03x01 - L-O-N-- LONDON (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

♪

[CLATTER]

MAN: Crazy, right?

: , and all the good
stuff's already gone.

This isn't a yard sale.

They sold our house and put
my family out on the street.

- bucks.
- Cool.

So, what's the plan?

- [WATER SPRAYING]
- RAY: Oh! Sprinklers! Oh, no.

Oh! Soap! Soap!

Everyone take soap!

Shower while you can.

The plan is, I will
find us a place to live.

Well, w-while you look, you
guys could come stay with me.

Kenneth, that's lovely of you,

- but we really couldn't.
- I insist.

I don't have a ton of
room, but... it'll be fun.

Yeah, it could be fun.

The six of us under one roof.

Yeah, living, loving, muddling through.

- It'll be like an ' s sitcom.
- Hmm.

I can almost hear you and
me singing the theme song.

_

♪ You don't get the life I lead ♪

♪ You don't get my family ♪

♪ What we've got ♪

♪ Is living proof ♪

♪ That under one roof ♪

♪ We just needed more of each other ♪

♪ Every day ♪

♪ And under one roof ♪

♪ They think that we're oil and water ♪

♪ Let 'em say ♪

♪ That it can't be done ♪

♪ That life won't be fun ♪

♪ They just don't know the truth ♪

♪ That six lives get sweeter ♪

- ♪ Under one... ♪
- Oh, stop it!

- Ugh, get off me.
- Oh, would you stop it?!

Stop it! This is t*rture.

t*rture! I can't take it anymore.

♪ Under one roof ♪

Kenneth, we feel terrible.

We never thought we'd
be here for a month.

If we had any other place
to go, we'd be doing it.

We keep seeing places,
but nothing we can afford

that's big enough in the district.

My parents are in a retirement village.

Maya's mom is all over
the world for work.

Guys, it's okay.

You don't have to prove that
you have no other options.

You could stay here even if
you did have other options.

But would you mind proving that
Maya's dad isn't an option?

I mean, he... He could help.

No. No.

Maya has not talked to her father

or his awful wife in years.

I am not making you do that.

And so here you'll stay.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll enjoy a little privacy.

[SOBBING]

This isn't working, people.

Kenneth doesn't even go to the bathroom

to hide and cry anymore.

Dylan and I share a couch

and wake up daily in a
very troubling embrace.

Okay, I didn't want to say
this, but our neighbor Maddie...

She's on my track team.

Her folks said I could stay
with them as long as I want.

Wait. You want to separate?

Well, JJ could stay here for a bit.

That wouldn't be so bad.

The airline gives out
these hotel vouchers.

I could swipe a couple of those
if it's just for us and Ray.

No, my friend's parents

said they'd love to have
me stay with them, too.

Who, Ray? What friend?

- Tom.
- Ray, please don't make this sadder.

He's real!

Tom!

Tom Thompson.

Move over, Kenneth.
I need the cry corner.

No, no, no, no, no. I
think we should do it.

It'll just be temporary.

[SIGHING] Oh.

Well, all right, Dylan.
I'll call Maddie's mum.

And thank you, Kenneth.
It won't be for long.

God. It can't be for long.

♪

RAY: Okay, gonna firm
things up with Tom's mom.

Mom Thompson.

- Oh. Honestly.
- For God sake.

Dylan, while you're at Maddie's,
please remember your manners.

Learn your manners.

- Just flush.
- I will try.

It's just a few past
our house, isn't it?

The white one?

Our house is for sale?

♪

Is this a dream?

I don't want to wake up kissing Dylan.

Had not mentioned kissing.

I don't understand. The place was sold.

Oh, yeah. The buyer pulled out.

- Why?
- [CHUCKLES]

I assume he... saw it?

- So, it's available again?
- Yeah.

You guys in the market for a
, -square-foot gas-station toilet bowl?

Oof. When I hear myself talk,
I realize I am a bad Realtor.

- We'll take it.
- BOTH: What?

- We don't have the money.
- Well, my father does.

- Maya, no.
- Asking price?

- Do we have a deal?
- For this? I mean...

sure.

Great. Right. Daddy, here we come.

The DiMeos are going to London.

Tom, hey. Good news.

Looks like I don't have
to crash with you anymore.

- You're a very sad person.
- Have some dignity, Ray.

Good job getting these flights, love.

Yeah, that sixth voucher for Kenneth

was kind of a big ask
with the guys upstairs.

Yeah, why on Earth did
he insist on coming?

Hey, I earned this trip.

You all took over my house for a month.

- Jimmy using my deodorant.
- I did not!

[SNIFFS]

Island Spice. Deny it.

♪

Look, I know you don't like to travel.

Planes are hard. The airlines
always bang up your chair.

But come on. We're going to London!

Just wish we weren't going there
to see a guy we've never met

- who doesn't even want us.
- MAYA: Nonsense.

