01x15 - Relationship Jack

[bunniefuu]

Okay, since we have a lot of work to do,

let's start with your interruptions.

So, last night, where'd you party?

Who'd you make out with?
What bird att*cked you?

Oxygen Bar. Bathroom attendant.

Oh, I am banned from that pet store.

♪ Who wants a box of free stuff? ♪

♪ I've got a box of free stuff. ♪

Yes. Boop, boop.

I enjoyed that more than I should have.

So it turns out everyone wants a piece

of our “Adventure Destination”"
issue, so sponsors are

flooding us with free products.

Yes, it's the forbidden dance
between journalism and commerce.

Like two nervous lovers,

hungrily pawing each
other in a tattered futon.

That's, like, straight from my diary.

Yes, you left it in the men's room.

Now, you all know that the
“Adventure Destinations” issue

is our biggest revenue generator,

second only to our “Sexiest
Sherpas” calendar.

Oh, I would love to see what's
hiding under that tee-tung.

Right. So, uh, let's have at it.

All right, so you all work
on product integration,

and I will come up with a
feature idea this weekend.

It's a big, big...

big responsibility.

Oh.

Yes. Don't forget your thesaurus.

What about a story on the best place

to use this exotic bird caller?

[makes goofy bird call]

That's a funnel so female
hikers can urinate standing up.

Why would anyone ever use this?

Oh, there you are.

Okay, I have a lot of work this weekend,

but I scheduled three
hours for us tonight,

so, do you want to have sex
before we go to the restaurant,

or just hope we get an Uber driver

who's willing to look the other way?

First of all, we are never
gonna find another driver

as cool as Bogdan.

And slow down on the plans.

You don't always have to be the man.

[chuckles] That's not what
my mom said after Dad left.

I'm just saying, Eddie
is gone for the weekend.

What if I told you Con
Air is about to start?

It is?

Well, technically, Con Air
is always about to start.

Anyway, here.

Sit. Here we go.

[groans]

[sighs]

So... now what?

What just happened?

I just spent straight hours with you,

and I don't want to m*rder you.

[gasps]

That's Jack speak for “I love you”

[chuckles]

I don't want to m*rder you, either.

- Well, I don't want to m*rder you.
- [laughs]

Just your nose. Just your nose.

- Don't...
- Hey, guys.

Whoa, looks like you haven't

moved off that couch all weekend.

We haven't.

Except for most of our bathroom breaks.

Most?

Oh, hey, I hope you don't mind,

but I snagged some of your blankies.

No problem.

Did you say “blankies”?

No. That doesn't sound
like anything I would say,

you silly goose.

[laughs]

Oh.

My bad.

Hey, excuse me, won't you?

[laughs]

- JACK: You're a silly goose.
- [laughing]

We have a problem.

Relationship Jack...

is back.

[eagle screeches]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

Hey, Esther. How was your weekend?

Ugh. I got kicked out of
laser tag for playing topless,

so I keyed every car in the parking lot.

Mm-hmm.

Then what happened?

You've never asked me
a follow-up question.

I don't know what to do right now.

Here's what you do: have a lovely day.

Hello, cub reporters!

ROLAND: Um,

Jack, you and I need to hop on that call

to our Moscow-based law firm

of Stoli, Smirnoff and,
uh... Kirkland Signature.

Come on.

I received a rather distressing
call from Edward last night.

Oh.

Did he butt-dial you
from spin class again?

No.

Worse.

Jack, you know how much I
admire your passion as a lover.

It's cool.

Totally normal way to start
a Monday morning meeting.

But I wouldn't want it to get in the way

of your true love... Productivity.

You know, you must admit that

sometimes passion gets the best of you.

Yes, I know

I've gotten distracted in the past,

but that's not gonna happen this time.

Excellent.

So, uh, what feature ideas

did you come up with over the weekend?

Okay, this is gonna contradict
the thing I just said.

Uh, I got nothing.

I spent the weekend with Rachel
just living that snug life.

