03x12 - The King Sloppy

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

(CHEERING)

What do you think of the robe?
It's not too flashy?

No, sir, you look very regal.

Hear ye, hear ye.

May I present
our foreign exchange student

from the great nation of England,

Lady Jane of Bushwick.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Welcome, Lady Jane.

I am Conrad Wexler,\
Headmaster of Lawrence Junior High.

I do hope the limousine
was long enough for you.

And, Lady Jane, I'm Ren Stevens.
I'm gonna be your host for the week.

Oh, just call me Jane.

Um, really,
I wasn't expecting all of this.

Oh, pish-posh. This is nothing.

(BAND PLAYS
"LONDON BRIDGE IS FALLING DOWN")

(APPLAUSE)

You know, thank you so much,

but, um, there's really no need
for all this pomp and circumstance.

(BAND PLAYS "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE")

Lady Jane is in your hands.

I spoke to her father,
the Duke of Bushwick, personally,

and assured him
that his daughter would have

a rich, cultural experience
here in America.

Don't worry, sir.
I take this responsibility very seriously.

I assure you, Lady Jane will see
all that America has to offer.

Ren, just a word of warning
about your brother Louis.

Oh, no need to worry, sir.

Contact will be at a minimum
between Lady Jane and Louis.

Anyway, he's been very busy lately
doing some sort of research project.

LOUIS: Good form.

No, no, his breathing's
all wrong, man.

Oh, you're right,
he's not pacing himself.

So, uh, ounces,
that's, like, how many pounds?

Oh, forget about it.
Don't even try to do the math.

It's a whole lot of beef,
leave it at that.

TWITTY: Think we can handle it?

Let's see.

It's free if you eat it in half an hour.

You're allowed one restroom break
and positively no vomiting.

But, dude, if you can do that,

the winners get their photo

on the King Sloppy Wall of Fame.

Aw, dude, we've got to be on the wall.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Whoo! Sorry, partner.

Looks like King Sloppy wins again.

(LAUGHING)

Pay the bill, amigo.

(SIGHS) Louis, I don't know, man.

I mean, if the Stomach right here
can't even handle it, how can we?

There's only one guy who can.

Mike Hagerman?

Mike Hagerman.

As you can see,

we've prepared a wonderful
all-American feast for you.

Well, this is quite lovely.

Yes, well,
we have lobsters from Maine,

potatoes from Idaho...

And all of these plates
are from the china cabinet.

(LAUGHTER)

-STEVE: That's very funny, honey.
-Huh, hmm, yeah.

You see, my wife just made
a typical American joke.

Little one.

Let's dig in, shall we?

Uh, where's Louis?

Louis will not be here.

Somebody told him
that dinner was canceled.

-Anyhoo...
-Who's Louis?

Just a kid who says he's my brother.
Would you like a Kansas corn muffin, Jane?

(PANTING AND GRUNTING)

Come on, buddy.

(BOTH PANTING)

Louis, I can't do it anymore.

Come on. We've got to stretch
the stomach muscles.

One more set. Ready, go.

-(CHUCKLING)
-Oh!

Hey there!

You're the, uh, princess
who's living with us, right?

-I'm, uh, Louis. This is Twitty.
-What's up?

JANE: Hi. But actually,

I'm not a princess.
My father's a duke.

It's okay. I know how you feel.

My dad can be like that,
too, sometimes.

Anyways, so what do you...
think about this?

It's a rather daft-looking jumper,
don't you think?

-What's that?
-JANE: You know, "daft."

Silly.

Oh.

And I believe you call a "jumper"
a... "sweater."

-Sí.
-Excuse him.

Um, Louis, come here for a second.

Yeah, bud, just real fast. What's up?

Um, I don't think Mike Hagerman's
gonna be seen wearing a daft jumper.

What are you talking about?

Mike Hagerman
is the daftest guy we know.

-Come on. (CHUCKLES)
-Okay.

Who is this Mike Hagerman chap?

Oh, Mike Hagerman... he's a legend.

Oh, no, legend? (SCOFFS)
He's an American hero.

He's helping us out Sunday.
We're gonna chow down the King Sloppy.

Come on, dude, back to work.

One more set, ready?
Let's get this going.

What's a King Sloppy?

King Sloppy is the world's biggest,

-greasiest, sloppiest hamburger.
-(GRUNTING)

And where does one find
this King Sloppy?

Oh, only one place.

Tex Nagita's Burger Bonanza.

Dude, dude, try this one.

Try this one all the way through.

All the way through,
all the way through, there you go.

Jane, no!

(GASPS)

Oh, gosh, no.

Jane, you should not be seeing this.
Come here.

I'm so sorry you had to see that.
Whatever it was.

You see, my brother,
he's not typical of this country.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna show you
all that America has to offer.

(MARCHING BAND TUNE PLAYING)

Here we are ending our visit
at the Big Head museum.

Look, look, look, look, look.

It's Warren Hardcastle.
This guy was so fascinating.

