02x19 - Ren-Gate

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZING)

(expl*si*n)

(HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

Ah, what do we have here?

Thank you. (CHUCKLES)

(SCREAMS)

Music, food, decorations.

Well, everything is coming together
perfectly.

Uh, Ren, I think

you forgot one tiny little detail.

It's a Sadie Hawkins dance.

The girls ask the boys
but you haven't asked anybody yet.

Oh. Well, you know,
I've been busy planning.

I just haven't had any time.

But the dance is tomorrow.

Well, what about you?
You haven't asked anyone either.

That's different.
I am the spontaneous type

while you, on the other hand,
are the planning type.

It's not like you to wait
till the last minute.

Ren, why in the ding-dong dell
was this delivered to our school today?

Oh, Principal Wexler,
sir, I'm sorry.

The pig was not supposed
to be arriving till tomorrow night.

It's for the hillbilly theme
for the Sadie Hawkins dance.

It's a health hazard.
Or a zoning violation.

Either way, it has formed
an odd attraction to my ankle.

Just get it out of my office.

Oh... oh... um, sir
what am I supposed to do with a pig

until tomorrow night?

Start with housebreaking.

Sir?

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

GIRL: There he is!

Ladies, ladies... thank you all

for your invitations
to the Sadie Hawkins dance

but please just be patient.

I should be making
my decision pretty soon.

Thanks.

Hey, what's up? I'm Louis.

GIRL: Yeah, no kidding.
So what.

How are you getting all these girls
to ask you to the dance?

Dude, I don't know.

It's, like, ever since
the Sadie Hawkins day thing

I'm, like, this big babe magnet.

I'm like a lint magnet.

I mean, how am I getting this stuff
all over my trousers?

GIRL: Call you later, Alan.

So how many girls have
asked you to the dance?

I don't know... seven, eight.

Eight dates?

Oh, wow! I mean, the only other guy
with that many offers is Tad Taylor.

LOUIS: That guy.

What do girls see in that kid?
Please tell me.

I don't know. I mean,
why do all the really good looking guys

with sparkling personalities
get all the girls?

I don't understand it.

You know what I do understand, though?

That the dance is tomorrow night

and not one girl has come
within feet of me.

I bet it's cause they all think
Tawny's going to ask you.

You know what?
I thought the same thing.

I thought she was.

But then this whole week,
she's been avoiding me.

If there's one thing
I understand as of today.

It's the ladies, okay?

And it is percent guaranteed, bro.
We're not talking percent, okay?

- percent guaranteed.
- percent, I got ya.

that Tawny is going to ask you.

I hope you're right, man.

So, uh... what would you say
my prospects are

for getting a date?

-Hey, Lou, will you pass the salt.
-Here you go.

Hey, Ren...

Um... nice pig.

-Can I talk to you?
-Oh, sure, sure.

-What's up?
-Um...

Hold on... (SQUEALING SOFTLY)

(GROANS)

Go ahead.

It's about this whole Sadie Hawkins thing.

I mean... how embarrassing
is this going to be?

Oh, it's going to be great.

We got a hay ride, square dancing
and hitching post...

It's going to be pretty embarrassing
but I'm making it cool.

Well, the idea of the girls
asking the guys

is kind of empowering, but...

I don't do hillbilly.

Oh, trust me.

If you get into the spirit of it,
it'll be fun.

So, are you going to ask
a certain someone?

No. I think I'm going to ask Louis.

(LAUGHS) Good one.

What about you, Ren?
You gonna ask Bobby, huh?

That's actually been over for awhile.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Well again, nice pig.

Thanks.

GIRL: Hey, Twitty.

TWITTY: Dude, dude
here comes Tawny, man.

I bet this is it.

It's about time.

Yeah, yeah.
See, she was just playing you.

You know, making you sweat a little.

Yeah, you know,
girls are always doing that.

Or, you know, so I've read.

Guys, she wasn't making me sweat, okay?

Hey, just play it cool, okay?

Hmm... Louis,
can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure. I got a minute.

So, what's up?

Hmm... It's about
that whole Sadie Hawkins dance.

Yeah, yeah, I figured.
I figured that's what it was about.

You wouldn't believe how many girls
have been asking me out to that thing.

I tell you,
I can't keep their paws off me.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah.

I need some of that babe repellent
like Tom uses.

Hey! I'll have you know that's my cologne:
Midnight in Cairo.

So, do you already have a date?

I mean, you know how it is.

Testing the waters,
scoping out my options.

So what about you?

Anybody you're thinking
about asking to the dance?

No.

(LAUGHS) No!

No?

Look, I wouldn't go to that stupid dance
if somebody paid me.

Oh, and good luck keeping
the babes away, Louis.

What just happened?

I said play it cool.

Yeah, and you played the fool! Sorry.

You know, I just like
to bust the occasional rhyme.

