01x19 - Ricky Leaks

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Esther. Is the
Internet back up yet?

No. I'm getting zero
connection on my nanny cam.

Wait, you have a kid?

No, for my nanny.

I have no idea what she does
all day when I'm not there.

Probably trying to chew
through the restraints?

Hey, guys.

Thank you for all the
articles you submitted.

I looked them over and
decided to get you coffees.

Sweetheart alert.

Because we are gonna stay
here and improve your articles

by starting from scratch.

Come on, Jack, it's Friday
night. They all have plans.

Yeah, I'm supposed to go
visit my sick Aunt Becky.

And Greg and I are going to
an event at the planetarium.

No way. I am also going to that thing.

You're going to my boyfriend's
high school reunion?

Sh... yeah...

None of us are going to Greg's reunion.

Outdoor Limits has standards,

which are not being met by articles like

“Nature Has Geysers,
But What About Girlsers?”

But we can't work tonight.

The Internet's down.

Is it even safe to be in
this building right now?

The Internet is down
because Brooke refuses

to tell our I.T. guy
that he sucks at his job.

Come on, that's a bit harsh.

You're right. Someone look up
a nicer word than “sucks.”

Oh, that's right, we
can't. The Internet's down

because he sucks at his job.

His name is Ricky, and he's
trying as hard as he can.

To do what? Smell like vegetable
soup and touch your hair?

Because those are the
only things he's good at.

All right, Ricky might
be an incompetent weirdo

who lords his job over
everyone, but bear in mind,

I just described every I.T. guy ever.

Hey, everybody.

Just fixed your Internet.

- MASON: Rick!
- Ricardo!

I-I don't smell soup.

Y-You've been up there
the whole time, have you?

- Yeah.
- A-And you heard, uh...

- Every word.
- Right.

Every word.

Brooke, I left behind a lucrative career

in revenge p*rn to work
here, because you assured me

this was a family environment.

We are a family,

and I'm sorry, and none of
that was on his résumé.

No. I want an apology from Jack.

Ricky, I'm sorry...

Thank you. ...but
that's not gonna happen

because you are terrible at your job.

You know what?

I quit.

You all have grossly underestimated me.

Until Jack tells me he's
sorry, you'll all be sorry.

BROOKE: Oh, nice one, Jack.

You've just lost us our
I.T. guy and three staplers.

Why would you say those things?

Because it was the truth.

And it tickled me.

Well, we would never say
anything bad about anyone.

Look, I am direct with people

because it helps them get better.

Now, you write better articles,

and Brooke can pick a better I.T. guy,

and Ricky can get back to,

I assume, collecting
eyelashes in women's restrooms.

[phones chiming and buzzing]

MALE VOICE: You've got mail.

You're still on AOL?

Name another place that you
can get your own e-mail address

for less than $ . a month.

Oh, it's from Ricky.

“Apologize, or this
won't be the last.”

It's a huge batch of
our personal e-mails

from the work server.

EMMA: So now any of us

can read what any of
us has written about...

any of us?

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

EMMA, CLARK and MASON: Wait. Why
did you say, “Oh, God”?

Well, Jack. Thanks to you,
we are now the victims of...

Ricky Leaks.

We're not gonna actually
call it that, are we?

[eagle screeches]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

Okay, so we were all just sent a batch

of each other's personal e-mails.

This is a bit of a
sticky situation... ooh.

Sticky Leaks.

No. Take that back.

Guys, what is there to worry about?

I would never write anything I
wouldn't say to someone's face.

And you guys never make
fun of anyone, right?

- EMMA: Right.
- Of course not.

Clark's a sweet boy.

Well, then, there's nothing here to see.

So let's just delete Ricky's e-mail,

and focus on what's really
embarrassing: your work.

He's right, guys.

I mean, what do we have
to hide from each other,

other than... orange soda?

[gasps]

Yeah.

We're totally fine.

Except for Operation Jail Break.

Right. Hi.

But also there's...

Emma, I need to speak to
you in private immediately.

After you, milady.

