02x01 - The Atheist

[bunniefuu]

- Oh my God, Peter.
- Sweetest.

What? Who is this?

I'm sorry, I should've
grabbed a bigger towel.

My wife slept with somebody else today.

- Oh boy.
- Yeah, oh boy.

Go write some jokes.

I saw your set. I mean,
top five worst I've ever

seen. You heard what I said, right?

- Wait, that was real?
- Yes.

Oh, dude.

You're upset.

Yes, I'm upset. You stole my wife.

I'm setting you free.
I'm shaking your cage.

You don't belong here anymore.
You know what you're supposed to

- do, so do it.
- Free live comedy tonight.

Look at those. We were going to do is set

tonight. Following the dream.
We were grinding it out.

I'm happy to be with you guys.

What the f*ck's wrong with you?

I'm going through a divorce.

- I'm kind of floating around.
- Oh, you're homeless?

- No.
- Do you have a home?

- No.
- I can't. It's so sad.

Don't put your face in this pillow.
Bad sh*t it happens in this pillow.

This is why we sent you to

Christian camp so these
things wouldn't happen to you.

I did everything I was supposed to.

I didn't drink, I didn't
smoke, I didn't have sex.

- Okay, stop touching my balls.
- Okay.

I'm sorry. This is comedy.

- This is what I want to do.
- Honey, how will you survive?

I have no job. I have no money.

I have nowhere to stay.
I need to be with you.

- I love you so much, Jess.
- Shut up!

I trust Jesus!

Hallelujah!

I'm really excited about
our friendship, man.

We're not friends. We're broke... together.

That's how it starts.

Peter! You have risen.

God! Man, this is my area!

Y... Y... Y... You just
opened a wall of my bedroom.

Even when you're wearing
pants I can see your d*ck.

Huh.

What do you want?

It's not about what I want,

it's about what I need,

which is a conversation with you, man.

What is the point of us
having this communal existence

if I have no one to commune with, Pete?

Where are you all the time?
You're working or something,

out all night.

You're sleeping, resting,
or something all day.

I'm sorry, I work... I work, yes,
at night, and then I'm out late.

It's not like I'm partying. I'm
doing... I'm following my dream.

And then I don't have time to come home

and also be your best friend.

We can't have an old
couple's argument, man.

You have to pull your weight.

You f*cked my wife.

Yes, I f*cked your wife, but

that doesn't help pay the bills.

Believe me, I wish it
did, but we gotta work.

Uh, what do you wanna mix in?

Oh, uh, let's, uh... let's
put some gummy bears in there.

Chocolate and gummy bears, okay.

You're... You're really good at this.

- Thanks.
- Here you go.

Oh, please. No, thank you.

If you tip, it's a whole thing.
We have to do, like, a song...

Well, I'll... I'll leave it there.

Oh, guys, we got a tip!

- Ooh!
- Come on...

Two for one with a
flier, great live comedy.

Great live comedy tonight.
Two for one with a flier.

Got a great live comedy show.

Um, hey.

Uh, hi, are you the manager here?

No. Hi, great live
comedy, we got a great...

You're looking for Jason. He...

He won't be here, for, uh, a little bit.

Oh, okay, um...

Great live comedy?

Do you have a complaint or something?

No. I'm Ali. I'm a comedian,

and I was just gonna
see if there's a chance

I could do a short set? I'm
trying to make this tape.

My name is Pete, I'm...
I'm actually a comedian.

- Oh, hi. Oh, cool. Hi.
- I'm on the show, too.

I mean, not that you're on the show.

You wanna be on the show.

I would love to. That would be amazing.

I just work the door
when Jason's running late.

I... I don't really... run the
club, I just do it for stage time.

Cool. And you don't have
to, like, bark on a corner?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, this is...

Home base.

Great live comedy, guys, great live comedy.

Uh, well, you know, it's
kinda... slow, but...

Yeah, that's why... If
it's slow, you could just...

squeeze me in? That
would be so awesome, so...

Uhh... Let... Let's see, I...