- My father doesn't know we're coming.
- You didn't call?

I'm sorry. Did the Japanese call first?

"Hey, Pearl Harbor, we're
thinking of dropping by.

- How's the th?"
- JIMMY: Wow.

You'll have to excuse your
mother's historical references.

She's processing a lot of emotions

- and hopefully drunk.
- Very.

- See?
- I just hope we have time for

some culture while we're there.

We're finally away from stupid
California, where all we have there is...

[SURFER ACCENT] "Hey, dude.

Oh, gnarly, wave, dude. Hey,
can you spot me some guac?"

[BRITISH ACCENT] Are you from California?

I love your accent.

♪

I'm totally from Cali.

So, in England, that's,
like, exotic and sexy?

Very much so.

Oh, gnarly reframing on this trip, dude.

[CHUCKLES]

♪

Excuse me. Uh, do you
have any periodicals

about the royal family...
The fabulous lifestyles,

the palace intrigue...
But, you know, for men?

Sorry, but if I come across anything,

I can bring it to you in your seat.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I'm traveling with a
pretty judgmental party.

If they knew that I loved
all things royal family...

[GASPS]

Two things... I just
tried to flush an apple,

so we're down to one pooper.

Also...

Mom, Dad! Kenneth loves the royals!

- What?!
- What?!

- That is so lame!
- So lame.

Oh, wait.

I-Is this about Meghan Markle

and the laudable and healing evolution

- of racial sensibilities?
- 'Cause that's actually very positive.

- Nothing funny about that.
- Laudable. Laudable.

No, it has nothing to do with that.

Oh, good! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Lame!
- You loser.

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] A loser
your ass is taking to England.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

We've begun our initial
descent into London Heathrow.

We'll be landing in minutes.

We're really here.

Oh, I can't bear it.

Now I'm actually gonna
have to see my father

and his dreadful, phony wife, with
her, "Can I get you something, dear?"

It's like, "Oh, yeah, you want to get me
dead, is what you want to get me, innit?"

I just said "innit."
Now we're really here.

Okay, so maybe you're not ready
to go to your dad's house just yet.

Maybe we take a day to acclimate.

No.

I came here to provide for my family.

I mean, until I've done that,

I really don't believe I
could enjoy a single moment.

- ["RULE, BRITANNIA" PLAYS]
- Mother England, I am home!

Oh, look at the pubs!

Look at the sun! You can't!

Look at the people! So
delightfully pasty-faced.

All right, Fun Dad took care of her.

Time for you.

Okay, hear me out.

That building over there... it's
where I first fell in love with London.

That tower... Best views in the city.

You're a filmmaker.
How about a great vista?

"That actually sounds cool."

All right. There we
go. Let's check it out.

Uh, Central Hall Westminster.

"Stunning views from observation deck.

Wheelchair access... All areas except...

observation deck.

So, screw you, Jimmy DiMeo." Huh.

♪

[SURFER ACCENT] And
that's a Cali . earthquake.

You're so cool, Ray.

How come you're dressed this way?

Oh. Awesome story, dude.

I was so wasted when I landed,

- I grabbed the wrong suitcase.
- [CHUCKLES]

So, some loser's walking
around in your cool clothes.

Meanwhile, this guy's
shirt's a ladies' medium.

Probably because he's between boy sizes.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- That guy's so lame!
- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

♪

Okay, that's enough
Buckingham Palace for you.

Hold on. I'm working on
a plan to meet the Queen.

Queen!

- Come outside!
- Come on.

She's not even there.
The Union Flag is flying.

It's the Royal Sovereign
when she's there.

♪

- Hey! Royals lover!
- [WHISPERS] Keep it down.

I'm ashamed, okay? I
shouldn't like the royals.

They're famous for nothing,
they're not American, and...

- Yeah, and you can't get enough of 'em!
- They've got ahold on me.

I didn't even set an
alarm for Harry's wedding.

My body just knew.

But this can't get out, all right?

I'm years old. My
brand is everything.

Okay. My lips are sealed.

- [SIGHS]
- But that wedding, though.

Stop it!

It was beautiful.

♪

Where were you, and
why do you look like that?

Had to look the part, brah.

Luckily, there's a sick
PacSun miles away.

My boy Damien hooked me up.

You look ridiculous,

and you're missing everything
you came here to see.

You're gonna regret this... brah.

You sound just like Damien!

- This was such a good idea. Thank you.
- Oh, please.

It's not like I was in a
big rush to see your father.

All his jokes about me being short.

I am average height. He's the freak.

Who wants to be ' "?

Buy a special sleeping
bag? No, thank you.

♪

- You are the perfect height.
- Take longer to say it.

Oh, rad. Is that Westminster Abbey?

So, you know any movie stars?

Fiona, I just asked a question.

