01x03 - Legend of the Drunken Monkey

[bunniefuu]

[pages riffling]

[dramatic theme playing]

♪

♪

♪

BRYCE: I mean, sure,
watching a head explode is cool.

But the real pros aim for the spine.

That's what holds
everything together, you know.

You sh**t out that cord,

it's like cutting
the strings to a marionette.

The body just goes whoomp, limp.

[chuckles]

Okay, come on.
What are we doing here?

Let's get your furry little head
out of the clouds

and let's go figure out
who hired Kato.

[whimpers]

[grunts]

Oh, you don't want to k*ll anymore?
[grunts]

Okay, well, that's fine.

We'll call it a day on this
whole "revenge plot"

and open up
a pizzeria, right?

- Huh? I'm joking.
- Hmm?

Of course we're not going
to stop k*lling people.

That's the whole point of this...

[screeching]

Um, okay.

So that's it, you're done?
Alright, fine.

Well, then give me back
my sunglasses.

[grunts]
Those are cool guy shades

and you are no longer a cool guy,

so you don't get
to wear 'em anymore.

[hooting]

Hey, keep it down up there.

People are trying to pray.

Who's this clown?
[grunts]

Eh, keep walking, Mr. Clean.

[whimpers]

Tch, tch, tch, tch.
I do not ask that you apologize.

I ask that you respect the shrine.

Huh?
[monk laughs]

It is true. I am fluent
in the tongue of monkey.

- [hooting]
- I wouldn't get too excited.

This guy's wandering around in pajamas
with those weird cue ball eyes.

[Monkey growls]
Clearly he's deranged.

Well, at least I'm not dead.

Hey, assh*le, we're kind of
in the middle of something here,

so maybe you should just go on
and play dress up

with your friends over there and...

Holy sh*t!
Wait, can you hear me?

Dude! What a relief.

I have been jibber-jabbering
with this dumb-ass monkey

for two weeks now!

[laughs]

Whoa!

♪

♪

Fate in her infinite wisdom

has tethered you together
for a reason.

Yeah, to take out the pieces of sh*t

who k*lled me
and his monkey crew.

We're supposed to be
on this revenge-quest together.

But I swear to God,
I feel like I'm over here

doing all the k*lling by myself.

[growls]

- When I was a young...
- [screeching]

What are you talking about?

I watched you mow down
badass commandos

like it was a game of Contra.

As I was saying, the sacred texts...

- [screeching]
- You are cut out for this.

Feelings are for suckers. Okay?

I'm the brain.
You're the muscle.

- You need to nut up and do your job...
- Listen!

Silence! Both of you.

How can you listen
to each other

when you won't even listen
to yourselves?

You are lost.

But if you allow it,

your journey will guide you
to the truth.

Your path may be rocky,
but in time,

you will come to develop
the calluses necessary

to keep moving forward

and fulfill your destiny.

[whines, huffs]

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's gonna get some blisters.

What about me?
What do I get?

A barren field...

where nothing can grow

until you find the seed of evil

and rip it from the soil.

Only then shall you ascend.

Are you kidding me?

Of course he was saying
I'm in charge!

I'm the one that needs
to find the evil seed

so I can blow
this pop stand.

[grunting]

No, no, no. How can we be
on separate paths

when we're stuck together?

We're going the same place.
And I'm leading the way.

[hooting]

Man, I've been k*lling people
for over years.

You've been doing it, what?
For minutes?

[Monkey grunts]

So who makes the most sense
to be in charge, huh?

[screeching]

Nope, wrong again.

Not the one with the body.
The one with the brain. That's me.

The same brain that wisely told you
to grab Kato's wallet at the funeral.

[grunts]

It's wise because we can use
his driver's license

to get his address.

Ta-da.
[grunts]

Oh, uh...

Okay, well, you know how you piss
on everything to mark your territory?

An address is like
the human version of that.

POLICE CAPTAIN: There's a g*dd*mn
sh*t storm raining down on me.

Which means it's now
raining down on you.

We've got old ladies
getting sawed in half,

dead politicians,

and a Yakuza g*ng w*r
spilling out onto the streets.

