02x17 - Uncle Chuck

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

You're late, Stevens.

Or...

is it possible that everybody else
on earth is early?

It's an interesting theory. I never...

Wait a minute.

You know what? Usually,
I would bust you for that sassy mouth.

But it's dodgeball season.
And all is right with the world.

Oh, Stevens, you might wanna put
some ice on those bruises.

Sir, I, uh, I don't have any bruises.

Not yet. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
let's limber up those mathematic muscles.

Let's begin with problems
one through six.

Excuse me, you're in my seat.

(GROWLS)

Ay, ay, ay.
Muy gigante.

Is there a problem back there?

No, he was just sitting in my seat.

I'm sorry, Louis.

I gave your seat to Lenny,
the new transfer student.

Is that a problem?

Wh... No, no, no, no.
You can sit wherever you want, sir.

I'll just, uh...

I'll take this empty chair, okay?

Actually, I prefer the window seat.

("FLIGHT OF THE VALKYRIES" PLAYS)

Mr. Kranepool, could you please
put your classmate down?

Gently.

"Gently" being the key word.

Here's fine.

-You okay?
-Yeah. Who is this guy?

They call him "Lenny The Lifter."

-LOUIS: Why do they call him that?
-TWITTY: Hmm.

(WHISPERING) He'll pick you up...

-Right. Of course, right.
-Yeah.

Word on the street

is that he got kicked out
of his old school.

-Why?
-Probably went on a lifting spree.

(GROWLS)

(GROWLS)

Here you go.

(BELCHES)

Ahh. okay, good to go.

Okay.

Ooh. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(NEWS PROGRAM THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Hi, I'm Ren Stevens,

and welcome to
Lawrence Junior High School's

very own TV news, The Wombat Report.

Today, a special feature.

Dodgeball: a good time activity
or a barbaric celebration

of pain and v*olence

that sadistically pits
the mean and vicious

against the weak and skinny?

Here's Nelson Minkler
with the medical perspective.

Nelson?

Thank you, Ren.

Skydiving, shark taunting, dodgeball.

The three most dangerous activities

as ranked by the American Medical Board
and myself.

Though I've managed
to creatively avoid dodgeball,

I've witnessed its savagery.

"What are the three most
common injuries," you ask?

Nose bleeds, fat lips,

and welts the size
of a three-egg omelet.

Ouch.

-Back to you, Ren.
-(LAUGHS)

Gosh. Thank you, Nelson.

Okay, so we took
one of our hidden cap cams

into Coach Tugnut's gym classes

and came away
with this disturbing footage.

Now, to help you get the most
out of your dodgeball experience,

I'd like you all to meet...

Target Timmy.

If you want to drop your opponent
like a sack of potatoes,

aim for the hot zones.

Here, here, and here.

You'll earn extra credit,
and he'll learn a valuable life lesson.

So, dodgeball's really
about earning and learning...

Hey, take the hat off. No hats in class.

Lose the hat.

Take it off!

We caught up
with Coach Tugnut after school

to ask him some questions.

Hi. I'm here to ask Coach Tugnut

the tough questions
about dodgeball.

Um, come with me.

Whoa! Ow! Ow!

Coach Tugnut, is it true in dodgeball,

you encourage kids
to inflict as much pain as possible?

COACH TUGNUT:
I don't know what you're talking about.

REN: Well, what about
the "hot zones," sir?

I have no comment.

Well, we need to know the truth.

The truth is I'm a very busy man
shaping young lives.

Like the dinosaurs and the Macarena,
let's make dodgeball extinct.

That was great, Ren.
You nailed that dirtball Tugnut.

(LAUGHS)

(SOFTLY) Nelson, we're still on the air.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(GROWLS)

Excuse me, excuse me. Cuttskys. Sorry.
Excuse me, excuse me.

-Oh, sorry.
-Yeah, right.

LENNY: Louis.

(GROWLS)

I need to talk to you.

Listen, if I offended you in any way,
I am sorry.

