02x08 - B-I-- BIKINI U-N-- UNIVERSITY

[bunniefuu]

I've got homework.
Who called the family meeting?

I did. We have a problem.

Wait, there's no push-back

on me calling a family meeting?

Aww. I love you guys.

- [Indistinct chatter]
- Stop!

Down!

College-application time.

JJ's not taking it seriously.

Seniors were supposed
to hand in this essay a week ago.

Why haven't you done it?
It's really important.

"It is.

But there's so much good TV these days."

Living in the golden age
of content is no excuse, JJ.

Your father and I will support

whatever hopes you have for college,

but you got to take the lead.

Let's talk essay.

What is your passion?

P-O-O...

No, JJ, not buying it.

Pretending you have to poop
has gotten you out of enough jams.

You have passions.

Let's put our heads together.
We got this.

♪

I've got it!

What's your passion?

"Short essays." Done. Eh?

We all hate it when you try
and think outside the box.

Yeah.

Oh, I know! Giving back to society.

When has he ever?

Never. He'll start. Type.

- [Keyboard clacking]
- "...and make our world

a better place for us all."

Perfect. JJ?

♪

That is not what you just said to him.

I told him what he needed to hear.

[Sighs] Oh, you can't be mad, though,
can you? TV's too bloody good.

Mom, Dad?

I don't ask for much.

I don't drive a fancy car

or wear the latest fashions from Milan.

Can I have a pet snake?

- Don't be ridiculous!
- Not on your life.

I understand.

♪

[Snake hissing]

So, you're gonna be a secret snake.

Sssssss!

What is it, darling?

Danton College?

That's six hours away.

"But it's good for"...

E-N... "engineering.

It's my passion."

Really?

Buddy, you do know that an engineer

isn't the guy who drives
the train, right?

He also has to inspect
and maintain the train.

"I want to make things.

My life is a "... P-U... " puzzle.

I want to find solutions
and help people."

Well, that is beautiful.

I told you we were good parents!

Agree to disagree.

JJ, engineering is your passion?

You've never mentioned it.

"I didn't think it was"...

P-O... "possible until now."

Oh, they've got a tour this weekend.

"Can we go?

It would be a"... D-R... "dream."

[Sighs] Look at his face.

It's six hours away. It's not practical.

I think we have to have
a hard conversation.

Let me take this one?

Buddy, we believe in you,

but you going to a college
that far away...

Overruled!

How dare you limit our son?!

JJ, go and pack.

Did you know we were going to do that?

You know what, don't tell me.
Ruins the magic.

Gents. Parents are away for the weekend.

Throwing a little get-together.

You guys are invited.

"A night of fantasy gaming.

When the parents are away,

the kids shall... roleplay?"

Uh...

[Chuckles] Yeah, we'll see.

All right, seven yeses.

Ray, buddy, no one's gonna go to this.

Those kids want to go to parties.

Oh, no, this high school

doesn't actually have parties.

That stuff's just a myth
created by Hollywood elites.

[Sighs]

Oh, Ray...

This high school has parties?

Mm-hmm.

All right, new plan...
I'm throwing a real party.

And as the coolest guy I know,

I want you to handle the guest list.

Oh, invite your brother!

You for real? My brother's crazy.

I want him... and his friends.

And tell him to bring...

[Whispers] ...liquid refreshments.

[Scoffs] It's your party.

Also, remind me,
do parties at this school

usually have, like, themes?

What? No.

I was just kidding, Justin.

Comedy.

♪

Maya: Come on, Dylan!
Let's get on the road!

Coming! [Sighs]

Off to college, Dylan Junior.

I'll miss... you.

Snakes can escape?!

What were you doing back there?

I'm... restoring an antique piano.

Oh, okay.

Have a good weekend, guys. Ta-ta.

Wait. Ray's staying here?

Yeah, we weren't sure about leaving
a teenager alone for the weekend,

but, I mean, the guy just said, "Ta-ta."

Let's just hope this isn't
the big... ta-ta.

Finally! A little love around here.

[Bob Seger's "Old Time
Rock And Roll" playing]

Aah!

Ohh! Ohh, that's a nail!

[Grunts] That's a nail!

Ohh! Ohh! Mommy, come home!

[Knock on door]

[Music stops]

'Sup, Ray? Party's in here, boys.

What is this? Who are all these kids?

You said to invite
my brother and his friends.

I meant your cool older brother.

Why would he come to your party?

The dude's got a moustache.

Thanks, Justin. I owe you.

[Scoffs] I'm gonna
hold you to that, Karen.

[Laughs]

What the hell is happening?!

Babysitting ring, bro. I make mad coin.

