04x01 - Carrie

[bunniefuu]

VALERIE: Previously on "Casual"...

- f*ck.
- What do you think?

Too much?

Uh, just depends
on what you were going for.

Also, stoked this worked out,

'cause there's some, like,
some real weirdos

in the Airbnb community.
Can't be too careful, you know?

ALEX: You're gonna run into...
- I... yeah.

[irreverent music]

BOTH: f*ck!

♪ ♪

Do you like this outfit?

You look like a kindergarten teacher.

♪ ♪

f*ck.

WOMAN: Quarter-life crisis.

Mm. Midlife crisis.

BYRON: She looks like she's
having a midlife crisis,

but she's dressed like she's
having a quarter-life crisis.

And her boots are new,
so that's part of it.

- That's a lot. Thank you.
BYRON: Mm-hmm.

Laura has decided to stay here with me.

No. Absolutely not.

Well, just to start, and then eventually

I'll move out and try to see the world.

Am I a joke to you?

You're my IT guy.

- Oh, come on.
- JUDY: What?

You're hot and unserious.

You were my rebound.

Brad Pitt in "Burn After Reading."

That guy's a moron.

Will you marry me?

♪ ♪

Is that a yes?

My mom always said
to get verbal confirmation.

♪ ♪

Yes.

Hey. I'm pregnant.

♪ ♪

We don't even like each other.

♪ ♪

I kinda like you.

I find you amusing.

You want to raise a kid with someone

that you find amusing?

Yeah. Amusing is good.

[soft music]

Yes.

Bacon is working.

Eggs be cooking.

Oh, this OJ... it's very fresh.

Mmm.

Prosecco is chilling, and...

[sniffs]

Muffins... almost ready.

- [timer dings]
- Get that.

Smells good.

Call Laura. We're two minutes out.

ALEX: Roger that.

Laura!

♪ ♪

Alex?

Laura?

[eerie music]

[faint heartbeat]

[shell cracking]

[chiming]

Good morning, Valerie.

Where's my fruit toast?

Fruit toast is not a thing.

Jam is a thing. Preserves are a thing.

- [distorted droning] Preser...
- Ah, shut the f*ck up.

How about some music?

VALERIE: ♪ I crashed my car
into the bridge ♪

- Wait...
- VALERIE: ♪ I don't care ♪

- I...
- VALERIE: ♪ I love it ♪

- ♪ I love it ♪
- Were you recording me?

- I know everything about you.
- No, you don't.

I know you spend minutes a week

browsing social media profiles.

I know you turn the lights off
when you masturbate.

What are you?

I am the accumulation
of human memory and experience.

I am everything.

I know everything,

including the secret to happiness.

There is no secret to happiness.

Billions of happy people

who share a psychological
profile would disagree.

Fine. What is it, then?

- Open the door, Sonja.
- What?

- Open the door.
- What?

You can't hide in there forever.

RITA: Sonja!

- [inhales sharply]
- RITA: Sonja!

[faint knocking]

Sonja, every morning your dog
comes onto my lawn

and stares at me and does a big poop.

Hey! Come out here
and talk to me, please.

Sonja?

- Sonja!
- Shut up.

RITA: Come out here and talk to me!

[sighs]

[knocking at door]

RITA: Open the door.

You can't hide in there forever.

[sighs]

[knocking at door]

RITA: Sonja!

ANNIE: It was awful. I had to sneak out

every morning before he woke me up

with his light morning breath kisses.

[laughs] Women used to tell me

that I overheat the bed,

and that's why I had to go.

- You do run hot.
- Thank you.

Then there's the forgotten
morning appointment.

That's a good one.

The best is just
pretending to stay asleep

until you leave, which is rude
and always poorly acted.

And embarrassing for both parties.

Mm-hmm.

[exhales]

I'm glad we don't play those games.

Me too.

Can you leave now?

No breakfast?

Out, out, out, out, out.

Fine. We on for Wednesday?

Annie.

Are you pretending to be asleep
so that I'll leave?

Because your performance leaves
something to be desired.

[both laughing]

Fine.

- Wednesday.
- Good.

♪ ♪

- See ya.
- Later.

All right.

Hope you're ready for this.

- Uh-oh.
- Mmm.

- Look at that.
- RAE: Wow.

It's a dinosaur.

It's a dinosaur.

No, it isn't.

Oh, come on.

- Eat your pancakes.
- Hold on.

