01x03 - The Club

[bunniefuu]

ADULT DEAN: Teaching us kids

about male/female relationships
wasn't something

that was on grown folks' agenda
in the ' s.

Kids were to be seen and not heard.

Especially at the
"Blue Light Special" parties

my parents had been throwing
since they were all

"on the yard" together at Tuskegee A&M.

- [Leon Gibson's "Do the Roller" plays]
- [Cheering]

♪

♪ Come on, everybody ♪

♪ Let's do the Roller ♪

♪ I've got it ♪

♪ You get it ♪

Hey, Bruce! I'm empty!

ADULT DEAN: My brother, Bruce,
being the oldest,

was given certain tasks.

♪ Do you like it? ♪

♪ I like it ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Let's do the Roller ♪

♪ Baby, do the Roller ♪

Unh-unh. What do you think you're doing?

I just want to see what's going on.

Girl, stop being fast
and get back to your room.

- But Bruce...
- But nothing.

If you don't get back in
that house right now...

Ugh.

- Ooh, now that girl thinks she grown, huh?
- [Door slams]

Mm-hmm. She gets it from her grandmama.

Ah. And not her mama?

[Both chuckle]

ADULT DEAN: Who needed sexy dancing

when you have baseball cards?

I can't wait to be old enough
to know what they do out there.

Why? They're grownups.

They don't know what real fun is.

♪ Come on, baby ♪

Whoa.

Manager cards.

Ugh!

DEAN: Okay, Cory, if you trade
Brad your Jim Fregosi,

Brad can trade Sam his Bill Freeman,

and I'll just take
this Hank Aaron, I guess.

I think we have a deal here, fellas.

Wait, who are you giving up?

Well, I really don't want to do this,

but I guess I can get rid of
my Bert Campaneris.

Who's Bert Campaneris?

Who's Bert Campaneris? [Chuckles]

Only the utility infielder
for the Oakland A's

that hit . with four doubles

and six hit by pitches last season.

I don't know, man.

My mom told me not to
trade with you anymore

after you took that
Willie Mays card off my hand

because he "ruined it" by signing it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Am I trading with Cory or Cory's mom?

Do you ask your mom
to cut your steak, too?

Well, yeah, actually.

She does it the best.

I'll take the Bert Campaneris.

Finally. Someone who's his own man.

Now, let's see, who do I want in return?

Carl Yes-sturm-ski?

That's a weird name.

Guess I could take this one
off your hands.

ADULT DEAN: The next day,
I couldn't wait to get back to school

and unload my Marv Throneberry card.

What gives? You guys trading
baseball cards without me...?

♪

Baseball cards are for boys, Dean.

These... These are for men.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Seeing those magazines gave me a feeling

no baseball card ever could.

Until then, the raciest thing I'd seen

was employees changing the clothes

on a female mannequin at Woolworths.

And frankly, its lack of detail

left me with more questions
than answers.

Where did you guys get these?

From our dads' secret stashes.

If I don't see it, it's not a sin.

Hmm.

You've seen nudie magazines
before, right?

Of course he has.

Yes, of course.

Why's he sweating so much?

A fever?

Lucky for him, his wife's a nurse.

I'd never felt this way before.

It was exciting, titillating, taboo.

But I had to play it cool
in front of the guys.

[Groans]

Which became a lot easier

after Hampton passed out.

He's fine.

This happened in biology class, too.

♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ Ohh ♪

♪ Through the highs and the lows ♪

♪ I'mma find my way home ♪

Mom? Dad?

You guys home from work yet?

♪

In the ' s, you could
count on Black men

for all kinds of things.

Being able to dress.

Being able to fix a car.

Unfortunately,
you could also count on them

to know exactly where to hide things.

Instead of a will, my dad left us a map.

♪

Getting warmer.

♪

Getting colder.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was determined to find
his stash of magazines.

Wow. All the drawings

and homemade cards
we'd given them over the years.

♪

Mr. Giggles? Wait.

Mama told me he moved to a farm

after I dropped him
in the toilet that time.

[Sighs] The betrayal.

♪

Wow. So many memories.

So many precious...

Oh, boobs.

Jackpot.