And, uh, the moms
ain't that bad, either.

Have a fun party, Ray.

You're not even staying?

Oh, heads up. If Trevor
has peanuts, he'll die.

Don't let him trick you.
Dude loves peanuts.

♪

Sucks for Trevor.

Hey, can I have some peanuts?
My name's Chase.

This place is gorgeous.
Look at this quad.

Quad? At these prices,
it should be a quint!

- [Women scoff]
- Laughing at great jokes is un-PC now, huh?

Snowflakes.

What do you think of this place, JJ?

"It's perfect."

Should we go find that tour?

Dylan: "There's a"...

S-T... "student-only tour
I want to take."

So independent.
All right, go forth, son.

Come back with dreadlocks

and tell me how everything
I know is incorrect.

We are gonna break his heart.

Set aside the fact that
this place is six hours away,

we're never gonna be able
to afford this tuition.

Oh, come on. Of course...

[Gasps] Good God!

That's just for JJ?

Why do we have so many children?

Uh, look, you know what,

we'll go by the financial-aid
office and have a talk.

You just couldn't keep your
bloody hands off me, could you?

[Chuckles]

JJ, where are you going?

You said the tour
was meeting back there.

"We're not here for the tour."

♪

Are they filming a movie?

JJ?

JJ DiMeo's here!

Wait! JJ, you're in this?

We didn't come here
so you could tour the college,

we came here so you could
be in some movie?

This isn't "some movie."

This is "Bikini University :
Horny Homecoming."

♪

"I'm sorry, I'm gross."

No, it's what you should have said.

JJ!

I'm Frank Dante, the director.

So glad you answered our ad.

Dylan: "It's an honor.

I loved 'Bikini University :

- The Dean's"...
- Ahh!

R-E... "Revenge.'"

Kid, you don't know
how happy that makes me.

People say that today's teens

don't want raunchy comedies
like "Bikini U."

"I do. Gimme. Gimme. Gimme."

"Gimme."

I like this kid!

JJ! Mom and Dad are gonna k*ll you

when I tell them why we're really here.

"If you do, I'll tell them
about your S..."

You know about my snake?!

How? We've been so careful
when I haven't lost him.

Hi! We're gonna be working together!

I'm Ally, but my character's
name is Bikini Boobs.

- [Laughs]
- "I'm JJ.

My character is Bikini Boobs...

In Face... Wheelchair Boy."

[Sighs] You suck. Like, a lot.

We have many financial-aid
packages available.

Take a look.

[Clicks tongue] Pauline, do you know,

I've never said this to a woman before.

But I want to make you
fall in love with me,

give myself to you... once...
then break your heart.

And when you ask me why,

I'm gonna say, "'Cause of that chart."

That was fun. Uh, wait,
this looks interesting.

Uh, % off tuition?

Uh, that's for kids of Danton employees.

Oh, we can do that.

I'll move up here and I'll get a job.

But what would you do?

Clerical work, be an assistant.

You know, I'll start at the bottom.

[Snickers]

Why are you laughing?

You, starting at the bottom.

Answering to someone, taking orders...

You know what?
Actually, could you get me that pen?

- Get it yourself.
- Yeah, that was a test.

- You want to know how you did?
- [Sighs] So I'm a natural alpha.

Sue me.

Look, if I've got to slum it
to help my son,

then that's what I'll do.

Don't believe me? Look, I'll show you.

- Your pen.
- That's actually my pen.

Lady, I've had it up to here with you!

[Children yelling]

Oh, it's so loud.

Just be quiet!

- [Yelling stops]
- [Ball bouncing]

Ugh. Don't do that. Now it's just eerie.

[Door closes]

- [Children laughing]
- Ray!

You got me out of a hot tub
with a Shakira look-alike

to show me you started a daycare center?

I tried to throw a party with
the coolest kids from school,

and this is who showed up.

I'm a total loser.

Hey, Ray, come on.

This could be a good thing.

You want to be cool?

Start with an easy crowd first.

Kevin Hart did open mics

before he could fill stadiums.

Baseball players start in the minors

before they hit the big leagues.

Or rock stars.
There's a lot of examples.

I guess it's a very basic concept.

How do I even impress -year-olds?

[Chuckles] Well, it's easy.

Hey, yo! Listen up!

This guy right here...

[Laughs]

...he just said the "A" word.

[Admiring exclamations]

Yeah, no, I'm not above this.

Okay, so, Dean Dinkins does his line...

"Shut this party down
before you ruin everything!

I'm trying to sell this college,

and I won't have you blow it!"

Then I say to JJ,
"Your nose looks cold."