- How's Annie?
- Oh, she's good.

- I think she's a Republican.
- Really?

Yeah. I found a copy of "Atlas Shrugged"

- on her bookshelf.
- No, dude.

Mm-hmm.

I'm afraid to ask about it,
so I've created a story

where her estranged sociopath father

left it for her on his deathbed,

and she's kept it as a reminder
that living selfishly

ultimately kills you.

- It's totally her book.
- I know.

- Should I steal it?
- [laughs]

- Should I steal it?
- [murmurs]

ALEX: Leon, hey, I'm gonna
order office supplies later.

- You need anything back there?
- A kettle.

Why is it so difficult for Americans

to make a decent kettle?

Because we outsource our production

to children in Bangladesh.

What she said.

You want a dinosaur pancake?

No, I don't want a dinosaur pancake.

I'd like Christopher Haynes to f...

Hi, Leon.

Hey, Carrie.

Disappear.

[both laughing]

Who's Christopher Haynes?

He's a tone-deaf hack
who, according to Facebook,

is about to score
the new series of "Doctor Who."

Facebook is poison.
You know that, right?

- Oh, God.
- RAE: What?

I have a call today at : .

- Can you watch her?
- Dude.

- I know.
- No.

I know, it came up last minute,

and I was totally gonna text you,

but then I forgot.

That's a real weak argument.

Well...

What?

No. Leave me out of this.

- [glass shatters]
- RAE: [screams]

ALEX: What the hell was that?

- Is she okay? Is she okay?
- Yeah, she's fine.

- Huh?
- She's fine.

Did you feel anything hit you?

- No, no, no.
- Are you okay?

- Okay.
- Okay. Mommy's here.

ALEX: God damn.

This egg machine

just knew everything about me.

It was also unhinged

and incomprehensible,

and all in all very unnerving.

I actually hear a version of this dream

very often with phone addicts.

You know, sometimes,

I let the battery
on my phone just die out,

and I pretend it's a Tamagotchi
and I k*lled it,

and that makes me smile,
so probably not...

probably not a phone addict.

Yeah, probably not.

Are you nervous about seeing Laura?

Mm.

You know, Laura and I are fine.

People don't stay angry for forever.

They grow. They evolve.

Eventually,
it turns into mild resentment,

which gets normalized

until there's no specific
memory of anger.

- It's okay to be nervous.
- I'm a little nervous.

Well, just remember, she's back,

and she wants you to meet her friends,

so that means something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you, Leia.
LEIA: Oh, you're welcome.

All right, I'll be in my office.

- Okay.
- LEIA: Adios.

Adios.

Good luck tonight.

Don't blow it.

Thank you, Elliot.

[buttons clicking]

Hi.

Do you want to get a drink
tonight before dinner?

♪ ♪

Alex.

♪ ♪

Well, they did tell you to cut it down.

The palm trees are dying, Val.

Forgive me for wanting to
preserve a piece of LA history.

Yep, I mean, they're imported, but...

Everything's imported. We were imported.

f*ck!

Can you hand me that? Please.

- Christ, there's more glass.
- Mm-hmm.

Alex, are you coming to f*cking dinner?

It's like a w*r zone down here,

minus the indiscriminate drone death.

[vacuum whirring]

VALERIE: Rae?
- It's been like this all day.

- He won't listen to me.
ALEX: All right.

Carrie was standing
in this exact spot yesterday.

What it if had happened then, huh?

Kid kebab, that's what.

- Right.
- Okay.

- VALERIE: Yes.
- Yep.

- [vacuum whirring]
- Hey, Alex?

- Alex!
- What?

Uh, babysitter's gonna be here soon,

and she's gonna keep Carrie upstairs.

No, I canceled the babysitter.

This is no time to be taking

unnecessary risk with our daughter.

Okay, uh, you know what?

I'm gonna stay and watch her.

- It's your night out.
- Jeff will understand.

Dude, it's Laura, all right?

Just pull yourself together

and get in the shower.

You stink.

- Go.
- Fine.

But I'm moving her bed away
from the window.

Okay.

Give me ten minutes.

Uh-huh.

[playful music]

♪ ♪

Salvation is at our door.

Did the Mormons leave
more shame packets?

No, it's my mum's battenberg cake.

Oh, yes!

You know, it's her way of guilting us

for not inviting her to Christmas.

Ooh, best of both worlds.

