02x03 - Alone At Last

[bunniefuu]

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, f*ck.

You need to see this.

You should come.

- How long has he been here?
- A day or two since the coronation.

And no one thought to move him?

Everyone's still pretty hung over.

Though it's Tarzinsky,
so it's more likely they don't care.

I don't know who did it.

I do.

If your plan
is that she ultimately fail,

we should help her along,
destabilize her.

We could give her laxatives.

I once ate a lot
of those chocolate laxatives

and was destabilized for a month.

I mean actual destabilization.

Politically.

Look at that fat f*ck.

A traitor to me and my father
who made him a general,

and now he's actually getting p*ssy.

Is anyone listening to me?

Have I stopped making sound when I speak?

Look at this guy! It's Coco Ottina!

Brilliant, Grigor.

Yes, let's focus on the dog,
because that's what's important.

Indeed, George. Well said.

For it's the finest
truffle dog from Italy!

Fresh in from Piedmont.

It can smell a truffle that has been
wrapped in mink, doused in lavender oil,

and shoved in an old woman's vajuju.

Do they actually test them that way?

I f*cking give up.

I used to find the first of the season
with my father when I was a small boy.

My father and I
would run through the forests,

and when we saw the dog
snuffling in that dirt,

nudging a newly formed truffle
to the surface,

its very scent of musk and autumn
suddenly filling the air

with its f*ck-off deliciousness,

we would shout together,
"Truffle fucker!"

And run laughing together.

Then later shave it
over some bread and butter

and walk home through the forest.

It was the happiest of days for us,

as he was very busy running an empire
and was desperate to see me,

but was oft called away by business,
w*r, or p*ssy...

as a man should be.

But truffle day was different.

I really think we...

Shh!

I'm reminiscing
in my head with pictures.

Hmm.

Father.

- She will let you out for it?
- Of course.

I have not missed a first day of truffle
season ever and will not start now.

She is not a cruel maniac.

Ah! I wanted to talk to you.

Firstly, meet Coco Ottina.

This is my court and my rules!

You f*cking k*lled Tarzinsky, didn't you?

I did. And felt bad about it!

This random v*olence
is not the way of my court.

He called me dickhead.

That is your answer?

"I k*lled a man because
he called me dickhead"?

Do you hear how that sounds?

Sounds perfectly logical.

v*olence is not
the answer to everything.

In this court, it is a language
that everyone understands.

You will not get far if you
do not come to terms with that.

Fine.

Guards!

b*at the f*ck out of him.

Funny. You are a witty creature.

At times, the point is
so slight, one almost does not...

What the f*ck are you two doing?

- Hey!
- Help and you will be sh*t.

My husband and I are busy
discussing an issue.

Can you hear me now?

f*cking hell.

Enough!

All of you, out!

What the f*ck?

Should you see Vinodel?

Yeah, if that had actually hurt,
I'd be quite angry right now.

Is that how you wish me
to make my point?

I said I wasn't proud of it.

Clearly, it would be better if I had not.

For you, I will try
to be better next time.

Now, I would like to go truffle hunting
with my new dog.

- No.
- Do not be a bitch.

You have kicked me and made your point
and I have taken it graciously.

A tiff between lovers.

We are not lovers,
we will never be lovers.

You are a bloodthirsty thug,

and I wish I had k*lled you
when I had the chance.

Guards! Grab his dog.

No!

Lock him in!

Coco...

- What the f*ck was that all about?
- This is outrageous.

She cannot treat him like that.

Agreed, we need to f*ck her up.

Something bigger than the laxative plan.

- Or in addition to.
I still think that's strong.

George, you okay?

She is fierce and formidable.

- As are we.
- Huzzah!

- Catherine, are you okay?
- Not really.

That was so great!

To see a man kicked repeatedly
and writhe in pain?

- What is wrong with you?
- Uh, okay.

- Where have you been?
- What did I miss?

Much.

The Ottomans are massing at our border,
blockading some trade.

f*ckers may be readying to inv*de.

You should talk to them.

We probably should fire some sh*ts,
get a bit of a border skirmish going.

Let them know we bristle for a fight.

You wish to start a f*cking w*r?

Well, hopefully the skirmish
scares them off,

but though a formidable foe,
I know we could take 'em.

I shall ready battle plans.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

A general readies w*r plans,
it's, it's sort of the job.

You are uncharacteristically yell-y.

Let us look to reason.

