03x01 - The Kiss

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

All right,
your soy cookie...

For your
carrot sticks.

-Okay.
-Fruit cup.

I'll take my
soy cookie back.

I get the spoon.

Okay, happy?

It was a pleasure doing
business with you.

It was fun.

Yeah. But, wait, I think
something flew in my eye.

-In your eye?
-Yeah.

Let me see.

-Do you see anything?
-Yeah. There's a little

baby soy cookie crumb
right there. Hold on.

Got it.

Hey, Tawny, what
are you doing?

Uh...

Come on.

We have a costume fitting
for the school play.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Dude, this is huge.
You kissed Tawny?

I definitely,
without a doubt, might have.

Well, please. There's no "might
have" about it, okay?

Kissing is like
basketball.

Either the ball went in
the hoop or it didn't, okay?

So, tell me how long you
"might" have kissed her for.

Dude, I don't know.

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi...?

Well, yeah, like one
Mississippi. At least.

Oh, swish, dude.
You kissed her.

Really?

Uh-oh.
You and... and Tawny.

It's beautiful.

It is. I know.

It... it... it makes me...
want to skip.

Skip it.

I'm going to skip.

Wait. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

There she was,
eating her lunch

and I, like,
jumped on her.

For all I know,
Tawny is disgusted by me.

-Lou, Lou, Lou.
-Dude, I don't know what to...

Hey, hey, calm down.

Just calm down.
Calm down

and let your
Uncle Twitty

go on a little fact-finding
mission. All right?

All right but listen.

You be smooth, all right?

-Butter.
-Lou, I'm all over it.

Mrs. Adams, I am but
a lowly manservant

but the time has come
for your husband

founding father John Adams

to embark on a long
and dangerous journey

to France in this year

of our Lord

.

Yes, Renè, I will
miss him deeply

but I'm sure he will accomplish
many great things for our new country.

Good-bye,
my husband.

Good-bye, my wife.
Renè...

saddle my horse so
I may take my leave.

Cut!

Brilliant!

Genius!

Who wrote this?

I did.

Hey, Tawny.

Don't rush your lines there.
Abigail Adams was a woman of conviction.

It's important that the audience
feels her commitment

her patience, her...

COACH TUGNUT:
Complete boredom.

Excuse me, Coach Tugnut.

Yeah. As theater advisor,
you're entitled to your comments

but I remember our discussion
about having them after the rehearsal.

Can I see you for a moment?

Take five, cast.

Hey, Abigail, want
to grab a root beer?

I suppose, yeah.

Master

will you be needing
my services?

No, Tom.
Are you sure?

I have shillings
for the vending machine.

No, Tom, and feel free
to get out of character.

No, you guys go ahead, okay?

Hey, Twitty.
What's up?

Nothing.

What's up with you?

I'm just rehearsing.

What are you
doing here after school?

Nothing. You know, I was
just in the area

and thought I'd come by,
ask you some questions

you know.

Yeah, so, uh, where...

where are your parents
from originally?

My mother is from Modesto
and my father is from Gilroy.

Right. Gilroy.

You know what, Twitty?
I'm going to stop you, okay.

'Cause eventually you're going
to ask me about the kiss

Louis gave me today at lunch.

Look, if he wants to talk to me about it,
he can talk to me without your help.

Okay?

So, you just tell him
to meet me at his locker

ten minutes
before first period.

Right.

Sweet.

Your play is a rancid pile
of stinking garbage.

What?

Look.

If I can touch one person with the life
of this special woman

then all the
sweat and effort

that I have put
into this is worth it.

Well, according
to the latest box office figures,

The Long (SNORES)
Wait for Freedom

has sold no tickets.

No tickets?

Zip.

Zero.

Squat.

But I... I don't get it.

Abigail Adams is one of the
most inspirational women

of our American history.

Whatever.

Look, they pay me bucks
to be the theater advisor

so let me do some advising.
You want to put fannies in the seats?

Spice up this dog.

-Hi.
-Hi.

You look tired
or something.

Uh...

Yeah. I didn't get
a lot of sleep last night.

You know.

A lot of tossing
and turning.

Thinking a lot

about...
a... a lot of stuff.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah?

What kind of stuff
were you thinking about?

Yesterday.
What happened.

Cafeteria.

So...

It was... very unexpected.

Oh.

But it was nice.

Oh.

Look, Louis, I like you.

I always have
since...

