06x12 - Dougie Houser

[bunniefuu]

Yes, the billo miracle saw has
the power to cut down this tree,

and yet it's precise enough

to make your own homemade
Jigsaw puzzles.

And if you call
within the next minutes,

we'll send you this pair
of miracle safety goggles free.

What are you doing?

Quiet.

The miracle safety goggle
clock is tickin'.

Doug, what are you
gonna do with a chain saw?

What am I not gonna do?

OK, you know what?
If you buy this chain saw,

I know for a fact I will be
bringing your thumb to the hospital

in a ziploc bag.

I'm on hold. Crap.

I just saw an ad
for a miracle chain saw.

I need to borrow some plastic.

Already ordering one.

Make it .

I think one's enough.

Sure, until we both need

to chain saw something
at the same time.

Use your head.

All right. How about this
for a compromise?

Nobody gets a chain saw, ever.

But I'm tired of
throwing my money away

on store-bought
Jigsaw puzzles.

Yeah, and by the way,
you can't just tell me no.

Uh, yes, I can.

Uh, no, you can't.

Uh, yeah, I can.
We made that deal, remember?

What, that you can
just say no and--

and have control
over my entire life

and I got no say whatsoever?

Yeah.

When did I agree to that?

years ago
when we bought this house.

Oh, right.

And this is
the master bedroom.

His and her closets

so you don't have to deal
with his mess.

Oh.
Mmm.

I, uh, take it
you two are newlyweds?

Yeah, months.

And we're still
into each other.

Anyway, um...

Plenty of outlets, um,

and cable hookup's
right there.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I don't believe
in TV in the bedroom.

Really, honey?

No. From the moment
we walk in that door,

it's about you,
me, and sharing.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Oh!
What's the matter?

Your mustache.
It tickles.

Oh, does it?
Yeah.

Well, here comes some more!

Stop!

Ah. You're next, Nancy.

So what do you think, sweetie?

Oh. I love
the finished basement.

Oh, crap, honey.

They're really
into this house.

Come on.

Dine-in kitchen.
Nice.

And we could put stools
at the counter

and eat our--

our, um--

how you doin'?

Hello.

Can I help you?

Oh. No.

Nice place.

Yeah.

Just the smell of
the upstairs bedroom...

And the neighbors,
right? Ooh!

What's wrong
with the neighbors?

They're skinheads.

Really?

Yeah, the whole family.
Even the grandmother.

I - I just saw her
outside watering plants.

She seemed very sweet.

She tried to sell me cr*ck.
That's all I'm sayin'.

Hey, great. Well,
what's the address?

Uh-huh. All right.
Well, we'll meet there.

OK, thanks. Bye.

Hey, baby.
Who was that?

Oh, it's
our real estate agent.

There's another house
she wants us to see.

Oh, OK. Well,

I don't think we're gonna
top the one we already saw--

great price,
great neighborhood.

I know,
and that basement--

it's perfect for my home gym.

I got my free weights on one side,

all my cardio on the other.

Well, don't
get too ripped, OK?

I like a little somethin'
I can grab onto.

I can't make that promise.

Mm-hmm.

That is the table I eat on.

Hi, dad.
Hey, Arthur.

Look, when I told you kids
you could stay with me

after you gave up
the apartment,

I was glad to help out.

But for God's sake,
it's been days.

Yes, we know, and we
may have found a place.

Good. Now hit me
with a Martini.

You got it.

How was your day?

Let's just say being a
decorative ribbon salesman

isn't as glamorous
as it used to be.

Why? You didn't get
the winemaker's account?

Nope. They decided
to go high-tech

with elastic box bands.

Oh. Here you go.

Thanks.

If I could close
one big account,

I'd be on easy street.

No more trips
to hick towns upstate.

No more evenings locked in the
fleshy arms of some spinster

just so she'll buy spools
for her card shop.

Ahh.

And once again, I'm alive.

How you doin'? We're
here to see the house.

Are you the Heffernans?

Yes. I mean, uh...

I am, he's-he's not.

I'm the Heffernan. My wife-my
wife's meetin' us here.

Great. They're actually
selling the place furnished.

Take a look around.
I'll be right in.

Sweet mama, I'm home.

Pretty cool, man.
Hey, look at this.

Sunken living room.

Or you bring in a hose.
Boom! Indoor pool!

How great are these stairs?!

Hey, check it out.
There's an intercom.

Oh, really?

Yeah.
Oh.

Uh, breaker, breaker, Carrie,

big daddy's home. Why
don't you go get yourself...

Naked?

I'll have better stuff.
I love this place!

Shh, shh, shh. Hey, you
don't want him to know

how much you love the place.

He might Jack the price up.

Right. I gotcha.
OK, good.

So what do you think?

It's got great flow, huh?

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
You know what?

So does a tea bag, though,
and I don't wanna live in one.

And I gotta tell ya, I'm not
really lovin' the neighborhood.