We should tell them
about the monkey, Ito-keiji.

- There's nothing to tell.
- The fur. The surveillance video.

- We have evidence.
- Mmm.

We're detectives, and our job is
to follow the evidence

- wherever it leads us, right?
- Mmm.

Back home, I worked a case

where sweet potatoes kept disappearing
from Mr. Yamaguchi's farm.

Anyway, animals are capable
of committing crimes, too.

I don't understand. Why can't we
just tell them our theory?

You mean our theory
that a monkey in a suit

is running around town
k*lling gangsters?

Hey, I know you like to blabber
when you're drunk,

but the rest of us are trying
to pay attention.

Turn around
before I grab that ponytail

and shove it up
your partner's ass.

You know what?
You're a d*ck, Ito.

Now does anyone have any actual leads
that we can follow up on?

[officers murmuring]
[man clears throat]

[sighs]

Don't. Haruka, please.
D-don't!

Yes, Haruka.

ITO: Ah, Jesus.

[raucous laughter]

♪

[Monkey hoots]

[thuds]

[laughs]

Who says having a little toddler bod
doesn't have its advantages,

am I right?
[hoots]

Whoa. Looks like the General
was losing his battle with debt.

[chuckling]

You know, because of the bills?

Because he owes money?

Honestly, I feel like
these are wasted on you.

No! Monkey, no!

[horn blares]

Hey, I'm sure
the kid's better off without him.

I never knew my dad
and look at me, I turned out great.

- [footsteps thudding]
- MAN: Oh no, it's no...

Oh sh*t.
We got company.

Hey, Captain Big Heart,

they're coming
this way, alright?

Time to hide. Let's go!

[whimpers, hoots]

You don't even know
if that's his kid.

Probably just some child soldier
he was prepping for battle.

Why do we always get
the clean-up jobs?

I didn't join the Yak' to sweep floors
like some stupid-ass maid.

Would you quit with the job-shaming?

My aunt was a maid.
She worked really hard.

We get it.
You're the conflicted k*ller.

Super original.
But seriously,

save it for Oprah.

It's easy. Just point and sh**t
till the bad guys go bye-bye.

HIGHLIGHTS: It just feels like
we're their errand boys. You know,

I spent all morning driving
around trying to find a stupid blowfish...

Hey, shut up.
You hear that?

[groans] Probably just a rat.

- This place is a sh*thole!
- Right?

The guy doesn't even have
a K TV.

Ho ho ho ho, look at this!

Hey, put that back.
We're not here to steal.

We're here to scrub.

HIGHLIGHTS: No way. Teppei said
if I find something cool, I can have it.

BALDY:
Yeah, well, Teppei is a moron.

And Keppei said don't listen
to anything his brother says.

Keppei and Teppei?
Who are they, the Japanese Hall & Oates?

- [door slams]
- HIGHLIGHTS: Who the hell are you?

Look at our uniforms, assh*le.

We're m*llitary police.

So why don't you put down
the katana

and slither on outta here?

Oh, you like snakes?

Oh yeah, show, show!

How you like them rattlers?
[hissing]

[laughs]

Put your blouse back on.

We know all about
the General's gambling problem.

And the Yakuza leeches
who feed off of it.

The public is not,
and we're gonna keep it that way.

Oh, oh, oh, I see. Okay,
Kato owed Keppei and Teppei money.

That's probably how they roped him
into k*lling me.

FEMALE MP: This is the last time
I'm gonna warn you.

Put down the sword and b*at it.

- [laughs] Or what?
- Or this, assh*le.

HIGHLIGHTS: Hey, hey, hey!

You two!
Down on the ground! Now!

Oh ho ho. Look at this.
This is awesome.

FEMALE MP:
Now drop the sword.

How do you know
this ain't my sword, lady?

Just because I'm Yakuza,
you assume I must be a thief.

Look, kid, the General's sword
doesn't belong

in your sad-ass bingo hall.

Well, too bad,
'cause we're taking it.

This blade is now property
of the Double Dragon Casino.

Okay, here's the .

There's a g*n pointed
at a scrawny dude

right on the other side
of this door,

and sh*t's about
to go sideways.

