04x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

- Ohh!
- What

Sort of miss the neck brace.

It was like a powerful turtleneck.

You looked like Robert
Redford in 'The Way We Were'.

- Well, should I... get a cravat?
- (SHE LAUGHS)

Well, you can't just go
from brace to nothing!

(THEY LAUGH)

So, all good?

Yeah. I got the
all-clear. Got the clean...

- full bill of health.
- (SHE LAUGHS)

You know, she even
said that my weight loss

has made my penis look bigger.

- (SHE SCOFFS)
- (HE CHUCKLES)

Did you tell her about the bed sweats?

- Yeah. She wasn't worried about that.
- Really?!

Did you tell her how it
soaks the whole bed now?

Did she not think
that's weird and gross?

She didn't use those words.

Did you show her the brown
thing that just grew on your leg?

Ah, first of all, it's beige,

and, ah... Does it bother you
that I've been declared healthy?

No, it doesn't bother me that
you're healthy... It's great.

It's just interesting that
you could spend 40 years

inhaling sausage rolls and get
rewarded with a clean bill of health.

That's... you know,
whatever... good for you.

You should get a check-up.

I'm fine.

Oh, are you, now? I mean,
you look fine, but...

could be a mess in there.

(HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS)

- What are you laughing at?
- No, I'm just thinking,

you know, one day each of us is
gonna go to the doctor and be told,

"I have extremely bad news."

Jesus Christ!

You know, I think I'm
gonna train for a 10-K.

- Do you wanna join me?
- No.

- Why?
- Because you fart when you run.

Well, if you ran faster, you
wouldn't have to huff 'em, slowpoke.

"Slowpoke"? Oh, my God!

I totally run faster than you.

Mm, no, you don't.

This is ridiculous!

It's just silly. I'm wearing heels.

And carrying a bag. Wasn't even trying.

- Now I'm trying!
- ♪

I had no idea I was so healthy.

I'm thinking about competing in
a Masters Tournament or something.

I don't think you qualify for
Masters Tournaments just by being old.

I think you also have
to be good at a sport.

Well, their loss.

I had the full check-up
myself, few weeks back.

Tanya wants to start trying for a baby.

I figured if I do it right
now, immediately, then

there's probably just enough
time for me to watch it grow up

before I run out of steam.

If someone hiccups, I'm f*cked.

- Wow! Now, why would you do that?
- 'Cause she wants a baby.

I already tried to tell her,
"do it with somebody younger",

but she likes me. And, you
know, she's got a good career,

and her folks have money, so...

you know, if I get
Alzheimer's or assassinated,

- then having the wee one she'd be all set.
- Mm.

- You've really thought this through.
- Plus, Tanya's on board

for all my sexual proclivities,
and that is not a given

- for every woman I meet.
- Huh! Tell me about it!

Dave and I'll start a
prayer circle for you.

No, no. I support older dads.

I mean, I'm in my late
40s. I've just had a baby.

Um, know I'm not as old as you, but...

I'm the same age as you, arsehole.

Really?!

Oh! Hey, that reminds me.

Got something to show you. (HE SIGHS)

Oh, is that what we're eating right now?

(BOTH LAUGH)

No! That is Mr Barnaby Honeypot...

Daphne's new pony.

Did you ride it here? Is
it tied to a post out front?

No! It's on our farm!

Oh! We bought a farm... in Kent. Yeah.

I bought it because I don't want Daphne

getting stabbed to death in London.

Huh! I'm such a dad now! (HE LAUGHS)

Actually, we're going down this weekend.

Do you guys wanna come?
You can bring the kids.

- f*ck, yeah.
- I can't this weekend.

Tanya and I are taking some mushrooms

and going to a Renaissance
fair in Norfolk.

What?

I mean, I feel pretty
healthy. I feel good,

except for the peeing myself thing.

I mean, it used to just
happen when I was trampolining,

and now it's just...
whenever. As needed.

- Is there anything we could do about that?
- God, no.

We're probably closer to curing cancer

than figuring out how
the hell mothers not

- pee when they don't want to. (INHALES DEEPLY)
- Oh.