- I'll see what I can do.
- Okay.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, bringing

up the, uh, next comic for you guys,

a very funny lady. I
hope you guys enjoy her.

Guys, put your hands together

for Ali Reissen, yeah!

Thank you so much.

Um, I have some really exciting news.

My boyfriend and I, we just took
our relationship to the next level.

We broke up. Yep.

Hey, what are you doing?

She's makin' a tape...

for TV, I think.

Man, we barked for five hours
and you just throw her onstage?

She's not even passed here.

This guy, he worked out so
much and he bulked up so much

to the point where he
just, like, lost his neck,

and he, like, grunted
to communicate with me?

Just be like, "Uhhh!" I had to deal with

him like I was dealing with Lassie,

I'd be like, "What is it, boy?"
You know, he'd be like, "Uhhhh!

Uhhhh!" I'm like, "Oh, no, it
was a hard leg day at the gym?"

I was actually writing a
very similar joke to that.

"Uhhh!" "Oh, no, your
trainer fell in a well."

Hey.

Hey!

That was great. Did you get your tape?

Uh, no. No, no, no. I hate this place.

Sorry. I just... ugh... It's
like a haunted ski lodge.

Yeah, there's a vibe.

I feel like, in that room,
it's like you're doing comedy

for the people you're making fun of.

Yes.

- Yeah.
- You're up there, I'm like,

"I'm talking about you!"

Yeah! Exactly!

"My examples are you!"

"Are you!"

- Yeah.
- Yes.

- "You don't see the irony..."
- Yeah.

"...of me performing for you?"

That makes me feel a lot less alone.

- Yes. Oh, I'm glad.
- You should come back.

- Uhhh...
- Any time you like.

I'm here every night of the week.

You ever see me out
front, we can throw you up.

I think they'd be lucky to have you.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Petey. How do we look, Pete?

Oh, what's up, man? Uh,
this... this is, uh, Ali.

- Ali just went up, she's...
- Hi, Ali, Pete. How do we look?

Uh, you know, it's like about half, maybe?

What did we talk about earlier?

Well, you said I could work the
door until you got here, so...

- Till I got here!
- Yeah. Till you... so...

What am I, a f*ckin' apparition?

Fliers, hand, corner.

MacDougal Street, West Third.

- It was nice...
- Come on! Sweet cheeks!

- Okay. All right.
- Nice meeting you!

- Hey.
- Uh, so nice to meet you.

Hey, wait a second. Hey, hey.

Yeah?

Where... You know... I mean...

I think women are... funny.

Okay. Uh... cool.

Just make sure to tell your
friends. Spread the word.

f*ckin'... I... I... I...

What am I doin' wrong?

People make fun of me 'cause I'm
gullible. Anybody here gullible?

Not a trap. Not a trap.

Yeah. Yeah. Good people.

Honest people. I don't understand
why we're the butt of the joke,

gullible people. People tease
me, "Oh, you're so gullible."

Pete's gullible."

Doesn't that just mean I'm
an open-hearted, kind person?

You lie to me, I believe you,

I'm the assh*le?

Thanks, guy, thanks very
much. Have a good night.

I'm Pete Holmes.

Saw a group of cops on horses.

How f*ckin' ridiculous.
Why do they have jobs?

Can they do real cop stuff?

'Cause every time I see 'em,
they're like...

Sure, I'll take a picture.

Can they foil crimes?

Like, if I stole your wallet
and ran, would they be like,

"Yah!"

Jumpin' over stuff.

And they can't arrest you
because there's no room.

Yeah, they're not gonna be like,
"You're under arrest. Uh, get on."

Hey, man.

You can't stand here.

Uh... Ahh... I'm... I'm
Pete. I'm a comedian.

Wait. You're Pete Holmes?

- Yeah.
- I've seen you before, man.

Really?

You did that set about your
wife f*ckin' another guy, right?

Yeah. Yeah, that... that was me.

I would keep that sh*t to myself, man.

Yeah, I know now...

