02x02 - Dickhead

[bunniefuu]

♪ Dainty dance music playing ♪

♪ playful orchestral theme playing ♪

Come, bear.

It's a new day for us and for Russia.

[CLAPPING]

ARCHIE: Bravo!

Bravo!

The victor.

We've been looking for you.

No doubt, the Patriarch
is essential in all of Russia's affairs.

I was in the forest communing with God.

You mean hiding.

In my communication with God, He told me
I have to play my part in your reign.

- He did?
And I always thought He was infallible.

Now I suppose having not
thought things through properly,

you've probably resolved to k*ll me.

Orlo's plan is to s*ab 60 holes in you

and then something involving
salt, honey and ants.

Well, some of that I would enjoy.

I'm happy just to simply
cut your throat, but I promised him.

I'll let the guards know
where to find you.

Let us ponder your situation.

You are to be consecrated today
before the court and God.

That is the plan.

I find it exciting
just hearing it out loud.

The Russian church
is everything in Russia.

There is one Church,
one God, one Patriarch.

The people listen to the Church
across this land.

Its rule is iron.

Its word is trusted in a way
the Emperor's is not.

The Church lives in people's hearts.

- As fear.
- And love.

It's a powerful combination.

So, my question is: Are you really
going to be consecrated

with the blood
of the Patriarch on your hand?

I'll wash.

And who would you replace me with?

I'll find someone.

Who?

I'm the most progressive cleric
on the synod.

Here I am chatting with a woman,

respecting and applauding
her taking of power.

It's not the general consensus.

Good God.

Indeed, He is.

Indeed, He is.

Now, I have sent two sermons
to every regional bishop in the land.

"A" is saying that you are God's choice.

"B" is saying that you are a German devil
who has stolen our country

and wishes to render us all dead,
or Lutheran,

and is intent on burning Russia
to the ground.

I then call on all Russians
in quite a moving way

to rise up as one
and destroy you and your rule.

Burn your bones,
spread the ashes on the wind, et cetera.

If I die, they read "B,"

I don't, they read "A,"

and we all have cake
and champagne after consecration.

Right.

It's a joy to finally have someone smart
on the throne who sees reason.

You're right,
I have no one to replace you with.

Yet.

But when I do, I will k*ll you.

I will relish each day more,
knowing it could be my last.

All I ask is to put my case
until God decides to take me.

Which will be when I decide to send you.

Congratulations again.

MAN: Uh, s... sir...

Just let me f*cking do it.

♪ Playing "Four Seasons" off-key ♪

- Time?
- 8:15.

[SIGHS]

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Ah! Here you...

Oh, it's you.

Darling, hello.

I thought you might be sad,
so I brought you a mouse.

I don't want a f*cking mouse,
and why would I be sad?

You... lost the empire.

I thought it might be sad for you.

Not at all.

I have always been Emperor,
or Emperor to be,

but I have never woken up just Peter.

I can do as I like.

Who would I like to be?

No, what would I like to be
while I'm unburdened by my office?

How fascinating.

You are free to be free. Huzzah!

Exactly.

I am doing things, Aunt.

Improving, indulging my whims,
violin lessons, philosophy with Voltaire.

And learning Kung Fu,

an eastern fighting art
I have long wondered on

and seems I have
a natural proclivity for.

I applaud it, but we must focus
on one thing as well.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Ah, my coronation suit.

Brilliant.

- You're going?
- Of course.

It's important the court
see me give it to her.

I can't let people think
she took it from me.

I see.

It is her I wish to speak of.

Yes?

Paul is wonderful, but he may die.

Why would you say that?

Don't say that!

- Most women have many miscarriages.
I had seven.

- Seven?
Hm, I only know about the wet one.

Igor drowned and was a walking child.

A miscarriage is when the baby in you
does not make it and bleeds out of you.

Oh, f*ck.

That happens every month,
doesn't it, with women?

Every month there is a dead baby, f*ck.

That, that is tragic.

No. Uh...

I cannot explain at length.

My point: If she does not carry
your child, your blood, we are nothing.

If she loves you,
you will make more babies

and you will protect the family line.

This is a dynasty,
and we must protect it.

You must make her love you.

- She does love me.
She k*lled Leo and she kept me.

Evidence in.

I fear she is only dimly aware
of the fact of her love.

This is my plan, Aunt.

She will soon realize Russia is an old sow
of a country that lays near dead

and heaving in a pile of mud,

impossible to move, and she has failed.

She will come to me, humbled, sad
and in need of my love and massive cock.

Marvelous plan.

I know.

A woman often likes to reshingle a man.

Ask her if, when she looks at you,
she sees faulty bits.