I'm down to share my SoCal vibes,

but, like, there's got to
be a little give-and-take.

Do you go to Venice Beach a lot?

I just answered that!

JIMMY: Fun, right? A day of this, and
you'll be ready to talk to your dad.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, we're getting
awfully close to his place.

- Ah, it'll be okay.
- Hello, stupid bus!

Oh, bloody hell!

Welcome, dull tourists.

- Is that your dad?
- Yeah.

Now, your guide today
is... ooh, Benjamin.

Oh, you're in for a treat.
He's an extra-boring one.

- Morning, Benjamin.
- Just ignore him.

Now, movie lovers,

any guess what movie
sh*t at this building?

A sickle and five knuts to the winner.

It's "Harry Potter and the
Order of the bloody Phoenix"!

- You know how I know?
- If I may...

Because I get to hear
this times every day!

I know the script so well,
I can throw insults at you

and fit them into Benjamin's
insipid narrative perfectly.

- Sirius Black's familial residence...
- Black's familial... Die!

BOTH: ...inherited by Harry
and used as the headquarters...

Fall off the bus!

- ...of The Order of the Phoenix.
- The Phoenix.

Would you shut up?!

Oh, no.

- You?!
- "Oh, no, you"?

That's all you have
to say after years?

Well, you started it!
Didn't she, Benjamin?

What are you doing here?

Actually came to make up with
you, you blustering buffoon.

When did you get that
dreadful American accent?

What accent? I don't have an accent.

[IMITATING SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Well, looky here!

You're madder than a one-eyed
fox in a sack 'a honey maggots.

- Yee-hoo!
- What the hell is a honey maggot,

you ridiculous old man?

- You're a honey maggot!
- No, you're a honey maggot!

You're a honey maggot!

Grand to see you, darling. Off you go.

Benjamin, take her away.

Frustrating the efforts
of several Death Eaters...

BOTH: and the evil Voldemort.

Right, just around the corner,

we've a real treat for you.

- [WINDOW CLOSES]
- Oh, can you buy us a house?

Ugh! That man... So loud, so dramatic,

holding a grudge for so long!

Have you ever met such a person?

Oh, I can think of one person.

Well, obviously it's me!

He and I are the same.
That's the bloody problem.

Well, he knows we're here.
Now I'm gonna have to go up,

and he's clearly not pleased to see me.

"Would he be happy to
see his grandchildren?"

Where's Dylan?

KENNETH: Your Highness.

- Dylan?
- Daddy?

Thank God! He forced me to do this.

I'm not sending anyone up
there. The man's a terror.

"If we get the money, can
we go back to America?"

- Well, of course you can.
- [TIRES SQUEALING]

Oh.

♪

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- She's here!

Fetch the defibrillator, darling.

I'm about to shout myself

into my most worthwhile
heart att*ck yet.

Oh. You're not one awful person.

You're three disappointingly cute ones.

Okay, the kids butter him up,

then I'll go and make up with
him, we'll get a check, leave.

- When do you think we should go in?
- How dare you?!

- A minute ago?
- And if you think you can barge in on me?!

[LAUGHS] We got her.

"Good one, Grandpa."

How fun.

Very quick forming of an alliance.

- Father.
- Daughter.

- Frances.
- Top of Jimmy's head.

- [WHISPERS] And there it is.
- Why don't you come inside, dear?

We're about to have tea.
- It begins.

♪

So, it's been some time. Uh...

ruin any more weddings since we last met?

A few.

Martin, let's talk of
more pleasant things.

Always the voice of reason.

[WHISPERS] You're not fooling anyone.

JIMMY: Maya, you remember

you had something you
wanted to say to your father.

Yes, I seem to have rather
lost the taste for it.

Like the horse he bought
you that you never rode.

How long did we leave you in here?

If you're at a loss
for something to say,

perhaps an apology would
be a good place to start.

Oh, I agree.

"Maya, I should not have shut
you out for the past years.

I am so sorry." Something like that?

Well, perhaps more, uh,

"Dear Father, I'm sorry I turned
the happiest day of your life

into a scene, the footage
of which somehow made its way

onto a program called 'Britain's
Most Embarrassing Weddings, '

hosted by a since-confirmed pedophile.

Oh, and, uh, sorry
for leaving for America

and never looking back."

So...

you missed me?

Well, I mean, if we're going back,

then perhaps...

"Maya, I am sorry

that when I left your mother"...

Which, come on, who bloody wouldn't...

"I also left you, Maya, as well."

Oh, my.

Um... well, um, to
that, I would add, uh,

"Daddy, I'm sorry I waited so many years

to tell you that you had hurt me.

It would've explained and
changed things so very much."

"Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry, Maya! My little girl."

"I'm sorry, Daddy! I missed you so."

I can't believe they apologized.

Did they?

KENNETH: "We have to
go back to the hotel.

