03x22 - All Groan Up

[bunniefuu]

Dre: As a parent, you're
always questioning

whether or not you're doing
the right thing for your kids.

[TV plays indistinctly] Am I giving
them enough attention?

Dad?

Dad!

Refill that for your old man.

♪

Am I saying the right things?

Dad, what was Mom like when you met her?

Loose.

Loose.

Am I handling situations
in the best way possible?

Ah-choo!

♪

[Gasping]

Ah-choo!

[Groans]

Ah!

Doesn't feel so good, does it?

But the one thing you have
to get right as a parent

is making sure you get your kid ready

for the next chapter in life... college.

Hey, Junior. Catching this?

All over it, Dad.

Here we are.

College acceptance day.

Zoey's future is one click away.

I got in! Oh, gosh. Oh, God!

Yes, congratulations, baby!
I knew you could do it!

I knew you could do it!

In your face, Junior!

Pops: Look at that.

Why?

Where, where, where, where'd you get in?

NYU. I got in to NYU!

NYU?! Yes!

NYU. That... That's in New York.

Oh, okay.

Maybe she doesn't need to go to college.

Jesus didn't, and he was fine.

♪

Uh, New York is pretty far away. Yeah.

And so is Miami, where I just got in!

Miami!

[Cheers and applause]

- Yay. Good for you.
- Excuse me.

Uh, let me know if you need a linen guy.

Wa-Wa-Wait, I-I may not need one,

because I just got
in to Vanderbilt, too!

Rainbow: [Gasps] Vanderbilt, Vanderbilt!

Wait, where is Vanderbilt?

Tennessee.

Above Alabama.

Below Kentucky.

It's that way.

Ooh! I got in to Southern
Cal, too!

Rainbow: No way!

Boom! That's what I'm talking about!

Southern Cal is the best school
in the country, baby girl!

Congratulations!

Best school in the country?

That's not even the best school in L.A.

Shut up, Junior!

- What do you know, huh?
- Dre!

Baby, he is talking out of his ass.

Congratulations on
getting out of here, Zoey.

Thank you.

But it's not all great news.

I... didn't get in to Brown, Mom.

Aw. Aw. That's all right.

Boom!

In your face, Dad!

Oh.

Well, you know what?

I am so proud of you, Zoey.

For all the work that
you've done this year!

I knew you could do it!

I never thought she could do it.

Dre, she not only got in to college...

she has choices.

She's a rock star!

Yeah.

This is all your fault.

- What's my fault?
- You made our daughter believe

that she could do anything.

You did this.

I'm a monster.

Yes. You are.

And because of that, she's gonna go

clear across the
country to go to college.

Honey, I understand what you're feeling.

But I'm gonna miss her
just as much as you.

No, you won't.

Because you don't love her like I do.

She and I are each other's favorite.

Oh. My favorite.

Mm.

I mean, why do I need a will?

All I ask is that you're
fair and give your siblings

whatever it is you don't want, okay?

Oh. There they go.

[Screams]

[Laughs] We got you, and
we got it all on video!

And it's posted.

Whatever.

Zoey and I have a
special relationship, too.

- Hey.
- I was just wondering,

if, you know, you want to...

just talk about anything... special,

you know, just girl-to-girl.

Gross.

Hey, girl.

[Beep] Go away.

Hey! Hi!

How was school, today?

- Great. The funniest thing happened...
- Oh, tell me!

Wha... ?

She's not very nice to me.

Mm.

Why did I expect the woman
I married to understand me?

I needed real help on this one.

Well, I know how to stop your daughter

from going to New York, Dre.

Did you ever see the movie "Room?"

Is that the one where
the girl gets kidnapped

and thrown into a shed?

Yeah, but she gets away.

Okay, forget it, guys.

Sorry I asked.

Hey, lookit. I don't know
why you have to argue, Dre.

I mean, we have practically
raised your kids for you.

My kids are spoiled rotten.

Well, has it occurred to you

that maybe you're not
buying them enough stuff?

What?

Well, this big white
kid bullying my son.

A white bully?

Easy!

Just go straight for the throat balls.

[Chuckling] Right? Am I... ?

You have got to keep tabs
on your kids at all times.

Technology will let you do that.

Like right now,

my boys are... in my kitchen

filling a gunny-sack
full of cantaloupes.

Ooh. Can't go home right now.

Why don't you ever listen, Dre?

These guys are dropping gems.

Thank you, doodlebug.

Hey. I don't know how
you're gonna do it, Dre.

I can't even leave my cat home alone.

By the way, my cat is in my office.

He's too sick to go to daycare today.

