06x09 - Thanks Man

[bunniefuu]

OK, all basted and ready
for the home stretch.

Why didn't you
just open the oven

before you picked up
the Turkey?

OK, you know what?
Now that you're here,

why don't you open the oven

before I dump hot Turkey
juice all over your privates?!

I do believe someone's
flirtin' with me.

OK. Thank you.

All right.
Well, that's it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

those yams are not
gonna candy themselves.

Wow, this is amazing.

You're cookin' a meal,

and there's no
smoke alarms goin' off,

no dogs howlin' in the alley.

I know! I'm just
as surprised as you are!

Can you believe that I'm
actually gonna pull off

a home-cooked Thanksgiving
dinner for people?

I mean, that beats
my previous record by...

!

Oh, gravy's done.

Oh, sweet!

Off, off, off!

Sorry. I heard a bell.
I'm like a fighter that way.

So what can I have?

You can eat anything
over here, all right?

Just get something
out of the refrigerator.

So any word
from your dad upstate?

Yes, um... apparently he had
a fight with his cousin-in-law,

and they have to eat
Thanksgiving dinner in shifts.

It's gonna be weird having our
Thanksgiving without him, right?

Yeah, I'm really
gonna miss the sight

of a -course meal gettin'
caught in the man's mustache.

Ah, leftover pizza,

just under
the -day limit.

Wait, whoa. What
are you doing? No.

Gonna reheat pizza.

The broccoli
is cooking in there.

So? Can't I grab a ride
for seconds?

No! Then the broccoli's
gonna taste like pepperoni!

First, leave.

Second, set the table.

You think you can manage that?

What's this?

The silver place settings

your parents gave us
for our wedding.

Why is it in this?

Am I taking them on vacation?

You're k*lling me here.

Please, just go.

I'm gonna go get some
sodas out of the garage.

Oh, wow.

I'm eatin' with this one.

Hello.

Finally, somebody home.
Hey, sorry to bother you.

Any way I could
use your phone?

Uh... what's up?

My car d*ed a couple
blocks from here.

Engine seized up.

That's rough. I mean,
I'm not much of a car guy,

but I know when I seize up,
I not feel so good.

Sure, come on in.
Thanks, man.

It's gettin' cold out there.

I picked the wrong day
to lose my chapstick.

Oh, been there.

That's why I keep mine

in the little pocket
above the big pocket.

That's for chapstick.

A lot of people
don't know that.

Phone's right there.

Thanks.

Whoa! Hello.

And you are?

That guy said
I could use the phone.

Oh, OK.

Doug? What is a man
with an eye patch

doing in our kitchen?

His car broke down.

And you just let him in here?

Yeah, he was stranded.

What do you expect me to do?

Have you ever
met this man before?

No.

And have you seen this "car"
that supposedly broke down?

No.

Could you offer me
any assurance

that we're not about to die?

Will you relax?
It's fine.

I let people in here
all the time.

Oh! OK,
that's a relief.

Excuse me, what's
your address here?

Oh, it's Aberdeen.

Thanks.

Ow!

You don't just give
a stranger our address.

It's on the door!

It's not like I gave him
my pin number.

Actually, I do use that
as my pin number.

You know what?
Just get rid of him, OK?

OK, my buddy's
coming to pick me up.

Uh, there's a diner
on the corner.

Why don't you wait for
your buddy over there, OK?

It's closed.

Everything around here's
closed.

You mind if I wait here?

Sure.

I mean, outside,
if you don't mind.

OK.

Inside would be fine normally,

but we're gettin' ready
for company,

and we're gonna be vacuuming.

It's gonna be
real noisy in here.

I think you'll like it
better out here.

So just make yourself
comfortable,

although I'd avoid that chair

unless you like getting poked
by something cold and rusty.

Right.

So how long
till your buddy gets here?

Uh, well, he's coming
from Baltimore,

so I guess about hours.

OK, then.

OK, here she is!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Yoo-hoo!

Hello! Hi!

Right.

Well, I got mine.

What are the rest
of you havin'?

All right, let me carve
this bad boy up.

OK, in the meantime,
everybody serve yourselves.

I got some stuffing...

All right.

And some sweet potatoes.