I'm not proud of that
set, either. I regret it.

Sorry, man. We all have our problems.

I can't make my wife have a orgasm.

I h... I hope you figure that out.

Thanks, man. Appreciate that.

You still can't stand there.

Okay. Sorry.

New Yorkers'd be
like, "Yeah, he's from out of town."

And... And we're at the Friars, and

Jerry Lewis is sitting at a table there,

and I go to his manager,

and I take out my phone,

and I say, "Would he mind?"

And he goes, "Jerry hates those.

He hates... Don't try to do it."

And so I say hello to Lewis,

and I say, "I guess you wouldn't like me"

to take a picture of you," and he goes,

"I would punch you

in your f*cking face."

Maybe he thought you were
talking about a hand job?

I hate to say it, but
I've heard the same story,

but it was Shari Lewis.

And it wasn't at the Friars Club,

it was at a bus station
somewhere in Cleveland.

It was Daniel Day Lewis.

Oh, well, there you go.

Yeah!

Like Lewis and Clark, was like, um...

Ha...

Uh... Oh, excuse me, I
think they introduced me.

Lewis Carroll.

- See you later, Gilbert.
- See you, man.

You the man, Gil.

- Gilbert Gottfried?
- Yeah.

Is he goin' up? Why don't you tell him

your favorite movie is "Problem Child."

People say I look like John Ritter.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, if he had a daughter.

I guess.

Hey, are we goin' to the Hole
for your birthday or what, Dan?

Yeah, that's the plan.
Yeah, it's Dan's special day.

He woke up in a trunk

covered with stickers
from different cities.

You're tryin' to say I look
like a ventriloquist's dummy?

Yes, I am.

Well, keep with the insults,
and I'll never bang you.

What's the Hole?

Burlesque joint.

It's guys on stage, one
little guy with a big d*ck,

one giant guy with a really

small, Tic Tac d*ck, right?

Scary.

All you gotta bring is
an umbrella and a towel,

and you're good.

What do you mean bring an umbrella

and a... he ain't goin'.

- What?
- With my birthday, my rules.

All right, princess. I got nothin'

against him, but I don't know the guy,

I wanna be surrounded by
people I like and Dave.

Come on, Dan, let him
go and stop your yappin'.

I'm allowed to pick!

You know what? You're
not comin', it's settled.

Y... You're a man of God.
You cannot come to this.

I... First of all, I couldn't
get an erection next to this guy,

it'd be... it'd be too weird.

See? Me and Artie are on the same page.

People gotta put their foot down.

I... I'll stay here and pray for you.

Yeah, I was wondering
what you were doin'...

- Take care, bye.
- Okay, to the Hole!

Sorry.

Is this, uh, empty?

Yeah, no... please.

These people are done with these, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah... unless
you want some whiskey.

Oh, no, I don't drink. Never have.

- I... I'm not...
- You're not... You don't drink?

No, not really.

Teetotaler or just...
Not... don't drink often?

I... I... I was raised not
to really... partake too much.

Me too.

Really? My parents never did.

Protestant?

Yeah. I mean, when I was a child, yes.

M... My name is Penn. Penn Jillette.

I know you're... You're
a wonderful magician.

- Oh, thank you.
- I love magic.

- Oh, thanks.
- I really do.

W... And I was hoping you'd say your name.

Sorry, it's Pete.

- Pete, hello, Pete. Nice to meet you.
- Peter.

But you're a... you're a big
atheist now, right? I mean...

Yeah. I have been for a long time.

I... I guess my whole adult life.

I stuck with it, I guess.

Oh, did you?

Jesus is still my co-pilot.

He's great. He doesn't drink either.

Oh, really? Very... Very smooth flight.

I thought there was the wine
thing. Isn't there the wine?

Ahh... You know... It was one miracle...

The rest of the time he was pretty dry.

You really do believe?

- Yeah.
- Christian god?

Chris... Yeah. All three.

I mean, I don't wanna be dismissive,

but you actually believe
that there's a being

that cares about, forgive
me, but your masturbation?

