03x08 - Close Encounters of the Beans Kind

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

WEXLER: Each of you holds in your hands

the profile of the student
you will be tutoring

in the county-wide
"Writing is Fun!" program.

You've been randomly assigned
a third grader

from somewhere in the county

to shepherd through the exciting
world of creative writing.

But before we open your envelopes
and meet your little buddies

I'd like to thank you for volunteering.

Okay?

You may now open your envelopes
and meet your little friend.

Oh, no!

This cannot be happening.

Just think of all the gazillions
of kids who need tutors, you got me.

I know. All right, you know what?

How about you stay out of my drawers?

Okay, Beans,
so, let's get started, shall we?

What do you want to write about?

How about... pretzels?

Why pretzels?

'Cause they're bendy and salty

-and you dip them in mustard.
-Hmm.

On second thought
how about we just eat some?

Uh, Beans, you can have pretzels later.

Right now, you are gonna do
some creative writing.

-What's that? It sounds hard.
-No. No, it's not so hard.

It's just making up stories.

Okay. I can do that.

I got nothing.

(SIGHS)

MAN: (ON TV)
And the last thing I remember

was a blinding light shining in my truck
and I woke up in a turnip field

and my shoelaces were gone.

I'm sure it was them aliens.

Is this the fabricated story
of a lonely chicken farmer,

or indisputable proof
that aliens walk amongst us?

One thing we know for sure,
we are not alone.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

-Hey, dude.
-What?

Do you think aliens
really live among us?

Well, we don't have turnip fields
in Sacramento.

Do we?

Well, I don't know.
What's a turnip look like?

-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-(BOTH GASPING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Dude, you want to get
the door with me, man?

Why?

I just, uh...
think it would be funner

if, uh, we did it together, you know?

Okay. Sure.

Okay, go ahead, buddy.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

My name's Mason.

I'm looking for Bernard Aranguren.

Bernard... Oh, Beans.
Yeah, he's up with my sister.

Why? What's the problem?

You let me worry about that.

Okay.

All right, I'll go get him.

-So, Mason...
-I'd prefer you didn't talk.

(MOUTHING)

Okay, you know what?
Um, forget imagination.

Just... Just write
what you're feeling right now.

Oh, I could do that.

Good. That's great.

-Does "gassy" have two S's or three?
-(SIGHS)

-Two.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-LOUIS: Ren? Ren, open the door.
-Hold on.

You know what? Just keep working,
and, um, you're doing great.

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Yes. What is it?

Some creepy guy in a suit
wants to see Beans.

Hold on one second.

Beans, uh...

(CHAIR SQUEAKING)

Okay, he was right here a minute ago.

Oh, well.

Oh. Good. You're back.

Yeah, so, uh, Beans isn't here.

When do you expect him home?

-Home? I mean, he doesn't live here.
-No.

Interesting.

He gave this address as his residence.

-That is interesting.
-Yeah.

You know where he lives?

-Down by the restaurant on...
-Like, four blocks.

-No. On Fourth Street by the restaurant.
-You sure?

Okay. I see how it's gonna be.

Well, you tell your little friend Bernard
that Mason's looking for him.

Mason, why don't you just tell us
what this is regarding

and then maybe we can...

It's regarding
official government business.

We know about the long journey home.

Dude, that Mason guy
was pretty creepy, huh?

-Yeah.
-Comes over here looking for...

Dude, what are you doing?

-I don't know.
-What's up?

What's up, Beans?
Um, some guy was looking for you, buddy.

I never heard of him.

Yeah, I...
I didn't even say his name yet, buddy.

But his name's Mason.

Never heard of him, either.

You know, Beans, um,

he said he knew about
the long journey home.

I don't know what you're talking about.
I got to go.

Dude...

isn't it weird that Beans is always here
and we don't know where he lives?

Yeah, yeah, or how he got here.

LOUIS: Dude, where is he going?

(BEEPING)

Hey, dude, where did your dad
get these night vision binoculars anyway?