Honestly, Ren. I have heard
a lot of excuses in my career.

No, but it's true, Ms. Lovelson!

A pig really did eat my homework.

There is only one fair way
to decide

who's going to take me to the dance.

Can we get this over
with already, please?

Dude, what's your problem?

What's my problem?

I'll tell you what my problem is.
You have a wheel of dates.

I have a wheel of nothing.
That's my problem.

Okay? Spin the wheel.

Big money, big money
big money, big money

big money!

Tom's mom.

Oh...

Sorry, that must've have fallen out
of my wallet.

Go ahead.

BOTH: Lindsey Lang.

Sweet.

I'm really happy for you, dude.

Thanks, man.

I'm sorry you blew
that whole thing with Tawny.

Yeah, you sure did, Louis!

It looks like you and me are up
dateless creek without a paddle.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

No, Donnie. Okay, hold on.

Donnie, girl, woman!

What is on your head?

It's mayonnaise.

I was making chicken salad,
but I decided to give myself

a hydrating scalp treatment instead.

It's...

But don't tell her that.

Tell her that I'm out somewhere
and I'm up to no good.

Hello? Yeah,
he's not here right now.

As a matter of fact,
haven't seen him all day.

He's out somewhere
up to no good.

Okay.

Bye.

Message?

Yeah. Lexie thinks you're hot.

I'm telling you, man.
It's that bad boy thing.

Gets 'em every time.

(BELL DINGS)

Got to rinse.

Did you just hear that?

Girls dig bad boys.

What's up? I'm bad.
What's up, brother?

What's up, sister girl?

I'm still bad, I'm still bad.

-What's up?
-Stevens!

Clean up that mess immediately.
And get rid of that tattoo!

Yes, sir, right away.

Hey, what do you think about Adam Kane?

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

All right. Good enough.

Hi, Adam,
I know it's last minute and all

and I was just wondering if you...

I'm sorry about that.

Oh, gosh, I know it's late
and everything, but...

Ooh, wow. That smells.

I don't know what got into him.

Actually, I do.
It's Adam's burrito.

I am so sorry.
He's usually not this aggressive.

So will you go to the dance
with me?

Three minutes left
and this bad boy's still available.

Hey, sweetheart, how you doing?

Give me a call.

I'm working on that muscle.

-Stevens!
-Yes, sir! Right away.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay?

Hey, any luck?

No, not one girl, man.

I knew Donnie's whole bad boy
thing wouldn't work.

The mayonnaise must've soaked
through his brain.

What up, dawgs?

And that's spelled D-A-W-G-S.

Nice look, Fonzie,

but I could have told you
that whole bad boy thing

isn't going to work.

Au contraire, Pierre.

This is Gwendolyn. My date.

This is not happening.

You got two minutes to find a date.

Two minutes?

There's Tawny, man.

You know, you should go apologize
to her for being such a dufus.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tawny, Tawny.

Look, come here, come here.

Okay, listen...

Why are you dressed that way?

Because, um... up to no good.

Don't listen to what I just said.
Forget that.

I'm going to lay the cards
on the table, okay?

You don't have a date
to the dance, right?

I don't have a date to the dance.

Why don't you just ask me?

Well, see, there's just one
little problem with your logic, Louis.

I do have a date.

See ya.

(BELL RINGS)

Louis, there you are.
I've been looking for you.

Really?

Yeah. I have something to ask you.

Sure, go ahead.

I don't know how to say this, but...

Yes, I'll go.
I'll go to the dance with you.

Actually, I was going to ask you
to give this pig feed to Ren.

It's stinking up my locker.

Okay.

But I'm a fly-by-the-seat-
of-my-pants kind of gal.

So, sure
I'll go to the dance with you.

You will? You will?

You will! Great!
I want us to have the best time ever.

Okay, we'll have more fun
than a fuzzy bath pillow.

All r...

Fuzzy... pillow?

This is some good stuff.

Hey, Lou, glad to see
you could make it.

Yeah.

See you got yourself
a little date here.

I have to say we were
all a little worried about you.

Truth be told,
I had Doris on stand-by.

Doris?

Your mom Doris?

Tom, no, I'm not going
to go out with your mom.

For you guys' information,
I have a date, okay?

I was asked to the dance
by the head of the cheerleading squad.

Dude, you're going
to the dance with Monique?

Yes, I am.

-Dude, she's a total babe.
-Yes.

MONIQUE: Yee-haw!

Monique?

I gotcha, you rascally critter.

You wanted fun?
Well, hold on to your britches.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Ah, come on, Gwendolyn,
I'll get us some punch

and don't you even think
about lassoing me, now.

Hint, hint.

(SNORTING)

You know, me not having a date
for the dance is all your fault.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, and what is that supposed to mean?

That's just fine,
because you know what?

After tonight,
we'll just go our separate ways.