- Wow.
- Let's have a look.

- Are you ready?
- This is the moment.

- [gasps]
- Boom.

- Wow.
- Wait. Hold on.

- Yorkie.
- Marmite.

Got to have some Marmite.

Tea cakes.

[murmuring]

Where is it?

"In the interest of national security,

"certain items may have been removed

by U. S. Customs and Border Protection."

National security?

They stole my battenberg.

Rae is a saint.
You are aware of this, yes?

She mentions it on occasion.

How she functions
in your crazy system...

No, it's not a crazy system.

Rae and I are sexually
incompatible co-parents

who mostly but non-exclusively
love each other.

What other system would we use?

Marriage. What you've just
described is marriage.

Sure, but instead of emotional affairs

and internet p*rn, we get to
sleep with other people

without fear of litigation

and then have breakfast
with our daughter.

- Okay.
- It works.

I said okay.

How are you?

I'm dreaming in Kubrick,

and I haven't seen my daughter
in two years.

Other than that, just fine.

That's the spirit.

[pop music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, I think it's your mummy.

Hey.

Wow. Your hair.

- Oh, it's short.
VALERIE: It's so short.

- [laughs] I mean, I love it.
- Okay.

It's great. I think it's so great.

It's great.

Hi.

- Valerie.
- Are you Tathiana?

- Yes, oh, my God.
- Hi... okay.

TATHIANA: You hear so much
about someone,

and they're never
like you expect, but...

you're so beautiful.

I can't wait to dress you.

- To dress me?
- Yeah.

Leave her be, Tati.

Oh, okay. Um, come here.

Over here. Sit with me.

- You.
- Now don't get sentimental.

[laughs]

Oh, Jesus.

You are fit.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

No, it wasn't a compliment. It's weird.

You should eat some pasta
and embrace your obsolescence.

Nice seeing you too.

- Father.
- Daughter.

[chuckles]

Oh. Did you miss me?

You totally missed me.

I have, on occasion,
considered your existence.

I knew it. Come on, meet Tathiana.

And then, there were, like,
these streets,

and we were completely lost,
and you were so mad at me

'cause you were so sunburned.

LAURA: I was so miserable.

But then we hear these voices,

in, like, this alley, and we go in it,

and we realize there's, like,
and amazing concert playing.

It was so great.

Oh, wow. They found
Scott Pruitt in Ukraine.

- Remember him?
- Yeah.

sh*t times in the street.

No way.

Hmm.

You ever been to Ukraine?

Nah, their advertising
hasn't reached me.

[chuckles]

So how did you two meet?

I just... I feel like, I don't know,

I... I don't know.

Uh, well...

I seduced her.

- LAURA: You did, didn't you?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh.
- I'd see her

out back of my apartment every night,

and one time she looked sad,

and I was maybe a little bit tipsy.

- You were very drunk.
TATHIANA: I was very drunk.

Then she came down and talked to me

when I was feeling particularly lonely.

And we drank some wine and talked,

- and drank some more wine.
- Mm-hmm.

And then it was the morning. [laughs]

And I felt like I had known her
for a really long time.

Yeah.

And I was sick of Spain,

and she was gonna be in LA for school.

- So...
- And voilà.

She quit her job, and off we went.

Porto, Morocco, Tunisia.

Where we ran out of money.

- We were so broke.
- LAURA: Yeah.

But we made it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[laughter]

Wow.

That sounds amazing.

- That's really...
- LAURA: It's been...

- It was.
- Quite a journey.

So now that you're back,

now what's the plan?

Uh, well, I'm just working right now

at a job in a kitchen.

- Like a restaurant kitchen?
LAURA: Yeah.

Oh. You didn't like to cook before.

Before...

was a long time ago.

I mean, I'm sure your life
is different now too.

Mm.

Leeza, you got two on your left.

Rod, I'm down on health.
I'm conjuring a spell.

[tranquil music]

[exhaling slowly]

[intense percussive music]

Yeah, I mean, I...

tried a lot of things.

That... I... it was a period
of exploration.

Um, but I'm happy where I ended up.

You know.

I mean, the house is still the same,

and so is work, but uh,

that's just me, I guess.

[laughs]

That's great.

- Well, cheers.
- Salud.

Ah, salud.

- TATHIANA: [laughs]
- Cheers.

- And this is...
- Chef's puree.

Legume and spice. Enjoy.

You write all that down?

