01x20 - The Heartbreaker

[bunniefuu]

Man! I love this show.

Yeah. They're so pretty.

I don't even care if
they're little liars.

[sighs]

All right, it's early,

we're two single dudes in Chicago...

You know what we should do?

Ah, yeah.

Binge season three.

I can't think of a better way

to celebrate my six-month
divorce-iversary.

You know, when you give it a fun name,

it actually makes it sadder.

No, that's it,

let's get you back out there.

I don't know. I've still got
Denise's voice in my head.

And, Jack...

she's mean.

Come on, where's that famous,
unearned Eddie swagger?

Get up. Get up.

All right, turn around.

Let me see that caboose.

All right, now, give
me the heartbreaker.

Oh... oh-ho.

I am committing a crime
against single women

by keeping you locked up,

watching admittedly complex teen dramas.

Eddie, you are the best guy I know,

so go put on a pair of pants
that don't tie in the front,

'cause this is your night.

We're going out. You name the place.

Well, I guess you did
technically name the place.

I feel safe here in my own bar.

Ironic, given your blatant
disregard for building codes.

Are you ready?

Yeah. I might have a
few tricks up my sleeve.

No, Eddie. No magic.

Magic is a gimmick.

You're a cool guy...
You don't need gimmicks.

I have a dove in my pants.

No tricks.

Just follow my lead.

Ladies.

If you're having a good time tonight,

you can thank this
guy... He owns the place.

Really?

Yeah.

Technically, my ex-wife owns
half, but joke's on her...

Haven't made a profit
since December. [laughs]

[laughing loudly]

Isn't he hilarious?

I didn't have sex for the last
four months of my marriage.

[Eddie laughing]

[quietly]: Release the dove.

Release it!

♪ ♪

CLARK: Jack.

I think we finally figured out a way

to save the California condor.

Screw the condor, he had his
sh*t! [dramatic music plays]

Our destinies have led us
to a much higher calling.

Today, this ragtag bunch of
misfits need to band together

to get Eddie laid. [music stops]

Okay, but I'm gonna type up
what I remember about the condor

just so we have it.

[eagle screeches]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

Why can't Eddie hook up on
his own? He's a middle-aged,

divorced man who lives with
his roommate above a bar.

Oh, okay, I get it now.

And his ex-wife is still in his head.

She was really critical of him,
so, whenever he gets nervous,

he starts ripping on himself.

And that's when the magic happens.

ALL: Ooh.

No, I mean actual magic.

ALL: Ew.

I feel like if I can
just help Eddie get a win

he'll finally get over Denise.

I would offer my mom, but
what if it doesn't work out?

I'm not ready to lose
a dad as great as Eddie!

And it's gonna be all your fault, Clark.

Mason, you're a...

st-century guy.

A contemporary gentleman around town.

An open-minded gadfly.

You're doing a lot of work to
not say the word “bisexual.”

Well, since you brought it up, uh...

have you ever come across any nice girls

at one of your hedonistic orgies?

That's not how it works.

Well, actually, once a
month it is how it works.

But I got no one.

Emma.

Hmm?

Sorry, I can't focus on anything.

I think I'm gonna break up with Greg.

[beatboxing]

Fine, waste a perfectly hot track.

Wow, so, Emma, you're
finally breaking up with Greg.

Yeah, I'm just bored.

We never do anything.

It's like dating a really hot tree.

Yeah, but, what about Greg?

Uh, we won't be seeing him anymore.

Uh, I feel like I should
have a say in this.

Oh, no, you got coffee on your shirt.

Better get you cleaned
up in the kitchen.

That's okay, it's a dark shirt,

don't worry about it.

And yogurt.

[through teeth]: Get
cleaned up in the kitchen.

I really don't mind. So about Greg...

Oh, my God, go to the kitchen!

Dude, stop worrying about Greg.

But he's become one of my best friends.

This is gonna destroy him.

You've had a crush on
Emma for a year now,

and she's finally gonna be single.

I know, and I really like her.

It's just... this isn't
how I imagined it happening.

Well, wait, how did you
imagine it happening?

I don't know.

Greg would die.

What?

How?

I don't know.

A parasailing accident,
while the three of us

are on their honeymoon?

Okay, why are you on their honeymoon?

