06x06 - Affidavit Justice

[bunniefuu]

- Good morning.
- Hey, Deac.

Didn't Doug tell you I have
my law firm picnic today?

Actually, Arthur left me a message
saying come over right away.

It's "code blue."

You know what that means?

Yeah, code blue. Could be
anything from chest pains

to "look what I made
out of paper clips."

Dad, Deacon's here!

Send him down.

Any way he can come up here?

I've never been down there.

Hey, dad, why don't you come
up here and talk to him, OK?

No can do.

This matter is
far too intimate.

If he's wearing a robe,
eyes up, OK?

Are you really gonna make me wear
this shirt to this stupid picnic?

Yes. Would you
stop complaining?

You look adorable.

I look like fruit-striped gum.

The people I work with
are gonna be there.

You need to look nice.

What was wrong with
the t-shirt I had on?

OK, not sure my bosses
need to know

that you're an official
bikini inspector.

Well, this shirt's
got a rip in it.

I just bought that.
Where?

Right here.

Be right with you, son.

Grab yourself a seat.

So, Arthur, what's going on?

Well, I was tracing
my ancestry,

and I had these documents
sent to me.

Turns out my great-grandfather
had a small farm,

and on that farm
he had some...

Chickens?
E-i-e-i-o?

No. He had--

Let's just say he had a
little help around the house.

Slaves, I tell ya.
The man had slaves.

Wow. OK. Well, um...

You know, a lot of people
had slaves back then.

But this is my family, and I
need to set things straight.

Uh, what are you doing?

I want to write you a check.

For reparations.

Why would you want to pay me?

Well, you're black,

and the only other black
people I know are on TV.

Toss a number at me.

You don't need to
pay me reparations.

You didn't do anything wrong.

My family committed
a crime against humanity,

and I'm gonna make it right!

Toss a number at me.

OK, look, how about this.

Why don't you just pay me
what you owe me from poker?

That is a separate issue!

Arthur, it's very nice that you're
so concerned about sl*very,

but as you may or may not
know, I'm already free.

So we're good.

I gotta go.

Are you sure?

I wouldn't want things
to get weird between us.

That ship has sailed.

That's dead!

dead!

And that's how I found out
I'm lactose intolerant.

That's... wild.

All right,
this next guy's a lefty!

Cover the line!
He came your way last time,

Mrs. Randolf!

On top of that,
now I'm allergic to wheat.

Oh.

And you know
how much I love bread.

Yep, that is your rep.

Oh, it looks like we're
back out in the field.

We'll pick this up
next inning.

Absolutely. OK.

Unless I'm hiding
in the porta-potty.

Did you see that catch?

Yes, I did.

You are running around
like a lunatic out there.

All right, come on.
I made my rounds, we can go.

What?

You dragged me here,
now I'm having fun.

Besides, we got a chance
of winning this thing.

Doug, nobody cares
about this thing but you.

For god's sake, the shortstop
has a full plate of chicken.

OK, see right there, that's the
difference between you and I.

When it comes to picnic softball,
you got nothing in here.

Excuse me.

While I'm up, would you
get me a plate of chicken?

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Ha ha ha! You!

Oh, my god!

Yeah!

Hey, babe, you ready
to hit El Cholo's?

Uh, yes, we will eat,

just as soon as you
apologize to Mr. Thompson.

You lured me down
here with Mexican food?

Yes. And once again,
it worked.

OK, here he comes.

Uh, Mr. Thompson,
do you have a second?

Doug, you remember Mr.
Thompson and Mr. Kaplan,

one of the senior partners.

Oh.
How you doing?

- Good to see you again.
- How's it going? Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Yeah, Doug just wanted
to apologize

for running into you
like that at the game.

Right, honey?

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I guess you won't be blocking the
plate next time, though, will you?

Oh, don't worry about it.
It's his own fault.

That's what happens when
you let a corporate lawyer

do a litigator's job.

That is funny.

Anyway, this is great.
Thank you so much.

I like the way you play, Doug.

I like your hustle.

Really?

Carrie, could you
grab us some coffee?

Doug, you want some coffee?

Sure.

Honey, you know how I like it.

Sure. Be right back,
sweetie.

You know, our firm has a team.

We play in the lawyers' league
Saturdays in the park,

and I am sick of getting
our heinies kicked.

How'd you like
to come play for us?

I'm not a lawyer.

