06x02 - Doug Less (2)

[bunniefuu]

Previously on King of Queens...

Honey, I am so proud of you
for sticking to this diet.

No carbs, no sugar,
no boobies.

I rented this awesome lodge
up in the mountains.

I took her there years ago.
We had a great time.

That's strange. I can't seem
to find my car keys.

Arthur, Doug and Carrie
said you couldn't drive.

- What if it's an emergency?
- No!

I don't know.

He could probably drive
if it's an emergency.

Can you believe
I got us the same room?

Hmm?

I got us the same room
as last time.

What last time?

Last time we were here.

We were never here.

Come on. Stop it.

Is Beth here with you?

Oh, my god.

Land ho!

Now, when we get out of
the boat here, step lively.

Remember, this is
turtle country.

It's all good.
It's all good.

Here we go. OK.

Milady.

There we go.

Doug. Doug.

I got it. I got it.
Doug's got it.

Whoo! You know what
I like about this place?

It's totally new.

Never seen it before.
Never been here before.

Is fresh.

So what do you wanna do?

I don't know.

Well, what do people
usually do here?

Uh...

Take in the scenery, I guess.

Uh-huh.

Come on. What do you say?
Shall we?

Leaves of , let it be.

Learned that in boy scouts.

Huh.

What else you got?

I read in the brochure that this
area has indigenous ferns.

Wanna discover a new one
and name it Carrie?

The canoe!

Oh, crap!

Watch it! Leaves of ! Leaves of !

Crap! Crap!

Cold! Cold!

So cold.

Cold! Cold.

All right, boys,
we're goin' in.

Down goes Frazier.

It's too far!
I can't get it!

Just swim!

I just swallowed a fish!

I don't think you did.

I did. I think
it was a sardine.

- You love sardines.
- With Mayo!

All right. You know what?
Bring it in. Bring it in.

Come on!

Well, that was
pretty pathetic.

Well, on behalf of myself and the
baby sardines growing in my stomach,

thanks for the love.

So, what do we do now?

You think we can
get back on foot?

I'm sure we could
if we knew where we were,

but I've never
been here before, remember?

Is fresh!

Oy.

All right.
You know what?

We have the cell phone.

We'll call information
for the hotel,

and they will give
us directions back.

It's, uh,
mountain view lodge, right?

I thought it was
mountain Ridge.

What?
No, you're wrong.

- No, you're wrong.
- Uh, excuse me.

I'm the one who made
the reservation.

I think I know
the name of the hotel.

Uh, excuse me.

You don't even remember
which girl you brought here.

Fine. You know what?

Just call your dad.
I left the number with him.

Hello?

- Hey, dad.
- Who is this?

Carrie.

Listen, it's not a big deal.

Doug and I are a little lost.

Is this an emergency?

Well, yeah. Kinda.

Hold on, baby!
Daddy's coming!

OK, that's not gonna work.

You know what? Let me
just call information.

Let them figure it out.

Yeah, hey. I need the
number to mountain lake lodge

near lake chapawawa.

Nothing?

How about
mountain Ridge lodge?

Lakeview? Lake Ridge?

Land o' lakes.
Emerson, lake, and Palmer.

Help me out here, OK?

Do you happen
to have a listing

for an Elizabeth McGurtrie
in Staten island?

It might be Beth McGurtrie.
Check that.

Oh, my god.

What are you doing?

No, it's a different Beth.

This one's a park ranger.

I can't believe
you're calling her!

Maybe she can remember
the name of the place.

This is-it's unbeli-I
mean, first you bring me here

thinking
that I'm her--

Oh, my god!

How many times do I gotta
apologize for this?!

I made a mistake, OK?!
Can we move on?!

No, we can't move on, Doug.

You know, I don't
think this is a mistake.

I mean, ever since you've
lost all that weight,

you've become
an insensitive jerk.

- What?!
- That's right!

Fat Doug would
never do this to me.

What are you talking about?

Fat Doug was sensitive,
loving, caring, and kind.

You never told him that.

