03x18 - Manternity

[bunniefuu]

Dre: There was a time
not that long ago when women

could celebrate
their pregnancies openly.

Sometimes even
with cigarettes and drinks.

But nowadays for many women
in the workforce,

there's a concern that being pregnant

could hurt their career trajectory.

So, they try to hide it.

How about now? Do I still look pregnant?

Yes.

How about now?

You look like a table at El Torito...

that's pregnant.

Of course, Bow had a good reason

for hiding her pregnancy at work.

She's in the running to be
a partner in her practice.

[Ding!]

And her competition is tough.

It's between me and Holiday Hannah.

- Who?
- Holiday Hannah, Dre.

I know it's Halloween,

but we need somebody
to cover the E.R. tonight.

I don't have kids. I can do it.

I know it's Valentine's Day,

but we need somebody
to work the E.R. tonight.

I don't have a boyfriend. I can do it.

I know it's Mother's Day,

but we need somebody
to cover the E.R. tonight.

My mother's dead.

- I can do it.
- Wha...

And so far, Bow's been successful

in hiding the pregnancy
from her potential partners.

- Dr. Stone, hey.
- Hi.

Gosh, I'm so looking forward

to sitting down with you
and the partners tomorrow.

So are we. You have a lot
of fans in that room.

Oh, good to know.

- [Laughing] Thank you.
- [Alarms beeping]

You look beautiful today.

Man: Code blue. Code blue.

Patient in is coding.

I need this.

- Yeah, I need it, too.
- Okay.

Bow?

- Yes?
- Doctor?

- Coding.
- Oh, you said coding.

- Yes!
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- Get out of here.

You are to go! Go!

Oh! I'm pregnant!

[Laughs]

Congratulations.

Thank you so much. I... Yep.

Well, I will see you tomorrow.

I'll see you tomorrow. I can't wait.

I can't wait.

- He didn't make it.
- Really?

Hey, congratulations.

Thanks, Larry.

Circle of life. Pbht! Hooray!

Dre: So, Bow's pregnancy
was affecting everyone.

- Dre?
- Hmm?

What are you doing?

Oh, man, I got a pregnant wife at home,

and I am gonna be a hero at : a.m.

with these tiny pickles.

These are also for Bow, as well.

Must be nice having a wife, you know,

someone you can share secrets with,

just anything tethering you
to this world.

You're not a danger to others,
just yourself, right?

So, Dre, are you gonna take paternity
leave when the baby comes?

"Paternity leave"? Huh!

He meant "paternity test," Dre.

Oh, I know it's mine. I was there.

Oh, my man. My man.

No. No. I mean, are you gonna stay
home and take care of your baby?

[Laughter]

Stevens: That's a good one.

It's so crazy!

Daddy, can you imagine if you
stayed home to take care of me?

[Laughs] I can't.
I really can't. I mean...

Besides, this whole
paternity thing, it's not real.

I mean, there's nothing a man can do

to help a woman with a baby.

He can't nurse.

He can't go to doctor's appointments.

I mean, what's a man gonna do
with a baby? Hold it?

[Laughter]

What would that even look like?
What would it look like?

Where do you... Hold on. Hold on.

So, you had four kids and you
weren't home with any of them?

Well, no. I stayed home
after Zoey was born.

But that's because I was unemployed.

Yes! It's okay for a man
to be unemployed.

There's nobility in the struggle.

- You remember, Connie.
- Connor: How could I forget?

I was lying on the couch in my Snuggie,

eating a muffin,
and then you came in and told me

- that I could work here.
- Wow.

The proudest moment
of my life, Buttercup.

Yeah. You see? Paternity leave.

I never took it
and Connie turned out just fine.

Uh, Connie wears a house-arrest anklet.

But only for two more weeks.

- What?
- Charlie: Eustace turned out great, too.

He's so independent,

I don't know where he is half the time.

Like now.

Eustace!

Hey. Has anyone seen my iPod Shuffle?

- Excuse me.
- Hey, hey.

- Hey. Ouch.
- Listen, listen, listen.

It's gone missing.

Are you hearing me?

I'm talking about an iPod Shuffle.

The greatest piece
of non-vibrating technology

the world has ever seen.

Do they still make iPod Shuffles?

- Huh?
- What's it look like?

It looks like a tiny little square.

And I can't power-walk through
the Crenshaw Mall without it.

Can't you just use your Tae Bo videos

or your Shake Weight?

What do mean? To, like, exercise with?

Hi, Ruby.

Ah, I love the track suit
and kitten heels.

