03x23 - Liberal Arts

[bunniefuu]

Well, I guess this is it.

[Sighs]

[Voice breaking] I promise...

I'll never forget you.

I'd hope not. Dad,
it's a two-day orientation.

Okay, maybe we could
circle the block again?

Maybe we can find a Shake Shack?
I hear that stuff is great.

- Dad...
- Okay, you're right! You're right.

- It's just two days.
- [Chuckles] Yeah.

- Go!
- Thank you...

Do it quick, get it over with!

Just rip the Band-Aid off!

♪ Drug boy said it's showtime ♪

Dre: And like that,
I saw the little girl

whose first footsteps gave
me my first tears of joy

begin to take her first steps into...

Zoey: Dad, enough!

I can tell my own story.

Dre: [Voice breaking] Fine.

Just like that, I was off.

I took my first steps into the new...

[Horn honks]

Spread your wings, baby bird!

♪ We're filled with so much hatred ♪

- Spread your wings!
- ♪ The kids don't stand a chance ♪

God, please give me the strength.

[ Beeps] Where's
the nearest Shake Shack?

Siri: Searching for Shake Shack nearby.

Zoey: [Clears throat] Okay,
uh... as I was saying.

I took my first steps into a new world.

♪ Sometimes, it's hard to grow ♪

♪ While living in fear of the unknown ♪

College... so many new faces,

so many new experiences.

♪ When no lo-ove is in his heart ♪

♪ We're trapped inside the matrix ♪

Am I intimidated? [Scoffs] No!

♪ ...forced to play our hand ♪

I'm gonna k*ll this thing.

Watch.

♪ The kids don't stand a chance ♪

♪

So, there I was,

laying in the middle of my campus rep,

Marsha's, dorm room floor,

crying my eyes out,

feeling like my life was over.

And she walked over to me,
rubbed me on my back,

looked me right in my tear-filled eyes

and said, "Stacy, don't worry.

Everyone has HPV."

That's when I knew I was home.

Go Titans.

♪

O-kay!

Thank you, Stacy, for... that.

[Clears throat]

You know what else is communicable?

School spirit! [Chuckles]

Good afternoon, everyone.

I'm Burt Parker, Dean of Students.

Now, before you break off
into your tour groups,

I'd like you to meet the
new president of Cal U,

Jonathan Schock.

Thank you for that heartfelt welcome,

faculty member.

It is an honor to welcome

so many bright young minds here,

to the campus of Cal U.

And I'd like to extend a very special...

"Konichiwa," "Cam cho,"

"Bonjour," "Buenos Dias,"

"Shalom," and "Assalamualaikum"

to all our cash-paying foreign students.

There will be a V.I.P. tour for you...

and mugs.

Go Titans.

♪

Stacy: Okay, group B,
just introduce yourself

and tell us how you'd
like to be identified.

I'll go first... I'm Stacy.

I'm a tri-racial gender-fluid
panoramic demisexual

and my pronoun is "they."

Who's next?

Both: I need to use the bathroom.

♪

Oh... my... God.
I had to get out of there.

As soon as she started talking,
I was praying for a nosebleed.

Yeah, or like a wardrobe malfunction.

Or like a flash flood.

Or the discovery of a dead body.

Whoa.

Can we start over?

Can you just tell me your
name and nothing else?

No pronouns, no sexual preferences,

- none of that.
- Zoey.

Miriam.

Now if we actually become friends,

you'll learn things about
my private life that

you can go tell other
people behind my back.

Right, like you're supposed to.

Hi! I'm with the Social
Justice Dance Squad.

Do you believe either
the cops and/or rhythm

are gonna get you?

Uh, we're just browsing.
You don't wanna...

- Thank you.
- Okay.

How many super-specific
groups do they need here?

I know! Like, no offense to the...

Vegan BBQ Society,

but I'm not really the "joiner" type.

♪

Excuse me, Queen.

Would you be interested
in joining the BSU?

Yes! Yes, I am. Yeah?

As am I, King.

- How you doin'?
- What is the BSU?

[Chuckles] Uh....

Drop science for her, please.

Me? Oh, well.

The BSU stands for the...

uh, uh, the, uh... you know, the...

The Black... Black...

Student... Student...

