06x04 - When I Grow Up (to Be a Man)

[bunniefuu]

DRE: A father can make all the
difference in his son's life.

His presence, love, and dedication

can mean all the difference

when it comes to a child
succeeding or failing.

If my dad had been there
supporting my football dreams,

there's no telling where I'd be today.

I think the Rams have a real good chance

to win the title this year.

That's your problem right there, Chip.

First, the Rams' defensive line
isn't gonna last all season,

and second, they ain't got
no ground game!

- Ground game?
- ‭Yes, ground game!

You're worried about their ground game?!

- Huh? I can't hear you!
- They held the Patriots to points!

- I can't hear you, Chip!
- Since when...

So it was important for me
to do everything I could

to make sure Jack reached
his full potential.

- [Whistle blows]
- Again!

- Come on, man.
- [Grunts]

Hey, guys, we're gonna be a while.

Find another way out of poverty.

Oh, man, come on.

- Seriously?
- [Whistle blows]

Touch the line, son.

Faster!

Finish strong! Finish strong!

All right!

Good hustle, son! Good hustle.

[Triumphant music plays]

♪

Why are you thirsty?
You've barely moved.

My throat's dry from all the yelling.

Looks like you still got
some energy to burn.

Come on. More suicides. Go!

[Sighs] Come on. That's it.

With all of our hard work, my coaching,

and Jack's natural talent,
nothing was going to stop us.

Oh, there he is.

Ha-ha!

From Sherman Oaks,
at Point Guard, Jack Johnson!

I got cut.

What?

- Oh.
- Oh, damn.

- Oh.
- What?

- Well, damn.
- What?

Jack got cut?

Yeah. Big-time.

Just like sports
to teach these young people...

life is not fair.

Man, is that true.

You guys remember when I got cut

from the field hockey team junior year?

Really? No one?

Mom, you took me on
a mother-son trip to Napa

to make me feel better?

- Oh. Oh, is that what that trip was for?
- Yeah.

I thought that trip was for

when you accidentally
wore Zoey's top to school.

- Mm. That was Ojai.
- Oh.

I needed a lot of cheering up
during high school.

Yeah, you did.

We saw a lot of California together,
me and you.

- So much.
- Okay, so what happened at tryouts?

It was terrible... for Jack.

Personally, I found it delightful.

- Here.
- What?

DIANE: Everything started out great...

but then it all fell apart.

♪

Ooh.

Gotta watch out there, little buddy.

[Whistle blows]

- Oh!
- Ooh!

Come on, guys, we can't act all
that surprised that he got cut.

I mean, Valley Glen Prep has
a monster basketball program,

and let's face it, Jack is, uh...

you know, he's...
he's small for his age.

Jack is not small.
I was his size when I was .

Um... Jack is .

Damn, he's doomed.

But don't feel bad.

Being taller than your son
is a blessing.

- It's the natural order of things.
- Yep!

I lost a lot of respect for you

when Junior got taller than you.

He's not taller than me.

- Aw, buddy.
- What?

Diane, you got any more video
of Jack getting freight-trained?

I do not, but I do have one
of a chase down block

that was [smooches] magnifique.

- Well, let's check it out.
- I'll just show you.

All right, okay, look, Jack may be
undersized for his team now,

but he is due a growth spurt.

Maybe we're not giving him enough milk.

This doesn't have anything
to do with milk.

The hell it doesn't.

He'd be dunking if all of your milk

wasn't made from... nuts.

- You're insane.
- What?

Our son is hurting, and do you
know what he needs right now?

His mother.

What he needs is a spot on the team.

The wrong kid got the height.

W-What was that?

Sorry, couldn't really hear you
from all the way up here.

♪

I'm really sorry
you didn't make the team.

Do you want to talk about it?

No, I'm good.

Okay.

We don't need to talk about it.

I can just sit here.

Y-You know...

Yes, sweetie?

I think I just want to be alone.

Of course.

Yeah.

And even if I'm not here, I'm here.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay, sweetie.

I'm so much better at this than Dre.

I felt like my son got a raw deal

with the basketball team,

so I called notorious
basketball dad LaVar Ball.

It's all he cares about.

All right, ever since he was a toddler,

he's had a basketball in his hand.

He wants it that bad.

You know what it's like
when your son loses, right?

Oh, I don't! Big Baller never lost.

We started our own basketball league.

We got our own signature shoe.

I don't know what you talking about.

Yeah. I guess you wouldn't.

Look, if you want my advice,

there's nothing you can do
to make him grow.

[Sighs]

Unless you want to rename him LaVar.

Then he could be feet tall,
could do nothing but ball.

Bye-bye.

