01x21 - Roland's Secret

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, Esther. How you doing?
- Ugh!

Mondays, am I right?

It's Wednesday.

Not where I am.

You scare me.

Hi, guys. Where's Emma?

She's sick. Check out her Instagram.

JACK: Ugh!

Why would anyone post a photo
of themselves looking like that?

You've never looked
that good in your life!

Sorry. I get real defensive over Emma.

Yeah. One time I made fun of
her sweater and he struck me.

JACK: Well, with any luck,

that'll be the most disturbing thing

I see all day.

[yells]

Jack, it's me. It's Paul.

I'm here at your office.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize

it was Take Your Daughter-Like
Fiancée To Work Day.

Uh, Jack, quick favor.

I'm gonna be sneaking out
a bit over the next few days

with Paul, so can you cover for
me so my dad doesn't find out?

We're interviewing marriage counselors.

Or I guess, in our case,
pre-marriage counselors.

[laughs] Weird thing to joke about.

Oh, no. I'm sorry to
hear there are problems

in the little house with
the round door in the shire

where you guys live.

Well, we're just being proactive.

You know, getting ahead
of any potential issues

before the wedding next month.

Yeah, cream or ivory tablecloths.

Yeah, string quartet
versus string quintet.

Sure, let's just have one cello,

and completely ignore
the entire Baroque period.

Guests won't notice
that. Gotcha, they will.

Wow. With fighting this passionate,

the make-up hug must be mind-blowing.

Sorry. I just... I just want
the wedding to be perfect.

After all, it is my special day.

Anyway, I just don't want my dad
to find out we're in counseling.

It would be a difficult conversation

and he is not great at those.

Can you have my back on this one?

Brooke, you know that I
would do anything for you two.

Oh. To stop talking.

Yes, I have your back.

Oh, Paul.

What an absolutely neutral surprise.

Eh, to what do we owe the
vague pleasure of your company?

Oh, uh, well, we, um...

Paul went to a butterfly pavilion,

and dropped by to
give us a blow-by-blow.

I require no further information.

Jack, uh, mind if you
accompany me to Edward's Bar?

There's a potential investor
I'd really like you to meet.

You want to leave the office to
drink at : in the morning?

You have a problem.

Let's talk about it over drinks.

It is so great that Emma's sick.

Now I can finally make my move.

Dude, you've been stalling for a year,

and now you want to go after Emma?

Look at her.

She looks like she was
coughed up by a bigger Emma.

Oh, she looks like a newborn calf.

More importantly, she's
still pissed at you

for hanging out with her
ex-boyfriend behind her back.

Come on, she's over
that, and I have a plan.

It involves a story about another guy

who landed a grade A piece of tail

that was way out of his league.

- Please don't say your mom.
- My mom.

[laughs]: See, my dad is
not attractive, no way.

But when my mom got the
flu, he finally won her over

by showing up at her door
and bringing her soup.

So that's exactly how I'm
gonna win over the girl

who's way out of my league.

Dude, Emma's not way out of your league.

You need to stop
overthinking every move.

Let her see you for the awesome,

bravely asthmatic guy you really are.

So, just be myself?

Nah, sounds dicey.

I'm just gonna stick to my plan.

If it worked for a Detroit
sewer monster like my father,

it's gonna work for me.

Sheryl's firm invests
in different companies

all around the country.

I made my money the old-fashioned way:

by finding pirate gold.

ROLAND: Sheryl's led an amazing life.

She's a world traveler, double Ph.D.,

and the passionate
conservationist, aren't you?

Oh, I dabble in some light
environmental justice.

You zip line

onto the deck of one
Japanese whaling vessel,

- and suddenly, you're a legend.
- Hmm.

She's your standard

billionaire playgirl by
day, and a fearless vigilante

- by night.
- Hmm.

Cool. So...

she's Batman.

[phone ringing]

Oh, sorry. I have to take this.

Hello, Elon.

Well,

have you tried turning the rocket off,

and then turning it back on again?

So,

what do you think of Sheryl?

She's incredible, and if it
weren't for that huge rock

on her finger, I'd say you
should ask her to marry you.

I did.

But she has a husband.

Yes, I married Sheryl.

Oh, my God, you married Batman?

Wait. How did Brooke
take it when you told her?

Ah, um, not well at all...

I imagine.

I don't want to tell my
daughter about my wife

until I'm sure it's serious.

I assume you've got my back on this.

On keeping your quickie
marriage hidden from Brooke?