Union. Union!

Black Student Union... science dropped.

I mean, come on, Miriam.
This is basic stuff.

I mean, how cray would
it be for me not to know

what the Black Student Union is?

Right, because you're... Y-You're black.

I am.

I'm very black.

You what would really be crazy?

If someone thought that you
were a breeding representative

of the Beesu,

a new hybrid of Chinese wrinkled dog,

which is a mixture of the
bijon and the shitzu.

But you're not, correct?

Charlie?

Wait. You know Professor Telphy?

- "Professor"?
- Yeah.

W-what is happening right now?
Why are you here?

I came out to the Club Fair to
pick up some high-interest,

low-limit credit-card applications

so I could purchase a pair of silk boots

I saw your father wear once.

Mm.

Okay, ignoring that.

Charlie, why are you physically present,

here, today, at this college.

Oh! I'm an adjunct
professor in marketing...

Teach a class from : to : a.m.

Who takes classes that late?

Mostly chronic insomniacs

and recovering
methamphetamine addicts...

who wanna get into marketing.

Well, how do you do that
and work at Stevens & Lido?

So with the Sleep Ease
pillow... [Snoring]

you can sleep through anything.

Outstanding work, Charles.

The most important part is
that I'm legally allowed

to be here.

And I can use the showers.

- Stacy: Zoey!
- Miriam! Hey!

Okay, well, we gotta go.

All right, hey, well, let me know

if you're interested in the BSU.

Both: Oh, so interested.

Or if you wanna take a : a.m. class

on brand strategy with a
bunch of retired prostitutes.

I'm her dad's boss.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

Guys, girls, hims, hers.

Theys.

So for the fall,
you can find your roommate

on the official housing
list we just posted.

Oh, we should see what
dorm we're living in.

Maybe we could be roomies in the fall.

And if not, we can find our assigned
roommates and bully them into switching

- because we have to live together.
- Oh, my God.

I was thinking the same thing.
I love bullying.

I will pretend to have anger issues,

and you tell them you have IBS.

[Chuckles softly]

Were you really serious
about joining the BSU?

I don't know. But I was very
serious about how cute he was.

- He was so cute.
- Oh, my God.

But I'm looking at this campus catalog

and the BSU meets, like,
three times a year.

Ugh! That's basically a cult.

[Scoffs] No, thank you.

Here I am.

Prepare to be body-shamed
into a room transfer...

Kristin Papadakas.

- [Both laughing]
- Wait.

Ooh. Uh...

Stacy, hey! I don't see my name.

Stacey: Don't worry...
As long as your parents

turned in your housing form on time,

you'll be fine.

Zoey: And with those simple words,

I immediately knew...

Bow! I'm stuck!

I don't wanna die like this!

Please, God, not like this!

[Chuckles] ...I absolutely did not

have housing.

Yes, I'm sure, Mom.

My name is not on here!

- Rainbow: Zoey, calm down! Okay?
- What?

I'm sure it's just a simple mistake.

It is not a simple mistake.
This is that r*cist BS.

Shut... Dre!

Are you sure you sent in
Zoey's housing forms?

- Don't do this, Bow.
- What?

Not right now, okay?

Because this is about Zoey
learning an important lesson

that this is how we're
treated in the real world!

Okay, no... Right, you're right.
Now, are you sure that

you... handled it though?

Yes, would you like me to
walk you through the steps?

- Very much, I would.
- Okay.

Dre: I got the paperwork...

Housing application.

Filled it out... No!

Put it in an envelope,

put a stamp on it,

and was headed to the Post Office.

Wha...?

The McRib?

And I know I dropped it
off at the Post Office

because it was the same day
the McRib came... back.

- Hmm.
- Oh, my God.

♪

- But it was the McRib, Bow!
- Oh, wha...

- The McRib!
- What?

It disappears and
reappears when it wants,

- like Pops!
- Zoey: Okay, great.

I'm sure the Housing Department
will accept that

as a reasonable answer.

I'll just tell them the McRib was back!

I'll handle this myself, thanks.

Thanks for nothing.

♪

- Schock.
- [Door closes]

We've got a real problem.

You're supposed to call the
president, "President."

[Sighs] Okay. We've got a real problem.