My battery is dying."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Go back?

There is an outlet right over there.

"But, Dad, the outlets
are different over here!"

I have an adapter!

Fun Dad meets Practical Dad?

But one's Marvel and one's D.C.

What?! Come on.

Look, I'm sorry I sold
you out back there.

Just let me see what you got.

Hey, don't be sorry
to me. Be sorry to you.

You love something,
but you're ashamed of it

because of what people might think?

[CHUCKLES] I just don't understand that.

You were hiding the exact same thing

until literally six hours ago.

[JIMMY MUMBLES]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

♪

[SIGHS]

"The voltage is different here.

Fun!"

Ah, actually, this is perfect.

Look where we are.
Central Hall Westminster.

[SIGHS]

KENNETH: "A place I definitely can't go."

And you're going, straight to the top.

"No. This is why I don't like to travel.

But it's all fun for you."

Ha! [CHUCKLES] Do you think I'm happy?

We're here because I
couldn't save the house.

I couldn't save your mom from
having to beg to get it back.

I am trying to make the
best of this, and I'm failing.

I need a win. You wanted to go up there.

Let me do this for you, for me.

♪

So, JJ...

- he's going to college next year.
- Ah.

Ray is a brilliant scholar.

Must've skipped a generation.
He gets that from you.

Apparently, you're not
bad at this mother thing.

Honestly, Daddy... I'm great at it.

Plus, all the crazy
I inherited from you...

With JJ, I get to channel it
into something positive.

You think yelling at a bus feels good?

Add "wheelchair" to any complaint,

it's an instant win.

- Pardon me.
- Really?

I'll have to ask you,
please, not to feed the birds.

How dare you, sir?

I have a grandson who has a wheelchair.

That was intoxicating.

[LAUGHS]

♪

WOMAN: Excuse me.

- ["RULE, BRITANNIA" PLAYS]
- Oh, that's my royal tracker app.

Lady Rose Gilman is getting
froyo in the West End.

She's rd in line for succession.

- Come on, man.
- But I should...

probably stay here.

Go.

I'll hurt my back if
I carry JJ by myself,

but I'll die if I listen
to one more word of this.

DYLAN: Yeah, it's so stupid.

I mean, you probably want
someone to go make fun of you

while you're there, right?

Yeah, well, I'd love the company

of a woman who's being
honest with herself.

Oh, my God. Why are you still here?

Hey, California.

Oh, no. How many are there?

Uh, you're not gonna be stoked.

- I like your necklace.
- Me too.

Oi! You slags. We saw him first.

Are you daft?

[SURFER ACCENT]
Everybody, just chill out!

[SIGHS] I'm not who you think I am.

I'm not gnarly.

[NORMAL VOICE] I am not gnarly.

I'm Ray, and I want this to stop

so I can visit museums
and enunciate consonants.

♪

I haven't been true to myself, either.

But unlike Ray, in my
case, it's a bad thing.

I don't always like sharing
a room with two boys.

A world full of jumping on people,
pinning them down, and farting on them.

That's you, only you, every time.

I like things that might not
make me seem tough or cool.

And darn it, I love the royals.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I really need to know

what kind of yogurt
toppings Lady Rose likes.

And I need to go check the
return policy at PacSun.

Good luck, guys. Sorry.

[SIGHS] This is dumb. We should go down.

♪

It's gonna take forever with just me.

You'd do that for me?

The first time I saw your face...

- Oh!
- Stupid Americans.

Sorry, sorry.

Kenneth! Kenneth! I told them.

I admitted I love the royals.

It felt great.

Ladies, this is Dylan.

- She's one of us.
- [SCATTER GREETINGS]

Oh, I, uh...

I got you something.

♪

- It's Lady Gilman!
- Where?

- Oh. Oh!
- Lady Gilman! I love you!

- I love you!
- Oh, Lady Gilman!

She looked at me! She just looked at me!

So, you live in California,
but where exactly?

Well, it's convenient

that you ask about where we live, bec...

Ooh, Daddy, careful.

Oh! That's nice.

[MUMBLING] I don't know. I can't...

Well, bound to be another one. [CHUCKLES]

I can't believe this feeling.

I feel so at peace.

WOMAN: ...after Albert and...

You are an eyesore and an abomination!

Take the next left and explore
the bottom of the Thames!

You see, I always knew
we'd see each other again,

but I thought when you
came, you'd might, you know,

be asking for help or
money, something like that,

but you just came to see me.

Makes a difference.

♪

So, tell me about this house of yours.

[GRUNTS]

Whoa.

Oh, yeah. We did it.

"You did."

Eh, yeah.

What'd I say, huh?
Best view in the city.

Oh, hey. It's the London Eye.

That wasn't here last time I was.

So, like I said,

it's the best view of that...

completely accessible thing

with a better view.

Why did you let us do this?