You got that?

And some fresh green beans.

Son of an ass!

Obviously not a bean guy.

No, he's watching the
football game on his little TV.

The man has
a serious gambling problem.

Well, as long as he's
having a good time.

OK, everybody, in the
meantime, here you go.

Come on. Scoop and pass.
Scoop and pass!

Let's go. Move it along.

Wow, he looks cold.

They say it's gonna
get below tonight,

not counting windchill.

Is that man
going to freeze, daddy?

I don't know, son.

No! Don't worry.

I noticed when he came inside,

he had a whole thermal thing
underneath his clothes.

He's actually warmer out there
than we are in here.

Carve.

OK, so enough about him.

Let's enjoy each other's
company, shall we?

Yeah. Hey, let's
change the subject.

Um, anyone seen the new
wim wenders film?

Well, it's better than
talking about that guy.

Man, he give me the creeps.

Really? I kind of think
he's cute.

What?!

Yeah, when I came in, I saw
that he has a nice smile,

and his eye is so blue.

Hey, anyone see the
Thanksgiving parade this morning?

See that rockette?

She took a nosedive right
off the side of the float.

So funny.

I didn't see it.

I couldn't stop laughing.

Hey, try the stuffing.
No raisins.

What?

Fix this.
Fix what?

OK, in case you
haven't noticed, idiot,

everybody's obsessed with
your porch pal out there.

Nobody's eating.
It's completely awkward.

What do you want me to do?

The guy's waiting
for his buddy to pick him up,

he's got nowhere else to go.

The only other option is
to let him wait inside here.

Inside? Are you really
that stupid?

Stupid with kindness.

Doug, please, just
close the curtains then.

I'm not doing that.
It's rude.

Rude? OK, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm not up to speed
on the rules of etiquette

involving
one-eyed porch psychos.

Now, look, I worked my ass off

to make a nice
Thanksgiving meal,

and I want people to enjoy it,

so you're gonna
march in there,

you're gonna
close the curtains,

and then you're gonna
make a funny joke

to get everybody in
a good mood again, OK?

Now go!

Fine, but for the record,

you're way scarier
than patchy.

Hey, how's it goin'?

It's just a little bright
in here.

Gonna close the curtains.

Here we go.

All right.

OK, that's good.

Ahem, here we are.

Might as well
get this one, too.

Sure.

All right! Who wants
some Turkey now?

Show of drumsticks, huh?

Everything is so delicious, Carrie.

It's so good.

Yeah, and free.

Yes, but tipping
is appreciated.

Pass me the broccoli, please.

What a wonderfully awkward
Thanksgiving you've created.

Major! Major, get back to the table!

Please do something
about your son.

He just wants to look
at the freak outside.

We all do.

Just get him back here.

Major, you heard your mother.

Major!

I just wanted to see
if the pirate is dead.

He's not a pirate,
and he's not dead.

Is he?

OK, who's ready for a second
round of stuffing? Lou?

Look, it's not my place
to say this,

but have you considered
letting that man

wait inside the house?

Inside the house.

Huh. What a kind
and generous thought.

We don't think
it's a good idea, Lou.

Why not?

Well, because we've
never met this man before.

For all we know, he
could be an a* m*rder*r.

Who needs another roll?

I will take one,

and I'll tell you something.

I agree with you, sister.

You work in the subway,

you see a lot of sickos,

and this guy has my
spidey-sense tingling.

Really?

He doesn't seem
like a sicko at all to me,

and I've known
my share of sickos.

I still keep in touch
with some of them.

Well, Holly, you make
a persuasive case. You do.

Um, but we're still
not gonna let him in.

Oh! You fumblin' bitch!

Sorry.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Listen, Car,
for what it's worth,

I wouldn't let a
raggedy-looking stranger

in my house on Thanksgiving.

Thank you. See?
It's not just me.

Lou and Holly,
they agree with me.

Deac, what about you?

I mean, you'd be OK
letting this guy in, right?

Well, if he was
a brother I would,

but not this dude.

Isn't that
just a form of racism?

Look, I'm just looking
at the facts.

Black dude
might steal your wallet,

but the psychos
who chop up families?

All white boys.

Honkies! Yes!