I don't know.
I'm not supposed to ask.

(WHIRRING)

LOUIS: Oh! I lost him.

Where'd he go?

I don't know. I saw him scurrying
into those bushes right there,

and then that's where I lost him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Buddy, buddy, look!

Are those his footprints right there?
You see them?

-Dude, let's follow him.
-Yeah.

Nice.

Dude?

These prints just end.
They just stop right there.

-They stop?
-Yeah.

Well, uh, maybe he flew away, right?

(LAUGHS)
Right?

Dude, I... I don't know.
This is getting kind of freaky.

You just want to get out of here?

Yeah, kind of.

All right.

Wait.

(INSECTS CHIRPING, COYOTES YIPPING)

Dude, which way is out of here?

-Didn't we come up from up there?
-Wait one second.

-I've got my compass right here.
-Oh, nice.

Um, it's...

Why is my compass freaking out?

Dude, I don't know.
Maybe, uh, there's some...

Some magnetic fields coming off
of Beans' mother ship, right?

(BOTH LAUGH)

(CRYING)

Oh, my God!

(WHINY CHITTERING)

(STAIRS CREAKING)

(CHITTERING)

Beans, you are early.
Let's see how you're doing.

Don't look.

Well, why? I just want to see
what your story's about.

When the time is right,
the whole world will know my story.

Oh, come on. Well, I...
I can see that you're motivated

so I'll just... I'll...

Hmm.

(SIZZLING)

Oh, that is a genius, buddy.

Yeah, buddy.
It really wasn't anything.

All I did was take
the antitheft tracking device

out of my mom's car
and soldered it to this here belt.

Oh, yeah? Now, all we've got to do
is get old Beans wear it

and track him straight
to his mother ship.

It shouldn't be long now.

I smell pig strips.

I told you.

(BEEPING)

Wow! Cool belt!

Yeah. This little thing.

You can't have it, Beans.
It's a big boy belt.

I could sport that belt if I wanted.

-I don't know.
-TWITTY: Lou, come on.

It's too tight for you anyways, man.

I don't know.

No. I don't think so, dude.
His fingers are too greasy.

-He'll get it all over the place.
-No. Look.

Look, he's a good kid. He loves the belt.
Come on, cut him a break.

Please.

All right, Beans.

But you got to promise me, dude.

You got to be careful with this belt.
You got to take it straight home.

-I promise.
-LOUIS: You promise? All right, dude.

-You promised.
-Okay, I promise.

All right, dude.

-There you go.
-Get it really tight.

-LOUIS: There you go, buddy.
-BEANS: Cool.

(BELT BEEPING)

(BEEPING)

(PANTING)

Dude, I don't think anyone
lives out here.

Stay the course, Twitty. Stay the course.

Let's go. Let's go!

It looks like he's headed
for that clearing over there.

-Yeah?
-See it?

Go!

I'm right behind you.

This is not a spaceship.

Spaceship? It's a house, Twitty.

TWITTY: Dude, I cannot believe
we went through all that.

Yeah, I think we went
a little overboard this time.

I mean, check it out. It's a normal house
with a normal mailbox

-and a normal porch.
-Yeah.

BEANS: Mom, Dad, I'm home.

And two normal giant-sized
termite parents!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Mommy!

You guys realize that
this is completely crazy, right?

Beans is a pest, but he's not some big,
giant alien bug.

No, no, I saw what I saw, all right?

I know what I saw.
You saw what I saw, too.

-I saw it.
-So you can't tell me that.

There was this big,

huge exoskeletal being
walking around like this, all right?

Look, Ren, all I know

is that if Beans starts
sprouting tentacles I'll be all over it.

Come on, Beans.

Hey, guys.

Donnie, Louis and Twitty think
that Beans and his family

are a big bunch of alien bugs
from another planet.

-TWITTY: That's right.
-I saw it. I saw what I saw.

