06x14 - Switch Sitters

[bunniefuu]

Hey, do you know
where the scissors are?

Doug, we have lived in
this house for years, ok?

The scissors have always
been in the same place,

and yet you continue to
ask me where they are.

Not to mention the spatula,
the pot holders, the pens.

Well, I'll tell you
something, honey.

I have been a tour guide in
my own kitchen long enough.

Too many precious
moments have been wasted

showing you where things are!

Just learn! Learn!

I mean, what if I d*ed?

How would you flip a pancake?

How would you-- how would you
ever cut anything ever again?

Would you
just sit here weeping

and soiling yourself until
somebody came in to help you?

No, you wouldn't.
You would...

Remember where something is.

Yeah. So come on,
honey. Please.

Just this once.

Find where the scissors are.

Find 'em.
Go ahead, baby.

Go get 'em.

Go ahead.

- I got 'em.
- You got 'em.

You got 'em.
Now, was that so hard?

- Not really, no.
- OK.

What do you need now?

Tape.

Well, hey, major,
whatcha got there?

I made you a Valentine,
aunt Carrie.

Oh, that is so sweet...

And out of my jury summons.

OK. I will put it right here

next to my snowflake
mortgage payment.

What's that?

This is coffee, baby.

I want some.
Coffee! Coffee!

Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, baby.

No, no, no.
This is a grown-up drink,

just like the big vodka
I'm gonna have

after your parents
pick you up.

Doug. He has
my lipstick again.

I told you to hide those.

I do, but he finds them.

Hey, whatcha-whatcha
got there, Kirb?

Apricot shimmer.

OK.

Do you think it's pretty?

I think it's, uh, pretty great
as a m*ssile on our battleship.

Look at that. Fire one!

Blood, guts, death.

Man things.

- Hey, y'all.
- Hey.

Boys behave themselves?

Oh, yeah.
They were fine.

Bubblegum went right
into the carpet.

Anyway, it's ok.

He didn't try to put on
lipstick again, did he?

In his defense, it is pretty.

Listen, we really appreciate
you guys taking the boys again.

Yeah, I'll tell you.

Having some alone time
once a week

has been huge for me and Kel.

Oh, please. We're
happy to help out.

Yeah, plus, once a week,

we get to be
the kind of family

that you usually
only see on TV.

Do that thing I taught you.

What you talking
about, Douglas?

The kid's a machine.

We really owe you guys.
Yeah.

Darling, I need to borrow
some bronzing cream,

an overnight bag,
and a major credit card.

What for, dad?

That's my personal business!

OK. You want
to help us out?

Take that guy off our
hands once in a while.

Got to throw you
a big fat "no" on that one.

Thanks again, you guys.

Bye!

Night.
Bye-bye.

What are you doing?

Apparently, somebody didn't
like his macaroni and cheese,

so he hid it
in the change jar.

Actually, I think that was your
dad. I saw him in that area.

Oy.

Uh, speaking of your dad,

I was thinking about what you
said before to Deacon and Kelly.

What?

That thing about maybe them taking
him off our hands once in a while.

I was kidding.

I know you were
kidding, but...

Think about it for a second.

I mean, we watch Kirby
and major all the time, right?

They're children.

So? We don't
have any children.

We have a crazy old man.

I mean, why does society

say that baby-sitting
is normal,

but old-people-sitting,
that's taboo?

Huh.

See what I'm saying?

I never thought of it
that way before,

but you may be on to
something here, butch.

Thank you.

I mean, how different is my
father from a child, anyway?

I mean, he acts out.

He screams when
he doesn't get his way.

When it thunders,
he climbs into bed with us.

You know something?

We deserve some alone time

just as much
as Deacon and Kelly.

Our marriage
isn't perfect, either.

Far from it.

I mean, sometimes I wake up

and I just wanna
run away from you.

I feel the same way!

Of course you do!

And you know what?
It's not just about

us baby-sitting
major and Kirby.

I mean, what about
all the other things?

The-the birthday parties

and all the school plays
we had to suffer through.

Meanwhile,
have Deacon and Kelly

ever been to one
of Arthur's things?

No!

When he got
his swimming certificate-

and how about when he was in that
senior center production of cats?

Where were they?
Too busy.

Ooh, that was rough.

Remember when that one cat
broke her hip during memories?

OK. The point is
we present Deacon and Kelly

with a very reasonable request,
and what do we get back?

Gotta throw you a big
fat "no" on that one.

Yeah! I'll tell you
one thing.

This is happening, friend.

Oh, I know it's happening.

You don't have to tell me
it's happening, friend!

We're not mad at
each other here, right?

No.
Good.

'Cause I got a little
lost there for a second.

OK. They
just pulled up.

OK. It's showtime.

Dad? Could you come
up here for a minute?