So, we've got your tests back.

Er, I'm afraid your
cholesterol level is quite high

- for a woman your age.
- Are you sure?

- My cholesterol feels fine.
- Also, your bloods are indicating a high level of

fat around your organs,
uh, and, I have to say,

- your mobility isn't great.
- What? What does that mean?

Er, you couldn't touch
your toes earlier.

Some people just can't do that. I
mean, it's like wiggling your ears

- or moon-walking.
- But the good news is,

your weight is within the healthy
limit for your age and height.

So you're saying the
package is the right size,

- but what's inside is just sh*t?
- No.

You're saying if you took
a normal-size mannequin

and filled it with meatballs
and margarine, that'd be me?

- That's not what I'm saying.
- Well, medically that is exactly what you're saying.

Fine.

♪

Just never thought of
myself as unhealthy before,

'cause I'm, you know, a runner.

- How are you a runner?
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Used to run cross-country at uni.

Yeah. I mean, I used
to build pillow forts,

it doesn't mean I'm
currently an architect.

Yeah, but... muscle memory!

Hey!

- We goin' ravin'?
- No, running.

Oh right, so I'm baby-sittin'
so you can go runnin'?

- Yeah.
- Fair enough.

You know, you should be careful.

My uncle Kevin, right, he started
runnin' when he was your age,

like, 60 or whatever. He did
one run and collapsed and d*ed.

Well, that's unlikely to happen.

Older people are better
off standin' still, I think.

Like, you get to a certain
age and you start exercisin',

you shake bad stuff loose and it
gets in your bloodstream and it

poisons ya, and you just
drop dead straight away.

- Okay. See you about half seven, Anna.
- Thank you.

♪

How far was that?

Uh, 2.3 miles!

- What? Miles? Well, bloody hell!
- Yeah!

- Yeah.
- That's good.

- Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- We'll get a Tube back, though, right?

(MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVVING)

So f*ckin' dangerous.

What if a kid ran out?
Tell him to slow down.

(QUIETLY) Slow down.

Argh! Oh!

- Agh! Oh, God, my eyes
- What just happened?!

- Agh! Oh, my God, it's acid!
- What?!

- Argh! Oh, argh!, Argh!
- Rob! Rob!

Oh, wait...

It tastes like juice.

It... No, it's ju... it's just juice.

Argh!

- Oh! Oh.
- Bloody hell!

- That was a bit dramatic!
- Oh, really?!

Well, you didn't just have
acidic juice sh*t in your face.

♪

f*ckin' hell!

♪

- Do you wanna start running with me?
- Not really. Why?

Because I've got fatty organs,

and Rob won't run with me anymore
'cause he's scared of London.

I don't wanna join a
gym 'cause the mirrors.

- And the people.
- Oh, and the smell.

It's like every breath you
take has wiggled its way

through 20 pairs of sweaty buttocks.

Do you want to come to m*llitary fitness

- in the park with me?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.

- Uh, how-how do I do that? Do I...
- (PHONE BEEPS)

(PHONE CONTINUES TO BEEP)

Fran, I'll call you back, okay?

What's up? Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm just calling
to check that you're okay.

- Have you seen the news?
- No. Why?

There was an incident in town.

A guy drove a car into a crowd of
people in front of the M&M store.

No, that was me. I wanted some
M&Ms and I forgot my purse.

Honey, a guy d*ed, okay? There was
a stampede. It's very upsetting!

Yeah, I tell you what's upsetting,

is you thought I was at the M&M store.

All right. Well, just stay
away from that whole area.

What about Kinder Egg
Village? Can I go there?

♪

♪

♪

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

- (SHE GASPS)
- (HE STRAINS)

- (RIPPING AND UNZIPPING)
- (SHE GASPS AND SIGHS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(SHE GASPS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

- f*ck! No!
- (HE PANTS)

(BOTH PANTING AND GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNT AND MOAN)

Aah!

(SHE GASPS)

(BOTH EXHALE DEEPLY)

(BOTH PANT)

(HE GRUNTS)

(HE BREATHES HEAVILY)

- Same time next week.
- See you then.

Goodbye, Douglas.

