03x01 - Jaboukie

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Crashing". Aired: February 2017 to March 2019.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


"Crashing" revolves around a young New York comedian who is forced to make a new start for himself after his wife leaves him for an Italian boxer.
Post Reply

03x01 - Jaboukie

Post by bunniefuu »

- Oh my God! Peter!
- Sweetest.

What?! Who is this?

I'm sorry, I should have
grabbed a bigger towel.

My wife slept with somebody else today.

Oh boy, go write some jokes.

Great live comedy tonight.

I'm going through a divorce,

I'm kind of floating around.

- Oh, you're homeless.
- No...

- Do you have a home?
- No...

Don't put your face in this pillow,

bad sh*t happened to this pillow.

So much of my life, I was afraid of God.

- Maybe I missed out.
- Really? You?

I could use a drink, yeah!

I think you should take me home.

- Mmm!
- You're the second person in my entire life

- I've ever made love to.
- Oh my God.

I feel like I sinned.

Ooh, sounds to me like you
are expanding your mind.

The whole point of New York

is you can like bounce
around to different spots.

- He's funny, right?
- He'll be funny in three years.

I'm trying to get into
the college market.

I just submitted a tape to NACA.

NACA changed my life.
I book 80 colleges,

I haven't had a real job since.

- NACA!
- Aah!

You've got six so far,
and I'm working on more.

You're my new show pony.

Roast! Roast! Roast!

News flash, Pete.
Jesus isn't coming back,

- and neither is your wife.
- Ooh!

I don't know how I walk away from that

and just forget it.

What kind of comedian can't take a joke?

- I don't want to date.
- Nice.

I packed up my stuff, I
can't go back to Artie.

I can't go back to my roommate.

You know what you need to do.
You gotta go back to your life.

Seriously, dude. You
gotta get outta here.

- It's time.
- Yeah.

I'm Al Pacino here to tell you

to take
exit 5-0-0.

5-0.

I, uh, I'm not a big ladies man.

I don't even have sex in
my dreams... that's true.

I can't seal the deal in my dreams.

I hit on women in real
life, they're like,

"In your dreams," I'm like, "No."

"Not even there."

Eh!

You ever just been in your dorm
room, watching a movie alone?

It gets really funny, and you're
kind of locked in the movie

and you forget that you're by yourself

and you have that first little laugh...

just you, just like...

And then you turn to the
friend that should be there.

And you're just...

"I'm so alone."

Hi. Miss Tyree.

- Oh, hi!
- I'm one of the administrators.

- So nice to meet you.
- You were funny, really funny.

Well, thank you.

What do you do now?

♪ My milkshake brings all
the girls to the yard ♪

♪ And they're like, "Hey!
It's better than yours" ♪

♪ They're like, "Whoo-ah!" ♪

When you bring me up,
would you just make sure

"Pete Holmes" is the last thing you say?

Just like, "Yadda, yadda, yadda,

clubs and colleges... Pete Holmes."

Then I'll come out. That's important.

- Okay, but I'm not introducing you.
- What? What do you mean?

Last month, we had a
student comedy competition

and first prize was opening for you.

I have an opener?

What's up, man?

- Hey. Pete.
- Hey, what's up?

Yeah. Jaboukie. I saw
your YouTube stuff.

- You did?
- Yeah, you're super funny.

- Oh, I'm so glad we're doing this.
- Yeah, I'm super excited

that this was able to, like, work out.

- I don't know if you had a say in anything.
- No, this was a surprise.

But this is a good surprise.

I've been on the road
for weeks and weeks.

- Oh.
- I'm like just... I mean,

it's great to do a
show with another comic.

I'm not, like, a professional
comedian or anything.

I'm still kind of new.

- How old are you?
- I'm 20.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Jeez, man... that's awesome

I'm 33.

Cool.

I feel like more straight
people should use Grindr.

If you don't know what that
is, that's a gay dating app.

Uh, just because, like,
gay people get a lot of,

like, consent talk out of the
way, up top, on Grindr, like,

"What are you into?

