03x01 - Hell is What You Make It

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Stan Against Evil"...

Leon: Sheriff Miller?
It's your wife, sir. She's dead.

I'm Evelyn Barret. I'm the new
sheriff of Willard's Mill.

Every sheriff we've ever had has d*ed
an early, violent, horrible death.

Except Stan. [Clicks tongue]

What is that thing growing
in front of the station?

The black flowers bloom twice each year.

There's five of them. Should
we get a new map now?

When the first flowers bloom,
the portal will open,

and the Land of the Dead shall
corrupt the Land of the Living.

I got to figure out how to travel back

a year to save my wife's life.

And the only way
I'm going to be able to do that

is if I find this guy, Gerard DuQuette.

- Are you...?
- I am.

- I got to figure out how to...
- How to travel back

so that you can save
your dear wife's life.

Get on it, little man.

- I've got to...
- Destroy this flower

or a portal will open up,
and the Land Of The Dead will...

Both: Corrupt the Land Of the
Living for time without end.

[Roars]

[Screeches]

- [Screams]
- That's your game?

You become a giant and kick my ass?

Pretty good game. Not gonna lie to you.

- Ida, sweetheart.
- Claire!

Evie: Hey.

Oh, Stan.

Claire: Some things, you...
you just can't change.

But we'll have our time again.

You promise?

When the minister says,
"Till death do you part"...

Uh-huh... Don't you believe it.

♪

♪

Stan.

I'm...

I'm ready to go back now.

Okay?

About as okay as I get.

♪

[Brakes squeal]

[Wind whistling]

♪

Leon?

Leon!

Anybody!

Christ. What do you suppose happened?

The flower.

I never saw her destroy
the final flower.

The portal opened.

And the Land of the Dead shall corrupt

the Land of the Living
for time without end.

My God.

We gotta go back.

Oh!

[Fire crackling]

The cabin's gone. We can't go back.

- [Evil laugh]
- This is not good.

Oh, sh*t.

♪

♪

- Stan, we gotta do something.
- Do we?

Claire left the portal open,
and now the Land of the Dead

is inhabiting the Land of the Living.

- So, yeah.
- Okay.

So say it is Hell on Earth.

It don't look that different.

Ugh. Big change seems
to be fewer people,

but that just means less traffic

and a hell of a lot more parking.

Hey!

Everyone we know and love is gone!

Oh, I got a theory on that one's
gonna knock your socks off.

Give me two minutes, will ya?

What are... what?

I gotta hit the... I gotta hit the head.

- Can it wait?
- Can it wait? Those were the days.

- Okay.
- Oh, oh, here comes mischief.

- How you doin'?
- Look, Stan, I get it, okay?

- Do ya?
- You're in shock.

I'm not in shock.

You're in shock!
You're in shock! I'm in shock!

- All God's children's in shock.
- I'm not in shock.

God, and I told you
that going back in time

to save your wife was a bad idea!

I said... Claire d*ed of natural causes.

You are messing with nature!

But did you listen to me?
No! Why would you?

And let's be real up front about that.

It's because I'm a woman.

[Growling]

- [Screams]
- [Growls]

- Stan! Finish up!
- [Growls]

- Where are you?
- [Growls]

I've got a situation!

[Grunts]

[Groans]

♪

Aah!

Leon: Evie!

- Stan!
- Evie?

Evie!

Leon?!

Oh, my God, Leon. You survived.

I thought... I thought
everyone was dead because...

- Because what?
- Because we're all in Hell now.

Stan's dead wife left
the door to Hell open,

and now the Land of the
Dead has corrupted

the Land of the Living
for time without end.

Is that why you did that?

What...

No.

No, no, no, no.

Gee.

Evelyn Barret, you are under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

Okay, let's go.

I have the right to an attorney?

Whoa, wait. God, yeah.
You... uhh, right.

You have, the, uhh,
right to an attorney.

That's a lot to memorize.

