03x06 - The Viewing Party

[bunniefuu]

I'm seeing someone.

Someone I met at work.

- Is he your boss?
- No, he's right here.

Ted, this is Pete.

Did you tell him about Seth Meyers?

- sh*t.
- He's so great.

Yeah. Dreamy. I'm talking
about Seth Myers.

You got... You're doing late night?

Okay, let's go meet your parents.

Who's this?

Remember the weekend that
I worked in New Jersey?

- She was there.
- Hey.

- And what am I gonna...
- And you stayed in the same condo?

Can we talk about this later?

- Hello!
- Hi!

- I wanna know what you think.
- Well, are you wearing a bra?

- Is that your business?
- Mom.

It's my business when you're
sitting next to me in church.

We're outta here. We're going.

I'm really sorry, and I love you.

I love you too.

The judges were in total agreement

as to who should be our star baker.

Kitty, I'm gonna get going.

What? Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?

Remember? Ali did
stand-up on Seth Meyers?

Some comics are gonna
get together and watch.

Oh, no, I'm so sleepy.

I don't think I can go out tonight.

- Sorry.
- That's okay.

It's... It's just kinda...

It's like a comic thing.
Just a me thing.

Oh, I'm not invited?

No, of course you're invited.

- You're invited.
- It sounds like I'm not invited.

No, I... Kitty, I barely want to go.

I just felt weird, you
know, not saying yes.

- Okay.
- I hope it's not...

You don't still feel weird about
Ali and me and the road or...

No, Pete. I don't hate Ali.

I just... If you're gonna hang
out with your ex-girlfriend,

I would like to know about it

in advance, because that was weird.

If it... Yeah.

I don't have to go.

No, it sounds like you should go.

It sounds like you wanna
go and it'll be fun.

Okay.

- Do you want to come?
- Do you want me to come?

I want you to come with me
if you want to come with me.

Do you... If... Just, do you want to?

Well, I don't want to come if you
don't, like, want me to come.

You're invited, yes.

I want you to go if you want to go.

Is it gonna be fun?

Yes. Yeah! I think so.

Just a bunch of comedians
in a comedy club

talking about comedy, that's fun.

What's more fun than that?

- Okay, I'll come.
- Great!

- Let me just change.
- Okay.

Maybe this is a mistake.

- What?
- What?

This whole party thing just
feels really excessive.

- No.
- Right?

To, like, do it at The Cellar?

We could just watch it at my apartment.

Stop it. You need to start to
learn how to celebrate yourself.

You know, part of being
an empowered woman

is unapologetically showing the
world how much you matter.

- Thank you!
- Oh, then I wore that dress!

I never wear dresses to do stand-up,

and then I suddenly
decided that was the move

for national television.

Oh, that's what you do!

Don't you want to look great when
you're on a date with destiny?

That's why you'd wear a dress.

How did you know this was happening?

I got my sources.

Pete told you?

Yeah, he's a satisfied client of mine.

Listen, Ali, everyone
is here to support you.

- Come on, this is a big night!
- This is your night!

It's not that big of a
deal, guys, really.

Well, you know, it could be.

With the right help, with
the right support system,

you could take this and
turn it into something big.

You're gonna need somebody
on your team, okay?

You can't represent yourself.

What if Whitney Houston sang
"The Star-Spangled Banner"

and nobody told anybody about it?

What if Prince did the halftime
show at the Super Bowl

and nobody ever saw it?
Where would we be now?

I don't really think managers do as much

- as you think managers do.
- But they could.

I could introduce you to Scott Disick.

I just met him at a rave.

All right.

I had a heart att*ck
in February, and, um,

I don't even like the fact that

I have to tell people
I had a heart att*ck.

Like, I wish, you know, I'm
supposed to be famous,

you know, but it's, like, I'm
famous but nobody knows.

Like, I'm famous but nobody
cares. That's been my problem.

I'm famous, but I've been
famous too many times back

and then unfamous and then famous again.

And after a while, people are
just over it, unfortunately.