When was the last time
you were gonna get tested?

Are you the top or the
bottom? Blah, blah, blah."

We, like, establish a lot up top.

But for straight people on dating
apps, it's just sort of like,

"Mmm, I like pizza and memes."

Or like, "Here's a picture
of me holding a fish," like...

It took me a while to
come out to my family,

just because my parents are Jamaican

and h*m* is our
second-best Olympic sport, so...

that definitely took a minute, um...

But I feel like parents always
kind of know that stuff, though.

And I could tell, because my dad
would give my brothers advice,

and my dad would tell my brothers,

"Find a gal that makes you feel

like you don't deserve
her," which is beautiful.

He would just tell
me, "Don't do cocaine."

And I have, so, like,

what's up, Daddio? You know? Um...

But also, like, me and my
brothers were just, like,

so different from each
other growing up, like,

both my brothers are,
like, taller than me,

they're fitter than me,

they carry themselves
with confidence, you know?

But I'm like small, pale,

I carry myself like an
inbred European prince.

But I know I'm not ugly.

I know that.

Like, on a one to ten scale, I
don't think I could, like, model,

but I could definitely end a
Republican senator's career.

That was a f*cking great set.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Thanks, yeah, I appreciate it.

Dude, what are you doing in Maryland?

Going to college.

Yeah, but...

You're three hours from
the greatest comedy scene...

- In the world.
- ... in the world.

Orlando, Florida.

No, no! Manhattan!

You're three hours from
Manhattan, you should...

How often are you getting up?

- Like once or twice a month.
- That... that's what I'm saying.

So you're this good going
up that infrequently?

Imagine how good you'll get
when you're really doing it.

It's all who you know.

You know, you ever get
to the city, look me up.

I... I can save you
five years of bullshit,

get you in the right places.

- Anytime, really.
- I'm serious.

So am I.

I'm not doing sh*t here, like, truly.

I'm majoring in Philosophy,
like, I don't f*cking do anything.

- I made three Pringles bongs this week, alone.
- That's kind of impressive.

Thank you, I feel like I'm in prison.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning.
You want a ride, you can...

I have a place. You can crash
at my place, we'll do spots.

- Okay. Yeah, I'm down.
- Really? Are you serious?

- Yeah, no, I'm serious.
- I'm f*cking serious.

- I'm down to go.
- I could use some f*cking company.

You can drive? Can you drive?

- Candy is the best.
- It really is.

- It's made by science.
- Yeah, to be f*cking delicious.

Someone with a PhD was like,
"What does the mouth want?"

We've got it.

- Skittles? You ever have a Skittle?
- Skittles.

The rainbow kingdom.

Yes.

Can I ask why you got into comedy?

You seem... you seem pretty normal.

- I mean, you know what I mean.
- Yeah.

- Like, we're... we're a bruised people.
- Yeah.

- What happened to you?
- Um...

I feel... It was just, like, a
result of my surroundings, kind of?

I grew up in this, like,
low-income, black neighborhood.

I went to this, like,
rich, white school,

and... I just felt, like,
I don't know, growing up,

like, "funny" was a more stable identity

than whatever I had to do to, like,
go back and forth between that.

So I just, like, was, like,
"Okay if I'm the funny kid,

then I'm the funny kid
no matter where I am."

'Cause, you know... And it's
also, like, nobody funny-bashes.

You know?

Like, no one is gonna att*ck you

for doing bits in a conversation.

I wish there wasn't any bashing.

That'd be ideal, but then I
might not be a comedian, so...

Have you ever been to The Cellar?

Um, no, I've seen, like, videos of it.

That's where, like, Schumer
goes up with, like, Madonna.

- Yeah. Right? You never know.
- Right.

You never know who's gonna go up.

Sometimes it's Schumer,
you might follow Chappelle,

Rock... it's all the best ones.

Like, even getting an
audition at the Cellar?

I mean, it's huge. It's
a really, really big deal.

- Wow.
- So somebody vouched for me, I get to go up...

even that, it's like, it's
just an honor to be nominated.