[Cat yowling in distance]

Yeah, I got to go.

Coming, Andre Johnson!

- Huh?
- [Yowling continues]

I named him that before I met you.

I have proof.

Uh, did you ever think
about just breaking her, Dre?

What? You know, crushing her soul

so she doesn't have the
confidence to leave you.

I do that with all the women in my life.

[Chuckles] That's definitely
what you did to Mom.

Ah, yeah. That was some of my best work.

She was a tough break.

Okay. For some reason, I don't think

breaking my daughter
is the right approach.

Charlie: I don't know, Dre.

I stopped feeding
Eustace when he refused

to push my hernia back in.

But on day five...

he manned uppity-up
up up uppity-up up up.

Two too many "ups".

♪

Okay, so here are the Carolinas.

There's North Carolina, and there's...

Sweet Carolina.

[Sighs] Don't worry.

I'll never let them take you.

All right. Now we have
to figure out a way

to keep Zoey from going to Vanderbilt.

What's wrong with Vanderbilt?

Zoey's not ready for Tennessee.

They got deep-fried racism down there.

She's used to this
ocean-breeze racism out here.

Uh, but we don't get to pick
where Zoey goes to college.

You're thinking about this "going
to college" thing all wrong, son.

You've got to make Zoey's
education work for you.

It's not about where she wants to go.

It's about where you want to visit her.

It is?

What, do you think I sent Dre to Howard

because I thought it was good for him?

No.

I sent Dre to Howard because
I had a little lady friend

over in Virginia who I
couldn't get enough of.

Aww. Grandma?

She had a grandma.

I couldn't take Charlie
and Stevens' advice

to ruin my daughter, but
I could ruin New York.

Ow!

Kaboom!

What the hell?!

Hey, that's what happens when
you live in New York City.

They throw snowballs... at your face.

- Dre.
- Hm?

You could've really hurt her.

Could have? This was mostly ice.

Hey, if this was Brooklyn,
it would've been a tire.

A ti... wha... ?

I don't know. I don't know. What?

And then I doubled down

and gave Zoey a taste of
a real New York night.

[Traffic sounds playing]

[Volume increases]

So loud.

So cold.

♪

Finally, I went for the jugular.

I can't find my car keys.

Oh. Really?

Okay, this isn't funny, Dad.

I'm gonna be late for school.

Well, when you live in New York...

your car is your feet.

Better get to stepping.

[Sighs] Oh, my God.

Dad!

- Oh!
- What?

See, now you know what it feels like

to walk in the snow
and slush in New York.

Oh! Can't forget about this.

[New York accent] Hey! I'm walking here!

We got the best pizza.

Ah, fuhgeddaboudit.

[New York accent] Ay! Lena Dunham's

doing performance art

down at the Brooklyn Academy of Music.

Ba-da-bing!

[Laughs]

Why can't you be
the one going to college?

♪

So I was feeling pretty confident

that my anti-New York
message was sinking in.

- Dre?
- [Computer plays indistinctly]

Hey, babe. Hey.

Where's Zoey?

I want to show her this video
of the Puerto Rican Day parade.

Uh, speaking of New York, Dre...

for some reason,

- winters are really starting to worry Zoey.
- [Computer sound mutes]

Oh. Is that right?

Ta-da!

Mom bought me winter clothes.

Perfect for the snow and the slush.

Yeah, who knew that layers

would look so good on her?

I mean, I kind of had a hunch.

Well...

[Both chuckle]

With Zoey now clearly
leaning towards New York,

there was only one thing left to do.

It was time for the nuclear option.

Dre. Are you doing what
I think you're doing?

You're damn right I am.

[Sighing] Oh, God.
What's wrong with you?

Why are you always making slide shows?

- How dare you.
- Huh?

All right, this is different from when

they closed "World on Wheels"

or when the Clippers
got rid of Chris Kaman.

All right, this slide show

will keep my baby girl from going away.

Dre, a slide show did not
work on Donald Sterling,

and it is not gonna work on Zoey.

Okay, what's the problem
with me doing this, huh?

Hmm? Hmm?

I'm not saying, "Don't
go to college, Zoey."

I'm just saying, "Don't
go to college far away."

Dre, Zoey is growing up and maturing.

All of our kids are. And you know what?

I can't deal with you having a meltdown

every time one of our kids

shows signs of being an adult.

[Gasps]

Oh.

♪

What's wrong?

F-F-Forgot...

Forgot to put on... deodorant.

I was gonna say something,

but I was like, "Hm, she
should be able to smell that."

LeBron James...

could have gone anywhere he wanted,

but he chose to take his
talents to South Beach.

