02x14 - Sadie Hawkins Day

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZING)

(expl*si*n)

Football, gymnastics,
discus,

basketball...

Oh, yeah, and of course,
Ultimate Frisbee.

TWITTY: What doesn't
your brother do?

Uh...

It's kind of like
you're George Pitt.

George Pitt?

Yeah, you know, if, like Brad Pitt
had a younger brother

and even if, you know

you did all these great
things on your own

it really wouldn't make a difference
'cause you'd never match up

to all your brother's
accomplishments.

Thank you, man,
no, really, thanks

is there any... is there anything
else you want to say to me?

Yeah, your life stinks.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Windsprints, anyone?

Uh, yeah.

I know we should be out
there doing windsprints

like everybody else

but he was feeling
lightheaded

-Like...
-So I was just assisting him.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

You were trying
to cut P.E., Stevens...

something your brother Donnie
never did when he was here.

Noses on the wall,
both of you!

You know, Stevens

tomorrow afternoon

when I enshrine your brother
into our hall of fame

I was thinking of starting off
with a little story.

It was years ago,
and I was working yard duty

at Brookwell Elementary
when I noticed

this raven-haired kindergarten
kid playing tetherball

with the fifth graders

and quite frankly,
putting them to shame.

(GROANING)

Have a nice run?

Yeah.

Beans, what are you
doing in our house?

My house is boring.

You look thirsty.

Yeah, I am actually
kind of thirsty.

(HUMMING)

Thanks, that's so sweet
and convenient, too.

-You want to join me?
-No, thanks.

I prefer to watch.

-Bottoms up.
-Yeah.

Well, it's been swell.

I don't think so.

I'm sorry. Is there a problem?

(YELLING)

Yeah, there you go, Dale,
good job.

Whoo!

Dig your shoulder into that.

What's up, Lou?

W... wait a second.
This is my mattress!

No, no, this is
my mattress, seriously!

Ah! Mitchell! Yeah!

What are you doing?

Don't you think I need
something to sleep on?!

-That is my mattress.
-Lou, we'll have it back by tonight.

No, no, look.
You're knocking

-the stuffing out of my mattre...
-We're trying to, baby!

(SCREAMING)

-Whoo!
-Way to go, Donnie, yeah!

That's the way to hit it.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(PANTING)

Son, is there a problem?

And... and before you answer,
you should know

I have a flight to Chicago
in minutes.

Oh, that's... that's dandy, Dad.
Look at my mattress!

There's drool and... and

shoulder sweat and
grass stains...

and none of it's mine.

Settle down, son.
Now, what seems to be the problem?

Donnie.

He uses my, my
toothbrush to clean

his football cleats.

He steals the Canadian bacon

off the top of the pizza.

He ruined my mattress

and he's getting this award
tomorrow after school.

Louis...

I get the picture.

Lou, I had four
brothers of my own

and I know what
it's like.

You wanted that
last sausage

you had to fight
for it.

Right.

I felt like I couldn't
take it anymore.

You know what
my dad did?

-What?
-Nothing.

See you in
a couple days.

Now, wait... wait
a second, Dad.

Louis, sort it out.
Set your own boundaries.

Dad...

Would you grab
that for me, son?

Yeah.

Uh, uh, Dad, you might
want to have...

(SCREAMS)

Now, Beans...

Why would you put pickle juice
in my sports drink?

How tall are you?

Okay, focus with me,
all right?

Um... why would you do that?

I thought it was funny.

That was not funny.

-Made me laugh.
-(SIGHS)

What's in this drawer?

Okay! Listen.
No more pranks.

All right?

'Cause if you do, you're just
going to be coming up here

for more lectures.

-Is that perfectly clear?
-Crystal.

Good.

I knew you'd understand,
you know?

Because you're
a smart guy.

Can I ask you
a question?

Go ahead.

Where does toilet paper
come from?

And he still holds
the school record

for the eight-pound sh*t put

Mickey "Thud" Fanner!" Okay!

Congratulations, Mickey.

Take a seat, bud.

