03x09 - J-A-- JAVIER'S P-A-- PANTS

[bunniefuu]

Ah, family meeting, is it?

Something about a chore wheel?

I assume Ray has
provided some visual aids,

so I prepared some
comedy to undercut him.

"Chore wheel?

More like snore wheel."

Wait. Why is no one piling on Ray?

And what's Kenneth doing here?

He's here to block the door.

You said you valued my input.

This isn't a family meeting.

This is an intervention.

Maya, you are not going
to college with JJ.

Wha... Wh...

Bollocks!

USC Film School called.

What? They want their hairstyle back?

This is no time for
that joke construction.

They called to set an interview
with applicant JJ DiMeo,

and then they called
back to set an interview

with applicant Maya DiMeo.

I pressed them for details.

They said your submission
film was "weird."

It's called "avant garde."

And, anyway, you don't know

that JJ doesn't want me to follow him...

You just don't want me
challenging you as a filmmaker.

Okay, fine!

I'm gonna have a lot
more time on my hands.

I need to find something
that will fulfill me

or something that has the flexibility

so I can be here for my family.

You will find something.

It just won't be
following JJ to college.

Okay, then.

Good.

Now that that's been taken care of,

I would like to discuss
this chore wheel I've made.

So, Dad, you're on dishes!

You haven't been preparing
for your next chapter?

Think of what you do
with JJ. You're a machine.

So what you're saying is,
I've been getting experience.

Yes. Now find that thing
that's worth doing all the way.

So, what you're saying is

combine my expertise with my passion.

Problem solved.

So what you're saying is...

We're saying your turn is over!

I'm sorry. What is this?

Have I been dominating the conversation?

- Kind of.
- For how long?

- About six months.
- Oh.

Does anyone else have anything to share

in the, uh, last, uh, 20 seconds?

Uh, I'll go.

Um, first of all,

thank you so much for
welcoming me to the group.

My husband just left me.

So I'll... see you next time.

- Oh, my...
- Why didn't you say something?

Oh, well, I didn't want
to interrupt your thing

about JJ going to college.

Yeah, a year from now.

Oh, I have been selfish,
haven't I? Yeah, um...

It's time for me to give back, okay?

I'm gonna be with you,
Melanie, through this.

Okay, thank you. You can all go.

At least she had snacks this time.

Yeah. Thanks, Nathalie.

Well, I must say, you're
holding it together very well.

I saw my doctor about that.

She said my body just needs time
to generate more tears, so...

Okay.

Oh, God!

John!

Oh, good. There they are.

Oh, John, I love you!

Ah! Flat tire.

That'll teach me to go
over potholes just for fun.

This is good.

I remember when my old man

taught me how to change a tire.

Your grandpa used to call a
lug wrench a "Jimmy wrench."

I-It came from a place of love.

He also used to call
dumbbells "Jimmy bells."

Yeah, I think I might hate him.

Eh.

But he was so happy to teach me a skill

that I would use for
the rest of my life.

Now it's my turn

to pass on to you a skill...

that you clearly already have.

How about you give me a water, Pop?

Somehow, this is my dad's fault.

Oh, I hate John and that
girl he ran off with.

I mean, she's a child.

He's got wine older than her.

Oh, God. He's got such good wine.

- I love him.
- Quite a roller coaster.

You know, should we...
Let's not focus on the pain.

L-Let's talk about how to move forward.

Oh, I know what I want to do.

You know I'm gonna ask you again.

Please no German. It scares the dog.

Excuse me one second.

Oh, thank God. So bleak in there.

Am I failing as a father?

What? No!

Well, which child?

I keep missing these classic
father/son milestones.

It got me thinking...

What if we spent so
much time focusing on JJ

that we left Ray behind?

I mean, he's gonna be out
the door pretty soon, too.

I just hope my window hasn't closed.

Oh, I'm sure the window's still open.

DiMeo windows usually are.

That's why we have bats in the summer.

Hold on.

Hola.

Oh, hi, Joyce. I'll get JJ.

I'll be right back.

I'm on with John! I told
him that I'll get new boobs!

What do I say now?

- Hi.
- Hey, Joyce.

Can I ask you a question about your dad?

Did he come here?! What did he say?!

He is a liar!

You know what? We're good.

- Oh. All right.
- Yeah.

Great.

JJ, can...

Is something going on between you two?