But if I k*ll, and everybody kills,

you get in... now I'm doing
two-to-three spots a night,

instead of two-to-three spots a week.

- Wow.
- The right people see me,

I get a late-night spot,
maybe I get a half-hour,

maybe I get an hour, maybe I tour,

maybe I open for somebody, I mean...

- Dude, that's awesome!
- It's incredible.

- That's really cool.
- I mean...

I don't want to say New York's my town,

but it's kind of, you
know, it is, it's my town.

Okay, come in.

Okay. Pretty nice.

Yeah, I'm never here as you can tell.

It's basically just a crash pad.

Obviously, that's The Cellar.

Uh-huh.

- Around the corner is The Boston.
- Uh-huh.

It's in New York, but
they call it The Boston.

That's where I started out.

That's where a lot of
the greats start out.

- Hey!
- Ho! Petey!

- What's going on?
- Hey, buddy!

- Back from the... back from the college tour, right?
- Yeah. Oh my God!

It's so good to be back!
How are shows, selling?

Oh, it's great! Yeah! It's, um...
It's actually doing well, you know?

- Good!
- You know this Comedy Cellar around the corner,

everybody's showing up
to see whether or not

one of the disgraced comedians are gonna

come back and make an
appearance, and, uh,

they fill up, people find their
way over here. Overflow, baby!

- That's great!
- Yeah, it's cool. We're selling some tickets.

- Good. It's good to be back.
- Yeah.

- This is Jaboukie.
- Jaboody?

- Jaboukie, with a "K."
- Jaboukie.

- Star Wars?
- He opened for me on my coll...

- well, one of the college shows.
- Oh yeah?

I just wanted to show him
the old haunt, that's all.

"Old haunt." All right, hotshot.

Nah, listen, it's good
to see you. Come on in.

I had to call for a cab
to the airport and I said,

"Uh, hey, can I get a taxi

to LaGuardia at noon tomorrow?"

And the guy goes, "Okay, bye!"

Hey, maybe don't hang
up the phone just yet.

Aren't you supposed to
ask me for my address,

tell me how much this is going
to cost, or, I don't know,

do anything at all to convince me

a transaction has just been
made over the telephone?

Here's the weirdest part: he showed up!

Pretty popular guy.

I, uh, I gotta say hi to somebody.

Real quick. I'll be right back.

I'm in a relationship now.

I have a girlfriend who is...

Hey.

Hey.

Okay. Good to see you.

That was weird, sorry.

I'm, uh, I'm back. I'm back.

- In the flesh.
- Yeah.

It's good to see you.

Mmm-hmm.

How are you?

Well, I'm at The Boston, so...

It's not so bad. I was
in Maryland this morning.

Mm.

I bet they didn't pay you in fries.

I'm, uh...

Yeah, I'm done with
colleges for the summer.

I'm excited to get back into
the New York scene, you know?

I'm nervous, but, I mean,
I'm excited, too, I think.

Um, hey, Pete, uh,

I'm not trying to be callous, but...

I don't care.

Hey, what's up, everybody?

Clap your hands, right?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry...

about, I... the whole thing, I mean...

it was shitty.

I didn't mean to break up with you

on a street corner, after a show.

Okay.

I really am sorry.

Hmm, I kind of felt it that time.

Congrats on being a human being.

Hey, thanks.

What's happening here? What is this?

What the f*ck is that jacket?

I'm trying something new.

It's G-Star.

Are you sure you should be wearing that?

You're neither a G nor a star.

Is this it?

- This is it.
- Okay.

Crazy, right?

This is my... Uh, Kev!

- Hey! What's up?
- What's up, man?

This is, uh, this is Jaboukie.

Jaboukie, this is Kevin, my manager.

- Hey, what's up?
- What's up?

Nice to meet you.

You want to head in?
I'll meet you down there?

- Yeah, just, uh...
- Yeah, the white one.

- What's up, man?
- How you doing?

- I feel great. Thanks for being here.
- Yeah?

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Do you have your set list?

- Yeah.
- You sure you're ready?

