06x16 - Damned Yanky

[bunniefuu]

Doug, looking at your
watch every seconds

is not gonna make the
Chinese food come any faster.

You hate that
that just rang, don't you?

Oh!

You could not smell better.

All right, what's the damage?

. .

All right.

Carrie, can you
get your purse?

'Cause I'm out of cash.

I don't have any cash.

I thought you went to the ATM.

I thought you went to the ATM.

You, uh, take credit cards?

No. This is not happening.

All right, you stay there.

Don't take her away.

Uh, what are you doing?

I'm lookin' for money.

When was the last time you
dropped . under the cushions?

When is the last time you
got off your ass and helped?

Maybe he'll take
something else,

like a trade or something.

That's a good idea.
That's a good idea.

All right.

What are you doing?

Don't you worry
what I'm doing.

You just get the forks.

Maybe you pay me next time.

Oh. OK.

Thanks.

I knew Chinese food
way before I knew you.

Doug, did you notice
that we have

bottles of shampoo in the
shower that are all empty?

Yeah, I saw that.

If you saw that, how come
you didn't throw them away?

Uh, 'cause I wanted to give
you the chance to see 'em

so we could have
this fun conversation.

Just take them
to the recycler, OK?

Take the garbage out, too.

I got a sharp pain
in my side this morning.

OK, Doug, do you really
want to play this card

to get out of a -foot walk
to the garbage can?

'Cause there's
a cat show coming up--

OK! All right!

Ahhh, it's hurting.

I'm feelin' it.
I'm feelin' it.

Uh-huh.

Oh, God!

OK, Doug, lying in garbage,

that's real mature.

Oh, I like the tuna can hat.

That's a good look.

Now get up, Doug.

Doug?

Dr. Garcia,
how is he?

He's gonna be fine.

Luckily his appendix
hadn't burst yet,

and we got it out
just in time.

Oh, thank God.

Listen, he wanted me

to bring it home
for him in a jar.

If that's a problem,

you could just put
a radish in there.

He won't know the difference.

Anyway, I'm just gonna
need him back here next week

to take the stitches out.

OK. Can I see him?

Sure. He's probably
still sleeping

the anesthesia off.

If you need anything,
just buzz Candace.

OK. Thank you.

Doug?

Sweetie?

The doctor said you're
gonna be fine, honey.

Ohh.

I feel awful about this.

I know I should
have believed you

when you said
you were in pain.

It's just that...
You lie to me so much.

Will you ever forgive me?

Yeah...

Candace.

Candace the nurse?

Honey, you want me
to get the nurse for you?

So hot, Candace.

Doug, it's Carrie.

Laura...

That's good, Inez.

That tickles.

Aw, come on, Jenna.

Yeah...

That's it, Car...

Come on, Car...

...roline.

OK.

Carrie!

Carrie, is lunch ready?!

Sure, you know my name

when you want food.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

This band-aid's
been itching me.

Let me get that for ya.

Ow!

What are you doin?!

Well, you were
just pickin' at it

like a little girl, OK?

It was annoying.

You've been snapping
at me all day.

What's up?

Why don't you ask Inez
what's up?

Inez? You mean the girl
from lenscrafters?

You tell me.

What are you talking about?

OK. Well, while you were in
the hospital after the surgery,

when you were sleeping, you were
moaning all these girls' names.

What?
Yeah.

"Oh, Candace!

"Oh, Inez!

Ooh, Tanya."

Sickening.

No, those weren't girls.

I was having a dream
where I was helping someone

name a litter of puppies.

Oh.

Well, apparently puppies
named Britney and Christina

were making out with you
in a limo.

That's 'cause I had treats
in my pocket.

I- fine. Look,

maybe I was having
some kind of crazy dream,

but you-you know
I love you!

You know I'm totally
attracted to you.

It's just, like any guy,

once in a while a...

Image of another woman
just pops into my head,

for, like, a second!

But you're m'lady.
You're m'hon-ay.

Oh, that's funny,

'cause your hon-ay's
name didn't come up.

Yeah. There was a car...

Roline...

And, uh, a car...

Washgirl,

but no "Carrie."

That's 'cause I don't need
to fantasize about you, OK?