Because if her eye
is constantly drawn to them,

the whole building looks bad,

but if you replace those shingles,

she has nothing to do
but admire the whole edifice.

Hm. And want to f*ck it.

Exactly.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I shall receive my guest.

Lady Marial, how lovely you look.

And how happy we are
to have you returned.

What is it, bitch?

We left some things...

some art and some children's toys,
in a box in the back of the...

I burnt them.

Slam that for me, will you?

[TATYANA SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

[FLIES BUZZING]

[DRAWER CLOSES]

[SIGHS]
[DOOR OPENS]

Oh.

Dearest Orlo.

Look where we are.

What a day.

What a day, what a day!

Indeed. A dream.

Is it a dream?

Come here.

Let us remake Russia, my friend.

Indeed.

Mm!

[SIGHS]

It's a detailed statement of aims
and actions we should take

in a methodical and precise way.

I have arranged it in sections.

I have my list, but I shall read yours,

and no doubt, there is much crossover.

Oh, Orlo.

I feel giddy.

- [DOOR BANGS]
- Huzzah!

Huzzah! Hu-f*cking-zah!

Russia is ours!

I have a special vodka given to me
by Peter the Great

on the day he made me a General.

Which you have opened in advance.

Uh, taste testing in case it's poisoned.

I lay my life before my Empress.

- CATHERINE: Mm.
- Mm!

[SIGHS]

So, where shall we start?

Our first daily agenda.

VELEMENTOV: Look how happy
an agenda makes him.

Is that the fast-b*ating heart
of a bureaucrat unleashed I hear?

It is. The school opens this morning.

Huzzah! I shall be there.

ORLO: And this evening,
your coronation. [CHUCKLES]

So, the lay of the land is this.

Everyone expects you to last a year.

I am safe until the baby is born.

He is my savior.

Exactly. Until he is born
and then he is a thr*at.

Children seem endlessly
problematic to me.

So, we must act fast
and show that I am a great leader,

indispensable, destined and loved.

So, let us do some big things.

Free the serfs, outlaw v*olence,
build a hundred art galleries,

open an academy of sciences,
drawing the greatest minds from Europe.

Dismantle the laws around women's rights,

build roads, ports,

open trade treaty discussions
with the nations of Europe.

Raise taxes, lower mortality rates,

and make dancing and jokes

a prerequisite of every dinner.

Let us start with...

With meeting the nobles.

What?

Ah, it is ritual.

They, they come from everywhere.

ARCHIE: God bless you. Welcome!
CATHERINE: Oh, there is a lot. Oh.

Archie!

Fucker! In broad daylight.

VELEMENTOV: Guards, go and seize him.

Oh, let us k*ll him slowly until he
realizes he's been abandoned by God.

- Relax, Orlo.
Let's just behead him like civilized men.

Wait! I have done a deal with him.

What?

He has a g*n to my head.

I cannot walk into the coronation
with a dead Patriarch,

or he'll unleash chaos from the grave.

R-right. Y... I mean,
y-you didn't want to discuss it first?

It was clear what to do, so I did it.

But we had a plan.

We had Simkey to replace him with
and he d*ed, and our plan with it.

That's the problem,
these old f*ckers die.

It's celibacy I blame.

It fucks 'em up.

Thank you, Velementov.

I really, really want to k*ll him.

My head is still soft in places from
that f*cking Bible he dropped on my head.

The Bible has damaged many heads
in a myriad of ways.

We will k*ll him, Orlo, but not yet.

VELEMENTOV: Wily fucker, give him that.

Time!

SOLDIER: 8:35.

- She should be here for breakfast.
That is the agreement.

But she has a big day,
so I will go to her.

Guards!

You're not supposed to... leave.

Door.

♪

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

Orlo, out.

You too, Velementov,
you fat traitorous f*ck.

What are you doing here?

Breakfast. This is our day.

Hello, Paul.

I shall have him returned to quarters.

Oh, do it yourself, fat boy.

With pleasure and alacrity.

Wh-what's alacrity?

Speed! [STRAINING]

Hi-ya!

Oh, sh...

[PETER GROANING]

CATHERINE: Enough!

I made a deal, I shall honor it.

- Empress?
- It's fine. I will do this.

What would my father say?

My sentiments exactly.

CATHERINE: Velementov, just go.

[PETER SIGHS]

I know it was supposed to be
in my apartments,

but I realized
what a busy day you would have,

and so I thought I'd come to you.

It's thoughtful of me, I know.

Put it on the desk.

[PETER SIGHS]

Hmm.

Ah.

Of course.

Mm.

Caviar and rosemary crepe?

- Lady Marial, another forgiven traitor.
Look at you.

I do look great in this dress.