Well, nobody has to know that.

Yeah!

You get out there,
you fudge it.

You could do that for us,
couldn't you, Doug?

Well, I do like fudge.

Excuse me, I really don't
think that's a good idea.

Oh, I think it's a great idea.

Why am I not drinking coffee?

Right.

So how would this work, now?

I just show up at the ball
field carrying a briefcase?

Oh, you're marvelous.

No. You just tell them
you're new to the firm.

We'll set you up with a phone
line here in case anybody calls.

We'll have Carrie
answer the phone.

Won't that be cute?

If I can just
offer a thought here--

You know what my thought is?
Bagels.

Onion.

- Hey.
- Hey, Carrie.

Is that Deacon?

I need a one-on-one
with you asap.

Well, what is it?

Not here.

So, slugger's wife,

you want to apologize to me
now or later with interest?

And by interest I mean...

Wah wah wah reowrrr.

Stomach cramps?

No. Sex.

And which one of us
is making that noise?

Me, when you do the wah...

Never mind.
All right, the point is

you have nothing to
worry about, all right?

Your bosses love me.

I'm gonna be their ringer,
for god sakes.

Yeah, about that--

What?

Um, look, I think you're
a great softball player.

OK, no doubt about that.

It's just this whole
pretending to be a lawyer thing.

I think we should slip the pin
back in the grenade on that one.

What are you talking about?
You don't think I should play?

No, I don't.
There's many ways

this thing could go south,
and then all of sudden

they don't love you so much,

and then they
don't love me so much.

So what you're saying
is lawyer-wise,

you don't think I have
enough convincibility.

Convincibility?

OK, you're gonna
commit to that word?

Shut up.

I can pass as a lawyer,
no problem.

Doug, look, you can pass
as a lot of things, OK?

Furnace guy, uh, roofer,
mall security,

anything in the mall,
really, but lawyer?

That's funny, 'cause
everybody at the firm

seems to think I can
handle it just fine.

They're sending me a limo
for the freakin' games,

and as I recall, they've asked
you to answer my phone!

If you don't watch your step,

you're gonna be making
your next pot of potatoes

on the unemployment line.

Not these, though.
I want these.

Take the check.

- No.
- Please.

I can't sleep.

I was tossing
and turning all night.

My sheets are
soaked with sweat.

- Feel them.
- No, that's all right.

- Feel them!
- I believe you.

Fine. I'll take
the money, OK?

Thank you.

Huh. $ .

I think that's a fair number.

It's a little random.

I mean, how'd you
come up with that?

Simple. There were
slaves on the farm,

but my great-grandfather
only owned half the farm.

Of his ,
lived in the house.

Let's face it.
That's a sweet deal.

Doug, we're gonna be
at the game in minutes.

Focus.

Where did you
go to law school?

Excuse me. Ahem.

Jeremy? Doug
from the back again.

Yeah, listen.

Could you goose up
the heat a bit?

I'm a little tight.

Thank you.

You, go.

Where did you
go to law school?

I didn't.
I was homeschooled.

Doug, come on! You said you'd
let me coach you through this.

All right, fine.
If anybody asks,

I'll just say
I went to Stamford.

I'm sorry. Did you just say
"Stamford" with an "m"?

Yeah.
Stamford law school.

OK, the school you're thinking
of is Stanford, with an "n."

No. It's Stamford.

I know.
I delivered there.

I've seen the sign.

OK, dumb-ass, you're thinking
of Stamford, Connecticut, OK?

Stanford law school
is in California.

You know what?

I don't like all this
negativity before a game.

It's disco time.

How long you been
at Kaplan Hornstein?

Actually, I, uh, just started.

Where were you before that?

I was over at Carson...
Daly... and Leibowitz.

Doug Heffernan's office.

No, Doug.
No messages.

So, the bailiff walks in,
and he's like, "all rise."

I'm like, "you know what?

I don't feel
like rising today."

And I didn't.

You're crazy, Heffernan.

You know me.
I don't care.

Doug Heffernan's office.

Not loving the way
you're answering my phone.

I'm busy.

I'm just saying you could
be a little friendlier.

"Good afternoon, and thank you

"for calling
Mr. Heffernan's office.

How may I assist you today?"

What do you want?

Just checking to see
if I got any messages.

For the th time,
no messages.

Not a whole lot of people
looking for a fake lawyer.