Like, in this neighborhood...
true story...

these guys were bringing a
couch up a stoop, like,

and they recognized me, knew
my name, 'cause I'm famous.

Guy goes, "Colin Quinn... "
he starts dropping his...

"Grab the other end for a second."

That's not how you speak
to famous people, folks.

You understand? You're supposed
to be a little reverent.

Nobody's ever like, "Hey,
Rihanna, you got jumper cables?"

- Is that her?
- Yeah.

- She's not mousy!
- Shh, don't say that.

- Hi, Ali! Hi!
- Oh, my God. Hey, hi!

- So nice to finally meet you.
- So nice to meet you!

- It's Kat?
- Yes!

- Yes, hi.
- Hi!

I was worried I was hugging a stranger.

- No, this is Kat. Hi, hi.
- Hi, hi. You are Pete.

- Still Pete, yes.
- Yes. Pete in a hat.

- How did it go?
- It was good.

- Good? Great?
- Yeah, it was...

Yeah, I think it was great.
I mean, I don't know.

it was either good or bad,
we'll see when it airs.

No, you're a stand-up comedian!

Like, that is so crazy!

- That is so cool!
- Yeah.

- Congrats!
- It is crazy.

You had a dream and it came true.

- Oh, well, yeah. Guess that's...
- How amazing is that?

- That's crazy.
- Yeah.

Um, you guys are tall!

I'm like craning my neck to look at you.

- Yeah.
- You're both very tall and blonde,

and the half-Jewish
part of me is scared.

- Don't hurt me.
- Ah!

- We're very open-minded. Yeah.

Yeah, well, we don't want to bother you.

What? Oh, hi, hi.

- I got you a drink.
- Oh, thank you. Thanks!

- Pete.
- Ted.

- It's Ted.
- Wait, you're so tall.

You were giving us
sh*t about being tall,

- but he's so tall.
- He is.

- What the f*ck?
- She's, uh, three talls.

Oh, my God. I'm surrounded.

That's so cute.

I want to say hi to Estee
in case she leaves.

- Okay, cool.
- So I'll be right back.

- Cool.
- I'm just gonna get this out of the way.

- Yeah, yeah.
- We'll just hang out.

- Okay, fine.
- Compare notes.

Ninety percent of people
that k*ll really hard,

there's something hacky going on.

Interesting.

If you're k*lling for an
hour, you're hacking?

- If you're getting...
- No.

... every moron in the crowd cackling,

falling over their set for an hour,

I guarantee there's a lot of
hack stuff going on in there.

- I disagree.
- Estee, damn it!

Hey!

Then all you need just to
play the devil's advocate.

Sorry. Hi, Estee. I'm Pete.

- Hi. I know who you are.
- Oh. Um...

I just wanted to say hi
to everybody. Wayne.

- Good to see you, brother.
- Good to see you.

Dildo dude with the dumb hat.

- Dildo dude with the dumb hat.
- Yes!

That's my website dot net.

- Take that off.
- Dot com was taken.

This is Colin Quinn, by the way.

- Hey! Really nice to meet you.
- Hey.

Um, some of us, I don't
know if you noticed,

we're getting together to have a
screening party for my friend Ali.

She's doing Seth Meyers tonight.

- Do you know Ali? She's wonderful.
- No.

She's beautiful, she's
funny, she's charismatic.

- She's going places.
- She's great, she's great.

Well, I'll be at the bar.

That guy's got little d*ck energy.

I know the struggle.

Because when my dad
first came to America,

he used to think the solution
from getting deported,

just pretend you're not Haitian.

That was his solution if
immigration ever come up to you.

"You Haitian?" "No, you crazy.

I'm not Haitian."

"Uh-oh.

"I've been in America
five years all my life.

Why you... Why you say that?
Who... Who tell you that?"

I'm really proud of you for tonight.

Thanks, Dad.

I mean it.

Nobody works as hard as you.
It's nice to see it pay off.

It's inspiring. I'm happy to see that,

you know, the good guys win.