I also had cantaloupes
and raspberries for breakfast, Orlo,

bathed in vanilla scented cream,

and slept for nine glorious hours,

naked and wrapped in silken sheets.

Unbelievable.

All our enemies are alive
and having a lovely day.

- Oh, relax, Orlo.
- Yes, relax, Orlo.

I saved her life.

I'm the real hero here,
and the prettiest.

Agreed. You, you smell like vanilla.

Drink it in, big boy.

Oh. [MUTTERS]

[SNIFFS]

Marvelous.

That your list?

It is.

Go fast, change much, my advice.

I thought I'd go fast.

- You think I should?
- Yes.

Once Paul's out,
someone will try and k*ll you,

steal the baby and coup us both with it.

Here's a question I had: If there's
one thing you didn't like about me...

a tiny aspect, and there may not be,
probably there isn't,

but if there is one thing I could change

about my relatively flawless self,
what would it be?

Your mercurial v*olence.

Really? Huh.

Father always thought that
my best quality.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He'd say, "There's not much
going on in there,

but give him a Kn*fe and light his wick,
the boy has something."

Reason and compassion can win
any argument better than v*olence.

Well, you don't have to win an argument
with someone who has a slashed larynx

as they struggle to make their point.

Not that I'm saying that's good.

I'm not. Just saying...

Hm. I'll work on that.

How will you spend your days
while I am making Russia better?

- You mean different.
- I actually mean better.

While you improve Russia,
I shall improve myself.

Mm. We both share lofty, or possibly
in your case, unattainable ambitions.

Should we have sex?

I'd rather choke to death
on this tiny chicken.

That's a poor decision
and does not augur well for Russia.

- You are forgiving. She betrayed you.
- Saved her.

It is a point of conjecture,
but I am benevolent, it's true.

I have fabrics for your gown
for the coronation

and seamstresses standing by.

I was thinking this.

Very Versailles.

It doesn't matter how I look,
just what I do.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

PETER: Adorable.

If you dress well, no one notices
what you do, just what you wear.

Voltaire said that.

He did not.

- Maybe I said it then.
I've heard it before.

I am wearing a blue velvet
so let us not clash.

Must go. I have violin.

He's coming?

PETER: Door!
[DOOR OPENS]

CATHERINE: Peter!

You're not coming.
You're under house arrest.

- Of course I'm coming.
I have to give you the throne.

I took it. You did not give it.

Yes, I did. Yes, I do.

Guards, come on, guard me.

You're not coming!

- See you there!
ORLO: The school.

It begins.
You wish to be there, I imagine?

Of course.

I really need a decision on the style.

We only have four hours
for them to make it.

- I don't know what I want.
Something... special.

Right. Not that specific, is it?

The school.

Yes, let's go.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Shouldn't they bow or something?

- They don't know it's you.
They're from all over Russia.

You look like just a woman to them.

Shall we greet the day?

You all right?

I didn't sleep.

I kept waiting for someone
to come in and cut our throats.

I don't think she will.

There's a proclamation of forgiveness,
amnesty, and reconciliation.

"We are all Russians," et cetera.

It is a bad day.

Maybe this won't be so bad for us.

I'm optimistic.

c**t.

Ah...

Ugh.

They seem to have not read
the proclamation.

f*cking Belanova just spat in my face.

A new dawn for all of us.

- She gave our apartment to Marial.
- Who burnt the children's teddys.

[ALL GRUNTING]

You need to read
the proclamation, you fucks!

- Ah! Hello, friends.
What a great day. Come.

- Ah, Tarzinsky.
- Dickhead.

[CROWD GASPING]

Did he just call me a dickhead?

I'll f*cking go sh**t him
and she can do what she will with me.

Just say the word.

- The word is widow.
Jesus, Arkady.

No, it's fine.

"Dickhead," merely a word,

like "cheese" or "low flying bird."

Just words.

- Arkady, come help me write this speech.
- I thought you were under house arrest.

I am.

And I'm actually finding it
less restricting than I imagined.

Ah, I thought I was late for the start.

Good they're not here yet.
What a day!

Well, you can't be late
as you're Empress.

We work on your time frame.

But this is it, I'm afraid.

- One?
- Alas.

I was going to punish whoever was late.
Make a statement.

Like my school in France did.

But then everyone was late,
so I wasn't sure what to do.

And then no one came,
and I realized, oh dear, no one's coming.

Orlo, you put out the proclamation?

Yes. Every apartment
with female children in the palace

was invited to send their child
to the Empress's new school for girls.

Oh, right.

Marial, gather the mothers,
I wish to speak to them.

Velementov, come with me.

Your soldiers are not guarding Peter well.
We must make a point.

Gentlemen, your job
is to keep Peter in his quarters.

He is your prisoner,
do you understand that?

