03x04 - The Sprout

[bunniefuu]

VALERIE: Previously on "Casual"...

I want it off my body.

You pay for half,
and I will pay for half.

You get a summer job.
Might be good for you.

You might actually learn something.

Compensation-wise,
what are we looking at?

It's, uh, a signature.

- Dollars?
- Cents.

These are ballot props,
not credit card applications.

You're currently not working?

I mean, I'm dabbling
in the hospitality business.

In the past months,
your expenses are nearly double.

If I put you on a budget,

your savings can get you through
the end of the year, maybe.

Oh, Leon, you're a lifesaver.

The movers are gonna be here
between : and : ,

but who knows.

They also said I'd have a table
two weeks ago.

LEON: It's, uh, quite a tale.

- ALEX: Why is Leon on your floor?
- Because he made dinner.

ALEX: Cloth napkins
and a checkered blanket?

He made you an indoor picnic.

We were supposed to get ribs later.

I just wanted to come home,

sit at a table, open up my journal.

And I just wanted to map out

how I was gonna make my life
feel different.

I just want things to feel different.

[slow bass music]

So... what do you think?

It's a table.

That's it? It's just a table?

Uh, sturdy legs, flat surface.

Yeah, I'm getting a definite table vibe.

I birthed you out of my own body.

So I've heard.

I'm surprised you didn't go
mid-century modern.

What is that? An old age joke?

Only if you make it one.

Oh, fine.

You are giving me lots of fuel,

pages and pages of it.

Aw, someone's nervous for her first day.

Well, I'm cautiously optimistic.

What does one do in
a storytelling class, anyway?

We mine the experiences of our lives

to create a truthful
and engaging performance piece.

Sounds hokey.

Don't you have work?

[guitar music]

- Love you.
- Love you back.

- [laughter]
- BARB: No, no! [giggles]

KENNETH: Gonna get you.

- BARB: No, no, no, no, no!
- KENNETH: Here comes the tiger.

- BARB: [cackles]
- KENNETH: Rawr, rawr.

[whooping, grunting]

[line ringing]

[giggling from other room]

[door opens]

- BARB: Man, those moves were good.
- Hey, there.

- [both giggling]
- Oh, good morning.

Getting an early start, I see.

Yeah, well, you know what they say.

The early bird gets the worm,
doesn't he?

Never realized how grossly
sexual that saying could be.

Oh, hey, uh,
we wanted to ask your advice.

Should we do the Walk of Fame
or the La Brea Tar Pits first?

Well, I really... I wanted
to see the Hollywood sign.

Oh, yeah, that's fun.
Just check to see that it's up.

They take it down twice a week
to clean the letters.

- Really?
- Oh, I didn't realize that.

- ALEX: Mm-hmm.
- That seems like a lot.

Oh, I don't know, Ken.
I mean, it is a cultural icon.

Yeah, we're very proud of it.

- [toaster dings]
- Oh, sorry.

I'm a terrible host.
Can I pop a couple in for you guys?

BARB: No.

We bought those bagels.

BARB: Oh, but please, help yourself.

- Oh.
- BARB: Uh, there is enough

- for everyone.
- I'm sorry.

Yeah. Just maybe next time,
you could just ask.

Yeah, of course.
Um, just give me one second,

and I will be out of your way.

It's your tomato, isn't it?

- Yeah, it is.
- f*ck.

[chill bass music]

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Hi.

Do you like this outfit?

Do you want me to lie,
or be your friend?

Well, since when are the two
mutually exclusive?

You look like a kindergarten teacher.

f*ck.

But that could be a good thing.

Kindergarten teachers are the source

of some of our earliest happy memories.

- Mine was a pedophile.
- What?

Uh-huh, got off on a mistrial,

went to the Arizona-Mexico border,

became a vigilante immigrations officer.

He's m*rder*d people... multiple people.

I heard he got a medal.

- Do you wanna go shopping?
- Yeah.

Hello, hurried consumer,

care to sign the Green Power Initiative

and put alternative fuel
vehicles on the road?

No, you do not.

Good sir, care to tune out the world

as you float through life
unmoored, alone.

Pretty eloquent.

Oh, I save my best for the unaware.

- Do you want this petition to die?
- It's California.

Pretty sure there's
a thousand more on deck.

Well, they all deserve our time.

Okay, so you'd be happy
getting signatures

for the g*n lobby?

Or the human Q-tip who wants to
end Planned Parenthood?