But I promise to stay late
tonight and-and get it all done.

Thank you.

All I've ever wanted
is what's best for me.

I think you meant to say...

I know what I said.

BROOKE: Aw.

Look at those two cuddled up
like they're in the second half

of an erectile dysfunction commercial.

- It's sweet, isn't it?
- Oh, no.

We are not rooting for this.

That is Relationship Jack.

He's a nightmare, and a liar!

So, what's wrong with Jack being happy?

Everything Jack Gordon
does, he does %,

whether it's at the office, in love,

or, for three months, Scientology.

EDDIE: But when he gets
that obsessed with one thing,

like a relationship...

Everything else suffers.

His relationships,
his-his... the magazine.

Um, I don't know why I'm listing it out.

I said “everything else,” hmm?

Worst of all, that kind of
intensity scares people off.

That's why his old girlfriend
Jessie cheated on him.

That's also why he got
kicked out of Scientology.

Mm. We have to

get him to find some kind of balance.

Otherwise, he's headed for a heartache.

And more importantly,

the magazine's adventure
issue is doomed.

I didn't sound dire enough.

The adventure issue is doomed!

Come on. Jack's an adult.

I'm sure he can be in a relationship

and do his job at the same time.

I know, I know. I didn't
get you those feature ideas,

but I have a great excuse.

She's five-foot-three and
made of unicorn giggles.

So, are you gonna get those
ideas to us by tomorrow?

Eddie, I need a bottle
of your finest shampers.

One glass, two straws.

You see, Jack is our apex predator.

But he's been tamed like
a, like a circus lion,

or Amanda Bynes when she
was taken off Twitter.

And that could upset our
entire office ecosystem.

And so if talking to him
won't work, what do we do?

Well, in the wild, you
stoke a predator's bloodlust

by threatening its dominance.

So we should confront
Jack with a weaker animal.

W-Why you guys looking at me?

Is my mom's lipstick on my face again?

Clark, you must directly challenge Jack

- in his own territory.
- [sighs]

So, come on, in the chair.

In his chair. Oh, I don't...
don't know if I should, Roland.

[sighs]

Oh, Mommy, that's the stuff.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

I made breakfast in bed for Rachel.

One thing led to another,
and before you know it,

we're watching Bar Rescue.

End this madness.

Jack, we have a lot to do, so I
started the meeting without you.

And you're gonna sit over
there where I normally do.

All right.

Your assignment is to make this
“Destination Adventure” issue

an out-of-the-park slam dunk.

From here on in, I
will manage everything.

So how does that make you feel, Jack?

I'll tell you how that makes me feel.

Hmm?

Proud. You are a lifesaver, Clark.

If you step up around the
office, that'll give me

more time to plan something
for Rachel's half-birthday.

It's exactly six months from today!

Brooke, um,

you and I need to hop
onto that call, uh,

to the Mexican law firm of
Cuervo, Cazadores and, uh...

...Kirkland Signature.

I guess, in the meantime,
someone should start ranking

those Costa Rican tree house hotels?

I can do that.

[sighs]

And I could use a cup
of coffee, mostly milk.

Sure.

[gasps]

Nice try, chair.

There's a new ass in town.

Wow, Dad, I haven't been at
one of your secret day drinks

since I was, like, .

[chuckles]

Yeah, I do still feel bad about

bringing that up at the custody hearing.

Yeah.

Uh, now, what are we
gonna do about Jack?

Well, Jack is a predator
who's been domesticated.

I mean, maybe we need to return
him to his natural habitat.

Yes, of course, but I'm afraid

the Counting Crows
aren't touring anymore.

No, but I have a better idea.

You're just gonna have to trust me.

Yes, that's what you said
before the custody hearing.

Jack! We've got exciting news.

So do I. I'm buying a bread maker.

Ugh.

So our “Adventure Destination”
issue needs something big,

and what could be bigger than

“Jack Gordon Returns
to the Outdoors”?

We're sending you back into the field.