Actually, this is
a very desirable area.

Right across the street, there's
an excellent elementary school.

Gee, I'm not sure
what you're implying,

but I already been
to elementary school.

What's this right here?

Oh, that's the dumbwaiter.

You can send food
right up to the bedroom.

I desperately want this house.

Well, great.

Is there any way we can
close the deal by Saturday?

'Cause I'd really
love to barbecue.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, honey, hi.

What, are you buyin' a house?

Not a house, the house!

Can't you just see us
growin' old here, huh?

Um, can I talk to you
for a second over here?

Sure you don't wanna
join me in the love glove?

No. No,
I don't think I do.

You know what? I-I think
I'm gonna roll.

I'll see you later, brainiac.

Um...

Do you mind? Could we
have a minute, please?

Sure. Take
all the time you need.

Thank you.

What's the matter,
you don't like the place?

Um, well, it is groovy.
I will give you that.

But, uh, I thought we both
loved the other house.

The place was OK. But this
place has got much better flow.

Not to mention the intercom,

the spiral staircase,
the dumbwaiter,

and she comes furnished!

Um, honey, I love you,

and I love when you
get excited about things

like a house or a new cereal,

but, um...

This is a really important
decision we're making here.

I know it is.

The other house
was so perfect for us.

I mean, it had
the room we needed.

It was in
a quiet neighborhood.

It was close to your work.

I mean, this house is--

it's fun, but
it's just not practical.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

OK, let me paint
a picture for ya.

We're in that other house.
You're in bed.

You're in the mood
for pork chops.

Both your legs are broken.

OK.

Now coincidentally, I'm down in
the kitchen frying pork chops.

The smell wafts up to you,
and you shout down to me.

But I can't hear you 'cause
we don't have an intercom.

Now it turns out
I'm a nice guy,

and I wanna get you
those pork chops.

So I go to send 'em up
in the dumbwaiter.

But we don't have one.

So I walk the pork chops to
ya, but the house has no flow,

and I wind up in the basement

and you starve to death.

OK, here's the thing - I mean, we
could talk about this all night,

but the other couple is gonna
make an offer on that house,

and I don't wanna lose it
because of a dumbwaiter.

OK, maybe you don't
understand what we have here.

This is a private elevator
for pork.

Yes, and I appreciate that.
But come on, honey.

This house is across
the street from a school.

Do you know how noisy
that's gonna be?

Carrie, listen to me. Meat
goin' up, bones comin' down.

And then what about
when we have a baby?

You wanna carry a baby up
and down the spiral staircase?

Again, dumbwaiter!

Baby goes up, baby come down.

All right.
Would you stop?

Now look, we are gonna
buy that other house,

and we're gonna be very happy,

and if you can't survive

without pork chops being
hoisted up to the bedroom,

then we'll string a bucket
outside the window for you, OK?

Good.
I'm glad that's settled.

And shave that mustache off

'cause you look
like a motorcycle cop.

Hey, homeslice.

What are you doin'?

Aw, nothin'.
Just, uh...

Shavin' the 'stache.

Losin'
the 'stache. Wow.

Yeah, I was thinkin'
it's a little too, uh...

Motorcycle cop.

Really? 'Cause to me,
it was more

out-of-shape p*rn star.
You know.

So what's up with the house
with the dumbwaiter?

Oh, we're, uh, actually making
an offer on another house.

Heh heh heh.
She b*at you down, huh?

No. We had a discussion,

and she made a lot
of very good points.

This house is better.
You know, it's roomy.

It's close to here. On a nice
day, I can actually walk to work.

Heh, walk to work. You don't
even like to walk at work.

Admit it, man.
She b*at you down.

Ain't no shame here, baby.

She didn't b*at me down, OK?

I want that house, and I
wanna shave my mustache,

and we're not
getting a dog anymore.

We're gettin' a kitten
'cause I think cats are fun.

Oh, my God.
What am I saying?

Cats are brutal!

And I want my mustache back.

Oh, my God.
Here's a little.

Doug,
it's-it's gone.

Oh, my-what am I doin'?
What's goin' on here?

I mean, everything was
goin' so great with Carrie.

She's always been
so sweet and fun,

and now all of a sudden,
she's, like rrrarrgh!

Oh, yeah, yeah, I got that one

on my honeymoon.
Heh heh!

Man, if Carrie's
like this now,

what's she gonna be
like years from now?

Something to think about.

years from now.

That's, like, .

Don't be late tonight, OK?

Remember, we have to go to the ballet.

Actually, tonight I was think
about watching the Knick game.

Rrrarrgh!

Good point.

All right. I gotta
get going to work.

All right. And pick up your blue suit

from the dry cleaners, OK?

I gotta wear a suit?

Yes, a suit, and your
uncomfortable shoes.

All right, fine.
I'll see you later.

OK.

And pick me up
a loaf of bread!

You know what?

This mustache is staying.

Actually,
it's half a mustache.

Still staying.