He cannot leave this wing.

He cannot walk unimpeded about court
ordering a salmon or a cock sucking,

do you understand?

He is not your Emperor,
he is your prisoner.

If you need to sh**t him, do so.

In the leg ideally,
but in the head if you must.

Hm? Understood?

Is that true?

- Now, do your jobs, men.
Do your f*cking jobs.

So, Poland.
CATHERINE: Poland?

VELEMENTOV: We can take it.

It's basically full of Russians
waiting to be liberated.

You want to start a w*r?

It'll be swift.

Territory that we lost decades ago
will be returned to us.

Russia will become bigger, stronger,
and made whole once again.

I'm not starting a w*r the first day
of my reign, Velementov.

Well, which day then?

I vaguely recall a deal where you said
you were not against w*r.

When I find a w*r I see the point of,
we shall go in g*ns blazing.

But Poland is not it.

Right. I felt it was a...

a, a big plan and might
fit the bill for early victories.

When I said only big plans,
Velementov, I meant my big plans.

Ah. I see.

Can you not just revel
in your victory a bit longer?

Why this need for w*r?

It's, it's what I do.

Well, instead you will be vigilant
for threats to our great nation

and offer me your wisdom
born of blood and pain.

Doesn't seem like a real job.

- May I apologize, Orlo, for your injury?
Although you were trying to k*ll me.

The point is, your poisonous intent
and murderous actions

do not diminish my fondness for you,
as I know Russia was in your heart.

I wish a Kn*fe was in your heart.

The Bible speaks much of forgiveness,
perhaps you should read on it.

- Well, it speaks much of k*lling too.
I might just read on that.

Let us begin the charm offensive.

Number one!

Empress, it is our honor to be here.

Um, we brought you a horse as a gift.

Lovely.

As we know you love them.

ORLO: Anything else, Raskolvy?

Um, simple thing, really.

Um, we're taxed heavily,
and would like it lessened.

I want a complete reprieve in my taxes.

I'm not across the tax situation,

but as it is used to build Russia
and her greatness,

it is a sacrifice
I am happy for you to make.

Good day.

Brilliantly handled.

Don't suck up, Archie.

ORLO: Number two!

Ah, Count Nazakov.

VELEMENTOV: Nazakov.

What did you do?!

What the f*ck did you do, Velementov?

- k*lled him.
He's on the list, right, Orlo?

What list?

Oh, uh, we, we haven't discussed this.

Uh, I made a list, as there are people
who will never see our way

and will work to destroy us.

- We cannot leave them alive.
- No, no, no!

This is not how I wish it to be.

We are creating a new Russia.

Well, the road to the new Russia will
need to be paved with the dead bodies

of some of the old
or we will not get to the new Russia.

Even your charm cannot win all battles.

- Oh, I disagree.
- Shut up, Archie.

What message does this send?

"f*ck you, we mean business."

No!

sh*t. We cannot carry him
out there, m*rder*d.

We just can't.

Well, drop him from a window.

He'll land, someone will find him
and think it random.

- We don't need your help.
You are not part of this.

Of course.

I shall stay clear
of the seamless working

of this new machinery
of government.

I have it. He att*cked the Empress,
sh*t me, Orlo k*lled him.

I'll be a hero.

- It's not funny, Orlo.
VELEMENTOV: It'll work.

CATHERINE: No one will believe...
[g*nsh*t]

ORLO AND CATHERINE: Oh!

Guards! Help us!

[SOLDIERS SHOUTING]

Hm. I look great.

So where are we up to?

Ah.

"I give this freely of my own volition,

"an experiment,
perhaps a whim for the good of my people.

Let us love Catherine as we do me."

Love it.

"Dickhead."

You hear f*cking Tarzinsky?

I mean, once he would've been
fishing his balls out of the fountain,

his tongue from a hot pan,
and his feet from a hole in the forest.

But it's just words.

You are very forgiving, Emperor.

- Mm.
- Arkady, are you very forgiving?

What do you mean, French c**t?

Mm. You might need to be.

Your wife.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

- What did you say to her?
- He's just teasing. [CHUCKLES]

I am French, she is beautiful.

It only stands to reason that I would
like to lick her slowly to yelping

and then slowly f*ck her over a table.

[LAUGHS]

[PETER SNICKERS]

- I mean, that's just logic, Arkady.
[LAUGHS]

I know you might not mind other men
f*cking your wife...

Rude fucker.

[VOLTAIRE LAUGHING]

Oh!

[PETER LAUGHING]
SVENSKA: Arkady!

PETER: Arkady, Grigor!

Jesus. Enough with the v*olence.

That's not an appropriate response
to things said

of a funny but sexual nature.

CATHERINE: I got the message
that you needed to see me.

