04x02 - Episode 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Catastrophe". Aired: January 2015 to February 2019.*
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"Catastrophe" begins with a one-week stand between a Boston ad exec and a London schoolteacher that leads to an accidental pregnancy. When Rob moves to the UK to help figure things out, cultures clash and hormones flare as these two realize they don't know the first thing about each other.
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04x02 - Episode 2

Post by bunniefuu »

Not here. We can do that in the car.

I took the bus.
We can do it on the bus.

Slut!
SHE LAUGHS

What time's your sister getting in?
Not until eight.

Oh, can't wait to see her.

She's bringing me over
some Diazepam.

Happy pills.
Yeah, I know what it is.

Why do you take that sh*t?Dunno.

Just sometimes like to feel a bit
better than my factory settings.

THEY LAUGH
What's the new foster kid like?

I dunno. I know he's a teen.Really?

Bloody hell! Good for her.

When Frankie and Muireann are older,

we should think about
fostering some kids.

Are you mental?
Why would we wanna do that?

Cos it's a good thing to do.
We don't have time to do good stuff!

Or space.Well, just say
you don't wanna do it.

Don't say we don't have enough space.

Those kids come from clusters,
hives of kids.

They don't give a sh*t about space.
Give 'em an apple and a blanket

and they think they're
at Disney World.

Oh, did I tell you
she's a Quaker now?Huh?

Yeah. She started checking it out
after Colton left her.

Now she's full-bore.Really?

God, that worries me. Your sister's
ripe for being taken advantage of

by a cult.It's not a cult.
Plus, they're hypocrites.

You know, "I won't use a BlackBerry,
but I will use a wheel."

A wheel's technology.
They use wheels like crazy.

They're f*cking nuts about wheels.
And barns.

Barn technology. Also, that's Amish.

Hang on. How did she even get
over here, if she's a Quaker?

I mean, how is she allowed
to use a plane?

She should come in a covered wagon.
That's Amish.

It's a different thing.
It's the same thing.

You're a bigot.
So what? What are you gonna do -

text an Amish person?
It's not the same thing,

so your joke doesn't work.Who cares?

My assh*le ex drew a swastika
on my passport

so I wouldn't be able to leave
the country.Oh, my God!

The TSA guy said, "That's fine,
so long as they can read the chip."

And then on this side,
the guy just smiled at me

and invited me
to something called a...a ooh-kip.

Colton thinks that
if he makes my life miserable,

he's gonna feel better.
He's so unhappy.

I'm just praying for him. Did I tell
you that he took all my money

from the company we started
together? I had to sell the house.

You did, but... Oh, no.

So Mom showed me how to eBay
some of his Bruins jerseys,

and that's how I paid
for the plane tickets.

Oh!What's the bandwidth here?

Huh?How long would it take
to download 75 gigs?

Oh, I don't know.
But we have a full-colour TV.

You can watch a whole show,
right now, as it's happening.

Well, we're gonna get out
from under your feet very soon.

Oh, don't worry about that.
No, I wanna dive right in.

Do you guys wanna go to
Buckingham Palace with us?

Oh, no, thank you.
I don't like the monarchy.

Oh, that's funny, cos I've seen you
looking at pictures

of Princess Beatrice on your phone.
That's not because she's a royal.

She has giant beautiful eyes,

and even if she worked
at Pizza Express,

I'd still look at pictures of her
on my phone.That's not creepy.

And also, do you know how much
the Crown Jewels are worth?

If they sold
just one of those jewels,

it'd fund the NHS for 200 years,

so for that reason,
I hope they all get rickets.

Other than that, they are quite fun.
THEY LAUGH

Morning.Mm. I hope you don't mind
that I helped myself to breakfast.

Oh, God, no. Knock yourself out.
These Weetabix things are hilarious.

They start out as this wheaty brick,
then you pour some milk on them

and they turn into
this sort of tasty slime.

Yeah! They're fun, all right.

Where's Rob?He's, er, doing
his morning meditation.

Really?No. He's having a sh*t.Oh.