Darling, the tide has
turned for Arthur Spooner

in the ribbon game.
With any luck,

this will be my best year

since the hostage crisis.

Great, dad.
Well, what happened?

I realized, "why do I
need big department stores

when I can go
directly to the people?"

Think about it. Who wears
ribbons in their hair?

Little girls.

And where do you find
little girls?

In the schoolyard.

Oh, boy.

It worked like a charm.

I'd beckon a little girl
off the swings

with the promise
of a candy treat,

and then I present her

with a beautiful
faux velvet ribbon.

They ran off
screaming, "mommy!"

They couldn't wait
to tell their mother

about their encounter
with the ribbon man.

Dad, you can't do that.

Sure, I can.

And after a nice snack,

I'm gonna hit the
parochial schools.

No, you won't!

You can't tell me what to do.

I am doing it, OK?

Now look, I gotta go
meet Doug at the house

to sign some papers.
You stay right there

until I get back. Oh, and
come here. You have something

on your thing.
OK, good.

Hey, hey!
These are mine now!

You can't take my
candy treats! I did it!

I'll get more!

And I took your car keys, too!

Damn.
Needless to say,

you're dead to me!

OK. This just confirms

that you're asking for
an -day inspection period

and days
to secure your loan.

Why don't you look that over?

I'll go grab
the termite report.

OK, thanks.

Wassup?

Hey, babe. We got a
million papers to sign here.

I want you to start
working on these.

All righty. Hmm.

Uh, babe? I think
you missed a spot.

No, don't think I did.
I'm starting a new trend.

I'm either gonna
call it half-stache

or upper lip surprise.

Doug, what's going on?

What's going on?
I'll tell you what.

I was standing there shaving my
mustache like you ordered me to,

when halfway through the
job Doug Heffernan showed up

and said, "what are
you doing, ass?!"

OK. You want to
keep the mustache?

Keep the mustache.
It looks great.

No, it's not just stopping
with the mustache, OK?

I want that other house.

Wha-Doug, come on! We've
already discussed this.

Now we're here to sign papers

and make an offer
on this house.

No, we didn't discuss it.
You steamrolled me,

and I'm not signing anything

until we talk
about it for real.

All right, fine. You
want to talk about it?

Let's talk about it.
Tell me why

we should buy that other house

without using
the words pork chops

or dumbwaiter.

You know that's impossible!

Then this discussion is over.

OK, fine! You know what?

Let's just go with the
house you want, all right?

Hey, and you know what?
Here's a great idea.

You told me once
you liked the name Mike.

So from now on,
my name's Mike.

All right?
Oh, yeah, right.

You know what? I
should shave my mustache.

All right, here we go.

What the heck?
You know what?

Why stop at the face, huh?

How about in here? Yeah!

Am I hairless enough for you?

Smooth Mike! That's
what they're gonna call me!

Nipple!

Doug, come on.

You just have to trust me.

I just know that I'm
right about this house.

All right, fine.

You know, I don't even
know what to say anymore.

I just thought
when we got married,

you know, we were
like partners.

And you would
respect my opinion

or at least pretend to.

I don't want to fight.
All right? I love you.

OK? I don't care
where we live

as long as we're together.

Let's just do this.

No, stop, stop.

What?

Look...

Doug, I'm just
I'm so used to being bossy,

you know, with my dad, and...

I don't want to be
like that with you.

You're a smart guy,
and I love you.

You know what? I want you to pick out

the house that we buy.

Really?

Yeah.

Ohh.

Carrie, we're gonna
have a great life.

Doug, food's here!

Sorry it took so long.

There's like school
buses down there.

God, that would make me nuts.

Would it?

Dad! Get away
from those little girls!

Oh, God.

Ohh! It's OK.
Just a rug burn.

Unh! We gotta remember
to cone this area off.

All right. Can we just eat
up in the bedroom, please?

It's much quieter up there.

Yeah, no problem. Hey, we'll
just use the dumbwaiter.

All right. Here we go.

It's perfect.
A couple of iced teas

for my new bride.
All right!

Here we are.

Oh, yeah!

She's moving!
She's moving!

Oh, we are eating in no time!

Eating in no time!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is great.

We're gonna need
a tiny cleaning lady.

Oh, no, no, no!
Don't cry!

I promise. Every big decision
from now on you'll make.

You think?

That's how I learned that little girls

are made of sugar and spice...

And lies!

It worked out fine. I
mean, we got our house.

Yeah. After months
and an extra $ , .

Uh-huh, mm-hmm.

Oh! Finally.

Uh, yeah. I'd like
to place an order

for the miracle chain saw.

Doug!
What?

We said you'd make all
the major decisions.

This is just a chain saw.

Ugh! Fine.

Uh, you can forget
about the saw,

but I'd like to order pairs

of the miracle
safety goggles. Yeah!

Hey. Did you
bring my bread?

Here you go.

Oh.

This is rye.
I asked for whole wheat.