03x14 - J-I-- JIMMY V-A-L--VALENTINE

[bunniefuu]

This is me.

Thanks for the ride.

Let's see. Two stars.

You were a little chatty.

Dude! Is that the girl
JJ's going on the date with?

I gotta kick the tires on this broad.

No! JJ has asked for his privacy.

He'll introduce you when he's ready.

You're right.

And I respect that.

Hey, Izzy! What's your deal?!

Ah!

Private party, Dylan.

Mr. DiMeo's asked me to see you home.

Weird man trying to get me in his van!

Uh-huh. One sign that
you've cried wolf too much

is the fact that they're
holding the door for me.

Hmm. Someone just "liked"
a bunch of my photos.

Who is "Maya DiMeo Secret Account"?

"Someone who has no boundaries

and paws her phone
like a drunk gorilla."

Aww, she's cute.

I think she's live-streaming now.

I like her. Do you think she'll like us?

Oh, please. What's not to like?

You can't really get a
sense of her figure, can you?

Come on, bathing suit picture, please.

I am on the toilet!

Whatever happened to privacy?!

Hey! We were in the
middle of a commercial

of a girl and her dad.

All hands on deck, people!

A few months ago I purchased

a Valentine's harbor cruise.

My girlfriend and I were going

to exchange "I love yous."

Your girlfriend?

Is she in the room right now?

- Can you see her?
- I know I don't have a girlfriend.

All right, good. Yeah.

I was betting I would
by now, and I lost.

The tickets are non-refundable,

so we have to find me a date!

W-Would you... Would you
consider selling those tic...

No. No. What did Mom say?

No expensive Jimmy Valentine's Day.

I know you love making a grand
gesture every year, darling,

but this year we've got the mortgage

and JJ's going to college,
I got my new business.

The most romantic thing that
you could do would be to...

Hire Boyz II Men to sing
personalized versions

of their hits for you like last year.

Not going into debt.

Oh, but the love boat sounds so cool!

He didn't even describe it!

All right. We'll stick to the plan.

I'll go to work where
I won't be tempted.

Now, darling, about your date.

You know Nathalie from my
special-needs moms group?

- Yeah, she has a daughter?
- No.

I mean Nathalie from my
special-needs moms group.

Oh.

Uh, we'll circle back to that.

"We need to discuss what happened.

Who knows what they did wrong?"

Me. I cyber-stalked a teenager
when I was on the toilet,

and then I broadcast it.

And I was naked in a room with, uh,

"Hulk smash" on her phone.

I know we all want to meet this Izzy,

but JJ has prepared a statement.

"Dear Family, I know you're
curious about me dating someone.

Please give me my space."

This is the edited version.

JJ's draft, with swear words

and valid body-shaming of
Jimmy, was 10 pages long.

Let JJ have this.

Now go.

Oh.

Nathalie politely declines.

Damn it!

"Do you have plans Valentine's Day?"

I get to meet Izzy.

You want my help on your date?

Uh, I purposely did not make
plans hoping this would come.

Melanie's mad.

So, are we going to the dance?

"Not special enough.

I've waited my life for this.

It needs to be perfect."

Oh, and it shall be.

Can I rub it in your mom's face?

Oh, Mayaaa...

Hey, Ray. Did you find a
date for your cruise yet?

No. I asked Dr. Miller to let me know

whenever a new girl enrolls,

but she said she couldn't
do it "in good conscience."

You know what, n-neither
of us have dates

and there's a great meal,

I love boats because
there's no laws at sea...

Concerning, go on.

- Maybe you should just take me.
- Really?

You want to have, like,
a sibling bonding date?

I feel like we're trapped in
this cycle where I bust on you,

and then you turn around
and get busted on by me.

Maybe it's time we break it?

Huh. I always figured
we'd bury the hatchet

but I thought it'd be
a deathbed situation.

I can't believe this is
happening without a catheter.

Let's do this.

Hey... this will be the first
date you won't have to worry

about your sister throwing
garbage at you or your girl.

Huh?