Oh, my God, I don't know.

I'm already in Puerto Vallarta
to officiate their wedding,

but, with Greg dead, Emma turns
to me for emotional support.

And I'm a famous race car driver,

but like I said, Mason, I don't know.

Look, you need to stop worrying
about how other people feel.

I'll make sure Emma
breaks up with Greg tonight

so you can finally make your move.

Isn't there an option
where nobody gets hurt

and we all stay friends forever?

No.

Come on, whose happiness
is more important?

Greg's or Clark's?

[sighs] You're right.

Greg's.

Jack, I adore Eddie, please let me help.

I have some amazing single friends.

Fine, break out the Hufflepuff yearbook

and let's start sorting.

Me and my b*tches are
straight up Ravenclaw.

And, I'll have you know, I
have two ladies who are perfect.

Look, I'm sure these are handsome women

who like to say their cats
rescued them... holy crap!

Eddie will take one and I'll
take the other as a finder's fee.

Tell you what, I'll have
Chloe and Allie meet you guys.

Ah, maybe Paul and I will come, too.

It's been awhile since we've gone out.

Oh, that makes sense after

they closed the
all-night apple sauce bar.

What happened to you? Didn't you
steal a fire truck in college?

No, it was a police t*nk.

[sighs]

That's just not me anymore.

Besides, Paul and I were
up pretty late last night.

He had a chocolate
espresso bean after :

and it kicked his restless
leg syndrome into overdrive.

Brooke, why do you give me details

that I will undoubtedly
use against you later?

Emma, stop wasting time.

You need to break up with Greg
in a mature and direct way.

Just send him a text
and say, “Ya dumped.”

No, we've been together

for three months.

That's like a year.

I owe it to Greg to do it in person...

over the phone.

Why isn't he answering?

What could he be doing
that's more important

than taking my call?

You happy, champ? Mm-hmm.

Yeah?

You just want anything
else, you let me know, okay?

Today's all about you.

What-What are you, my step-dad?

I wish. [laughs]

We should do this every week.

Hey.

Let's not talk about the future.

[phone chimes]

- Oh, it's Emma.
- Oh...

you can answer that, or...

we could go play paintball.

[laughs]

Clark, you had me at paintball.

Which I realize is
the last word you said.

♪ ♪

This looks like one
of those fancy places

where the bartenders wash their hands.

[chuckles]

How'd you find out about it?

I can't remember, it was probably Mason,

my bisexual friend.

Or as I like to call him, my friend.

Jack, Eddie, it's me,

it's Paul.

Eddie, you remember
Paul, the -year-old boy

who made a wish on a Zoltar
machine and woke up big.

Eddie, put her there.

Gotcha, no can do.

Are you waiting for
your falcons to return?

Close, carpal tunnel.

But when jicama's in season,
I just can't stop juicing.

BROOKE: Oh, this is Chloe,

and this is Allie.

- Eddie.
- Hey.

Last time I saw you,

we were getting our stories straight

in the back of that Virginia
state trooper's car. [gasps]

BOTH: “I swear officer, we
thought it was powdered sugar.”

[laughter]

Classic.

What was it? Was it baking soda?

I-It was... a-a
different time in my life.

[laughs]

Uh, so, Eddie, Brooke
tells me you own a bar.

Yeah, it's called “Eddie's”.

Um... you have something
behind your ear.

[coins clattering]

It's a stray hair.

Oh.

Let me get that.

That's better.

Okay.

I'll get this party started.

Miss, Fanta, please.

Got it. Five Fantas.

No...

And you thought you'd
never get over Denise.

Look at you now, man.

I know, this feels amazing.

Hot girls, bottle service,

great music, my ex-wife.

Hi, Eddie.

Happy divorce-iversary!

EDDIE: Denise, what are you doing here?

I'm celebrating with the
rest of my law firm.

We just won a case using
an obscure legal loophole

that might just get cigarette
machines back in high schools.

[Jack chuckles]

That's terrific.

Are you vacationing from hell for long?

And you're still hanging
out with this dummy.

I am an award-winning writer.

Why do you always say I'm dumb?

Because you're dumb,
and you do dumb things,

like bring my ex-husband
to the same club

I've been posting about on Facebook.

Oh, that's how I
learned about this place!