I need, like, nine seconds
to think about that.

[eagle screeches]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

Thought about it. You need to tell her.

Why? There are lots of things
Brooke doesn't know about me.

She doesn't know that
I lost her in Kenya

for a week when she was two,

or what really happened
to her favorite pony.

I only meant to teach it a lesson.

But marriage is a big deal.

Oh, not really. I've
done it seven times.

Wow. Way to keep pace with
the Rocky franchise.

The thing is, you know,
Brooke has never approved

of my quick marriages.

And, um, I rather fear it'll
be the same way with, um, um...

- Sheryl.
- Sheryl, yes. I know.

You need to tell her.

Tell who what?

Tell Brooke that he married you.

Why don't you come up to
the office and meet Brooke?

Your daughter? I'd love to.

Oh, but first, I have to
go discuss fur trafficking

with the police commissioner.

[gasps] The commissioner.
She is the Batman.

Come on, I-I'll walk you out.

Welp, first Brooke, now Roland.

Looks like everyone's come

to old Jackie Gordo with their problems.

Maybe you can help me with my problem.

I have a friend who gives
himself sad nicknames.

Here's to foolishly putting
yourself in the middle

- of a family dispute.
- Yeah.

Even I can't wait to
see how I nail this one.

Just one question about telling
Brooke I got married again.

Can you do it?

- No!
- Oh,

but Brooke always disapproves
of my impulsive marriages.

And when she's angry,

I always feel I have
to take responsibility

for my own actions, and you know,

that's just not a good fit for me.

Hi. Welcome to Soup Yourself. I'm Nikki.

Hi, Nikki. I'm Clark.

I have a soup-related
hypothetical for you.

Let's say you were a soup.

[chuckles] I love this game already.

And you want to soothe
someone with a nasty head cold.

What kind of soup would you be?

Well, most people would
say chicken noodle,

but I like to think outside the bowl.

- [giggles]
- [laughs]

BOTH: Outside the bowl!

Oh, God, there's two of them.

I can't give out soup prescriptions

without knowing who it's for.

[clicks tongue] Is it for a girlfriend?

Uh, no! Just a coworker.

Clark here is single, owns
his own successful podcast,

and he's fluent in four other languages.

Uh, making friends in
English was hard. [chuckles]

Well, you're good at making
friends in soup shops,

and I'm single, too.

Well, you got to get out more.

You're not gonna meet
a guy in a soup shop.

You know what?

I'm just gonna take all the soups.

All the soups?! No one's
ever done that before.

Well, one person has,

but he was robbing us at gunpoint.

Dude, she likes you.

You know, you're totally charming

when you're not forcing things.

Bro, she's a soup gal.

Of course she's gonna flirt.

It's all part of the fantasy.

No. I'm serious.

This is the you you need to show Emma.

Relaxed, spontaneous.

Here you go, Clark Kent.

Thanks, Souper Girl.

[giggles]

Here, I wrote down my
number for you, just in case.

Oh, thanks...

but I'm sure we're gonna have
no complaints about the soup.

I'll explain it to him in the car.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Whatever news my dad has better be good.

Paul and I got into a fight.

We couldn't even agree
on a marriage counselor.

Oh, that's exactly the kind of problem

a marriage counselor
could help you with.

What an ironic kick in the ass.

I told Paul we should think about

postponing the wedding again

until we've sorted everything out.

Ah. I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I'm here for you.

That said, um, are you
someone that likes to hear

bad news in bunches?

I just don't understand
how anyone gets married.

I want to strangle anyone
that has an easy time of it.

Well, good thing that doesn't
describe anyone in this room.

- Brooke?
- Damn it.

This is gonna come

as something of a surprise, but...

Roland m*rder*d your pony.

Two can play at that game.

I also lost you in
Kenya when you were two.

Jack, I did not m*rder Brooke's pony.

I honestly thought that pool cover

could hold Brownie's weight.

I'm sorry. I-I realize that
now is not the right time

to tell Brooke that
you got married again.

But this morning, you
told me I had to tell her.

You can't change horses midstream.

Oh, Brownie.

Look, you picked me as your confidante,

so trust me when I tell you, do
the opposite of what I told you

the last time I said “trust me”

But what about Sheryl?
She's coming by the office.

Oh, just tell her now's not a
good time. She'll understand.

- Do you think she will?
- I don't know her.

Neither do I.

So if I just follow my plan,
it should go just as well for me

as it did for my troll-faced dad.