And... voilà.

Better.

Yeah. This is my own special blend.

Yeah.

Come on.

Yeah.

Nice, right?

You gave me the list.

I just bring your ideas to life.

"I asked for green pillows."

Well, I'm not gonna bring
an idea that sucks to life.

"It's perfect.

Thank you."

And we're right on time.

May I?

Go around! We're in the back!

- Good evening, Izzy. I'm Kenneth.
- Nice to finally meet you.

I've heard so much about you.

- Nothing bad I hope.
- Some of it was bad.

That's fair.

Uh, well, I'm going to see to it

that you have a wonderful time.

We've thought of everything.

You're staying? It's
gonna be the three of us?

Isn't that kind of weird?

Huh.

We didn't think of that.

Jimmy Valentine!

What are you doing here on your big day?

Bought Maya an airplane.

Nope, just working.

Got to get that Valentine's holiday pay.

Is that a thing?

Now that I've said it out
loud, it sounds stupid.

Well, you'll have to go the long way.

Not... the concourse.

Oh, look away, Jimmy, look away.

Oh, Maya would love that much cologne.

Hold it together, man. No.

Oh.

So much turquoise.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Ah! Safe.

No buying, just working. Next!

Listen, my shipment
was delayed five hours,

I got a boatload of roses
I was supposed to sell,

- and it's too late...
- I love them... I'll take them all!

You're a cool big brother, Ray.

- Thanks for bringing me.
- Happy to.

I actually found a girl
who was game to come.

But I'll be disappointing
Kaci another night.

Well, lucky for me, my date's
smart, kind, he loves his fam...

Oh, have we pushed off? Great.

Ray, I'm just gonna
rip the Band-Aid off.

A guy I like is on this boat

and he asked me to meet him here,

so I tricked you into bringing me.

You'll be spending this cruise alone.

Godspeed.

What? Wait, no.

No.

Kaci! Kaci!

Jimmy, I'm so proud of you.

I know how hard it is for you

not to spend money on Valentine's Day.

Yeah, well... it's what you asked for.

Just 'cause you're working

doesn't mean we can't
spend the evening together.

I'm actually on my way
over to you right now.

I'm bringing dinner.

Fantastic! How far away are you exactly?

Would it help if I told you
that these are for my mistress?

Sorry if you weren't prepared
for my being here tonight,

but I assure you, there's
nothing weird about this at all.

Ah.

"You look lovely in that dress."

Yeah, I don't think any of us

felt good about that. Sidebar?

Dude, she's not feeling
this. I should go.

I'll be inside if you need me.

"I need you here.

You're my hands... my voice."

Ah.

The "hands and voice" speech.

It got me to interrupt Elvira's
meal at The Cheesecake Factory,

and it gets me tonight.

Let's go.

Elvira still texts me, you know.

You tricked me

under the guise of
brother-sister bonding.

Not "guys"... guy.

His name's Connor. I met him online.

He's a social media celebrity.

This night went from getting an
"I love you" from my girlfriend

to taking my sister to
getting ditched by my sister.

You screwed me out of a date,
you're not gonna have a date.

It's stuff like this why Mom's
friends won't date you, Ray.

What did you do?

These must've cost like $200.

Of course he did it!

- He's Jimmy Valentine!
- I'm sorry.

But I don't think it's a waste of money

to show you how much you mean to me.

Does that make me a Valentine sucker?

Yes. The world is full

of Valentine suckers today

and I am proudly the
biggest one of them all.

You know what? You're right.

The world isfull of suckers today.

Let's profit off them.

Let's sell these roses for
twice what you paid for them

and make it rain cash!

Okay.

Okay, Jimmy DiMeo aims to please.

But Jimmy Valentine

knows a special bouquet
when he sees one.

I'm saving these for you.

Ah, ah!

I insist.

"Izzy, I thought that
we could talk about

what you and Kenneth have in common."

- Like what?
- Well, I'm a big sports guy.

- Do you like sports?
- I love sports.

- What's your favorite sport?
- Team handball.