No, the free exchange of ideas

supersedes my own legislative opinion.

I mean, we're the mouthpiece
of the people,

the primary pillar of democracy.

Oh, sure, mock me,

but it's your future that looks bleak.

Hey, good afternoon, guys, I'm Tracy.
How are you?

I'm working with the clean renewable...

I just wondered
if you had a minute to...

[slow guitar music]

♪ ♪

- What are you doing here?
- Going bowling.

Right. Sign this?

- Absolutely not.
- [groans]

Okay, so this is the cereal aisle,
and it's just like Postmates,

except if you want a box,
you just grab one.

- Hush, I'm multitasking.
- Job search?

- Tell me!
- It's all dumb.

Just dressed up entry-level stuff.

Where are you getting those lists?

- Headhunter.
- That sounds violent.

That's what work is,

a sublimation of our violent
desires to hunt and f*ck.

- $ for almond butter?
- Organic's $ . .

How are people supposed to
pay for this sh*t?

You could get rid of
your Wine of the Month club.

I know, it's a real "Sophie's Choice."

You joke, but I already did,
with all my clubs.

Now you'll never make the yearbook.

This is insane.
Do I even need almond butter?

Plenty of other butters
out there: sesame butter,

macadamia butter,

sh*t, even peanut butter.

Maybe I'm a peanut butter guy.

Could I be a peanut butter guy?

Jiff... that's a peanut butter.

Why aren't you paying attention to me?

Oh.

- Yes!
- [laughs] No.

I just... [groans]

- What?
- They feel like sausage casing.

I mean... which makes
looking for a mirror

that much more enjoyable.

So good.

- Hm.
- [gasps] Yes.

Do you have these in an ? Thank you.

What am I doing here?
I mean, this... it's Laura.

It's not me.

You know how there's body dysmorphia,

and people think they're way bigger

or smaller than they are?

Uh, yes, I am familiar
with that syndrome.

Well, it's like you have
personality dysmorphia,

and you think you're
way less cool than you are.

Thank you. That is really nice, I think.

And you only dress
one part of yourself...

this, like, mom slash therapist

slash responsible person part.

Well, what's the other part?

Pure fun.

- Hmm.
- No.

- Yeah.
- Oh, no.

- Sit down.
- I... ugh.

- Stop it.
- Okay, you know what?

There are...

[sighs]

There are two kinds of people
in the world.

- Did you know that?
- Nope.

There are cool boot people,

and then there are not cool boot people.

- I...
- [scoffs]

Fit firmly in the latter camp.

[phone ringing]

[groans]

No.

♪ ♪

You're getting those boots.

You follow Emmy on Instagram?

I follow everyone on Instagram.

- Also, it's rude to unfollow.
- Oh.

When's the last time you saw her?

Uh, seven months ago.

I should go.

TRACY: Hey, listen, thank you so much

for taking the time
to sign with us today.

I really appreciate it, sir.
Have a great afternoon.

[sighs]

[smooth bass music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

So if they clone you, does that
mean your spit has the same DNA?

Yeah, everything's the same.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, everything's the same.

- Everything?
- Every...

So I'm just gonna wear this out of here.

Yeah.

[line ringing]

Is that a patient?

If it is, I can finish up here
and just meet you back at the office.

Nope, it's just Leon again.

I don't wanna give him
the wrong impression.

- So what's the right impression?
- Well, I like him, just not...

I just don't like him that way.

He did this picnic
the other night, and, uh,

as soon as I saw it, I got nauseous.

Well, with everything that's going on,
are you sure that's about Leon?

Well, it wasn't the food.

Yeah, but I'm saying nausea
is, like, an extreme reaction

to someone who is attractive

and thoughtful and appreciates poetry.

- Leon likes poetry?
- Did he leave a voicemail?

Yeah.

Valerie, hello, it's, uh, Leon.

[sighs] I f*cking love that accent.

I mean, how can you even hear it?

I have tickets for "Rear Window" tonight

- at Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
- [gasps] Oh, my God,

I have tickets to that.
You should totally go.

What is wrong with me?
I mean, I... I should like him.

It's... it's Leon. He's great.

- Yes.
- And he has very soft hands,

like way softer than mine.

- It's weird.
- Oh.

I should be so lucky.

And the movie
doesn't even start till : .

I really think you'll like this.

Yeah, okay.

[upbeat pop music]

Um... "That sounds fun.

I have a class, but I will see you...

- Yeah!
- ...after."