You're not gonna say it, are you?

[Sighs]

We may have a meningitis outbreak.

Why does that concern me?

You mean beside the fact

that you're president of the University

and everyone in the East
Dorm may need a spinal tap?

Will these spinal tapees
help me get $ mil

for the new aquatic center, huh?

I-I don't think it works like that.

Well, Parker, what would
you do in this situation?

Oh, wh... What would I do?

Yes.

You mean, if the search committee had

placed value on my years of academic

and administrative
experience with students

rather than your rocky tenure
as C.E.O. of Koo Koo Roo?

I'll have you know,
people loved our mac 'n' cheese.

Loved it.

My idea. Yeah.

Well, I asked one of the students

- to meet me here so...
- What?

- You did what?
- Yeah.

So you could hear them complain

about the improvements they
want made to Hawkins Hall.

- Hawkins?
- It's the black dorm.

We have a black dorm here on campus?!

It was in the -page
report about campus life

I was forced to write for you.

Please, just summarize it.

Well, uh, unofficially,
the students have formed

a Black dorm, an Asian dorm,
a Jewish dorm, a Muslim dorm,

a little person's dorm...

Well, that's actually
more of a bungalow.

That's segregation!

Why don't we just burn
the endowment now?

I can't have investors thinking

they're investing in "La La Land"

and then three seconds later,
it's "Moonlight".

- Quite a snafoo.
- [Knocking on door]

President Schock,
I have a student out here

who wants to see you
both about her housing.

Dean Parker: Okay, she must
be the Hawkins Hall student.

Uh, send her in.

We need to nip this in the bud, dude.

Yes. Okay.

This is Zoey Johnson.

Oh, uh... Hi.

Please have a seat, Miss Johnson.

- Okay.
- [Door closes]

[Zoey clears throat]

So...

I-I'm here to talk to
you about my housing...

I know why you're here.
He doesn't. I do.

Yes, I do.

- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, I do.

And we are going to put a stop to it.

Oh!

You're putting a stop to
me not having a place?

By "place," I think she means, "space."

As in "safe space."

It's a term the kids are using now

for a place they can "be themselves."

[Laughing] Stupid.

Or... just live?

We are not going to have a
segregated dorm, young lady.

O-okay?

That sounds right...

for legal purposes.

So now you agree?

Yes...

It feels safe to say

I am firmly against segregation.

Don't try to use reverse
psychology on me.

I'm the guy who took down
Kenny Roger's roasters.

- I'm not...
- Nice try.

- Nice catch.
- Thank you.

You're welcome. Uh...

- Then it's agreed?
- Wh... what's agreed?

Effective immediately,
we will disband Hawkins Hall.

Oh, okay. Uh... so...
So where will I live?

[Sternly] With everyone else.

Really? Oh! Okay.

That's great. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Hi. Thank you.

Zoey: I did not expect
it to go this well.

Bye.

[Door closes]

Parker, that's how you do it.

I'll be honest.

There's a good chance
she has meningitis.

So, I was k*lling it at college.

No surprise there.

Oh, hey!

How'd it go?

Great. Cool.

Yo! What are you guys doin'?

You guys wanna come check out the dorms?

- Yeah, I'd go anywhere with you.
- What?

- Huh?
- Whoa.

Uhhh, I mean...

It's... It's fine. Whatever.

Okay, well it's... Let's do it.

That way. Okay. [Sighing]

Why didn't you stop me?

I didn't want to.

It was funny.

[Migos' "Bad and Boujee" plays]

Hey!

[Rapping] ♪ Raindrop, drop top ♪

♪ Smokin' and cookin' the hotbox ♪

♪ ...on your... she a thot, thot, thot ♪

♪ Cookin' up... in the crockpot ♪

♪ We came from nothin' to somethin' ♪

♪ I don't trust nobody,
grip the trigger ♪

♪ Call up the g*ng,
and they come and get you ♪

♪ Cry me a river, give you a tissue ♪

♪ It's bad and boujee ♪

♪ Cookin' up... with an U*i ♪

This is where you live?
This is incredible.

This is the center of the diaspora.

Angela Davis, June Jordan,
James Baldwin...

Some of our best and brightest

have roamed the halls of Hawkins.

Your friends sound awesome.