Oh, why don't you do it? It's your turn.

Have a go at it. (CHUCKLES)

I'm Lieutenant Governor
Warren Hardcastle.

In , I instituted legislation

which insured the safety
of the San Joaquin water table.

In my later years, I developed
a case of psoriasis...

(SLOWING) Which prevented me
from wearing

short sleeve shirts in the summer.

(GASPING)

Um... uh...

I think that about wraps it up

for our trip here.

What do you want to do now?

You know, maybe we should just go home.

I would like a little bit of a lie down.

Oh, a lie down. Okay.

(FANFARE PLAYS)

Tom, that's enough.

Oh, well, excusez-moi.

You're the one who asked me
to follow you around all day.

I didn't say "all day."
I said a few places.

Oh, oh, what?
Now I'm the bad guy, what?

(BELL DINGS)

Hot diggity, I like them little bells.

Anyway, I'm here
for the King Sloppy challenge.

Why, hey, now. You got it, partner.
(CHUCKLES)

Say, now, what do you go by?

Well, name's Mike. Mike Hagerman.

Well, okay, Mike Hagerman.

I'm just gonna go over there,
set up a table,

and, uh, you... loosen your pants.

Thank you, sir. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, now.

I'm in.

Proceed to step two, over.

Okay, uh,
going to step two. Over, Mike.

I'm mean, uh, me Mike,
not you Mike. Over.

Beans, what are you doing?

I heard there was a princess in there.

Shh. She's not a princess.

She's a lady,
and she's having a lie down.

That's baloney.
There's no one lying down in there.

What are you...

Beans, you're gonna wake her up.

"Went out for some fun.
Best regards, Jane."

Give me that.

She's gone.

I lost Lady Jane.

Smells like she left
about half an hour ago.

Gosh, this is awful.

I was entrusted to watch Lady Jane
and now I lost her.

BEANS: Wouldn't want to be
in your shoes.

How do you walk in these things?

Beans.

Ew!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Maybe that's her.

Dang it. I mean...

Principal Wexler.

Dang it, it's good to see ya.
(CHUCKLES)

WEXLER: Good evening, Ren.

We have a big surprise for Lady Jane.

This is her father,
the Duke of Bushwick.

The Duke of Bushwick is in town
on diplomatic business.

So, where's my little Jane?

(LOUD GULP)

Funny you should ask that...

'Cause she's upstairs.
She's taking a nap.

Would you be so kind
as to awaken her?

I'm on a rather tight schedule.

Make yourself at home.

Okay, think.

Think, Beans. Where could she be?

Wait a second. Wait a second.

Yes.

Uh, Ren, have you ever heard of a place
called Tex Nagita's Burger Bonanza?

That's it.

DUKE: Janie, darling, guess who.

(SIGHS)

(IMITATING BRITISH ACCENT)
Um, just a moment, Father.

I'm just finishing some crumpets
and a spot of tea.

Mm, crumpets.

I need you to go downstairs
and entertain the Duke

while I go and look for Lady Jane.

BEANS: All throughout history
Americans loved to dance.

In the ' s, it was the Charleston.

(CHARLESTON TUNE PLAYING)

(ALARM BLARING)

(CHEERING)

Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby.

Seventy-two ounces
of unforgiving sloppiness.

You know the rules.

One half hour, one bathroom break...

Tex, come on, buddy,
my burger's getting cold.

Well, hey, now, let's do it, then.

-Yee-ha!
-(BELL DINGS)

(SONG PLAYING)

Everybody's swimming
Like a fish in the sea

Now, little fishies
We're blowing bubbles

Talking underwater
Can you hear what I say now?

Little fishies
We're blowing bubbles

(CLOCK TICKING)

(STOMACH GURGLING)

LOUIS: (OVER RADIO)
Mike, over.

Uh, yeah, Mike. How you doing?
Did you finish your half?

(BELCHING)

I'll take that as a yes.

Prepare to switch.

All right. Copy that. Copy that.

I'm sorry to disturb you

when you're eating
your rather large and sloppy burger,

but, uh, by any chance,
are you Mike Hagerman?

Nope. Never heard of him.

How you doing, Mr. Hagerman?

-I thought I recognized that daft jumper.
-Shh, shh, shh.

Okay, yes, I'm Louis. Hi. Hi.

Yeah, you got to stop
'cause you're blowing my cover.

Oh. Oh, I see what's going on.

-A bit of the old hanky-panky.
-No, no.

This isn't like your English hanky-panky.
This is big-time.

I'm desperate for a giggle.
Can I just please join in, please?

Look, hey, look,
you're at a seven right now.

You need to be at a four.

-A four?
-A four.

(WHISPERING)
Is this four? Can I stay?

Pretty please?

All right, but you've got to be cool.

-Cool.
-You know what I'm saying? Quieter.

-Good show, good show.
-Yes.

-At four.
-Good.

(JANE GRUNTS)

Ahh.

-Where do you think you're going?
-Uh, howdy.

