06x04 - Dreading Vows

[bunniefuu]

Wow. I don't know
who this Brown Betty is,

but she knows her way
around an apple.

Can I have a bite?

- Oh, my god.
- I'll get it for you.

Mmm! Mmm, that's good!

How great is this place?

The greatest! Off the hook,
as the kids like to say.

I mean, the ambience,
the view.

I mean, look at the sun
going down over that bluff.

And you know, I've never
been a big fan

of the "sunset",
but that's pretty great.

How lucky were we just
to stumble onto this spot?

Thank god there was a
sh**ting at that waffle place.

Huh.

That was weird.

What?

I don't know. I--

when I kissed you, my
heart was b*ating all fast,

and-I don't know-
felt all warm inside.

You think something
was wrong with the shrimp?

No.
Believe it or not,

I think it's love.

- Shut up!
- I'm serious!

And I'm not just saying
it to get sex from you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, if you started
doing stuff to me

under the table,
I don't think I'd stop you,

but... it's not about that.

You know, I feel like I'm falling
in love with you all over again.

In fact, if we
weren't married,

I'd be proposing to you
right here, right now.

Oh!

And you'd be looking
into my eyes saying,

"give me a couple of
days to think about it."

Stop!

Hey, you know, I have an idea.

Eh, forget it.
It's stupid.

What?

Have, like,
a whole ceremony here.

On the bluff.

- I don't love it.
- You don't?

I super love it!

Really? How great
is this gonna be?

We'll invite all
our friends, our family,

we'll get it catered, we'll
have someone playing the flute.

Hey, I can finally
get my monkey.

What's that, baby?

Remember at our wedding,
I always wanted to have

a monkey walk down the aisle
and hand me the ring.

Yeah. Yeah!

No reason you can't have
your monkey this time.

Sweet.

Darling, allow me
to hearken you back

to a bleak December day
in the midst of World w*r II

when a young Arthur
Spooner saved the life

of a fellow soldier
named Rusty Bubbico.

OK, is this
a random hearkening,

or are you going
somewhere with this?

OK, I'm going somewhere.

OK.

We visited the red
light district one night,

and I fronted him
a prophylactic.

Gonorrhea was the flavor
of the month back then.

So it's a love story.

Heh heh! It is now.

He gave me a fine bottle of port
wine as his way of saying thanks.

I've been saving it
all these years,

and I've decided to
give it to you two

on the day
you renew your vows.

Oh! That's very generous.
Thank you, dad.

My pleasure, darling.

OK, ma, well,
it's weeks from today,

so you better start
working on a flight out.

We will. Joe,
we should use our miles.

I'm sure that weekend
will be blacked out.

They always black out the weekends
we want to use the miles.

We'll be there
with bells on, darling.

Like that yogurt place.

They stopped taking
those punch cards

just before I was due
for my free cone.

It's all a scam.

Yeah, I'm sure
that the yogurt place

and the airlines
are in cahoots.

Focus, ma. OK?

You got your whole life
to talk to him.

Sorry, dear.
Listen, don't forget

to invite our friends
Smitty and Jules.

I don't even know
who they are.

You know Smitty and Jules.

OK, not only
don't I know them,

I don't even know
which one's the man

and which one's the woman.

I'll tell them to
expect an invitation.

OK, fine, ma. All right,
I'll talk to you later.

- I gotta go.
- OK, bye-bye, sweetheart.

All right, bye.

Now back to the important
stuff-finding us a monkey.

Monkey, monkey, monkey.

"Mirrors, money orders,
monograms, mufflers."

Where's "monkey"?

How does monkey not have,
like, full pages?

Yeah, Doug, about the
whole monkey thing,

I was just thinking
that, you know,

maybe a vow renewal
monkey is a waste.

You know, maybe we should
save it for something

a little bit more festive,
like a Cinco de Mayo monkey.

You know, get him a sombrero,

a little cap g*n
six-sh**t.

You know-pow!
You know?

Hmm. I don't know. I don't
know if I feel comfortable

degrading a monkey that way.

Let's-let's
just stick with the plan.

OK.

It's open.

Arthur, you know you shouldn't
leave the door unlocked like that.