Don't say my name.

♪

♪

♪

Welcome to paradise!

(HE LAUGHS)

Wow!

(HE LAUGHS) Mwah!

Through here we have
the, uh, kitchen garden.

Every vegetable you could ever
need... er, carrots, baby carrots,

- purple carrots...
- Cool!

And this is what sealed the deal
when we were viewing the place. Ha!

- A sewer.
- No, man!

It's a bunker! Ah!

(HE SIGHS)

- You wanna get in?
- Oh, no. I try never to go in holes.

Caves, holes, tubes...

- Not really my scene.
- Well, you might wanna think about it,

with the state of the world these days.

I mean, if you have a family,
you really should have a bunker.

It's something to consider.

(SHE LAUGHS)

We're not getting a bunker!

(BABY GURGLES)

So, do you have Daphne
strapped to you all the time?

- Sure.
- How do you shower?

Oh, I have a waterproof one.

- (SHE LAUGHS)
- Huh?

Dave's a very involved parent.
There's really not much for me to do,

outside of flopping out the odd tit.

(CHUCKLING) Hey, it is a
pleasure and a privilege.

Oh, I love being a dad! It is the
highest high of all. Am I right?

I dunno. I mean, I feel
like having kids is like

strapping yourself to
a Formula 1 race car.

You know, boom!

Your life is over. But not in a bad way.

Yeah. You just have to take
everything you ever wanted

and put it in a box,
because you never...

But, yeah. It's great, you know?

So, you think this could
become like a permanent move?

- Oh, yeah.
- No. Nn-nn.

Well, I-I-I dunno. I-I-I dunno if
I want Daphne growing up in London.

I mean, you slip on a banana peel
there, go to the emergency room,

takes you six hours to get seen

because of all the Kn*fe
victims lying around

bleeding out all over the floors.

Everyone at this table, including
you, knows that's not true.

I dunno. I mean, when I was att*cked...

- With juice.
- I...

- with what we now know was juice...
- Well, we figured it out pretty fast.

All right. Well,
outside I was screaming,

but inside, I was just, like,
"Oh, right. Now this." You know?

It's like there's this low-level
feeling of menace there that,

you know, we've all gotten used
to, but that I never really noticed

- before the att*ck.
- It was juice!

Look, I don't care if
my face gets melted,

- you know? I'm married.
- Hang on. I... I care if your face gets melted.

- I have to look at you.
- Well, no. All I'm saying is,

I care more if our kids'
faces get melted, you know?

I don't want my kids' faces to
get melted. That's all I'm saying.

Why'd you buy your baby a pony?

♪

What...?

So, Chris and the buxom ingénue
went away for the weekend.

Jeffrey chose to stay with
his friend Toby instead of me,

- which I found devastating.
- Hm.

So, that's something you've
got to look forward to

when your kids get older, and
they throw you out in the rubbish,

with the coffee grounds
and the fish heads.

He'll come back to you.

- It's probably just a phase, right?
- Yeah.

Anyway, got my volunteer work.

Got my loom.

Douglas is keeping me occupied...

texting me.

Like an eager puppy since
we started our little game.

- A puppy with a throbbing human penis.
- Ah, Jesus, Fran!

It's all a bit Apple
Tree Yard, isn't it?

So?

(EXHALES) The sex is, like... (GRUNTS)

Everything about him, I
mean physically, is just...

Even his scrotum's attractive.

How can you say that? The
scrotum's a design flaw.

You ask ten women what the worst
thing they saw in their life was,

for eight of them it'll
be scrotum-related.

Well, I like what I like.

- I don't follow the herd.
- Right, girls, we like to talk!

Green 12, squat jumps
the length of the cones.

Green 7, you can skip.

All right?

- Engage your core while you skip.
- What?

Engage your core!

- Yeah.
- Yeah? Flex it!

- Tighten it!
- I am!

- f*cking hell!
- Can you make it harder than that?

- No!
- Okay. Green 12...

you can start skipping.
Green 7, burpees.

(SHE GRUNTS)

(SHE GRUNTS AND BREATHES HEAVILY)

What are you doing? Why
are you taking photos?