I have no time.
What is so urgent?

PETER: Mm?

Ah.

Mm. It's for you.

You can't give me
a gift for couping you.

Well, I can if I'm the most
generous chap you ever met.

- Ponder that.
- You can't come.

Oh, you don't like it?

I like it.

I won Russia. I took it.

I will not have it
that it looks like you gave it.

I did give it.

I gave up because I was
hungry and gave it up.

So, I did give it.

Perhaps I should've k*lled you.

Mm. But could not.

Ponder that.

And then ponder this.

If you did, you would've
looked like you took it,

but then would've been illegitimate
and everyone would've lined up

to s*ab you in the face a lot and Russia
would've fallen into chaos and strife.

I actually have avoided
a civil w*r for Russia. Huzzah!

I am a leader as I see all this
and you do not.

You're not coming.

I'm chosen by God,
you were chosen by mail order.

Most of the court see you

as a grasping whore of a German
who stole the throne.

I... What... They do not.

There's pockets of loyalists
who may harm you and Paul.

You're my wife, Paul is my child.

I will protect that which I love.
No matter what.

I have a busy day running Russia,
the country I just took from you.

Goodbye.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

You are all parents
of young girls at court.

Indeed, I say you are all parents
of the future of Russia.

And while you nourish your children
in their bodies with care and love,

we must do the same
with their souls and minds.

I was educated and it is the thing
I am most grateful for every day.

For it has made me who I am.

I have a baby who will one day be born

and when I pluck it
from the bloody floods,

I will want to feed that baby a variet...

- A wet nurse will do it.
You do not do it yourself.

I was speaking metaphorically.

Metaphorically?

- It is a German word.
- Ah.

It is not a German word!

My point is, we feed
on the great thinkers of Europe

and when we look up,
we see the world differently

and that we are vibrant, fierce creatures
who can build a better Russia.

Yeah.

So, you will send them?

Will we be sh*t if we don't?

No, you won't be sh*t if you don't.

Then no.

Why not?

You want the best for them, do you not?

Well, while our love and admiration
for you is huge,

your unique nature is not something
we wish to replicate in our girls.

It will make marrying them harder.

- What?
- No one wants a fierce wife.

SVENSKA: Exactly.

And marrying well is everything.

My father used to say, if you know
when it's time to shut your mouth

and when it's time to open your legs,

you will find a good match
and your life be assured.

[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

So, in essence you just
do not wish them to be me?

There is only one you.

Hooray for the Empress!

Hooray!

Just sh**t them. Seriously.

CATHERINE: I can't believe they don't want
better things for their daughters.

They think better things
come from better husbands.

On the coronation,
as you could not decide,

I have three gowns being made.

Oh, I found what I want.

Is this not marvelous?

What? No!

No.

It is bold, and very Russian.

Yes, both those attributes
being its problem.

It's what our grandmothers used to wear
before they were beaten to death

for wearing something so ugly.

I like it. I will do it.

You cannot.

Listen to your friend.

I saved your life once before,
allow me to do it again.

When you betrayed me.

Exactly.

Which got you standing here
hours before your coronation

about to make a huge mistake.

Make it happen.

They will laugh you from the chamber.

You do not understand,
to our eyes, this is...

a joke.

Catherine, please.

Are you crying?

If it will help, yes.

I will do it my way. I feel it's right.

And when they laugh in your stupid face?

I will have them sh*t.

[SIGHS] If only that were true.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Are you praying?

Hm?

No. Uh, I dropped a ruble.

Are you a Muslim?

No. This is Russia, we're all Orthodox.

Are you lying to me?

Do not insult me, Empress.

If I were a Muslim,
I would smell of rats and sin

and strange incense
that I've heard they burn.

The Russian church is all.

God bless you.
God bless Russia.

God bless God.

Huzzah!

♪

A gift of?

Six stallions.

Fast, handsome, and pliant
with you in the saddle, I have no doubt.

An idea is taking hold.

My region would like a port,

uh, and a million rubles in cash
to throw a party in your honor.

Great. Orlo, take care of that.

Next!

VELEMENTOV: Tarzinsky is next.

sh*t. Okay.

You should just be agreeable
and get him out.

[DOOR RATTLES]

[LAUGHS]

It is a jape, this blond strip of
a baby-bumped whore overthrew him?

I did.

And you will speak with respect.

VELEMENTOV: Easy, Tarzinsky.

You will send Velementov to Alaska
to take it from the Americans

so the sea otter trade can continue.

I could take Alaska, actually.

Step back, sir.

For you smell like a sea otter
has d*ed in your mouth.

[LAUGHS] That is the smell of Russia,
German bitch.

Step back, sir!

If I could summarize my response to
your request as elegantly as possible...