Instead of, "Oh, they looked at me funny,
let's s*ab them in the face,"

we should try and raise the bar
on our triggers for w*r.

Or do you wish to see more dead
in your sleep, Velementov?

- But this is different.
This is, uh, preemptive.

- Dead men.
At bottom, that is what it is.

I hadn't quite finished my point.

We fight, borders shift on the map,
and we fight again,

recover it in dead men,
and shift it again.

And how do you know
they do want this w*r?

They don't like you.

They do not even know me.

I am f*cking charm itself!

Oh, indeed. You are
the veritable sunflower on a breeze.

Conceptually, he means a woman.

They were a strong ally of Peter's,
and the woman aspect is...

Invite them to dinner.

I will wave my sunny disposition
in their faces, and they will smile back,

and we will find a common ground
that allows us to be as one in harmony.

- Right.
- I need a moment.

What?

What's going on?

I don't know. She is odd.

She just kicked the ribs
out of Peter over k*lling Tarzinsky,

but... there's something else going on.

She looked deeply odd when I woke her.

Baby. Might be releasing poison.

I... I don't, I don't think
they do that.

Doctor, are you?

- No.
- Ah.

Empress.

What?

I have always felt a strong
connection with you.

We have had sex,
which I did not enjoy much,

and you have f*cked my husband,

which probably kept him from f*cking me
at times, so thank you for that.

You have been loyal to him
through a coup, and still are,

so this connection exists
but is tenuous and conflicted.

Right. Uh, let us forget about the past
and focus on my future then.

I have no real interest
in your future, Georgina.

All Russians, you often say,
are your concern.

I am Russian.

Well played.

What do you want?

I seek a favor.

- I already did you a favor.
I didn't k*ll you after the coup.

And lifelong gratitude for that,

but still I feel I need to be punished

in some way for my disloyalty then.

I have no interest in reprisals.

I did punch you once, as well,
and have spoken ill of you many times.

Called you a bitch, a c**t, a German.

I see, and how would I punish you?

I suspect you have an idea.

Perhaps, if I was exiled
to France against my will.

Take you and Grigor from him?

- If you see it that way, yes.
I would deserve it.

As would he.

Granted.

You are exiled...

on one condition:

When you get to France,
close your legs and open a book.

German bitch.

Ah, an apology is a...

No butter?

She'll calm down, and then I will
accept her apology graciously.

If I could just...

be alone and...

How are you today, my dear?

Angry.

So I hear. Why?

I want this place to be better,
yet this morning I was greeted first thing

with a dead body
Peter had stabbed nine holes in.

He is impulsive.

He's a f*cking animal.

I have locked him alone in quarters.

No one will speak to him
until the only thing he can hear

is his own heart b*ating.

- Oh dear.
Locked in by himself?

Yes. He will have no one for weeks.

He will suffer for his crime.

- That is a bad idea.
He does not do well alone.

Great. That makes it a good idea.

- His mother would lock him in for days.
He would go quite mad.

We would find him naked in a blanket,
covered in scratches,

and blinking uncontrollably.

Really?

His mother, you say?

Elephant!

Elephant sucking his own cock!

Crab with crabs!

What? Uh...

What the f*ck are you doing?

Entertaining him.

When his mother would lock him in,
I would be down here and dance for him.

- Right.
- Sleep on the lawn so he could see me if he got scared.

Went on for f*cking weeks sometimes.

I have to tell you something.

Grigor?

Grigor! Grigor!

Where are you going?

Grigor!
Where the f*ck are you going!

Grigor!

Mommy?

Ew.

Huzzah!

Clearly, I am in a mood.

You were right to exact revenge on him.

He k*lled Tarzinsky for what?

- Calling him dickhead?
- Hmm.

You say "hmm" like it's reason enough.

Well, legally it is reason enough.

And the guy was a prick,
so let's not grieve for him too much.

What?

He pissed in the corner
and threatened to...

It is legal?

- One is allowed to k*ll for many reasons.
- Property dispute.

- Marital dispute.
- Bumping into you in the hall.

- f*cking your wife.
- Or pet.

- In fact, it was all legal.
There are 400 laws relating to it.

- That is absurd.
We must rescind all, today.

It, it would require
a regional summit of senators.

No, I, I don't understand.

You want to tell a man he can't
k*ll another man if offended?

Yes.

- People might take a dim view of that.
- Shut up.

What?

Now, I'm tired,
and I do not wish to be...