LaVar?

This was not helpful at all.

Whatever.

Hey, Dre.

Were you talking about Jack
to your... to your cousin there?

He's not my cousin.

And how did you know
we were talking about Jack?

Well, we heard your cousin say
you can't make him grow,

so that sort of gave it away.

Don't listen to them, Dre.

Jack's pretty tall for .

He's .

[Chuckles] All right.
Black don't cr*ck, do it?

I know Jack is short
for his age, all right?

But that's no big deal, okay?

You know, a growth spurt is coming.

Ehhhh.

Yeah. Uhh.

- What?
- Nothing, nothing.

It's... It's just... how tall
do you want Jack to be?

You know, ', ' ".

[Laughter]

- ' ".
- That's funny.

That'll never happen,
and it's a damn shame

because tall people get all the breaks.

Picked first for basketball,
last for Vietnam.

STEVENS: Think about it, Dre.

A tall man in a suit

looks like he should be going
to a board meeting,

but a short man in a suit,
oh, he looks like he should be

sitting on another man's lap
with a hand up his ass.

- What?
- He's got a point, Dre.

You know, the only reason my cousin
agreed to go to prom with me

is because I was taller
than my other cousin.

- What?
- What?

I'm from a small town, guys.

It can't be that small.

Look, Dre, your son won't
just be behind socially.

How many short presidents
and CEOs have there been?

Even this job demands height.

I am so glad to meet you.
I just... Oh, wow!

The position has been filled, actually,

I'm so sorry, by, um... by that guy.

Come on in, Stretch. You're hired.

So sorry. Have you seen "Ant-Man"?

It's so good.

Not hiring short people is one
of the few discriminations

that I am still legally allowed,

so it's pretty precious to me.

Hey, Dre, that's not the worst of it.

Really?

Short men are the only people
who respect me.

Oh, my God. Jack is screwed.

STEVENS: And to think, this whole time,

you were worried how the world
would treat your son

because he's Black,

but it turns out being short
is gonna destroy him.

[Chuckles] Hilarious.

[Laughter]

I had to do something to help Jack.

Luckily, a little research

led me to a solution
for all of his problems.

Son, um, can I talk to you for a second?

[Sighs] Not now, Dad.

I'm gonna try and eat
this whole can in three bites.

The trick to pulling it off
is to not care about anything.

Son, what if I told you
I found something

that can get you back
on the basketball team?

All right, look, it's a drug.

It's called human growth hormone.

FDA-approved. It works, all right?

It can make you tall.

- Wait, what?
- Yes!

I'm gonna make our dreams come true!

Oh, thanks, Dad!

[Both laugh]

Hey.

Oh, my God. I'm so glad to see
that you're feeling better.

I am, 'cause I'm gonna be tall!

Dad's gonna give me dr*gs.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no. No, no, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

I am so much better at this than you.

- Mwah.
- Okay.

- Aha.
- No, I... No.

- Dre, get back in here.
- [Groans] Can never do nothing!

Dre, you've had some really bad ideas,

but giving Jack
the human growth hormone?

That's up there with you wanting
to open a pizza shop

that only serves the crust.

Hey, Curly's Crusty Cave
could still be a reality.

We just need the permits.

[Bleep] this city.

How could you talk to Jack
without consulting me?

- Bow, you're a doctor.
- Eh...

How are you gonna be upset with me

for trying to fix something
with medical science?

'Cause you don't know anything
about medical science.

You act as if I haven't researched this.

"How to make small boys big?"

[Alarm blaring]

♪

[Laughs nervously]

- Jack is a normal, healthy boy.
- Mm-hmm.

And I'm not giving him dr*gs

just 'cause he didn't
make the basketball team.

Okay, it's not just
about basketball, Bow.

It's about his whole life.

It could be harder
if he doesn't get taller.

Maybe it will, maybe it won't.

I used to be friends with this kid.

We called him Lil Tiny Man.

Stood ' " in his shoes.

Now, all the big kids used to
pick on him all the time.

- See?
- But it made him tougher.

See, by the time
we graduated high school,

he had everybody's respect.

See? Happy ending.

Oh, no! No, no.

To earn their respect,

he had to fight damn near
the whole neighborhood.

- Oh. Mm.
- Okay, well...

Got himself sent to jail. Now he's dead.

- You hear that, Bow?
- Yes.

Huh? If you don't write him
a prescription,

he is going to die!

- In jail!
- Okay.

Not in his sleep!

I'm not writing the prescription, Dre.

And we have no idea
what the side effects are

for a medication like this.

What side effects?

Side effects may include joint pain...

The Valley Glen team trainer's

gonna make sure my joints are A-OK.

