01x17 - S-U-R-- SURPRISE

[bunniefuu]

♪

Hey, Jimmy. What's up?

Good.

Good.

If I... like... No. Okay.

Do you have trouble talking to
Kenneth when JJ's not around?

You'd think by now,
I'd have something to say

to the guy, but it's always awkward.

Never been a problem for me.

- Morning, Maya.
- Good morning, Kenneth.

How do you do that?

Hey, someone's birthday coming up?

It's Dylan's. I throw the best parties.

I have an uncanny ability to get
inside the mind-set of a child.

If only you could get out.

I've told you, Ray...

No walking into rooms
to deliver zingers.

Every year,
I throw her a surprise party.

Doesn't that stop being surprising?

Not the way I do it.

Dylan, we're not going for ice cream

until you've cleaned up
all your outside toys.

All: Surprise!

Just need to stop in the bathroom.

All: Surprise!

- What's the hold-up?! Move!
- [Horn honks]

All: Surprise!

And this is the big one... .

This blowout will be
the stuff of legend.

In nine months' time,
children will be born

with the name "Dylan's Party."

Hey, Mom, I was actually thinking
we could skip the party this year.

You know, we've had a nice run.
Just... I think I'm good.

Thanks.

Surprise.

Dylan, stop.

Why don't you want a surprise party?

Kids just aren't really doing
that kind of stuff anymore.

I thought I would just hang out with
my friends at the mall or something.

Maybe you and I can do
something separate?

Oh, okay. If... If that's what you want.

Great.

And another DiMeo family tradition

goes the way of "Nightly Bible Hour."

- [Door opens]
- Right... Dylan's birthday.

- I forgot.
- [Door closes]

"Get her a gift together?"

That's a great idea.

But if it's from both of us,

it needs to be really thoughtful...

not just the first thing
that pops up in our heads.

S-N... "Sneakers." Sure. Fine.

Enough torturing ourselves.
Let's go get Mom to drive us.

Hey, Mom, JJ and I need
to go to the sneaker store

to get Dylan's present.

Alone?

But you've never gone out
just the two of you bef...

What is happening today?

Actually, I meant...

My children don't need me anymore.

I believe it's time
to start phase of my life...

feeding pigeons braless in the park

while solving old m*rder cases.

[Sighs] Right. Well,
just tell me when you leave.

Ray, you be careful. You're
responsible for your brother.

I'll take care of him.

Come on.

Ugh!

I'm just gonna leave you two to it.

What two?

'Sup?

Fantastic. Thanks.

♪ Hold me close, don't ever... ♪

Mmm! Chicken Parm? My favorite.

And you opened the Goldschlager.

I like where this is going!

- ♪ Is all I ever ♪
- Wait a second.

Is this the "Big Eighties
Power Ballads" CD?

Mm-hmm.

No! We are not having another child!

Oh, no, no, no.
That's not what this is...

- Stud.
- Unh-unh!

I know all your moves...
drinks that taste like college,

baby-making music
sung by men with your hair.

Yeah... All right, you got me!

Dylan is broken!

We need to make another person
who will love me unconditionally.

I love you unconditionally.

- Then make me a baby!
- Maya!

Dylan is my buddy and she is my baby,

and she doesn't want me
hanging around her friends,

which is ridiculous,
because I am the cool mom.

I am the coolest mom in town.

That would be a sad pageant.

Look, Dylan is growing
and making decisions

because we did our job right.

If this is what she wants,
we got to respect that.

So, once again, the problem is

that we're too good at parenting.

Exactly.

- Okay, okay. Yeah.
- Yeah.

So, no baby.

Okay.

Okay.

You know what... I'm gonna
turn off the CD just to be safe.

[Video game beeping]

All right, all right! What?

S... "Store time."

Later. I want to finish this.

Dad said I'm in charge.

"We're going now."

Uh, I don't think we are,

unless you plan on going yourself.

[Scoffs] Telling me when to go.

Who's in charge?

Ray's in charge, B-word.

♪

Mm. Yeah. Hm.

[Cellphone chimes]

- Ugh!
- Aah! Man, I can't take it anymore.

This is so awkward.

I never have anything to say to you.

You feel that? I feel that, too.
Why didn't you say anything?

I want to, but then I look up,

and you're all there,
making me say nothing.

This is good. It's out there,
and we can fix it.

