03x08 - Mulaney

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Crashing". Aired: February 2017 to March 2019.
"Crashing" revolves around a young New York comedian who is forced to make a new start for himself after his wife leaves him for an Italian boxer.
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03x08 - Mulaney

Post by bunniefuu »

This is exciting for me.

- I'm a comic.
- Great.

- Do you have a business card?
- No.

I'm fully kidding.

Abraham and Isaac. Abraham had
the knife up in the air and

and he heard a voice, thank God, or it
would've been, pptt, pptt, pptt.

- You know I have to f*re you, right?
- I figured.

I just don't know if I can grow here.

Why do you think we
shouldn't be together?

- I'm in over my head.
- That is such a cop out.

The second you missed your ex-girlfriend
you got little bored with me.

In 10 years, you're going to
regret this so much.

And I'm going to realize that I
dodged a f*cking b*llet.

I think you know you'll die alone.


♪ ♪


♪ Well... It's time to move on ♪

♪ Time to get going ♪

♪ What lies ahead ♪
♪ I have no way of knowing ♪

♪ But under my feet, baby ♪
♪ Grass is growing ♪


♪ Yeah... It's time to move on ♪

♪ Time to get going ♪

♪ Well... It's time to move on ♪
♪ Time to get going ♪


- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I'm here to meet Kevin Woods.

Right this way.

- Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.

Good to see you, Peter.

What is this place?

It's my favorite restaurant.

Molto Bene.

What's up? What's going on?

I heard about the Christian tour.


I... I don't know. I thought
it was one thing, and

it was very restrictive.

- It was a lot of money.
- I know.

A lot of dates.


Well, I got some news.


John Mulaney wants you to open for him.

- Are you f*cking with me?
- Nope.

He asked for you by name.

- John Mulaney?
- John Mulaney.

- Asked for me?
- Mm-hmm.

- By name?
- Yep.

How did... We met one time.

He must've seen me or something, right?

That's the thing about
this business, Peter.

You never know what's lurking
around the next corner.

Most of the time,
it's a punch in the gut.

Sometimes, it's a treasure chest.

This is the moment
we've been waiting for.

All that training, all that grooming.

This is your treasure chest.

- That's amazing.
- You've been working really hard.

- That's amazing.
- You know?

You're ready for this.
This is your moment.

- That's great.
- Mm-hmm.

- You said yes?
- Mm-hmm.

I thought you were just...

I thought you just wanted
to f*re me or...

because of... this.

God damn it.

Let's get some cake.

I know. I know! He just told me.

It was like a whole thing.
He sat me down...

Ali, it's, uh, it's Pete.

Um, listen, I just found out
I'm doing a show,

Saturday at Town Hall.

John... That's right, Kid Gorgeous.

And me, Kid Regular.

Asked for me by name.

You know, we haven't talked in a while.

I miss you. I wanna hang out.

So, um, I hope you can make it.



I'm so excited for you, about Mulaney.

That's so awesome!

He never did anything
for me except bump me,

but I'm not bitter about it. Ha-ha.

I'm really sorry.
I can't make it to your show,

because, um, Ted and I broke up.

Ugh, he was just so perfect
in all of the wrong ways.

So, uh, yeah...

if you need me, I'll be on my couch,

watching The Great British Bake Off,

contemplating how I'm gonna die alone.

All right, have a good show.



♪ ♪

♪ Till my stone cold grave ♪
♪ I'll be pushin' on ♪

♪ She'll be pushin' on ♪

♪ Till my blood runs dry ♪
♪ I'll be riding high ♪

♪ She'll be riding high ♪

♪ When my soles wear through ♪
♪ I won't be feeling blue ♪

♪ I'll be pushin' on ♪

♪ Pushin' on ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

You did it.

You really did it.

You belong here.

You belong here.


(EXHALING): You got this.

Look at me.

You're special. You deserve this.

That's why he asked for you,
because you can do it.

- Hello?

- LEIF: Hey, Peter.
- PETER: Hi! Oh my God! Hi!

- LEIF: Are we intruding?
- Not at all.

- Congratulations!
- Welcome! Yes.

- LEIF: Hi!
- JESS: We're so proud of you!

Oh my God, I'm so glad you're here!

- These are for you.
- Thank you.

This goes great
with my dressing room mirror.

I'll put them... No vase.
They're lovely.

Remember, you're swimming right now.

Enjoy it, Peter.
Don't grab for the water, man.

Relax and just float. This is awesome.

That was strangely coherent.

- Yeah.
- Thanks.

That was... What's happening today?