...acne...

Okay, that was going to happen anyway.

...and increased risk of diabetes?

I'm not scared of a few sh*ts.

Oh. Okay, well, that's good

because the growth hormone
is administered with a needle.

How many needles?

Oh, just one...

[Scoffs] That's not bad.

...a day for three years.

- [Exhales sharply]
- Oh, not there.

Stomach.

Worth it.

He's not done growing.

We have no idea how tall
Jack is gonna get,

and being short
is not a medical condition.

Okay, well, tell that to every woman

who won't date a short man.

- Which is every woman.
- Mm-hmm.

No, it's not.

Have you ever dated a short man?

♪

Maybe I have a preference.

- A preference?
- Yeah.

Oh, no, you have a bias. Admit it.

I am not biased.

Yes, you are. Admit it.

I am right, and you are
a terrible person.

You are bigoted against short men.

Admit it.

I am not bigoted.

I married a short man.

Aah!

So, the listing says it's a
growth hormone meant for sheep,

but it should work for humans.

How fast can it get here?

Okay, so I'm ordering from Malta
and express shipping.

It should be here in four days.

And the site we're on
just got seized by the FBI.

- [Leaves rustle]
- What?

They should be investigating aliens,

not shutting down the legitimate
purchase of tall pills.

Jack, buddy, I know
this means a lot to you,

but being tall is not worth all this.

Easy for you to say, Mr. ' ".

I'm ' ".

But just because you're short,

that doesn't mean
that your life is gonna suck.

Just look at Kevin Hart, Prince,
Bruno Mars,

Martin Scorsese, Isaac Newton.

They're all short men
who did incredible things.

They also worked really hard.

Jack, are you gonna do that?

No, I need the dr*gs.

No, you don't.

Junior, I appreciate your concern,

but you need to let me walk my own path.

Just imagine the things I can do
if I just took the dr*gs.

That's right. I'm the damn commissioner.

You all saw this coming.

And now, with the first pick
in the NBA Draft,

the New York Knicks select
Power Forward Jack Johnson.

- [Crowd cheering]
- ♪ Make way for the king ♪

♪

I would like to demand a trade.

Yeah, you gotta take the dr*gs.

[Sighs] See that?

' ".

You're not ' ".

The tape measure doesn't lie, all right?

I'm not short. I'm ' ".

Give me the tape measure.

And let me, uh,
put a C-note on the under.

Fine, I'm not ' ", and neither is Jack,

but if there's something that
will make it easier for our son,

why don't we do it?

Aren't you the one that always said

that struggle is what made you
who you are today?

Yes.

And aren't you the one
who said that the kids

need to face adversity
so that they can be successful?

So, you're just gonna use
my actions and words against me?

Look, Jack is gonna face
challenges, but he's got us.

We're here to help him through.

Yeah, one thing you can't help him with,

and that's a prison fight.

Rest In Power, Lil Tiny Man.

Okay, you're gonna k...

Okay, so, you're right, all right?

We will not give Jack dr*gs.

- Thank you.
- JACK: Wait, what?

You're not gonna let me take the dr*gs?

You can't do that to me.

Son, all right, we talked about it,

and we agreed you just don't need them.

No, you are perfect
just the way you are.

No, I want to be tall.

- Come here. Come here.
- No, stop it.

I'm not a little kid.

I'm old enough to take dr*gs.

Ugh. I feel terrible.

I should have never gotten his hopes up.

You guys told Jack he can't
take growth hormone?

Mm-hmm.

And I thought I was
the cruel one in this family.

We're not here to break his spirit.

We... We did what we had to do.

And there's nothing wrong
with how tall he is.

This isn't just about his height.

So many of his friends
are on the basketball team.

Practices, road games,
he's gonna miss all of it.

Of course. No wonder he's so upset.

I didn't even think about that.

We should go upstairs and talk to him.

Upstairs? He's gone.

He probably went to the park.

You guys really need to tighten
up the parenting around here.

Neither of you guys are good at this.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

Put it down!

[Tape measure clatters]

♪

♪

Good sh*t, son.

Thanks.

Can we talk to you for a sec?

Hey.

I was wrong for letting you think

that taking dr*gs would
get you your life back,

because they won't.

But what will is hard work.

Michael Jordan got cut
from his high school team.

Just because you're
the smallest person on the court

doesn't mean that
you can't be the baddest.

And if that means me and you
getting up at : a.m.

to put up jumpers,
then that's what we're gonna do.

There are plenty of smaller players

who've gone on to play
at the highest level.

Son, you can do that, too.

What do you say?

No.

What?

You don't mean that, sweetheart.

Yes, I do.