And, in fact, I'd like to pre-apologize
for anything I may do in the future.

I just wanted to say
thanks for the pencil.

The pencil? Oh, right.
Old Number Two.

Well, you're welcome.

Hey, you want to eat lunch with me?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Come on.

Hey!

They forgot our pudding.

I'll go get us some.

All right.

-Hey, bro.
-Hey, Lou. Hey, I got us a table.

No, what's wrong
with this one right here?

Uh...

-That's the eighth grade table.
-Yeah, so?

What, you got a death wish?

I don't think it's gonna be
a problem today.

Go ahead, sit down.

(SIGHS) It's nice knowing you.

Whatever.

Um, Stevens, this table is reserved.

Larry, this table is only reserved

'cause you and a few of your
unattractive friends say it is.

Listen, little man,
I'm gonna give you three seconds.

One...

Two...

Larry, be a peach
and pass me the Dijon.

Louis, they're out of pudding.

Oh, no, not a problem.
Sit down, palsy.

Do we have a problem, Larry?

Um, no... no! (LAUGHS)

No, we ain't got no problem.

Well, except for the fact that

me and my very, very
good buddy Lenny here

still don't have our pudding.

You wouldn't mind, would you?

Mm-mmm.

Thanks, Lar. And my buddy here?

Um.

Mmm.

Is it just me,
or this pudding extra special today?

Hey, hey, Twitty.
Come on. Take a seat.

I can't, man.
I gotta take back my book.

No. Why don't we have
one of the eighth graders do it for you?

Right, Lar?

My buddy Lenny here,
he hates overdue library books.

Don't you? You hate 'em!

It's true.

Okay, um, library books.

Calvin, take this to the library.

Hey, um, Lou,
don't worry about the fine.

-It'll go on my bill.
-Cool. Sit down.

Want a roll or something?

Here, bro.

REN: Coach Tugnut, you wanted to see me?

(DOOR CREAKS)

COACH TUGNUT:
You got a problem with dodgeball?

(CLAPS)

Um...

Why were the lights off?

It's for dramatic effect.

It's called, "Tugnut Ain't Happy."

Have a seat.

I take it you've seen
my dodgeball exposé?

(SCOFFS)

Don't try to use
fancy foreign words, Stevens.

It just makes you look ignorant.

Now, because of you,

Principal Wexler
is holding a referendum.

And if you don't know
what that means,

the dictionary says
it's a public measure we all vote on.

Dodgeball in or dodgeball out.

If you believe in one thing,
Stevens, believe in this.

Dodgeball ain't going anywhere.

Ever.

(CLAPS) Again, for dramatic effect.

-(THUD)
-REN: Oh, gosh.

Do you want some ice for that?

-COACH TUGNUT: Please.
-Okay.

Life is sweet, Twitty.

You are right, man.

You know, thanks to Lenny,
we have all-day protection.

I know. It's like the guy's
one big deodorant stick,

and suddenly we're smelling pretty good.

You know what? I'm gonna go use
the eighth grade bathroom.

-Oh, nice.
-Yeah.

That's right.
Do an extra flush for me, all right?

-TWITTY: Oh, sweet.
-Cool.

Lenny, don't think so hard.
You'll pull a muscle.

(WHINING LOUDLY) Louis!

-(CRYING)
-Stop, stop.

Listen, stop.
Do you want other people to hear you?

I don't. Stop.

But it's not fair.

There's an English assignment
due tomorrow, and I just got here.

That's what you're crying about?
Homework?

I'm sorry, Lou.

I'm just afraid
that if I don't do well in school

I'll never graduate,

and become a... a... p...

(CRYING)

A policeman?

-A private investigator?
-No.

A... python trainer.

A pastry chef.

I can't find my hankie.

(CRYING)

(BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY)

(CONTINUES CRYING)

Are you saying he was actually crying?

No, dude, I am saying major tears.

Lenny the Lifter's real name
should be Baby Cries-A-Lot.