I mean, sure, these were pretty
tame by today's standards,

but back then, nothing was
hotter than Mahogany Love.

♪

Stay out of grown folks'
business, Mr. Giggles.

♪

I just couldn't wait to show
them the magazines I found.

Hampton was definitely
gonna pass out again.

'Sup, fellas?

Who wants to do less talking,
and more looking,

- know what I'm saying?
- BOYS: Whoa!

Whoa, Dean! Nice!

Shh! Keep it down.

Haven't you ever seen
a girlie magazine before?

Well, what are you waiting for?

Let's see 'em.

Be cool.

Hey, Dean.

Did you get... taller?

Naw, baby.

Just more mature.

Eh, eh. Yeah.

What the hell was that?

♪

- Wow.
- Whoa.

- Awesome.
- Cool!

- Man.
- What?

Guys, should we be hogging the bathroom?

You know, in case someone has to go?

Wow. These are even better than Brett's.

Yeah. Great job, Dean.

These are primo. It's the good stuff.

My dad would leave my mom
if he saw this.

Yeah. My dad's a real pervert.

What you guys looking at?

Let's see this.

Oh, wow.

That's the good stuff!

- [Chuckles]
- Yeah.

Hey, whose are these?

Mine.

Righteous. Gimme some skin.

[Bell rings]

Ah, that's the bell.

I'm on duty now.

Fun's over, boys.

I'm gonna have to
confiscate these magazines.

What? Confiscate?

What happened to righteous?

And the skin we gave each other?

Sorry. That was "Fun Mike."

Now I'm "Hall Monitor Mike."

Hall Monitor Mike knows

that this is a violation
of school policy.

- Come on.
- I was busted.

I knew this meant a trip
to the principal's office.

But I couldn't show fear
in front of the guys.

Which, again, Hampton made easier.

- [Groans]
- [Thud]

He's fine.
This happened in detention, too.

♪

Well, I'm so sorry again.

Thanks for letting me know.

Don't worry. This boy gonna get
a good talking to.

You know, I had to call

because the school has
a very clear policy on this,

but, uh, boys will be boys.

And, uh, this is the good stuff.

You usually have to go to
a liquor store to find these.

That response is to be expected
in a decade

when "mechanic" was a viable career path

to junior high principal.

There was one more.

♪

[Sighs]

♪

So... we need to talk about
what just happened.

Here it comes. The pre-whooping talk,

where they explain why
they have to whoop you

and pretend like they don't enjoy it.

Daddy, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...

How 'bout we keep what happened
between us men?

Really?

This was the first time my dad
ever referred to me as a man.

- [Engine starts]
- I felt like he had given me admission

into the most
super-secret club there is.

♪

[Glasses clink]

[Laughs]

Drink it in, Dean.

You're in "The Club" now.

♪ A good time, baby ♪

♪ Have myself a good time, baby ♪

Ahh.

♪ Have myself a good time, yeah ♪

[Both laugh]

♪ All right ♪

ADULT DEAN: Now that I'd seen
those photos of naked women,

I couldn't focus on anything anymore.

You're thinking about
what my boobs look like,

aren't you, Dean?

No. I swear I wasn't.

That's not why I risked my life

saving thousands of innocent lives.

Pull yourself together.

BILL: Going to the store. Back in .

♪

Dean!

What the hell are you doing?

Uh... please don't be mad at Dad.

He told me not to look at his magazines.

Your father knows about this?

And he said these were his?

He said it's just between us men.

Oh, he did, did he?

Well, looks like the three of us
need to have a little talk.

I hadn't been in the man club for a day,

and I'd already committed
the cardinal sin

of letting Mama know
about Dad's secret stash.

♪ Well, I'm walkin' and walkin' ♪

♪ Yes, I'm walkin' in the rain ♪

♪

MAN: It's a shame he ain't ready.

And then he told me
they were your magazines,

and this was supposed to
be between the men.

Oh, so you did hear that part.

I know I wasn't supposed to do it.

I know they're dirty.

[Sighs] I tried to think
about other things,

but I couldn't get those
pictures out of my head.

Stupid sexy Harriet Tubman.

Okay, let's get one thing clear, Dean.