I'm in a suit, I'm in a green room,

he's making sense. This is magic.

- Really exciting.
- Hey.

- I'm Justin. I work with John.
- Oh, hi.

When you get a chance,
John wants to say hi.

- Oh!
- Oh, fancy!

- Well, go say hi.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Enjoy. There's Jelly Bellys.

- Oh great!
- Ronald Reagan's favorite.

Open that up if you want.

- Okay.
- I'll be right back.

- Whoa. What do you want?
- Not Jelly Bellys.

I love these old theaters.


This is incredible. I love it.


Does it, um...
Does it ever get old or...?


Hey, John. I've got Pete here for you.


Good to see you.

You too.

Who are you?

Pete Holmes. I'm wearing a suit, maybe.

Remember, we met a Rafifi.

- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah. On 11th.

Out of sight.

I just, um...

I wanted to come back,
and I don't want to bother you.

I just want to say
it's wonderful to be opening

for somebody of your caliber,

and just a dream come true, and it's...

It's an honor, and Town Hall, I mean...

When you say, "Open for me..."

I just mean emcee, not open.
I'm just the supporting act.

Why are you saying this?
Why are you saying that?

Yeah, whatever term you want to use.

I'm the "special guest."
I'm your special guest tonight.

- And that's a thrill.
- JOHN: Uh...

- He's your opener, John.
- Yeah, opener.

- Who the f*ck's my opener?
- JUSTIN: This is the opener.

This is not what I asked for.

You asked for Pete Holmes.
This is Pete Holmes.

I could not have asked for Pete Holmes,

because I do not know
who Pete Holmes is.

I'm Pete Holmes. Remember we...

I know that now.

I wanted Holmes, the
comedian, from Chicago.

They got Holmes from Chicago,

from the Chicago Comedy Festival.

He was super funny,
we were on the same show,

then we went to Alinea
together, they closed

- the kitchen, we ate at chef's counter.
- I didn't go to Alinea with you.

I know, we didn't invite
you, but I told you...

The guy, Holmes...

- Ugh. Ben Holmes?
- Yes!

- Ben Holmes. Okay.
- Ben Holmes!

- Ben Holmes. You wanted Ben Holmes.
- Ben Holmes is opening tonight.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- He's opening tonight.

No, he's in Chicago.

Ben Holmes is not here,
and Pete Holmes is here?


Sounds like there's been
a little bit of confusion. Ugh.

It's most likely because
we have the same surname.

Oh, do you f*cking think,
Agatha Christie?

JUSTIN: I'm gonna fix this.
We're gonna fix this.

- This is totally fine... totally fine.
- JOHN: Okay.

All right, what does one...

(EXHALES) What does one do?

I'm sure you can call somebody
else. There's plenty of time.

We can form a list
and think of comedians,

- other comedians that could open.
- Okay, we'll make a list.

- A list of New York City comedians.
- Yes, okay.

A list of comedians in New York City.

- I've got a note open, yes.
- Do it in this order, okay?

Ron Funches. He's third, okay?

Jon Stewart... I know
that sounds like a reach,

but maybe if you pitch it as like,

"Oh, this would be so crazy
if you showed up," all right?

First, Birbiglia.
He's too big to open for me,

but he's a friend.
He might do it as a favor.

If he says he's not
in New York, he is lying.

♪ ♪

Jesus f*cking Christ.

Kevin, it's Pete.

There's a mix-up. They booked
the wrong f*cking guy.

I don't know where you are.
I'm at the theater.

You gotta f*cking call me.
It's f*cked up.

Pete, can I talk to you for a second?

(SIGHS) Shut the... shut the door.

Have a seat for a minute.

Uh, I'm really sorry.

Uh, no. This is a...

This is a big deal. This is Town Hall,

and I would want my show
to be perfect too.

It was... Yeah. It threw me. I...

(LAUGHS) ...acted like
a jerk, and, you know,

as you know and as you'll tell
people, I'm not a jerk.

I don't...
I'm not gonna talk about this.

It's not a bad... I don't even...

Oh, I'm not telling you
not to talk about it.

- I didn't say that.
- No, but I won't.

Yeah, it's like the story
could be that I'm an assh*le,

and, you know, that's not the story.

You know, it's Town Hall.

You can't sh**t to wound.

- You gotta sh**t to k*ll.

Oh, it's Birbiglia.


♪ ♪


Hey, Pete.

- Oh, hey, man.
- Hey.

We're gonna need you
to clear out of here.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course. I'm sorry.
- Yeah. Yeah.

JUSTIN: No, we're sorry.

I didn't touch most of this.