Can you do me a favor?

If the set sucks, will you
just tell me, please?

Because, well, Ted's just
gonna tell me it's great

no matter what because he loves me.

Yeah, it's not gonna
suck. It's gonna be...

I mean it. I could go up on stage
and vomit and do a curtsey,

and Ted would be like,
"Awesome closer, babe!"

Except, he doesn't call it the closer.

He calls it the finale.

- Like a fireworks display?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna start using that.

Can you... Will you excuse
me for just one second?

- Oh. Yeah.
- Sort of worlds colliding.

Okay.

I went shopping for a dress,

and so he like came into
the dressing room with me.

Whoa, it's like two naked Big Birds.

- That's exactly what it looks like!
- What?

Hi.

- Hello!
- What's going on?

I'm just telling them about how we met.

- Not all the details?
- Not yet!

Not all of them, but some
important ones were told.

- Yes.
- Uh-huh.

And it was just getting good.

In fact, um, was it good for you?

Ah!

I just want to know.

Um, tonight, not about that.

It's about Ali, so...

Pete, don't be embarrassed. You're sexy.

- You... You are sexy, Pete.
- You are sexy.

Like, own it, man. Own that sexiness.

- Yeah, you got that swerve.
- Yeah, man.

This is great.

Not that good, Pete.

Seriously though? Seriously,

I was gonna get a drink,
and it looks like

maybe you'd like a sparkling water?

- Do you want a...
- No, can you get me another one?

Why don't you come with me?

- No!
- She's staying.

- But I want to hang out with them.
- I wanna have fun with you.

Let's... Come on, we'll
get a drink together.

Petey, just let me... I'm
gonna stay here, okay?

- She's staying.
- Yeah, you always get her.

- I'm...
- Take your time, man.

- Let her stay here.
- Oh, yeah!

- Thank you. I love you.
- Thanks for drinks.

I had sex at a job fair.

Whoa!

- At which table?
- In the bathroom.

In the bathroom? What, like a union man?

Not a union man.

He was handing out
pamphlets for the Walmart.

- Hi, can I get a sh*t please?
- Peter!

- Hi.
- What?

What are you doing here?

Ali invited us.

Her and Jess are like super
pals since the roast.

- Jess is here?
- Yeah.

God, that's f*cking weird, man.

What is weird?

My ex-girlfriend, my current girlfriend,

and now my ex-wife are
all in the same place,

that's weird.

Cut the negativity, man. That's awesome!

You're talking about three women
that you've shared love with.

That's a beautiful thing. How
are you whining about that?

Don't make this about
you. It's about Ali.

And one day, you'll be up there
performing on Star Search,

and you'll get three and
three-quarter stars, and you'll win,

and Sinbad will be the
one frowning that day.

And we'll all be here on
your side, laughing for you.

You got rid of your TV
a long time ago, huh?

No, I just moved to a place
without any electricity.

What's all this, Wil?

Oh, Ali Reissen doing Seth Meyers.

Ali who?

Ali... Ali Reissen.

I've never seen her my entire life.

She's doing Seth f*cking Meyers,

and it's like... it's
like an open mic now?

- What's the matter? She's funny.
- I mean, they just

- take anybody now.
- It's not my fault you...

No, I didn't know. I thought
it was gonna keep coming.

And now with all this
diversity... you're diverse,

you can barely talk,
you know what I mean?

You still got a f*cking accent and
you've been here like 50 years.

I mean, come on. I mean,
seriously. Are you playing it?

Can you talk normal and you're
just doing it to get a special?

It's not my fault you're using
whiteness in the wrong way.

- That's not my fault.
- I know, I know, I know.

I should've been an agent or something.

All this whiteness and
it got you nowhere.

Look at this guy. This guy will
get a f*cking special before me.

- Because he's black?
- No, 'cause he's diverse.

Hey, you guys, it's about to start!

Um, hi? Hi, excuse me.

Do you mind just putting on NBC, please?

Seth Meyers is about to begin.

Thanks.

From 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York...