I didn't need to.

Fat Doug didn't need his
ego boosted all the time.

You know what? "Fat Doug"
is a little harsh.

Let's go with F.D.

You know why you can't
tell the difference

between me and Beth McGurtrie?

Because your brain has
been turned upside down

from all these people
drooling all over you.

Sickening.

Oh, my god!
You're jealous!

Jealous?!

That's right. I think
you liked it better

when it was hottie and fatty.

Now it's hottie and hottie,

you gotta share the spotlight,
and you don't like it.

Are you actually accusing me
of being that small and petty?

Uh-huh!

For years, you're
nagging me to lose weight.

"Oh, you look terrible. You're
gonna die." Blah blah blah!

Turns out, you can't
handle the competition!

Oh!

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm stealing your thunder.

Yeah!
That's thunder!

Oh, get away from me!

Where you going?

You looking for your thunder?

'Cause you ain't
gonna find it.

You know why?
I got it all.

No, I'm looking
for the hotel, brain.

Well, you know what? If you
would have let me call Beth,

maybe we'd find our way back.

Oh, you know what? Maybe
you should call Beth

and see if she's
still available.

Oh, yeah? You'd love it if I
got back together with Beth.

Then you'd be free to
go after another big boy.

How's this sound?
Mrs. Dom Deluise.

Or better yet, hook up
with the kool-aid man.

Oh, yeah!

You know, do me a favor and
don't talk to me. I'm sick of you.

Right back at you.

Is it raining?

A little.

We are so screwed.

All right, now we're
making some progress.

There's the sun.

The sun always sets
in the west, right?

So we must be heading west.

And do you have any idea
if the hotel is west?

Boy, you really hate the fact
that I'm hot now, don't you?

OK, you know what?
We went too far.

We should go back
the other way.

No, no.
You're totally wrong.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, I don't?!

You have us heading west,
and you have no idea why.

Uh, the pioneers didn't know why,
and that's how we got Texas.

But I guess you'd be fine
without Texas.

I just wish I knew
where we were.

I mean, are we getting closer?

Are we getting farther?

What?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna see if I can
find the hotel from here.

You're not gonna see anything.

I might see something!

I don't think you will.

I can't talk and climb
at the same time.

Oh, god!

What's wrong?

It's an owl.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Who throws up from an owl?

Look, I was expecting pine cones,
and I got a square-shaped bird.

It's very disturbing.

All right, you know what? Just
nudge it, and it'll fly away.

No, I'm not gonna touch it.

What if it bites me?

Owls don't bite.

They wear glasses.

They're the nerds
of the forest.

All right.

No, owls can't fly.

If it doesn't fly,
how'd it get in the tree?

Uh, I'm in the tree.
Can I fly?

Could you just
push it away, please?

Oh. Hope it lands
right on you.

I would love that.

Whoa!

Ooh... oh, my god! Are you OK?

I think so.

I scratched my face, though.

Oh...

All right, a little bactine,
and you will be good as new.

Oh, suddenly I'm deformed,
and you're nice to me.

You got a real Beauty and the
Beast thing going, don't you?

Are you crazy?!

Crazy ugly, just the
way you like 'em!

Well, now I'm taking
you down with me.

Oh, where are you going?
What are you doing?

I'm finding some leaves of ,
and then I'm gonna mess you up.

What?

Yeah.

Kiss that sweet,
unblemished skin good-bye.

Doug, are you seriously gonna
att*ck me with poison Ivy?

I mean, is that the way
it's gonna end for us?

No.

My hand itches now.

I don't believe anyone
ever made fire this way.

I just don't.

And I don't believe
the only thing

you ever learned
from the boy scouts

was how many leaves
poison Ivy has.

And now you have poison Ivy!

I'm going to sleep.

Oh, wow.
That's the north star.

That way must be north.

And do you know
if the hotel is north?

I hate the sky.

Actually, it's kind of
beautiful tonight.

That better be a rat.

Just thinking, you know,
it's you and I...