My friends?

- Is she serious?
- Hold on. Hawkins?

Oh, God. This is the segregated dorm.

I wouldn't call it segregated, but...

- No, the Black dorm.
- Well, yeah.

- I guess.
- [Sighing] Oh, God.

This is what Schock was
talking about earlier.

You talked to Schock... about Hawkins?

I mean, I tried to talk to him earlier,

but they said he was
with another student.

Guess that was me.

Okay. Well, what'd he say?

He said that he, maybe,
might want to shut it down.

He said what?

[Whispering] He might
wanna shut it down.

Is she okay? Why are
you talking like this?

Shut it down.

Shut it down? Sh... What? No!

I was just gonna ask him to
get our upstairs toilet fixed.

And now he wants to close us?
This can't be... okay.

Well, what did you say?
What'd you tell him?

[Lips smack]

Oh. Okay! If I'm being honest...

I think I might've said, "great,"

and that I was "firmly
against segregation."

But, you know,
in any other circumstance,

that would've been the right answer.

Wow! You know,
when... when you showed up

with this white chick... sorry,
but you are white...

And you didn't know what the BSU was,

I could kinda tell you weren't
down, you know, I get it.

But I did not think that
you were against us.

Um, I'm Jewish,

and I've actually kissed two black dudes

- and let one do top stuff, so...
- Please stop.

Gotcha.

Okay, I-I'm so sorry.

This is all just one
big misunderstanding.

I had no idea...

[As Zoey] Of course you had no idea,

[normal voice] because
you're just some mixed chick

from, like, Encino, or...

Only my mom is mixed,
and I'm from Sherman Oaks.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

This always happens to us, right?

Schock wants to shut us down?
We'll see about that.

We're not going down
without a fight. Why?

My dad's brother knows
Al Sharpton's permist...

okay?

I'm talking about his perm guy.

The guy that hits him with the...

Makes it straight.

But we know him and he will...
We can reach him if need...

It's on, is what I'm saying.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yeah, you can, um...

leave.

If she's leaving, I'm leaving.

Well, of course you're leaving.
That was never...

You're serious? No, yeah. You gotta go.

I didn't think you were staying.

- Thanks for nothing, sellout.
- Appreciate your help, loser.

Jeez, that guy Aaron was a super bummer.

He acted like there was
nowhere else he could live.

I don't think that's
exactly what he was saying.

It's just that Hawkins
meant a lot to him.

Jeez.

I can't believe we're never
even gonna get the chance

to be roommates.

Our Drake poster was
gonna go right there.

Or Elliot, you mean.

Our Drake poster
was gonna go right there.

[Sighs] You know what?

I don't even go here yet,

and I still feel like
all of this is my fault.

Aww, it's totally not your fault.

- Well, it's a little your fault.
- What?

But you should not b*at yourself up.

I mean, maybe just a little bit,

but then you gotta get over it, girl,

'cause there's nothing you can do.

Okay.

♪ You needed me ♪

So, in less than a day,

I had already managed to lose my housing

and make all the black people
on campus hate me.

And since everything
usually works out for me,

I had no idea how I was gonna fix it.

And because things definitely
couldn't get any worse,

of course they had to get weirder.

Acronyms...

The only way human beings
can actually learn.

Fact!

And the key to marketing?

"BSMCRDF"...

Buy. Sell.

Marketing. Consumer.

Relatability. Demand.

An... [stammers]

And Files!

[Clatters] Obviously,
no questions, right?

'Cause I just did that. [Laughing]

That makes a lot of sense, Daddy,

but how do I appeal to customers

and sell products in a targeted way?

And that's a fair question, Serendipity.

You know what my answer is to that?

[Beep]

Passion.

I don't care if you don't
remember anything I say tonight.

I don't care if you can't
even remember "BSMCRDF,"

which is highly unlikely.

Remember passion.

Everyone say it with me.

- All: Passion.
- Charlie: That's right.

How do you think I
became a marketing exec

at one of the top ad agencies
in the country, huh?

You think I was qualified? No.

Think I had a résumé? What's that?

Did I have the strong recommendations

of a male exotic dancer
who happened to be dating

the big-boned, insecure
head of HR at the company?

Absolutely.