Yeah, listen, you haven't seen
my iPod Shuffle, have you?

I'm sorry. I haven't.
But I'll keep an eye out.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Children.

Children, gather.

Gather quickly.

We have a thief in the house.

Vivian stole my Shuffle.

What? Grandma, nobody would steal that.

Oh, that's crazy. You see, the
struggle is always real for you.

This isn't the first time Vivian
has stolen from me.

I'm not sure that counts as stealing.

Yeah. Also Vivian is very pretty, so...

- Hm.
- I never liked her.

I'm on board.

Very wise, Diane.

Yes, yes.

Oh, we gonna find that Shuffle.

Dre: So, Bow had her interview
with the partners,

and since there was an elephant
in the room,

she tried to lighten the mood.

Well, I am glad that you guys
have your coffee

'cause I am such
a good anesthesiologist,

I might put you to sleep.

[Laughter]

'Cause I know how to...

Oh, womp. [Laughs]

- [Ding!]
- And failed.

But then she dealt
with the elephant head on.

Being pregnant is an asset.

It means I'm completely loyal.

The baby is not gonna interfere
with my schedule at all.

I will be back in six weeks. [Chuckles]

Pregnant women can do it all.

Meanwhile, I was realizing that Josh

might not be wrong
about paternity leave.

I mean, I wasn't home
after Junior was born.

Have you seen my wand?

I can't find it anywhere,

and my spell book is useless without it.

And I didn't stay home
with the twins, either.

Hey, Dad... Ohh!

I am not taking care of him
when we're adults.

Or you, Dad.

I hope you've invested well.

What?

Ow!

Uh...

But then there's Zoey.

[Ethereal music plays]

She's perfect.

Oh, morning, Dad.

Good morning, baby girl.

O-M-G, did you see that video online?

Yeah, with the goat
and the baby throwing up?

Both: At the same time.

Mm!

We have the same
sense of humor, same style.

Wait.

What if Zoey turned out
so great because I was home

during the first crucial months
of her life?

I knew what I had to do.

Ow!

Ooh.

Why are you still on the floor?

Hey, guys, guys.

Seriously, it's time to get
into this Bailey's campaign.

Now remember, they want it to be seen

as something more
than just a holiday drink.

So let us brainstorm. Go.

Uh, okay, winter.

- Uh, skiing.
- Mm-hmm.

sh**ting wolves from a helicopter.

Nice. Go ahead.

- Long bath with a short woman.
- Mm.

Or I mean deep bath
with a shallow woman.

Weird but wonderful. Go ahead.

Sitting by the fire,
waiting for the phone to ring.

Oh, for God's sake.
Just take the sh*t, Josh.

- Oh.
- Dre, come on.

I'm taking paternity leave.

Okay, that makes no sense.

See, we're looking for words that
actually help with the product,

like indulgent, deliciously perfect...

No.

I'm taking paternity leave.

- What?
- Nice! Hey!

I told you he was gay, Dad.

Shh! That's, uh...

That's text talk, kitten.

Okay, I've done some research.

And did you know
that when babies are born,

they resemble their fathers?

It's Mother Nature's way
of keeping the dads invested.

I was disappointed when Eustace

looked more like my brother, Eustace.

Mm.

Eustace!

Look, Dre, if paternity leave
was so great,

why wouldn't everyone be taking it?

Around the world, they do.

In Denmark, more than %
of dads take time off.

- Mm.
- Connor: Denmark. Please.

What has Denmark ever done?

Uh, Legos.

Legoland.

Wait. They made Legos?

- Wow.
- Legos, Legos?

Okay, okay, look, guys, the point is

I want to give my baby
the best chance in life.

That way Zoey and the baby

can take care of all the middle ones.

I'm proud of you, my brother.

Put your hand down, Josh.

Of course.

Stevens: Seriously, just take the sh*t.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, babe.

So, uh, how'd your interview go?

It's interesting you should ask,
my darling.

- Mm?
- You know why?

Why?

Because I nailed it.

- [Laughs]
- I nailed it!

I mean, it was a little bit
awkward at first.

- Mm-hmm.
- And then I nailed it, Dre.

I super nailed it.

I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you, baby.
- Yep.

I also k*lled it today.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- What'd you do?
- I'm taking paternity leave.

What?! Oh, my...
Dre, that's fantastic.

I... I didn't even know
you were thinking about that.

I want my baby to have all the benefits

of a strong, present father.

Oh, you're the best.

And if you time it right,

I can go to the NBA Finals.

- Dre.
- Mm-hmm.

So, DeVonte, you keep kicking
and you keep cooking.