Go die, you pig.

[TARZINSKY SCOFFS]

VELEMENTOV: Really, Tarzinsky?
[CLICKS TONGUE, STARTS URINATING]

[URINATION CONTINUES]

Velementov, sh**t him.

- Seriously?
- Very.

ARCHIE: Tarzinsky!

Kneel before me
and atone for your sins

or feel the wrath of God
upon your miserable soul, sir.

Now, show some respect to our Empress
and then leave and sober up, sir.

I have this, Archie.

Indeed.

Tarzinsky, you heard me.

Patriarch.

Gentlemen.

[COUGHS]

[DOORS OPEN]

I did not need you to step in.

Why is it everyone who comes in here,
"I want, I want, I want"?

Does anyone have something
to offer Russia?

f*ck.

Selfish, grasping fucks!

And also...

I never f*cked a horse!

I would like to do something
of importance today.

I cannot get my hands around it.

ORLO: We could take a break.

Are there Muslims in Russia?

Not anymore.

Why? Did you see one?

MAN: I am interrupting.

Empress, if I may?

No. Come through.

Patriarch. An honor.

Of course it is. Father...?

I am Father Basil, in from the west.

You have hay in your beard.

You wanted to see me.

I am Leo Voronsky's cousin.

You are?

BASIL: He wrote me often of you.

His love was a river
of such purity and light,

it took my breath away
when I would read those words.

I'm sorry about...

BASIL: Do not judge yourself,
he would not.

God will, but that is
a long way off, I hope.

And I see you, and I know that God
will be happy with His creation.

You are lit from within.

Leo's letters.

I thought maybe you should have them.

They speak of you, but I suspect
they will speak to you as well.

Thank you.

♪

Okay, shall we...

VELEMENTOV: We... Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]

[DOORS CLOSE]
[SOBS]

♪

Leo.

And you fools just stand there?

I thought the new Russia was one where we
held each other in our joys and sorrows.

[CATHERINE WHIMPERING]

Let it go.

It is a storm.

They will never stop coming,
but pass through and away.

They always will.

Thank you.

Have some mullet.

Do you have some dirt?

In the pot.

So many nobles, you must be tired.

[SNIFFLES]

Peter wants to come to the coronation.

Can you explain to him why he cannot?

It is a good idea for you.

Uh, he should not.

She took it.

He must be made
an unpleasant memory at court.

Orlo, so much racing blood now?

You might want to try f*cking people
or running or some such.

Why do you think Peter should come?

If one has a party
and all the guests can think about

is who is not there, whose party is it?

And what stories do those guests,

angry at the host,
tell themselves about this ghost?

Dangerous ones, of course.

But as you wish.

You are right, I think.

Well, if women of our intelligence
both think something right,

I suspect it is.

I will leave you to business.

You wished to see me?

Look at this.

If you squint, you can see a cat appear,

and if-if you slightly
shake your head a bit,

more cats,
and they appear to be dancing.

Cats?

Indeed.

Sit.

What are you...

I thought we should have a conversation.

Clearly a conversation
you don't wish me to leave abruptly.

She has let you live, wisely.

I'm glad you think so.

She has an optimism
for our people and our nation,

and I very much wish to see
her execute her vision unhindered.

But I sadly have
a pessimistic view of human nature,

so I worry on you wandering free.

I must do God's work.

Oh, you may do that.

But If I sense there is a game
at play against her,

I will know you're at the center of it.

k*lling a Patriarch will unleash chaos.

But a carriage accident,
an arsenic biscuit,

a statue falling at the wrong moment.

I knew a man once who drowned in soup.

A myriad of unexplained tragic deaths
float before my eyes.

I see.

Is something stirring
beneath your cassock, Archie?

[SOFTLY] I like knives.

Of course.

Do we understand each other?

We do.

Mm, but a small aside.

You should really lead us.
You have everything we need.

We cut her throat at the coronation,
put the crown on your head.

Simple, and fun for the crowd.

It's talk like that
which will get you k*lled.

But not today.

Today, I am safe.

Ponder that we could all make
a better Russia together.

Indeed.

A day for optimism.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Hello, my darlings.

ARCHIE: I don't know how you do that.

Will.

[CROWD MURMURING]

[PETER CLEARS THROAT]

Greetings...

♪ Trumpet fanfare playing ♪

♪ orchestral fanfare playing ♪

PETER: Full Russian.

f*ck. I've actually banned
most of those fabrics.

I thought you were taking Russia into
the future, not into grandmother's house.

Shut up.

- Court, if...
- Oh, you don't talk, my love.

God has blessed us
with many great leaders,

and now He has blessed us with another.

What a breath of fresh golden air
that blows through our court and our land.

How blessed we are by our Lord.