It's good to see you, Eddie.

I'm actually single again.

Oh, me too.

Wait, that's your fault.

Sorry to interrupt,

but my very classy
friends are fighting over

who gets to break
Eddie's headboard first.

Yeah.

And Denise, I assume you have

to get back to making
Dalmatians into a coat?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! All
I wanted was one Fanta!

Got it. Ten more Fantas.

No.

Maybe I should just get out of here.

No. This is perfect.

Chloe likes you, and now
Denise has a front-row seat.

Don't worry about this. I got your back.

My only job tonight is to make
sure you go home with Chloe.

So, Chloe...

Want to fool around in the coat room?

Eddie, you remember Allie?

I thought you said Chloe was...

No. Allie.

I think, uh, Chloe's a bit of a prude.

Look, I'll see you in
there. Start stretching.

Brooke, uh,

Eddie's getting a little
rattled that Denise is here,

so we need to keep him focused
on Allie and having fun.

We need booze immediately.

This may not work,
but I'll give it a go.

[with Valley girl accent]: Oh,
my God, you guys are so tall.

Are you, like, an NBA team? [laughs]

We should totally party together.

You are so funny. [laughs]

I'm gonna take this, okay?

[laughing]

This should help.

How do you know how to do that?

Oh, please. A decade ago,

I would have come back
with their watches.

Eddie?

Why don't you make Allie
one of your legendary drinks?

Thanks, Jack. You're a good friend.

I'm always here for you, buddy.

Except for the next six to eight minutes

while I help Chloe
look for her car keys.

A prude and forgetful?

I really dodged a b*llet
on that one. Mm-hmm.

Ugh. Greg's still not answering.

Why don't you just track his
phone and see where he's at?

Because usually it's just a zigzag

between different Cold Stone Creameries,

but what the hell?

He's at some abandoned warehouse.

[gasps] Is he trespassing?

Without me?

[paintball g*nshots] Time out!

Oh, it's Emma again.

[sh*t]

Sorry,

cutie.

That's why they call me “Killshot.”

[rapid f*ring, groaning]

What's going on?

He's been at rental places

for paddle boats,
bikes and roller blades?

Hate to say it, but
he's either on a date,

or in a ' s gum commercial.

I don't think Greg would cheat on me.

No one ever thinks
they're being cheated on.

So doesn't the fact that

you think he isn't prove
that he actually is?

Don't think about it.
Just react emotionally.

Oh, my God, you're right!

If you don't hurry up,
he'll dump you first!

[gasps] My perfect record! Let's go.

[dance music playing]

All right, everybody, do
you know what time it is?

It's : , minutes until Blue Bloods.

No. It's a quarter past sh*ts.

Oh. [laughs]

Oh. Honey, honey, it's like this.

[grunts]

Who are you?

JACK: Hey.

Eddie's working his magic.

- Oh.
- No, no. As in, he's not doing any.

- Oh! So it's going well?
- Yeah.

[clearing her throat]

Denise. My favorite succubus.

Which is a supernatural
temptress from folklore.

I know about it from not being dumb.

Succubus. I'm impressed. Spell it.

Ss... Uh... Ss.

My... my brain's a little scrambled.

I just had sex.

Relax. I just wanted to
say good-bye to Eddie.

Oh, I'll tell him for you.

I know you need to get
back to luring children

into your gingerbread house.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

[laughs] Well, I know who you are.

The bitch who's ruining
the first solid buzz

I've had in four years.

Ignore her. She's on club dr*gs.

Oh.

Look, I know

a gypsy curse took away
your ability to feel,

but Eddie's having a hard
time getting past the divorce,

and you being here is not helping.

I didn't know that he
was, uh, still stuck on me.

Okay. I'll go.

Succubus. S-U-C-C-U-B-U-S. Ah!

Next time I see her, I'm
gonna spell it in her face!

Jack?

Goblin mistress is up to something.

You should have just
let me head-butt her.

Brooke, sweetheart, what-what...
what has gotten into you?

Six sh*ts of Fireball and a pill

with a picture of Garfield on it.

I'm sorry, Paul.

I'll admit, it's been fun
dusting off my old moves.

But don't worry.

- It's all just to help Eddie.
- Okay.

Have fun and be safe.

I'm gonna head home.