I mean, any freak can just
walk in off the street.

Oh, very funny.

Um, I'm returning
Carrie's copy of The Hours.

Let her know I thought
it was haunting.

What have you got there?

A bottle of port I'm
giving to Doug and Carrie

for their vow renewal.
It's my little way of saying

how special they are to me.

A Dugahno Novidade. This
thing's worth a bundle.

- Really?
- Oh, sure.

A member of my wine enthusiasts
club bought one for over $ , .

- Oh, my god!
- Yeah.

You see, the reason
it's so rare

is that year there was an early
frost, so the grape harvest--

Message received, stubby.

Why are you
so bent out of shape?

Don't you get it?

I promised to give this
to Douglas and Carrie.

Damn it. Why didn't I just
make them another birdhouse?

Wedding vow renewal, huh?

What you plan on doing,
you know, best man-wise?

Is it gonna be Deacon again?

Because at your wedding, you picked him
and, you know, not me,

and not that I really cared,
but it was... weird.

Actually, you know what? I'm
not going with a best man.

Uh, hello!

Someone has to hand you the
wedding ring. It's tradition.

Yeah. I'm having
a monkey do that.

What?

Yeah, I was gonna go
with a spider monkey,

and then I decided you
only get married again once,

so I'm going with a chimp.

That's your Cadillac
of monkeys.

Wait a minute here.
Hold on.

I lost out
on being best man...

To a monkey?

Not by much.

I can't believe this.

How can I help you?

Oh, OK, uh, well,

my wife and I,
we're renewing our vows,

and we need to rent some
chairs and tables and stuff.

Here's the date,
there's the time.

Now, do I need to leave
you a deposit or you--

First things first.

What kind of chairs
did you want?

Uh...

The kind you, uh, sit on.

We offer different styles.

Flat back, arched,
faux bamboo.

I'm obliged to also
mention bean bag chairs,

but I forbid you. Sit down
and I'll go get our catalog.

OK.

"The Beastie boy"?

Oh, that's my monkey guy.

Hello. Hey! So we're
good to go on the th?

What?

Ohh. Can't Fleischman Toyota

have their "Going bananas"
sale without him?

OK, fine. Um,
so I guess we'll go

with that spider monkey.

Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry.

OK, then. Thanks.

I can't believe this.
I can't get my monkey.

Oh, can't you?

Well, maybe
I'm not available now.

All right.

No, no, I'll do it,
I'll do it.

Yes, hi. I'm looking for
Maria Ferraro, the flutist.

This is she.
The flautist.

Hey, potay-to,
potah-to, right?

It's flautist.

Right. Anyway, my husband
and I were thinking

about hiring you
for our vow renewal,

and I was just wondering if I could
hear you play a little something.

Well, the phone isn't
really the best medium.

Either flaut or
get off the pot, OK?

Uh, hello? Would you just
hold on for one second, OK?

Hello? Miss?
Yoo-hoo!

Be right back.
Hello.

Hi, darling.
I was just thinking

instead of that
stodgy old port wine,

how about if I float you
a delightful bottle

of peach schnapps?
Nearly full.

Well, dad, I kind of had my
heart set on trying the port.

Uh-huh. What about
if I throw in a canned ham?

All right, I gotta go. I'll
talk to you later. Hello?

Hey, I need you
to decide on a table.

They have round, oval,
square, rectangle,

one in that
stop-sign shape--

I'm on the other line
right now, honey.

Listen, I am very close
to blacking out.

Please pick a shape.

I am on the other line
with the flute lady.

- Wait a second.
- No, I gotta go.

I'll talk to you at home.
OK, bye.

That sounded great.

Hello?
You still there?

Where are you?

I think the more appropriate
question is where were you?

Oh, um, I'm sorry.
See, what happened was--

Ugh! This party!

Are all flautists b*tches?

Because I know of them are.

And the bakery won't
deliver to the bluff,

so we gotta drive miles

with a -foot-high cake
strapped to our hood.

And port-a-potties
are a fortune.

Can't we just tell everybody on the
invitation to come having peed?

What's the matter with you?

Mr. Bongo's a whore.