WEXLER: Let's give a big
Sadie Hawkins welcome

to our favorite square dance caller

"Haystack" Steve Stevens!

How-dee!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Come on, folks,
let's raise a ruckus!

-Yee-haw!
-(SQUARE DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Listen up, everybody.

Walk around your corner.

Do-pass-oh.

Partner left,
corner by the right.

Back to the partner
with a left-hand turn.

(CACKLING)

Slip the clutch.

Come on, Louis, let's get out there
and get our square dance on.

Uh, you know, Monique
I'm not really into square dancing.

I'm more a circular kind of guy, okay?

Hey, Louis, hi.

Hey.

You know my date Tad.

Yes.

Hey, Tad, sorry about your shirt, buddy.

You know my date Monique?

Nice teeth.

Come on, Tad, let's get out there
and have some fun.

Oh, come on, Monique

let's go out there
and have some more fun!

That's the spirit. Yee-haw!

STEVE: Allemande left,
partner right

weave the ring...

and swing that pretty little thing.

And promenade.

Yee-ha-ha!

Pretty little girl
with the turned-up nose

freckled face and barefoot toes.

Put them ladies back to back.

Men go round the outside track.

Swing your partner up and down,
swing your partner round and round.

(SCREAMING)

Yee-haw! (LAUGHS)

(SCREAMING)

(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)

Swing!

(SCREAMING)

Good job, Louis,
you let the pig out.

No. No, I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy.

Here.

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(AMPLIFIED GRUNTING)

There you are.

You know, you have messed up

this whole Sadie Hawkins
thing for me.

That's right.

Well, truth be told,

I'm glad you scared away
all my potential dates.

After Bobby and I broke up

well, I didn't feel like
going with anybody.

(GRUNTING)

You're right, it is his loss.

You know, we've shared so much,
and I don't even know your name.

How about Mr. Oinks?

(GRUNTS)

No, that's too cutesy.

How about Timmy?

Timmy's good, right?

(LOUD GRUNT)

Gather up, y'all.
It's hitchin' time.

Louis?

Louis, there you are.

Hey, Monique.

I was just looking for you.

Sure you were.

Um... yeah.

I am the justice of the peace.

If'n there's any fillies
wantin' to get hitched

drag your fella on up here

for an old-fashioned
mountain wedding.

Come on, Louis
let's go get hitched.

You know, I can't.

Because I've got this thing...

in my thing...

which causes my thing
to become, uh...

unhitched.

Ain't got no brides in the house?

Well, it looks like
we're going to have

to close up the old hitchin' post.

Um, wait, Justice,

me and this here feller
want to be hitched.

Mel's bells, step right up.

Louis, I thought you
said you wanted to have fun tonight.

No, no, I did.
I mea... I do, I want to.

I want to.

But you'd rather be with Tawny?

Tawny? No, that's ridiculous.

MONIQUE: Louis, look.

You're in the seventh grade,
I'm in the eighth.

I know a thing or two
about a thing or two.

People, we are gathering here today
to join together this gal and her fella

in mock matrimony.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry, Monique.

What am I supposed to do now?

Go get 'er, cowboy.

So if y'all want to get hitched
say "Wahoo!"

Wa...

No!

Stevens, what are you doing?

-I object!
-I didn't ask if anybody objected.

So, I still object.

This whole wedding...
is a mockery.

Ooh, you're a sharp tack, Stevens.

So, he should be wearing a shirt.
I mean, come on.

Louis, what are you doing?

Uh, I don't know.

Somebody donate this man a shirt.

Excuse us just for one minute.

LOUIS: It's Sadie Hawkins,
not Tarzan. Come on.

She looks good.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-Louis, why did you ruin my wedding?
-Look, sit down, please.

Look, I know you're just doing this
to get back at me.

Oh, really?

Now, why would I go
and do a thing like that?

Because I thought you were
going to ask me to the dance

and then you didn't.

I was acting all cool
in front of everybody

and then I messed everything up.

How did you make those words
come out of my mouth?

I'm a girl. That's what I do.

Well, I'm a guy
and I don't know what to do.

I mean why does everything
have to be so complicated?

'Cause you made it that way.

Yeah.

I wish there was like a...

you know, a reset button
or something, you know?

You could just press it
and go back in time and start over.

Yeah, it's too bad I'm already engaged.

We should get back out there.

Yeah.

Yee-haw!

I now pronounce you hitched.

Looks like we're both off the hook.

You may now shake your tail feathers.

(SQUARE DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Louis, do you want to dance?

Well, I don't know.
I've had so many offers today.

Sure.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Hey, how was the dance?

Oh, it was great.

We won cutest couple.

We? I thought you didn't have a date.

Okay...

REN: You know what?
Timmy's a looker.

Well, I guess I'm not losing a daughter

I'm just gaining a hog.

That was bad.

(BOTH LAUGHING)