Okay, so it's all about the low chairs,
so bring a low chair...

- And cheese and wine and snacks.
- Mm-hm.

It's another picnic.

So why are you here?

Uh, green energy.

Hm.

Nah, but really.

[laughs] What are you, like,

in a Beverly Hills white girl g*ng?

[giggles] Sign for me?

- Help me get it off?
- [sighs] Can't do it.

Not allowed.

f*ck.

- Is it weird?
- What?

Having a President who,
if he had his way,

would round you all up and send you back

to some country you probably
don't even remember?

- Well, I'm from Boyle Heights.
- [chuckles]

Echo Park.

Commerce.

You fucker. You totally set me up!

[all laugh]

Wait, okay, why can't you sign then?

- We already signed Skinny Ponytail's.
- Yeah. Yeah.

And we can't go twice.
That's just illegal.

- Awkward.
- Yeah.

- Alex, first let me...
- No, it's fine, I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Amy's pregnant.

What if it's mine? Or yours?

- It's not mine.
- No? You guys didn't?

Even during the four-way?

No, no.

Well, I did, many times.

- Good for you.
- And yeah,

we used protection, but, I don't know,

pills fail, condoms break. f*ck.

That sounds a little farfetched.

How do you... how do you know
how far along someone is?

Like, what's the barometer?

Use the ball scale.

Is it a cricket ball or a basketball?

It's... it's more like
a volleyball, slightly deflated.

So a large honeydew?

Honeydew's not a ball, Leon.

And she's very breasty.

Don't you think that if it were yours,

she would've told you?
She always was very honest.

[exhales sharply]

That is true.

Perhaps you should just assume the best

and let it go.

Okay.

[soft synth music]

_

"Howdy, stranger"? f*ck it.

♪ ♪

_

- [indistinct chatter]
- f*ck.

♪ ♪

- How was the Hollywood sign?
- Oh, it was awesome.

Put it back up for ya?

Ah, f*ck, Ken, I did it again.

- It's... it's totally fine.
- No, Ken, I'm sorry.

I went to the store
so this wouldn't happen,

and then I saw
a picture of my ex-girlfriend,

- and she's pregnant.
- Oh.

Yep, can you believe it?
Full-on honeydew.

And what do you text a pregnant ex?

- You don't. [chuckles]
- You think?

Uh, no good can come of it. Trust me.

Yeah.

What do you mean no good can come of it?

Yeah, no good can come of it.

- That's right. [chuckles]
- You just...

you seem awfully knowledgeable
about this subject, Ken.

- Oh, no.
- Guys, excuse me, I...

- Oh, no, no, you don't have to leave.
- No, I'm gonna...

- Okay, that's it, right?
- That's it, yeah.

- It's just a friend.
- Okay, what kind of a friend?

- It was Steve. He had...
- Steve was pregnant?

Can we... this is where
I just stop talking,

- 'cause you just keep talking.
- Oh... oh, okay, well, you know,

here I thought vacation was
kind of a different thing now,

but it's just like
you're bringing everything here.

Telling your own story

on your own terms sounds easy,

but I can't tell you
how many people get up on stage

and immediately lose their audience.

Where'd they go?

How you present yourself

informs your listeners'
impression of your story.

It colors every experience,

every inkling they may have

before you even say a word.

Presence, confidence,

even posture, guys.

These are integral components
to good storytelling.

We're gonna start with an exercise.

Uh-oh.

Some of you...

will be slightly uncomfortable.

You're each gonna stand up on stage

and listen to
our first impressions of you.

Okay, so...

m*therf*cker.

To the f*ring squad.

Who would like to go first?

I read a study that said

when people are getting in their cars,

and no one's waiting,
its takes them nine seconds

- to leave the parking spot.
- Hm.

You know how long it takes
when people are waiting?

seconds.

I will take us back to
the office when I'm ready.

You're enjoying this.

I am simply being thorough
after a hard day of work.

- [rock music playing]
- So how many did you get?

♪ ♪

Guess.

- Fewer than .
- Winner, winner.

Well, I know a place where you can get

a bunch of signatures, if you're game.

It's in the back of your r*pe van?

Mm-hmm, I got illegals
here with pens,

and they love ballot props.

Aw, I bet you say that to all the girls.

♪ ♪

♪ I was gonna be the bad guy anyway ♪

[Andy Shauf's "Lick Your Wounds" plays]

[phone trills]

[indistinct arguing]

[phone trills]

♪ ♪

_

_

_

__

_

__

_

_

_

_

_

He seems confident.