-since the first day I met you.
-Why didn't you tell me?

We could have been
kissing up a storm.

Well, I told myself,
if it was meant to be

it would happen on its own.

And it, and it... and it did.

I've never had a
boyfriend before.

Me neither.

Hey, baby,
want some celery?

Thank you so much.

Only more hours
till I see you.

Yeah. I like anchovies, too.

Louis!

I got to go.

Johnny...

when you didn't
get off that train

I doubted you

and I shouldn't
have, should I?

MAN: No, my darling.
You should never...

She loves him so much.

Gets me every time.

-MAN: You're my number one.
-Give me those.

WOMAN: My ace in the hole.

-MAN: My queen.
-Thanks.

-WOMAN: My muffin man.
-MAN: My cupcake.

That is it.

And I love you,
you big lug.

Tugnut is right.

My play needs the raw,
unbridled passion

of two people in love.

Huh. Family!

I've got a rewrite to do.

I will take dinner in my room.

Dinner? What are we
having for dinner?

Did you adopt him
without telling me?

Donnie?

What did you think
of the movie, honey?

-Neat.
-Neat?

Don't you feel
something inside?

Well, yeah, you know, I kind of
feel something like, right in here.

(BURPS)
There it was.

You know, son...

There's nothing wrong with a man having
a good cry every once in a while.

In fact,
that's healthy.

Really?

You still cry, Dad?

Oh, yeah.

I was a puddle after I lost
that Reinsdorf case.

That was a tough loss.

Darn case!

Excuse me.

Beans...

what's wrong with me?

You mean, besides your breath?

Thanks for walking
me to rehearsal.

Oh, anything
for my beautiful lady.

REN: Come on, guys!
Huddle up.

All right, now I know I hate
to do this to you guys

on such short notice, but I've
made some changes in the script.

Actually, a lot of them.

Oh. Hello.

-Your first girlfriend?
-Yep.

Hmm.

Get ready for a
lifetime of pain.

You cut my speech.

Yeah. That's right, Tom.
A lot of speeches have been cut.

Well, whatever's best
for the play, I suppose.

Okay, good.

Stable hands, there's a lot
of new choreography because

there is a carriage chase
in the second act.

And Zach and Tawny?

Tomorrow night, when that
curtain falls, John and Abigail Adams

are going to be sharing
a steamy, passionate

farewell kiss.

Yee-haw!

-(COUGHING)
-TUGNUT: Yeah!

Now, that's what
people want to see!

Right, Stevens?

(LAUGHING)

REN: Tom, look,
it's nothing personal.

I just had to shorten
your character's speech

to help the pace
of the play.

Pace? What if I did

a brassiere more
energetic manservant?

No, no, no.

No, but, hey! Thank you for the flowers.
They're beautiful.

-Whatever.
-Bye.

Aw, hey, Ren.
Yeah, listen.

I, um...
Excuse me.

I took the time to look over your play
and I came up with a few suggestions, Ren.

-There you go. Yeah, at the end there...
-What is this?

At the end...

You wrote a new
ending to my play?

Yes, yes. It just wasn't working
for me, you know?

Audiences love surprise and
yours was just so predictable.

"John 'twas to exit, Abigail runs
to her husband and gives him a haircut."

-Yeah.
-A haircut?

You're ending my play
with a haircut?

Well, I've never
seen it before, Ren.

I know why you're here.

You just don't want
Zach to kiss Tawny.

Ren, are you trying to humiliate me
in front of my entire school?

No. You can do that
all by yourself without my help.

I'm busy. Goodbye.

No, wait...

Beans!

-(BEANS GIGGLING QUIETLY)
-Beans?

(GIGGLING)

Beans... hey.

Look, I just want
to ask you a question.

All right. What is it?

Okay, well, the way I figure it...
you're eight years old, right?

Yeah, so?

Okay, so you must cry
at least once every day.

Half the time I'm faking.

Beans, come on, you are
a crying machine, man!

I want to cry, too...
I really do...

and I want you
to show me.

All right. Follow me.

You know, Beans, I can't even
remember the last time I cried.

I just want to feel something,
you know? Anything.

What'd you get this for?

Okay, all right. I see
what you're going for.

Well, this is my MVP Trophy

and I'll always feel
very emotional

when I think about winning it

but I don't think
it would ever make me cry.

-Really?
-Nope.

Huh?

How about now?

Beeeaaannn!

Hey, Cutie Pants.