Cares about everything you do?

Yeah, you... you know, we make...

And you don't have any
gnawing doubts about that?

You don't think that maybe you're...
you're letting things slide by you

- that could be more beautiful?
- Like what?

Like life?

So you don't... You
don't believe in something

watching us, something
keeping all of this going?

I'm not sure there's no
God, but I don't know.

The most important
revolution in human history,

more important than agriculture,

more important than writing,
is the scientific revolution.

Came down to three words:

I don't know.

And no institution, no church,

no king, no power structure

had ever said in history,

"I don't know."

I just... What if you're wrong?
I mean... I... I... could never...

What if you're wrong?

What if I'm wrong? I... I...
I mean, either way, I'm good.

- You're right...
- No, no, that's not true.

I mean, that's... that's the
problem with Pascal's Wager,

is there's more than one choice.

You could spend your whole life
prayin' your ass off to Jesus,

and then find out that it's actually Zeus,

and he doesn't like you praying to Jesus.

I... I... I... I'm enjoying the

certainty I get from my faith.

You don't have certainty.

- I do.
- No, you don't.

I do.

You can't get certainty just by willpower.

You can't force yourself to believe things

that you don't have evidence
for. You just can't do it.

You can't force certainty.

Yeah, but this... this is all
I have. I mean, I... I can't...

This is how I was raised, I can't just...

put it aside because you make some sense.

I mean, it's hard for me to admit
that you're making some sense.

Yeah, I... I... I dig that. It's
hard to change. It's really hard.

It's hard for someone my
age to admit that the...

the Beatles weren't that good.

- Doug Benson.
- Hey!

Do you know Penn Gillette?

Yeah, he's in there, right? The magician?

I once saw him make a whole
plate of nachos disappear.

I just thought everything was one thing,

but it turns out it might be nothing.

Everything is nothing?

- Yeah, everything...
- That's not cool.

How can everything be nothing?

Because we don't... ahh...

It's everything.

But do you know?

About everything?

What if it was Zeus? What if it
was this one and now he's mad,

and now you die, and chances are...

Who's Zeus?

That's my point. Who's God?

Who is god? Do you know?

Zeus?

What if you've been praying

to Jesus and it was Zeus?

Je-Zeus.

Mom, can we go inside? It's so cool!

Hi. Uh, I'm... I'm here for Dan's birthday?

The... Uh... The comedians?

Buncha guys, don't look
like they belong here?

Thank you. Thanks.

Yikes!

Hey!

Hey!

He found us, man!

This is crazy, this is
like the second "Matrix"!

Oh, all right, exactly.

In Zion?

You should scream your act, you're funnier.

Uh-oh.

Oh, whoa! I ordered... I ordered a water.

Oh, these are from the
gentleman at the bar,

I think he's a fan of you guys.

Oh, really? Pete, can you help us out?

Yeah! I... I could use a drink, yeah!

- On the house.
- Cheers!

Whoa... Okay, all right...

Oh, dude, that's a sipper.

Oh, all gone!

Wooo! Lemme in!

Oh, my God, he's sitting down now?

Oh, boy.

Ahh... Who's is this?

Oh, no! That was, uh, yours!

You take every major religion...

Ah, here we go...

and you mix 'em together,

- Right...
- they all say the same thing.

I'm being lectured by a pile
of cookie dough over here.

What do you think happens
when you die? You're gonna die.

I don't know man. I just
try not to think about it.

"What... What is everything?"
is... is a better question.

I mean, there's... you know, bigger things?

Please stop with this sh*t.

Let's just watch this woman
scratch her nose with her clit,

because... that's wondrous.

Uh... Are you married?

No, no, no!

I... I... I'm clinging to the past.

Ohhh!

No, you're right! It's f*ckin' weird!

f*ck that thing!

Yeah!

This is the part of the night,
you know, I mean, Artie...

- Yeah?
- This is where it happens.

We start lookin' for chicks.

Yeah.