You don't need a plan.

You can be charming on your own.

I saw it with soup girl.

I think I'm gonna stick to what's worked

nine out of ten times
in my imagination, kiddo.

So when Emma answers the door,

she'll say,

[in Southern accent]: “Soup?

Why, Clark, thank you kindly.

I finally realize what a catch you are”

Have you ever heard Emma talk?

And then, I'm gonna cock my hip and say,

[in Southern accent]:
“Girl, it's about time

you figured that out”

Oh, no. I look disgusting.

Girl, it's about time
you figured that out.

Uh, Clark brought you
soup. Isn't that sweet?

Thanks, but you should go.
I just coughed up something

that looked like it
was wearing a fur hat.

But I brought soup.

Don't you want to invite me in

and/or see me in a different light?

No. Honestly, I don't
want to see you at all.

I told you I was breaking
up with my boyfriend,

and you went behind my back
and told him everything.

Yeah, because I felt bad for Greg.

You should have had my back.

You're one of my closest friends.

At least, I thought you were.

I'm sorry.

I forgot the soup.

Are you okay?

Not really.

I did exactly what
my hideous father did.

Why didn't it work?

Maybe you were so focused on
trying to be Emma's boyfriend,

you lost sight of just being her friend.

Also, at some point,

you might want to see a
therapist about your dad.

My dad?

Whoa. Where is this coming from?

Brooke, there's a lady here to see you.

Oh, is it the couples counselor
Paul wanted me to meet?

I don't know who she
is or what she wants.

You're really nailing
this receptionist thing.

[sighs]

Oh. I'm Sheryl.

You must be Brooke.

Seems a bit intimate,

[laughs]: but I guess we can hug.

Wow. I can really see him in you.

Yeah. Not often enough, I think
that's part of the problem.

Oh, um, my dad's coming.

Um, do you mind if I just
pretend that you're my friend?

I'd like to think I am your friend.

[laughs nervously] Okay, pace yourself.

Um, Dad, hi. Uh, this is Sheryl.

We're friends.

Well, I'm sorry, I should have

introduced you earlier, Sugar Bear.

BOTH: That's okay.

Might want to diversify those pet names.

Wait. So, you're familiar with Sheryl?

Biblically. [chuckles]

And I'm so glad you two are talking.

Well, nothing's settled.
I-I don't mean to be crass,

but I need to talk to Paul

about whether she's worth $ an hour.

Excuse me, she's not that kind of woman.

And even if she was,
it's my money to spend.

BOTH: What?

Oh, crap.

Uh, hey, uh, just
throwing this out there:

how about we all walk
opposite directions

before more information comes out.

Brooke, I'm sure you're gonna
love Sheryl as much as I do.

[purrs, laughs]

Okay, Dad. Why did you just

[purrs] up my marriage counselor's bum?

Because he's a pervert, yeah, yeah.

Let's all start walking.

Whee. Look at that.

Because I'm his wife.

You married my marriage counselor?

You're in marriage counseling?

You're also a marriage counselor?

What can't you do?

LEWIS: I'm Dr. Lewis.

I'm here to see Brooke Huxley.

It's about time you showed up, Doc.

Lashing out at authority figures.

Some latent issues
with your absent father?

She's very good.

You got married again! I can't
believe you didn't tell me.

She has the right to be upset.

The same way you didn't tell me

that you and Paul are in counseling.

And he's just grasping at straws.

I'm sorry, who's Paul?

Paul is a little wooden
boy who wished on a star,

and now has sex with Brooke.

And you knew he got married?

Yes, but I told him to tell you.

And then he told me not to tell you.

Seriously?

Yes, but you were very upset

about possibly postponing your wedding.

Again?

Good Lord, how much longer
are you gonna put it off for?

It's a wedding, not a,
not a lifelong commitment.

You said you had my back.

I do have your back. What about my back?

I have all backs. Why is
everyone jumping on me?

Just because I
aggressively pushed myself

into the middle of this?

That doesn't seem fair!

Jack does have a point.

It seems you should be
talking to each other, not him.

I agree with the caped
crusader over here.

Yeah. Well, she should
just stay out of it.

Uh, she has a name

and it's, uh...

BOTH: Sheryl.

I was pausing for emphasis.

Guys, this seems pretty intense,
but I-I think I have a solution.

Okay. You stand here.

Right.

And you stand here.

Now, work it out for yourselves.

- Wait a minute.
- Jack!