Challenged?

Explaining my brilliance to people
who think the Earth is flat.

I need to lie down.

I had sex last night with a woman.

What?

I thought a change of subject might be
helpful and that was the subject on my mind.

Oh, you wish to boast?

No. It is the third time in my life
I have laid with a woman.

While not unpleasant,
it seems not really worth the trouble.

- You're being preposterous.
It is marvelous, even when not marvelous.

Sometimes people say words
and I just hear a buzzing in my ears.

This is one of those occasions.

I may get Vinodel. You seem unwell.

Perhaps.

Should we...

Um, is, is the meeting over,
or are we just having a break?

Sounds f*cking awful.

I need my violin tuned!

Do not ignore me!

f*ckers!

Let... me... out!

f*ck!

I don't want to leave Russia.

And him?

W-We should talk to her. Beg.

Clearly after this morning,
she's not in the mood to be forgiving.

Paris, Grigor.

- f*ck!
- I know.

I'm devastated.

But think of it,

you and me alone in Paris.

Paris!

It is a new life.

French butter.

f*ck.

There's no future for us here, anyway.

Did you not see
what she did this morning?

- He has a plan.
- What, that she'll fail?

I watched you two
prattle on about truffle dogs

and her come in
like a blaze of light and power,

and I knew we are done here.

You must trust my instincts.

This is Russia.

Her light will slowly be enfolded
by our natural darkness

and will be snuffed out.

She will break, and he will scoop her
and the country up and voilà.

So if he does, we come back.

And if he doesn't, we have a new life.

We will be alone at last.

Isn't that what you want?

S'il vous plaît, mon amour.

You know I love it
when you speak French.

Just say merci and do this with me,
I beg of you.

How do we tell him?

She said no one in.

Well, I just want to talk to him.

Sorry.

I suppose if I broke the rules
and did talk to him for a minute,

you would be within your rights
to drag me from here into my apartments

and treat me savagely.

Get me the f*ck out of here.

Oh, I fear you have made her cross
in a way I have not encountered before.

- I don't understand.
Tarzinsky is a prick.

- And he did call you dickhead.
- Exactly.

It's baffling that she thinks
this is wrong.

Although, I...

Hmm, okay.

- Oh, dear. Although what?
And "hmm, okay" what?

I did ask her, as I was clearly
ill-advised by you to,

if there was one thing
I could do to improve myself.

And she said?

She saw my talent for v*olence
as less than ideal.

So, to reassure her of your love
and your commitment to change for her,

you stabbed a man nine times
a few hours later?

- I tried not to, but...
- He called you dickhead.

Exactly!

Maybe she will cool,
and then you need to apologize.

I can't stay in here alone,
you know that.

Oh, I know, my darling.

That's why I brought you something.

Ah! Hello, friend!

Huh.

Bye, my darling!

You'll be needing a tighter grip.

No, tighter.

Oh, for God's sake, just stop it.

I'll just walk there myself
and we'll figure it out when we get there.

Is that a bowl of wine?

It is.

I assume you came with a question,
as I know you would have the good grace

not to interrupt a man
who has a bowl of wine.

The Empress is in a strange state.

She has a baby in her.

A human creature
of f*ck knows what evil disposition.

It poisons their blood
and gives them a many-hued bile.

Oh, I remember my wife, God rest her,

had a similar disagreeable momentum.

My concern is decisions will get made
that she would otherwise not make.

And so your question is,
is there anything we can do?

Exactly.

We could give her a sleeping draught,

which would have her sleep
for days at a time.

Maybe rest would be good.

It has some side effects.

Death occasionally, scabies often,
a stutter guaranteed.

Right.

It's probably too extreme.

Mm. Um, I would prescribe...

Yes?

...staying out of her way
for the duration.

Comes in waves.

She, I suspect,
has purple bile at present,

and we must wait for that wave to pass.

And when she has yellow,
she will be a docile lamb.

She will never be that, so...

Once threw a dog at me, my wife.

Hmm.

Patriarch.

A pamphlet on the interpretation
of omens sent by God.

I found it in the library.

Ah, omens.

God speaks through nature,
its creatures.

One of our jobs is to interpret, to help
the people understand his meanings.

Indeed. A good read for
the long carriage ride back home.

Which I suspect should happen
tomorrow, don't you?

I am at yours and God's whim.

That occurred to me, too.

And that is what God and I wish.

You are unhappy with me in some way?