But I thought that wasn't in the budget.

Well, I could probably
divert some emergency funds

that I was going to invest in a,

in a build-your-own-teddy-bear store.

Well, how will this work?

Well, it's really simple.

The customer chooses a teddy bear,

and then they can add little boots

and scarves and rollerblades.

Look, you know that I would love

to go back in the field, but
I can't just take off now.

I'm really happy right now,
so I'm gonna have to pass.

Okay, I've thought about it some more.

Can you make two teddy
bears sewn into a hug?

Get out.

Oh, Jack. I didn't know
you were home today.

Are you alone?

A man in love is never alone.

Rachel's taking a poop.

I told her she could
leave the door open,

but she said, “We're not there yet.”

Yeah, I've told you the same thing.

Shouldn't you be at work?

I'm noodling on some feature ideas

from home today with
Rachy-Rache and the Huggy Bunch.

Look, be in love,

but don't lose sight of everything else.

I won't.

The Jack Gordon inspiration machine

runs best on heart juice.

I want to hurt you so very badly.

All right, my dears, now, I
realize that Jack is taking

some personal time, but it's
important that we forge ahead.

So let's just pretend he d*ed.

Guys, is it really true

we can't get anything done without Jack?

It's stranger, though, because usually

when-when an apex predator
like Jack leaves an ecosystem,

then an invasive species
will fill the void.

[elevator bell dings]

Morning, Esther.

Morning, Jack.

All right, Clark Scouts,

today you earn your merit
badges in not sucking.

Hey, Clark, we...

Holy crap.

Have you been working out?

Where are your glasses?

Don't need 'em anymore.

I'm seeing things a
lot more clearly now.

Also, I put in my 'tacts.

Now, work assignments. Bam!

Kayaking in the Amazon.
Do not disappoint me.

Okay, Dad. I mean Jack.
I mean Clark. Whoa.

A lot to unpack there.

Whap!

Riding sea turtles in the Galapagos.

Dazzle me, baby doll.

That's sexist...

but okay.

BROOKE: Okay, great,
that's two articles,

but what am I supposed
to tell our sponsors

about the rest of the issue?

You know, with Jack gone,
I've got twice as much work...

Oh, my God.

Your fingers are a miracle.

So Clark's hot now.

[sighs]: Oh!

Oh, I thought it was just me.

It's like he doesn't
care what anyone thinks.

And that makes me want
to know what he thinks.

I can't stop staring at his butt.

Since he massaged me, it's...

it's like I can see
colors for the first time.

I never saw Clark as a sexual,

or even a physical being,

but now... ooh, boy.

And let's not forget about his butt!

All right, time to focus on the issue.

Jack is a lost cause.

Say that to my face, four-eyes.

Ah, two-eyes. You look good.

I know you guys have had
your doubts about me lately,

but it's not like I've
forgotten how to do my job.

In fact, I have come up
with the perfect feature idea

for our “Adventure
Destinations” issue.

Well, that's wonderful!

Jack, I-I need you to know
that despite the numerous calls,

the certified letters, and
the threatened legal action,

I never once doubted you.

Risk plus courage

equals adventure.

Okay. Strong stuff.

But the best adventure
is one that is shared.

With that special someone.

Oh, crap.

Why go anywhere when you can cuddle

with your better half
and turn that vacation...

Don't say it.

...into a stay-cuddle-cation?

[all groan]

Jack, for once, I'm...
I am lost for words.

Well, I got two of them: total suckage.

Clark, that's so mean.

Don't stop.

Well, maybe when you guys find love,

you'll understand.

Jack, I'm engaged.

I've been married six times...

Wait, wait, no.

Yeah, six times.

Maybe I'm the only one
here who's truly happy,

because I'm living my life
out loud, unapologetically.

[all groan]

That's it, you are off this issue.

Off?

You're dismissing me?

Damn right I am.

You are a disgrace
to rugged masculinity.

You don't even deserve this beard.

The joke's on you.