And now it's time for me to introduce
the newest member

of the Wombat hall of fame.

He graduated two years ago,
and, uh...

Oh, sh**t, promised myself
I wasn't going to cry.

Donnie Stevens, get up here!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Donnie has prepared
a few words for us.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Thank you, Coach...

Tugnut.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Well said, Donnie.

Now, we all know that
Donnie is the star

of his high school
football team.

But I know that Donnie
has some college dreams, too.

Donnie, can you tell the kids

where you think you might
like to be going?

Well, like any
great legend

I'd love to go
to Texas State

to play for Coach
"Specs" Richardson.

Oh, really?

Well...
it just so happens

that Coach Richardson
has sent along his best wishes.

Hey, nerd, roll that tape.

What?

Oh, hey, hey. Donnie!

This is Coach Richardson
down here in Texas.

Just want to congratulate you
on this great honor, boy.

We like players like you

down here at Texas State

and that's why I'm on my way
to Sacramento

to talk to you about
a full-ride scholarship.

Congratulations, Ronnie.

Huh? Huh? Oh!

Uh, congratulations,
there, Donnie.

Wait a minute. Coach Specs
Richardson is coming here

to Sacramento to see me?

He'll be pulling up to your
house in a couple of hours.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, now we just got
to find a place

to hide your brother Louis.

(LAUGHTER)

Uh, seriously, stash him.

Well, it's been
a big day for all of us

but I can tell you this: this
party is far from being over.

Donnie, take a seat.

I'd like to tell you
how I feel about you...

in song.

(FEEDBACK)

It's a little something
I've been working on

since you left...

long months ago,
and it goes like this...

(SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "MY WAY"):
To sweat, or not to sweat

So many games

I won't forget

Dude, what are we doing here,
man?

School's over.
Let's go home.

Hold on, my impatient friend.
The best is yet to come.

-Ew! (SCREAMS)
-(LAUGHING)

-(LAUGHING)
-Beans!

I am covered in oatmeal.

I guess I'm busted.

Yeah.
You're right, you're busted.

Did you hear

a single thing
that I said yesterday?!

I guess I need a review.

Okay, playing
mean tricks on people

is going to get you
into trouble.

(SPEAKING AT HIGH SPEED)

Now do you know
what I'm saying?

I'm sorry, I have a
short attention span.

You can start over.

I'll make popcorn.

No... no more popcorn,

no more lectures

because I am covered in oatmeal!

And you, Beans Aranguren,
are going home.

Consider yourself
kicked out!

COACH TUGNUT: (SINGING)
Oh, he can score

And so much more

Hats off to Do-o-n-nie!
(HITTING HIGH NOTE)

(APPLAUSE)

(CHUCKLING)
Thank you, thank you.

Come on, come on.
This isn't about me.

Hey, dude, I'm glad
we stayed, man.

Tugnut's got a really
good set of pipes there.

Just keep watching.

And now the coup de grâce

the capo de tutti-tutti...

Donnie himself...

will demonstrate
the routine

that won Lawrence
Junior High School

our first gymnastics title.

Let's hear it
for Donnie.

(BAND PLAYS UPBEAT THEME)

You didn't tinker
with Donnie's big day, did you?

(BEEPING)

LOUIS:
Yeah, I stopped by last night

and added a few surprises
of my own.

(DRILLING)

(BEEPING)

(GRUNTING)
Wh...

(BEEPING)

Whoa, whoa...

Hey, uh...

Whoa, whoa...

(GRUNTING)

You better slow
that thing down, man.

I'm try...
I'm trying to...

(BEEPING)

Whoa!
(THUD)

-(GROANS)
-(CROWD GASPING)

COACH:
Donnie!

Are you okay?

(WHIMPERING)

What is that doctor
doing in there?

I mean, is he okay?

Dude, don't worry.
I'm sure Donnie is fine.

(MOANING)

Oh!

Who could have rigged
that pommel horse

to throw your brother
across the room?

I don't know.

But I assure you
that I will not rest

till that person is
brought to justice, sir.