This is not funny.

ROLAND: Let us out! [doorknob rattles]

BROOKE: Open the door, Jack.

No one is coming out of there

until you have a difficult conversation.

Here. This knot might work better.

Wow. Are you in the
market for a sidekick?

'Cause I will order us some capes.

Ah. Well, if they think
we're gonna resolve

our differences in
here, they can forget it!

Yeah, you're darn right!

I cannot believe you would be

irresponsible enough
to get married again.

I am not irresponsible.

I have always loved
the women I've married.

Even...

ugh, number three. [drink pours]

I wish you wouldn't call Mum that.

It's better to be too
bold than too cautious.

If you are talking about Paul and me,

then, yes, we may
postpone the wedding again.

But it's mostly logistics.

You've been engaged for four years!

That's-that's a Summer Olympics.

And a Winter Olympics.

And another Summer Olympics.

Why does it upset you so much
that we're taking our time?

Because I'm afraid
you're living your life

as a reaction to the way I lived mine.

- It's ridiculous.
- Is it?

You've seen the mistakes I've made,

and so you're trying to play
it safe with your relationship.

And that can be as big a mistake.

I'm worried. It just got quiet.

Maybe they figured out how to
escape through the air vents.

Roland can fit into some tight spaces

when he's oiled up.

I require no further information.

Is it really so bad

that I want to be
completely sure about Paul?

Darling, there is no such
thing as completely sure.

Love is a risk.

And beautiful things
can come from risks.

Your mother and I had you.

Yes.

Then we had a fight, which
ended in our chalet in Aspen

burning to the ground.

But the point is: mistakes are worth it.

[laughs] Thanks.

Wait. You told me that fire started

when Brownie Two kicked over a lantern.

[crying]: Oh, Brownie Two.

[grunts]

- Jack, just let me untie it.
- No, you rest.

You've got a whole night of
crime-fighting ahead of you.

[rope snaps]

Oh, darling.

You used my wedding gift.

Mmm, I did.

So, did you two work everything out?

We did.

Well, it's been a rough day,
but I think we can all agree,

old Jackie Gordo did it again.

Is he always like this?

It grieves me to say so.

Emma! Oh, you look fantastic.

Thanks.

That viral meningitis got me
back to my high school weight.

Look. I-I got to tell you something,

and I wrote it down
so I don't mess it up.

“Emma, I am so sorry.

You are one of my closest friends, too.

And I was so focused on other plans

that I completely lost sight of that.

But from now on, I
will always have your back.

Now go in for the hug unless
she tries to run away"

Damn it, that was in
brackets for a reason.

I'm sorry for snapping
at you. It's weird.

I'm usually super chill
on that much cough syrup.

Hey, Clark.

Look who I ran into at the soup store,

where I was definitely buying soup

and not waiting for her shift to end.

Hey, Souper Girl.

What's up, Clark Kent?

Emma, this is Nikki.

She helped me pick out your soup.

Not really. He picked all the soup.

Everyone's still talking
about it. [giggles]

[laughs] Who wouldn't
want to buy all the soup

from a face like that?

Now, want to watch me
order all the beers?

[gasps] Clark, you wouldn't.

[giggles]

Wow.

Clark can be really charming
in a Clark-y kind of way.

Never thought about it before,

but bet he'd make a great boyfriend.

Girl, it's about time
you figured that out.

So, I used my grappling hook

to escape through the ceiling,

and still made it to the
Governor's Ball right on time.

[laughs]

EDDIE: Everyone seems happy.

Looks like you worked your magic,

old Jackie Gordo.

Man, when you say it,
it almost sounds stupid.

Uh, so,

I've been thinking a lot about us,

and... let's just do it.

Join that coed cribbage league?

No. Get married. As soon as we can.

So what if we still have questions?

Let's just take that risk, okay?

All I need is you and
me and an officiant.

And a hair and makeup
person. I'm not an animal.

Well, I, um...

I think we should postpone.

What?

PAUL: Yeah. You were right.

We-we have a lot to work out.

So, let's take the time to make sure.

About everything.

- Well, I don't...
- No, no, I insist.

And-and you know what? Who knows?

Maybe I'll come around
to ivory tablecloths.

Gotcha, they're an abomination.

I think this is for the best.

Okay.

Okay.

Couldn't help but overhear. I'm sorry.

Um, I'm sure you two will work it out.

Gotcha, it's - right now.

Too soon.

But thanks.

Too soon.