You recorded this this afternoon?
You taped this afternoon?

- Today, yeah.
- And now it's airing.

This is the best time when you
don't even know how it is.

- No idea.
- So exciting. How do you feel?

Kind of freaking out.

Sure, 'cause everything
you do lives forever.

- That's the scary part about doing TV.
- Oh, God.

I did Crocodile Dundee 2,

- you ever heard of it?
- Mm-mm.

Well, anyway, it was better
than one, a lot of people said.

But it's, you know,
people troll you online.

"Hey fatso. Hey stupid."

- You know, forever.
- Oh, God.

So he's in that. I'm in Legally Blonde.

Little kids come up to me and
they're like, "I know you!

You got Elle Woods into Harvard."

It's fantastic. But other times, like,

you Google my name, guess what comes up?

Not Legally Blonde. My
evening at the Improv.

- Huh.
- Didn't go well.

I wore a pirate's jacket on
a half-hour comedy special.

- Yeah.
- It wasn't my best look, a mullet.

People, to this day, act
like I was Harvey Weinstein.

- Oh, God.
- It was a bad fashion choice.

- Yeah. Forever.
- Right, right. Yeah.

Yeah, here's the crazy
thing. In the future,

you're gonna realize this
is probably a terrible set,

because you get better as a comedian.

And you're like, "Oh, now I
know how to do those jokes.

Now I know how not to look
panicked on television.

Yeah, our point is, congratulations.

- You're in the club now.
- Cool!

You know how many people
want to do comedy?

And they don't ever get on television?

I'm just gonna... I'll be right back.

Okay. It's exciting.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. I would never have a party, though.

- No. No!
- God, could you imagine?

What's up? Are you freaking out?

Yeah? What's... Why?

I feel like I'm not gonna be great.

- You're gonna be great.
- No, no, no. I mean,

I'm afraid that I am just good.

And there are a lot of
people who are good,

and I'm just gonna be another good.

Okay.

- Do this.
- What?

Do this with your body.

- Is this a Jesus thing?
- It's not a Jesus thing.

It's a power stance.

If you're feeling small and nervous,

this tricks your body into feeling good.

It works. I do it before shows.

Can you feel it?

- I can feel it.
- Don't f*cking lie to me.

- Can you feel it?
- I can feel it!

- Woo!
- Woo!

I get it. I feel invincible.

Can I get another one?

- You here to see Ali?
- What?

- For the viewing? You here for that?
- Oh, yeah.

That's cool. Me, too.

Wait, who are you?

That's so funny, 'cause I
was just about to tell you

who I am.

I'm Leif.

Oh, you're Leif?

Yeah.

I'm Kat. I'm Pete's girlfriend.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I know all about you.

You slept with Pete's wife
and you ruined his marriage.

Okay, yeah. Marriages die, Kat.

But out of the ashes rose
the beautiful phoenix

of a lovely friendship.

Does anybody buy your bullshit?

I can't be the judge of that.

- Jess! Hi!
- Hey!

This is Kat.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Oh, is it?

I thought it was.

She scared me so bad.

- Oh. Oh.
- My bones are ice.

Kids are rough, 'cause they...

It's a lot of responsibility.
They don't have any money.

I had to buy a bed. You know
where I went to buy a bed?

Bed, Bath, and Beyond. They don't
sell beds at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

I was looking for a bed for half
an hour at Bed, Bath, and Beyond,

just walking around
like a f*cking idiot.

Finally I just asked the guy,
I go, "Where are the beds?"

He goes, "We don't sell beds."

I'm like, "It's Bed, Bath, and Beyond."

He goes, "Yeah, we f*cked
up, you know," so...

I'm like, "Is there even a Beyond?"

He goes, "No, but we got
a lot of chip clips."

Next up, we have Saoirse
Ronan, and later,

making her late-night television
debut, comedian Ali Reissen!

Stick around, everybody.
We'll be right back.

Oh, my God, it's Emo Philips.

Oh, my God.

- Nice to see you.
- Oh, good to see you.