So we need cover.
And by we, I mean you.

Oh! The helmet!
Here! Put it on!

- BALDY: Put it down!
- FEMALE MP: Drop the sword.

- BALDY: Put it down, lady.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing?

[groans]

sh*t!

[g*nf*re]

God damnit!

- [screeching]
- Whoa. Ha ha!

This is awesome!

[g*nf*re continues]

♪

Yuski! No!

[screams]
[grunts]

- sh*t! You're gonna die!
- assh*le!

[both scream]

[g*nf*re stops, b*llet casing clinks]

Okay, I just got sh*t,
like, times.

Oh, God, how are you?

[gasping]

Oh boy. Look at that.

[whimpers]

Oh Lord, looks like
Jackson Pollock was painting

with blood in here,
am I right?

Technically, this is all your fault,

but I'm willing to look
the other way.

Now grab the sword.
That thing's rad.

[whimpers]

Fine, but you need
to get your sh*t together.

'Cause if I were a gambling man,
I'd wager that the Double Dragon Casino

is where we're gonna find
Keppei and Teppei.

Also, I am very much
a gambling man.

[groans, hoots]

What's a casino?
Are you kidding me?

It's like, um,

if the happiest place on Earth had
a baby with the saddest place.

Corruption grows in secret.

It thrives in darkness.

My mentor, Ken Takahara,
made fighting corruption his life's work.

And that's why
it will be the central issue

of my campaign.

[scoffs] And you think one man
can take on this enormous task?

Well, I raised my niece
all by myself,

so I feel like I'm ready
for anything.

[reporters laugh]

- Okay, time to go.
- Now, if you'll excuse me,

the business of government
is calling.

[reporters clamoring]

Let's work on the ad-libs.

- Come on, they loved it.
- Speaking of which,

latest Nikkei poll has you
trailing Ozu by five points.

But when asked
who voters trust more,

you're leading by fifteen.

OZU: You little trust-fund commie.

You lied to me.

You looked me in the eye,
shook my hand,

and stabbed me
in the back.

Hey, hey.

None of us could have predicted
that a eulogy could spark...

Cut the sh*t.

People were grieving.
You took advantage of their emotions.

Oh, give me a break.

You built your entire campaign
on manipulating peoples' emotions.

Alright, sweetie.

See you on the campaign trail.

Oh, Shinji-san.

That's a nice suit.

You should try it with a vest.
[clicks tongue]

[laughter]

♪

[Monkey screeching]

[clangs]
[grunts]

Oh boy. It is like
a g*dd*mn security convention in there.

Which is, by the way, totally your fault.
[Monkey growls]

Maybe next time, try not to start
a g*ng w*r your first day in town.

[growling, hooting]
Alright, okay,

let's save the rage
for the targets.

Now, look, I've taken out
a few casino bosses in my day,

and in my experience
they're usually holed up

in some back office
counting their cash.

That's most likely where
we'll find Keppei and Teppei.

Jesus, I can't keep saying
those names.

It's like we're going up against
a couple of Dr. Seuss characters.

From now on, can we only k*ll people
with cool names?

[whimpers]

Hey, hey, hey. Keep your
furry little chin up, okay?

That's right. We're going
to have to k*ll some evil shits

that totally deserve to die.

And you're the one
that's gonna do it!

'Cause it's your destiny!

Now shut up and let's go!

[huffs]

Can you crawl any slower?

[hoots]

Yeah, I know it was my idea.

But that's 'cause I figured
my fear of cramped spaces

would have disappeared
after my death.

Evidently, I was wrong.

[hoots]

Dude. Go! It's not funny.

I'm, like,
hyperventilating back here.

[hooting]

Now remember,
we are doing this ninja-style.

Sneak into the office
through the vents.

Snap their necks
nice and quietly, then...

Oh!

Where'd you go?

Here comes a K TV!

[screams]

MAN: What was that?

Holy sh*t.
It's a monkey in a tiny suit.

- MONKEY: Huh?
- [gasps]

Okay, I think
they may have spotted you.

GUARD: Hey, what is that?