The feelings that you have
when you see those magazines

are natural.

They are not dirty.

I don't want you to ever feel guilty

or ashamed of what you're feeling.

So, I think it's time that
we talk with you about sex.

ADULT DEAN: Maybe it was time
for me to die.

Can't we just whoop the boy
like God intended?

Yeah, Mama, I'll take the whooping.

- I'd rather us talk about it.
- [Sighs]

Why do you always wanna talk?

Women don't know anything
about this stuff.

What stuff?

Nudie magazines and stuff.

Those magazines aren't your father's.

They're mine.

[Rumbling]

At that moment, it felt like
time almost stood still.

[Speaking in slow-motion]

[High-pitched ringing]

Why would you want to look at
magazines like those?

You remember when your father would be

on the road with the band a lot?

Well, I would miss him.

Are there pictures of him
in those magazines?

No. Not exactly.

But there are pictures of couples.

And some of the men would
remind me of your dad.

We even used to look at them together.

So, you don't anymore?

I guess we haven't in a while.

Why'd you stop?

Well... Well, you all were getting older

and we both were pretty busy with work.

Yeah, you know,
with teaching and tenure.

And I was going up for that
new promotion, more hours...

So, all that makes you not
miss each other anymore?

That's not important.

I just want you to understand

that this is all normal and healthy.

For men and women.

O-Okay.

Good.

Any more questions?

Great. Now that that's done,
who wants dinner?

Well, since you asked,

I did overhear some older kids
talking the other day.

[Sighs]

What's a period?

Damn it, Lillian!

Okay. A period...

In the ' s, most women
didn't openly talk about sex,

but Mama was always ahead of the curve.

She was the first Black woman
in her hometown

to learn how to drive.

She was the first Black woman
in her hometown

to go to college.

And I can't prove this one,
but I'm fairly certain

she was the first Black woman
in the neighborhood

to own a cardboard box
chock-full of p*rn.

One day, there is going to be
a woman that you love,

and knowing this about the opposite sex

is gonna make you a more open
and caring partner.

Most men have no idea
about the female sex drive,

and I don't want you
to turn out like them.

True.

Wait, in this scenario,

is Dean most men, or am I?

All I'm saying is I know this isn't

what you were expecting to hear
from a woman,

especially your mom,

but I don't think
it's too much for me to ask

that my son grow up to be
a caring and tender man.

♪

I'll be taking these.

Aren't you forgetting the
"just like his father" part?

"Just like your father."

It was implied.

♪

Mom and Dad gave you the talk,
didn't they?

What talk?

The "Let's ruin the fun of
thinking about sex" talk.

Yeah, it was pretty weird.

Yeah, they gave me the same one
a few years ago.

Yeah. Mama said that the dirty ma...

I mean "adult" magazines
I found were hers.

Wait, Mom has nudie magazines?

The same mom that made me
get baptized again

for wearing a bikini?

Oh, she got baptized again, all right,

but trust me, it wasn't just
about the bikini.

What else did they tell you?

That the baby comes out the...

Ugh. Yeah.

Ouch.

And that if you don't use
birth control, you get a...

- Bruce.
- [Both laugh]

But did Dad warn you
that not even the pill

will keep a girl from getting pregnant

if she has sex before
she graduates college?

No.

Of course he didn't.

He saved the lies for me.

Ugh. Dad!

I had been equipped with
knowledge much beyond my years.

And with great knowledge comes
great responsibility.

Responsibility to show
my friends how much I knew.

Wait, so when are we gonna
get our periods?

No, you idiot. It's for girls.

How did you find all this out?

My mom told me.

You talk about this with your mom?

Yep. She said that girls like guys

who know this kind of stuff,

and she wants to make sure
I'm a good husband one day.

I bet you guys didn't even know

girls look at these magazines, too.

- No way!
- Oh, yeah. It's true.

Women look at them because it
reminds them of their husbands.

TOGETHER: Ohhhh.

Now that I had clearly surpassed

the studly-ness of the guys,

I thought I'd take
what I learned from Mama

and use it to help me
get closer to Keisa.

She was about to see
just how knowledgeable I was

about women and their urges.

Hey, Keisa,

you're never gonna believe
what I just found out.