I've been looking
all over for you.

I brought you
my Tater Slabs.

I don't want them.

Louis, is something
the matter?

Louis?

I think you should
quit the play.

What?

Well, it's just,
I don't think

this acting thing is right
for you, you know?

You got to...
you got to do long hours and...

travel all over the place and
you got to memorize lines, too.

Louis, does this have anything
to do with me kissing Zach?

-Who's that?
-Zach.

-Zach?
-Yeah.

Zach. Ha, ha!

Zach is the furthest thing
from my mind, actually.

It's funny that you say that.

Really? Because
you do understand

that what we're doing
up there onstage

it's called "acting".

It's not real.

Really?

Besides, there's
only one person

that I really want to kiss.

So, promise me you'll
be okay with this?

All right, I promise.

I have to go to rehearsal.

Right.

Bye.

So, did you straighten
her out yet?

Would you paranoid freaks
relax?

Everything's fine, okay?

Louis, your honor
has been broached!

A real man would march up
to that Mr. Zach Estrada

and box his ears.

Tom, a real man would
never say "box his ears."

Guys, I'm fine with this.
All Tawny's doing up there

is called "acting."
It doesn't mean anything.

Besides, the only person she
really wants to kiss is me.

Oh, really?

Yes, really.

TAWNY: Have you finished
your chores today, Renè?

TOM: Yes, milady.

Everything has
been spit-shined

and sparkles like
a Dutch whistle.

Oh, you're a loyal
and faithful manservant.

Thank you, milady.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Adieu.

You look ravishing
this evening, Ms. Adams.

You cut quite a dashing
figure yourself, Johnny.

This is really good.

Tawny and Zach are just
adorable together.

Their chemistry
jumps right off the stage.

Care to join me
in the drawing room?

I declare.

(MUFFLED GROANS)

(HORSE WHINNIES)

(HORSE WHINNIES)

Look, this is
the big scene.

Don't... hold... back.

Okay. All right.

Go.

Hey, there.

Humph.

Abigail I've decided
that it's better

for the country
if you stay here.

Oh, but, John, my darling,
I will miss you so much.

Will you think of me often
while you are in France?

I will think of you
on two occasions:

When my eyes are open,
and when they are closed.

Oh, John,
I love you so much.

Sir, your, uh...

Your chariot awaits you!

-What?
-Yeah.

Uh, you have
to come with me at once.

But...
you're not my manservant, Renè.

Uh...

Be gone!

Uh, yeah, well
your manservant Renè...

How did Louis
get your clothes?

He can be very persuasive.

But I must kiss
my wife good-bye.

Nah, dude, you got to
send her a postcard, e-email, something.

We got to miss
rush-hour traffic.

Get onstage.

Go!

Come on.
Unhand him!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

Excuse the undergarments,
milady.

I was under the
cherry tree napping.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

You, sir, are
an impostor!

Resume your good-byes

while I have this scoundrel
tarred and feathered.

(GRUNTING AND YELLING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Aw!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you for coming.

Hope you enjoyed your night.

Don't forget.

Souvenir mugs and T-shirts
for sale in the lobby!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Hey, I... I... I bought you a mug.

It's made out
of genuine porcelain.

Yeah, maybe it's made
out of plastic.

Louis, what is
wrong with you?

You totally humiliated
me out there.

You know what? You are the most
selfish, immature, little...

What'd I tell you?
A lifetime of pain.

Louis, what happened?

You promised me you'd
be okay with this.

I don't know.

Look, you got to understand.

I tried to be mature and cool.

And the next thing I know, I'm
up onstage wearing Tom's pants.

Look, I'm really sorry.

So, what are we supposed to do?

Let's just say, one of us might
not be ready for a relationship.

(LAUGHS QUIETLY)

Yeah, I guess it was, you know

a lot easier when
we were just friends.

Yeah.

Hey, can I keep the sweater?

Of course.

Can I still have
your Tater Slabs?

You know what, I don't think
that's going to work out.

(SIGHS) Well, I guess I'll
see you around, then.

Friends?

All right.

You know what?

One more thing.

Hey, so a few
props fell over.

That's the beauty
of live theater.

-Dad, it was a fiasco.
-Yeah, it was.

Ren, I remember you saying

that if you could touch
just one person

it would make it
all worthwhile.

Really?
Well, who did I touch?

(CRYING)

When his eyes are opened

and when his eyes
are closed.

That's all the time!