We'll get a new one.
Just, uh, follow me out here.

Should I go? I kind of feel
like I should get out of here.

No, stay, stay. Literally stay.

You're here, just watch
the show, you know?

Okay, is there a seat
in the house, or...?

Well, no. Um, but you can
watch from backstage.

You'll be a VIP, our very important
guest. John's very important guest.

Yeah, I'll watch from wherever, sure.

- JOHN: f*ck!
- I've got to take care of this.

- John, anything?
- Ron Funches is in Denver.

I called Gethard, and he said he would
try to be here by eight o'clock,

and it's almost eight o'clock, so
I don't think he's gonna be here.

- So Gethard will not be here?
- Gethard will not be here.

Okay. f*ck! I'm not mad at you.


How many minutes can you do?

- I could do 20.
- You'll do 10.

JUSTIN: So are we doing this?

JOHN: Yeah.

- Aah, f*ck, it's happening.

Take that, Justin.

The show is about to happen.

It's not not going to happen.

God, I hate doing stand-up.

I hate doing stand-up comedy so much.

I only wanted to be
a comedian my whole life,

and the thing I hate the most
is stand-up comedy.

Hey, are you clean?

Uh, yeah, I'm... I'm a clean...

No, you gotta be dirty.

That way my parents will hate you,

and when I walk out I seem clean.

I'm not a clean comic.
People think I am,

but I say "dick" and "ass" and "cocaine"

- and all this stuff.
- Okay, I'll be dirty.

- Yeah, be dirty.
- A little dirty.

Also, don't mention marriage.

Don't mention adolescence.

A lot of it is about adolescence.

Well, then you don't do that,
you do something else.

Or you just say, "Welcome,
I'm the venue owner,"

and then you walk off.

- All right.
- Look...

don't be bad.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Ben Holmes!






Um, sorry.

It's actually, it's Pete.

- Yeah.

My name is, um...

Pete Holmes.

- It's okay.

There was a... There was a mix-up.

I'm not Ben Holmes, I'm Pete Holmes.

- I mean, there was a whole thing.

It turns out John Mulaney,
who we're all here to see,

um, wanted Ben Holmes,

but they got in touch with my
manager and they got Pete Holmes,

and then I got here and John was...

(LAUGHING): He was not cool about it.

- I'm not...

I'm not saying he's a dick.
He's not a dick.

I'm saying we all have moments
where we slip into dick.

- And he...

He slipped into dick. I know!

What a nightmare for me,
because he was upset.

He had this important show.
I get it, I get it, I get it.

I get it. I really get it.

But he was calling other
comedians in front of me.

- Sorry I'm late, man.
- Is that Chris Gethard?

- Yeah, it's me.
- Where the f*ck were you?

I was having, you know,
dinner with my wife.

And that's, hopefully,
why you're dressed like that.

And they're calling like,
"Mike Birbiglia, we need you!"

- And I'm like...

But I don't understand.

My job is to just not be
as good as the headliner.

- Brother, if you're looking

for someone to be not as good
as John Mulaney,

- I'm your first call.

I am mediocre and forgettable
together, like two great tastes.


- Hey, Greer.
- Hey. Am I too late?

Uh, no, the show hasn't started yet.

Yes, you're too late.

I'm basically an open Mic-er
who does some road work,

and my manager was like, "John
Mulaney asked for you by name."

And I was like, "That checks out."


He doesn't even know me!

He doesn't know me. We met once,

and, you know, he was
kind of a dick then too.

He was dick then.

You are a dick.

I know, but people don't know that.

- Town Hall, thank you so much.

What a dream come true.
Thank you, Mulaney.

Are you guys ready for your headliner?


I am, too. This is obviously
the person we all came to see.

You know him, you love him.
Town Hall, give a big welcome

to John Mulaney!


- You're not bad.
- Really? I thought...

- I have to go do it. Thank you.
- Right.

Pete Holmes, ladies and gentlemen.


- Good show, dude.
- Thanks, man.

- I love your stuff.
- Thanks.

- Not bad, man. Not bad at all.
- Thank you, Greer.

Hello, I'm John Mulaney.

You may know me
from some of Pete's stories

- from five seconds ago.

JOHN: I got to admit, Pete Holmes
was kind of right about me.

I was a dick to him this evening,

and I do apologize.

I'm embarrassed that you have
seen the darker side of me.

But in terms of dark sides of male
comedians coming to light this year,

I think that's a pretty tame one.

- But...

I want to be a good, nice person.

I was raised Catholic, I was
raised to be kind to everyone.