Does he even play here?

I didn't even think
he lived in New York.

He looks like he lives
in a tree. Who is that?

Oh, he's the godfather of alt comedy.

- What are you doing in town?
- I just saw a Broadway show.

- What'd you see?
- Well, they didn't have a name,

but I gave them a dollar.

Oh.

His aura is both childlike
and wise at the same time.

He looks like he rode
here on an umbrella.

Hi, Emo. Oh, my goodness.

So nice to see you.

You look so good.

Oh, right back at ya, hot mama.

Oh, this is... It's cool
that he's here. It's cool.

- Right? Come on.
- Oh, no. It's fine. No, no, no.

Tonight is all about you.
This is your night.

Thank you. It's totally fine.

Do you think he's gonna go up?

f*ck, I hope so. He's one
of my favorite comics.

- Really?
- Yeah!

I thought you were more
like a Mike Epps guy.

You know, I can like
some real sh*t, man.

- I'm not saying...
- What the f*ck is wrong with you?

- Let's go see if he's doing something.
- Actually, I would love that.

- Come on, let's go.
- Come on, let's check it out.

- Oh, hello.
- All right.

Do you mind if I just go down
and watch for one minute?

Wait. You're leaving?

Oh, come on. I just wanna
watch, like, eight jokes.

And I'll be right back up. Do you mind?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go.

- I want you to go. Okay.
- I'll be right back.

Actually, everybody who wants
to go should just go, um...

Ali, we're all here for
you, this is all about you.

Yeah, we don't care about Emu Philips.

- Emo, see? Zero fucks.
- Okay, Emo.

- I don't...
- We don't care.

Okay, well, I'm... I'm just gonna see

if he still does the voice bit.

It's iconic, so...

Um, I'm not here to see Emo Philips.

I'm here to turn you into Emo Philips.

Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate that.

It's so great to be
back in New York City.

I used to live here.
Sometimes, I miss it so much

I'll fill my humidifier with urine.

Women like courtesy on a date.

That's so important.

I got in trouble once on a date.

I didn't open the car door for her. Ooh!

Instead, I just swam for the surface.

Hey, guys.

- Aren't you about to be on TV?
- Eh, I got tired of waiting.

She can't miss this!

I am excited about baseball season.

I love baseball. Once,
when I was a little boy,

I b*at up the school bully
with a baseball bat.

Both his arms were completely broken,

which is what gave me the courage.

One more time...

Emo Philips!

That was a great set.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're great.

- Yeah, that was amazing.
- Oh, thank you.

I was watching it, being like,

"I don't know if I'll
ever be that good."

- Oh, are you a comedian?
- Yes.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- I'm... I'm doing stand-up tonight.
- Uh-huh.

I'm making my late-night
debut on Seth Meyers.

Oh, my first sh*t

was Late Night with David
Letterman, back in '84.

Oh, yeah! I've seen that set.

- Oh, thank you.
- YouTube, yeah.

I had a four-and-a-half minute
set, and I'm not exaggerating,

I must have rehearsed it
in front of the mirror

200 times afterwards.

That's the secret, preparation.

- Just remember...
- Yeah.

Chaplin can be Keaton,

but the Marx Brothers
cannot be the Stooges.

- Hmm.
- Ali, you're on!

Okay. Thank you, Emo Philips. Okay.

I'm coming!

Thank you, Emo Philips!

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Oh, gosh, I-I sucked tonight.

Tonight's guest is a very funny
comedian making her late-night debut.

Please welcome to the show
Ali Reissen, everyone!

- Hello! It's so good to be here!
- Whoo!

- Thank you for having me!
- Shh!

Um, I've been eating Paleo.

Um, if you guys don't know what that is,

that's where you eat the same
thing dinosaurs eat, so...

backstage I was snacking
on Chris Pratt, and, um...

he's very high in protein.

I've been eating a lot. I've
been eating a lot lately.

Like, the other day, I ate so much,

my friend was like, "Ali,
you have a food baby."