There's a melatonin
gummy with my name on it.

- Mmm.
- All right, honey.

I'll see you later...
for aggressive, drunk sex.

Sounds great. Gotcha.

I'm terrified by that.
Please don't make me.

Hey, uh, where's Eddie?

Actually, he left.

He got an emergency text,
and said he had to go.

Denise texted Eddie. They
must have left together!

We better stop him
before he makes a mistake.

- Let me pay the bill.
- Ah. I'll deal with that.

[giggling]

[with Valley girl voice]: Oh, my
God, do you guys work out? [laughs]

Wouldn't it be funny
if you paid our check?

[laughs]

[normal voice]: Okay, let's go.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, I'm such a bad friend.

I tried to get Eddie over Denise,

but just ended up sending him back

to the same two-bedroom apartment

where she digests her prey.

Reminds me of when I had sex

with your friend
tonight in the coat room.

What do those two things
have to do with each other?

Nothing, I just had to brag to someone.

MAN [over intercom]: Hello?

Oh, hey, Eddie, it's Jack.

I'm sorry that I pushed
you to go out tonight.

You weren't ready, and that's on me.

But that is no reason for
you to go crawling back

to that coil of snake
shaped like a person.

Yeah, Eddie, you deserve better.

It's true. She never accepted you

for the great guy you already are,

or me, for the great
speller I've always been.

Yeah, look, you
shouldn't be with someone

who makes you feel like you have to hide

a part of who you are.

Yeah, take it from Brooke,

the closeted party girl,

who shut down an entire
part of her personality

for a guy who called tilapia
“the fun white fish.”

Mine is a very different situation.

It's not... treat her
as a cautionary tale.

I did not change who I was,

I just stopped doing things I found fun

because I was worried Paul wouldn't.

Oh, crap.

You're wasting your time, dummy.

Denise...

Succubus... S-U-B... Oh, son of a bitch!

You also have the wrong apartment,

but I'm sure the Ethiopian family in

appreciates your life lessons.

MAN [over intercom]:
Brooke, you deserve someone

who loves all of you.

Eddie's not even here.

He left after he told
me off outside the club.

He did? What did he say?

Some empowered speech about

how he never should have changed for me,

he deserved better.

And then he stuck out his
butt, looked over his shoulder

and bit his finger.

He hit you with the heartbreaker.

So I was right.

Getting him to go out
was exactly what he needed

to get over you.

I'm a genius.

Do you want me to help
you solve your problem?

Oh, Paul and I should probably talk.

Just the two of us.

Yeah, I think that
works out for the best,

'cause my Uber's here.

Are you Marvin?

You're gonna have to
ride in the front seat,

'cause Marvin looks like a talker.

Yeah. Nailed it!

Chest bump!

Ugh. Bubble soccer.

MASON: I think that's Greg.

EMMA: And look at his slut with those

milky white legs.

I'd know those milky
white legs anywhere.

Hey, thank you so much.

This has been the best day of my life.

Mine, too, buddy.

I just wish we had more time.

Why do you keep talking like that?

Am I dying?

Worse.

Emma's breaking up with you.

What?

You hid this from me all day?

How dare you cheat on me with this...

Clark?

This is not what it looks like.

You're breaking up with me?

You told him?

Guys, we're all adults
here. Let's not...

Clark, you're supposed to be my friend.

Whose side are you on?

Yours, definitely yours.

But also Greg's.

MASON: What is wrong with you?!

Since it's so hard for
Clark to choose between us,

you can have him.

No, you can have him.

You okay, Clark?

I just wanted to stay
friends with everyone,

but I screwed it all up.

Come on, champ,

let's get you some ice cream.

Eddie, oh...

I'm so sorry about tonight.

But tomorrow we're gonna go

to a really cool birthday
party for... Denise.

Nope, still on her Facebook.

It's all good, Jack. You meant well,

but you had the order wrong.

I didn't need a girl to get over Denise.

You needed to get over Denise

- so you could...
- Eddie...

Oh, hey, Jack... Jack.

Allie.

You got the four of
diamonds on your thigh.

That was my card.

How the hell did that happen?

Well, after I told Denise off,

I went back inside, but
you and Brooke had run off.

So I busted out some street magic,

and next thing you know,

I released the dove.