I bless Catherine the Great,

for she is our new...

[WHISPERING] You're calling yourself
"The Great"?

- Of course.
ARCHIE: Bow before her...

It seems... arrogant.

- [WHISPERING]
It is if you are not great.

If you are, it is just
calling things what they are.

Right.

- Shh!
- I have a speech.

Just put the crown on me
when the long-winded blessing stops,

or I will have you dragged out right now.

You wouldn't.

It will be embarrassing for us both
and make it clear I took it.

So... maybe it is a good idea.
[PETER CLEARS THROAT]

...father of love.

Blessings, blessings, blessings,

from the one true church,

the one true God.

May you keep us
on a righteous path to heaven.

♪

I crown you Empress of Russia.

[SOFTLY] You look stunning.

One day we'll tell Paul about this.

[SOFTLY] Go sit.

Fellow Russians, what is God?

When I came here, I stood by a lake

and I felt God come out
of the Russian mountains and shake me,

change me, so I knew what I was,

who to love.

Russia.

I will not constrain love,
for it is eternal in all of us,

and yet the expression of it
unique and individual.

What God asks all of us is different.

I believe who each person's God is
can be as individual.

So today,
I announce my first proclamation.

No more shall we be a one-church country.

People are free to worship as Muslim,

Hindu, Jew even, or even not at all.

God would not constrain our hearts,

and nor shall I do Him
the insult of doing it.

I will not constrain people's love
for a deity,

for it traps their hearts in fear

and I will not lead a land
such as this.

[SOFTLY] f*cking, f*cking f*ck.

I think if I can just...

We may also all have beards again

because that seemed
like a confusing and trivial rule.

- What?
- Let us celebrate!

A banquet is served!

ALL: Huzzah!

Oh, good. What are we having?

I probably should've perused the menu.

Guards. Escort the Emp...
Peter, back to his apartments.

Right. Of course.

Uh, just let me read this to you.
I went to a bit of trouble.

Uh, quickly.

[UNFOLDING PARCHMENT]

Uh, "It is a strange thing
to hand your crown to another",

"and yet I feel a peace in my heart
knowing I'm handing it to one I love,

"the one I love who loves
our great nation, despite being German.

"I have seen up close
her wiseness and fierceness,

"and her naked body
as it shimmers and glows

"like God put the sun inside her.

"I have also been inside her

"and we have made a Paul together
and thus the future of Russia is assured.

"Give her your fear as you gave it me.

f*ck with her, you f*ck with me."

Strangely touching.

♪

A moment.

ELIZABETH: Hello, darling.

PETER: I lost it.

I know.

What do you think he'd think?

- I'm not sure.
- Liar.

He wouldn't have given up, would he?

He didn't get as hungry as you do.

My body let me down.

My mind was...

As sharp as it has always been.

Indeed.

If-If he knew how hungry I was though!

And if he knew you had placed
an heir safely inside Catherine

and assured the family line in doing so

and aimed to make her love you

so you would create more babies,
he would be proud.

Oh.

And that she will f*ck it up
and give it back

after falling in love with me.

He would think that was cunning, right?

He would see it as
a unique and unexpected plan,

as he saw you a unique
and unexpected child.

Indeed.

- Emperor, we...
- All right, fuckhead, I'm talking?

Let the conversation come to
a natural end, you boorish forest thug.

Sorry.

It is fine.

I'm perhaps ill tempered,
the suit is tight.

And you're hungry.

I am actually.

The menu is very substandard
at the dinner.

It is? Huh.

Of course it is.

The court will miss me indeed.

- Indeed.
- Hm.

I aimed to build a bridge
of peace between us

and yet you rip
at the foundations of my church.

You seem angry.

No. I am concerned...

that you act from spite
rather than concern for the country.

- Well, rest your concerned soul, Archie.
I don't.

You create religious disharmony.

I rely on you to lead us all
to tolerance, Archie.

[SCOFFS] These f*cking infidels
don't know tolerance.

Well, from your tone, perhaps
we need to learn it ourselves.

My advice, pray.

As if your life depended on it.

I've seen more stylish lampshades.

[SCOFFS]

I mean, Russian? What the f*ck?

[LADIES LAUGHING]

She looks amazing
and you look like a French whore

at the end of a long night,
so I... I think she wins.

Also, she's got the crown,
so shut up and bow.

Marial, we missed you.

How delighted we are.

You look stunning.

That was the thing,
I forgot how stunning you are.

Why are you being nice to her?

Because I'm the Empress's
best friend, dummy.

Do you not see your place now, Tatyana?

- I think the Empress seeks you.
You must run.

Perhaps she still sees you as a servant.

I intended to be all calm and
high-handedly bitchy with you, Svenska,

but I am unfortunately not that person.