What does that say?

It says that he was ring chasing.

The guy just wanted to
play with his friends!

The King chose Miami
because it's the best.

It's hot.

It's sexy.

It's all the way live.

Wait, are you guys lobbying

for me to go to the University of Miami?

Hey, that's his thing, not mine.

The only good thing to come
out of Miami is an empty bus.

Are you kidding?!

Where else can you go to
the beach during the day,

party all night, and then
ride an alligator to school?

Seriously. I'm asking.

♪

[Sighing] Oh, God.

Bow, you all right?

[Groans]

Pops.

I just saw Junior...

kissing...

Megan.

Oh, that... that little white girl?

Yes.

[Chuckles] I marched
so he could do that.

You should have seen them.

It was like they were two...

blind, clumsy animals just...

eating each others' faces.

- [Shudders]
- That's quite the visual.

When did this happen?

When did this happen?!

I mean, it was just yesterday

that Dre was giving him the sex talk.

What's that?

Just a comfortable man with no shirt on

talking to his son about nasty stuff.

[Laughs]

Whew! Really feeling the A.C. in here.

Am I standing under a vent?

So your boy's growing up.

Mm-hmm.

Well, you ought to be
celebrating the fact

that he's getting a little action.

[Groans]

Didn't always look like it
was gonna go that way for him.

Oh, no! My Hobbit Shire!

Field hockey?!

Man, isn't that a woman's sport?

Nope. Um, a lot of
people think that, though.

Dad! I finally got
the coffee order right!

No!

- My precious little baby boy.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know if I can handle

my kids growing up.

I feel like I'm losing them.

No, you never lose them.

Trust me on that, 'cause I done tried.

Aww, stop. [Laughs]

The good news is, you
still got two babies left.

The twins. Mm-hmm.

That's right. Ah.

- Thank you, Pops.
- That's what I'm here for...

to remind of the children
you forgot you had.

[Both laugh]

Oh! Well, wait! Hold on!

I got this one.

And that's just crazy.

[Sighs] I-I...

Well, I mean...

Charlie may have had bad
ideas about parenting,

but he knew his way around a slide show.

You should use that one
of Bow in the swimsuit.

Uh...

I don't think it's right for this.

Mm.

Can you send me that?

That's my wife, man.

I know!

Does she ever ask about me?

- Keep it real.
- No. Charlie.

She doesn't.

All right, now back to this music cue.

I've got, uh...

- "Wind Beneath My Wings... "
- Mm-hmm.

- ... or "On The Wings Of Love...
- Mm-hmm.

... or "Take These Broken Wings."

My cousin Nick used to have wings.

I used to hate when he
borrowed one of my shirts.

[Scoffs]

You know what? Uh...

I think I'm just gonna do a medley.

Medley?

Medleys are for vegetables, Dre.

There's only one song that
truly captures the love

between father and child.

You're right.

♪ If I could get another chance ♪

- Oh, hell, no.
- [Chuckles]

- Oh, see, I know what happened.
- ♪ Another walk ♪

What? I d*ed on the table.

Now I'm in hell. Come
on, come on, come on.

♪ Another dance with him ♪

Let's stretch it out. Stretch it out.

See, you always trying to lead. Ugh.

There you go. Come on. Turn around.

Ohh.

I was gonna say "Sexual Healing."

"Sexual Healing?"

This is my daughter, Charlie.

What... What's wrong with you?!

I don't know what you're going for.

NYU is the move.

Point blank and period.

Wait a second...

so Jack wants me to go to Miami

but you want me to go to NYU?

- Mm-hmm.
- Let me be clear.

I just want you to go to the school

where you have the best
chance academically.

And I'll be honest,

I don't know what that school is.

There's a magic in New York,

like walking out of your
building in a strappy Manolo.

Oh! Hailing a cab,

covering your hair from the rain

with The Village Voice.

That does sound magical.

Mm-hmm.

But none of my friends got in to NYU.

Well, you'll make new friends,

like Miranda and Charlotte.

And when I visit you, we can
have brunch and go shoe shopping

and swing by our friend's art gallery.

[Sighs]

Diane...

have you been watching
"Sex and the City?"

♪

[Sighs] And that's when
I couldn't help but wonder,

would Zoey's education
lead to my higher learning?

[Gasps]

Ohh.

My babies are in bed.

Who's ready for our ritual?

[Chuckles]

[Nasally] Eskimo nuzzles!

Butterfly kisses.

Um, Mom, Mom. We're cool.

Oh.

Okay.