Okay. Bit of a dead end.

Uh, let's take a turn down food alley.

Um, uh, what's your favorite food?

I like buffets.

Say you're at a buffet.

- What do you grab first?
- A plate.

- Music!
- Did you make the playlist we're listening to?

I sure did.

We shouldn't talk about music.

"Sidebar."

What am I supposed to do when
you guys take your sidebars?

A little handball maybe?

"Okay. This isn't going well.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Oh, thank God.

"But I need you here so you'll
have to insist on staying."

Hmm.

All right, let's suck that way.

"Kenneth, I'm going to
have to ask you to leave."

Unh-unh. No. Don't wanna.

I think JJ's right.

Why would you want to stay
if he doesn't want you to?

Because this has been a
really fun... 15 minutes?!

Oh, yeah, I'll live-stream anything.

Birthday parties, funerals...

Actually one of my biggest videos

was "Cousin Baptism Rat-Tastrophe."

I saw that one!

So many rats!

Hey, anything for good content.

Speaking of... can you
look into this camera

and say "We're having a great date"?

This is a date?

This date rocks!

Dylan, there you are, dear.

- You're here with someone?
- Pfft, no. This is my brother.

Brother? Would a brother do this?

Hold on, you have a boyfriend?

No! He is not my boyfriend.

Not your boyfriend? Are
you breaking up with me?

Cut it out!

I swear! He's just my dumb brother.

Is that how you see me now?

Look, I'm not gonna give
up on you without a fight.

I met your parents!

They're your parents, too, Ray!

I'm gonna let you two work this out.

I like this guy, you
gotta send me a link.

Welcome home, business traveler.

Care to close one more
deal this afternoon?

It's... It's clear I don't mean me.

All right, maybe a hug.

Roses for sale.

Tonight, I'm going to
make sweet, sweet love

to my sweet, sweet lover.

Get out le cash.

- Give them the flowers.
- No, keep the accent.

Can we make money off
of every dumb thing I do?

Because that is a dangerous lesson.

Oh, hey, girlfriend.

We were just about to come serenade you.

No need, you won.

Connor's too weirded out.

Oh, nice. Scram.

And you never played
so I'm not paying you.

I underestimated you.

It's kind of cool, actually.

See? Your brother's
not so bad after all.

Okay, fine.

Maybe we can hang out a little bit.

Wanna do the photo booth?

Yeah, where is it?

Here it is.

Oh, wow.

Are these the props?

- Dylan!
- There's no photo booth, dummy.

Enjoy boat jail.

There is no such thing as boat jail!

Wait, is this a coat check?

You lock me in so many coat checks.

Dylan, you cannot trap
me in here forever.

No matter what it takes, I will escape!

For my love.

Oh, great. Thanks, Jimmy.

That's the last bouquet.

Well, that's the last sucker...

Customer.

Oh, that's the one you were saving.

Yeah, it's okay. It's fine.

This is what you wanted.

Stupid holiday anyway.

- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go back to work.

Okay. Bye.

- Loads of money!
- Yay.

- Oi.
- Happy?

You k*lled Jimmy Valentine.

And on the day named after him.

No, I didn't.

No, you're conflating

spending money with love, and that's...

Exactly what Jimmy does.

Everybody has a love language.

Jimmy's is giving expensive presents.

For him, giving to you is
the best gift he can get.

Oh, and I took that away from him.

Look, if you wanna talk more,

there's a Sbarro in terminal four.

My treat.

Who are you?

So, a quick recap of common ground...

We both are humans,
currently in this room.

We both saw a white bird this week,

but not sure it's the same one.

We both know guys named Frank.

Yeah, I know. Sidebar.

I'd planned so many
high-fives for this area.

"We're calling too many sidebars."

W... You called this sidebar!

Is this a sidebar
about too many sidebars?

Fine. No more "sidebars."

If there's a problem,
point to the semicolon.

Whatever you type next is for
me, I won't say it out loud.

"What if I want to use a semicolon?"

When do you use a semicolon?

"To connect two independent clauses."