_

[Laughter in distance]

[Buzzing]

♪

Okay. Evelyn Barret?

Okay, it says here that
you k*lled your best friend

by impaling him through
the chest with a board.

Hmm. Aside from that,
how are things going for you?

- Take a wild guess.
- Well, I am Dr. Edmonds,

and I am here to evaluate
whether or not you

are competent enough
to stand trial for m*rder.

No, it wasn't Stan that I k*lled.

- It was a demon.
- [Laughs]

- This is gonna be easy.
- Listen.

There's this guy, Gerard DuQuette, okay?

He's a black magician.

Not a black magician.

He's a... He's a magician
who practices black magic.

Oh, oh, I see. Yeah, that is different.

Who happens to be black.

But what was I gonna say?
The black black magician?

No, no, you couldn't say that.

Of course not.
Besides, it doesn't matter.

To me, anyway, you know?
Me, I just see a magician.

- Sure.
- So Stan wanted to go back in time.

I said it was a terrible idea,
but he never listens to me.

So, you picked up a board
and shoved it through his chest?

- No.
- Yes.

- I thought he was a demon.
- Boom.

Because the portal to Hell was open.

- [Sighs]
- Okay.

So, Evelyn, would you believe me

if I told you I believe you, hmm?

And I'm gonna do everything in my power

- to get you out of here.
- Really?

No.

And I really shouldn't joke like that.

But I know that you do
not belong in prison

for the rest of your life. No.

You belong here,
in a mental institution,

- for the rest of your life, huh?
- Thanks.

Yeah. There are no guards here, huh?

And only bars are the ones in your mind.

And on the doors and exterior fencing.

Guards! I'm done here.

All right, so, put 'er there.

Well, here. There you go. Okay. Hmm.

[Groans]

[Sighs]

Rise and shine.

Your soul is mine.

What is this?

Like Evie said, the portal didn't close.

Oh, bullshit, lady.

The only way that could have
happened is if Claire

screwed up, and Claire don't screw up.

What? You think that woman
left the door to Hell open?

Fat chance.

She don't even leave the door
to the refrigerator open

'cause she's afraid the milk'll go bad.

Of course, I just call it cottage cheese

and toss it in the back. But that's me.

I'm... I'm thrifty.

- Bet your hand?
- What?

If you have that much faith
your wife closed the portal,

let me cut your hand off.

If you're right about her,
nothing will happen.

What are you gonna do, stare it off?

[Axe slams]

Ooh. [Laughs]

Didn't even flinch.

I did pee-pee a little.

Anyone so devoted to another person.

You can never know Hell.

You're just in your Hell,
and Evie's in hers.

- [Growls]
- Aah!

Here's how you look to everyone here.

Oh.

Did you ever wonder why Evie k*lled you?

I just figured... women.

When you walk up to
someone and say hello,

they see this going, "Aah!"

You're not Sheriff Miller here.

There's no one to bow and scrape
when you tell them what to do.

You're in your hell.

How do I get out?

Turn away from everything
you believe in.

Tear down everything you are,

and you just might save yourself.

You could have just said Opposite Day.

We have Opposite Day.
I know what Opposite Day is.

I have my doubts!

Thaddeus Eccles burns
people at the stake

and then sends them to k*ll you.

souls.

You could free them all at once.

You could end this curse
in one fell swoop.

I want to end it in one fell swoop.

You could save yourself and your friend

- if you're ready.
- I'm ready.

I have my doubts. [Echoing]

Where would I put Evie Barret
if she k*lled somebody?

Not jail.

The nuthouse.
I'd ship her off to Danforth.

[Evil laughter]

Okay, Evelyn. We got five pills here.

One's a sedative, and this one
is an anti-psychotic.

Well, what are the other three?

Well, after you take the first two,

you really won't care.

[Weak laughs]

Hey, uhh, Doc, when can I get
out of these restraints?

[Laughs] That's funny. That's funny.