Honey, your other line
is ringing.

Be charming. Use the good
greeting. "Good afternoon" --

Doug Heffernan's office.

Uh, no, he's not in.

Could you hold on
for one second, sir?

Thanks so much.

I gotta call you back.

Wait. Who is it?

Gary Rogers from
Epstein & Epstein.

He's calling to congratulate you
on a great game on Saturday.

Really?
Patch me through.

No, I'm not going
to patch you through.

He's a senior partner.

I can handle it. Do your
job, and you patch me through.

Fine, but just
take the compliment,

say "Thank you", and hang up
as fast as you can.

Oh, thanks for
joining us, Doug.

Oh, thanks for calling me.

Nothing like a good mar-tooni
after a tough day at...

Law.

I hear that.

It does get to be a grind.

Yes, it do, but...

I wouldn't trade it for
anything in the world.

Oh, you love your work, huh?

I do. I really do.

In a lot of ways,
uh-ahem--

being a lawyer, which I think
we can agree we all are...

Is a lot like, uh,
being a package delivery guy.

How so, Doug?

Oh, uh, well, you...
knock on doors,

and you hope you
don't get bit by a dog.

Sounds like you've been in
front of judge Farnsworth.

Good old Farnsworth.

Hey, Farnsie!

Oh, anyway, Doug,
let me cut to the chase.

We want to know
if you have any interest

in coming over to Epstein,
Epstein, Rogers & Wolf.

To do what?

I don't know.
Corporate litigation?

We'll find a place for you,

as long as you bring that
big bat of yours with you.

So, what's Kaplan
paying you over there?

Oh, I-I get the going rate...

And an extra $
for each conviction.

Well, I'm prepared to
offer you a base of , .

What do you say?

Hey, guys.

Why are you wearing a suit?

What'd you do?

Nothing. Just had a little
power lunch with the boys

over at Epstein,
Epstein, Rogers and...

- Wolf?
- Bingo.

You had lunch with them?

I told you just to say
thank you and hang up!

To which I responded,
"I carry my own Kn*fe."

Well, what the hell
did you talk about?

Well, first,
we talked about our kids--

by the way,
if it comes up, we have .

And then--

well, then
they offered me a job.

What?

Don't worry.
I'll bring you over with me,

you know, once I get settled.

You took the job?

Well, not yet,
but I'm mulling it over.

Congratulations, Douglas.

He's not a lawyer.

You're not a lawyer.

Really? Why
don't you tell that

to the firms
currently wooing me?

My god.
Are you insane?

The man just made lawyer.

Why do you have
to piss all over it?

I'll tell you why.
'Cause that's what she does.

As far as I'm concerned,
if they hire him as a lawyer,

he's a lawyer.

When I got hired as
a school psychologist,

do you think I knew the
first thing about it?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, thank you
very much, dad.

Could you-what?
Could you move this crap?

What is this?

That's my ancestry report.

This isn't even for you.

This is for Arthur Spinner.

Deacon, thank you for the
ride to the senior center.

You drive wonderfully.

You're welcome,
and by the way,

with that money you gave me,

I put some sweet new
speakers in my car.

Here. Check it out.

Marvelous. Very rhythmic.

That being said,
you'll have to return them.

What?

I got the wrong
ancestry report.

My family were
actually Irish gypsies.

We never owned slaves.
We were drunken thieves.

So?

So I want my money back.

Look, you forced me to take
the money in the first place.

I bought speakers.
They're now part of my car.

I'm not giving you
your money back.

- Well, I think you are!
- Oh, I think I'm not!

Damn it, man! You took those
reparations under false pretenses.

No, I took those reparations to get
the hell out of your basement.

Look, Arthur,

I'd give you your money
back if I could,

but I'm sorry. I just don't
have the cash right now.

Well, what about this?

In lieu of cash,
maybe you can pay me back

in some type of... services.

Huh?

You know, help out
around the house.

Perhaps...

Work the yard a bit.

You want me to be your sl*ve?

It's not my first choice,

but it would get us
out of this mess.

Hey. Did you talk to Rogers?

Did you tell him no yet?

No, I haven't
talked to him yet.

I'm still mulling.

And you're still not a lawyer.

I'd be an awesome lawyer.

Oh!

Oh, god!

Oh, that is not good!

Boy, they sure yanked that
limo pretty quick, huh?

Shamahama!