Whatever. Hey, Lou,
tell Mom I'm borrowing the car.

-All right.
-(REN SIGHS)

Well, if you'll please excuse me,
I have a termite to tutor.

(IN BUG-LIKE VOICE) Whatever, Ren,
whatever you say. Whatever tutor says.

Beans?

(GROANS)
Beans, you may not be an alien

but you are definitely a slob.

Oh, look.

He finished his story.
How sweet.

What is this?

-Louis!
-What was that?

(LOUIS GRUNTS)

Stop.

Look, there's something really weird
going on with Beans.

-Oh, you think so?
-Yeah, yeah.

Look what he wrote for his story.

All this?

REN: Mm-hmm.

Man, that is so E.T.

You know what this is?
This here... This...

-is a manual to take over the planet.
-You're right.

Whatever it is, it's creeping me out.

BOTH: It's creeping...

That just creeped me out.

-(BANGING AT DOOR)
-(ALL GASP)

Ren, you wanna get that?
I'm busy right now.

-Oh, no way. No way, Louis.
-I'm busy, I'm doing stuff.

-Go.
-LOUIS: Okay. Fine. Just chill.

(BANGING AT DOOR)

That's the guy.

That's the government agent,
that's the guy who's looking for Beans.

-He's at the door right now.
-REN: Government agent?

-He's at the door.
-Yeah, he was here the other day.

-I think he's with the ATD.
-Yeah.

ATD.

Yeah, you know,
the Alien Tracking Department.

This is so ridiculous.

Really? Really?

Well, the other day, he told us

to tell Beans that he knew
all about the long journey home.

What about that right there?

Yeah, and what did Beans say
when you told him?

-Told me what?
-Oh.

ALL: Beans.

I've been looking
all over for you guys.

Are you trying to avoid me?

-No.
-No. No, actually...

I know what you're thinking.

Dude, dude, he's in our brains!

No eye contact!
Look away! Look away!

-(BANGING ON WINDOW)
-(SCREAMING)

Bernard Aranguren,
I know you're in there!

Oh, no, that's Mason.
You guys got to hide me!

Right here.
Underneath this. Get under.

TWITTY: Beans, Beans, Beans.

-Right here, buddy.
-Under here.

MASON: I know you're in there!

Look, I know you're not like us
and that's okay, you know?

-It's not a problem.
-(MASON YELLING)

But you gotta be honest with me.
You know what I'm saying?

You gotta be honest.

-What's going on?
-It's hard to explain,

but that guy Mason's out to get me.

-He's a very bad man.
-(BANGING AT DOOR)

Aranguren, it's over.
You cannot run anymore.

(BANGING AT DOOR)

Please, you guys got to help me.

You don't know what he would do
to someone like me.

He'd probably split you up the gut
and dissect you.

-(SCREAMING)
-Stop, stop, stop.

Guys, we have got to get Beans
out of here.

This is so much fun.

Fun? How much do you weigh?
(GRUNTS)

Aranguren!

Aranguren, I see you!

-You can't hide anymore!
-Hang on, Beans.

I'll get you, Aranguren.

(LAUGHS)
We got him b*at.

Beans, we did it, buddy. We did it, man!

We're free!
Enjoy your freedom, Beans.

Feel the wind in your face.

I think I got a bug in my teeth.

Mm, crunchy.

(POLICE CHATTER OVER RADIO)

Reporting a stolen bike.

(SIREN BLARING)

Beans!

OFFICER: Please stop your bike now
and pull over to the left.

It's not looking good, Beans.
Get down.

Get down.

OFFICER: Pull over.

-Pull your bike over to the left.
-It's not looking good, man.

OFFICER: Please pull over.

Oh, man, Beans.
(SCREAMS)

(CHEERING)

Beans, you did it!
We're flying, buddy!

I'm the king of the world, Beansy!

-Hmm?
-(SCREAMING)

(LOUIS AND BEANS GROANING)

(SIREN BLARING)

-Beans, you okay?
-Yeah.