I don't really need this anymore.

Rachel's my beard now.

We all heard that, right?

E'rybody chill.

I can handle all of
Jack's 'sponsibilities.

So you're gonna edit the entire magazine

and write a feature from scratch?

In hours?

[snorts] I can do it in eight.

Seven, if I don't get too distracted.

Clark, I don't want to cast doubt

on your leadership instincts,
but do you have any?

Not a one, Ro-Ro. [chuckles]

Not a one.

Beep-a-beep-a-bada.

You know, I've always fancied myself

as a hopeless romantic,

but the sight of Jack
in love makes me want to

punch myself in the
groin until I vomit blood.

Ah, here comes the foul temptress now.

If you're looking for your
big spoon, he's upstairs.

Oh, I know exactly where he is, thanks.

I needed a breather, so I snuck out

while he was looking
for a pair of sweatpants

big enough for us to share.

Wait, so you're sick of
Relationship Jack already?

I just wanted him to
focus on us a little more.

I didn't know I was
unleashing the Cuddle Kraken.

We've got to do something.

Agreed.

Usually I would let a wild species

evolve on its own, but screw that noise.

I say we drug Jack,
take him to the woods,

and reprogram him.

I was gonna suggest having
a serious talk with him.

Fine, we'll do it the hard way.

Oh, hey.

It looks like someone drafted
my fantasy snuggle team.

We need to talk to you, Jack.

You haven't been yourself lately.

You promised you'd try and
find some kind of balance,

but instead, once again,
you've hurled your entire being

into one thing.

Maybe don't call me a thing.

It's not just Relationship Jack

we've had to deal with over the years.

There have been so many obsessive Jacks.

Yeah, there was Swing Dancing Jack...

Burning Man Jack...

Oh, and let's not forget the
celebrity gambling phase...

Jack Black Blackjack Jack.

All right, so I'm a little obsessive.

But when I find something I'm
passionate about, I go all-in.

And because of that, it never ends well.

But you know what the
saddest Jack of all is?

Post-relationship Jack.

Oh, my God.

That was right after your
old girlfriend Jessie left.

Look at how miserable that guy is.

And see how bloated he is.

H-How much weight did I gain?

Enough for your neck
to develop side-boobs,

but that's not really important.

The point is that you...
you neglected your job

and your friends for
Jessie, so when she left,

you had nothing.

I'm doing that again.

Why?

Why am I so puffy?

I love that you are all-in on us,

but what if you were % less in?

Because I don't want you
to lose all the things

that made me fall for
you in the first place.

I'm sorry.

I haven't been a great
friend or coworker,

and you deserve the best,
most tolerant version of me.

Not the guy who looks like patient-zero

for lactose intolerance.

Clark, the issue goes
live in minutes.

You promised you'd cover
the feature article.

I promised a lot of things, little lady.

Okay, you do realize that
just saying things confidently

isn't a replacement
for actual leadership?

You bet your ass I do.

CLARK: Oh, Jack!

You here to pitch an article
about the most exotic places

for a man to pee sitting down?

I really appreciate what
you've done for me this week.

You've shown a lot of guts.

Now... please get the
hell out of my chair.

[sighs]

Thank God. That did not feel right.

Back to being a couple links
further down the food chain.

Welcome home, Clarky.

BOTH: Aw.

All right, here's the feature.

“Jack Gordon Hits Five
Continents in Five Days.”

I'm gonna live-journal the
entire trip, which starts now.

Emma, Mason, I need you to
create an interactive tracker.

Oh, like when you order pizza online.

Except the pizza's you.

The pizza's always me.

So will we ever see cool Clark again?

Depends on who's looking for him...

sugar boobs.

Oh, my God!

Jack, for the record, it
was nice to see you happy.

Just not that happy.

I know. I appreciate that.

And I appreciate the
magazine paying for Rachel

to join me on two of
the five continents.

- We're doing what?
- Yeah.

It's a working va-cuddle-cation. Bye!