Between you and me, I came over here
to check how he's doing.

Mom didn't paint a great picture.
How is he?

How is he? Er...
I don't know, really.

I mean, he's not drinking,
but he's not really happy.

He's sort of ashamed, I guess,
so he's working on himself,

which is great, but also selfish.
Mm-hm.

It's like he's on a crusade,
but to somewhere boring,

and we all have to come.
Doesn't sound very fun for you.

Yeah. I don't need fun ALL the time.

It's just that, up until recently,
his alcoholism was just folklore,

you know?
And now it's kinda in my face.

But, er... Oh! There he is.
Morning!Morning.

Oh, hey, Syd - assuming you get
your fill of touristy stuff today,

do you think you could possibly watch
the kids for us tonight?

Why? What we doing?
You taking me somewhere nice?

There's an open AA meeting
at St Andrew's tonight

that you can bring family to,
so I thought we might hit that.

They usually have
a pretty good biscuit spread

if you get there early enough.
They go pretty fast.

Hey!Morning!Morning.

Would you like to come and see
the opening night of Jeffrey's play?

Late notice because, I'll be honest,
you weren't my first choice.

Oh, wow! Yeah, I'd love to.
Well, great!

You have to be there at 6:30.
Why? How long's the play?

Three and a half hours.
SHE MOUTHS

I don't think I can make that.

Chris is bringing
his new girlfriend

and I could really do with
the moral support. Please!

Will anyone famous be there?
Benedict Cumberbatch's brother,

Rollo, is playing Sebastian.
Oh, Christ.

Mom said you were a real mess
last time she was over.

How you doing now?I mean, my head's
still a bit of a clown graveyard,

if I'm being honest.
Yeah?But, you know,

don't tell her that.I didn't even
tell her about the accident.

Thank you.
How's she doing, by the way?

Oh, she is just...rough work!

Her hearing's going,
so she shouts at me a lot,

and then I shout at her
just to be heard.

Everybody's just screaming.Ugh!

Is there anything I can do to help?
Well...not from here.

Do you ever think about moving back?

Yeah. I think about it all the time,

but that idea doesn't gain
a lot of purchase with Sharon.

Maybe when she dies.

Why would Sharon die? Is she sick?
Not that I know of.

OK!Oh, hey, Dave called,

and he wants to see you,
so I invited him over for dinner.

I hope that's OK.Dave Norton?Yeah.

Oh, my God. He's still alive?
Shockingly.

Whoa! All right.
We'll see you home for dinner.

We're just gonna pop in here.
Oh, you're quakin' already?

Yeah! Quake on vacation.

OK.

Can I come in?Totally!

Yeah, come on. Let's go.

OK! So, for your homework tonight,

I would like you to use
your spelling words from today

to make a picture, OK?
I want you to all use colours -

that's crayons, colouring pencils,

or just borrow your dad's
bettin' Biro,

and, er...
BELL RINGS

All right, everyone.
Leave your papers on your desk.

Sam? Sam, I want you to stay behind.

OK. Right, no talking! Out!

Thank you. James, Sonny,
stop flossing.

CHILDREN LAUGH

Hey.

Did you have a little accident?
Yeah?

Do you still need to go
to the toilet,

or did you do it all here?

OK. Um, I tell you what -
I will go to lost property,

and see if they've got any spare
trousers, like last time. Yeah?

And don't worry about it. This
kind of thing used to happen to me

all the time. You should hear what
my husband did

at his sister's wedding.

I'll tell you when I get back.
OK. Good man.

What's happening now?
Oh, you just listen.

To what?Whatever's on your mind.

Or God... if you believe
in that crap.

Which I do.

So, Syd,

whatever happened to
that f*ckin' assh*le... Oh.

I'm sorry, Jamie.Er, Jimmy.

Oh! Sorry about that, too.
HE LAUGHS

Syd, whatever happened
to that f*ckin'... sh*t!

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Er... What
do I do, give them money, or...?

No. Just next time you think
you're gonna swear, don't.

OK. Sure. Syd...Yes?