All right, kids. Come
on. Parents are here.

Doug, help them get packed
up. OK. You know what, Kirb?

Why don't you get g.I. Joe out of
that blouse and back into his khakis?

Time for dinner?

Uh, not exactly.

It's just you haven't
fed me since breakfast,

and I'm starting to hear
a low-pitched hum.

You will be eating in no time.

Hey. How you doing?

How was your afternoon?

You get some
good alone time in?

It was great. We spent the whole day

at the modern museum of art.

Ouch.

So, uh, where you headed now?

We're gonna take the kids
to this new Italian place.

Oh, you know, that's
right. Kirby mentioned that.

You know
who loves Italian food?

Arthur, you love
Italian food, don't you?

I'd eat anything
at this point.

Just end this experiment.

Hey! Crazy idea.

You love Italian food.

You're going to an Italian restaurant.

Maybe Deacon and Kelly
can give you a lift.

Heck.
While you're there,

why don't you guys
just sit together,

ok? Would ya,
could ya?

What-
what can I say?

Sounds like a thumbs up to me.

OK. Well,
have a good time.

Here you go. Glad this worked out.

Go on, dad.
Have a good time.

Go ahead.
Skedoodle.

And you behave yourself.

I want a good report on you.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, Kel, one second.

Here are his pills
and his doctor's number

and a list of foods
he can't eat.

Don't let him
order anything spicy.

Thanks.

OK. Tub's ready.

Sweet.

We got the house to ourselves.

Time to get a little clean...

And a little dirty.

So, uh, who should,
uh, get in first?

Um, I'm thinking you.

All right.

All right.
Come on in.

Well, all righty.

OK.
This is nice.

Yeah.

All right. Let's
get down to business.

Wait wait.
Wait. You gotta-

watch your knee, honey.

OK. Sorry.

That's the hot water!
Turn it off!

Would you hurry up?!

OK! I'm not used
to using my foot as a hand!

That's the wrong way!

I know that now!

It's scalding me!

Save yourself!

So, after we eat,
what's on tap?

A jazz club?

Amateur night at the Apollo?

Again, miniature golf.

Wonderful.

I think we're ready to order.

OK. What can I
get you folks?

The boys will have ravioli,

and I would love a house salad

and a spinach lasagna.

Same for me.
How about you, Arthur?

I think I'll try the
spicy sausage with peppers.

Uh, Arthur...

What's the matter?

Well, Carrie said he's not
supposed to have anything spicy.

Oh. Hey, why don't you
order something else?

Very well.

I will have...

The spicy sausage
with peppers.

Arthur.

Well, it was worth a try.

Seriously, uh,

bring me the spicy sausage
with peppers, will you?

Would you stop?

I'm a grown man!

Why can't I have what I want?

Because you can't!

You know, instead
of giving me grief,

I would think you would be more upset

about why we have been
seated next to the kitchen!

Is it because we're black?!

Just get what you want.

Thank you.

How's the spicy sausage
with peppers?

How's his stomach...
Et cetera?

I can't believe they
let him have spicy food.

Are you ok?

Talk to me, baby.

Carrie, I saw
things down there

that no man should ever see.

I know. I know. You just
gotta put it out of your mind.

I can't.

Can I have
some more milk of magnesia?

I'm starting
to percolate again.

Bringing it right down, dad.

No!

I will not let my
daughter see me like this.

Send Douglas.

Hey, come on in.

Hey. I know
it's pretty short notice

to dump the kids on you again,

but these Beyonce tickets
just fell into our lap.

Nothing like a Beyonce concert

to keep a marriage strong.

We do the same thing with
monster truck rallies.

Hey, thanks for taking
my dad off our hands

on Saturday night.

Oh, don't be silly. We had
a great time. Right, babe?

He's something.

Yeah, the only thing is, and
maybe you guys just forgot,

uh, but you let him
have spicy food,

and, well, we were up
with him all night.

Yeah. Um...

We told him that
he couldn't have it,

and, you know, he made a big
scene and started yelling, so-

so... you just
let him yell.

Didn't really wanna do that
in a crowded restaurant.

And I could understand that, Kell,

um, I do.

But it's just that
when major and Kirby

are yelling for stuff,
which they do a lot,

um, we can also just
forget the rules

and say, "sure, you can use
that drill to play dentist,"

but we don't.

You know what?

Next time he yells, just
give him a piece of Taffy.

That'll buy you minutes.

Next time?

Yeah. We're taking your kids this
time, next time, you take Arthur.

Right.

It is right.

You know what?
We should probably go

if we're gonna
make that show, so--

OK.

You two take it easy.

We'll see you in a few hours.

Be good.

All right, I'm gonna
get the burgers going,

and you guys just
pick out a video, ok?