I have to get up very early tomorrow

to sell umbrellas in front of Penn Station,

but... uh...

Actually, if you guys are free later,

I teach a 4:00 a.m. spin class
at the Crunch on Lafayette.

That's cool. Give it up for my
buddy, Artie Lange, everybody.

Yeah. Did you have a good time? Yeah.

Artie, I know you can't
stay. You have an episode

of "Storage Wars" to sh**t,

but, uh...

I love the look, though.

- Yeah, well...
- You look like a scalper

for every band I didn't see in the '80s.

Dude, if you're not on the line-up,

- you can't be down here.
- Come on.

I'm not in anybody's way, I'm just...

Listen, I don't make the
rules, man, I just enforce 'em.

Wait, hold on a second. Hey, is that Pete?

- Hey-hey!
- Yeah, it's Pete!

There he is! Pete, come up here, man.

Get up here, buddy, yeah.

- I'm sorry.
- Pete Holmes!

Give it up for Pete.

Fresh from the Hole!

- Wow.
- Whaaaaaaa...

Oh-ho, great!

Nice!

- Oh, easy.
- Fine, fine!

So Pete, how's the comedy scene
treatin' you here in New York?

Well, you know, I hand
out fliers for stage time,

I don't know if you guys
saw any of those out there,

- that's one of me, I do that.
- There you go.

You're handing out fliers.

I hand out fliers.

Have you heard of the
Internet? Anything, uh...

Are you gonna send out a telegraph
about your first hour, or no?

I like... I like this
drunk Pete. I like him.

- It's a lot... you're fun.
- Yeah.

Artie, if you're not wearing your Fitbit,

how do you know if you get your step today?

Ho! Whoa!

That'll hurt in the morning.

How do I get my step? This is great.

I don't like being mean!

No, be mean!

- That's all right.
- I like being mean.

Be mean.

By any memes necessary.

How did you get here? Did
you slip a 50 to the TSA?

Pete, easy. Easy, buddy.

Hold on a second. Let me see your mike.

Okay, I just had to turn
it to "Funny." Go ahead.

That was great.

Hey, thank you.

Ali.

Ah... door guy.

Do you bark here, too, or...

Uh, no, I was just onstage.

Saw you up there. I didn't get to go on,

'cause you guys were dicking
around for like 20 minutes.

- Oh.
- So...

Sorry.

It's all right.

You're really funny.

Thank you.

Really... like, I'm not just saying that.

- Mm.
- Like, when I saw your set, I was like,

"What... what happened?

What happened to you?"

Hmm? It doesn't make any sense,
'cause you're really beautiful

and you're really funny.
And that doesn't... those...

You're, like, not comedy hot,
you're regular... you're lady hot.

You're like a Barney's
department store hot.

Thank you.

And then you're funny?

f*ck you, man. What?

You're so shitfaced.

A little bit.

Yeah.

- A little bit.
- You're really gone.

Yeah.

I think y... I think
you should take me home.

What?

I think you should take me home with you.

Why would I do that?

Because!

I mean... You really want a reason?

I mean, this is... This is fate, I saw you,

and I'm seeing you again.

- Mm-hmm.
- I mean,

what are the chances that we're all alive?

With sunsets and babies,

and-and, there's gotta be more

than just Chinese food
and Cold Stone Creamery

and sleeping in a garage,
you know what I'm saying?

It's not...

Is there something
later? Perhaps, maybe not.

But there is something
that we can do today,

and we can be kind,

and we can be lovely,

and we can be sexual

and sensual.

Sorry, are you just
doing a Russell Brand bit?

Russell Brand has valid points.

Okay. You can buy me a drink.

I'll buy you a drink.

Shh!

Shh!

sh*t.

- Mmm...
- Mmm!

Mm!

- Wait, wait, wait.
- What, what?

Before the... the main event, you, um...

I just wanna make sure you want...

you wanna d... you wanna do this, yeah.

All signs point to yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do... I do, too.

- Yeah?
- I r... really do.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you feel so good.

Feels great.