And it's all over some stupid
poetry assignment.

If the whole school finds out about this,
then they won't be scared of him anymore.

Or us.

So, what are we gonna do?

Well, for now,
I convinced Ren to help him.

I hope he comes up
with something dark, mean, and hateful.

REN: Lenny, your poem is so...

gentle, sweet and loving.

You really like it?

Oh, yeah.

I have to admit...

when I first met you,
I didn't think you'd be this sensitive.

I wish everyone could see that.

You know, we move around a lot
and every school I go to,

people are afraid of me.

I just wish people
wouldn't judge me by my size.

I just got a cool idea.

Why don't we show the whole school
what a sweetie pie you really are?

How do I do that?

Read your poem
on the Wombat Report.

Really?

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny. Listen, bro.

Do you really wanna read your poem
on the Dumbat Report?

Yes, I do.

We have the whole
eighth grade bathroom to ourselves.

Comfy chairs, assorted toiletries.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Not to mention, two-ply toilet paper.

Look at this. Feel the quilted difference?
Soft as a baby's bottom.

Look, Louis,

I've made up my mind.
I'm reading my poem.

-(SIGHS)
-Lenny, can't we just talk about this?

-Aah!
-(ALL SCREAM)

Paper cut!

(SCREAMING)

LENNY: Paper cut!

Lenny, you okay?

It's not so bad.

I thought it was gonna be
a real doozy.

Well, see you on TV.

Dude, one little paper cut

and the guy turns
into the Incredible Hulk.

Yes. Yeah, he does.

You ever notice when the Incredible Hulk
turns back into David Banner,

his clothes aren't ripped anymore?

Twitty, never mind the Incredible Hulk.

I just figured out how to stop Lenny
from reading his poem.

Yes.

-Nelson, are you okay?
-No!

I'm hyperventilating!

Coach Tugnut didn't buy
my chronically throbbing earlobe excuse.

He's gonna make me play dodgeball.

Oh.

Look, relax, okay?
We're gonna get through this.

You know, we got
a referendum coming up,

and pretty soon,
dodgeball will be outlawed.

And you'll never have to play it again.

But what about our opposition?

Opposition?

REN: "Save Dodgeball"?

What are you,
Coach Tugnut's lackey now, Larry?

You're absolutely not my lackey.

I am absolutely not his lackey.

Look, we demand equal time
on the Wombat Report

to debate against you
and your anti-dodgeball views.

You know what? Fine, I'll debate you,
but I'm going to win.

Your dodgeball days are numbered.

We'll see about that.

Oh, and, Minkler, we'll see you
at the dodgeball game.

And if you thought your earlobe
was throbbing before...

(HYPERVENTILATING)

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

(SCREAMS)

TWITTY: How we doing?

Almost. Done.

Dr. Zapenstein's installed.

-Is it gonna hurt?
-Oh, no more than a paper cut.

And that's all it takes
to make Lenny go ballistic.

Right. Which the whole school will see.
Keep fear alive.

All right.

Okay, now you're absolutely sure
that it's gonna work?

Yeah, it's been field-tested.

LOUIS: Good old Dr. Zapenstein.

-(ZAPS)
-Ooh!

Louis!

And, plus, this is the deluxe
voice-activated version.

Which means the second Lenny
starts reading his wimpy poem,

he'll get a little visit from the Doc.

All right.

-Dude, someone's coming.
-Go!

I cannot believe
I'm hearing this, Nelson.

-But, Ren, it's true.
-(SIGHS)

Well, you agreed that you thought
that dodgeball was barbaric and violent.

But that was before
I actually played the game.

-Thank you.
-Listen, I dashed...

I darted...

and dare I say it...

I dodged.

It was exhilarating!

Ren, I think you should
reconsider your position.

That's not gonna happen.

Come on, people,
we have a broadcast to do.

Ren, you don't know
what you're missing.

Whoa, whoa, take it easy.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Yeah, don't start bawling on us.