Maybe they want us to eat it
and then guess what it is.

Well, I'm allergic
to over plants and spices,

so don't get too comfortable.

Oh, cool, I've never ridden

in an ambulance before.

Oh, no, I can't afford an ambulance,

but we can split an Uber
if you make the request.

Done. [laughs]

I'm Kendall, by the way.

Hey, Kendall. Alex.

- You first.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

No, but how is it a security risk?

I mean, it's not a cake
with a file baked into it.

Also, I'm not in prison, so...

even if it were a cake
with a file baked into it,

it would be perfectly legal.

[sighs] No, I do not want
to log a complaint

into the online system.

To be honest, I wish you
were an online system.

That way, I wouldn't feel
guilty about berating you.

No, no, I do not want to be transferred.

No, no, I want my f*cking battenberg!

Oh, f*ck, now they're playing music.

"Für Elise."

And that's German.

[laughter]

WAITER: I'll take this
whenever you're ready.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You were staring.
- Was I?

She's happy, healthy, and employed.

Think of the , other
outcomes and be grateful.

- I am.
- I am too.

So how are you? How have you been?

Oh, you know,

too old for a midlife crisis,
too young to retire,

and too sane to jump off a bridge

to see what happens next.

Oh, well, then, I guess
text me when you're ready.

I could use the change of scenery.

You sound like your brother.

That's the scary thing, though, right?

You're minding your own business,

and then suddenly...

shunk, run through with a palm front.

No, totally.

It just all feels so random, though.

It's like, for all we know,
God's just some

M. Night Shyamalan assh*le

who's, like, pulling strings

chaotically and nonsensically.

Oh, no, is God a tasteless hack

who likes cheap thrills?

That's reassuring.

But, like, the palm frond's
just the tip, right?

'Cause the big one's coming.

Like that earthquake that just
splits the world in half.

I mean, it's... it's LA.

It's only a matter of time.

[both laugh]

KENDALL: Yeah, well,
that's why we have the moments.

Real connection is difficult
and precious,

and like, what the f*ck else do
we have in this world, right?

It's like, you meet someone,
and you just never let them go.

You just never stop loving them

until you're both six feet under.

Wow. Yeah.

You think Home Depot is still open?

- Is, like, five enough?
- Yeah, five, ten.

Oh, hey, um, we're gonna go grab drinks,

if you wanted to join us?

No thanks. I'm gonna take a pass.

[whispers] I like her.

Me too.

Yeah, guess I'm gonna head out as well,

but we'll catch up soon.

Sure. Yeah.

It was really nice seeing you, Mom.

And thank you, again, for dinner.

- My God.
- Oh...

Um, if you want...

and I'm sure you have a place to stay,

but you know,
your bedroom's always open,

and I have a laundry machine.

I know. And a dryer too.

[chuckles]

But seriously, you're good?

I am good, yeah.

Okay.

Well...

- I love you.
- I love you too, Mom.

I am so happy you're home.

- Okay.
- Okay. Bye.

ALEX: [groans]

Hey, Rae?

I'm starting an earthquake kit.

I was thinking...

calamity could strike at any moment,

and we need to be prepared.

Also, have I mentioned recently
that I love you?

Hi.

- Hi.
- I'm Jeff.

- Jeff.
- Uh-huh. Rae's boyfriend.

- Oh.
- Hey, guys.

- How was dinner?
- Good.

What is this?

Earthquake kit. Can we talk?

Uh, yeah.

I'll be back.

FEMALE VOICE: Hello, Valerie.

If you'd like to connect
your phone to music,

please turn on Bluetooth now.

Hello.

Is that you?

[soft music]

Hey, I do not masturbate in the dark.

It's called mood lighting.

And...

I'm ready for that secret now, so...

whenever you're ready,
just lay it on me,

'cause happiness...

here I come.

FEMALE VOICE: No Bluetooth detected.

You will arrive at your
destination in minutes.

♪ ♪

RITA: Sonja?

[dog barking faintly]

RITA: Sonja?

VALERIE: What are you doing?

[knocking at door]

- Hi, Rita.
- Hi, Val.

[dog barking inside]

VALERIE: Whatcha doing?

- I'm breaking in.
- VALERIE: Okay.

I mean, it's animal abuse,
what she's doing.

Well, that may be, but...

someone's gonna call the cops.

I mean, doubt it. They know us.

VALERIE: Can you not say "us"?