All right,
the bottom line here is,

I assume the best
about people,

you assume the worst.

You build walls,
I build Bridges.

You couldn't build a TV stand.

The instructions
were in Japanese.

Face it, Doug, you're
way off on this one.

I mean, did you
get a look at this guy?

I mean, the way he's
dressed and the eye patch?

What the hell does his eye
patch have to do with anything?

Maybe a m*ssile was headed
for an elementary school,

and he threw his eye
in the way!

It was like, zzz! "Aah!"

Man's a hero.

I'm just saying a normal
guy who loses an eye,

he doesn't go with a patch.

I mean, a glass eye, maybe,

or a pair
of dark ray-bans.

I mean, you don't see
ray Charles walking around

wearing an eye patch, do you?

Actually, he would
need eye patches.

That's a bad look right there.

Think about who wears
an eye patch--

captain hook,

the villain from
the James Bond movie--

all bad guys.

What about bazooka Joe?

Bazooka Joe.
Couldn't be nicer.

Please! Have you read
those comics?

He's very sarcastic.

All right, come on, you guys.

This has nothing to do
with the guy's eye patch.

OK, maybe he is a nice guy

who got a m*ssile
in the eye, all right?

But maybe he's not!

And if there's a % chance that
he could be a demented k*ller,

why should we take the risk?

The guy is freezing
out there, all right?

You want the headline
in the post to read tomorrow,

"man dies on porch of
happy Thanksgiving dinner"?

How about this for a headline?

" people carved in
Thanksgiving m*ssacre."

I mean, it writes itself!

Oh, God, do you
think he heard us?

Even so, how would he know
we were talking about him?

Maybe the fact that we said
"eye patch" about times.

What are you-
what are you doing?!

I'm gonna see
what he wants, OK?

It's a little late
to pretend we're not home.

All right, well, keep
the chain on the door.

Yeah, cause' no one can
get through one of these.

Yeah?

Hey, uh, any chance
I could use your bathroom?

Oh, yeah, sure, no problem.

One second, please.
I'm in my bra.

OK, this is
where I draw the line, OK?

I'm not gonna insult
the man's dignity

by making him take a pee
in our bushes!

Why not? You do.

Not in the front!

I'm lettin' him in.

OK, but wait a minute.

You follow him upstairs,

he goes to the bathroom,

and then he's right back
outside, OK?

All right, everybody,
keep eating, look normal.

Hey, man, come on in.

Sorry about that.

Hey, you got a nice
little setup there, huh?

Just sittin' there, watchin'
the pretty girls walk by?

It's at the top of the stairs.

Great.

What are you, blind?!

Uh... football referee's...

Blind.

I like your coat.

I like your pants.
I'm Holly. Hi!

Hi.

OK. Go. Go!

Deac, you go, too.
Check on him.

OK, OK.

What's he doin'?

Number one.

Jeez, what'd he have,
a big gulp?

Now he's washin' his hands.
How many psycho K*llers you know

wash their hands
after they pee?

Couldn't tell you.

He's comin'.

Uh, there. How's that?

Is that any better?

Uh, up a little on the left.

All right, there you go.

Now, stop worryin'
about our pictures

and enjoy your dinner already.

Well, now I can.

Well, thanks a lot.

Sorry to disturb your dinner.

What? No,
no, no, no.

Hey, mister. Mister.

Major?
Why do you

have to be outside?
Are you a pirate?

Yes. Yes,
I am a pirate.

I just came ashore for a
few days to fix my ship.

Can you fix my game boy?

Major, leave the man alone. He's...

Busy.

Let me see.

Oh, you might
just need to poke

the little reset button
with somethin' sharp.

Ca--

there you go.
Good as new.

Thanks.

OK. Well, I guess
I'll go back out there.

All right, this is ridiculous.

The guy's obviously harmless.

You don't know that.

He just fixed a child's game boy
and washed his hands after making.

How much proof do we need?!

Hey, no amount of proof
is gonna change my gut

tellin' me
this guy isn't right.

Oh, will you knock it off?

It's not this guy
you're scared of.

It's the whole world!

That's why the subway's
a perfect job for you.

You can hide in your
little glass booth all day.

Do they even need
you, by the way,

with the whole
Metro card thing?