Coach suspended me from track,

so JJ's giving me a "staring-to."

It's like a normal talking-to,

except I have to guess what he's saying

so I can't zone out and
play "Fortnite" in my head.

"She yelled at all her teammates."

Dylan! That is such poor sportsmanship.

You can't d...

Is she playing "Fortnite"?

Darling, you're not ready for P.T.,

and it takes 10 minutes to
get you out of those jeans.

"The price of looking fly."

Okay, here's what you do.

Step one, build up an
immunity to laxatives.

Most men are suspicious.

They're gonna make
you eat the cake, too.

Oh, no, no! Separate!

You're a bad influence.

Come on.

You made us cupcakes once.

I don't... think so.

Now, Melanie, listen. You
don't need to exact revenge.

Everything you're feeling is valid,

so my advice to you is just feel.

Just feel?

Actually, that helps.

Oh, good! I helped!

Was I ever really selfish?

Or did they just make
me think that I was?

Someone called you selfish, huh?

Here's what you do.

Build up an immunity to laxatives...

♪ Kumbaya, my Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

Good.

What is this?

You said there was a dog
playing basketball in here.

Hey! There's my new prospect.

"Kenneth is going to
teach you about teamwork."

What?!

"You're joining his team

while you're suspended from track."

This was a trap?

How dare you lie to me about a
real-life "Air Bud" situation!

What's the matter?

Afraid of a game

that involves more than just running?

Does that answer your question?

You realize that didn't go in.

Really? Then why didn't
any of you mock me?

Because you tried your best.

This chick serious?

That's how we do things here.

I'm coaching this team like I coach JJ.

It's about trying and
growing, not all about winning.

Winning's everything.

And with me here, you're gonna win.

Dylan, we've got a tournament tomorrow.

Yeah. Yeah, I can be good by then.

Come here, son. I want
to show you something.

Are we flushing nails again?

That can't be good for the environment.

Nope. Your old man is gonna
teach you how to put up a shelf.

Sticking out there?

Won't you hit your
head on it all the time?

Ray, when you install a shelf yourself,

you always know where it is.

Uh... Mm. You're going
in at kind of an angle.

Uh, here. Let me show you a trick.

So, if you place a CD
where you want to drill,

you can use the reflection of the drill

to ensure it's level.

Let me see that.

Hey. Nice job, champ.

Who taught you this?

Well, when I was becoming a man,

there were certain
things I wanted to learn,

so I turned to the wisdom

of instructional videos on YouTube.

Remember, with great power tools

comes great responsi-drill-ity.

Oh, that's very funny.

I'm your dad.

I should be teaching
you stuff like this.

And I'm gonna.

Can you throw a spiral?

Thanks to YouTube, I can.

- Can you bait a hook?
- Live bait or fly?

I don't know, man! Fishing!

Hey, do I know how to do anything?

If I don't teach Ray something soon,

he's gonna change his
last name to "Tube."

Oh.

Oh, it's Melanie calling.

You're being silly, Jimmy.

Maya Tube.

Can you hear me, John?

It's your wife.

Your wife... Melanie!

You called Maya. Where are you?

I'm at a strip club, John.

Are you jealous?

Good! I hate you!

Wait, why are you there?

And what am I in your phone as?

I love you, John!

Remember Sonoma?

I'm coming to get you.

Ah, but the good news is,

you got into Emerson.

All right, we've got our work
cut out for us today, girls.

Number 24 is the best in the league.

I'm on 24.

Dylan, she's 6 feet tall.

Save the analytics, Poindexter.

I've got a plan. Now,
let me get out there.

This cup is k*lling me.

- Break! Do it!
- Whoo-hoo!

Let's go, guys!

Please welcome to the stage Bruce!

Yeah, Bruce! Whoo!

Melanie! Hey. Hey!

What are you doing here?

I left you in a good place,
and this is a bad place.

I don't care. We're having fun.

Who's "we"?

Oh, hey, Mrs. D.

God. What are you doing here?!

She called me.

Okay, fine. I was already here.

What are you, the stripper police?

Hey, look whose ACL is better!

Girls, you look great,

and, Dylan, I don't know
what you're doing on D,

but it... It is working.

She's scaring them with trash talk.

I don't think there's
trash talk that good, Sasha.

No, the team narc is right.

I got dirt on them and
used it against them.

You want some on the coach?

