02x20 - Tight End in Traction

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

I feel ridiculous.

Ren, you said if I volunteered
to help you, you know, I'd meet girls.

And you will.

-Not dressed like a bowling pin.
-Oh, Twitty.

A bowling pin that
will attract girls

to sign up for my mother-daughter
Bowl-O-Rama fundraiser.

Now, pipe down and look
a little more... pin-like.

-What's up, ladies?
-(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Twitty, what are you
supposed to be?

A milk bottle?

-(GIRLS LAUGH)
-No. No, I'm a bowling pin.

You look like
a wingless penguin.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

-That's it, I'm out of here.
-Hey, girls.

How would you two like to be
the first ones to sign up?

Here.

Wait a minute.
Mother-daughter?

Would that require
being seen with Babs?

Come on, Ruby.
Your mom is fun to hang out with.

Not in public.

Ren, do you realize
the embarrassment potential here?

When my mom gets around my friends,
she gets so peppy.

Do you know how annoying that is?

Come on, don't you guys want
to raise money for the school?

That's easy for you to say.

Your mom's not going to show up
in fluorescent hip-huggers.

Yeah, your mom's a state senator.
She's actually normal.

Yeah, but that took
years of training. You guys...

Please.

Well, it is only one night.
How humiliating could it be?

Yeah. At least we don't have
to dress up like bowling pins. (LAUGHS)

Oh, yeah, don't worry, Twitty,
you'll meet lots of girls.

-I can't believe I fell for... oop!
-Twitty.

Why are you dressed like sushi?

-I'm a stinking bowling pin.
-Oh. Sorry. Need some help?

BOY: Nice outfit.

Do you mind?

Twitty.

Where's Louis?

I don't know. Oh--

This English dude called
and said he's "indisposed."

What does that mean?

One deep-fried grain-encrusted frankfurter
on a baton, sir.

Yeah, Chives, they
call these "corndogs."

Very well, sir.

And your root beer, sir.

I wasn't sure how much ice you wanted,
so I filled eight glasses

with varying amounts
of crushed cubes.

I'll make a mental note
of which glass you prefer

and all subsequent beverages
will contain exactly that amount of ice.

That's good.

Lou, have you
seen my diary?

(MUMBLING)

I believe Master Louis said
he hasn't seen your mislaid diary.

(SCOFFS) Hey, who's the guy
in the monkey suit?

Oh, no. No.

No, that's Chives,
Chives the butler.

Yeah. Chives, Donnie,
Donnie, Chives.

We got a butler?

Oh, cool.

Hey, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
go scrub my sheets.

No, Donnie.

We didn't get anything, okay?
I got a butler.

And how are you
going to pay for him?

My own money.

That I worked very hard for.

ANNOUNCER: The winner of the KSAK
"Stinky Feet Contest"

sponsored by Stink-Away
Foot Powder

America's number one
anti-stinkant

and the recipient
of dollars is...

Louis "Sulfur Toes" Stevens.

I don't believe this.

Wow. I want to thank my mom, my dad...
all my friends at school.

Oh, of course, Miss Beesley
my third-grade teacher

who said I couldn't spell
but I did have smell, and...

So you get to boss
this English dude around for a week?

Chives.

Sir, Master Louis is beginning
to find your presence tiresome.

Perhaps you would like to
relocate to another room

where something shiny
might hold your attention.

Ooh, my gosh, hi.

Hi.

Well, I told you guys
we are going to have fun.

Okay, girls, we're
ready to play bowling.

Attention, everyone.

(SCREAMING)

(CHEERING)

I'm so proud of you!

(YELLING)

That's okay, Mom.
Y--you get another sh*t.

I'll get it now.

(ALARM BUZZES)

(LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

Ren, you were right.
My mom and I had a blast.

Yeah, when they finish
cutting your mom out

we should all go
for ice cream.

You know, maybe you
should come with us

just in case I get my arm
caught in a yogurt machine.

(LAUGHING)

TEACHER:
Wendell Von Lear.

Edward Noodleman.

-Tawny Dean.
-Here.

Louis Stevens.

(CHUCKLES)

Louis Stevens?

Master Stevens is present.

-Your frappe, sir.
-Yes, thank you.

Louis, I can't believe you brought
your butler to school.

Well, frankly,

I don't know how I got through
my days without him.

You're doing a good
job there, Chives.

Oh, come on, guys.
It's not that hard.

Come on, Chives, harder.
No pain, no gain, buddy.

Hey, Chives, good luck.
I'll see you at : , all right, buddy?

Oh, and don't forget

to apologize for
everything I did.

All right, buddy?

Keep your chin up. There you go.
Have fun, Chives.

Excuse me, sir.

Master Louis has
requested his shorts

be garden-fresh
and static-free.