[Sighs]

♪ Goodnight, Diane ♪

♪ Goodnight, Jack ♪

♪ Now that you've had your ♪

♪ Bedtime snack ♪

- ♪ The sandman is coming ♪
- Mom.

- ♪ The sandman is coming, the san... ♪
- Mom!

Mom. We said we're cool.

What... What's wrong?

You mean aside from being pitchy?

But you guys love the Goodnight Song.

At this point, the whole
bedtime ritual thing

is more for you,

and I think you're getting to the age

where we can stop pretending.

But...

you're my babies.

Obama's the first black president?

[Groans]

Sweetheart...

do you want to sleep with me tonight?

- Mm-hmm!
- Okay, come on. Time for bed.

- No!
- Okay, okay. Okay. All right.

[Sighs] Oh, gosh.

Oh, my God! You are wearing a bow tie.

I'm your little man.

[Sniffling]

Mom...

get a hold of yourself.

I'm so pregnant, so...

In another room, preferably. Bye.

Goodnight.

Dre: Now, that is a much better picture.

Dre, we've lost them.

- What?
- We've lost them all.

Oh, gosh.

[Sighs] This slide show needs to be

the greatest the world has ever seen.

Oh, it will be, babe.

Okay.

- It will be.
- Okay.

What... Hey, wait.

Why is there a picture of me

in a bathing suit still in there?

- That was from my personal file.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's for... another video.

- [Slow-tempo music plays]
- You know, I'm not feeling this dissolve.

I'm not gonna say it again, Dre.

No more star wipes. Okay.

What the hell is going on in here?

Me and my lady friend have been hearing

"Dance With My Father" on
repeat for the last two hours.

- [Music stops]
- And I thought y'all

would've m*rder-suicided
each other by now.

Dre and I are making

- a slide show for Zoey, Pops.
- Mm-hmm.

Slide show? Yeah, well,
not just any slide show.

The ultimate slide show.

The slide show to end all slide shows.

Bow, I expect this from him,

but not you. You're better that this.

Not today, Pops! Okay?

Because our kids are
growing up way too fast,

- and it has to stop!
- Okay! Okay.

So your daughter's going off to college,

and you're freaking out for a moment.

That's allowed. That's fine.

But isn't this what you wanted?

Isn't this why you both worked so hard,

moved in to this white-ass neighborhood,

sent her to that white-ass school

so she could have all these
white-ass opportunities?

Let her go.

And, son, if you play
that song one more time,

not only will you never dance again,

you'll never walk again, either.

[Sighs] What are we doing, Dre?

What are we doing?

We're letting go. [Sighs]

♪

- It just all happened so fast.
- So fast!

Didn't we just bring Zoey
home from the hospital?

Yeah. Oh, my God. She was so teeny.

[Gasps] Oh, oh, oh.

Do you remember that hat?

Yeah. She was always pulling it off.

[Laughs] She didn't like
your taste even then.

- [Both laughing]
- Oh, God.

Ah, we have to let go, don't we?

Mm.

Well...

we have more years with this one.

Let's take a million pictures of him.

- Mm.
- And promise that

we will give him all of our time.

Mm-hmm.

What happens when he goes to college?

Did you see the movie "Room?"

Ohh.

Mm-hmm.

♪

So, I know everybody's been wondering

where Zoey is gonna go to school.

So here it is.

I think I'm leaning towards...

NYU!

Yes!

Solid academic choice.

You will probably struggle.

Oh, thanks for that.

I can live with New York.

I've always wanted to
pee in Central Park.

[Laughs]

- I'm gonna come visit every other weekend.
- Me, too.

Um, New York is far, guys.

I probably won't even
come home until Christmas.

When you move back
home after failing out.

Christmas?

So, you're gonna miss Thanksgiving?

- Yes.
- And what about Halloween?

What are we gonna do
for our family costume?

And if you're not coming home,

who's gonna do my hair for picture day?

We cannot put that in Mom's hands.

Guys, it's not like
I'm gonna forget you.

I love being your big sister.

We love that, too.

[Chuckles] And... in a way,

I guess it's good

that we're all gonna miss each other.

Except the baby.

He won't even know you.

[Sighs]

♪

Hey, sweetie. Hey, babe.

Hey. I need to return this.

- Okay?
- Wrong size?

[Sighs]

Wrong state.

Oh.

Night, guys.

- Mm.
- Night.

♪

♪ If I could get another chance ♪

♪ Another walk, another dance with him ♪

♪ I'd play a song that
would never, ever end ♪

[Sniffles] I hate that I love this.

- [Sobs]
- ♪ To dance with my father again ♪

[Sniffles and sighs]