What I didn't expect to find out

was how hard Keisa's right cross was.

[Gasps] Dean, what happened?

All I did was tell everybody
the stuff you told me.

♪

Mrs. Williams.

♪

So, as I told you each on the phone,

we caught Dean sharing

an awful lot of detailed
personals with Keisa.

Well, I just want to say

how embarrassed we are
at Dean's actions.

Well, unfortunately,
that doesn't change the fact

that my little girl was forced
to listen to that smut.

Where did he even hear this filth?

Who knows? Boys will be boys. [Chuckles]

He claimed he heard it from you.

Thank you.

How are you raising your children?

Now because of you, not only was
my daughter exposed to...

Ears!

...[Whispers] sex,

[Normal voice] now my wife has
to sit here and hear about it.

There's no telling
what perverse thoughts

this puts in Keisa's mind.

She could be scarred for life,

all because your little boy
want to sit and expose her

to things he saw in...

Ears!

...[Whispers] p*rn.

All I wanted was for my mom
to set this guy straight.

I wanted her to explain to him

the same thing she explained to me...

that it's not dirty, it's all normal.

Well, some of the ratios of the women

in the middle pages
may not have been normal.

I'm sorry you have to sit here
and hear all this... talk.

Get him, Mama.

Tell him how women like this stuff, too.

I'm so, so sorry, too.

But when Mama didn't
put him in his place,

I began to understand why.

Keisa's dad was an example

of the type of man
my mama didn't want me to be.

As awful as I thought
my family's talk was,

I realized it wasn't nearly as bad

as the talk Keisa's family
wasn't having.

And in that moment, I was so proud

to have a membership card
in Mama's club.

How 'bout I take Dean home

and give him a good, long talking to.

Maybe let your husband handle it.

Thank you for the advice.

♪

Now, there's no need to tell
your father about all this.

♪

Really?

Even sexually liberated women

hate hearing their husbands
say, "I told you so."

♪

As good as it felt for my
friends to think I was mature,

it felt even better for my
parents to treat me that way.

[Radio changing stations]

Don't you touch that radio, boy.
You ain't grown.

Yes, ma'am.

JULIA: And I'm dedicated
to my profession

and skilled in it, and what's more,

I can handle even
the most exacting demands

- of a mean, gruff...
- [Lillian laughs]

...old man with the heartwarming manners

of a wounded moose.

♪

[Bill and Lillian laughing]

ADULT DEAN: Oh, no.

I caught my parents looking at p*rn.

If this was the Old Testament,
we'd all be stoned.

LILLIAN: Dean?

What are you doing?

Uh...

just staying out of
grown folks' business.

Well, come on down here and look at

how handsome your father looked
on our wedding day.

I better have.
That suit cost half a Buick.

- [Laughs]
- [Doorbell rings]

Oh, wow.

Oh, look at the time.

People must already be here.

["Nothing Worse Than Being
Alone" by The Ad Libs playing]

Girl, when's the last time
you had one of these?

- It's been a while, for sure.
- Mm.

COACH LONG: [Laughs] Oh, watch it now.

Hey, hey, don't mess around

and have no more babies over here.

[Laughter]

♪ ...stick with you 'cause ♪

♪ Nothing's worse than being alone ♪

♪ In spite of the heartaches ♪

- ♪ I'll have to suffer through ♪
- BILL: Dean! I'm empty!

ADULT DEAN: This was it.

I'd finally gotten the call
to the Big Leagues.

My hands were shaking nervously,

but thankfully, that just
helped mix the drink more.

Don't you care
what they're doing out there?

Why? They're grownups.

Everything they do is boring.

♪ I could find someone else,
but no one else ♪

ADULT DEAN: It took me
many years to truly appreciate

what our little talk did for me,

but thanks to my mom and dad,
I wouldn't grow up to be

a person with his head buried
in the sand like Keisa's dad,

or countless others
I'd encounter over the years.

Thanks to them, I'd grow up to be

a tender, caring man, like Mama wanted.

And as it turned out,

someone her future daughter-in-law

- appreciated, too.
- ♪ And stick with you 'cause ♪

♪ Nothing's worse than being alone ♪