You're the living fantasy

that I'm honored
to share my--

oh, would you shut up?

Look, I know it's
normal, OK? But, I mean,

there I was in the hospital
room feeling sorry for you,

and the next thing I know,

you're fantasizing
about cheating on me

with all these skanks!

It hurts!

I wasn't cheating, OK?

Doug, we're married, OK?

I'm your wife, and you're doing
stuff in your head with them.

How is that not cheating?

It's just not.
How?

You're not...

There.

I'm not there. What,
I'm not in the room?

I'm not in the country, what?

You're not...

Alive.

OK, so let me
get this straight.

In your fantasies,
you k*ll me?

No. No, I don't.

It's the rare disease
that kills you.

Or the bolt of lightning.

Definitely not me.

Ow! That wasn't ready
to come off yet!

I can't believe
what I'm hearing here!

Let me explain, OK?

Please, Doug.
Explain to me

why I shouldn't be upset
that you want me dead!

Look, I don't want
you dead, all right?

You got it all wrong.
I mean...

The truth is,

I love you so much

that I could never even
imagine cheating on you,

so the only way I can
have any fantasies at all

is if you're...

Up there.

So to avoid
the guilt of adultery,

you choose m*rder?

Again, not m*rder.

In my fantasies,

you're always taken
from me tragically.

I'm devastated.

I give myself years
to grieve.

After that,

even your friends are like,
"you gotta move on."

And would one of
those friends be Lisa,

my friend you're
always checking out?

She may be one of
those consoling me, yes.

And do you end up
sleeping with her?

God sakes, it's been years!

Oh, my God! OK.

So what I'm getting here

is I'm electrocuted

and you're boffing my friends.

No, no, it's usually
not your friends!

That's not typical at all.

What is typical, Doug?
Ohh!

Do you really
wanna open this box?

Yes, I think I do.

All right, fine.

Like...

I'm in the park,

grieving...

Just trying to heal,

trying to quiet
the endless scream

in my soul...

When a chick in a sports bra
comes over to me.

Uh-huh.
But it's innocent, you know?

We just start talking,

and then I introduce
her to Bobby.

Who's Bobby?
He's our son.

We have a son?!

He's the part of you
that lives on.

All right, I don't
wanna hear any more.

Wait! You know what? There's
a lot of judging me here.

What about you?

You know, you fantasize
about other men, right?

Yeah, occasionally. I'm
definitely gonna step it up now!

I'm serious. Like,
when you and Keanu

are getting it on, where am I?

What do you do with me?

You're around!

I'm just cheating on you.

I'm not pushing you
down a flight of stairs!

I don't push you down stairs!

You trip
on Bobby's skateboard!

Oh, bite me!

Well, I certainly see
where he gets his mouth from!

What are these?

These are the sex fantasies
you're allowed to have.

You...

Wrote fantasies for me? Yeah.

Look, I know I got upset
last night, OK?

People fantasize.
I get it,

but I just...

Can't let you k*ll me anymore.

It's just not right.

That doesn't mean

you can write
fantasies for me.

You're my wife!
So?

So?

Do I let my cardiologist
order for me

at der wienerschnitzel?

Well, Doug, I happen
to have provided you

with alternatives I think

are quite sensuous.

OK, see, "sensuous"

is a red flag already,
right there.

Let's see
what you got, though.

Oh, boy.

"You are alone.

"Carrie is away
on a business trip

for Vogue magazine."

"You go to a florist
to buy Carrie flowers.

The florist
reminds you of Carrie."

OK, first note:

Little too much Carrie.

All right, that
was my first one.

They get better.
Keep going.

"You follow
a trail of rose petals

to a canopied bed."

"You ride a horse
across a field..."

OK, I'm pretty sure this one
was a Dharma and Greg.

Doug, come on!

I worked hard on these, OK?

The least you can do
is have an open mind.

This is crazy!
I mean, look at this!

I- I'm on a horse.

I'm biking
through wine country.

Why I am so active?

Do you know
in my own fantasies,

I rarely get out of a chair?

Look,

these are your fantasies
now, OK?

And you better
start using them,

'cause if I find out I'm dead,

you're dead.