..whatever happened
to that...person...

you used to be in
an adult relationship with?

You know, that angry guy
with the greasy face?

Mm-hm. Colton?Yeah.I married him.

Stayed with him
for a little over a decade,

and still detangling myself
from that wreckage.

HE LAUGHS

I just never thought I would see
Dave Norton strapped to a baby!

HE LAUGHS
I know, right?

Yeah!

Oh, I am so blessed.

I'm sorry her mom couldn't be here.

She's got a little dose
of the baby blues,

so I don't really like
being around her right now.

Oh, love this little chicken
so much!

Mwah, mwah!
HE LAUGHS

I didn't even know what'd come out
at first, you know,

if it'd have cloven feet.

I thought I could've been
siring the Antichrist.

Because, you know, I sold dr*gs
to Slobodan Milosevic.

Dave!Oh! Sorry. Sorry.

g*ns.

IN A WHISPER:dr*gs and g*ns.

How was your day? How was school?
Yeah! Grand.

OK, one of my kids
has started wetting himself,

so the parents are coming in
to see me tomorrow.

It's happened a few times now,
God love him,

and I don't know whether something's
going on at home.Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. It's difficult
to know what to do,

but sometimes I think
this is what I'm good at.

I hate that he's wetting himself,
but at the same time,

this is where I can really...
I dunno. Shine.

You know what I mean.
You know what we do.

Oh.

Oh, there's salad in
the bowl there, if you...

Oh, thank you, honey.
We're all good.

Did Rob tell you how much he enjoyed
his first meeting today?

Looks like we might have two Quakers
in the family!

I don't understand why the idea
of me becoming a better person,

or at least trying to, puts
such a cockroach up your assh*le.

Number one, you're too busy.

You'd have to go to bloody weekly
harvest feasts and what have you.

You've already got AA,
therapy, work...

And, you know, what about me?
Will I have to wear a bonnet?

Don't think this doesn't affect us.

I don't think
you're gonna have to wear a bonnet.

You don't think? You don't know.
Why don't I ask 'em?

What was all that about at dinner?
All what?

The...Tupperware. What's up with
the briefcase of vegetables?

Maybe Jimmy has scurvy. I mean,
in America they ship vegetables

past poor neighbourhoods
under armed guard.

Yeah, but I serve vegetables.
Maybe he needs pure, uncut veg,

you know, and not spinach dissolved
in butter and tinned tomatoes...

which I like, but let's not pretend
Jamie Oliver's

gonna be poking his head
out of the cupboard

asking for the recipe any time soon.

Get your feet off me.

So I just wondered if there were
any difficulties at home.

I mean, it's happened a few times
now, and I wanna help,

but I guess I need the whole picture
to be able to do that.

He's scared of you.Right.

What?He's scared to put his hand up
to go to the loo

when he's in your class.

SHE CHUCKLES
OK.

Well, I'm surprised to hear that.

Um... I'm not gonna reject it
out of hand.

If that's how he feels...
you know, says he feels...

if that's what you're saying
he says he feels,

but, um, I guess I've just never
made anyone pee themselves before,

er, that I'm aware of,
to my knowledge.

OK. Let me just, um...

Let me digest that.
Er, and while I have you,

I notice you haven't been filling in
the parent section

of his reading log.
If you could get back on that...

I don't hand them out for fun.

Of course.

Bye.Bye. Bye-bye.

Oh, look! There he is!

There's another one.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And again.
Yeah. Do you want a drink?

Yeah.
White wine?Yeah.

MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS
BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

Hey.
Hey.

Fran, this is Tanya.

Tanya, Fran.
Pleased to meet you.

And you. Heard a lot about you.
Oh! All good, I doubt.

Yes. I mean...no.
Not doubt. All...good.

Did you see Jeffrey?
Yes. I popped backstage.

Went through his vocal warm-up
with him. "The tip of the tongue,
the teeth and the lips."

"Give me the gift
of a grip-top sock."

"Red leather, yellow leather."
I'm just gonna pop to the loo.

Won't make it to the interval
with my tiny bladder.