[chuckles]

Crap!

I talked about how I'm in
love with Emma in an e-mail.

- Who was the e-mail to?
- My barber.

Former barber.

Something about boundaries.

Clark, what the hell?
What was that about?

I don't know. What was
“orange soda” about?

Seems like we've all
got something to hide.

Question is, which one
of us is crazy enough

to make the first move?

Well, I know I'm curious.

So let's do this like Christmas Eve.

Everyone gets to open one e-mail.

No. No.

No, no, no.

We have too much work to do.

Joke's on you, I was
wearing my glasses...

Damn it.

E-mails.

Drag them to your trash.

Now.

Now, Brooke and I will
go get you guys dinner,

while you rewrite the articles.

- Esther!
- Yeah.

[shouts]

Uh, any of these guys try
to leave, light them up.

Ah, that's okay, Jack. I brought my own.

EDDIE: An e-mail scandal.

I can only imagine all the stuff
everyone wrote about old Eddie.

[laughs] Wow.

Oh, I don't think anyone...

Hey, don't tell me.

Okay, tell me one thing
they said about me.

Oh. No, we trashed the file

before we read the e-mails.

Sure you did.

[chuckles]

You couldn't have just
apologized to Ricky, could you?

Oh, no, I-I could've.

You don't always have
to be brutally honest.

I mean, do you know how I got the
title of “Cool Beans Boss”?

Who told you that?

'Cause it was very cruel.

It's because I pay
attention to their feelings

and I've earned their trust.

Why do you think Mason opened up
to me about his sick Aunt Becky?

- I'll stick to telling the truth.
- Really?

Well, you seem to go out
of your way to hide the fact

that we once slept together.

And, frankly, I just
want to see Clark's face.

[laughs]

Doesn't count, wasn't work.

Eh, it was a little bit of work.

Okay, so I get a little floppy

when I mix rum and
over-the-counter nasal spray.

Oh, you were also on that
combination in the morning.

[chuckles]

So.

What did people say about me?

All right, across the
board, everyone agrees.

You're really good at slicing limes.

Okay, cool.

[elevator bell dings]

Esther, what are you doing?

I told you to keep an eye on everyone.

I was, and then I heard
there was a juicy e-mail leak.

Did you know that Brooke
is Roland's daughter?

BROOKE: Jack, when you told these guys

to put their e-mails in the trash,

you did make sure they
emptied their trash?

I'm suddenly realizing I don't
know much about computers.

Guys, did you read the electronic mails?

Why don't you ask

the narc who rats me out to Brooke

every time I'm late to work?

Tough talk from the
woman who e-mailed Clark

about how cheap I am,

just because sometimes I
return milk after trying it out.

CLARK: Well, I found out

“orange soda” was
a clever, secret code

for something that actually
meant... orange soda.

Mason took an unfortunate
photo of me opening a can...

...and ever since then,

these two have been e-mailing each other

hilarious Photoshopped pictures.

Guys, it is unacceptable that
you spend work hours on this,

and not share it with me, I mean...

Are you honestly enjoying this?

Oh, big-time.

You see, the Muppet Babies here

act all high and
mighty, but it turns out,

they're even more critical
of each other than I am.

They just share it
behind each other's backs,

which is so much worse.

Incoming call from RickyThelTGuy.

Uh, Emma, I actually remember

what I wanted to talk to you about,

so if we could just go this way.

[chuckles] After you, milady.

Jack! You have got to apologize to Ricky

before he releases something

that makes Emma realize I like her.

I'm not gonna lie to Ricky
about how sorry I feel

just to support your kindergarten crush.

So you won't do this one thing for me?

Because I can't have Emma
see what I wrote to my barber.

[gasps] Or my dentist.

Clark, what is happening?

Greetings.

I hope you all enjoyed

my expl*sive e-mail dump.

Had to be a better way to say that.

Are you ready to apologize, Gordon?

Not a chance.

Outdoor Limits does
not negotiate with t*rrorists

or guys that look like
butterscotch Abe Lincoln.

