06x13 - Frigid Heirs

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Come on,
get in there.

Uhh!

A little short.

Aw! Nothing but pocket.

On top of the key.
Fade away.

What are you doing?

Just playing
a little spoonerball.

In the pocket is one point,

between the glasses
and face- points,

and in the mouth,
that's your -pointer.

And choking him to death,
how does that factor in?

-point bonus.

Come on. Give it a sh*t.
Give it a sh*t.

No. I'm not gonna
throw food at my father.

What about that chicken leg
last week?

Ah, excuse me,

he threw peas at me first.

Come on.
Let's see what you got.

OK, maybe just one.

OK.

OK, one more.

One more.
All right.

Ahh. No. You gotta-
you gotta arc it.

Keep your elbows in,
like that, just arc it.

There ya go.

Come on. Open up,
like that.

Almost.
OK, OK.

OK.
Oh!

Come on.

So I wasn't dreaming.

Marvelous.

Wait a second.

Where are the Dutch hookers?

Voilà.

You didn't tell me
we were having cake.

Yeah. I don't tell you about
cake early in the day anymore.

It paralyzes you.

Does not.
Oh, come on.

Remember last time you were so

distracted you
rear-ended a school bus?

OK, that was pie,
so don't rewrite history.

Ahh! This milk
couldn't be warmer.

Hey! Come on, man!

I want to see if it's cold.

She just poured it out
of the same carton.

The milk on the bottom
is colder.

No, it's not.

Obviously, you've never
been locked overnight

in a dairy storage facility!

Dad, will you stop? I
haven't worked for months,

so unless you have an extra
thousand bucks laying around

to buy us a new refrigerator,
please, just drink it.

All right, it's down.

For now.

Knock knock.
Hey, Holly.

Hey! Hey, Arthur,
you ready for bingo?

Indeed I am.
What's with the kraut?

This is my new dog shatzi.

He retired from the police
force, and I adopted him.

Police dog, huh?

Before he starts barking,
I should tell you

I have a fair amount of
contraband in my sock drawer.

Oh, don't worry, Arthur.
He's a b*mb-sniffing dog.

He's a real hero, too. I met him
when they busted my boyfriend.

So your boyfriend
was making a b*mb?

Soon-to-be ex-boyfriend,
believe you me.

OK, Arthur, are you ready?

All set.
See you kids later.

Oh, cute hat.

Thank you.

I found it in a leaf pile.

Enh!

Oh, this milk is warm.
You think it's dangerous?

Well, I don't know, but
your dad had his finger in it,

and it's the one he
works his ear with, so...

He's in my dreams.

Hey, dad, what's up?

Big news.

I was sitting next to Eleanor
melville at bingo tonight.

She's the lady who lost an eye
in a sledding accident, remember?

All right, he's goin'
in the hamper.

Dad, it's kinda late.

Could you just
get to the point?

God bless her lucky glass eye

because tonight
I won the jackpot!

Great. Take your bucks
and get outta here.

Does this look
like bucks to you?

Wow, how much is that?

, clams.

$ , ? Oh, my God!

At first I thought I'd put
it away for a rainy day,

but then I realized, I got
no mortgage, no bills to pay,

so I figured it's time for a.
Spooner to have a little fun.

Starting tomorrow,
I'm queen for a day!

Well... good for him.

What?

Did you notice anything wrong
with what just happened here?

Other than his fly being open?

No. I'm numb
to that now.

I mean the fact
that he didn't mention

giving us any of that money.

Why should he?
It's his money.

Are you kidding me, Carrie?

I mean, we spend thousands
of dollars on him.

He said it himself.

He's got no bills,
no mortgage to pay

because we pay it,

not to mention all
the food, clothing,

medicine, those clarinets.

Well, that's what you do
when a parent gets old.

I mean, he did take care of me
until I was almost... .

And, meanwhile,
since you lost your job,

we have not gotten one
thing for ourselves, not one!

Do you know every night
before I go to bed,

I look at this golf catalog,

but I can't get
anything in here.

So this means nothing to me!

The point is, I want a
titanium fairway wood,

and I want it now!

And damn it, you deserve
something, too. What do you want?

You know what we should buy
is a new refrigerator.

OK, so I'll
get the golf clubs,

and the fridge
will be your thing.

No. Why do I
get the boring thing?

Fine. Then pick something
you want.

I mean, the old fridge
is fine.

Right now, we don't need
something to keep food fresh,

we need something
to keep us fresh.

Actually,
you know what I'd love?