OK.
OK.

Did you catch the
attitude coming from them?

Hard to miss.

You know what I think?

I don't think
they just let my dad

have spicy food
because he was yelling.

They wanted him to have it.

They figured they'd
make it so tough on us

that we wouldn't ask
them to take Arthur again.

Right! And meanwhile, we're
so good with their kids.

We're freakin' great.

Aunt Carrie?
What is it now?

Can I have some
mayonnaise on my hamburger?

Yes, you can have
mayonnaise on your hamburger.

Can we have coffee, too?

No, sweetie.
Remember I told you--

Coffee! Coffee!
Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

OK. Go get me your sippy cups.
Hurry up.

All right!
All right.

Settle down.

What is it with you guys?

Aunt Carrie gave us coffee.

Coffee! Coffee!
Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

Here you go.

What does "caliente" mean?

It means "delicious."

Hmm.

"And then, eyes
widening in horror,

"he saw the word redrum

"reflecting dimly
from the glass dome

"now reflected twice.

"And he saw that
it spelled m*rder.

Danny torrance screamed
in wretched terror."

Aah!

Look what they bought me
at radio shack!

Are we gonna
do anything tonight?

Oh, yeah. We're
gonna do something.

Just don't know
what yet, babe.

But it will be good.

All right.
So, what do you got?

Wanna do the coffee
thing again?

OK. That is
so weeks ago.

Douglas! Did you borrow
my argyle socks?

No.

Your feet are sizes
bigger than mine.

I can't believe they
bought him a megaphone.

Well, when we sent them
home with that ferret,

we knew they'd come
back at us pretty hard.

Oh, man. This thing's getting crazy.

Maybe we should just
be the bigger couple

and stop asking them
to take Arthur.

What?!

And give up our alone time?

Honey, are you really
enjoying it that much?

It is what it is, you know,

but that's not the point!

OK? There is
a principle here.

We can't just give up
when we know we're right.

Update on the socks.

They were in the dryer
the whole time.

All right, if we're
gonna keep doing this,

then we gotta go for
a knockout punch.

OK? Something they
can't get up from.

OK.

I'll get it.

Hey!
How's it going?

We're here for our children.

Hi, mom.
Hi, dad.

Hi, baby.

Hey, bud.
How you doin'?

You doin' all right?
Cool. All right.

Um... where's
your brother?

I don't know. Kirby? I
think he scampered upstairs.

We haven't
seen him in a while.

Kirby?
Kirby?

Kirby?!
Kirby!

Check the bedroom!

Right by the makeup.

Oh, my god! He looks
like Liza minelli!

I think we all know
why we're here.

I think we do.

This whole thing
has gotten way out of hand,

and it's hurting
the people we love.

Well, look, we didn't
mean to hurt anybody,

but you guys started it

when you gave
my dad spicy food.

And you ended it by giving
my kid an extreme makeover.

The point is you're
the kids' godparents

and they love
spending time with you,

so we wanna work this out.

We wanna work it out, too,

but it has to work out for all of us.

I agree.

So we have come up

with what we think is a
very reasonable proposal.

Lay it on us.

You keep taking the kids,

we stop taking Arthur,

but... when
the four of us go out,

we pick up
out of every checks.

And that beanbag chair in
our place that Doug likes,

it's all yours.

That chair was leaking
beans last time I saw it.

I'll patch it up.

No. This has to be
about you taking Arthur.

Yeah, and just as much
as we take the kids.

That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous?

You guys have a good evening.

Wait. Take it easy.
Take it easy. Come on.

Sit down.

All right, we'll take Arthur,

but it can't be as much
as you take the kids.

It's just too weird.

Well, how often? How
many times a month?

OK.

Oh, come on. It was
just an opening figure.

It's a one
with a question mark.

All right.

Maybe we can take him
or times a month,

but he's just so crazy.

I don't know why he's so
crazy when you get him.

He does take his blue
pill at : every day.

Well, it ain't doin' the job.

OK, look.
How about this?

If we take him,
you gotta give him

more than one pill.

Well, how many more
are we talking here?

That many?
That'll k*ll him!

We don't know that.

How about we bump it up to ?

And a sh*t of cough syrup.

Done.

So we're back in the
best friends business?

I think so.

I'm glad we got this over with,
'cause you two fight ghetto.

You started with the--

Just so you know,

we are very aware
you're talking about us,

and we don't appreciate it.

To show my displeasure,

I've polished off a full platter
of the spicy garlic shrimp.

You've got minutes.

Hey, you guys. Hey, honey,
Doug and Carrie are here.

How was the movie?

- Great. How'd things go with my dad?
- Oh, great.

Here's the little fella.

He fell asleep
during Scarface.

Aw.

OK. We'll just put him in
his pajamas when we get home.