What's up?
Hey.
What you got going on there?
These? You mean, my old jeans
that haven't fit
since tenth grade
and haven't been
comfortable since eighth?
Honey, I am so proud of you
for sticking to this diet.
No carbs, no sugar,
no boobies.
OK, still some boobies.
But much smaller ones.
Booblettes.
Look at this.
I am hugging you, and my
hand is actually touching...
My other hand!
Mwah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Put it in
reverse there, kitten, all right?
Took me minutes
to put these jeans on.
Besides, Deacon's
on his way over.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
You're gonna-
you're wearing those?
Outside?
Yeah, why not?
Well, because those
are acid-washed jeans,
and it's out there.
So? My fat clothes,
they don't fit anymore.
All right. Well, we're gonna go
to the mall later today, OK,
and get you some new clothes.
Great. We could pick up
some stuff for the trip.
Oh, yeah.
Now you're thinking.
All right, tell me
where we're going, already.
No. It's a surprise.
Just tell me.
Hershey Park?
Hershey Park? No.
This is a trip to
celebrate my thinness.
So, where are we going-
salad world?
You're just gonna
have to keep wondering.
Are we going up north?
Are we going down south?
Are we going east, west?
Will you need a bathing suit?
Will you need
a space suit? Hmm.
All right, bye.
Bye, baby.
Looking at you from behind,
with your buzz-cut hair
and your chiseled buttocks,
one might mistake you
for a voluptuous lady trucker.
OK, you know what? You've
been talking about my buttocks
for days now.
Either make your move
or walk away.
Come in!
Hey, guy. Arthur.
Hello.
Wow, acid-washed jeans.
What, are you going to
a R.E.O. Speedwagon concert?
I got news for you.
They're coming back,
and so are these.
Spero wants to know if you
wanna sh**t some hoops later.
I can't, man. Carrie's taking me
shopping for vacation clothes.
Oh, your trip. Right.
Where you going?
We're going to this awesome
lodge up in the mountains.
I took her there years ago.
We had a great time.
She gave me this massage
with these oils.
Deac... she was basting
me like a Turkey.
OK, all I asked was
where you were going.
Uh, listen, Arthur. If the hotel
calls about the reservation,
just write down
the confirmation number,
but don't tell Carrie, OK?
It's a surprise, all right?
And put it in my top drawer.
You got it?
I didn't hear a word you said,
you slinky son of a bitch.
Number should be open.
Here's your key, and I'll
go grab you that sweater.
Thank you.
- What are you doing?
- What?
You can't come
in the dressing room with me.
Why not?
I don't know. People'll
think we're doing something.
Are we?
Oy.
- Hey, Carrie!
- Hey, Amy. What's up?
Nothing. Just doing
some shopping.
Yeah? Hey, are you
going to that stupid
computer training thing
at the office tomorrow?
No. I got out of it, told them
I had a dentist appointment.
Funeral!
Hey, Amy.
Oh, my god. Doug.
Look at you!
You look amazing!
Doesn't he?
How'd you do it?
I just cut out carbs.
I wish I'd known there was an
all-bacon diet years ago.
Turns out I was knocking
on the door the whole time.
All right, let's
check you out here.
How much did you lose?
Like pounds.
You are my hero.
Your police officers, your
firefighters, they're your heroes.
I just look fantastic.
All right.
Well, if you like these--
Although, I guess, you know
what? Hero's not totally wrong.
- Here's that sweater you wanted.
- Oh, thanks.
This guy just lost pounds.
Wow! Really?
I would never peg you
as an overweight guy.
I mean, you look like you
play football or something.
I did used to.
And I watch a lot.
Uh, you know what?
I think he's gonna need
these in a bigger size.
No, no, no.
They're supposed to be snug.
And look how cute
they are on him.
- He looks adorable.
- Doesn't he?
Doug, you working out, man?
You look ripped.
That's funny.
Usually you hit on her.
Ha ha ha!
Looking good, Mr. Heffernan.
Well, your bad cholesterol is
down, good cholesterol is up.
Your blood pressure's
under control.
And your body mass index
is nearing the normal range.
You keep this up, you're gonna add
another years on to your life.
Hey, guys.
I thought you were
out walking my dad.
Oh, I was, but he came
back here to change.
He wore socks with
sandals to the park, and...
Well, some of the kids
got pretty cruel.
OK.
All right, hon,
I'm going upstairs,
gonna throw the g-string on and
see what the hype's about.
Doug looks really great.
Yeah. He dropped a few pounds.
I bet he did.
I've been trying
to get rid of Turner and
Hooch here for quite a while,
but all it takes
is one kegger,
and boom, look who's
wearing overalls.