I'd love to go to that spa
right next door to bloomingdale's

and get, like,
a whole day of beauty.

Yes! God, you need
a day of beauty!

Hey.

You know what I mean, OK?

All right.
Well, you know what?

Tomorrow morning, I will talk to
him. I will tell him how we feel,

and I'm sure he'll
give us some of the money.

Great. All right,
thank you.

And if that doesn't
work, I'll just follow up

with a lamp
to the back of the head.

Not to k*ll him,
just to send a message.

What do you think I am?

Morning, daddy.

Darling, I think I'm ready
to make my first purchase:

The world's best
personal submarine.

What do you think?

World's best?
With no periscope?

You're smarter than that.

Speaking of that money,

it's so great to see
someone in this house

have some good luck
for a change.

It certainly is.

Lord knows Doug and I
haven't had any lately.

That's putting it mildly.

The thing is, um...

We have certainly helped you
out quite a bit over the years.

How so?

Well, we've given you food,
clothing, shelter.

Mm. I suppose you could
put that spin on it.

And we were kind of hoping

that you could help us out a
little bit, you know, money-wise.

Oh, I'd love to
be able to help.

You kids have been
like family to me.

What do you want?

Half.

I meant, what specific items
do you want to purchase?

I want golf clubs. She
wants a day of beauty.

Fair enough. I'll give
your requests some thought

and get back to you
in a day or so.

But just to show my heart's
in the right place,

how 'bout we paint the town
red tonight, my treat?

Oh, we have plans
tonight, dad.

Do you?

That's very disappointing.

Oh, you know what?
We can cancel. No problem.

Wonderful. I'll
pick you up at : .

Dress is smart casual.

Don't overthink it, dad.

That's what got you into trouble
back at the clown's mouth.

That one was close.

That one was close, too.

Be a pal.
Shove this in my eye.

OK... now!

Now!

Those blades are diabolical.

Now. Now. Now. Now!

Oh... what are the odds?

Now.

Thank God.

Last night was so brutal.

So when do we get this money?

I don't know,
but I should warn you:

He told me to
keep Saturday open

for a trip to
the American doll museum.

Family meeting!

What?

Calling a family meeting.

Grab your drinks and kindly
follow me to the dining room.

Chop chop.

Come on.

Please rise for
the pledge of allegiance.

If you choose, you may
omit the words, "under God."

Get on with it.

Fine.

First order of business,

vis-à-vis, the items
you requested yesterday,

unfortunately, no can do.

What?

Dad, you said you
wanted to help us out.

I do. I'm going to
give you $ ,

to purchase a new refrigerator.

You know, I got a better idea:

Why don't you give us $ , ,

and we'll decide what we
want to do with it, OK?

Oh, to be young and witless.

Douglas, trust me,
you don't get to my position

by throwing away money
on frivolous things.

You wanted to buy a submarine.

Hey! When the only way out of
the city is through the sewers,

you'll be begging to get in.

I hate this.

What? It's not like
we're getting nothing.

I mean, the man is buying us
a new refrigerator.

That's not the point.
Just 'cause he

stumbled onto some money
like jed clampett,

doesn't give him the right
to tell us what to do with it.

This one looks nice.

Oh, and look how big
the crispers are.

Oh...

Hey, don't knock crispers.

That's where I hide the
vegetables so they won't upset you.

Fine. You know what?

Let's just get it
and get outta here.

Oh, look! Look
it's only .

We can tell my dad it
cost the full thousand,

and then we got
bucks left to par-tay.

Hmm.

What?

Look, I really
don't feel right

about lying to my dad.

Look, we are not lying, OK?

We told him we were going to
buy a refrigerator, and we did.

The fact that we bought
it from a Queens college

student who was moving
out of his dorm,

that's our business.

Do you think he's gonna
believe that this cost $ , ?

Carrie, the man thinks I
control the TV with my voice.

Everybody wins this way,
all right?

Your dad feels
like a big sh*t,

we get a temporary fridge
for bucks,

and with the leftover change, new golf
clubs and a day at the spa for you.

Oh, look at this.
Kenny's mom made meat loaf.

Mine now.

Hey, dad.
How was your walk?

Not so good.

Turns out the double-Dutch kids
don't appreciate heckling.

Is this the new refrigerator?

Yeah.

It's magnificent!

Amazing how small they
can make things these days.

God bless those Japanese.

That was great today.

We were hittin' 'em
pretty hard, huh?

Oh, but you like it rough,
don't ya?

Oh, yes, you doo-be
doo-be doo!

I am back from the spa.