And guess what my man's stage name was?

- Pashun.
- [Class murmuring]

See how that all worked out? [Laughing]

Dipity!

What's the most important
part of your job in one word?

Hygiene?

I meant, well... [Stammering]

Yes, yes. I-I guess it is.

In your particular trade,
passion would be number two.

But for everyone else,

when it comes to marketing your product

in a targeted way...?

- All: Passion!
- Charlie: That's right.

I couldn't believe it.

Charlie was actually making sense.

You see, I was expecting
everything to be easy,

but sometimes you have to work hard.

You have to have passion.

[Rapping] ♪ !
The number, another summer ♪

So I put myself out there...

built my team...

♪ We got to fight the powers that be ♪

and convinced them

that if we put our minds to
it and stuck together,

with passion on our side,
we couldn't lose.

♪ ...fight the powers that be, come on ♪

Having separate houses
isn't segregation...

It's congregation.

We're choosing to have our own dorms

the same way some female students choose

to go to Smith or Wellesley or Barnard.

Or how some Black students choose to go

to Clark or Morehouse or Howard.

The point is, when people
come together on purpose,

it's different than when people
are forced into separation.

That coming together equals
culture, empowerment,

comfort, unity...

All the qualities that make
us proud to be Titans.

And that's why you can't
get rid of Hawkins.

♪

- [Beep]
- Uh, Barbara,

can we get security in here, please?

Wait. W-Wait, what? No.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

This is not how it was supposed to go.

I was passionate... I
was passionate, right?

And you guys were supposed
to listen and agree.

This is college.

And, God, it was supposed to be fun.

I don't even have housing.

And I don't have a
donor to foot the bill

for my saline solar-heated
aquatic center.

And I don't have the right job.

Anyway...[clears throat] thank
you very much, young lady.

We do appreciate your passion.

But you did not sell us.

[Sighing]

We have that meeting with the
Dean of Residential Life.

Wait a minute, sell...

Selling...

[Gasp] BSMCRDF!

What?

[Whispering] Definitely
meningitis. Damn it!

Your donors aren't buying

the saline solar-heated
aquatic center you're selling

because you're not marketing
it to them properly.

If you want them to be consumers,

you have to relate to their demand.

Files!

I took Professor Telphy's class, too.

Filled with prostitutes, by the way.

Um... might want to look into that?

What I'm saying is that you have

something on this campus that is unique.

The way all of these
groups come together here,

you get more than a
college experience...

You get a cultural one.

And you guys can sell that.

Foreigners love that [bleep]

I'm sorry.

[Whispering] But they do.

♪

Hmm. Selling, marketing,

foreign money.

I like it.

Parker, I can't believe

you wanted to get rid of these
culturally diverse hotbeds

of student engagement.

[Normal voice] No, no, no,
I like student engagement.

And don't touch me.

When they're talking to each other,

they're not talking to me.

And even better,

maybe they could all be talking to you.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you be our
new student cultural liaison?

Aah. Sounds like something
that might come with housing?

- I should think so.
- Wait. Really?

Okay, that's great and all,

but, you know, I'm not
really even a "joiner".

Well, then you might not
even be a student, then.

Well, that sounds like
I don't have a choice.

That's how it's supposed
to sound... good.

Then...

I'll do it?

Excellent!

Then, I will see you next year.

And if you guys could hang
your head on the way out

so people don't think
you got your way...

Hunch your shoulders,

sad face, walk out... very good.

♪ I know, I know ♪

♪ That it's taken me all
this time to say, girl ♪

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

So, yeah.

This college thing wasn't as easy

as I thought it was going to be.

But, as expected,

I still ultimately k*lled it.

And I made two new friends.

One of which I may or may
not be in love with.

I totally am.

- How was it?
- It was fine.

[Grunting] All right.

All right. Did anything happen?

- No.
- Hey...

I'm sorry about this
whole housing thing.

But you can commute from home.

I actually think I worked it out.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- How?
- I took Charlie's class.

His kickboxing class that
he teaches in the park?

[Chuckling] No.

His marketing class.

It turns out, Charlie is
actually a beloved Professor.

Okay, you know what, baby?
That's cool, that's cool.

You don't wanna tell me about
your weekend. That's fine.