- Great. Okay.
- Mm, my baby.

- My baby nailed it.
- I nailed it.

- I totally nailed it.
- Mm!

- Jack: Grandma.
- Ruby: Mm?

You were right.

My Robotruck is definitely missing.

And I can't find my favorite crop top.

I've looked everywhere.

Are you sure it could be Vivian?

It could, and it is.

It's just so hard to believe.

It's easy to believe
if you accept the fact

that people are inherently evil,
which I do.

Okay, I can't sit by any longer

and let you all slander
Vivian's good name.

I present to you exhibit "A".

Does this look like a thief to you?

Or this?

Ew. Are these stalker photos?

- No. They're candids.
- Of her butt?

All this proves is you won't
be able to live near a school.

Now, listen up.
Vivian is the perfect thief.

She has complete access.

We don't even pat her down
when she leaves.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

- You're right.
- Uh-huh.

What fools we've been.

It's time to remember the golden rule.

When someone steals from you,
catch them.

And shame them.

That's not the gold...

I said...

shame them.

Preach.

And the Bailey's account
will go to Charlie.

Hey.

Hey! Bailey's is mine!

Oh, hey, Dre.

[Whispers indistinctly]

Oh, yeah.

Um, I would like to formally apologize

for sending out that company-wide e-mail

calling your plan
to take paternity leave

- "bitch stuff."
- [Chuckles]

But on the plus side,
it did prompt a pop-in visit

from our HR executive, who is a woman.

Again, my name is Rachel.

And I feel like you really
don't get why I'm here.

Because you're hot, sweetheart.

[Light laughter]

[Whispers indistinctly]

Right.

That was inappropriate.

And you may also take paternity leave.

Thank you for doing what
is legally required of you.

Actually, you know, Dre,
we crunched the numbers.

With you not here,
we save a ton on food.

And toilet paper.

Connor: And without your daily lectures

about, uh, you know, black stuff,

we're actually gonna get
some work done around here.

So, I was just handing out your account

to the other executives.

- Josh, you take that.
- Ooh.

It's got a lot of girth.

You take as long as you want there, Dre.

You can stay home
till you penis falls off.

But the baby isn't even born yet.

And these are my special folders,

and that is my family on my special mug.

Well, you'll see enough of them
when you're at home.

[All murmuring]

Gotcha! [Laughs]

- I'm not taking a paternity leave.
- No!

I can't believe you fell
for that, suckas!

You think I'm gonna trade
in my livelihood

to change dirty diapers?

Pff! Please.

I am a man, and my penis is sewn on.

We got our Dre back.

[Whispers indistinctly]

Oh, well...

I will refrain
from discussing my genitalia

in the workplace.

Bummer.

Thanks a lot.

Meanwhile, Bow was waiting
for news from the partners.

[Sighs]

They're gonna call.
You're gonna make partner.

You're right. You're right.

You know what?

I deserve this,
and I k*lled it in that meeting.

I k*lled it.

Of course you k*lled it. You're amazing.

A doctor, wife,

mother of four, one on the way.

You should write a book.

St... Pff, come on.

No, you're a role model,
and, you know...

- So sweet of you to say that...
- I was a little afraid to tell you this,

but now I see that I really have
no reason to be.

Are you having an affair with Dre?

What? No!

- Oh.
- I'm pregnant.

Oh, wha... Oh. Oh!

[Both laugh]

Oh, my... W...

Are you sure you're not having
an affair with Dre?

You are just so funny.

No, no. You know he's not for me.

Not at all.

- [Sighs]
- We're both pregnant!

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Can you... Come...
- [Screams]

Give me a hug.

Oh.

- What?
- Come here, come here.

What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
What? What? What?

We need to fire Vivian.

Who?

Black Nanny.

[Gasps] Oh, right.

Because she wants all of this, huh?

I knew this would be a problem.

No, Dre.

Because she went
and got herself pregnant.

[Gasps] So she's not into me?

- N...
- Well, now I'm not into her.

Will you focus, please? Look, focus.

Dre, we rely on her.

And she has violated the sacred trust

between employer and employee.

And you should have heard
the web of lies she spun.

Just...

Being pregnant is an asset.

It means I am completely loyal.

This pregnancy will not
interfere with my schedule.

I will be back in six weeks.

Pregnant woman can do it all.

That's verbatim
what you told the partners.

Is it, Dre? Is it?!

Is it?! Is it?!

- Is... Is it?
- Yes, it is.

Well, you know what? It's all lies.

Moms cannot do it all.

No, babies are a lot of work, Dre.

This is so much work!

