03x21 - THE S-T-A– STAIRCASE

[bunniefuu]

It came.

JJ's first college decision.

W-We can't inv*de his privacy...

Troy from college still e-mails you?

- Later! Open it!
- No! This is JJ's moment.

He'll be home in less
than an hour. We can wait.

Yeah.

Back in! We're comin' through!

It came... JJ's first decision.

Oh, God. But why is the screen

filled with my naked baby pictures?

Because it's embarrassing. Come on.

It came!

Later, clay boy.

Come on, you guys. Let's go.

Attention, Lafayette.

This is not a drill!

It came! This is not a drill!

Another powerful montage technique

is the community-gathering
march designed to rally the hero.

Your first college decision is in.

Hey, Long Beach Tech? My alma mater!

We wanted you to open it, JJ.

"In front of everyone?
What if I don't get in?"

Well, it's no big deal.

Could you just... Just
stop. Put them away.

- Yes!
- Yo!

Yes! Yes!

- Oh, my God!
- JJ's going to college!

Yes!

Yes!

Did no one film that?

JJ, I know you've got
your heart set on NYU,

but I want you to at least
consider the more affordable,

closer-to-home, and more
affordable Long Beach Tech.

"I hope you didn't
put a lot of effort..."

Point 1 of 54...

"E-mail all this to me.

I have to go get ready
to meet Izzy's parents.

Kenneth, thanks for the pointers."

Ah. It's my specialty.

My ex's dad still calls me.

Always inviting me out
hunting, rock climbing,

out fishing on a secluded
lake early in the mor...

Wait.

Is Marv trying to k*ll me?

JJ, I can help with that, too.

I know a lot about meeting parents.

I know a lot about "Meet the Parents."

Did you know that Randy
Newman did the score?

"E-mail me that too."

Why does that kid not
listen to me anymore?

LBTC is a good school.

He's only writing it off

because I'm the one pushing it.

I'm gonna go there and take
some videos to get him excited.

You want to join, alum?

Nah, I-I'm gonna go skydiving with Marv.

No, uh, I'm in.

Yeah, yeah.

Kids, can you please help me
talk some sense into your mom?

She wants me to go to
the Cerebral Palsy Awards.

Again, Cerebral Palsy Foundation.

No one said "awards."

You guys are nominated for a Palsie?

Not an award. And surely,

it wouldn't be called that if it were.

No, it's a nice event.

Fashion 4 All is supplying the clothing,

so they want to include us.

Melanie, I've been to these things.

It's just people getting dressed
up congratulating themselves.

Everyone's just clotting
each other's brumpets.

That can't be a real English thing.

I make them up sometimes, Ray.

Logan and I look forward
to this event every year.

You should bring JJ.

- Oh, well, that would make it fun.
- "Can't."

JJ's meeting Izzy's
parents for the first time,

- and he's being really smug about it.
- Hmm.

Well, would either of you
two like to come with me?

We all know I'm going.

I'm just making Melanie work for it

- so she owes me.
- Shouldn't that be subtext?

I don't really do subtext.

I'll go. JJ's going to college.

I want to move up in the power rankings.

I-I'll go too.

I don't want Ray getting
points if I'm not.

That's not really how family works.

You'll both get points... 35 each.

- For one day?!
- All right!

You guys are so screwed up.

Melanie, you should
really let that be subtext.

Ooh-ooh! Yo, JJ!

Welcome to LBTC!

Where for me, the L was for Ladies,

the B was for Basketball,

and C was for the
grade I had to maintain

to stay on the basketball
team to keep getting ladies.

- What about T?
- No, thanks. I just had some coffee.

Bam! Still works!

- May I start the tour?
- Please.

Ooh-ooh!

Last one.

Please keep your voices down

as we enter the Colonel Forbin Library.

JJ, it's brand-new.
Wasn't here when I was.

So, a little history...

The Forbin Library is 83 years old.

What?! No way! How'd I miss this?

- Shh!
- Sorry.

Oh, yeah. Good luck trying to top this!

Okay. Now let's head
to the science center,

with our 200-inch telescope.

Whaaa?!

JJ, you're here!

Little warning...

When I told Dad I was bringing
a boy home, it didn't go well.

I'm not sure what he has planned,

but he called the police this morning

to schedule a domestic disturbance.