You know, Catholicism is
all about kindness

until you go digging into it,
and then it's not at all.


There's a new Pope,
and people like him a lot.

Pope Francis, people think he's cool.

- Like, look at all of you.

You're clapping for him,

and he's against abortion
and all of your rights,

- but you like him.

The pope is popular, 'cause he
acts like a h*m* in college

who just took mushrooms
for the first time.

He'll be like,
"Maybe God is just an energy,

not some man with a son."

And everyone's like,
"Whoa, Catholicism's cool!"

- It's not!

This is a trick to lure
you Jews and atheists

into our weird Italian religion.


Here's how you'll know if the Pope
ever really shakes things up.

He'll die.

If the pope was ever like, "Hey, I just"

realized that we could
cure world hunger"

if we sold some
of these gold cathedrals."

The next day they'd be like,
"Oh, no! The Pope died!

Yeah, he had a heart att*ck.
He fell down the stairs."

"I'm sorry. He had a heart att*ck
or he fell down the stairs?"

"I know!"



- Hey! Oh my God!
- Amazing!

I'm so glad you saw that.

Oh my goodness, that looked
so cathartic for you.

Yes, it was. It was...
tense, f*cking crazy,

but out there, I mean, it was all...
it was worth it.

You took all that weird anger
you have inside yourself,

and then you totally transformed it,

and you gave it these folks
and you just made them laugh

and turned it into positivity, Peter!

JESS: Yeah, it was great.

PETE: Um, John, sorry. Would you mind?

These are my, uh, these are my guests.

- This is Jess.
- Hello.

- And this is Leif.
- Hi.

- And this is John Mulaney.
- I'm John Mulaney. Nice to meet you.

- Hi. John Mulaney.
- Uh, this is Greer Barnes.

- "Leif," you said?
- Yeah.

- Greer. Nice to meet you.
- How are you?

You were so funny. I couldn't breathe.

- Thank you.
- Y'all brothers and sisters?

Lot of people think that,
but no, we are lovers.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

She said she liked comedy,
so I wanted to see

if she wanted to come to the late show.

- Oh, there's another show?
- I think it's a euphemism.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay, we gotta go.

- You gotta go. Thank you.
- Okay.

I'm being pulled away now.

- You guys were great.
- Nice meeting you.

I really liked this.
This was really fun, thank you.

- I really liked it. Okay.
- JESS: Okay.

Bye, guys. Thank you for coming.
Hey, John.

Um, I just feel like I should apologize
for some of the things I said.

- I wanna make sure it was okay.
- Pete, you were funny.

You made the show better. Okay? Relax.

What are you doing right now?

- Nothing, I mean this is it.
- You want come to The Cellar with us?

- GREER: Come on.
- Yeah.

We gotta unwind after the show.

Yeah. I mean. Really? You don't mind?

I've already invited you! Say, "Yes."


♪ ♪

JOHN: What's up, man?

♪ ♪

- Pete Holmes.
- How are you?

- Lookin' good, brother.
- Thanks, dude.

Hold on, I can't sit back there
'cause I don't play here.

It's not gonna be a problem.
I'll talk to Estee.

Hey, Estee.

- Oh, hi!
- Hi!

- How are you, John?
- How are you?

It's so good to see you. Wonderful.

Wonderful to see you.

- What's happening?
- Uh, I did Town Hall tonight.

Oh, I heard. How was it?

It was amazing.

- Really?
- It was really, really cool.

When I was standing on stage,
I thought, it is all thanks to Estee.

Well, I'm glad I gave you first sh*t,

but your talent took you
to where you are.

I know I have talent. But, no,
really you gave me the opportunity.

Listen to the guy. Okay.

Speaking of, someone
opened for me tonight,

a guy I'd never seen before.

Uh, he was hilarious.
Do you know Pete Holmes?

This guy hovering, right here?

I'm sorry, I just...
We came in together.

I know I'm not supposed
to sit there, but...

Look, I didn't like him either
when I first met him,

and I was pretty rude to him.

And then he got on stage, and he k*lled.

And I feel like I owe him something.

And if you could give him
a spot, that would be amazing.

Honestly, I just...
We're just hanging out.

I didn't... I didn't ask him to do this.

I... I'm happy...

All right, he can go on next.
Only because you asked.

- Thank you, Estee.
- You're welcome.

- Thank you.
- JOHN: You're welcome.

I... thank both of you.

- I gotta work on my set.

- I'm performing!
- You gotta earn that.

- She said I'm going up!
- Sit over there!

The longer you sit here,
the worse it gets.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Come on.

- Go work on it alone.
- Take care of yourself.

