03x06 - Vampire Creek

[bunniefuu]

Don't scream.

Okay, Zach.

I want to be with you.

I just...

I don't know.

Cheryl...

if you could just accept my love,

we can stay together
through all of eternity.

Okay, Zach.

I love you.

I want to be with you forever.

So, it's time?

It's time.

- "Vampire Creek" will return...
- Hey, uh,

what are you guys watching?

"The g*dd*mn assh*le Show"?

"Vampire Creek".

It's a show about sexy teen vampires.

- They live in a creek?
- No.

It's the name of the town.

Oh, no.

You want to see a sexy vampire,
you gotta...

you gotta watch those
Hammer Films with Ingrid Pitt.

It's a British chick with good teeth

and a couple of horn-honkin' milk jugs.

Oh, I got to tell ya.

- I found a can of peaches!
- What?

And now back to our programming.

Y-Y-You guys... You guys stay there.

I'll get it.

Zach's a shapeshifter.

He can put his butt in the front.

Can he turn his butt into a wolf?

No.

But his wiener becomes a tail.

Oh, Zach, you dirty dog.

- Yeah.
- Is, uh, Denise Miller home?

Hold your horses. Denise!

That won't be necessary. Here.

Thank you too many.

Uh...

It's, uh, probably one of those things

you ordered off the TV and forgot about.

Maybe it's a monkey. You know what?

I'll tell... I'll t-tell you what it is.

It's one of those necklaces that beeps

when you fall off the toilet.

Not for nothing,

but how in the hell
do you fall off a toilet?

It's shaped like a seat,
for the love of God.

If Elvis had one of those,
he'd still be alive.

Still be alive and big
as a house with a neck...

Aah!

"Congratulations, Denise Miller."

You've won the 'Vampire Creek'
Slash Fiction competition

with your story 'Chad The Impaler'!

We want to reward you
with this prop from the show"!

Slash fiction? Denise, wow.

It's when you write a story
about your favorite show,

like "Star Trek",
but Kirk and Spock are gay

or "Gilmore Girls", but
they're guys and they're gay,

or "Stranger Things",
but it's a movie set in the '90s

- and they're...
- Yeah, I get... I get it.

It's my second favorite hobby.

My first is...

We should open it!

I wonder what it is.

A mirror from Zach's house!

And you think they're slobs
when they're alive.

Kevin! Kevin!

I won!

My story, "Chad The Impaler",

won the Vampire Creek
Slash Fiction competition.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, uh, tonight?

I-I can't tonight.
Let's celebrate tomorrow night!

No, I want to celebrate tonight.

I'm sorry, Denise. I have a class.

A what?

Do you think all I want to do
with my life is dig graves?

I mean, I don't want to brag,

but I always thought
that if I applied myself,

that I could one day, you know...

What?

Dig swimming pools.

Okay, you can miss one class.

Why don't you tell an astronaut
to miss one class?

Or an assassin.

Or one of those guys
that helps pandas have sex.

They have a very low libido
'cause all they eat is bamboo.

Kevin.

What am I to you?

Am I the real deal,
or am I just some side piece?

- What's a side piece?
- I don't know,

but they say it a lot
on "Vampire Creek",

and I know it's not good.

But it also makes me think of chicken,

and now I'm hungry.

Later, hater!

Male sex symbol. Seven letters.

Jack.

Oh.

Klugman.

Rascal.

Dad, I am so upset with Kevin.

Prostate flare.

Got to go.

I just wish things were as romantic

as they are on "Vampire Creek".

Denise.

Or that cooking show, "One-Armed Chef."

Denise!

If I was dating a guy with one arm,

he wouldn't be digging all the time.

Hello!

- Yes, thank you.
- Oh. Huh?

Denise.

What?!

Whoa.

Denise!

You're finally here.

Is this Vampire Creek?

Yes, Denise.

I am in love with you.

Oh, but TV shows aren't real.

Anything is possible with love.

- Is this a dream?
- Don't speak.

Okay. I can't.

Everything you've ever wanted

is in this world.

- Cats dressed as Munchkins!
- Sure.

- Munchkins dressed as cats!
- Yeah, okay, fine.

- Giraffes with tap...
- Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise.

There is a reason I brought you here.

In the world of the Nosferatu,

there is one night

that towers above all other nights.

The junior prom of
Vampire Creek High School.

And I want you to go with me.

I want to go to vampire prom.

But to go,

you have to become one of us.

I am not becoming a boy to go to prom.

No.

I meant a vampire.

Just let me bite you,

and you can stay here with me forever.