"Okay. What should I do?"

Um... it's not like there's a rule book,

but be polite. Don't touch me.

Be firm with him, but let
him win every argument.

If he tells you to call him by
his first name, that is a test.

Do not do it. Wait. No, no, no, no, no.

- Hey, Dad.
- One second, honey. Yeah.

All right.

Let's meet this boyfriend
of yours, sweetheart.

Mom, Daddy, this is JJ.

Oh.

Oh!

Honey, this is JJ.

Yes, I see. Hi, JJ.

JJ, our daughter's told
us so much about you.

But she didn't say that you
had such a, uh, snazzy scooter.

"It's nice to meet you both.

I want you to know

I have the best intentions
with your daughter."

Aww.

Of course you do, pal!

Well, why don't we give
you kids some privacy, huh?

Honey, should we go out to dinner?

Sure!

Have fun, you two.

Bye!

What the hell was that?

"Them finding out I use a wheelchair?"

No. They'll be right back.

We're also gonna pick up that
grandfather clock in San Diego.

Ciao.

Man, JJ, this place is amazing!

I can't believe you
don't want to go here!

Hey. Kenneth, do you ever
think about coming back here

and finishing your degree?

You think I should?

Wait, are you actually
considering my input?

I'm sorry, this is for JJ.

I don't want to cop
your fatherly advice.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Cop away.

Y-You know what? New plan.

I-I've got everything I need for JJ.

Let's see if this place
has anything to offer

my favorite son...'s aide.

A chocolate fountain? Are you kidding?

- The Palsies rock!
- This isn't...

And, fortunately, my life's
been good enough that I...

Stop smiling. I'm just
grabbing the marshmallows

I jammed in your chair.

A butt touch is a butt touch, my love.

How long is this guy gonna go on for?

Did he bloody invent cerebral palsy?

And now please welcome a
special guest to the stage...

Logan Merriman!

W-W-What is... What is this?

What is he doing?

I know nothing about this.

I'm terrified! He's so odd.

He is so odd.

Aah! Get these out of here!

Gawd!

What a beaiful crowd, but
no one quite so beautiful

as my blessed mother.

- Aww.
- This is for her.

♪ Ave ♪

♪ Maria ♪

♪ Gratia plena ♪

♪ Maria Gratia ♪

That.

I want that.

I can't believe my dad.

I mean, you're no creep,
but he doesn't know that.

"I could be a creep. I have a van.

I tell girls I'm a director.

I got a grabby thing."

Ugh, you'd be a great creep!

I bet he wouldn't write you off

if he found us in my
bed when he got home.

"If that's what it
takes to fight prejudice,

I am willing to make the sacrifice."

Hmm. "Where's your bedroom?"

"Stairs. Why did it have to be stairs?"

Maybe we prove a point to my dad

in a less "break JJ" kind of way?

"I'm a DiMeo,

so two things drive
me... Love and spite.

This has both."

"Let's climb some stairs."

Okay. That's good.

Come on, JJ. I'll cheer you up there.

Should we just take the elevator?

It was a bad joke.

Almost there!

Ohh, that was me.

I blew the kiss too hard.

That was the most
beautiful display of love

for a mother I've ever seen.

My heart is just so... full.

All right, kids. Heads together.

How are we gonna fill Mommy's heart?

Uh, I can do some magic.

Ray, we want them to cry
for the right reasons.

Wasn't that performance wonderful?

It's a shame your son's not here.

Not here? What, you think her boy

was up there giving a concert

and my son wouldn't even be here?

There he is.

JJ, oh!

He sped off.

Get him here, 50 points.

Hey, Jimmy.

Would it be dumb if I got this?

Dumb how?

Oh, adorable.

Hey, could you take a
father-son photo for us?

Thanks.

Did I say his father?

Take the picture.

Anyone?

Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!

You, sir, in the front.

Yes! I got called on.

Do you know the answer?

No, I don't even know the subject.

Okay.

Hey, Izzy. Hope I'm not interrupting.

I-It's not the... The best time.

Well, I need you to get here now, JJ.

Mom needs you to do
the nonverbal equivalent

of singing "Ave Maria."

Uh, "Not happening."

JJ, it's me. I mean, what's so important

that you can't come down here...