That's it!

My next dump is about to commence,

and I promise you, it is
way bigger than my last dump.

Do you not hear how gross you sound?

[phones chiming and buzzing]

MALE VOICE: You've got mail.

Okay, no one check those e-mails.

We've already learned
enough hurtful stuff

about each other for one day.

No, let's get it out in the open

and put it behind us.

Everybody dig in.

[exhales] No sign of my barber.

[chuckles] Guys, we gonna be all right.

Emma makes more money than me?

I've been working here
way longer than you.

You think I'm the weak
link on our kickball team?

You guys have a kickball team?

Yes.

Let it all out.

I am growing stronger.

You guys talk about how many
times a day I say “literally”?

You guys have a list of reasons

why Emma might be the Zodiac k*ller?

I never responded to
that friendly Nigerian's

money-making proposal?

Okay, I am stopping this.

Thank you. Thank you.
And don't encourage them.

You wouldn't want to hear
this stuff about yourself.

Look, if that's how people really feel,

- I'd be glad to know it.
- Okay.

Read this one. “Jack's a Disappointment”

Oh, crap.

I don't think this is a good idea.

You know what is a good idea?

Let's rub magnets on
all of our computers!

- Sent from Clark.
- Clark Mackatu?

The security guard? That
guy is a loose cannon.

I'm just gonna turn
this thing off and...

“Always been my dream to
work under Jack Gordon”

Dude, this better not turn erotic.

“And his criticism has
made me a better writer”

Esther, where are those magnets?!

“But you see, Mother,"

“he only cares about my
work when it benefits him."

“That selfish jerk would
never do a thing for me."

“P.S. To respond to
your original e-mail,"

"I would go with the blue bikini”"

Jack, I know how that sounded...

N-No, you're right.

That blue bikini was slammin'.

But you wrote all this
other stuff a long time ago.

True dat, true dat.

But, uh, a minute ago, I asked
for your help and you refused,

so I kind of have to agree
with Past Clark on this one.

Clark, it's fine. I'm not
one of those people that can

[voice breaking]: dish
it out but can't take it.

See you later.

Guys, Jack may not be
as cool beans as I am,

but he still deserves the
same amount of respect.

Hang on. “Operation Jail Break:

“Top Fifty Ways to Get Brooke

- to Give You a Day Off”?
- MASON: Uh, so it's settled!

We'll delete all the e-mails

and put this terrible day behind us.

To Clark and Emma from Mason.

Mason Mackatu?

The security guard?

“Number one, invent a sick aunt.”

You lied to me.

No! Aunt Becky is very
real and totally sick.

“Number six, laugh way too hard

at her jokes.”

You're a monster.

[laughing]

A monster? Girl, you are too much!

You've obviously been
taking advantage of me.

I just hope you stocked
up on cool beans,

'cause you are cut off.

Okay, who started the
“cool beans” thing?

This e-mail dump has
exposed the worst in us.

I can't believe we pissed
off both our bosses.

Mom was right. The
only things I'm good at

are state capitals and
chasing away father figures.

Maybe Jack has a point...

We shouldn't be keeping our
thoughts from each other.

Definitely. No more secrets.

Agreed, with the obvious
caveats: Facebook passwords,

ATM pins, deep romantic obsessions...

EMMA: No, Clark.

We need to get it all out in the open.

I'll go first.

Mason, I know it annoys
you when I'm late to work,

but there is a reason.

You can tell us. We're all friends.

The reason is Greg...

loves...

morning sex.

[groans] Oh!

- He just, like, needs me...
- [strained]: Cool!

...on him. That's so
dope. Keep on going.

Uh, guys, the reason I am so cheap

is because I put most of
my money towards Aunt Becky.

- Aw.
- Aw.

Who is not a person.

- Aw?
- Aw?

Aunt Becky is the
name of my party pontoon boat.

I bought her last month, and I
wanted to tell you guys earlier,

but my boat friends can be
a little obnoxious sometimes.

And, well, you know
how boat friends can be.