If I become a vampire,
can I eat Pop-Tarts?

No.

Can I go home and visit my dad
and all my friends?

No!

But you won't want to,

to watch them age and die

as you live on through the eons.

- And no Pop-Tarts.
- No.

I know this is a difficult
decision to make,

but keep in mind,
we have a pretty good chance

of being voted cutest couple
in the yearbook.

Is there any way I could, like, have a

A trial period? Figure it out?

I can give you some time to decide,

but once you commit to me,

the only way you can leave this world

is through death!

- Oh.
- We cool?

- Yeah, totes.
- All right.

Remember, I am immortal,
but, uh, ticktock.

I knew it.

32 years old and she thinks
she can stay out all night.

Kids these days.

No wonder we can't win a w*r.

Aah! Aah.

Stan, it...

I-it's 5:00 in the morning.
What are you doing here?

Kev-o, you just started
seeing Denise this week, right?

Well, it comes down
to your definition...

Don't you think it's
a little early for sleepovers?

Certainly do.

- Let me talk to her.
- Oh, she's not here.

- Go get Denise.
- No, really, she's not here.

Y-You're welcome to come in and look.

Kev-o, you and I have been
amigos for quite a while.

So, be honest with me.

- Did you m*rder my daughter?
- No!

- You buried her alive?
- No!

- Ya drowned her?
- No.

- Where'd ya do it? Winnipesaukee?
- No.

- Squam?
- No.

- Kancamagus?
- No.

Guilty men would say "no."

Then I did do it!

No!

I don't know what your game is,

but I'm going to play along
because, Kev,

I'm global.

And no cryin'!

I'm not crying. You're crying!

Oh, this house looks
just like it does on TV.

Oh, it's so cool.

Wow.

- Aah!
- Hey!

So

You given any more thought
to what we talked about?

I know this isn't real,

and I-I know this is a dream.

I-I know everything, okay? It's just...

I don't know.

But it's so perfect.

You will get to live here forever,

and I really need to feed now anyways.

Ah! Aah! It's just a really
big commitment, Zach.

I-I'm just not ready!

I know, but...

Is there any other way I can help?

Stan! I'm here!

I came as soon as I could.

Where'd you last see her?

Right here in this room
in front of that mirror.

Oh, is that the mirror
she won the other night?

Yeah.

From that show where
all the guys shave their chests.

And what is that about?

You don't see Sean Connery
shave his chest.

That guy had a front
like a baboon's back.

Okay, it's because they're vampires

and they want to date teenage girls,

so even though
they're hundreds of years old,

they do...

Shave their... When
you say it out loud, I mean...

Ah.

I-It's a show about feelings.

- Yeah?
- Stan, it's Kevin.

I dig graves down at the cemetery.

- I know who you are, Kev-o.
- Right. Okay.

After you left,

I went and checked out
all of Denise's old haunts...

the abandoned car wash,

that big pile of wigs behind the church,

the false teeth museum,

the funeral home that's only
for circus people...

Evie.

That building with no windows

where they make old people sew,

the record shop
that became a video rental

that's now a phone store that's closing,

that bridge that
the goats are afraid of...

Evie.

Evie.

That homeless guy who has
a house he just won't go in.

Hello?

Hang on to your hat.
The phone store's clos...

Oh, hell, not again.

Lookin' good, Crazy Ray. Lookin' good.

Okay, you k*ll a hobo,
and I'll drink his blood.

Zach, why can't you do this again?

If I'm seen k*lling a hobo,

I'm gonna be linked
to all the other murders,

and I'll be kicked off the yearbook.

Please.

Okay, Denise, you can do this.

Denise! What are you doing?!

k*lling a hobo with a hammer!
What are you doing?!

Stopping you, for one.

It's okay. This isn't real.

It's a dream, and now you're in it!

Denise, this is not a dream.

This is some kind of tailored reality,

and we got to find a way
to get out of here.

Ah! Aah!

Aah!

Ah! Found a can of peaches!

I found a can of peaches!

Hello?

Leon, Denise and Evie are missing.

You better get over here.

On my way!

Buckets.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Rise, my child.

- Aah!
- Depeche Mode.

Aah!

Why did you bring Denise and me here?

You're not even supposed to be here.

This world was made for Denise.
She was chosen.

Why wasn't I chosen?

It's not about you.

Then why did you bite me?!

I wanted to bite Denise,
but it has to be her choice.

Ugh!

Ow!

How do I get outta here?

Oh, that's easy.

Denise just has to k*ll you.

Oh!

Peachy.