[SVENSKA GROANS, COUGHS]

That's for the b*ating.

We are square.
Come for tea sometime.

Before we begin, a blessing.

Father Basil, visiting us from the west.

I would like you to do it.

Indeed.

[CHAIR SCRAPES FLOOR]

Lord, we thank you for this day...

Can you not take those downstairs?

We're trying to celebrate
the Empress's coronation.

I do not wish to do it surrounded
by licked f*cking plates.

We also have not even
been served our main courses yet?

- Relax.
- Relax?

It is embarrassing.

I have never been
in salon Four-B before.

I did not even know there was
a salon Four-B.

There is alcohol.

And as I say, when there is alcohol,
food is an inadequate diversion.

- Huzzah.
- Hmm.

So, you idiots wish to drink
our way through this?

As all good Russians should.

Huzzah!

George.

Stay and get drunk.

We're lucky to be alive.

Salon Four-B is not life to me, Grigor.

She does not like us.

He has a plan. She will fail.

And what if she doesn't?

We will never have status at this court.

You can charm anyone.

I think she likes us.

She knows our loyalties.

She will never trust us,
and rightfully so.

I will leave you to do nothing as usual.

[SIGHS]

TATYANA: She is right.

It's a disaster.

We must trust Peter's plan.

She will fail.

Not really a plan though, is it?

Just waiting and hoping...

like I will be to see
if you can get it up tonight.

Maybe we should help then.

I can get it up!

I mean help her...

Catherine, fail.

- Huzzah!
ALL: Huzzah!

[GLASS SHATTERS]

I like him.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

I don't like him.

It's turned into
a very challenging evening.

Empress, do I see a plan forming?

CATHERINE: You do.

He is just a priest,
but if he was at court for a time,

I believe he could find favor
amongst the old bishops.

And we could end Archie.

Indeed.

Oh, we are as one on that. Brilliant.

Remember that, Orlo.

What?

That I am brilliant.

Trust it.

I shall.

[CHUCKLES]

Huzzah. [CHUCKLES]

♪ Playing off-key ♪

[SOFTLY] Jesus.

[READING FRENCH TEXT]

[DOOR OPENS]

Ah, George. Brilliant.

Let us f*ck.

Ow! Jesus.

Are you angry or are we f*cking?

- Both.
- Oh.

Huh.

[FIREWORKS BURSTING]

Fucker.

Oh, it's fine.

It's fine.

I'll be back. Promise.

Hey!

[FIREWORKS BURSTING]

- What the f*ck do you...
- Don't be so f*cking rude!

No need for it. Fucker.

[SIGHING]

[FIREWORKS BURSTING]

Oh, that's disappointing.

f*ck.

Really didn't want to do that.

Hands up who had sex last night?

Oh, good grief.

Indeed. Indeed.

As I finished,
that's what I yelled, "Indeed!"

Who was it?

Some regional guy.

Lovely, smelt nice,
and also leaving court today.

Perfect combination.

- Indeed.
[MARIAL LAUGHS]

We're being followed.

Girls, come.

You liked what I wore at the coronation?

You looked stunning.

Would you like to be more like me

and perhaps have a life
different from your mothers?

Come.

Empress?

Let us educate these fine young women.

I would love to.

Girls, sit.

We were discussing Plato.

If our parents don't like this,
will we be sh*t?

No. You are your own people.

How you spend your days
is your business, is it not?

The dress...

turns out you were right.

They looked at it
and saw the future, Marial.

You mean they saw you.

Exactly.

♪ Echobelly playing "Great Things" ♪

♪ I wanna do great things ♪

♪ I don't wanna compromise ♪

♪ I wanna know what life is ♪

♪ I wanna know everything ♪

♪ I wanna do great things ♪

♪ I don't wanna compromise ♪

♪ I wanna know what love is ♪

♪ Is it something I do to myself? ♪

♪ All is fair in love and w*r ♪

♪ Or so they say and so the saying goes ♪

♪ But I've seen more broken hearts ♪

♪ Than you can count
the b*ll*ts in a w*r ♪

♪ Oh, what do I know? ♪

♪ There's gotta be so much I don't know ♪

♪ I wanna do great things ♪

♪ I don't wanna compromise ♪

♪ I wanna know what life is ♪

♪ I wanna try everything ♪

♪ I wanna do great things ♪

♪ I don't wanna compromise ♪

♪ I wanna know what life is ♪

♪ I wanna try everything ♪

♪ I wanna do great things ♪

♪ I don't wanna compromise ♪

♪ I wanna know what love is ♪

♪ Is it something I do to myself? ♪

♪ Something I do to myself? ♪

♪ Something you do to yourself? ♪