Donnie's going to be fine.

(LAUGHING)
Oh, thanks, Doc!

(SOBBING)

Uh, no problem.

But, uh, he's got
to keep all his weight

off his tailbone
for the next hours

so I've taken
some precautions.

Wait a minute,
precautions...?

What kind of precautions?

(SIGHS)

Hi, guys.

Oh...

Wha...?
What's this?

Coach Richardson
is going to be here in minutes.

If he thinks you broke
even a fingernail

we can kiss that
scholarship good-bye.

"We"?

Donnie, I've waited
my whole career

for a kid like you.

Every time you
score a touchdown

I score.

Every time you land
with a perfect dismount

it's me standing there
in that tight-fitting outfit.

Hey, thanks
for sticking by me, Coach.

So what are we going to do?

"We"?!

You're damaged goods, kid.

But take care.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Honey, I-I really think
your hair is fine.

(SCOFFS)

Really, it looks
like you got all the oatmeal out.

Except for
this raisin.

You know, I really tried
to help that kid.

I did. I thought
it might be nice

for him to hang out with me

instead of spending
so much time with Louis

which we know
can't be too healthy.

(HORN HONKS)

Mom, somebody has to go.

No, he has the right-of-way.

You have the right-of-way,
darling. Go.

First I felt sorry for Bernard,
you know

but let's face it,
the kid is a bad seed.

(HONKING)

Mom, somebody has to go here.

Go. Go!

Go. Go!

Ren, nobody is born bad.

No, this kid is, believe me.

I don't even want him
near the house.

First, he poisoned me
with pickle juice.

Then, he pours oatmeal
on my hair!

No, I don't think so.

What more
does he want from me?

Maybe he just wants
some attention.

(HONKING)

Okay, easy, Louis, easy.

(METAL CREAKING)

Ah! Ah...

LOUIS: All right.

What's up with
Donnie's butt?

This is not the time,
okay, Beans?

Everyone keeps saying
that around here.

Lou, this isn't going
to work, man.

No, no, no, no,
it will work.

Donnie, you may be good
at every sport on the planet

okay, but this is my turf.

Yeah? What turf is that?

Lying, cheating, scheming?

Actually, I prefer to call it
"the art of deception."

Look, Lou, listen to me.

For whatever reason
I caught a bad break today

the fact is,
I'm damaged goods, man.

Donnie, things happen
for a reason, okay?

All right?

Trust me.
We'll be okay.

Don't move.

Beans, you get
out of my house.

Get out, Beans.

(SIGHS)

Do you like asparagus?

Beans, get out of here.

Say that again, and I'm gone!

(YELLING)
Get out!

I... If you pull this off,
it'll be a miracle.

Yeah, but if I don't

Donnie loses
the scholarship

and we're not going to
let that happen, okay?

(CHUCKLING)

Here, flex up.

(GRUNTS)

-Six-pack.
-(LAUGHS)

DONNIE: Somebody's pulling
into the driveway.

And Dr. Herlihy

says stay put, so you will.

And Coach Richardson...

wants to see a happy,
healthy Donnie, and he will.

How do I look?

Well...

I'd like a little more neck

but you know what,
it's beautiful.

Yeah, it looks good.

Yes. Got the
hand gestures.

-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-(GRUNTS)

Oh, hold on.

"Beans, do this.

"Beans, do that."

My name's not even Beans!

Coach Richardson, it is an honor
of the-the highest order

to have you here today, sir.

Good, good, good, good.

But you wouldn't have flown all
the way from Texas to see me.

(LAUGHS)

Okay, so this is, uh...
this is my brother

-Coach Richardson, Donnie Stevens.
-Oh. Yeah.

Hey! Coach Richardson.

Hey, there, Donnie boy.

I've had my eye on you
for a long time, boy.

I've had my eye
on you, too, Coach.

(LAUGHS)

And it's great
to finally meet you.

(UNDER BREATH)
Handshake.

-Uh...
-Uh...

-Ah!
-LOUIS: There you go.