What?

He blew us off
because he got a job

working a Toyota dealership
with Phil Simms.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

Who would've thought that a
beautiful thing like a vow renewal

would be such
a pain in the ass?

I know.

But you're still
into it, right?

Yeah.

I mean, if you are.

No, I am.

I'd be willing not to,
though, if you--

- OK.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my god!

I am so relieved! We are
k*lling ourselves here.

Yes!

Oh, I'm so happy
we're not doing this.

What were we thinking?

I know! I mean,
we already did our vows.

We said them once.

They never go bad.
They're like Twinkies.

Right!

Hey, kids, don't mind me.

Just dropping off
some literature.

Apparently, they found
a link between port wine

and irritable bowel syndrome.

Oh, that's OK, dad.

We decided not
to renew our vows.

Oh, well, that's too bad.

Hot dog!

Hello.

- Dougie, it's mom.
- Hey, ma.

I just wanted you to
know Smitty is diabetic

and is wondering if you're gonna
have splenda packets on the table.

Oh, well, you can tell him...
or her not to worry

because we're calling
the whole thing off.

What?

Yeah, you know what?

It just turned into a huge pain,
and we just decided to bag it.

Oh. I see.

Well, I'll tell Smitty,
and, uh, that's that, then.

OK, ma, then say hi to dad,
and I'll talk to you soon.

- Good-bye, sweetheart.
- Bye.

Joe! The kids are in trouble!

Hey, Carrie.

I need you to -hole-punch
this set of papers,

and -hole-punch
this set,

and remember to save
those little circles--

For new year's Eve
confetti. I know.

OK. You're the best.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, by the way, I'm coming
solo to your vow renewal.

I figure romantic setting,

why bring an old cow along

when there are new calves
for the lassoing?

You didn't hear? We
canceled the whole thing.

Oh. Sorry.
That's too bad.

Oh, no, no. It's OK.
It just became a hassle.

A hassle. Mm-hmm.

You know, Carrie, we have a policy
for what we call crisis leave.

Yeah, no, I know.

I remember from
when you took yours.

But, no, we're fine.
Doug and I are great.

We've never been better.

Right.

Hey, kiddo. I just heard
you called things off.

You OK?

Yeah?

Talk to me, guy.

Excuse me?

Talk to me.

About what?

Talk... to... me.

Hey!

Look, I heard you
were canceling your vows.

I - I had no idea things
were this bad with you two.

It's not bad. What
are you talking about?

It just became a big
pain, that's all.

Hey, when I accepted

your invitation
to be your best man,

I didn't just sign up
for the good times.

I consider it a responsibility,
and I take it very seriously.

You were supposed
to be a monkey.

Shh!

Easy.

It's me here.

Take off the mask.

Let me see your face.

OK, you know what? You're
right. You're right, man.

We should talk, but, uh,

I'll tell you what.
These walls have ears,

so let's go outside
and do it out there.

Oh, good call, buddy.

Yeah, totally.

Ahem. OK.

- So has anybody bought my port?
- We don't know yet, OK?

This is an on-line auction.
It could go on for days.

Well, I can't
sit here for days.

I mean, the next
are fine, but on Thursday,

I'm sampling food
at Costco with Mickey.

The current bid is...

$ , !

Mamaloshen!

Ohh. Hey, guys. What are
you doing on my computer?

Oh, just, uh...

Looking at p*rn,
sweetheart.

Well, good luck with that.

Thank you.

Supermarket
knockoff Advil now!

What's wrong with you?

Oh, work was crazy.

I mean, ever since we
canceled renewing our vows,

everyone thinks our
marriage is in trouble.

They were all like,
"are you OK?

We're here for you, sweetie."

It's so freakin' annoying.

I got the same thing
from Danny,

and the chair guy
invited me out for Sushi.

You know what?
Let the machine get it.

It's probably just Danny
reminding me hugs are free.

Dougie, it's your mother.

I'm gonna try and
say this without crying.

Every marriage
has its potholes...

Oh, god.
It's spread to Florida.

And marriage can be a long
and wonderful winding road.

All right, you know what?

Should we just go through with
this to stop this madness?