And then I stick my chest
in your face...

Then the dean talks.

"Shouldn't we rehearse that part?"

Oh, no. That part's easy.

JJ, why is your nose even cold?

Oh, because the frat guys
locked him in a freezer.

But then I come and warm him up.

[Giggles]

"What might that look like?"

Ugh, I'm really struggling
with my character.

Hopefully, I'll just be amazing

when we sh**t it, for some reason.

"One"... S-U... "suggestion.

Say your line as you're walking out."

♪

I like it. Do you direct?

"No, I just watch lots of movies."

Thanks, Boobs in Face Wheelchair Boy.

[Sighs]

[Knock on door]

Hello. I have the groceries you ordered.

You're the person the app sent?

I know I don't look the part,

but I'm using this app

to prove I can take orders
and hold a job

so my son can attend
the school of his dreams.

No, I was just confused.

It says here you're a man named Mayo.

A thousand apologies, oh, great Dave G.

[Sighs] This was the best grapefruit?

Well, you asked for
the "dankest grapefruit,"

which seemed subjective.

And I asked for Advil.

Oh, I got you the generic brand.

It's the same thing.
I saved you bucks.

You should've gotten me Advil.
This stuff sucks.

It's literally the same thing.

Are you arguing with me?

No! I'm being correct near an idiot.

♪

[Upbeat funk music playing]

Hey, Ray, we wanted
to play some Minecraft.

What are your rules on screen time?

It's a party, man.

Unlimited... within reason.

- Yes!
- Yes!

Dude, I saw this kit in the store.

The box says and older.

Wish I'd known that when I built it.

When I was .

Whoa.

Juice box me.

It's all good.

I know what "doing it" is.

He gave you one star,
and the comment is,

"Why can't I give zero stars?"

Oh, for God's sake!

I had no idea how hard it was

to let people walk all over you.

What can I say, some of us just have

a flair for being emasculated.

Look, this place is crazy expensive.

I-I don't think it's meant to be.

- We'll talk to JJ, and it'll be okay.
- Okay.

This grapefruit is not dank!

Well, feed it to your three
"Scarface" posters, jackass!

You would not believe

how often people come up to me and say,

"Frank, I love the 'Bikini
University' movies,

and I'm a woman."

♪

[Cellphone chimes]

Uh-oh. Mom and Dad.

"Where's JJ? We need to talk."

It's almost time for your big scene, JJ.

Wait. What's wrong?

♪

"Want to do some real acting?"

♪

Hey.

We thought you guys were on the tour.

We're sorry, but it's not
a realistic option.

Can we start heading back
and talk about it in the car?

JJ, there you are! I brought someone.

Dean Dinkins, this is JJ DiMeo.

JJ, I hear you're looking to
join our engineering department.

Son, you seem like Danton material

through and through.

You're the dean? You're very young.

And... hot.

[Chuckles] I get that a lot.

Working with quality
young people like JJ here

is my own fountain of youth.

Yeah, JJ is awesome.

Well, he made a friend.

And she's hot.
She's like Dean Dinkins hot.

JJ, let's get back.

That math equation
isn't gonna solve itself.

- May I borrow him?
- For math.

♪

Well, we can't quit,
'cause it's his dream, isn't it?

Go on, open that app again.

- [Upbeat pop music playing]
- Ah, look at you.

Feeling confident, huh?

My man, I own this crowd.

I've got them wrapped around my finger.

And once they see my magic act...

Oh, no. No, no, no. Too confident.

- Too confident!
- Too confident my "A."

Kids, pop a squat.

I can't watch this.

I'm calling weird-eye Shakira

to tell her to fire the tub back up.

♪

[Dramatic rock music playing]

We perceive our world
through our five senses.

Or do we?

[Children gasping]

Oh, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

- [Snake hissing]
- Now I will remove my thumb.

[Admiring exclamations]

I know, right?

Awesome!

[Hissing continues]

- [High-pitched scream]
- [Laughter]

Uh, grab some of that
equipment and follow me.

Oh, with pleasure. Is there
anything else I can do for you?

Don't hold back. Treat me like garbage.

- I am your peon.
- No, just that.

So this is for a movie?
What are you filming?

Okay, everyone, come in quick.

We'll hide from the snake in here.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

♪

No one else is afraid of the snake?

[Children chanting]: Babies!

I've got bad news for you, Austin.

Those babies are us.

Frank, we are way behind.
We gotta do this.

Fine, but I need a rehearsal.
Where's Bikini Boobs?

Still in makeup.

Well, just get me a stand-in. Anybody!

Hey, you, app lady. Come with me.

Stand right here.