Yeah, okay.

There must be something
that we have in common.

Yeah!

You...

Uh... Well... well,
what do guys talk about?

Uh... babes.

Sure! Babes.

Let's talk about those.

- Yeah.
- Yeah!

So, Kenneth...

you, like, a butt guy, or...?

L-Let's talk about something else.

- Anything else, really.
- Yeah.

All right, JJ, let's go.

JJ?

JJ?

JJ, are you in here?

Where the heck did he go?

♪

Hi!

Are you sure that's all you want
for your birthday, darling...

just the two of us?

Yeah. I'll see my friends tomorrow.

Ohh. If you say so.

All: Surprise!

- Eh?
- I said I didn't want this.

I know, but I'd already ordered
the fake wall.

- Mom, I told you I d...
- I know... you wanted

to do something separate
with your friends.

But please, just give me a chance

to show you how much fun
I can make for you all.

Go on... look over there.
What do you see?

- My friends?
- No. Boring.

Move over, friends.

Look at that. Huh?

The cool kids.

I got the coolest girl
in your grade... Elle McAdams.

'Sup, Dyl?

Don't just stand there... Dyl.
Tell her "'sup."

Wha... Are you still here? Where's JJ?

Did he go without you?

- [Chuckles]
- [Laughs nervously]

There's a little bit of truth
in every joke,

but not that one.

Coming, JJ!

I see you in that safe place
where you are.

[Door closes]

Now, theme... I thought long and hard,

and obviously, there is one thing

that you care about
more than anything else.

- Winning.
- Winning.

So note the decor...
all your trophies and ribbons,

you photoshopped
into iconic images of victory,

including the monument to you
you've always wanted.

You made Mount Crushmore?

I did.

Darling, I got all these games
for you all to play.

[Whispering] I can totally rig
anything for you to win.

You mean you didn't already?

♪

Okay, who's got the laser?

Off my bus now!

Hey.

We're gonna find
a thing we have in common.

I made a list.

Eugh. Strike one.
I'm not really a big lists guy.

But I... I spent a half...

How about... music?

Uh... I love music.

Uh, do you like The Ramones?

You know the Ramones?

Know? I love The Ramones.

[Laughs] Yeah?

I live next door to them.

Man, they are fat!

Oh, the parents, the kids... blech!

I-I didn't know they played music.

Wh... What are we talking about?
What just happened?

[Sighs]

Huh. What's that? A... brisket?

You know it. Check out that marbling.

Oh, I was checking out that marbling

- and that beautiful fat cap.
- Fat cap.

You're a barbecue guy?

- You're a barbecue guy.
- Yeah!

- We're barbecue guys. We have a thing.
- We got a thing!

I'm gonna show you my setup.
We've got a thing.

♪ We got a thing! ♪

both: ♪ We got a thing! We got a thing! ♪

And chanting, too!

both: ♪ We got two things!
We got two things! ♪

[Up-tempo guitar music plays]

[Tires screech, horns blare]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Laughter]

[Cheering]

Oh, my goodness!

Now, I know we're all having a blast,

but what could make this party
even bloody better?

Hang on to your hormones, girls,

'cause this is about to become
your first boy/girl party!

[Dance music plays]

Whoa.

What is that walking? Don't do that.

I didn't tell them to do that.

Oh, no. Logan's here?

You better believe it,
and he is dressed to impress.

Go on... give us a twirl, Logan.

That felt bad. I won't do that again.

Hi. I'm loo...
I'm looking for my brother.

We were supposed to meet up
at this store.

What's he look like?

, brown hair...

They're all with brown hair.

Uh, he uses a wheelchair, he...

Really? And you didn't just say that?

- Should I have?
- Not at all.

I think it's really cool that
you don't define him that way.

I mean, why lead with "wheelchair"?
He's so much more than that.

You're probably the right guy to ask...

Is the correct term
"disabled" or "special needs"?

- Well, there are a lot of opinions...
- I've also heard "differently abled."

Okay, I really need to find him.

How long ago was he here?

I have not seen anyone in a wheelchair.

Then why are we having
this conversation?

You know, we have another store
over at the mall.

Hey. It's Kirk over at Maple Avenue.

Yeah, you seen a kid there,
brown hair, about ,

uses a wheelchair?

Actually, I don't define him that way.