"You take her hand in yours

"as the gondolier
looks discreetly away.

"You stroke her hair

and she whispers,
amore."

Damn!

Ohh!

Oh, it gets better. I'm
about to pick up a mandolin

and start singing.

Hey, if these Carrie fantasies

aren't quite working for you,

maybe you could have
your mom fire off a few.

You guys are funny.
Laugh it up, you know?

But Carrie's
making me do these.

Making you?
How's Carrie gonna know

what you're fantasizing about?

She knows things, OK?

I mean, how did
she know I was the one

who got Russian dressing
on our wedding album?

I think a lot of people
could've connected those dots.

That's not even the point.
All right?

Look, Carrie's feelings
were really hurt about this.

I just can't blow her off.

All right?
I feel too guilty.

Some of these aren't that bad.

Hey, this one's got
her nail girl Tina in it.

She's pretty hot.

All right.
Good luck with that.

I'm gonna hit it.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, can I, uh,
borrow this one?

Which?

The one with, uh,
Meredith Baxter-birney.

I'll get it back
to you when I'm done.

My gift to you.

Thank you.

Oh, and if anything
with Judith light

comes across your desk, uh,

sh**t it my way, will ya?

All right, Tina,

let's see what you got.

Oh, Doug,
I'm glad you're here.

Can you pay Tina?

I'm meeting Donna karan.

We're gonna play darts
at Calvin klein's place.

Oh. Sure.

Great. Thanks.

Oh, and I won't be back
for a few hours. OK?

Ahem.

Whoops. I...

Seem to have forgotten my wallet. I--

I don't know how
I'm gonna pay you.

Well, that's very bad news.

Is there any other way

we could, uh, work this out?

I'm sure we can think
of something.

Uh...

What's the matter?

It's just...

My wife.

She said she won't
be back for hours.

Right.

Ohh, I-I can't-
I-I-look, I-I--

I just need a minute here.

Oh, my God!
What was that?

My wife. She's dead.

Now where were we?

I thought you said you
weren't going to k*ll me!

I didn't mean to!

Well, you know what?
We had a deal.

Now your little party's
over, buddy.

Out.

Out! Look to me. Out.

Who's back there?

Nobody.

Who are they?!

My friends?

These--

these are the women
you fantasize about.

These are your regulars!

Actually, she's not a regular.

I saw her on a billboard
this morning.

All right, well, you know
what? Let's go, ladies.

Out. Let's go.

Party's over.
Time to go.

Let's go, hee haw.

Oh, uh-huh.
Nice. Yeah.

You, too, food court.

I see ya. I see ya.

Uh-huh. Oh,
there's sports bra.

That's nice, yeah.

Village people
make a comeback? OK.

That's great.

Is that one of
your mom's friends?

You're sick!

Get out of my brain.

What are you talking about?

I tried one of
your little fantasies.

It didn't work, and now
that you're in here,

none of my old fantasies
work either.

You chased everyone away!

Look, I just don't
want you to k*ll me.

I don't think
that's too much to ask!

I am tired
of apologizing for this.

k*lling off your spouse
in your fantasies

is the most natural,
beautiful thing in the world!

Why can't you see that?

Hey, Doug. How are
those stitches doing?

Oh, they're, uh-
they're good.

He hasn't been biting
at 'em, has he?

No.

Just a couple of minutes
to get 'em out.

And while you wait, you can
enjoy a very old People magazine.

Oh! OK.

Bye.

Mrs. Heffernan?

I'm afraid the stitch
removal didn't go well.

What do you mean?

What I'm trying to say is...

Your husband...

He's dead.

Honey!

I loved you so much!

A woman as beautiful as you

should not be crying.

Why?

What should I be doing?

Dancing!

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!

Carrie.

Carrie!
Huh?

Yes. I'm done. Everything's fine.

Oh, well,
that's great, sweetie!

"Sweetie"?

What's up with--

you're not mad anymore?

No. No, I was
just sitting here

thinking about, uh,

how much I love you.

Come on, let's
go get some ice cream.

Who are you?

I'm Josephine.
Your wife sent me.

Oh.

Doug Heffernan. Hi.

Oh, what the hell.