She just put her mom
in a cheap nursing home.

All right, girls, uh...

get back out there, huh?

You... bench.

Dylan, let me tell you

a little something about sportsmanship.

You can't just go out there

and talk about...

We won. You're welcome.

Wait. Really? What?!

We won?!

Oh, I can't believe it!

This team hasn't won in years!

I gave up looking at scoreboards!

We won!

Yes!

Ray, YouTube cannot have taken
all of my father/son milestones.

Put down the books. It's time to learn.

Can I show you something?

That's just the closest
shave I've ever had.

Damn it!

Ow!

What kind of fool puts a shelf there?!

I just want to hurt him.

Oh, I'm a physical therapist.
What do you have in mind?

Do you like a stabbing pain
or a constant, dull ache?

Oh, what about a weird tingle?

The tingle thing.

Would you stop encouraging her?

I'm trying to defuse the situation.

And I got my own life to get back to.

Oh, right... the whole
"Maya's Next Chapter" thing.

Look, I promised I'd take care of her,

but I got to figure my own life out,

and that's not gonna happen here.

Ladies, please welcome to the stage...

Hot-Hot-Javier!

Oh, I love him. Whoo!

Oh...

my...

God.

Whoo!

So easily removable...

and so stylish.

Accessibility without compromise.

I want to mess John up.

Are physical therapists
able to prescribe dr*gs?

Well, the laws are very unclear on that.

I think I found my calling...

An adaptive clothing line.

Hey, can you take me to the VIP room

and bring more clothes?

- More clothes?
- JJ?

I think I know what I
want to do with my life.

Meet Mommy at the strip
club by the airport.

They're not gonna know what hit 'em.

Hey, you know what they say...

Third stepdad's the charm.

Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Your boyfriend just
went on Haunted Mansion

with a girl from Virginia he just met.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Kinda weird your mom only
dedicated her cookbook

to your brother.

Whoo!

Oh! Yeah!

What do you think?

"I think you should have
said male strip club."

Well, you agree to meet
your mum at a strip club,

you take your chances.

These hidden magnets...

They're amazing.

Game changer.

There is no limit to how
fly you can look, darling.

So, it's a business
where you make clothing

- for people with disabilities?
- Yeah.

Will you sell online? Open a store?

And what makes it proprietary?

What is this, "Shark t*nk"?

Melanie, I'll be right out.

We left! I'm at my husband's place.

I snuck in, he came home, and I'm
hiding in the bathroom with Joyce.

You have to save me.

Are you taking a shower?

My apartment only has a tub.

Oh, wait!

I don't have to lay down! Whoo!

Okay, don't move. I'll be right there.

Okay, we got to go.

Uh, real quick, before you do...

Could you help me put
on this full tuxedo?

Okay, how?

Why didn't I think of grilling before?

Thanks so much, Dad.

I never would have
learned this without you.

Nope.

Ah. See?

That's why you only flip it once.

See those grill marks?

A steak for my son.

Mmm! Wow!

Yeah!

Who knew we had such awesome tools?

"Grill Master Ray"?

That's weird.

So, I'm guessing I got this all wrong?

Always season at least
40 minutes before cooking,

and on a grill, you
flip every 30 seconds

so you don't lose the juices.

You already m*rder*d the
cow. Don't m*rder the flavor.

Well, I guess that's it.

You win, Internet.

Sorry, Dad. I'm a very curious boy.

That's fine... really.

I'm sorry I tried to force

all these father/son moments.

I'm just glad you...

You found a way to get what you need.

Dad, wait.

Why don't we look up a video
on how to clean the grill?

"How to be a better dad"?

Okay, girls, we want to force
them to pass the ball to Audrey.

Her dad was involved in a
mysterious boating accident

with a rich uncle.

Dylan, get in there

and tell her you know all about it

and get... that... ball!

- Whoo!
- Let's go, guys!

Okay, JJ, I don't know
what you think you heard...

"Make Audrey Cry" on "3"!

1, 2, 3.

Make Audrey cry!

It got away from me.

Hey, Dad. I was, uh,
hoping after SAT prep

maybe you could show me how
to tie a McBjornson Knot.

Ask your father.

No. Teach me.

Unless you don't know how.

Wh... No. I know how.

I'm... I'm a...

huge knot guy.

All right. I'll see
you when you get back.

Only one video?

Popular knot.