Who are we kidding?

Even if I got a little taller,
it wouldn't make a difference.

The way those kids played at tryouts,

they're my age and they're dunking.

When they throw a pass, it whistles.

I can't compete at that level anymore.

- Son, competition is...
- No, Dad.

Basketball's over for me.

[Sighs]

[Grunts] Okay.

Hey, what are you doing, Pops?

Well, I figured since Jack
is giving up basketball,

you won't be needing these anymore.

- Uh... Come on.
- [Grunting]

There you go.

Deflated, just like your son's dreams.

- That's not funny, Pops.
- No.

It's hard to watch
your kid's dreams die.

I never thought Jack would

- give up basketball.
- No.

I mean, I-I never saw him
going to the NBA,

but I-I still thought
he had time to just enjoy it.

It's just so abrupt.

It's like he's... like he's
going through a breakup.

- Yeah, it's more like he's been dumped.
- Hmm.

I remember the day your dream d*ed, Dre.

Remember when that man
told you at the mall

that you couldn't sing?

Aw.

The talent scout at the mall
told me I couldn't dance.

Oh.

The man at Motown said I couldn't sing.

And that wasn't the end
of the world, was it?

No.

You moved forward, you found
something else you loved.

I know, it's sad, but it's
just a part of growing up.

Ugh. I guess you're right.

Same thing happened to me.

When I didn't make the play
in high school,

oh, my heart was so broken,

but then it sparked my interest
in modern dance.

Then when that didn't work out,
I picked up the violin.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

But that was a dead end.

And then... I took
to the potter's wheel.

Okay, Bow, when did you
fall in love with medicine?

That was after my crocheting phase.

Took me a while.

Don't worry.

- Jack will find his thing.
- Yeah.

Speaking from personal experience,

- I hope it's not poetry.
- Huh.

This fool was rhyming "sandwich"
with "Manwich,"

like they're not the same thing.

Eh...

They're not the same. Anyway.

Look, if you bothered
to read the entire poem,

you would see that
it was about apartheid!

The bread is society,
and the sauce is the injustice!

- [Door closes]
- I can never do nothing!

Hey, if you want, I'm pretty sure

I can poison the coach
and most of the team.

How's that sound, buddy?
A little poison?

Just a little poison for the team?

[Sighs] No, thanks.

Don't feel bad, man.

You just got caught up
in our quick-fix society.

You struggling in school?
There's a pill for that.

You feeling sad?
There's a pill for that.

Having trouble growing your mustache?

There's a pill for that.

Okay, it's a cream.

And for the record,
it doesn't even work.

Hey, guys.

We need to talk to Jack for a second.

Okay. Don't forget, Jack...

If you want revenge,
there's a pill for that, too.

- What?
- Oh. All right.

[Sighs] If you guys are up
here to make me feel better,

it's not gonna happen.

We understand that we can't
make you feel better, but...

we know what you're going through.

Yeah.

We've lost dreams, too.

- Mm-hmm.
- And it hurts, right?

Yeah, it sucks.

Yeah. Hold on to that.

What?

Use that pain to fuel your next dream.

And you're gonna figure out
what the next thing is.

I mean, maybe... maybe it's art.

Could be.

Or maybe it's science. Or running.

Oh. You quick.

[Chuckles]

And once you figure it out, go all in.

You know, it's weird.

I've been into basketball for so long,

I've... I've never had the chance

to think about what else I'm into.

- Yeah. And we'll help you, too.
- Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

- All right.
- All right, sweetie.

Hey, let's go downstairs,
get something to eat,

and let's talk about this.

Okay. Hey, I-I-I really love cooking.

Maybe I could be a chef.

Hey. There you go.

And drawing's pretty cool.
I could be a comic book artist.

- Yes, you totally could.
- Oh. Mm-hmm.

And I've always loved swords.

Absolutely no swords.

- What?
- No... No swor...

We...

We can look into s-swords.

- Thank you.
- Yep.

- [Sighs]
- Um...

Look here, if you want
to be a sword guy,

you can be the best damn
sword guy the world's ever seen.

Is there an NBA for swords?

I don't know.

If there isn't, we'll start one.

I hear LaVar Ball is always
looking for new opportunities.

[Chuckles]

So, what do you think?

Is poetry something
you might want to do?

Uh, I don't know.

These poems are kind of... offensive.

What? Why?

Well, I-I think most of them
are about butts.

Mm.

But the worst is the one
that compares the struggle

of apartheid in South Africa
to a sloppy joe.

Son, the bread is society,
and the sauce is injustice.

How can you not see that?

So, is the hamburger meat
White people or Black people?

You don't get poetry.

Find your own damn thing.