[Sighs] I appreciate that
you share the sensitivity.

Have we met?

We should get the stores
together more often.

There she is.

- What?
- [Sighs] This...

[Scoffs]

...is a gas grill.

No. Not a charcoal snob.

Jimmy, you got to go charcoal
if you want real barbecue.

Dude, that flavor!

The flavor doesn't come from charcoal.

It comes from the drippings.

They hit the heat source,
and... poof... aroma!

- "Poof"?
- Poof!

Oh. Okay. You know what?

I don't want to overreact or anything,

but tell JJ it's been real!

Okay, you feel so strong?

You go get your grill.

We'll have ourselves
a little taste test.

- It is on!
- It's on!

Time of death... : .

I'm referring to our thing!

Yeah.

- [Dog barks]
- Hey, hey, hey! No, no!

It's your laser dot.

He loves them. They're delicious.

[Both laugh]

No dogs allowed, ma'am.

Ohh!

"This... is... my S-E-R...

service dog."

Oh. I'm sorry, sir. My mistake.

That was so kind of you.

Isn't that nice, sweetie? Yes!

[Dog barking]

Actually, you should probably go.

He really has no business being here.

[Barking continues]

Yes! I win!

Loser! Loser! Loser!

We're doing a jigsaw puzzle together.

There's no winners.

Spoken like a true loser.

Mom. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm helping Elle.

She's trying to decide whether
she and Logan have a future.

Last week, I asked him
if we were on a sinking ship,

and he had the choice,
would he save his family or me?

[Voice breaking]
And he said he wasn't sure.

He wasn't sure.

And after you gave him
the best two weeks of your life.

- Look, Mom...
- Oh, darling, I'm not embarrassing you.

- I promise.
- No...

- Elle thinks I'm cool. Don't you, Elle?
- You're cooler than either of my moms.

I'd tell them, but they're at Coachella.

Do you hear that, Dylan?

I'm cooler than Coachella lesbians.

[Panting]

[Cellphone rings]

- Oh, no!
- [Cellphone beeps]

Hi, Mom.

Hi, Ray. Just making sure
you two are all right.

Yep. I'm fine. So's JJ.

He can tell you himself.

"I'm... fine."

Okay, well, take good care of him.

[Cellphone beeps]

♪

JJ!

JJ! There you are! What are you doing?!

"Getting Dylan's shoes without you."

I can't believe you!

Stop smiling! This is serious.

I'm responsible for you.

"Who wants that?

I'm the big brother.

I should take care of you."

Okay. Heavy.

Not equipped for that at all.

[Sighs] We came here to get the shoes.

Now let's go get the shoes.

The store closes in, like...

Oh, no! Like, one minute!

And the elevators
are all the way down there.

All right, come on! Let's go!

"Just go." Really?

"I had my fun."

[Sizzling]

[Exhales deeply] Moment of truth.

Hm.

- Well?
- Mm!

I can't do this to my stomach.

Maybe you should just
stick to saying things

my son makes you say.

[Laughing] Oh! The gloves are off, huh?

I can see how your meat didn't turn out,

without Maya telling you what to do.

Ohh!

You're totally qualified

to give an opinion about a marriage

because you've had so many of them.

At least I know when something's done.

- Ha!
- Speaking of which...

- Mm.
- Hm?

Hm.

Fun fact... You're not actually
supposed to eat the charcoal.

Okay. So, I can see it's a stalemate.

Mm.

You know what'll settle this?

- Swords.
- No, man. Taste testers.

Okay, fine. [Chuckles]

But if that doesn't decide it,
we go swords.

[Indistinct shouting]

- Yes!
- [Cheering]

Yes! Oh, my gosh! Mom!
Mom, did you see that?

I b*at Bryce Thomas!

He does steroids!

Mom, did you...

Oh, get a room, you two!

Elle has a problem. She wanted me.

It's not my fault I have a big heart

and that today's teens sense
I'm tuned to their emotions and issues.

Yeah, well, not this teen.

I told you I didn't want a party.

Yeah, but it's great. You're having fun.

Yeah, until you spent
the whole time talking to Elle.

Elle is not bothered by me.
Are you, Elle?

[Sobbing] No!

Yeah, all right, all right,
all right. Thank you.

Believe it or not, your mom
is not some lame embarrassment.

You think I don't know that?