Not!

- Ray?
- Hi, Dad. Surprise!

It's not an instructional video.

It's... It's a video from me to my dad.

A guy who cared enough
to look up a video

for this clearly made-up thing.

McBjornson Knot? That's real.

Not!

My boy.

I'm a lucky kid to call you my dad.

I know that even if you don't.

You've taught me what matters.

I hope to be the type
of man you are one day.

You might have missed
some of the little things.

You get the big ones right.

Always.

Now, if you're watching this
and you aren't Jimmy DiMeo

and you happen to be a very hot girl...

hi, there.

I'm Ray. I do impressions.

You're right... You took me to Kenneth

to learn a lesson about sportsmanship,

but instead of learning,

I brought the whole team down with me.

You got all that from a look?

I should have known better.

She's a child.

I should have raised her to my level

instead of sinking to hers.

Wait. If you can do all this,

then why are we bothering
with the damn board?

I did let myself down.

I let down the whole town.

Team! Team.

So specific.

Yeah, we should go out
there and play the right way.

But I still want to win.

Yes. He's right.

If we change the definition of "winning"

to mean "working as a team,"
it will still be winning.

Okay. Let's do it.

Wha... Lose the suit?

I look great.

You're right. I do look like Grimace.

Okay, when the coast is clear,
make a run for it out the back.

Okay. Ready.

Hello, darling. I'm
here for our affair...

Oh, I see you're busy.

- Who are you?
- I'm John's lover,

May... May... Mayo.

Like... mayonnaise?

Oh, like I've never heard that before.

I-I have never met this woman.

Do you believe him, or
does he have a reputation

- for stretching the truth?
- Okay, go.

Todra, I swear, I-I've
never cheated in my life.

Yes, you have!

- I'm sleeping with him, too.
- Uh... Mm.

What is your ex-wife doing here

with the woman that rear-ended me?

Oh, that's where I know you from!

So, uh...

saw your video.

The "You're a good dad" one, right?

Because I have a whole other series

where I do celebrity impressions.

I saw those, too.

Your James Gandolfini gave me chills!

Hey, it's Mafia time over here!

Yeah.

But, yeah, the "dad" one.

Thank you, Ray.

Dad, you just missed our turn.

Mm. We're not going home.

No, I figured out a father/son milestone

that the Internet has not beaten me to.

A '92 Merlot

or an '03 Cabernet?

Oh, Merlot me.

Oh, your husband has very
good taste in wine, doesn't he?

I'm gonna be all alone.

My son's about to go off to college,

and my daughter's not far behind.

Well, I'm in the same place.

I mean, minus the cheating husband.

Jimmy knows I'd k*ll him... slowly.

That's why I'm starting
an adaptive clothing line.

- I love that.
- Thank you.

Yeah, I don't know what's
"proprietary" about it.

Thanks, Hot-Hot-Javier.

Well, I actually studied business.

Did you? Where?

'Cause I'm getting
into a lot of colleges.

Okay, well, not to go
all B-school on you,

but ideas aren't really proprietary.

I mean, there might be other companies

for making adaptive
clothing lines, but I bet

very few of them are run by
an actual special-needs mom.

That sets your brand apart.

I mean, what makes
it proprietary is you.

- Or us.
- What?

We both need something for our future,

and I hatched the idea,

but I know nothing about business.

- You're serious?
- Yeah.

Special-needs moms help each other out.

Why not make a buck
while we're doing it?

Okay. I'm in.

Okay. Great.

This calls for champagne.

Yes.

You know what? I'm in, too.

Wow!

Just... Just deduct that from my share.

Thank you.

So, it turns out that in Wyoming,

if you are accompanied by a parent,

it is legal for you to have a beer.

You're not the only one who can
learn stuff from the Internet.

So you used travel
vouchers from your work

just to fly here and
give me my first beer?

And elk nachos.

Yuck.

I was so focused

on the father/son moments I missed...

here's to the ones to come, son.

Ooh. Ooh, that's good stuff.

Chocolate milk for my boy.

I love you, Daddy.

I am wasted.

No, you're not.

Hey! That's okay!

That was the wrong basket anyway!

Way to pop it, Sasha!

Ow!

We lost!

Yeah!

Yes! You did it!

Do you... know what's going on?

I was drinking with Ray in Wyoming.

I was in a strip club by the airport

with JJ.