Yeah.

Good, because if you f*ck
this up, the door closes.

- Yeah, I'm gonna...
- Yeah, have fun.

- I want you to have fun.
- Okay.

- Oh, hey!
- Hey!

What's going on?

Uh, just did a spot.

Here?

- Yes.
- Holy sh*t!

- Yeah!
- I didn't know you were passed.

- Oh, I mean...
- Wow!

I do, like, one spot every,
like, two weeks or something.

That's crazy.

I, uh... it's my audition.

- I'm auditioning tonight.
- Cool.

Yeah, I would love it
if you could, uh, stay.

Uh, yeah, I'll try to
stick around and watch.

- I mean, great!
- Yeah!

- I would love that! Yes!
- All right, well have fun! Yeah, yeah!

- Right. Bye-bye. -
Okay, see you later.

- Peter! How are you, brother?
- Pete!

Oh my gosh, you both made it!

- Yeah.
- I'm so glad.

It's so good to see you.

We just got back from
two weeks in Tulum.

- Tulum?
- It was magical.

- Tulum?
- Yeah.

We swam with baby tortugas.

- Wow!
- Oh God, Peter,

it took us to the next level, man.

- Without putting any labels on it.
- Yeah.

So you... you guys
are, like, together now?

- Oh, I mean...
- We are.

We just are.

But are... are you dating other people?

- No, I'm not.
- No, me too.

So you guys are... that's
great... you're together!

That's how you see it.

Peter, don't put us
in one of your boxes.

- But you look good!
- Yeah, are you excited?

- I am, yeah.
- Okay.

I feel like I've been
training for a marathon, so...

Not that I've ever run a
marathon, but, you know...

Yeah, I do know. I have run a marathon.

Well, not a marathon,
26 miles. Just because...

that's the road that was in front of me.

- You're gonna do great.
- Artie! Hey!

I just saw somebody that
I'm very excited to see.

- I'm gonna... Thank you for coming.
- Cool.

- I'll see you after.
- Yeah.

Artie!

Hey, hey, hey!

- What's up, man?
- Hey, buddy, good to see you.

Jeez, look at you!

Hey, it's good to see
you guys! This is fun!

Yeah, Pete, is that a camouflage jacket?

Yeah, it's G-Star.

What, were you in the Cupcake Wars?

- Thank you for your sacrifice.
- Estee, I'm... I'm Pete.

- Who?
- Pete Holmes.

- I'm auditioning for you.
- Pete Holmes,

the guy I was telling you about.

The tall drink of milk. Funny kid.

- Artie vouched for me.
- I did.

- You're going on after Elon.
- Okay.

Five minutes, light
at four. Don't go over.

- I aim to please.
- Just like sex.

Yeah, yeah. It's really
great to meet you.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

- All right, Pete. We got it.
- Thank you again.

- Take a walk.
- All right.

- Okay, see you.
- See ya later, Pete.

I had a stroke, man. I had a stroke.

No, that's not funny.
Don't laugh at that sh*t.

Who's f*cking laughing?

And one thing I learned about having
a stroke and being in New York:

Nobody gives a f*ck about your stroke,

that's for sure.

You walk down the street, they,
"Get the f*ck out the way!"

"What the f*ck, man?"

"Get the hell in the stroke lane!"

"What the f*ck is a stroke lane, man?"

And then... and then you
gotta cross that street!

That long-ass street
with the countdown...

the light with the countdown on it.

It starts counting down,
and my heart starts racing.

Oh, sh*t! What the f*ck!

17... 16...

All of a sudden, I'm in a race
with an old bitch in a walker.

15...

All right, man. Y'all ready
to keep this show going, man?

Let's hear this sh*t, man!

Come on, man, we got more show.

Got a special guest spot
coming... stopping past.


Very funny guy.

Clubs and colleges
all around the country.

Give it up for Pete Holmes!
Come on, man! Pete Holmes!

Pete!

Thank you!

Wow, Keith Robinson!
Keep it going for Keith.

Wow, look at this. Look at that.