"Tiny bladder"?
That code for tight p*ssy?

Not really.

She's very pretty.
Oh, thank you.

But a lot of people are pretty when
they're younger. Enjoy the play.

Hi.

SUBDUED MURMUR OF CONVERSATION

Did you see the way
she looked at him?Who?

Chris's new girlfriend.

BOTH LAUGH

He's obviously very fond of her.
Is that bad?

No.

It's just...

..I'm not sure we ever looked at
each other like that.

FRAN SIGHS HEAVILY

Ssh!
CONVERSATION DIES AWAY

FRAN GASPS

If music be the food of love...

..play on. Give me excess of it

that, surfeiting,
the appetite may sicken...

FRAN SOBS
..and so die.

FRAN SOBS


Hey, you're home early.
Yeah. The play finished early

because, er... I left early.

Do you wanna eat?
Yeah, OK.

Also, Jeffrey's penis is huge.

I mean, it just felt wrong
looking at it.

Does Chris have a big cock?
It feels big,

but I've only felt it in the dark.
I mean, it was...

They were all naked, you know?

I mean,
I like looking at naked people.

I sometimes like seeing plays.
But TOGETHER...

And it was a small theatre,
you know?

I could definitely smell
their actory arseholes.Yum!

Couldn't concentrate anyway.

Kept thinking about the pee kid
and his parents, you know?

Saying I scare him.
Now Hammond's getting involved.

Just seems so insane to me!
It's not THAT insane.

I'm not afraid of you, but it's not
impossible that a kid might be.

If I were three feet shorter,
and you made it clear

that I'd disappointed you,
it's possible I might piss myself.

Yeah, but I don't act at school
the way I act with you guys.

I would never behave out
in the world the way I do at home.

DOOR BANGS
Oh, hey!Hey!

How was the play?You know what?
I'm not a big theatre-goer,

so I'm probably not the best judge,
but I'd say really terrible.

Oh. Well, this looks delicious.

Oh, hang on.
I've got a little, er...

There you go. That OK?

Jimmy?

Can I get you anything else?

No, thanks. This is so, so good!

Whoo!

I find it funny
that you think I'm scary.

I'm not even cross. I was actually
laughing on my way over here.

SHE LAUGHS

So, tell me what it is
that you find scary about me, Sam.

HE WHISPERS

Everything.
SHE MOUTHS

OK. Well, um...

I'm not scary.
I'm just a woman with opinions,

and, um, for some people
that IS scary,

but...

Um, what...
Do you know what I think?

I think we're all scared
of something, right?

You know what I'm scared of?
Climate change.

What are YOU scared of?

You.

OK. Um, well, do you know what else
I'm scared of?

Britain First.

White nationalists, you know?
I mean, where do they get off?

Why are they so...
What else are you scared of?

Nothing.

You're only scared of me?

Well, that's...
I'm sorry. I can't work with that.

I mean, obviously I don't want
my wife to have a drunk husband,

cos I like her. She's a nice person.
I mean, not lately, but...

I mean, I'm going to AA and therapy.
I got kettlebells.

But, you know, I look in the mirror,
and I'm, like, "Meh."

Can you fix that here?

YOU could fix that here.
Well, great!

You know, because I really enjoyed
the meeting the other day.

I mean, the quiet...
In my home, we don't have that.

My wife is not a quiet person.
She's Irish, so...

I mean, at first that's charming,
but after a while...

Of course.
Oh, one other question,

er, that I already know
the answer to,

but I promised my wife I'd ask.
Will she have to wear a bonnet?

Well, normally we don't bring
bonnets up until later.

Are you serious?
I am not.

And the quiet there! I mean...

you can be quiet. You can be gay.

You don't even have to believe
in God.

Mm-hm.It's just good people
doing good things.

You should come along.
You know I can't.

Why not?
Because of my condition.

What condition?
I don't want to.

HE CHUCKLES
Look, it's different for you.

You're American. You can go on
journeys or whatever.

I can't change. I'm a teacher.
I frighten the kids I teach.