I was like, "No, Denise.
I have a gut, you know?"

- She's funny.
- Yeah.

The only time it would be
cool to have a food baby

is if you got treated the same way

as someone pregnant with
a regular baby, right?

Like, somebody gives up their
seat to you on the subway.

They're like, "Oh, my God.
What are you having?"

You're like, "Had... carnitas with guac.

Yeah, it's really emotional."

- I like her dress.
- Shh!

They're like, "Oh, you're glowing!"

Do not f*cking shush me.

It's almost over. Let's talk after.

I was gonna say that I like her dress.

- Yeah, okay. Just, shh, please.
- Jesus f*cking Christ, Pete.

I'm sorry. Let's just talk in a minute.

Things are good. Things
are good in my life.

My boyfriend and I, we just took

our relationship to the next level.

We broke up, and...

She's so full of herself.

- Kitty.
- What?

- She's right there.
- She can't hear me.

But it was still hot. Like, in bed,

he'd be like, "Who's your daddy?"

And I'd be like,
"Where's your erection?"

And it was just this total throw down.

He was like, "Are you close?"
I'm like, "Are you in?"

Is that joke about you?
That's f*cked up.

Oh... no. I don't think so.

She's got other boyfriends,
ex-boyfriends.

Every time we hooked up, his penis
seemed surprised to be used.

Like, it had a real benchwarmer
quality, you know?

Like the underdog in
every football movie

who finally gets called
in to play the big game.

He's like, "Who me, Coach?"

He's like, "Yeah, you.
We're down 40 points.

Now get in here and make me proud!"

That's it for me. I'm Ali
Reissen. Thank you so much!

Ali Reissen, everybody!
We'll be right back!

Oh, my God, it was so good!

- It was incredible.
- Really?

Oh, my God, the finale...

I mean, the whole
sketch was... it k*lled.

- Excuse me, Steve Winwood.
- Oh!

Whoa! That was amazing!

- Oh, my God.
- So, so funny. So funny.

- Really?
- So great. Great!

Ah, that means so much. Thank you.

- We're talking... We're blown away.
- We loved it.

I would say the same thing, but
it's better coming from him.

He's a bigger star. It's better credits.

Why does it have to be about
that? Just a compliment...

- Can't we just compliment her?
- I'm done and she liked it.

- Thank you.
- Ali...

You!

- It was so good. Yes.
- Was it really, though?

- Tell me. Don't... don't you lie to me.
- No, I'm not.

- Don't you lie to my f*cking face.
- I'm not lying!

I told you I'd tell you.
It was incredible.

- Really?
- I can't believe that was your first time.

- You're a natural.
- I believe you.

- You were so great.
- Oh, thank you.

Pete, can I talk to you for a second?

I have one note.

Thank you...

I know everything that's going on.

What?

I see everything.

It was amazing.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad it's over!

Oh, hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Was that, um, d*ck joke
about Pete's d*ck?

Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no.

Um, I've actually encountered a lot
of soft dicks in my day, so...

Yeah, 'cause it seemed like
it was about Pete's d*ck.

Mm-mm.

Okay, 'cause with me,

Pete's d*ck is always hard with me.

Congratulations on your achievement.

- Uh... what the f*ck?
- Oh, my God.

- I'm like scared for Pete.
- Yeah.

I feel physically scared.

She's going to break his heart.

- She's going to annihilate him.
- Yeah.

Anyway, it's kind of fun thinking about

how she's going to hurt him, but...

We should totally hang out
with her when they break up.

Kitty, what are you doing? Hold on.

- Stop it! Stop.
- Come on. Stop.

- You're in the street.
- You f*cking shushed me, Pete.

You f*cking shushed me,
and I'm your girlfriend.

I'm the one that's important,
not your f*cking ex-girlfriend

- who's on f*cking TV.
- Listen to me, hold on.

You were talking during a very
important stand-up set, okay?

Tonight was about Ali,

and you were... It's rude.

- It's f*cking rude.
- I was rude?