I don't know. I don't
know Comedy Cellar,

you know, if I'm gonna...

You might have to put
in a skylight for me.

This isn't right.

You guys pee in the pool?

Clap your hands if you pee in the pool.

Don't be afraid.

Pee. No pee. Pee. Pee. No pee.

All the no pee-ers, you
gotta pee in the pool.

It is one of the truest acts of freedom

you can do as a human adult.

To stand up to here in water,
three feet away from a stranger,

just like, "What's going on?"

"Let's get closer."

We used to pee so much in
the pool when I was a kid,

they actually went so far as
to put a chemical in the water

that would make the water
turn red if you peed in it.

Anybody else have a pool that did this?

We used to try and frame kids.

We'd swim up to them real
close, pee, then swim away.

They'd get kicked out.

But the best thing to do
was to go on the high-dive,

the highest diving board they had,

run off, pee your pants in mid-air.

When you hit the water,
do the dead-man's float.

The water turned red.

Everyone thought you exploded.

Thank you, guys, very
much! What a thrill!

Comedy Cellar! Woo! Thank you!

All right. Give it up
for Pete Holmes, man!

- Woo!
- Woo!

- Jaboukie!
- Dude, that's so good!

- Man!
- Like, for real, you k*lled it.

I f*cking... They're right
there, they're right there.

- They're so good! That was amazing!
- Yeah. Yeah, great job!

Thank you!

What's going on? What are
you... What's going on?

Oh! Uh, um...

I actually hit up the person
that I knew in New York,

and they ended up getting me a spot.

You... here? Here?

Yeah, I'm shocked, too. Yeah.

Oh my God! Dude, who?

Michelle Wolf.

She's, like, college friends
with my sister, and I saw her.

You hit up Michelle Wolf?

Yeah, uh, she...

I, like, saw her last
Christmas or whatever.

Dude, that's amazing.
You should have told me.

I want to meet Michelle Wolf.

- Yeah, she's cool.
- Right?

- Yeah, she's cool.
- She's cool!

It's just a guest set,
but they're amazing.

You're gonna f*cking k*ll.

- Yeah? They're good?
- It's amazing!

Yes! Look at us, man!

Yesterday morning, we
were at Goucher College.

Now, big-time.

- This is what I said we'd do... lighting it up!
- Right. Yeah.

I'm proud of you. I'm happy for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it
up for Jaboukie Young-White!

Come on, man! Jaboukie!

What's up? What's up?

Michelle f*cking Wolf.

What's up? I'm multiracial.
Anybody multiracial?

Anybody? Yeah, yeah! Awesome!

Um, I am, and it's
kind of weird, though,

'cause, like, I've noticed that
my race changes from city to city

in, like, a weird way.
Like, when I'm in Chicago,

people just think that
I'm half black, half white.

When I'm in New York, people
think that I'm Puerto Rican.

But when I'm in CVS,
everyone thinks I'm stealing.

Which is, like, really
frustrating, 'cause I am.

I don't know how to
drive. I can't drive,

so I just gotta, like, Uber
everywhere, like, if I need to drive.

And for the first time, the
other day, I had an Uber driver

that had a 3.8 rating.

Like, are you murdering people?

What's going on?

I, like, got out the car, like,
zig-zagged into my apartment,

just in case he, like...

Just like, "Aah!"

Just, like, blow-darts
me, takes my phone,

gives himself five stars.

These drivers be thirsty.

♪ I just never took the time ♪

♪ You were always on my mind ♪

♪ You were always on my mind ♪

Hello. Pete.

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Pellegrino.

So...

So.

You're not ready.

Really? I... I thought I k*lled.

I mean, they... I k*lled.

No.

A strong b*mb is
better than a weak k*ll.

Is there... Sorry. What? What?

Who are you, why are you, and why now?

I have plenty of white
guys talking about nothing.

Is it... is there something, I mean...

Look, it didn't do anything for me.

- Estee!
- Oh hi, Greer!

- How are you? Sit down, sit down.
- Good. Good.

- How was it?
- Oh, it was fantastic.