Right.
- Yeah. But he really looks good.
- Yeah, you mentioned it.
- No, but it's--
- OK, you know what?
I don't understand why everybody
wants to throw him a parade.
I mean, he's not the first
person to drop a few pounds.
What about Oprah?
All of a sudden, she's what,
yesterday's news?
No. I think about Oprah
all the time.
I just don't get it.
Why does everybody make
such a big deal about it?
Well, it's just
that people are
used to seeing you
together, you know?
And you're so gorgeous,
it was like you were up here, and
he was kinda, like, down here.
But now it's like... eh?
Eh-eh-eh.
I mean, you're
practically equals.
Yeah.
OK, put your hands down
before I smack 'em down.
Doug, breakfast!
Where are we headed? Is it in
America or in a foreign land?
Or in a foreign land
in America, like Epcot.
Well, wherever it is,
sit down and eat
your special
going-on-vacation pancakes.
Carrie, you know I can't have
pancakes. They're full of carbs.
Are they?
- Yeah.
- I think you're wrong.
- I'll take 'em.
- Dad, these are for Doug.
I told you, I can't
eat them, all right?
I'm trying to eat healthy
and stay in shape.
Eating disorder.
I said I'd take them.
I'm starving.
You've already had
bowls of cream of wheat.
Because I'm starving.
Thank you for making my
point and for embarrassing me.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
Thank you so much for
staying here while we're away.
Oh, no, it's no problem.
It worked out, actually.
Turns out our place
is being flea-bombed.
OK, so, anything we need
to know before you leave?
Um, yeah. Just do me a
favor and don't use my soap.
That skeeves me, OK?
Actually, you know what? I'll
just worry that you did use it,
so do what you want. I'm just
gonna throw it away anyway.
All right.
And one more thing.
Here's a list of appliances
my dad can't use.
OK. "Dishwasher,
oven, can opener."
How'd he get in trouble with a whisk?
He runs with it.
It's a whole thing.
Now, listen. Do not let
my dad drive the car.
He'll say that he's
allowed to, but he's not.
All right, the Heffernan
train is leaving.
But where
is it going? Hmm?
You have to stop doing that.
- OK, I will. Or will I?
- Doug!
Can I take this thing off now?
No. You'll ruin the surprise.
Doug, I've been wearing
this thing for hours.
Yeah, it's called
building the anticipation.
Like sex.
Yeah, Doug. 'Cause when we have
sex, it always lasts for hours.
Ha ha ha!
I get it.
'Cause it doesn't.
You keep me young, Carrie.
All right, now, we're
pulling into a gas station.
But don't worry.
This is not where we're
spending our weekend.
Or is it?
Ha ha ha!
Hey, guy.
How's it goin'?
It's goin'.
Great. Could you fill it up?
Super unleaded?
OK.
Here ya go.
Hey, question for ya.
I'm taking her up to the lake.
I wanna know if this
is the best route.
The only reason
I'm whispering is because
I don't want her to know
where she's going.
Is she OK?
Oh, yeah.
She's fine.
Leave it on.
So should I take
the or the ?
's better.
Aw, thanks, guy.
There you go.
Oh. Ahem.
What?
Well, we haven't really discussed
who'd be getting the bed.
OK. Then let's,
uh, discuss it now.
I'm gettin' it.
Just like that, you get it?
A lot of people would
call that presumptuous.
Well, a lot of people
also sleep in a bed,
but you ain't one of 'em.
You know what?
I'm getting in!
- Fine, bring it.
- I will.
Well, good.
What's taking so long?
If you think I'm gonna let one
uncomfortable camp experience
keep me out of this bed,
you are wrong.
All right. I'm getting in,
and I'm not getting out.
Great.
You still wanna stay?
Because...
I sleep freestyle.
You know what?
So do I.
Ooh, that's good.
Yeah.
We may have wandered
down a bad road here.
- Douglas, Carrie.
- Hey, Arthur.
Hey.
Oh, that's right.
It's the ne'er-do-well cousin
and his foppish roommate.
Welcome.
Thanks.
Oh, that's strange.
I can't seem
to find my car keys.
Oh, well. I'll just grab the
extra set from the coffee can.
Arthur, Doug and Carrie
said you couldn't drive.
What? No.
They're kidding.
Didn't sound like
they were kidding.
Their humor is subtle
like Jack Paar's.
Arthur, the answer's no.
You don't understand.
I'm trying to impress Brenda
sicklick down at the senior center.
If I don't have wheels,
I don't have a chance.
I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
Daniel, I appeal to you as the,
arguably, manlier of the two.
Please.
It's just down
to the senior center.
- Is it really that big a deal?