Are you crazy? We're
not gonna do it

just to prove
something to people.

Doug, I can't live
like this anymore!

And when trouble
comes into that home--

Oh, for the love of Pete!
Will you leave them alone?

Go back to your program, Joe!

This is a private
conversation.

When you have trouble,

all you need to get through it is
faith in each other and in god.

Oh, great. Now she's got
god in the middle of this.

That's a lot of firepower.

All right, all right,
we'll do it!

Ma, ma, yeah.
Don't worry.

You know what? We're
gonna renew the vows.

Well, I'm glad you're happy.

OK. Bye.

That's a kick in the oblongs.

And it's because of
the love that you two share

that you've chosen
to come together

at this blessed renewal
of your wedding vows.

Am I correct?

Hmm?

Oh. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful
thing, beautiful.

Well, now, are you planning
on writing your own vows?

Gotta be honest
with you, father.

Whatever you
got handy is fine.

Yeah, we'll just
take the standard vows,

and we'll fill in all the
personal stuff, like Mad Libs.

Uh, Doug, uh, Carrie, you do
realize this is a vow renewal.

You don't have to do this.

Oh, no, no, no,
we have to do this.

Yeah, because everyone
we know is all over us

because of her great idea.

Whoa, whoa!

You're not trying to
blame me for this, are you?

All I'm saying is if
you hadn't thought of it,

my mom wouldn't be crying
into our answering machine.

Oh, please, would you?

I'm gonna go get

the Affirmation of Love
pamphlet.

First of all, the only
reason why I thought of it

in the first place is because
you were going on and on

about how much "in love" you
were with me at the restaurant.

And the only reason I
was saying I was "in love"

with you is because you got me
drunk and promised me a monkey.

Oh, yeah, Doug, and that
was a brilliant idea--

take our sacred wedding vows and
turn it into a friggin' circus!

I knew it. You've
always hated my monkey!

- From the beginning!
- Ya think?

Doug, Carrie.

I have a young, happy couple
waiting right outside.

Oh, sorry, father.

- We'll-we'll lower our voices.
- Yeah.

I was wondering if you guys
could, uh, just...

She's minutes late.

I don't think she's coming.

The girl's just a little late.

Scatterbrained is all she is.

I'm not so sure.
Pray with me, Joe.

She'll be here!

You don't know that!

Poor kid.

You know, I saw the
whole thing coming.

Everyone did.
She's been so stressed.

I heard her
yell at a flautist.

Yowch.

This is unbelievable.

You all right, man?
You need anything?

Hey, step off, pal.

I'm the best man.
You had your chance.

I was just gonna ask if
he wanted another soda.

Yeah, well, now I'm gonna ask
him if he wants another soda.

- You want another soda?
- No.

No. He said no. All right.
Take a stroll, babe.

Bye-bye!

Well, folks, looks like Douglas
has been left at the altar.

Let's form an orderly line
and walk away from the bluff,

and any gifts
you may have brought

are obviously yours to keep.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I haven't been left at the altar!

OK? Carrie will be here.

Our relationship is fine!

It's great!

All right,
look, it's not great.

OK, we're in a huge fight
right now,

and I'm sure
that's why she's late.

But the only reason we're in a big
fight is because of all of you!

That's right,
you, mom, and dad

and Danny and Smitty

or Jules,
whichever one you are,

and girl from Carrie's office

whose name I just
don't remember right now.

- Amy.
- Yeah, Amy! Wow!

I was thinking Darla.
I was way off.

But the point is, this
is all your fault, OK?

So don't judge us.
We didn't want to do this.

We're just doing this for you.

Joe, look!

Oh, damn it.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to make a pit stop
at Fleischman Toyota.

You brought my monkey.

Here's the ring.

And, uh, here's
a toast I wrote.

Listen, Doug, I heard everything
you were saying to everyone,

and I want to tell you that I'm
not doing this for any of them.

I'm doing this for us,

'cause I love you very much.

Now take the monkey,
'cause he smells.

Friends, relatives,
we are gathered here today

for the blessed renewal of the
wedding vows of Doug and Carrie.

Son of a bitch.