Not at all.

You are a simple priest,
who I can tell is best at home

with the simple people of his region,

interpreting antelopes
appearing out of season

and owls falling from the sky,

not in the vicious
swirling winds of court.

Do you not find God keeps one rooted
and stable no matter what the winds?

I do find that, actually.

Well said.

Happy travels.

My question for you is,
should I apologize to her? Hmm?

It is a sign of weakness that should fill
her cup with disgust and loathing for me,

but her mind is one of unique machinations

and odd perceptions of the world.

Such as her strange aversion
to random v*olence.

So therefore, it follows...

she may not even see apologies
as weakness,

but instead see them as strength.

Yet, we will risk it, as I need her love

and I need to be in that forest
with Coco Ottina truffling.

We are agreed.

Let us write.

Huh.

You're a good companion,
my winged friend.

Huzzah.

I toast you!

Stay close to me while we do this.

"Dearest Catherine..."

Peter!

Peter!

Grigor!

The letters!

What letters?

At the door.

"Darling, we're waving to you
because we're being exiled to France."

What the f*ck?

Oh, yeah, I think he's at the bit.

This is heartbreaking.

Look at his face.

"I know you love her, but what a bitch.

"Unless she wants rid of me,
as she does secretly love you,

"in which case, a sweet gesture,
I leave that with you.

"Know that I love you,
will miss your cock,

your fun,
your mercurial thrilling nature."

Oh, f*ck.

He's got mine.

What did you write in the end?

I couldn't write anything.

I just...

It's us.

It's got a truffle in its mouth.

Oh, Grigor, you know me so well.

f*ck.

They're my best friends, butterfly.

Why would she do this to me?

Butterfly?

f*ck!

Oh!

- This is great!
- I know!

We're his new best friends!

Exactly.

When he gets back in,
we will be first run in the court.

I-I could be everything
Grigor was to him.

And I... everything George was.

What?

I hear the kids yelling.

I was looking for you.

I'm here.

Are you hiding from someone?

- No. Of course not.
I'm the f*cking Empress, I don't hide.

Oh.

You should banish him, possibly k*ll him.

I've got a bad feeling about him.

You mean Archie has.

Why are you hiding from him?

- I had a dream.
- Sex dream?

Where you f*cked him?

I have one where a series of cocks
are brought to me on trays by servants,

and I inspect them all
and can never choose one I like.

All right, your dream?

I saved Leo.

Oh! What are you doing?

Reminding myself not to cry.

Pin a note to your dress. f*ck.

The dream was right, a perfect plan.

Would've worked.

Wait a week, let Peter relax,

get Velementov to plan an as*ault
on the guard unit.

Leo creates a routine,
a walk to that clearing.

His guards relax, he gives
them plum vodka, but we've spiked it.

They're now dizzy and confused.

Velementov and his men att*ck.

Leo runs.

I put him in a box
and send him to Venice until it's over.

My cocks dream is more realistic.

And it doesn't matter now.

He's gone.

There's no use punching
yourself inside and out. Cry.

Be sad is all.

No. I have work to do.

And being sad is a pathetic,
self-soothing indulgence now,

and I will not f*cking have it.

sh*t! Uncle Varnya?

Dearest Vassily Abramovich Orlo.

I did not realize you...

I, I never have, it is an experiment.

Ah! Wait outside, young fellow.

At home, they sing
your name across the region.

The impoverished but brilliant boy
we sent to court years ago now owns it.

Well, I don't own it.

Obviously, I'm a big part of...
Integral part of it.

None of this would've
happened without you.

I know that.

That's actually true.

And you wouldn't
have happened without us.

I know.

My gratitude is eternal.

And now, here we are, a chance
to rain that eternal gratitude upon us.

We have some needs.

I am very much at the service
of the Empress.

I'm sure it will not be a conflict,
for your heart will serve both loves.

That is your family's fervent wish.

Right.

A new road.

Imagine the joy it will bring.

Four hundred miles straight from sea,
through our great land.

Build it, and we will have access
to the next regions.

A dream for us.

I will try my best.

You will succeed.

Right.

I know what you're thinking.

Hmm.

And you're wrong.

Will you retire to bed now, Empress?

No.

I have work to do.

That is why I am here.

Ye... Get Vinodel.

A baby's mother needs sleep.

Perhaps normal mothers do, I do not,

as I am an Empress and have much to do,
as that is why I came to Russia.