Humor is important. Uhh, look.

Not until we know
that you're not a danger

to yourself or to others.

I'm... I'm not.
I'm not a danger to anyone.

That was not Stan. It was a demon.

There are no such things
as demons, Evelyn.

- [Cellphone rings]
- Oh, excuse me.

[Man screaming, glass breaking]

[People screaming]

Hey, what's happening!

Uhh... [Laughs] Nothing.

Someone is, uhh,
someone's having a birthday.

- Man: Taylor! Go get 'em!
- [Glass breaking]

[Screaming]

He threw Terry!

Okay. [Laughs] Okay, let's...

let's just get you out
of these restraints

- so we can make a break for it.
- Oh, oh! You!

[Growling]

[Grunting]

[Glass breaking]

[Panting]

[Screams]

[Thud]

Oh, my God!

[Inhales]

[Growling]

Evie: This can't be happening.

I have to get out of this outfit.

I probably look like I'm crazy.

Once I get to Claire's library,

everything's gonna be fine.

Hello, little boy.

[Baby cries]

[Laughs weakly]

Hey, coffee, am I right? [Laughs]

Okay. This is gonna be a problem.

Umm...

♪

Man: Hey! You gotta pay for that!

♪

I... I... I never seen
anything like it, man.

You were right. It was a corpse.

And no idea where Evie went.

I wonder how she got outta here.

[Knocking]

Here. Take two of these.

- Oh, but I'm not...
- Just take the damn pills.

Mm, there goes my erection.

[Growling]

Gerard: Look at you.

Alone and unconnected.

You are b*at.

I'll tell you what there, Mardi Gras.

People aren't exactly
dying to talk to you

when you walk around looking
like Frankenstein's assh*le.

Maybe it's time you stopped talking.

Has it ever occurred
to you that every idea

you have is a bad one?

- That nothing you do works?
- Yes.

Yes, it has, okay?

I tried to save Claire. I failed.

I'm trying to save Evie, and... I can't.

Both times, you did it on your own.

And both times, you failed.

Why do you think I put you here?

Good can't defeat evil.

Not on its own.

You want to defeat evil?

You gotta find a bigger evil
and let a little in.

[Growling]

[Echoing] Later, tater.

[Growling, panting]

♪

[Sighs]

♪

[Door opens]

[Footsteps]

Hello?

[Footsteps]

♪

♪

[Breathing heavily]

Denise, I can explain.

You're supposed to be in prison!

For the record,
it was a mental institution,

thank you very much.

I'm not gonna let you k*ll me!

I'm not gonna hurt you!

Scout's honor.

You're not even a real scout!

That's stolen valor!
I'm calling the police!

- [Screams]
- Denise, wait.

[Footsteps]

Wait a minute.

This can't be real.

And if this isn't real, then that's

not really Denise, so her
feelings don't matter.

Back to work.

[Clattering]

Oh, no. Fake Denise, are you okay?

[Growling]

♪

[Growling]

How many times do I have to k*ll you?!

- Ugh!
- [Growling]

All right. Let's say
I cut your head off, huh?

What happens then?
I mean, you turn into Stan?

Or does Stan turn into you?

[Grunts]

[Growling]

♪

[Growls]

Are you in there?

Say something so I know it's you.

[Growls]

[Soft growling]

What?

[Panting]

Okay. I gotcha.

Wait!

I have an idea.

We'll go together. Right?

No use going alone.

Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

One, two, three!

[Growls]

[Coughs]

- Oh!
- [Laughs]

- It worked!
- It did.

I think it did.

How did you figure that out?

I didn't. I got it from you.

Me? No, you didn't. I got it from you.

No. I looked in your eyes, and we...

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

What do you know? It worked.

[Bird tweets]

[Insects chirping]

"If you want to defeat evil,

find a bigger evil."

"And let a little in."

♪

[Insects chirping]

♪

[Evil laughter]

[Evil laughter]

Gerard: Pudding.