"I'm going up to Izzy's room to..."

Sexualized JJ! Sexualized JJ!

- "Why is everyone against that?!"
- Ugh, yuck!

I think my dad

catching you on the third stair

still sends a very potent message.

Mm.

Okay, then we need help.

So, you came to Joyce.

Izzy, I've got it from here.

JJ, I am honored that you called.

And I will be discreet and gentle.

Now, I'm not a licensed sex surrogate,

but I'm not a licensed
physical therapist, either.

I-I-I think you misunderstood.

We want to get to my room.

He just needs your help
getting up the stairs.

Yeah.

Yeah. I know that.

Ah, but these stairs are carpeted.

I better take off my wood-stairs boots.

Mm.

So, we wanted to know what
re-enrolling would entail.

It's... It's been such a special day.

And Kenneth here is very excited.

Stop it. You're embarrassing me.

Kenneth Clements.

Okay, I see one who
attended from 1960 to 1963?

Look for the next one.

Okay. There is one in the '90s,

but you said you almost graduated.

He only completed three classes.

That can't be right.

Fail. Fail. Incomplete.

Kicked out for throwing a
basketball at a professor

while saying "Think fast."

Sure, I goofed off a little,

but when it came to deliver...

It says you walked out of one final

because you "saw a cool bird."

What kind of record is this?! What?

Now you're disappointed in me?

Like I should care! You're not my dad.

You know what? Forget it!

I don't even want to
go to this dumb school.

And you guys are just jealous
I got to see a cool bird.

It says here it was a crow.

All right, let me know if the stairs

are hurting your tushie,

'cause I can always bring
in my hemorrhoid pillow.

- I might have something.
- Okay.

Oh, here.

"My tushie?! I'm trying

to look cool in front of my girlfriend."

Oh. You want to look cool?

I got you fam.

Ohh, enough talk

about how much you understand
a woman's needs, JJ.

Just need to get my
arms underneath here...

Oh, my God, your abs!

Izzy, is there a stream up there?

'Cause you can do
laundry on this washboard.

Yeah, she's impressed.
Let's do this, JJ.

- Oh, yes! You're doing it!
- Yay!

Last one!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a stud! You did it!

Actually, there's...
there's one more snag.

You want to get all the
way up there for her?

She's worth it?

Enjoy being 18, sweetheart.

All right. Let's do it.

My JJ described a nightmare to me once

where he didn't come to this event.

And he woke up screaming.

And I ran in his room and
I held him in my arms...

At his request.

And I just said, "Baby, it was a dream."

So, you know, the singing was nice,

but that kind of terror?
I'll take it any day.

Mom. Can we talk to you?

He's not coming, is he?

We tried, Mom. I'm sorry.

Do you want a Logan butt marshmallow?

No, it's fine. It's silly.

One day, I know I'll get
to see JJ tell the world

how much he adores his mommy.

Of course, he's a man now.

He hasn't called me "Mommy" for years.

He called me "Maya" the other day.

I almost sawed my own head off.

Thanks for trying.

We have to do something about this.

At this point, we'd like to welcome

our sponsors from Fashion
4 All Adaptive Clothing.

Welcome to the stage Melanie
Hertzal and Maya DiMeo!

You know, I really don't feel like it.

Oh, come on. This is our big moment!

And let's also welcome to the stage

Logan Merriman and JJ DiMeo.

Ooh, JJ, darling, no, it's okay.

You don't have to come up.

- Stop it!
- You stop it!

You are the one who wanted
to do something about this!

- Come on.
- Oh, no,

that's all right,
darling. Go on, off you go.

Stop it. Sing your song for Mommy, JJ.

On second thought, you do
not have to come to the gala.

Stop! Dylan!

- Aah!
- Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

It's a miracle!

Thank you.

Thanks for helping out, Brad.

Yeah, no prob.

Your dad helped me move
that dresser last weekend.

Whoa, whoa. JJ's no dresser.

You know, if he was
a piece of furniture,

he's more like a love... seat.

Oh, love seat! That's real furniture.

It might be easier if I just cradle him.

Okay.

Upsy-daisy.

Oh. Damn, dude. You're light.

Oh, my. That is a man.

I mean, not, like, as opposed to anyone.

And whee!

Oh, wow. That was quite a production.