Do you have something
to help me not sleep?

I have something for everything:
Not sleep, not speak, not fart, not sh*t,

not cum, not blink, not wink...

Just get it then. Without talking.

Indeed.

Nose or arse?

What is it?

Lavender, gunpowder,
and some plant oils and stuff.

I can't remember exactly,
but, um, it's good.

Thanks.

So, Belanova, should we perhaps
go share a port in my apartments?

Hmm, I think f*ck first, then port.

I had it in a different order,
but we can do it your way.

- Shall we?
- Velementov, we have work to do.

My apartments now.

- That was good.
- Mm.

You okay?

Mm-hmm.

To be honest, similarly disappointing
to doing it with a woman.

I thought perhaps because it was verging
on unpleasant with a woman,

perhaps a, a man was more
the carriage I should be riding in,

but the road is different,
but the feeling much the same.

Right.

And the feeling is?

I'd really rather be reading a book.

Orlo.

Oh! Hello.

- We have work to do.
- Yes, we do.

Great. Brilliant. Good day, sir.

Oh, right.

I-I can see you are upset
and think perhaps that I lost the empire,

and what would my father think,
and what a fuckhead,

but I have a genius plan.

And I know you will roll your eyes
and have commented before

that perhaps my brain and way of thinking
is that of a peasant

kicked in the head by a horse.

An affectionate jest, I know.

You see...

I love her, and she loves me.

My throat is quite dry,
as happens with you at times.

I feel a bit shaky.

The room...

vi-vibrates a little.

How do you make...

I just need to sit.

Merci, Madame.

Au contraire, Merci, monsieur.

I guess it will be fun.

I went there as a girl and loved it.

I'll miss the trees.

They have trees.

I can't stop thinking...

who's gonna dance for him,

when he looks out that window now
and no one's there?

He'll be fine.

Stop the carriage!

- What? What are you doing?
- We should stay.

- We could find our way out of this.
- We're banished.

He needs us.

I need you to go to France with me.

I can't.

Are you kidding? You've spent years
trying to get me alone.

- I love you, and I, I want you.
I just...

He needs me right now.

So do I.

- Come with me.
- You come with me.

That is all the legal codes,
some 16,000.

So, we will read them all
and find all the laws we wish to repeal.

- Christ, I hope you don't mean tonight.
- Of course, I do.

- It is very late.
- Ah!

Katya, the children must read Sophocles.

Of course, Empress.

Sophocles. He's great.

Now.

- Now, now?
- Wake them!

There is no time to waste
filling their young brains.

- Oh.
- Go!

Moving on.

I would like to invite scientists
from all over Europe for a competition,

and we will b*at them all.

Most of our good scientists left.

So, offer them as much money
as it takes to come back,

and keep offering until they say yes.

Now to transport in the regions.

Examination of routes.

I had an idea.

A road 400 miles long
through a single region,

maybe from the sea, would
send a message of modernization.

Brilliant, Orlo.

What would be a good region for this?

Maybe Reograditch.

From sea to the farms,
to the cities, one road.

I love it. Done!

Well, that, that seems
a good amount of work...

- I am not tired.
We have a country to run, to transform.

People spilt blood for us,
and we will repay it with sweat and toil.

And when I had that shaking disease
the f*cking doctors could not resolve,

when it was clearly from a swallowed bee,

you would just come in and say,
"Still doing that, is he?"

Whereas Elizabeth would lie with me
and hold me until I calmed.

Yeah, I remember Igor saying about you
being mean and his mother being better,

and her kindness, and you saying
Igor is a c**t, and...

That was Igor.

Father Basil.

We need to speak of the church.

I feel it can be different, better.

- I agree.
- What should it be?

Uh... a church more for the people
and less about wealth and power.

Exactly!

All this politics, and money,
and old men who won't look at a woman.

I mean, you look at women.

- All the time.
A God-given pleasure.

Amen.

I feel a younger generation
of leaders could help that.

I'm sure there are good men, who...

Look at this handsome, handsome,
egoless holy man we have before us.

Gentlemen, applause
for this actual man of goodness.

The patriarch and the archbishop
of court are usually two different people.

The Emperor traditionally
names his own archbishop.

That is one tradition
I would like to keep.

Father Basil,
you are now my archbishop at court.

I am, uh, overwhelmed and honored.

You are, as Leo said, a very soft heart.

And now our chat is done.