How do I look?

Fantastic.

Soon as I'm done fondling
my new club, you're next.

My massage was amazing.

I had this
Russian guy-uri.

He had these huge hands, and
he found every knot in my body.

Not a whole lot
of yap yap, you know?

Just every couple of "is good?

Is good?"

By the way, that's
all you need to say

when we're,
you know, upstairs.

So no more mighty mouse theme?

So, those the new clubs?

Yeah. They're awesome.

Look at the size
of that driver.

It's as big as a baby's head.

Yeah. It's beautiful.
You deserve 'em.

Yeah, um...

The only problem is, uh...

I got these great new woods,

but I still have the
same old crappy irons.

They're fine.

No, they're not.
I mean, it's--

it's like if you
got a day of beauty

for only half your face,

and they left the other
side lookin' all...

Tired and yellow.

What are you gettin' at
here, Doug?

Just maybe we could ask
your dad for some more money

so I could
complete my set here.

What? We can't
scam him again.

It's a few hundred.
That's not even a scam.

That's pullin' a fast one.

Doug, believe me, don't think
I haven't thought about it, OK?

They sell this thing
at the spa

that turns your bathtub
into a whirlpool.

You don't think
I would k*ll for that?

But lying to him again
is just wrong.

Wrong...

Or very right?

Wrong.

Get out of here.
I'm naked.

Why is that water bubbling?

Um...

It's really hot?

I cannot believe you!

After you give me that whole
speech on how wrong this is,

you go out and buy this?!

But it bubbles.

How could you?

It's just that your
golf clubs are forever,

and my spa day is gone,

so I figured, it's
only fair, you know?

How did you get your dad
to give you the money?

Well, you know how our
clock radio's been broken?

Gave me $ to get a new one.

? I got that free when I
ordered sports illustrated.

Hey, I was only
sh**ting for ,

but then he started
talking about transistors

and how clever
those Japanese are.

I just went with it.

And you made me feel bad
about wanting more?

Oh, it's on, baby.

Where are you going?

Oh, we got a house full
of appliances,

and one's about to go down.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Doug, no!
Not the DVD player!

Carrie, this is a
machine that uses

lasers to play movies
from shiny disks.

I could tell him
it cost a million dollars.

Doug, no!
This has to stop.

Why should it stop, Carrie?

What, am I b*ating you
to the punch?

What, you got your eye on something
that'll make the toilet bubble, too?

Yeah?

Shh! Holly's here.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Hi.

Hey, hey.
Yeah, go ahead.

$ ? I don't have
that kind of money.

Oh, this isn't good.

What? What?

She needs money.

And who do you think she's
gonna try to get it from? My dad.

What do you care? You said you
were done getting money from him.

Not if she's gonna
get it instead.

If someone
is gonna scam my dad,

it should at least be
someone who loves him.

What does she need
the money for anyway?

She finally got that bill

for that blonde they
pumped into her hair?

Don't worry. Your dad probably
won't give her the money anyway.

Oh, he will, the way
she kisses his butt.

"Oh, Arthur, you look
so cute in that hat."

You saw him. He looked
like a -year-old gilligan.

By the way,
so does the real gilligan.

All right, you know what?

Just break the frickin' thing.

We've gotta get that money.
All right, now,

I'm gonna get the money,
and you keep Holly busy, OK?

All right, come on.
Hurry up! Hurry up!

All right.

Uh-huh. OK, well, I'll just
try to figure something out

and I'll get back to you.

Thanks.

Hey, what you got there...

Sweater?

Sweaters are great,

but, ironically, they don't
handle sweat that well.

They're very warm, though.

What's wrong?

My new dog shatzi
needs an operation,

and I can't afford it.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Turns out, all the stress
from working on the b*mb squad

weakened his heart,

and now there's some
kind of valve ripping,

and if he doesn't
get the operation,

he's gonna be in so much pain,

they're gonna put him down.

Well, he had a good run.
He...

Had a full life.

He's .

Yeah, but that's
in human years.

That's when I
started fallin' apart.

And the sad thing is,
he doesn't even know it.

You know, he's just
this sweet lovable guy

who just wants to
kiss you and be with you.

I mean, he spent his
entire life saving people.

And now there's no one
there to save him.

We gotta give
the money to Holly.

What?! Why?!

Because if we don't,
we're gonna spend

eternity swimming
in a lake of fire.

Both of us?

Give me this.

Hey... dad?

What's up?

Guess what.

I won at bingo again.

Really?
How much?

bucks.

Family meeting. Chop chop.