I don't even know what to do about
that.You'll deal with it your way.

You're a good teacher.
f*ck the piss kid!

Yeah, but what if I'm like the nuns
who used to terrify me?

You think I'm angry.
Anger is OK.

It's not OK to punch your daughter
in the head,

but it's OK to feel anger.
Why wouldn't you be angry?

Life is shitty.
Sydney's not angry.

Your Quakers aren't angry.
Well, maybe they should be.

I'm gonna talk to Brother Lucien
about this.

OK. Just...
Just don't leave me behind,

all right?
Don't become a better person,

and then look at me,
and think you don't need me.

I'm not gonna leave you behind.

What are you doing here, Sam?

Are you in trouble?

What's that?
Something bad you wrote?

Can I see it? Sam?

Can I see it? Can you show it to me?

Can you...

Sam, can you just... Thank you!

Is that about Sonny Batali's mum?

OK.

I know some people.
I can make it go away.

Are you still scared of me?

No.
Good!

Back to class.

Hate is short. Love is very long.

Together,
let us weather the passing storms,

and in the long term,
love will somehow win over hatred.

Somehow.
Sorry?

No. It was just you said "somehow",
and you mentioned long-term.

I need more help faster.

I'm afraid patience and humility is
a big part of what we practise here.

We don't offer magical answers.

Did you know this?

May I ask you a question?Of course.
What are Quakers' thoughts

on all the chaos in the world?
How do you mean?

Well, Gaza, Syria. Florida, you know?
Are you angry about all that?

And what about all the butting heads
- Jews and Muslims?

Christians?
What do you think about them?

Well, we wish them ALL the best.

Oh, come on. You have an opinion!

If you bottle up all that anger,
you're gonna have an embolism.

Maybe you SHOULD be angry.
Why are you so laid-back?

Is this a pot thing?

You know, I feel like
you're trying to sell me a condo

that on the outside looks nice,
but on the inside,

there's no floors,
and just some rat riding around

on an electric wheelchair.
Pardon?

You know, I don't think this
is gonna work out. I'm quitting.

And, er, I'm not saying
that you guys should quit,

but you should have a plan
in case you get into power.

Come here.
Oh, I loved having you here so much!

You're the best.
And getting to know Jimmy.

Ah, it's a wonderful thing.

Well, what?
Um...

Can I just ask about the vegetables?
About the Tupperware?

Oh, sure. Go say goodbye to Frankie.
Sure.

Oh, no, it's not a big... It's just,
I would always serve vegetables,

but you'd still... You'd always...
I should've explained.

Jimmy's dad was the cook
in their family,

and when he went to prison,
his mom would do him

the same red-and-yellow vegetables
his dad used to,

which was sort of
their little thing.

And then, when his mom d*ed,

he got pretty obsessed with having
the same shape and colour vegetables

she used to make for him. I just
didn't want you guys to have to...

I dunno, bother with all that.
So I just did it.

SHE SIGHS
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

We're such arseholes!

Because we were just, "What's up
with the vegetable briefcase?"

It's not a briefcase.I'm sorry.
It was just our little joke.

You guys had a joke about it?No.
MOBILE RINGS

Ugh, it's Colton. Ugh!

I should probably take it.
He's missed five calls this trip.

Hello.

Yes, I'm having a great trip.
Thank you for asking.

The more time zones
that separate us, the happier I am.

Because you're a brown stripe
on my f*cking panties, that's why.

Well, unless you're calling to tell
me that you're wiring the money

that you stole from me, or figured
out a way to fix my broken heart

that doesn't involve
ever seeing you again,

you can f*ck the f*ck off.

OK! Yeah.

Oh, you...
SHE GROWLS / SHOUTS

Argh! Well, up yours! Up yours too,
you deadbeat f*ck-maggot!

Argh!
BABY GURGLES IN BACKGROUND

Oh!

I think I'm going to be sick.

No, no. I'm fine.

Fine.

OK, no. I am gonna be sick.

SHE RETCHES

SHE GROANS / RETCHES
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