We will work for the good of the people,

and perhaps we will have enemies
in the church,

and if we do, we will smite them down
in a very Old Testament way.

Hmm.

Huh. Now, I have bought a lot of art.

I would like to build a gallery
next to the palace.

Something small, so we can go visit it

and drink it in and let it change us all.

So much to do! It's just...
It's dizzying and fun, is it not?

Mm! Huzzah!

I remember once, you came in
and stuck a pin in me,

and then left and I sat there wondering

what I'd done to get you
to stick a pin in me.

And I still wake up
some mornings wondering.

And the answer that floats
by occasionally that I refuse to grab

is nothing actually.

Nothing!

Mother?

Yula, someone better be f*cking dead.

No one's dead, but it does seem urgent.

So, if you look at page 49,
the word, "thusly."

Eh, I, I don't like the word.

It sounds like the name
of a Norwegian stable boy.

I'll just take it out.

And thusly, he took it out.

Come on, spark up, you two.

Thusly.

Page 50.

Gentlemen, ladies need a moment.

Marial, we're working.

I am your best friend and need to talk.

That is the prerogative of a best friend.

In the madness of the night, when one has
a problem, we are there for each other.

So you two can f*ck off
and run Russia later.

So we should give you
a minute, actually.

Oh. It's only polite. We...

Okay. What is your problem?

I am kept up late
worrying for my friend.

Do not. Solved. Go.

I just need to work now.

I fear you will make yourself,
and those around you, suffer,

and perhaps the country as well.

An angry, seemingly out of control,
woman is not looked on kindly.

Trust me on that.

This country needs changing,
and if people must suffer, then they must.

Isn't that Russian, after all?

Is that why you're making Peter suffer?

I am teaching him a lesson.

Cutting a throat or a nice piece
of cheese are all the same to him.

Leo is dead because of him.

He was fighting for his empire,
like you were.

Are you f*cking defending him?

I am not defending. Just...

This is Russia.

Okay, what is it you wish
to say to help me?

Say it and it will magically heal me.

What would Leo say?

"I can't believe you let them k*ll me,
you f*cking c**t."

What would Leo say?

"Forgive.

Live."

So, listen to him.

Oh! F-For f*ck's sake, cry!

f*ck.

Okay, okay.

Um, where was I?

This one.

Arm, small bone in arm.

f*ck.

Um, hand.

The f*cking human body.

Bullshit. A bear is simple.

Ah, yes!

Yes.

Yes. Brilliant.

Oh sh*t.

- I broke her.
Her head, everything.

I'm sorry.

I don't think I can
put her back together.

Sorry I was being cruel to you,
putting her in here.

Oh, I thought you thought
it was a nice thing to do,

having mother to keep me company.

You have an overly
benevolent view of me.

I love you.

Though your ruthlessness,
which I know of already,

has taken me aback this last day.

I am not ruthless.

Not like you.

You actually believe that, don't you?

I am sorry for my anger.

I had a bad dream.

Was it about an otter
who feasts on human hair?

No. Why would it be...

Many people have that dream.

It's fascinating how many people respond,
"Yes, an otter," when asked.

It was not about an otter.

Guard! Let her in.

Oh!

Coco Ottina.

You're allowing me to go?

I am, under guard, of course.

Forgiveness will perhaps
soften both our hearts.

Thank you.

Hey, what was your dream about,
if not an otter?

Leo.

You did as you had to.

Let it go, like a bluebird
off a tree in the spring.

How could you be
so f*cking blithe about it?

I'm not!

I even mentioned Leo
in my apology to you.

Uh...

"I am sorry you hate my v*olence,
but it has served me well,

"and when one does not
have a capacity for it,

one easily gets knifed
and flayed by those who do."

Look at Leo, for instance.

"He had a proclivity
for peaches and sonnets,

but not knives and bloodshed,
and now he is dead."

And not saying it's his fault,

but being a marrowless lobcock
didn't help him, did it?

"My sincerest apologies
I upset you, however.

I will try to k*ll less."

Now that's dealt with,
I would like to go truffling...

You do not care, at all.

- I just apologized, did you not hear it?
I shall read it again.

Oh, don't bother!

Dog!

We are going.

Oh, for f*ck's sakes!

If you'd wanted to save him,
you would have.

I didn't know how!

I am going to walk
over there and kiss you,

and we will see
why you didn't want to know.

Hey!

You said I could go truffling!

f*ck!

What happened?

What are you doing?