And she's leaving me high and dry

when I need her the most.

How can she do this to me?

- Oh.
- She's so selfish.

She's a selfish lady.

- Well...
- Yep.

I'm glad that you are so sensitive

to the plight of a pregnant woman

trying to balance her home
and work life.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you. Wait.

Wait a minute.

- Oh.
- Yes.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

[Cellphone rings]

Oh, hello, Dr. Stone.

Uh-huh. Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

I appreciate that.

All right. You too.

Okay, bye.

Okay, okay.

Tell me... What happened?

I didn't get it.

Oh.

Come here, baby.

Come here.

- Damn it.
- Oh, it's okay.

You'll get it next time.

Ruby: Kids!

Kids, get in here! Come on!

Come on, come on, come on.

What you got, Grandma?

I wanted to show you all...

- Zoey: Oh.
- The proof.

You stole Vivian's purse?

It's not stealing

when you steal from a thief.

- Then what it is?
- It's a gray area.

So, listen.

This morning, I put a $ bill

- on the kitchen counter as bait.
- Oh, my.

Uh-huh. It's gone. [Chuckles]

And behold...

$ .

But that's two $ 's.

She went and got change.

This ain't her first rodeo.

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

Is that my purse?

Are you stealing from me?

Doesn't feel so good now,
does it, sticky fingers?

Sticky fingers?

Well, you think that I stole something?

Can you believe that, Vivian?

Doesn't it just make you want to pout?

[Sighs] Hey, what's going on here?

What's going on here
is your nanny's been stealing.

- What?
- No.

She took my $ ,

Zoey's crop top, and Jack's toy.

Okay, look, Black Nanny is not a thief.

- It's Vivian.
- Please, Black Nanny,

- I'm defending you.
- Ugh.

Your mother donates the toys
you're too old for.

Is that what happened
to my Fisher-Price phone?

You have an iPhone now. Come on, man.

It's not the same.

And I got rid of your crop top

because no daughter of mine
is gonna be walking around

in a handkerchief claiming it's a shirt.

And I took that $ .

But it wasn't yours.

This entire house is mine,

so if you leave money out,
I'm gon' take it.

Oh.

Everyone owes Black Nanny an apology.

- Sorry, Vivian.
- Sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

My bad.

I don't say sorry. Sorry.

[Gasps]

- Thanks, Dre.
- Uh, please, Black Nanny.

I'm married.

You're embarrassing yourself.

So, the next day, Bow tried
to make something positive

come out of not making partner.

Hi, guys.

Thank you so much
for agreeing to this follow-up.

Um, I promise you
I am not here to complain.

No, nobody thought you were here
to complain or to sue us.

Our lawyer is just here having lunch.

All right, so, I will admit

that I was really disappointed
that I didn't make partner.

But I've... I've accepted it gracefully.

[Crying] I don't deserve
tiny pickles, Dre!

I don't deserve them.

But I thought I could actually
play a different role here.

I found out my nanny is also pregnant.

And I realized what
it must be like in your shoes.

It's just that our society
hasn't figured out

how to support pregnant women
or their employers.

And we need to.

I mean, women should be encouraged

to celebrate their pregnancies,
not to hide them.

The system is not gonna change

if doesn't include
the participation of everybody.

And I really feel like
I can help with that.

So that's... I would like to do that.

- We appreciate that.
- Yeah.

And also congratulations
to Holiday Hannah.

Yay! [Chuckles]

Holiday Hannah?

Ooh. Oh.

That's... It's a little private nickname

that I call you [chuckles]
at home with...

When you're not there.

I'm so sorry, Joanne.

Oh.

You know what sucks?

What?

I don't know if my pregnancy
is the reason

that I didn't get the partnership.

Just makes me want to work so much
harder next year so I can get it.

Hey. You'll get it, babe.

But at least I don't have
to rush back to work

after I give birth.

[Both laugh]

I can stay home with our son
during that magic time.

My God. They smell so good then.

Oh, wow.

I can't believe we're doing this again.

I don't want to miss it, either.

I want to be home with our baby and you.

Well, that's why you took
the paternity leave.

Yeah. Uh... about that.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I'll get it back.

Oh, my gosh.

Besides, I think the Clippers
may make the playoffs.

Yeah, I was really worried about that.

Yeah, me too. You keep cooking.

- You keep cooking.
- [Laughs]

[Camera shutter clicks]

Not so fast, Grandma.

You owe Vivian an apology.

Well, just because I found it

doesn't mean she didn't steal it.

But that's exactly what it means.

Mind your own business.

You little pervert.

What?