Where might one find
the fabric-softener?

One might look
in the utility closet.

Most gracious of you. Cheerio.

-Hey, Chives.
-Miss Ren.

-Hi, Dad.
-Hey, Ren. Uh, Ren?

I haven't had a chance
to talk to you.

How was your mother-
daughter bowling night?

Well, uh, Mom can't bowl
to save her life.

Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, uh, why is there an English
man doing laundry in our home?

Oh. Chives? Well,
he works for Louis.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

Huh. So, did you tell
Mom how you felt?

I just don't want
to hurt her feelings

and, well, it was just
for one night, so...

-Whew.
-Yeah.

Dad, what are...
what are you doing?

I'm going to sneak these socks
into Louis's load. I'll talk to you later.

Oh. Oh.

Dad!

-Oh, hi, sweetheart. Hi.
-Hey, Mom.

(KISSES)

Wasn't last night a blast?

Oh... Kaboom.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Here.
-Oh. What's this?

-What's the occasion?
-Well, it's for you.

-Really?
-Well...

Actually, it's kind of for us.

Oh, um, bowling shirt?

-(CHUCKLES)
-Uh, who's Pinky?

You are. You're Pinky.

I thought we should get
cute little bowling nicknames.

-Hmm. Yeah.
-I got one for me, too.

I am...

Gutter Queen. (LAUGHING)

Uh, why did you
get bowling shirts?

This is the really
big news, Ren.

I spoke to Tanya
and Babs today

and we all agree
that we had so much fun

bowling with you girls
last night that...

we joined a mother-
daughter bowling league.

Isn't that great?
Isn't that great, Ren? (GASPS)

We can relive
the fun we had last night

every single week.

Uh...

Uh...

Kaboom.

(LAUGHING)

-(CHAIR WHIRLING)
-BEANS: Woo-hoo!

Where's Chives?
I got to blow my nose.

Blow your nose?
Chives isn't blowing your nose.

He's my butler, not yours, okay?

Did you know that butler
has the word "but" in it?

Beans, get out of my house, okay?

My mom said I could stay
as long as I want.

Well, Beans, doesn't that
tell you something?

Nope.

As requested, Master Louis,
your shorts are laundered,

pressed, and lightly sprayed
with jasmine.

Thank you, Chives.

My underpants don't smell
anything like this.

Chives-- Beans, out.

Get out, Beans!

Chives, do this.

Chives, do that.
Chives, do this.

Master Louis requests
your immediate departure.

Why don't you speak English?

Chives, the annoying neighbor
kid gave me a crick in the neck.

Please, help me.
It's right there.

(KNOCKING)

Chives, door?

Oh, hello, Chives. Um...
May I speak to my brother, Louis?

Good afternoon,
Miss Ren.

I'll announce you.

Master Louis,
you have a visitor.

-I know, Chives. Get rid of her.
-(SIGHS)

-Louis.
-Oh, hey, Ren.

Louis...

Mom signed us up for this
mother-daughter bowling league

and, well, it's gonna be
really embarrassing and...

Well, I just don't have the heart
to tell her that I got to get out of it

and, well, you are the king
of getting out of things

so... help me?

Chives, two words:
heave ho.

Wha...? No!

That's fine.
I will show myself out.

-Thanks a lot, Louis.
-No problem.

(SCOFFS)

Master Louis,
may I speak candidly?

Go ahead. We're buds. Fire away.

In all my years of service

I've never seen
such abominable behavior.

Oh, thanks, Chives.

Abominable is bad, sir.

Oh, well, in that case

(IN ENGLISH ACCENT):
that's enough sass out of you, sir.

(LAUGHING)

Master Louis,
Miss Ren is your sister.

She came to you for help
and you turned her away.

A true gentleman
would never do that.

(BOWLING PINS CRASH)

Isn't this fun? Look,
everybody's here.

(CHUCKLING)

Mom, um,

now that we're in an
official league

I-I think that maybe
we should...

we should be focused

and we should try
and hit a few pins

and we should not get our hands stuck
in the ball return this time.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, Ren, honey, relax.

Nobody takes it
that seriously.

Taylors! Taylors!

(BOTH GRUNT)

Fight, fight, win, win! Mendels!

Come on, honey.
Come on.

Um, Mom, I'm going
to be back in a minute.

LOUIS: Come on, come on.
Oh! Oh... (CLEARS THROAT)

-Hey, there, Ren.
-REN: What are you doing here?

Relax, "Pinky".

Uh, can't a man and his butler bowl?

You don't even like bowling.
You're here to make fun of me.

You may not believe this,
but I'm here to help you.

Louis, I'm embarrassed enough.

I do not need you
doing something stupid.

(EILEEN LAUGHING)

Ren, good to go!

(CHEERING)

(YELLING)

Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo!