- Yes, it is that big a deal.
Carrie and Doug specifically said no.
What if it's an emergency?
- No.
- I don't know.
He could probably drive
if it's an emergency.
He can't drive if
it's an emergency.
Fine. Should you
start bleeding profusely,
I'll just sit and stare
at you, as per your wishes.
It's fine. You can drive
if it's an emergency.
Sweet.
As a token of my thanks,
I should like to make you
fine gentlemen some eggs.
Could you point me
toward the whisk?
So, did I do good?
Were you surprised?
Yeah. So surprised.
It's beautiful here.
I'm so glad
we're finally here.
Me, too.
Can you believe I got
us the same room?
Hmm?
I got us the same
room as last time.
What last time?
Last time we were here.
We were never here.
Come on, stop it.
Stop what?
We were never here.
Yes, we were. We were
here, like, years ago.
Remember? We became best friends
with Jesse the room service guy
'cause we didn't leave the
room the entire weekend.
No.
I said I could
stay here forever
because I don't need
anything in the world
except you and food
rolled in on a cart.
And you laughed.
No.
We saw a raccoon and
named it M.C. Hammer
'cause it had
extra-furry legs.
Like hammer pants.
No.
You gave me a special massage.
With the herbal oils
in the bathroom.
Doug...
I was never here.
Oh.
I think I was here alone.
That's what it was.
Oh, my god!
I can't believe you!
You were here
with someone else!
No! No! It was
definitely you!
I distinctly remember,
'cause it was the last time I was thin!
- You were never thin with me!
- Yes, I was!
Doug, I think I'd remember
if you were thin, OK?
I would remember
everybody coming up to you,
going, "oh, my god! You look
so great! You look so fantastic!
You're the skinniest man
in the whole wide world!"
Never happened!
Get the door.
Room service.
Hey, great.
Thank you.
All right.
Here we go.
Doug?
Jesse.
How you doin', man?
Good. Good. You?
Pretty good.
Pretty good.
You know, still doing
the room service thing.
Great. That's great.
Is Beth here with you?
Oh, my god.
Right.
Beth McGurtrie.
That makes a lot of sense.
Yeah.
No, hi, Jesse.
Beth hasn't been with
him for years.
Carrie Heffernan. Hi.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry.
Doug, we'll catch up later.
Yeah.
That was Jesse.
Yeah, got that.
So, you, uh-
you hungry?
No, I'm not hungry, Doug.
I'm devastated.
Let's just--let's go home.
No, come on.
Look, I'm sorry, OK?
I screwed up, but...
I obviously remembered
it as being you
because I had
such an amazing time.
Amazingly weird time.
The kind of time you wish
you could do over again
with someone you really love.
And now god has
given us that chance.
Come here.
No. Get off.
Come on.
Let's just stay, all right?
We got the mountains.
We got the lake.
We got a beautiful,
romantic, nonrefundable room.
Yeah, the same room you were
in with slutty McRubdown.
Come on, can't we just stay and
enjoy ourselves? I love you.
Fine.
Ah. Well, I see you two
broke in the bed.
You know what?
I like this room better.
It's a beautiful day
out there.
Have you guys
canoed here before?
Yeah, once.
But I hated it.
It was, uh-it was with
the wrong person. You know?
This one, she's the one I wanna
go rowing through life with.
Ha ha ha!
Do you have someone you love?
- No.
- No.
I guess there's not much of a
personal life in the canoe game, right?
You're married to lake
chapawawa. Am I right?
Anyhoo.
All right. Well,
let's get going here.
Here, honey.
That's yours right there.
All right.
Whoa. Whoa.
It's the perfect storm.
All right, Doug.
Please.
OK.
Ah! This is nice.
Rowing the boat, huh?
Hey!
Everybody!
This is the life, huh, babe?
Yeah, I guess.
Whoa! Sounds like
somebody's ready to sing.
All right, gotta save
something for the row back.
Oh, great idea.
There's this little
secluded spot.
Very quiet, very romantic.
We should go there.
Oh, really?
How do you know about that spot, Doug?
You know what?
That spot sucks.
We're gonna find
a better spot.
You know what? Doug, I'm
sorry I even said anything.
Go to the spot.
No! No, no, no!
Stop it.
We're not gonna go to the spot.
We'll find another one.
Doug, I said go to the spot!
It's fine!
No! Stop it!
Oh, this is mature.
Stop it!
This is very mature.
Stop it! Stop being mad at me, OK?!
I'm just out here, trying
to have a good time with you!
Now start singing!
It's fun!
06x01 - Doug Less (1)
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Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.
Series follows head of the household Doug who works for a delivery company like UPS.