I know what it's for...
Semicolon... you don't use it!

- JJ, I'm gonna go help out at the dance.
- What?

I know you guys went
to a lot of trouble,

and I really appreciate it,

um, but this has all been kind of weird.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Elvira wants to know if I'm up.

Say what you want about
Maya's adaptive clothing line.

It makes for a dramatic
end to a bad night.

You know, I get so used to our thing,

it never even occurred to
me how weird it might be

to, say, a child whose date I'm on.

"It occurred to me, but it
took me so long to get here.

Someone I like who likes me?

I was too afraid to do it without you."

Buddy, I love figuring
things out with you.

But this new love stuff?

Some of that, you're gonna
have to figure out on your own.

Okay, then.

Tonight was a bust, but next time...

"Not next time, semicolon.

Bring me to her, semi-colon.

Now. Semi... " Yeah, okay.

You are right. You use it all the time.

Please.

Finally got rid of my brother.

Oh. Hey, Dylan.

Uh, this is Rachel.

- Hi.
- Great.

Now your sister's here?

Ooh, she's not my sister.

But these girls are, right?

Nope. Yo, what is up, Connor Crew?

Connor here, making waves on the ocean.

I asked five hot ladies
out on a boat cruise

and oh, no, they all came!

It's a... quintuple date fail!

I'm just your content?

Uh, well, can you not say "content"?

I don't like my fans
seeing behind the curtain.

Seems a little less organic.

I locked my brother up for you!

Ray, you are a genius.

And, uh, that is how you do that.

Paging Jimmy DiMeo!

Your misplaced Valentine has been found

and is at baggage claim.

Ready to be showered with any gift,

no matter how impractical
or over-priced.

I want to give you your favorite gift,

the gift of extravagant giving.

- Am I gonna regret this?
- You bet!

Oh, good. You're here.

I saw that bird again.

JJ, hurry!

"Kenneth, I need you to stay here."

Man.

"Because we're leaving."

I love a good mislead.

Me, too.

All right.

There's hope for us.

You used me. For a dumb video.

If it helps, it's not like
you were special or anything.

I used all these girls.
And they're cool with it.

- Let's go dance.
- Okay, you're not going anywhere

until you delete that video.

If you guys think I really
biffed it up this time,

smash that like button!

Ouch. Sorry.

But that's what you get for
messing with the Connor Crew.

And that's what you get
for pushing my sister.

Are you okay?

Connor here! Good news...

I just got punched in the face!

Okay, we got to go
before we get in trouble.

Huh. Boat jail is real.

How stupidly expensive is this?

Extremely stupidly!

Thank you, Jimmy Valentine!

Look, money comes and money goes,

but what we have is forever.

Thank you for letting me celebrate it

in my ridiculous way.

And, hey, we will figure
out how to pay the mortgage.

Eh, we'll worry about that
last week when it was due!

"Tonight must have
been the weirdest date

you've ever been on."

Technically, it's the only one.

"Wait, am I the more
experienced one here?"

Yes.

Any pointers?

"Well, most dates have
a random guy there.

And there are usually more sidebars."

"I made Kenneth stay.

I was nervous about
being alone with you."

I was, too.

Well, if neither of us
knows what we're doing,

maybe we can make it up.

Maybe part of it can be getting alone?

"Check."

Hmm, it's a great start.

This is finally not weird.

JJ!

How... is the date... going?!

"Kenneth won't be our biggest problem."

Hi, Mrs. DiMeo!

I'm sorry about your hand.

But thanks for sticking up for me.

You're my sister.

That's my job.

Yeah, but...

I make it hard.

It's easy to defend
the sweet little sister.

But I tricked you out of a date,

abandoned you, locked you in a closet...

I got out.

And you still defended me.

You know, sometimes I think
you got the wrong sister.

But I got the right brother.

Dylan, when I purchased these tickets,

I pictured myself hearing
a certain affectionate

three-word phrase...

I was building to it, Ray.

You blew it.

Now we sit here.

- I love you, Dylan.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.