Louis...

Louis, I'm really nervous
about reading my poem.

Don't worry about it.
You're gonna buzz right through it.

I wrote it about you.

Here's a copy.

Really.

Hey, you okay?

Hey, you ever feel
the gnawing pangs of guilt?

You know, the ones that make you feel
like a terrible person

who doesn't deserve to live?

No.

Me, neither.

But... it is the closest I've ever been.

Listen, this is what
we're gonna do, okay?

You're gonna ask her a question.
I'm gonna switch the chairs.

-All right, got you, got you.
-(WHISPERS) Then go ask her.

Hey, hey, Ren. Hey, um, you know,

is it true that... that a dog's mouth

is... is actually cleaner
than a human's mouth?

Twitty, what kind of question is that?

Look, I have a broadcast to do, okay?

Hey, what's going on here, man?

Are you harassing her? Huh?

She's a very busy woman.
I want you out.

-But, but, you said...
-No, shh. Don't talk. Do it.

You get out now. You get out now!

I'm sorry. You get out!

(NEWS PROGRAM THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

Good morning,
and welcome to a special edition

of the Wombat Report.

Our historic dodgeball debate
is coming up.

We hope this will help you decide

whether to continue this savage,
athletic competition

or make the more enlightened choice,

and ban it forever.

But first,
let's turn to our Poetry Corner

to meet the newest transfer student,

Lenny Kranepool.

(GASPS)

"Emotional" by Lenny Kranepool.

"I wish you could see beyond my size

"To the person that lives inside

"There is someone
who sees the real me

"His name is Louis and you see

"He never judged or laughed
or tried to hide

"He just treated me like any other guy

"I owe a lot to this true friend

"I hope our friendship never ends

-(CRYING)
-"It really hurts to be left out.

"If you have any doubt

(CRYING)

"Try being me for just one day

-(CRYING)
-(BLOWS NOSE)

"And I'm sure you'd agree when I say

"That being feared cuts like a Kn*fe

“But one good friend
can change your life"

(BOTH CRYING)

A little tear.

Thank you, Lenny.

That was...

beautiful.

(BLOWS NOSE)

(SNIFFLES)
That was so beautiful, man.

Shut up, Omar.

Look, life is gonna be good again.

Yeah, yeah.

LARRY: Stevens just lost his bodyguard.

(SNIFFLES, CHUCKLES)

Now it's time for our dodgeball debate.

(NEWS PROGRAM THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

I'd like to welcome
my opponent, Larry Beale.

Um, thank you, Ren.

My fellow Wombats,

I am here to save
a beautiful tradition.

Chucking balls
incredibly hard at each other...

-Lou?
-Yeah?

Isn't Ren sitting in the chair we rigged?

Mm-hmm.

Yep, this is not gonna be pretty.

...but an inalienable right.

Ren.

-Larry, I... Ow!
-(ZAPPING)

-I... Ow! I... Ow!
-(ZAPPING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Louis... Ow!

-I... Ow!
-(ZAPPING)

-Ow! Ow! Ow!
-(ZAPPING)

Louis... Ow!

Uh, uh, over here...

Louis... Ow!

Actually, Larry,
maybe I was a little too hasty.

You have an excellent point.

I do?

Sure.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry just persuaded me

that there's a time and a place

for dodgeball to be
a very rewarding experience.

(WHISTLING)

Ren, I'm glad
you finally saw the light.

It's nice to be
on the same side for once.

Yeah, gentlemen,
you have no idea

how much I'm looking forward to this.

Uh, you kids mind if I join you?

-Be my guest.
-Okay.

Okay, let him in.

Uh, Coach,
you wanted to see me?

No!

-Fire!
-Aah!

COACH TUGNUT:
Keep f*ring! Keep f*ring!

-Keep f*ring!
-Yeah!

REN: Yeah!

Hah!

Looks like you're out of a*mo.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, actually... no.

What's this?

Old reliable.

(SCREAMS)

(WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)