I'm going to find the first truffle
and then burn it in front of him.

So, you let go of the anger then?

- Do you want help?
- No!

How is she?

She had a dream.

Ha!

Come back!

f*ck.

Dog!

Dog!

Dog!

I'll find it myself.

Is it not marvelous!

It is! It is!

Jesus, Velementov,
is that really how you f*ck?

Like an angry warthog
with no control over your lower body.

f*ck!

Countess Belanova, are you drunk?

Look who you're f*cking.

Yeah, pull your pants up, fatso!

He's a hero.

He is a thimble-cocked warthog who
smells like an anchovy wrapped in sh*t.

Oh, look now. He's getting his g*n.
You really going to sh**t me?

- I am.
- Catherine will not allow it.

I did not know you were loose.

I was in the forest hunting.
I thought you were a syphilitic deer.

- I'll back that story.
- Traitor!

Run, you fucker! Run!

- You fucker!
- Come here!

- Ha-ha! Fatso.
- f*ckin' beanpole!

- Oh, sh*t!
- Hey!

- Ow! Ow!
- Stop! You coward!

What, you would sh**t
a man in cold blood?

Not a man. You.

Ah! Coco Ottina! Ah!

Truffle fucker!

Dog!

Oh!

Ow.

What...

Why did you say that?

- It's what we used to say.
- We?

You and I, when we found it,
as we did, we'd always yell it.

I was with Father.

Ah, Peter the Great
would launch the hunt, get bored,

head off to drink and f*ck.

It would end up just us.

I remembered it as him.

We never failed, though,
for five years when you were a kid.

Remember when we found
those six under a chestnut tree?

"And another," you kept yelling!
"And another!"

- Yeah, I do.
- Such joy on your face.

Ah.

Ah!

That's a good size.

Oh, that smell!

I'd rather eat that than p*ssy.

Unless it is pineapple-tasting p*ssy.

Though that is remindful
of summer, whereas this...

is... deepest autumn.

So it is a matter of, as I always say,
respect the seasonality of things.

I have forgotten
your curious inimitableness.

Hmm.

Ah, bread?

Do you have butter?

Of course I don't have f*cking butter.

Hmm.

There you are.

We've been looking for you.

We can walk on if you need more time.

Or... sit with you?

I lost the dog...

and I lost Leo.

I think, to be completely honest,
I'm very, very sad.

Do you think I could've saved him?

No.

I think the dream is just a wish.

You knew in the moment the truth
of what you had to do, and you did it.

You love Russia.

You broke your own heart for it.

Peter told me I'm ruthless.

He knows me well sometimes.

I don't know what to do with it,

this feeling.

Suffer it, shed bitter tears for it,
and yet live anyway.

It is the Russian way.

Today I am very Russian then.

Question: Why did you betray me?

You had been in my family for years,

and we treasured you as we might
our finest horses or furniture.

Huh? Well...

I suppose if I excavate to the root of it,
you were a f*cking terrible leader.

- What?
That's an absurd idea.

You also kicked me, called me fatso,

made me do funny dances when I had been
nothing but kindness to you as a boy.

Because you were losing the w*r
and making me look bad.

You was always in my f*cking way.

We could've won.

I am a talented general.

Between the coup
and the w*r on Sweden,

your talent seems to be
for k*lling Russians.

Just an observation.

Fucker!

No, I'll f*cking choke you to death with
a whole truffle rammed down your throat.

Hmm. A lovely way to die.

I have dreamed of it strangely.

You know why we won the coup?

I got hungry.

No, she inspires.

- What? And I do not?
- You're a f*cking idiot.

You don't care for the people,
for anyone.

You are careless with people, their pain.

You sh**t straight when you sh**t.

Well, no one cared
for you much as a boy.

My parents did not
like me much, did they?

f*ck 'em.

f*ck 'em?

They're dead.

f*ck 'em.

F-f*ck them...

Hm. Funny.

That was a good truffle.

Indeed.

Do you think I can change,
be a better man?

Probably not.

Fucker.

Grigor?

Huzzah!

Ha!

I'll miss Leo forever.

There will be others.

There'll never be another Leo.

There might be an Anton.

- A Gregory.
- A Pierre.

The French are very good.

First love is good,
but I also recommend 21st.

Antigone wants to bury him,

but that is going to be a big problem.

And Sophocles' play deals
with issues of w*r and death

and is just amazing.

Let us go.

There's much to do.