All right, Clark, you're up.

Tell us a work secret we don't know.

Hmm, work secrets...

Secrets at work! [grunts]

Come on, Clark, give us
something we don't know.

Okay. Fine.

I...

love...

Something special

for a fan.

I can't believe those little twerps

have been taking advantage of me.

Yeah, and I can't believe
Clark thinks I'm selfish

and wouldn't do anything for him.

I always thought it was
best to learn the truth,

until it hurt someone
I truly care about...

me.

Well, at least you're not a doormat.

Maybe I need a little
bit of you inside me.

You know the drill. We're
gonna have to switch to mojitos.

No, you know what I mean.

We can't let those kids
get the better of us.

I need to toughen up, and
you need to be more sensitive

to their feelings.

So I need a little bit
of you inside of me.

Which, as I told you at the retreat,

I'm totally down with.

If this is what you say out loud,

what is your inner monologue?

Oh, that's easy. It's the fiddle solo

from “The Devil Went
Down to Georgia.”

Clark Bombshell Secret Number ...

...I am legally blind.

Emma, get Ricky on the computer phone.

Wait a second.

Aunt Becky is a boat?

[laughing]

A boat!

Girl, you too much.

But you just told me she
is real and she is sick.

Yeah. She's a real boat,
and she is the sickest.

Wait, so I sent flowers to a boat?

And my boat friends adored them.

Well, well, well, well.

Look who came crawling back.

Well, Ricky, it's hard to apologize

to a guy who looks like
the one uptight employee

at a weed dispensary.

But I'm sorry. I-I didn't
think about your feelings.

Oh, and I'd like to count
that as a blanket apology.

[laughs]

Ricky wins!

No, I will not keep it down!

Do you know what, Ricky?

I'm not sorry.

[groaning]

This may hurt your
feelings, but it's the truth.

You have a bad attitude, you
were terrible at your job,

and I know you made
a doll out of my hair.

Wow, Brooke.

Your straightforward approach has...

truly shown me the error of my...

Just kidding.

Prepare for my final dump.

[phones chiming]

MALE VOICE: You've got mail.

[chuckles]

Brooke, what did you just do?

What I should have done a long
time ago: stand up for myself.

So you can tell your Aunt
Becky you won't be visiting her

for a while, 'cause you'll be
catching up on your missed work

over the next eight weekends.

But it's prime pontoon boat season!

Oh, thank God. No new e-mails from me.

Whoa. Check out this
one from Mason to Roland.

“His crush on her is bad."

“I'm worried it's
getting in the way of work."

“I just saw him smell her
sweater after she left the room,"

"and he's been drawing
cartoons of them kissing.”

Yikes, that's a restraining
order waiting to happen.

Who is this creeper?

Wait,

what's going on, Clark?

[exhales] So,

- this is...
- The creeper's me.

Uh, it's embarrassing,

but it-it's time to come clean.

The e-mail's about me.

And Brooke.

It is?

It is!

A few years back, we hooked
up at a company retreat.

It was a magical night

with absolutely no performance issues.

Most of that statement's true.

So what is this e-mail about?

Well, uh, I developed a
bit of a crush on Brooke.

And, I mean, I mean, who wouldn't?

I mean, she's a perfect
combination of Lara Croft

and a sexy librarian
who knows QuickBooks.

So you smell Brooke's sweater
when she's not in the room?

Yes.

Yes, I do that.

But it's okay.

- We're-we're all good now.
- Yeah.

That's right. It's all in the past.

As is this.

We are starting with a clean slate.

No more grudges, no secrets.

Thanks for taking that
truth b*llet for me.

Hey, I've been hard on you,

so I just want to say I'm sorry...

- It's okay, Jack.
- ...that you're such a baby.

So, going forward,

I'm gonna be more sensitive
to your little baby bottom.

Hey, guys, we got work to do.

That was very sweet, Jack.

For someone who insists
on telling the truth,

those lies came pretty easy.

Brooke, um,

I lie to you all the time.

Peace out, Cool Beans.