Out of the way.
[hooting]

GUARD: Come here, you. Hey!

Hey!
[screeching]

It's a... it's a dancing monkey!

[all laughing]

WOMAN: Dancing monkey.

- [growling]
- No, no, no, no.

Don't go all Pesci on them.

You do that
and you're going to end up

with more holes
than a donut shop.

Now look at me.
Do what I'm doing. Do this!

I know you're probably not in the mood,
but I need you to dance

like nobody's watching
or you're dead.

[growls softly]

There you go.
There you go. That's it.

There. Yeah.
Now get your hips going.

- There.
- GUARD : He's dancing!

- [all laughing, cheering]
- GUARD : Oh my god,

this is crazy!

Drink it. Drink it.

You need to do whatever it takes
to keep these guys entertained

while I come up
with a new plan.

[grunts]

♪

- Huh?
- BRYCE: Not bad, huh?

Makes you want to focus
your entire life on getting more, right?

♪

[crowd laughing, cheering]

[hooting]

WOMAN: More whiskey.

[growls]

Whoa-ho-ho, hey, you actually got
a pretty good hand here.

- You should play.
- Hmm?

Come on, man. You got trip kings.
[grunts]

Okay, look, when you've got two
or more of the same cards, that's good.

So just take all those chips

and just push them
right into the center of the table.

Come on.

[chuckles]

All right, good,
now show them your cards.

No, no, no, don't be
a d*ck about it, okay.

Just lay them on the table.

- [woman gasps]
- MAN : What?

MAN : Ahh, he won!

Yeah! We won! Woo!
Pay up, suckers!

Pay me! Pay... my... monkey.
Pay the monkey!

Little b*tches. Yeah!

[Monkey screeches]

♪

Well, well, well. If it isn't
the double-mint douches.

Must be Keppei and Teppei.

What the hell are you doing?

We found them
at the General's place.

- Along with this kick-ass sword.
- g*dd*mn morons.

It was a clean-up job,
not an estate sale.

Get those bodies
out of the casino.

Yeah. Yeah, okay, boss.

[Teppei giggling]

Oh, no. Not you.

- Wha...
- You're coming with us.

[Keppei and Teppei giggling]

Okay, new plan.

Our targets are
in the high-rollers room.

So we're gonna have
to win our way up there.

[hooting]

How can I be so sure
we're going to win?

Because this moment

is the only non-sexual fantasy
I have ever had.

♪

Ho ho ho, oh yeah!

- Oh. Oh no.
- God!

Loser.

Loser. sh*t, time to fold.

[grunts]

♪

- [crowd cheers]
- MAN: Ugh, how's he do it?

Bet it all, baby!

MAN:
Another drink for the monkey!

[Monkey hooting]

Gah!

[crowd cheering, laughing]

[inaudible]

["Kono Samourai"
by Yamasuki Singers playing]

♪

BRYCE: Hey, that must be
the twins' office.

Okay, all we have to do is
take out the...

Hey!

Yo, Monkey.
Mission's this way, buddy.

Dude. You're a mess.

[Monkey grunting]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[body thuds]
Whoa, calm down!

[laughs]
Is this my opponent,

an alcoholic monkey?

[laughter]

Candy from a baby!

[growling]

Just... No, ignore him.

Okay? We got bigger fish
to sh**t in the face. Come on.

[hooting]

Aw, g*dd*mn it.

This is gonna be my lucky day.

♪

[growls]

♪

[hooting]

[grunts]

Okay, man, you taught him
a lesson, alright?

But I promise you,
this is not the kind of guy

you want to keep
taking money from.

♪

[screeching]

Whoa, I'm cutting you off.

Getting drunk is something we do
after hits, not during.

[screeches]
Okay, you know what, hey, fine.

You wanna sabotage
the mission? Go ahead.

But I know what this is, man,
classic avoidance.

You don't wanna do the hit.
You're stalling.

[grunts]

Alright, monkey.
Play time's over.

For the last time,
do not clean him out.

I promise you, he is not gonna
let you walk away with his money.

[Monkey growls]

Sorry, Charlie. Full house.
[laughs]

- [hooting]
- YAKUZA BOSS: What?