Face this way.

I mean, for five stars, I really
would stand in a volcano.

Where's our horny wheelchair kid?

[Wheels screech]

♪

That's my horny wheelchair kid.

JJ, I've lost sight of Dad and... Mom.

I'm just gonna come clean.
I have a snake.

So that's why we're here?
We drove six hours,

we agonized over how to pay for it.

I was gonna get a job up here,
and for what?

So you could roll around a movie set

and nuzzle some girl's chest puppies?

You made your mother
say "chest puppies."

"In the movie's defense,

they cast an actual
wheelchair user for the part."

Yeah, that is actually laudable.
Credit where credit's due.

- Sure.
- Doesn't change anything.

You lied!

You lied.

We were so happy that
you'd found a passion.

"You're"...D-R... "dreaming

if you think I could go"...

S-O... "someplace like this."

I'm not buying your excuses anymore.

We take you seriously.
It's time you did, too.

Congratulations, JJ.

You've been accepted
to college... with honors.

Dean Dinkins, I'm gonna
make you fall in love with me,

- then I'm gon...
- Okay, you... Just go.

Time to say goodbye to your friends.

"I'm sorry. I have to leave."

Eh, scene's a wreck, anyway.

There's no good way to sh**t the party.

Bye, kid.

♪

Jimmy: "Dad"...

U-N... "unscrew my board."

Together: Ray and Austin are chickens!

Ray and Austin are chickens!

Ray: Oh, I'm a chicken?

- [Children chanting "Chicken!"]
- So I provide %

of the protein America consumes?

Real good insult.

Hey! All right. All right. All right.

We've had our fun.
Help me find that snake.

Let's go.

My dad would've found it already.

He kills snakes all the time.

My dad invented Pokémon.

Oh, really? Your dad is Satoshi Tajiri?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[Snake hissing]

♪

Ray?

♪

Dear God!

What kind of snake highway's up there?!

- [Thud]
- [Both scream]

[Hissing continues]

Okay, you got this, Ray.

You g... You got this.

All right.

♪

Yes!

Oh, no venom glands. It's harmless.

I'm gonna go show everyone I caught it.

And I'm never gonna show my face again.

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

You ready?

And action!

♪ She's a straight-talking,
street-walking, top-shelf ♪

♪ Leather-lining limousine ♪

[Crowd cheering]

♪ She's a car-stopping,
ball-dropping firework ♪

♪ A single-handed party scene ♪

♪ Don't stop, don't drop for anyone ♪

♪ Won't shake, won't break,
she's having fun ♪

Oh, your nose looks cold!

And cut!

We got it!

[Cheers and applause]

Awesome. [Laughs]

Gosh! Look at that smile.

Never seen you so happy.

"I've never been so happy."

Hmm. And how much of that would
you say is breast-related?

"Five"...P-E... "percent."

"Per breast." Well...

That's a lot left for movies.

Am I detecting a passion?

♪

"I'm"...S-O... "sorry I lied.

But thank you."

Oh, it's all right.
It's exciting, isn't it?

Now, do I have to have seen
"Bikini University" and

in order to understand your role
in "Bikini University "?

Come on out, snake.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Gasps]

No way!

[Children gasp]

Austin found the snake!

Yeah, it tried eating us both,
but Austin wasn't scared.

Right, Austin?

Yeah. I made this snake my "B."

All: Whoa!

Ray pooped his pants.

[Laughter]

Really, man? You had the win.

[Scattered "goodbye" s]

Justin Chang's older brother!

Dustin: Heard what you did.

Catching a snake

but letting Austin Chang take credit?

That's huge.

Come on, little bro.

Dustin Chang rates you...

one to watch.

♪

Dude, you had a pretty good day. [Laughs]

But not as good as Dustin Chang's.

Dude is straight making out
with one of the moms.

♪

[Sighs] It's all happening so fast.

It was just yesterday
I was bringing my baby home.

Now my baby's going to college?
Babies can't go to college.

It'll be such a big change for him.

It's exciting.

Look at him back there.

Our little director.

Dreaming of cameras and sh*ts.

Yeah, that's what
he's burying his face in...

a giant pair of cameras.

- Hey, Dylan, your friend's here.
- It's time to get that hideous thing

out of this house, once and for all.

Please? He only escaped
because he was hungry.

Now I know snakes need food.

- Say goodbye, Dylan.
- [Sternly] Now.

[Sighs]

You were a good snake.
But it's for the best.

Most of the fun was you
being a secret, anyway.

Goodbye.

♪

Hmm. Fair trade. Deal.

See the one that just left?

That's what happens to snakes
who doesn't stay secret.