- You have to do this alone.
- Honestly...

You know, honestly, be careful,
because she hates him.

I vouched for him once, and now she
won't let me vouch for anybody.

Oh my God, and most people trust you.

♪ ♪

- Mike YARD: I know, it's hilarious.

- Are you guys ready for some more?

This next brother coming to the
stage, you are gonna love him.

Very funny. Give it up for the
one and only Pete Holmes, y'all.

Clap it up for Pete Holmes, y'all!

Come on, show your love!


Show your love for that brother.

Keep it going for Mike Yard,
everybody. That's Mike Yard.


It's weird, uh, it's weird to be here.

"It's great to be here,"
is what I'm supposed to say,

but it's weird because
the last time I was here,

I broke up with my girlfriend.


- Wow, good for you.

You're not sociopaths.
That's very healthy.

I'll tell you, the main
difference between being single

and having a girlfriend,
for me, in the city,

- is missing the train.

When I'm single... Listen to me now.

When I'm single, I don't miss it.

I make it. Just a free man,

just one free man with agency
and free will, I make it.

I hear it through the grate,
and I assess its direction

like a herd of buffalo
that I'm stalking.

I'm right on the stairs. I tear
my shirt open a little bit

just to feel more like a man...
(ROARS)... and I make it.

- Two at a time on the stairs.

That's a leap. I'm leaping...
I'm leaping down the stairs.

I get my metro card out strong,
I'm swiping in down the stairs.

Before the doors close,
I have time to get my hat

that I dropped like Indiana Jones,

put it on, light a cigarette,
kiss a woman I don't know.

I make it!

But when I had a girlfriend,
I never made it. I never made it.

I'm already swiped through,
'cause I get my metro card out

on the stairs.

She gets to the thing...
To the turnstyle,

she's opening her bag
to retrieve another bag.


She's got a bag within a bag,
Russian-doll system of baggery.

She's got all these d*ad metro cards.

Why does she keep the d*ad metro cards?

- Are you scrapbooking?


Sit. Please.


the show downstairs was... good.

You can call in for spots.

- KEITH: Holy shit!
- Really?

- RACHEL: Pete!
- KEITH: Yeah, look at that.

Congrats, I suppose. But, Estee,
are you sure about this?

Come on, man.

- What the hell are you talking about?
- Come on, Dan.

The question is,
is Pete ready to be here?

- That's the question.
- KEITH: He's here!

Are you suggesting
I should get rid of somebody?

- You get rid of Dan.
- Yeah.

You can't get rid of me.
I've been here for 10 years.

- Yes, you can.
- I think at least he should reaudition.

- Give this up to Pete.
- Reaudition him.

I reaudition every night
when I'm k*lling down there.

- Thank you.
- Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- KEITH: No, you don't.

- You're welcome.
- Thank you.

- KEITH: No, you don't.

JOHN: What do you guys wanna do?
Wanna go eat?

- DAN: Yeah, why not.
- GREER: Yeah, I could eat.

Pete, you wanna come eat with us?

I'm sorry, I can't. I...

I gotta go. Thank you.

JOHN: You're welcome.

He's an odd duck.

I was just trying to be polite.

DAN: To be honest,
I think we're better off.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Every inch of sky's got a star ♪

♪ Every inch of skin's got a scar ♪

♪ I guess that you've ♪
♪ Got everything now ♪

♪ Every inch of space in your head ♪

♪ Is filled up with ♪
♪ The things that you read ♪

♪ I guess that you've ♪
♪ Got everything now ♪

♪ And every film that you've ever seen ♪

♪ Fills the spaces up in your dreams ♪

♪ That reminds me ♪

♪ Everything now, everything now ♪

♪ Every inch of road's got a sign ♪

♪ And every boy uses the same line ♪

♪ I pledge allegiance ♪
♪ To everything now ♪

♪ And every song that I've ever heard ♪

♪ Is playing at the same time ♪
♪ It's absurd ♪

♪ And it reminds me ♪
♪ We've everything now ♪

♪ We turn the speakers up ♪
♪ Till they break ♪

♪ 'Cause every time ♪
♪ You smile it's a fake! ♪

- ♪ Stop pretending, you've got ♪
- ♪ Everything now ♪

- ♪ I need it ♪
- ♪ Everything now! ♪

- ♪ I want it ♪
- ♪ Everything now! ♪

- ♪ I can't live without ♪
- ♪ Everything now! ♪

- ♪ I can't live without ♪
- ♪ Everything now! ♪

- ♪ Everything now! ♪
- ♪ Everything now! ♪
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