Ow! Cut my tongue.

So hungry.

Oh, a fridge full of blood.

Zach is back.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I scare you, my love?

Yes.

Okay, Zach, we don't always
have to be touching.

What? But how is everybody gonna
know that we're dating, baby?

There's no one here.

- Uh, I'm here.
- Not that anyone cares.

- Zach, I need a little space, okay?
- Oh.

- Do you want to go do that together?
- No!

Zach is confused.

I miss Kevin.

Oh.

Oh, so you have two boyfriends now?

Aah!

Must be nice to be you.

I'd k*ll for a ham.

Like I said, the last time
I saw either one of them

was... was right here on this spot

in front of that mirror.

Chew on that for a second, Leon.

And I'm gonna go get a beer.

Leon.

What?

What are you reading?

A magazine.

Oh, my gosh. That's so cool.

Can I see it?

Yes.

Bring it over.

I don't have my glasses on.

There you go.

Did you know that mirror can talk?

It keeps saying my name.

It's a shame Denise left

before she knew she had a magic mirror.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh.

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down.
You just turned.

I think I know what I'm doing, okay?

Whew!

Hachi Machi.

Ahh.

All right, Leon, listen carefully.

I'm going in that mirror.

I want you to hang on to...
to that end of the rope,

and don't let go.

You got it?

- I won't let you down.
- All right.

There you go, pal.

No!

Jackass.

Eh.

Stan?!

Evie, slow down.

Hey!

You're cute.

What's your name?

Uh-oh.

Bartholomew.

King of the Southern Realm.

Well, Bart...

your name rhymes with "fart".

Deal with it.

- Hello?
- Stan.

No, this is Leon.

Leon, what are you doing there?

You're not dating Stan, are you?

No! I'm talking to the magic
mirror that ate Denise.

Oh, good.

Because if you were dating Stan...

The magic mirror?!

What the hell is this?

Why is everybody dressed like a pirate?

Evie? What the hell happened to you?

Stan!

Oh, Stan.

I'm so happy to see you!

You know, earlier tonight,
I met a guy named Fart.

Woman, have you seen yourself?

Oh, no, I can't.

I don't have a reflection anymore.

But seriously, who would
name their baby Fart?

Oh!

Yeah!

Bye-bye, Stan.

Oh, my God.

Bats are just hang-gliding mice.

I better tell Fart.

All right, you hang on
to this end of the rope.

I'm going through the mirror.

- You good?
- Got it.

Let's do it!

Wait! You might want to...

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, poop.

Mm.

Ew!

Ohh.

I'm okay!

Nope.

Don't be mad at me!

Everyone?

Excuse me, if I can get
your attention, please.

It is time to announce prom royalty!

Our beautiful prom queen...

D-D-D-Denise!

What?

It's me.

Huh?

Time to decide, Denise.

Want to stay here?

- Denise, join us.
- Join us.

The floor is nice.

Denise!

Denise, it's me!

Kevin?

It's me... Kevin!

- Hi.
- I dig graves in the cemetery!

I-I hear you. I-I-I see your face.

Denise!

Denise, come home.

I was afraid.

Of what?

I-I was afraid

you'd get to know me

and think I was gross.

No!

- Well...
- Doesn't matter.

You can't stay here. This is a fantasy.

This whole thing is something
you want to be real,

and it's not.

Like... Like guardian angels
or... or the Hulk.

Ow! No!

Ohh!

Oh, that hurts!

Yeah.

It's like stepping on a nail,

but with your neck.

All right, Zach,

I will let you turn me into a vampire.

But please let my friends go.

The only way your friends can
leave is if you k*ll them.

k*ll them as in they'll be... dead?

That's the only way they can go back.

Okay.

Kevin, I really, really
liked what you had to say.

Thanks.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Evie, I'm really sorry,

but I'm gonna have to s*ab you
through the heart

with this table leg.

Oh, that's okay. Just don't move me.

Okay.

5, 6, 7, 8.

You ever found yourself
on the back of a Harley

at sunrise in Kennebunkport?

No, no.

Now, don't you go turning me
into a sparkling pile of lady dust.

Dad, I think I'm gonna enjoy
k*lling you most of all.

No, no.

No! Ohh!

Aah!

It's time, Denise.

This world was made for you.

I know. That's the problem.

Aah! Ohh, you can't k*ll Zach!

Obviously, you can.
I'm just being dramatic.

Still the queen, though, right?

Yeah!

Is everyone okay?

This never happened.

Is everybody understood on that?

Uh-huh.

So, my plan worked.

Bye, nerds.