- Yes.
- You know what's f*cking rude

is Ali telling a joke about you on
national TV, in front of everyone.

- You should be f*cking humiliated.
- You don't know that.

You don't know it was about me.
How do you know it was about me?

- It was about your d*ck.
- I don't f*cking lose enough erections

for that to definitely be about
me. You don't know that.

Comics make jokes about
people they care about.

- That's what we do.
- Oh, she cares about you.

That's... That makes me
feel so much better.

I'm just gonna let you guys...

I'll let you go, go back to her.

- Can I explain something to you right now?
- No, bye.

You're my girlfriend, and you're
making a drunken, crazy scene

in front of a club, on a night
that has nothing to do with you!

So, if you tell jokes about
the people you care about,

then what do you... what
jokes do you tell about me?

I don't. I don't do jokes about you.

Is that what you want? I
don't do any jokes...

- You're a f*cking liar.
- I don't do any jokes...

- Tell me what jokes you tell.
- Jesus.

- Tell me what jokes you say about me.
- No!

I'm not doing my act
for you in the road,

- while you're making a scene.
- Oh, you're not gonna do your shitty little act?

Do it. You can't get into The Cellar.

Tell me a f*cking joke
outside of The Cellar, Pete.

My girlfriend loves dildos.

Sometimes she says
she's not in the mood,

and then I hear her sneak
off into the bathroom

and it sounds like a
helicopter leaving Saigon.

Did you tell that joke while you
were f*cking her in New Jersey?

I didn't... I didn't cheat on you.

I've never... I've never
even thought about cheating.

I have eyeballs and I can see
everything that's going on!

I see everything!

- I know what's up, Pete.
- What's up?

- What's up? What's up?
- What's up?

- What's up?
- What's going on?

Do you understand the words
I'm saying right now?

Jesus.

What the f*ck are you doing?

What do you mean what
the f*ck am I doing?

You can't do deaf... What are you...

Why can't I do it, comedy police?

Why can't I do f*cking deaf voice?

You sound like a bully in an '80s movie.

Well, you're... You suck!

You're a shitty boyfriend.

And you're an even shittier comic.

Okay, can you get out of the street?

- You're a shitty joke.
- Can you get out of the street, please?

You get out of the street!

- Get on the f*cking sidewalk.
- I'll do what I want!

Yo, Pete, man. You gotta get
out of the street, dude.

Yeah. I saw a guy got hit
out here like two days ago.

He's f*cking dead.

Yeah.

- Sorry.
- Come on.

Babe, you were so good tonight.

Did you have fun, my
pretty, pretty princess?

- I did.
- Good.

Now, if I can just find the
pin drop of where my car is.

- Where'd you park?
- Like five blocks.

I'm going to walk her to her Fiat.

- No.
- I am.

- All right.
- Be right back.

He really is the best. Come on.

I don't deserve him.

- Ah. Hi, hi.
- Hey.

- Great set.
- Thank you.

Everything you wanted it to be.

Yeah, it was good.

Hey, congrats. I'm gonna go get
started on that action plan.

Okay, yeah. I didn't ask you to do that.

Where's Kat?

Kat and I just had a really big fight,

in the middle of the street.

Oh, sh*t.

And it ended with her screaming
about your penis joke.

Yeah, I know.

She kind of cornered me in the bathroom.

She confronted me after
my set about the joke.

For f*ck's sake, really?

I don't think she liked it.

I was made aware of that.

She's scary. I didn't know!

- Maybe she was just upset.
- She did deaf voice to me.

- Just now.
- What?

In front of... People were watching

- and she did...
- What does that mean?

- Do you...
- No! Stop. I get it, I get it.

It was horrifying.

People say dumb sh*t
when they're fighting.

- Not in deaf voice, they don't.
- Yeah.

I think I'm in over my head.

I'm sorry.

- Okay.
- Um...

Well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.

- Okay.
- I gotta go find Ted.

I really am sorry.

Okay. All right.

Are you okay?

I'm funnier than that whore.

Go to sleep.