Um... I'm going to the restroom.

You know, I'm gonna use
my one allotted restroom break.

I'll be back in two, all right, big guy?

I'll be right back.

Rules are, I got to go
to the bathroom with you.

LOUIS: Um...

You know what I just realized?

Um, that my bladder's only half full.

Or, um, half empty,
depending on how you look at life.

I'm gonna go over there.

Mayday, Mike. Mayday, Mike.
The sloppsky's hit the fansky.

-(MUSIC PLAYING)
-Look at me I'm the black emcee

Show the world that I got degrees

Bup-bup-bup-bup
Bup-bup-bup-bup, ah

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

And then, after the robot,
came the worm.

(HIP-HOP PLAYING)

This is an outrage!
I demand to see my daughter.

Young man,
where are Ren and Lady Jane?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Tex Nagita's Burger Bonanza.

I've got to create a diversion.

Get Twitty out here
to come switch with me.

Looking a little green
around the gills there, Hagerman.

Pardon me.

But I'd like to have a go
at one of your charming King Sloppys.

Well, now, you got it, little lady.

Luther, another King Sloppy.

Grill 'em up, por favor.

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

Mike two, this is Mike one.

Come out and stay low. Over.

(CHEERING)

Oh, excuse me.

Um, but I ordered the King Sloppy.

This burger's not big enough
for you, ma'am?

How you feeling, Mike?

Hold on.

-(STOMACH GURGLING)
-(GAGGING)

(CHUCKLES)

-Ah.
-(BELL DINGS)

-Yeah?
-(WHISPERS)

No kidding.

TEX: Well, hey, now.

Looks like you got
your appetite back.

I guess so.

Hey, Tex.

I got me some eating to do here,

So, what do you say
you wrassle me up a refill

on this here orange soda, okay?
(CHUCKLES)

Something wrong?

You was drinking grape soda.

-Was I?
-Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, I guess maybe all this meat

has destroyed my ability
to recognize flavors, okay?

Well, now, I do believe
we got us a two-fer.

-Uh...
-Luther, check the bathroom.

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

Uh, what's a two-fer?

Two for one.

It's the oldest con
in the over-sized burger business.

This is an outrage!
I'm Mike Hagerman!

Mike Hagerman, meet Mike Hagerman.

-Mike Hagerman.
-Yes.

My long lost twin brother
with the same exact name!

-How done you been, brother?
-I been good!

-I missed you so much!
-All right!

That's enough
out of you two frauds.

Now, boys, what we got here
is a situation.

TEX: Luther, watch these boys.

I'll be right back.

Louis, what are you doing?

Mike Hagerman is the name.

Why does everyone keep doing that?

Where is Lady Jane?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

MAN : Come on, Janie, come on!

MAN : You can do it, Janie, come on.
You can do it.

(CHEERING)

What is she doing here?

Looks like she's polishing off
a King Sloppy.

A King Sloppy?

-Louis.
-CROWD: Janie! Janie!

What did you do to her?
She's nobility.

So what? She's a kid just like us.
She wants to have fun.

(CROWD CHANTING)
Janie, Janie, Janie...

MAN : There you go!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

WOMAN: Come on, Janie!

One more time. Break it down.

-Janie.
-Janie.

One more time. Janie.

America rocks.

(LAUGHS)

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

-Jane?
-Hello, Daddy.

Daddy?

Jane, you must desist
this barbaric display at once.

-But, Daddy, you don't understand...
-DUKE: Not another word.

So, this is your idea
of a rich cultural experience?

I... I... I...

This is not Principal Wexler's fault.
It's mine.

You see,

I thought that your daughter
should see the high points

of American culture.

And, well, then I realized
that all the galleries

and symphonies
and big head museums

are not what make this country great.

It's also the fun of coming to a place

like Tex Nagita's Burger Bonanza

and scarfing down a King Sloppy

no matter how disgusting
that may be.

So, Mr. Duke, sir,

I'm really glad that Jane
got to see this side of America,

and I don't think that me or Mr. Wexler

or Mike Hagerman
should have to apologize for it.

("AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" PLAYING)

Take five, boys.

(BELCHING)

Oh, pardon me.

Actually, don't pardon me.

I'm having fun.

Well, if Jane's having fun,
then... I'm having fun.

WEXLER: Well, then,

should I order up
a couple of those King Sloppys?

-Of course not.
-Right.

Ren, thank you
for looking after Janie.

You're welcome, sir.

(CROWD CHANTING)
Janie, Janie, Janie...

She did it!
She finished the King Sloppy!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHING)

Well, goodnight, everyone.

We've had a smashing time.

(LAUGHING)

Goodnight.

-Goodnight.
-Goodnight.

Now, where do you think
you two cowpokes are goin'?

Uh... home maybe?

No?

One King Sloppy unfinished.

That'll be bucks.

Well, Mike, I guess this thing
didn't quite work out

the way we thought it would, Mike.

Yeah, man, the Mike thing's
really not that funny anymore.

Right.