Thank you guys.

Are you okay?

"No.

I tried to show your dad that I'm a man.

I wound up showing you that I'm not."

Come on, Brad. I'll
give you a ride home.

Nah, it's a 30-second walk.

No, no. My home.

So you needed a little
help getting up here.

Everyone needs help sometimes.

You should see me ice skate.

"You should see me ice skate."

And he's funny?!

"Your dad was right.

I'm harmless."

That's not how I see you, JJ.

Okay, fine. It was hard
getting you up here,

but you're the only boy I want
to be up here with right now.

I do have one last argument.

"That's an excellent point."

Kenneth, I'm going through the motions

of looking for you in the apartment,

even though I'm pretty
sure you're in the hot tub.

What now, Dad? Should
I get out of the tub?

No, Kenneth.

Actually, how long have you...

No, sorry. Not your dad.

I am feeling pruny.

You were so excited
to go back to school.

What happened?

You saw my transcripts.

So you used to be a screw-up?

Jimmy, the guy you know,
JJ's aide, basketball coach...

That's the best me anyone's ever seen.

But this is ending.

I'm scared I'm gonna go
back to being that other guy.

I'm sorry if I pushed you too hard.

It just felt really nice

to have someone take
what I said seriously.

I did. I do.

If that's true...

...I think this would be good for you.

And whether you want
my support or not...

I believe in you.

You're good at this, Jimmy.

Thank you.

I'd like to get out and hug you now.

Hand me my suit.

Computer! Play the Eagles!

No computer, sweetie!

I just play the songs every time!

We're sorry, Mom.

Ray and I really screwed
things up for you.

You physically forced
me into the wheelchair.

What a couple of boobs we are.

No, it's my fault. I drove you to it.

There are probably even some
schools of parenting thought

that would frown on the very existence

- of the power rankings system.
- You think?

I don't even deserve this gift bag.

They didn't give out gift bags.

Oh, that was someone's purse, then.

Geez, did this woman hijack
a Burt's Bees shipment?

Ohh, I'm sorry I made
a scene today, Melanie.

Just seeing your son
up there, I wanted that.

Are you seriously comparing our kids?

I mean, if we're talking
about things we want,

I want my son to be too busy to
come to these kinds of things.

I want him to go to
college, have a girlfriend.

You say that,

but then he brings home a girl
who isn't exactly like you,

and it's actually very insulting.

But we're not comparing our kids.

JJ's soaring.

That should make you so proud.

I mean, it could make me jealous.

But I know better.

You should too.

You deserved a bit of
glory tonight, Melanie.

You are a great mother.

And you're a very good friend.

And, actually, there's really
only one way to thank you.

Please don't sing "Ave Maria."

Okay.

Izzy?

Why did we want to get caught?

I hope I'm seeing this wheelchair

at the bottom of the stairs
because JJ got raptured!

Um, okay. I'm... I'm
gonna roll you over, okay?

O-Okay. I'm gonna say it.

Your mom's pants are way too accessible.

I'm coming up there!

Okay.

Hi, Daddy!

What the... Kid,

if you don't get out of
my daughter's bed, I...

I'm not sure if this is offensive.

I'm gonna put my left
foot so far up your ass,

it'll win an Oscar
for portraying someone

with a disability!

- Dad!
- What?!

And you got 5 seconds, mister!

Five, four...

three and a half!

Oh, boy.

And if I ever see you in my house again,

you're a dead man!

You let me know if
I'm hurting you, okay?

I should put you through a wall!

Don't worry. I got you.

Dining halls, ooh-ooh!

Memorial to the founder's
dead son, ooh-ooh!

Yeah, it's not great. I know.

I did it, Jimmy. I sent it in.

A new chapter begins.

Thanks to you.

Oh, my Kenneth.

I am so proud of you.

You're the greatest dad
I didn't know I needed.

Don't understand that. Don't care.

Darling, I missed you today, JJ.

But you were busy, and I'm glad.

"Meeting Izzy's parents went great.

Your Fashion 4 All pants really helped."

- "You're the best, Mom."
- Aww.

You're happy, and
that's music to my ears.

But wait, why are your
pants on backwards?

Oi, oi, oi!

Why are your pants on backwards?!

JJ! Why are your pants on backwards?!