- For my Facebook page.
- Well, hang on. Just let me...

(BREATHLESSLY) Okay.

♪

Uh, his face was blurry
'cause he was on a moped,

- and, you know, I had juice in my eyes.
- Right.

And... and I don't wanna sound
bigoted, but he was brown.

Um, Mediterranean brown,
not, like, Muslim brown.

Um, I mean, I can't say
that he wasn't Muslim, but...

I don't care. You know,
that's not my angle.

Um, is there a statute of
limitations for a crime like this?

Well, I'm more comfortable
calling it a prank.

All right. Well, whatever
you wanna file it under.

Uh, I think I'm gonna
file it under juice.

It was juice this time. I mean, I
think it could've been a rehearsal,

uh, you know, pre-calculated.

I think it might've been a
rehearsal for a bigger plan.

You know, they did that for 9/11.

- Do you work in security?
- No. Pharmaceuticals.

- (HE SLURPS)
- ♪

Hey!

What are you doing?

I just saw one of those
guys from the house next door

- that you were worried about.
- What guys?

When was I worried about them?

Don't you think there's something
up with them? I mean, who are they?

It's a g*ng of guys living
together. They're not gay.

- How do you know they're not gay?
- I've never seen 'em do one gay thing!

- Have you ever seen 'em kiss?
- Have they ever seen us kiss?

Okay. Here's the thing.
They come and they go.

They have that bright
fluorescent light on all the time.

Okay. Tell me what do you
think they're doing in there?

I've narrowed it down to
two possibilities, okay?

It's either a weed farm... house,

or they're making weapons.

Oh, my God! You need to stop this.

We have to be vigilant.
I reported my att*ck today

to the police, and they didn't
seem to take it seriously at all.

- No sh*t.
- Yeah.

You know, we should think about
something like Dave's setup.

I mean, obviously a bunker's
insane, but maybe a panic room.

And, you know, n-not...
not a full panic room, but

maybe some Kevlar curtains,

- and a, you know, soundproofing.
- Oh, my God!

- What?
- Jesus, that pisses me off!

Look at the state of me!

- You look fine!
- Oh, great.

Great. Now I can never trust
anything you say ever again.

What the f...!

What's a Baba Yaga?

It's like a Russian folklore monster.

It's a thing that lives
in the woods and eats kids.

Why are you reading about Baba Yaga?

I'm not. I'm reading a
comment under a picture of me.

- Why am I purple?
- ♪

Someone put a purple filter on me.

Ah, come on!

♪

(THEY LAUGH)

Hey, buddy, you're back!

- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Jeffrey.

Yo.

If you're hungry, there's
halloumi burgers here.

No, thanks. I've eaten
my halloumi for the year.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT) How was the show?

My friend LaVar saw it tonight.
He said it was terrific.

Really?

Well, we had to use two understudies,

and one of them improvised
the entire second act,

and it tanked. So, who's
full of sh*t, you or LaVar?

Jeffrey!

(HE SCOFFS)

I'm going to bed.

(MELLOW BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS)

That was rude!

Look, I'm sorry things are... different.

I'm sorry your mum and I
split up, but we were unhappy,

and we didn't want
you to be around that.

I was fine. And you guys
might have been miserable,

but at least you were miserable
in one place, our home.

Now you're just miserable in two places.

I'm not miserable.

Well, you will be, because there's
no way that that is gonna last.

She'll get bored of having an
old-man boyfriend and leave you,

and then you go running back to
Mum and she won't take you back,

then the next thing you'll know,
you'll be 50, bald, and alone.

I'm gonna be 50 in November.
How am I gonna go bald that fast?

Are you gonna hold me
down to shave my head?

I mean, I know you're angry,
but I will press charges.

Don't you f*cking think that I won't.

(THEY LAUGH)

Come here.

♪

I think, Green 10, if
for the rest of the day

you wanna join beginners,
all right? Got a blue bib.

I'm not a beginner at working out.

I'm gonna stay with my friend.

Okay, but it's not about
k*lling yourself though.

Yeah, it's about doing your best,
working up a sweat, having fun.