You're freaking amazing.
That's the problem.

I didn't want a party
because I didn't want

to have to share you with these dweebs.

That's why you're upset?

Darling, I had no idea.

"Dweebs"?

Can a dweeb do this?

[Sobbing]

Yeah. Elle wants to see other people.

You want to be with me?

Who wouldn't?

You're the coolest mom in town.

Well, darling, you're preaching
to the choir.

A great choir.

I do sing very well.

I had no idea you wanted me to yourself.

Good. I don't want you
worrying about what I want.

Then there's always
someone cutting me in line.

JJ... I get that.

And Ray... he's pretty hopeless,
but God bless you for trying.

And then Elle wants in

and that lady at the teddy-bear
factory when I was .

Okay... JJ and Ray,
I remember more clearly.

Well, I think it is
a perfectly lovely bear.

Are you not here with a child?

I get it, okay?

Everyone needs a piece of you.

It's my job to stay out of the way.

Why is it your job?

Someone's got to do it.

Not you.

Darling, I know you were easy.

I didn't know you were trying to be.

It's not a big deal, Mom.

I know you have other people

and their dumb stuff to deal with.

I take care of myself.

But that's why I wanted
to be alone today with you...

so my dumb stuff would come first.

Come with me.

Yes! Girl's size !

For my sister.

Shouldn't matter what you think,
but it does. I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

Uh, buying these and then selling them

for a nice profit online.

No, I'm getting those for my sister.

I'll take a look at your bid.

Hit me up at sneakerperv.biz.

That's such a bad name.

Hey, I had those first.

What are you gonna do about it?

Please... go to the Maple Avenue store!

Your brother's waiting for you!

[Sighs]

So, now that I'm ,

am I supposed to be too old for this?

No. 'Cause then I'd have to be.

Good. Because I'm having fun.

Me too.

Oh, excuse me.
You're out of green eyeballs.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I'm just distracted today.

My boyfriend's going off to college,

and I think this is the end of every...

Sweetheart, a little less lip,
a little more eyeballs.

Okay.

We'll just let him wink
till she gets back.

[Both laugh]

I had them, but that jerk took them.

"Take them back.

Sometimes you've got to be bold."

Yeah... with small guys.

"You have our shoes."

I paid for these.

We'll pay.

Or do we have a P-R... problem here?"

I don't think we have
a P-R problem here.

"Give him the shoes,
or I'll kick your ass."

What did you say?

He said it! He's the sayer!

"He won't hit a guy in a wheelchair."

Or his brother!

That last part was me.

That's the kind of stuff I say...

nice stuff, calm stuff.

I'm not hitting anyone, okay, kid?

[Dog whines]

I got my shoes. I'm leaving.

Hey!

"Have you met my dog?"

[Dog barking]

Maybe you should just... let him go.

Don't! [Laughs nervously]
I'll sell you the shoes.

Here. Take them.

[Barking continues]

[Barking stops]

Thank you.

Not sure what just happened,

but I'm happy to return the favor.

- Come on, sweetie.
- [Dog whines]

"Big day.

Your big brother taught you to be bold,

taught you to be kind to strangers."

Yeah, you did.

Mom and Dad aren't gonna believe this.

"Then big brother taught you
to shut the H-E"...

Yep. All right. Got it.

Sweet! Thanks, guys.

You've served me well, old friends.

The new ones didn't see that, right?

Taste test, anyone?

If you try Kenneth's, you can
try it twice... once going down

and then once a few seconds
later, coming back up.

Yeah, well,
I'm gonna take the high road.

His tastes like straight up doo-doo.

Wow. That's... That's a solid burn.

- Yeah. [Laughs]
- Oh, I was talking about his brisket.

Did you guys spend
the entire day barbecuing

and insulting each other?

Mm. Can you tell by his red eyes?

Oh! I cried once. It was the smoke!

You guys, you found your thing...

being awful to each other.

Trash-talking's what you have in common.

Oh.

That's... true.

It wasn't awkward or weird.
We talked the whole time.

Oh, my God. We sure did.

We filled each silence
with a stream of hateful barbs.

- [Chuckles] I could do that all day long.
- Yeah!

That shirt is stupid.
No wonder you're still single.

Uh-huh, yeah. Well,
I'd rather be single than...

Than what, Kenneth?

Then I'd better get going.