Shut up.
Shut up!

What are you doin'?

You know what? If we're
not letting him in here,

I'm goin' out there.

That's what happened

on the first Thanksgiving.
The pilgrims

didn't know the
Indians, but they decided

to trust them
and bring them food.

Yes, and then
the Indians scalped them.

I think you both have
the story pretty wrong.

You know what?
The point is,

sometimes you gotta
do the right thing,

and that's exactly what I'm doin'
the right thing.

And I don't care if
I have to do it alone!

Deac, could you, uh, help
me with the door handles?

Thank you!

Do you want to just
grab my jacket? Oh.

Yeah.

Thank you!

You know what?
I agree with Doug.

I mean, it really is
the right thing to do,

and I think when you
have a chance to do...

To do the right thing,
you should do it. You know?

'Cause at the end of the day,

the, uh...
The right thing...

Is right. OK.

I'm just gonna...

Take this wine with me, too.

We wanna go, too, mama!

Yeah! We wanna eat
with the pirate!

No.
Absolutely not.

Dad, can we?

Um... look,
maybe it's all right.

That man could be dangerous!

I know, but they're
just gonna keep nagging.

Deacon, that's not
a good enough reason.

You know, maybe we should
take them out there. OK?

I mean, look, do you want 'em to
grow up to be afraid of the world?

They could end up
like... like...

Uhh...

OK, coats and mittens.

Yay!
Yay!

All right. But if you guys go outside,

you can say good-bye to
desserts. I'm serious.

They're right.

All of them. I...

I am afraid of the world.

I sit behind my
bulletproof glass every day,

all day, and...
My only thought is...

God, I hope the glass
really is bulletproof.

Well, I'm through
living in fear!

I'm going out there, damn it!

You're... coming,
too, right, Lou?

I have to follow my heart.

Yeah. Follow your
friggin' heart, Lou.

Oh, come on, baby!
Go! Go, go, go!

No one to b*at
but the kicker! Go!

Oh, my God!

How do you get tackled
by a guy from Sweden?!

Ohhh! God!

Where is everybody?

Ahh, don't worry about
them. It's just you and me,

Danny boy. What do you need? Stuffing?

Uh... broccoli?

Nah. Just lost a fortune.

Need some air.

I can't believe that.

Live and learn, huh? Yeah.

Uh, I... I haven't
seen 'em for years.

Um... hi.

I just wanted to tell
you, Mr. Stranger...

That I was the,
uh, the main person

who didn't want you
to come in tonight.

I guess I've just never
been a... a trusting person.

I'm one of those
few people who, um...

Actually uses
the ATM rearview mirror.

Anyway...

In the true spirit
of Thanksgiving,

I'd like to invite you
inside with us.

For the rest of our
dinner, if you'd like.

Well, I... I don't,
uh... know what to say.

I mean... before
any of you came out,

I was thinkin' about
how nice you people were...

Just to let a perfect stranger
use your phone and your bathroom

and to wait out here
on your porch?

I certainly never
expected any of this.

I - I'd just love to
make a toast to you...

A Thanksgiving toast.

That'd be great.

Absolutely.
Yeah.

Whoops. There's my
buddy's car right now,

stoppin' at
that traffic light.

I recognize the bad paint job.

Uh, we got a long drive,

so if I could just use
your bathroom one more time,

then I'll make my toast
and be on my way?

Oh. Absolutely.
Sure.

I'll get the wine
poured in the meantime.

Can I have some wine?

Sure you can...
In about years.

See? Turns out
he's a great guy.

And you want to hear
the kicker? Jets fan. Oh.

Hey, Holly, did you
get his number yet?

Uh, no, not yet, but
when he comes back out,

if you all could just talk
amongst yourselves... ohhh...

You bad girl.

All I can say...
This has

turned out to be one of
the nicest thanksgivings

I've ever had.

Ohhh...
Ohhh...

Hey, here comes his friend.

The guy caught a break.

There's a parking
space right in front.

Crap!

He got our silverware, our stereo,

her purse, her purse,
and his little TV.

Told you he wouldn't k*ll us.

I will wait for you.
I promise.

But in the meantime, um...

Can I get my purse back?