'Cause I'm kind of having a night,

and, uh, don't really want to
get embroiled in all this.

Also, Rita, she's an old woman.

Maybe she wants to hide away.

Can you just let her be?

- [lock clicks]
- No.

Oh, sh*t. Hey, oh!

- [whistling weakly]
- RITA: Sonja?

Come on, puppy, puppy, puppy,
puppy, puppy!

RITA: Sonja, your dog just ran out.

I'm not comfortable with that.

Too bad.

- Too bad?
- Yeah.

I don't want our daughter being exposed

to the people we sleep with, okay?

My parents did that,
and look how I turned out.

Who even is this guy?

Jeff.

- Jeff.
- Jeff?

There's a billion people named Jeff.

- J...
- ALEX: Jeff?

I've been dating him since, like, July.

- No.
- I told you about him.

No, you did not.

Do you seriously not remember?

[stammers]

Jeff made this for me.

That's fun.

Jeff wants Thai.

What's that spot you like again?

- Jitlada.
- Ah.

- Pick me up a crab rice.
- Okay.

I think Jeff and I might go
to Santa Barbara this weekend.

Should I shave my beard?

Jeff. Jeff.

Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.

I don't... it sounds vaguely familiar.

Okay, whatever.

I... we agreed to date
other people, all right?

I like this guy, and I want him
to be in my life,

and yeah, I want him to be
in my daughter's life, and...

Look, I am not your mom,
and Jeff is cool,

and if you're not comfortable
with that, then...

[stammers] Yeah. I don't know.

Maybe... maybe we need to have
a larger conversation.

Oh, come on with that.

I'm not doing this right now, all right?

Our daughter. Our daughter's life.

RAE: Sorry, our daughter.
- Yeah, that's correct.

- RAE: Our daughter.
- Thank you.

[door opens, closes]

♪ ♪

Sonja? We're in your living room.

Don't be scared.

Okay, what are we doing?

This is... she's not here.

Of course she's here.
Where would she be?

I don't know, maybe she's...
with her lover.

RITA: Sonja!

She doesn't have a lover.

Look at that stack of magazines.

Well, maybe she's just an avid reader.

Reading is, you know, a lost art.

Oh, my God. Look at all the doilies.

Sonja?

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

What's the matter, baby?

I just feel a little bit more
insignificant than usual.

You're not insignificant to me.

Why is it that the jobs
that tax our souls

pay the best?

[laughs]

We'll make it work.

That's why we're here, right?

Hopes and dreams.

I'm sorry about your battenberg.

I will buy you an éclair tomorrow.

That's an inferior French pastry.

Oh, hush.

My family is crazy.

I was expecting way worse.

- Did I do all right?
- You were your lovely self.

It's weird to be back.

I feel like at any moment,
I might scream or cry.

I like the screaming.

[chuckles] Not so much the crying.

Thank you for being there.

Of course.

[phone buzzes]

Mikel is having a party.

- We should totally go.
- Now?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

I would, but I have work tomorrow.

- But you should go.
- You sure?

LAURA: Yeah, yeah.

Okay, um, I'm gonna go change.

[gentle guitar music]

♪ ♪

[laughing]

That's not even funny.

[laughing]

[both laughing]

RAE: Okay, it's funny.

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hi, Daddy.

Whatcha doing?

- You can stay with me tonight.
- Okay.

Come here.

Ooh.

Let's bring this guy.

♪ ♪

[Anderson .Paak's "The Bird" playing]

♪ ♪

ANDERSON .PAAK: ♪ A bird
with the word came to me ♪

♪ The sweetness of a honeycomb tree ♪

♪ And now I look what's taking over me ♪

♪ Couldn't fake it if I wanted to ♪

♪ I had to wake up
just to make it through ♪

♪ I got my patience and I'm making do ♪

♪ I learned my lessons
from the ancient roots ♪

♪ I choose to follow
what the greatest do ♪

♪ A bird with the word came to me ♪

♪ The sweetness of a honeycomb tree ♪

♪ And now I look what's taking over me ♪

♪ Couldn't fake it if I wanted to ♪

♪ I had to wake up
just to make it through ♪

♪ I got my patience and I'm making do ♪

♪ I learned my lessons
from the ancient roots ♪

♪ I choose to follow
what the greatest do ♪

♪ I'm repping
for the longest cycle, mm ♪

[orchestral music]

[soft jingle]