Yeah, a-athletic.

Like he cares about his body...

- Mm.
- And maybe the Earth,

or maybe not.

- Mm-hm.
- He's kinda tall.

He seems clean,

like he likes a good shower.

I do like a good shower. Yeah.

Anyone else?

Okay, thanks, Byron.

Thank you.

Valerie, are you ready?

[exhales softly]

What do we see?

She looks like a nice lady.

Like someone you'd ask
for directions from.

- Yeah.
- She has warm eyes.

- Hm.
- That's great.

I wanna dig a little deeper.

I want you to get beneath those layers,

and really give her something...

to examine.

Uh, she looks like a mom?

Who's trying not to look like a mom?

- Mm, I see that.
- No ring, so probably divorced.

I said warm eyes.

What I actually meant was tired eyes.

- I can see that.
- For sure.

She just looks like
she's trying so hard.

Quarter-life crisis. M-Midlife crisis.

Well, she looks like
she's having a midlife crisis,

but she's dressed like she's
having a quarter-life crisis.

And her boots are new,
so that's a part of it.

- That's a lot, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Great.

Thank you.

- Uh...
- No.

You were expecting
pit bulls and gangsters, right?

- No, I was not.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, my gosh, you have a bounce house?

Well, it is my nephew's birthday party,

so yes, I do have a bounce house.

Yo, Alonso!

My friend Laura needs your signatures.

- Oh, yeah? What for?
- To make up for the time

I was hanging with this guy
instead of working.

- [chuckles]
- Also, clean energy.

I like clean energy.

- Hold this one second?
- Yeah, what kinda clean energy?

Get to signing.
I'm gonna get some drinks.

[speaking Spanish]

Here you go.

Uh, so, uh, right,
uh, fuel efficient cars.

[sighs]

- Valerie, you forgot this.
- Anyone want to go to a Tavern?

Thank you.

You coming?

No, I got plans.

Hey, remember your first day of school,

when everyone was hanging out,

and how one kid sat alone in the corner,

and he ended up being the Unabomber?

Wow, you're an assh*le.

- After you.
- Thank you.

[doorbell rings]

[exhales softly]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Um...

- You hungry?
- Ravenous.

- All right, uh, come on in.
- Okay.

- I got it.
- [mumbles]

Ah, the anticipatory nacho plate.

Let them never say I was unprepared.

[laughs]

- [chuckles]
- What?

Nothing.

So your dad.

- What happened?
- Oh, um... [sighs]

Bottle of sleeping pills,

right over there on the couch, actually.

- [laughs]
- Oh, sh*t.

[chuckles]

f*ck, I'm sorry, Alex.

At least it was clean.

And the brother?

Wake up every morning and bury it again.

Hm, at least you're consistent.

Yeah.

You look like the sun touched
every part of you.

[chuckles]

[microwave beeps]

[smooth rock music]

Fun party.

The perks of having a big family.

Our last family gathering
was my grandfather's memorial.

I'm sorry.

Actually, it turns out
we're not even related,

so I don't know if it evens counts.

[speaking Spanish]

- No.
- Si.

[speaking Spanish]

♪ ♪

Uh... [laughs]

I got accepted into UCLA
from ELAC this fall.

Way to bury the lede.

I'm not trying to work at
a grocery store forever.

♪ Ya no quiero mas ♪

Someone's got her eye on you.

[woman singing in Spanish]

My mom? Yeah, just ignore her.

Well, that's the risk you take
when you bring a girl home

to meet the family on the first date,

which I don't know if I've mentioned,

pretty ballsy.

You got in some strange guy's van.

- Touché.
- Yeah.

Okay, hold my drink.

I gotta launch some eight-year-olds.

You come here! ¡Vámonos!

- Let's go!
- [giggles]

[groans]

[playful grunt]

♪ ♪

[lively electronic music]

_

- Oh, what an interesting first class.
- I know, right?

It was a little nerve-racking.
but we all made it through unscathed.

- Honestly, I think Joanna is a genius.
- _

I mean, that level
of honesty is so rare.

- It's refreshing.
- It's beautiful.

- Right?
- Yeah, I kinda feel like

she's trying to keep us on our heels

to deflect any potential
criticism of her teaching style.

Yeah, somehow I didn't think
storytelling was a contact sport.

Yeah, right?

I mean, yes, I am a divorced mom.
Wow, yeah.