Alone in the woods...
About to die...

It's kind of romantic.
You want to, uh--

what planet are you on?

I just don't think we
should go to bed angry.

Well, we're not going to bed.

We're going to twigs.

Well, then, I don't think

we should go to twigs
angry, either.

All right, last chance,
'cause...

I'm shuttin' her down.

Hey.

Hello.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

You always say nothing

when it's something.

What is it?

You know very well what it is.

No, I don't.

You totally made me the
bad cop today with Arthur.

You had no right to do that.

Oh, excuse me.

Uh... sorry.

Um, Danny said I can
borrow the PlayStation,

and Doug keeps it
up here, so...

Fine. I just...

Wasn't expecting you.

Sure.

We were kind of, uh...

In the middle
of something here, Deac.

Are you guys both
sleeping in here?

Yeah.

Well, you know there's a futon in
the other room, and there's a cou--

Never mind.

Would you just leave, please?!

Believe me, I'm not looking for
any reason to hang around.

Look...

I'm sorry about
what happened today.

All right, I just thought
that the easiest way

to deal with Arthur
was to give in to him.

Of course that's
the easiest way.

But if we always take the easy way
out, how's he ever gonna learn?

Well, he is almost .

Look, why don't we get a
good night's sleep, all right?

And in the morning, we'll
sit down with Arthur,

and we'll tell him there are
certain rules in this house

and he has to live by them.

OK, still in the woods.

Ow. Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow!

I can't believe there are people
who actually go camping by choice.

Oh, my god, what if we never
find our way out of here?

That would be bad, Doug.

You know what? Maybe we
should just live here,

start a new society,
learn to talk with the chipmunks.

You can't even touch
an owl without gagging.

Now you're talking
to chipmunks?

OK, you know what?
I won't start my own society.

OK, you happy now?

Yes. I'm thrilled.

All right, let's get moving.

I think we should go,
uh... this way.

No, that's the way
we came from.

No, that... is... the way...
We came... from!

Talking... like... this...
Doesn't... scare... me!

OK, you know what?
I have an idea.

How 'bout you go your way,
I'll go mine?

Smartest idea you've had ever.

Terrific!

Oh, and don't go
startin' your own society.

That's my thing!

Doug?

Doug!

God bless her, she got away!

Attagirl!

I'll have the
egg-white omelet...

And...

I will survive!

I choose life!

Could I get the check?

Oh, and a map
to rescue my husband.

Thanks.

Doug?

Carrie?

Is that you crying?

No.

Follow my voice.
I found a way out.

Oof!

Hey!

What do I do?

Just cross over the bridge.

Are you crazy?!

Come on.
You can do it.

Cross over the bridge.

Easy for you.

You're on the right side.

Shaba-lama...

You're doing great.

Gaa-vuch!

Oh, god!

You're fine!
You're fine!

I'm not fine!

Get me a helicopter now!

Doug, you don't need
a helicopter.

I really think a
helicopter's the way to go.

Doug, listen to me.
You can do this.

I can't. This bridge'll never hold.

Yes, it will.

Look, you're not fat anymore.

You're light as air.

I know you're lying now.

I'm going back.
I'll live here.

You start a new life
with Dom Deluise.

No, Doug, stop.

I don't want Dom Deluise.
I want you, OK?

Really?

Yes.

Now, look, I know I went a little
crazy with this Beth thing

and you losing all the weight and
getting all that attention...

'Cause you--
you stole my thunder.

You know? And, uh...
Didn't love it.

Can't blame a girl
for wanting her thunder.

But the thing is, Doug,

you deserve the attention, OK?

And-and I love you,
and I'm so sorry,

and I know that you are
skinny enough

to make it across this bridge.

Then why did that
little thingy break?

'Cause you're still kinda big.

Now run.
Come on, honey.

Come on, baby!

Oh, I love you so much.

I love you, too.

What happened to you?
It's only been minutes.

I went a little overboard.

You know, let's go
to Hershey Park.

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Where's my dad?

I will survive!

Oh, god!