(EILEEN CHEERING)

Chives, come on.
Be quiet.

Sir, according to the sign,
we're simply not allowed...

Not allowed.
Chives, no reading!

This is not a library.
Get low. Go, go.

Hey, um... Ma, now I want
you to concentrate.

I want to get one.

One.

Maybe I'm throwing
the ball too hard.

Why don't I take it
down a notch?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Try that.
-Okay.

-Good thinking, Mom.
-Yeah.

Okay, baby.
We'll take it down a notch.

Hey, Ma,
I think this is it.

I hit a pin.

I hit a pin!

Ma, it didn't fall down.

Baby steps.
Baby steps.

Oh, here she is.
Chives, right here.

-Excuse me, sir.
-Yeah?

Exactly how will replacing
your mother's ball

with this identical
magnetic ball

make her a better bowler?

By making it attracted
to this metal bowling pin.

Chives, you shouldn't
have brought it that close.

Okay, pull!

Where is my ball?

No, Mom, hey, hey. Ma, no, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey.

You remember what
we were talking about, right?

-But the ball...
-The firemen.

-Wish me luck, Chives.
-Best wishes, sir.

All right.

-Here it comes. Here it comes.
-Good, good, good.

Ha! Ha-ha!

I find these holes in it.
Here we are! Okay.

Ready?

-Ma?
-Huh?

How'd you do that?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm getting
the hang of this thing.

Come on, Ma.

Ma, yeah!

This is ridiculous.

Again?

My finger's getting tired.

That's right. All right!

All right, everyone.

The winner of our first week

of mother-daughter league
is... Eileen and Ren.

Oh...

(LAUGHS)

Okay, let's celebrate with some
of my homemade noodle loaf.

-Ooh!
-Rubes, break out the forks.

You must be my lucky ball.

(GASPING)

MONIQUE: If I didn't know any better,

I'd say something is
a little funky about that ball.

Let me see that ball.

Oh! I think I just made
a friend here.

I swear I have no idea
what's going on.

I think I have a clue.

-What are you doing back here?
-Uh... uh... we were... we were...

Run Chives! Run for your life!
Come on, Chives!

Oh! Oh!
Run, I'll save you!

(SCREAMING)

Help! Carry me, Chives!
Carry me!

Come back here!

Don't worry.

When we get home I'm going
to punish Louis and Chives.

Mom, it wasn't entirely
Louis's fault.

He was actually
just trying to help me.

Help you?

Can you sit down
a minute, please?

Okay, um...

I really-- I really don't
know how to say this

'cause it's kind of weird
but, um...

I really, really look up to you,
and-- and I respect you.

You're usually, like,
great at everything,

but now you're not.

It's just really kind of...

A little embarrassing?

A lot.

Ren, if you feel this way
why didn't you say something to me?

Well, I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

But Mom... Mom, it was like
you didn't even care.

Didn't you want to win?

Honey, I am in politics.
All I think about is winning.

-Yeah, well, why did you just stop?
-I thought this was just for fun.

I was having a good time
just being with you.

I didn't think it mattered.

Well, it did.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Hey, the champs.
Hey, listen, we're gonna head out

as soon as Rubes finds
her retainer.

Oh! (CHUCKLES) Got it.

So, we'll see you guys
next week?

Um, you know,

oh, my campaign is, is so busy now

I'm not going
to be able to make next week.

BABS: Aw...

Mom, I-- I think we should
come back next week.

-BABS: Yeah.
-Really?

Yeah.

You can make time.

Besides, you know...

you need all the practice
you can get.

(LAUGHING) All right.
So we'll see you next week.

-Bye, honey.
-Okay. (LAUGHS)

Come on. Let's go rent
some bowling tapes.

They make bowling tapes?

Yeah, they'll help you
improve your game.

LOUIS: Let's go! Let's go! Chives!
Come on, they're gaining on us!

Where'd he go?
You see where he went?

-Excuse me, sir.
-What? Yeah? Yeah?

"Banned from bowling"?

What is that?
That's not even my good side.

Dreadful.

(BOTH SCREAM)

Chives, I miss you, buddy.

(KNOCKING)

Chives, you've
come back, buddy!

I missed you.
Just hold me Chives.

Okay, my room's a mess.

The check you used to pay
for my services was, as you say...

bogus.

Chives, I'm really sorry.

And, dude, I feel awful.
I really do.

I wish there was some way
I could make it up to you.

(IN ENGLISH ACCENT):
Gentlemen, a light snack.

Louis, what are you waiting for?

That lovely, crisp bacon
isn't going to crawl

into our mouths.

Right, very sorry, sir.

My deepest apologies.

Here you go.

It's so hard
to find good help these days.

Indeed, sir.

Yes, very, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
hard, sir.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)