-LOUIS: Coppers!
-(TIRES SCREECH)

I'll take it from here, Officer.

EILEEN: Boys, are you okay?

LOUIS: Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm fine.
-He's not fine.

He thought we could fly.

People, listen.

There's no reason to be scared
of this boy or his alien ways.

All right? 'Cause I think
with love and understanding,

Beans and his family, his whole family,

can become upstanding citizens
of our community.

Louis, I think you may have a fever.
Let me feel your head.

No, no, no, Mom, I'm fine.

Mom, um, Louis thinks,

and there is some evidence
to support this theory

that, um, Beans is from another planet.

What? No, I'm not.

Beans, look, dude. Look, man.

There's no reason
to pretend anymore, all right?

You're with friends.

Come on, nobody's
gonna dissect my little buddy.

That's right, Beans.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, before the kid goes back to Pluto,
he better cough up that library book.

What? Library book?

Sacramento Public Library

takes the matter of overdue
publications very seriously.

I was gonna return it on time,

but I didn't think
there'd be so many words.

Wait, hold on.

Long Journey Home?

You work for the library?

And we always get our book.

Just tell me one thing.

Does Ginger the talking sheep
make it back to her flock?

All right, fine, fine.
That was one coincidence.

It's not a big thing.

What about the, uh...
What about the police car

that was chasing us
at down the street?

Because you forgot to tell Mom
I borrowed the car, you lunk head.

She reported it stolen.

They turned on the antitheft system
and led us right to you.

Which I put on Beansy's belt buckle.

Louis, you are in so much trouble.

There's a reason for it.
There's a reason we did that.

We were following him
and his footprints disappeared, Mom.

No, what happened was...

Fine, maybe he was in the tree.
But what about Twitty's compass?

Huh? It was spinning around

because what was happening
was Beans was manipulating

the Earth's ultra-magnetic field
to make it spin around all crazy.

Why's my compass freaking out?

Louis, a simple magnet
could mess up a compass.

Um, you mean like my lucky magnet?

LOUIS: Oh, Twitty. I don't believe this.

Any other unexplained
phenomenon, honey?

Yes, uh...

Ren, Ren, what about the alien manifesto
he wrote on your computer?

Now, wait.

I have a feeling that this, too,
has a logical explanation.

BEANS: Hmm... "weird symbols."
What's that?

Cool.

"Weird symbols" font.

You know, I always wondered
what that was for.

All right, fine. Fine,
there's an explanation for everything.

Except one little detail.

Beansy's parents are giant termites!

What about that, Beans?

Yeah, what about that?

(IMITATES ALIEN)

-DAD: We come in peace.
-MOM: But we leave in pieces.

DAD: If bugs are bugging you
call the folks at Aranguren Exterminators.

MOM: They'll zap 'em.

BOTH: Zap 'em good.

So your parents are exterminators.

They were trying on
their costumes for their commercial.

You see, Beans,
I told them, you know.

Twitty and Ren, they came
to this horrible conclusion

and for that, I am very sorry, Beans.

Nice try, Louis, but I'm sorry.

-Yeah, me, too, buddy.
-It still hurts.

Yes, it's very sad.
You can go home now.

What about dinner?

-We're, uh...
-Mom, Mom...

It's the least we could do.

I suppose.

What about pudding for dinner?
I like pudding.

Oh, how about Chinese food?

No, no, no, no!
Stop it, that's my Chinese.

(ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)

WEXLER: And I can't tell you

how proud I am that you were
able to inspire your tutees

to write such wonderful stories.

One in particular
really tickled my funny bone.

(LAUGHS)
Let's see, here it is.

"'My Day as an Alien,'
by Bernard Aranguren."

(LAUGHS)
What a hoot.

Tell us, Ren, how did you get
the little guy to be so creative?

Oh, well, let's just say
some kids have big imaginations.

Hey, Dad. That was a close one, huh?

(CHITTERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)