And yeah, maybe I'm in a...
some weird half-crisis thing.

And my eyes are probably tired,
because I spent all day

figuring out other people's problems.

But you know what?
I already know that sh*t.

- [laughter]
- I do!

Just like you know that
you're kinda schlubby,

and people don't take you seriously,

because of the way you dress.
I love your outfit, by the way.

I do too.

I don't know why I said I didn't.

I think because I'm just jealous.

- I love your hair.
- Oh, thank you.

That's so nice.

- See? And you know what?
- That's really nice.

Even if you didn't,
sorry, but who cares?

It's your hair, it's your outfit,
it's your shape.

I mean, own it.

Own it, just like
I'm gonna own these boots,

which I did in fact buy today.

Oh, I knew it. I knew it!

I'm gonna get another one.
Anyone want one?

- You want one?
- Yeah, sure, why not?

- That's awesome.
- No, but seriously,

how did you know I got 'em today?

Check your sole.

Check my soul?

♪ ♪

See?

♪ ♪

They look good on you.

Very good.

♪ ♪

[moaning, grunting] Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus Christ. [laughs]

Oh, my God. That's a real muscle, right?

[grunts] Yeah.

[moaning, grunting]

I used to be happy
without responsibility...

the freedom to choose different
partners, different nights...

but I don't know,

after you and I ended, it just... it...

it wasn't the same.

I've been known to have that effect.

[chuckles] Yeah, I...

I still don't think
that there is just one person

for any of us,

but I didn't wanna

run the risk of missing out again,

and my body agreed.

I'm happy for you.

You opened my eyes.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- [laughs]

It feels like so long ago.

Not even a year.

You didn't have room for me back then.

But I don't know,
I think you've changed too.

[jazz music plays, woman sings]

♪ ♪

I think I'll have one more glass.

- You know what, pour me one.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

[lively music playing]

♪ ♪

[speaking Spanish]

♪ ♪

She said you took something?

♪ ♪

Why would you do that?

I don't know.

♪ ♪

The best part about school
was always the extracurriculars.

[laughs]

- Hey.
- Hm?

What do you really think of me?

Uh, yeah, I think we've done
enough of that.

Oh, come on, just...

look, I'm ready for it.
Just lay it on me.

Uh, you're a little entitled,

not uncommon for someone of your age.

Physique...

you maybe confuse having style

with having a sense of self,

and your hair is just, um...

- [sighs] Yeah.
- Oh.

But you're very pretty, and, uh,

- you're wonderful in bed.
- [phone trills]

And my car is here.

Oh, wait, you called a car?

I did.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- I'll see you at class.
- See ya.

[both laughing]

- You're a fraud.
- [laughs]

You're a huckster.
You've been doing yoga?

[laughs] I know. I know, I know.

Actually, in the spirit of
full disclosure, I did it too.

- Okay.
- Only for a week.

Oh, this town will just
turn ya upside down.

Yeah, it will. You want another glass?

No, no, one's my limit.

And, uh, it's getting late.

Yeah.

- One last question.
- sh**t.

Did you ever watch "Finding Dory"?

- No.
- Me neither.

We could watch it.

No.

We can't.

[jazz music plays, man sings]

♪ ♪

[exhales softly]

♪ ♪

It's not mine, is it?

- The sprout?
- [laughs]

No, it's not.

Good-bye, Alex.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

[Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic
Zeros' "Free Stuff" plays]

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Everybody stealing my ha, ha ♪

♪ Everybody taking my hey, hey ♪

♪ Everybody stealing my ho ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ho, ho ♪

♪ Everybody taking my hey, hey ♪

♪ Everybody stealing my ya, ya ♪

♪ Everybody taking my ho ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Shut the front door ♪

♪ And leave something ♪

♪ Never was mine ♪

♪ What it means ♪

♪ Not to free something ♪

- ♪ 'Tween you and I ♪
- _

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

- [sighs]
- ♪ Everybody's stealing my heart heart ♪

♪ Everybody taking my hey, hey ♪

♪ Everybody stealing my ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho ♪

♪ Everybody taking my hey, hey ♪

♪ Everybody sitting in my yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Everybody stealing my ho ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Shut the front door ♪

♪ It means nothing ♪

♪ Between you and I ♪

♪ ♪

♪ What it means ♪

♪ Not to free something ♪

♪ Never was mine ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Everybody stealing my yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Everybody taking my ha, ha ♪

♪ Everybody stealing my ho ♪

♪ ♪