-Yeah, right.
-Hey!

Uh, excuse me
if I don't get up.

There's a big Davis game Friday

and I want to save
all my energy.

(GROWLS)

Look at that! Doesn't want
to waste an ounce of energy

for anybody
except for the game.

That is dedication!

Sir, why you come
and sit here?

It's a lot more comfor...
You can talk

-to your star recruit.
-Uh, well, isn't this

a little far away?

-Great athlete, bad breath.
-Oh.

-LOUIS: Yeah, yeah.
-(BLOWING)

Speaking of smells,
you know, Donnie

nothing's greater
than a crisp November morning

in Texas Stadium.

How'd you like to get
a whiff of that someday, boy?

Oh... I sure would.

(LAUGHING)

Well, let's toast to that, huh?

Yeah, yeah, no, no
I got it, I got it.

Yeah...

Uh, there's a drink
for you, Donnie.

Uh, there you go.

(CHUCKLING)

To Donnie Stevens
and Texas State:

the perfect combination.

Yeah!

Are you all right
there, boy?

Aah!

Uh, well,
like all the greats

off the field,
he's a total klutz.

(GLASS CLINKS)

It's my turn.

Uh, there's something
odd going on here.

You... you're not
flaky, are you?

-No, sir!
-No, of course not.

No, no, I can
assure you

Donnie has got a good
head on his shoulders.

Hey, what... what... what's

going on here?

Now... Now start talking.

Oh! Ow!

(YELLING)

TWITTY:
Hey, my head's stuck!

-No, sit...
-Has Richardson left yet?

LOUIS:
No, no...

-Hey, Lou...
-Sit down, Donnie's body.

That's it!

I mean, this is a madhouse
around here!

I'm out of here.

Okay. Thank you for coming,
Coach Richardson.

Just send over the,
uh, scholarship papers.

Yeah, we'll have him
sign them for you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

That didn't go very well.

No.

Donnie, I'm sorry, man.

I really am.

Hey, Louis,
that was above and beyond

the call of duty, bro,
and I love you for trying.

Really?

Yeah.
Ever since I was a kid

I'd dreamt of playing
for Texas State.

Mm-hmm.

But it's like you said

"Everything happens
for a reason," right?

You really believe it?

Absolutely. Hey,
maybe losing that scholarship

was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

I am so glad you just said that.

I got to tell
you something.

I rigged your pommel horse

with the motor
from a mechanical bull.

Mechanical bull?

Yeah, a couple
of mounting brackets

and a few twists
of the magic wrench

and it turned out to be the best thing
that ever happened to you...

right?

R.. Right?

Wrong!

(SCREAMING)

Hi, Alan.

If you're going to stay
for dinner, would you wash up?

Oh, okay, Mrs. Stevens,

but could you cut me out
of here?

Oh, sure.
I'm not even going to ask.

(SIGHS)

Ah, thank you, Beans.

See, now,
this is how good boys

are supposed to behave.

So you're not mad at me anymore?

No, I'm not mad at you.

I actually realize
why you were doing

all those mean tricks on me.

Because I'm starved
for attention?

Yes.

Exactly.

Can you get me those cookies?

You know,
sometimes people don't really

realize the consequences
of their action...

You little runt!

Whoa!

(YELLING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Get off!

-Stevens, Stevens!
-(GRUNTS, SIGHS)

Oh, I like what I see, boy.

I think I'm going to keep

a place open on
the team for you.

-(LAUGHS)
-Really?

Ah, you're darn tootin'!

See you in Texas, son.

Adios.

Adios, Coach Richardson!

-Louis, you hear that?!
-Yes, I heard it!

You were right.

Everything does
happen for a reason.

Dude,
you should have listened.

-Thanks.
-Yeah, dude, no problem.

Okay, where was I now?

(GRUNTING)
Get off!

Beans, get back here!

(CRUNCHING, SMACKING)

Hey, Beans.

Hi, Mr. Stevens.

How was Chicago?

Windy.

Watch the crumbs.

Gotcha.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC ENDS)