I'm not here to have fun.
I'm here to get rid of the fat

around my organs, and I'm
not joining beginners, okay?

- That's humiliating.
- You puked behind the tree earlier.

Let's just see how you
get on at a lighter pace.

All right, we don't want
you having a heart att*ck.

f*ck this.

Seriously...

f*ck... this pretend-army
bullshit. Let's go, Fran.

I've paid for a block of
classes, so I'll be staying.

And you know what? You
can take down those photos

that you put up of me on your website,

- because I did not agree to those.
- You posed for 'em.

Yeah, because I didn't know you'd
be using them to humiliate me, did I?

Manipulating them, putting

- joke filters on there!
- I didn't put filter on them.

Well, somebody put some sort
of purple filter on there, okay?

Like, "Ha, ha, ha. Look at this idiot,

gettin' ready to have a heart att*ck!"

Look, I know this is tough, okay?
But that's what we're here for.

You can do this.

Six weeks ago, Suzy was
in the same shape as you.

Look at her now.

Will you take the photos down?

Will you at least disable comments?

- ♪
- (SHE SIGHS)

♪

♪

(BREATHES EMOTIONALLY)

♪

Called my mum yesterday.

She told me two of my
aunties d*ed of heart disease.

Well, you're Irish, so, what
have you, like, 85 aunts?

If only two of 'em d*ed of
heart disease, it's pretty good.

Yeah, but what about
my dad? He d*ed young.

Well, honey, he... he was 70.

That is... 70?! That's
nothing these days.

It's like dying in your 40s.

My parents had me in their 30s.
I had my dad all my adult life.

He knew his grand-kids, sort of.

If I die in my 70s, my
kids will barely be 30.

They won't have had kids.
No way, not millennials.

They don't give a sh*t about anyone.

(SCOFFS) Well, you
can't think like that.

I mean, maybe Frankie'll get
a girl pregnant when he's 17.

Well, that would be terrible.

Would it? I mean, you'd get to
know your grand-kids longer, so...

I'm just sayin', nobody
knows what's gonna happen.

I just wanna live a
decent while. That's all.

I don't want my heart to pack in.

Your heart's not gonna pack in.

And, if it does, I'll defibrillate you.

It's not even a big deal these days.

Promise?

(SHE CHUCKLES)

- Okay. (SHE CHUCKLES)
- (HE COOS)

Oh, sh*t! f*ck! I forgot!

Got you somethin'.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

- Aww!
- I miss the neck brace.

- Do you like it? Try it on!
- Yeah.

(SHE LAUGHS) Take it off.

(SHE CHUCKLES) Seriously, you
look like a fisherman simpleton.

Oh! Ohh! (HE LAUGHS)

I look like I'm gonna try and
sell you a home-made Mooncup

- out of the back of my Subaru.
- (SHE LAUGHS)

You look like a... you look
like a college poetry teacher

who tells girls he invented
the "Me Too" hashtag.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I look like, um, one of
those Dutch guys, you know?

- Who? Who?
- Who ride the thing.

- No. Which... No.
- You know, they...

Well, I can't think of the,
um... Anyway, it doesn't matter.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

♪

(HE FARTS)

- That's the guy.
- What?

- That's the guy who att*cked me.
- What are you doin'?

Hey! Hey, assh*le

- who squirted juice in my face.
- Who you calling arsehole?

I'm calling an assh*le an assh*le.

- Whoa!
- You can't touch me. I'm 13.

What? Really? Well,
you're pretty tall for 13.

Maybe you should've thought of that

before you did your
acidic-juice att*ck.

What are you doing?
You're still on probation.

- Plus they're children.
- Well, I realise that now.

- Uh, just gonna scare 'em.
- Wait...

- (QUIETLY) Oh, f*ck!
- You know...

I dunno where the heck you get off...

Yer! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, good one!

All right, well, guess what?
I'm not scared this time,

because I know that it's...
What is that... pineapple juice?

(HE SCOFFS) What, are you a baby?

Why don't you drink an adult juice?

- (THEY LAUGH)
- Yeah, whatever, man.

♪

Let's go.

- Did you scare them?
- They'll remember me.