- Wanda Sykes stopped in.
- Really?

- Yeah, she did well.
- I don't expect anything less from her.

My go-to. The only
thing that stays the same

is the fact that I get followed
in like every CVS, basically.

And every city has a CVS.

- Exactly! So it works.
- Hey, man.

- Uh, what's going on? What's up?
- Hey, what's up?

- Uh, Estee, this is, uh, this is Jaboukie.
- I know.

He, um, he's my opener.
I mean, one time.

So, um, send me your
avails. You can e-mail them,

- or you can text me, okay?
- Okay.

- My number is 917...
- 917.

- 439...
- 439.

Okay, you're gonna... Okay.

Actually, it's pretty good pizza...

Oh, hey! Pete!

Hey!

♪ That was a good set! ♪

Are you f*cking with me?

No, it was really good.
Why? What'd she say?

She said no!

She said a bunch of f*cking riddles,

and then she said no. It's a no.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

- What?
- This must be a big moment for you.

This is your I-told-you-so, right?

- What?
- Everything you said: I'm f*cking corny,

I'm not an artist, I'm not
one of the cool kids, right?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

I'm not rooting against you, okay?

I hate to break it to you, but I'm
not invested in you on that level.

I just wanted to tell you

that you had a good set,
because you f*cking did.

So relax, and quit being
a f*cking little bitch.

- Well, clearly I didn't have a f*cking good set.
- You did!

- I didn't.
- I watched you! So what, you didn't get passed,

- it's fine!
- This has been six months, do you understand?

- It kept me f*cking...
- Oh my God! Six months! Ha!

You don't know what it's
like. I'm on the f*cking...

- I don't know what it's like?
- Yes, you don't!

I f*cking wasted, like,
half the year for this! I...

- I'm sorry. Thank you for coming.
- I'm... I really am sorry!

You were great. I think you got screwed.

I appreciate... I
appreciate the support.

I haven't seen that
type of look in her eyes

since '92 when Chappelle went on stage.

- Yo!
- Yeah, no bullshit, man.

And she had that look like, "Oh!"

You know what I mean?

And it pissed me off,
to be honest with you.

Jaboukie. Jaboukie!

Let's go, man, I called the Uber.

- All right. No problem, man.
- Yeah, thanks, man.

You definitely should've
gotten a spot, too.

Like, I don't know what

was going on with that
lady or whatever, but...

No, man, you were great.
That was a great set.

- You're really f*cking funny.
- Um, thanks, but like, I mean,

that was, like, a fluke,
you know, I probably couldn't

- do that again if I had to.
- Don't.

Don't downplay it.
You'll k*ll next time.

I'll be fine. You did...

I just want to get the f*ck out of here.

- Come on.
- I'm actually gonna hang back if that's cool?

It's just, like, I'm never
really in New York, so like...

- Yeah. No, okay.
- Yeah.

- I really appreciate it.
- Have fun.

f*ck.

- Artie...
- I saw the set.

m*therf*cker, don't f*ck with
me right now. I'm serious!

I can't f*cking take
this right now, okay?

Okay, you're clearly upset.
Let's work through this.

Ooh!

So what'd she say?

She said I don't do anything for her.

The kid's done it, like, five times!

It's aggravating, but just get over it.

He f*cking jumped the line, okay?

I've been grinding it
out, it was my turn!

He can't just swoop around me!

This is the game.

You gotta get over this mountain,

and especially in New
York City, it's important.

I mean, look, the booker
thinks you're a hack, I'm sorry.

You vouched for me!

I've been know to make
a lot of bad decisions.

- Look at these goggles.
- Artie, I thought I was helping him,

- he didn't need me at all.
- Welcome to life, man.

You picked the wrong
kid to mentor, dude.

You mentor somebody who stinks,

and you let him sleep on the couch.

- Thanks. That's... that's nice.
- Is that all right?

Ah, I know it's bullshit,
but, honestly, I'm sorry buddy.

There's ups and downs. And look at me.

Is there any more proof
that things can get better?

Ha!
Post Reply