Aah! Son of a bitch!

Aw, man. All you had
to do was lose at poker.

That's so easy.
I do it all the time!

Now they're going to take you out back
and put a b*llet behind your ear.

But, hey, now you don't have
to k*ll anymore, right?

KEPPEI: Ugh! Teppei.

You had to s*ab him?

You couldn't wait seconds for me
to come back with the blowfish?

Ugh. What is with you
and the blowfish?

What? It's a cool-ass way
to k*ll someone!

Paralysis. Respiratory failure.
Diarrhea.

[giggles]
What?

YAKUZA BOSS: Are you two dipshits
running a casino

or a zoo?

- Uhhh. A casino?
- Relax. It's just a gimmick.

Like a mascot.

Oh yeah? This gimmick just took me
for over six million yen.

And I want it back. Now!

Listen, old man, you can't talk
to us like that anymore.

We're a big deal now.

Running this sh*t ourselves.

[screeches]

[whimpers]

That walking wet cough
was their mother? [laughing]

Oh my God... No, no, no, no.
Don't you dare get sad about this.

This is how evil spreads.

Their mom hired me to k*ll Takahara.

Then had her idiot sons
enlist Kato to k*ll me.

She deserved to die and so do her kids.

Boys, boys.

If you're not gonna refund my money,

the least you could do
is k*ll this monkey.

Oh, hell yeah!

[laughing]

That we can do.

Mm-mm. No way.

You got one.
I get one.

Agh, fine. Just make sure
you prepare it wrong.

Trust me. I don't know
what I'm doing.

[giggles]
[blade thudding]

Okay, keep your cool, don't panic.

Nobody's gonna panic, okay.
All we gotta do is find something

to undo your cuffs.

KEPPEI: Ta-da!
Dinner is served.

[laughs]

[hooting]

I-I got nothing.

You gotta summon
that berserker rage of yours

and bust out of those cuffs
or we're done here.

Okay, monkey. Open wide.

What are you doing?

Are you really going
to die because you're too...

Okay. Okay, look!
Look, look, look! I was wrong.

k*lling is not easy.

It's not just point, sh**t,
and watch the bad guy go bye-bye.

It's watch you go bye-bye.

Because every time
you k*ll someone,

a little bit of you dies too.

And it sucks.
It sucks balls.

U-until you're just
too numb to care anymore.

But, but, if you're lucky,
you let it continue to suck.

And you'll never grow numb.

There you go, that's the truth.

You happy?

[whimpers]
[Bryce chuckles]

Oh, that's real mature.

You know, I-I pour my soul
out to you and you...

Wait, wait, wait! Holy sh*t!

You-you're a monkey.

With, uh, weird feet hands
that no one bothered to cuff.

[man screams]

[hoots]

[all scream]

[screams]

g*dd*mn monkey...

[screeching]

[all yelling]

- [growling]
- KEPPEI: No. No!

I don't want to die!
Help me!

Oh, g*dd*mn!

[groans]

[panting]

[Monkey vomits]
Oh. Nice. Nice.

Get rid of it.
Get rid of it.

There you go.

So I'm thinking there's no way
Takahara's assassination

was orchestrated
by these two nutsacks.

Gotta to be people above them.

And the best way to the heart
of any criminal plot

is to follow the money.

So grab this, and we'll study it
over a celebratory drink.

[screeches]

BRYCE: Right after we sh**t
our way out of here.

[hoots]

Wait, hold on.

Was that intentional?

Uh, you know, going overboard
with the booze and the gambling.

Was it, like, all a clever plan
just to get us

in the twins' office
or dumb luck?

It was luck, wasn't it?
No, I mean it had to have been.

Right?
[hoots]

Oh, look at that, there's my job!

K to "X" K. T.

That's gotta be Ken Takahara, right?
And wait, wait.

Um, these jobs were all paid
by someone called The Accountant.

Oh! Oh!
It's an address.

Sugano - - .
Number .

Well, this should be
a cakewalk.

Here's your next lesson:

money men are always
the easiest targets.

Ha.

Trust me.

♪