06x18 - Trash Talker

[bunniefuu]

Douglas, will you
please pass the catsup?

The what?

The catsup.

You mean the ketchup?

Educated people
pronounce it catsup.

Not if they want me
to pass it to them.

Fine. If that's the way
you're going to be,

then I'll do without.

Not gonna happen, old man.

My burger's getting cold.

Just give me the catsup!

OK, it's called ketchup.

Say it right and you can have it. No.

Say it. Say it. No.

I will never say it.

I'd rather die than say it.

Then she's staying over here.

Me llamo ketchup.

Fine.

Then just say
good-bye to these.

Ahh!

Why you gotta do that?

You want the catsup,
you can have the catsup.

Here. God.

Thank you.
That's enough.

OK, good.

That's enough.

That's enough.
That's enough.

That's enough!

Oh, is that enough?

Yes, that's enough.
That's enough.

Than say it!
Say-say it!

What?
Say what?!

What's it called?!

Ketchup!

And that's how we learn.

All right, what's next?

"Put bracket C facing
left front quarter.

Turn to align
with rear bracing leg."

What?

I think it means the seat

it's supposed to be the seat.

Yeah, well,
that ship has sailed.

Come on, give me
something to put in slot H.

I- I'd put the seat there.

Put this right here,
right like that.

Yeah, see? All done.

All right.
That's right.

All right, by the way,
major's not gonna be getting

the greatest birthday present
from us either.

We're a little short
on the dough-re-mi.

Oh, yeah.

How's Carrie's job hunt going?

She's getting
a little desperate.

Next time you call
a phone sex line,

be nice just in case.

Coming.

Hi, dad.

Hey, guys.
You have a good time?

We made Jesse's hamster fly.

Really?
Well, he flew briefly.

Let's just say he'll be
off the wheel for a while.

You want to see my room?

Hey, Sean. This is my
friend Doug Heffernan.

Doug Heffernan?

Did you go to Saint Gregory's?

Yeah.

It's me. Sean McGee.

Oh, hey, man. Hi!

Hi! Hi!
How's it going?

Good.

Ah, all white guys
do know each other.

Small world. What
have you been up to?

Just working with Deacon
down at IPS.

That's great. I'm a D.A.
over in Queens county.

You know, putting away
the bad guys.

Hey, dead man walking, right?

Ha ha ha!

Listen, I gotta go.
Hey, Jess!

Great to see you.

Are you gonna be
at major's party?

Yup. I'll see you over there.

Take care, Deac.
Take care, man.

Hey, you take care, Doug.

I'll see you later.
Be good.

Ha ha ha ha.

I hate that son of a bitch.

What?!

It was seventh grade.

I was in the cafeteria,
and I accidentally threw out

my six million dollar man
thermos top.

So I'm going through
the garbage looking for it,

and Sean McGee
told everybody that I...

Licked the trash can.

Did you lick it?

No! Why would I
lick a trash can?

I don't know.
The same reason

you lick the top
of the pizza box.

That's completely
different, all right?

That's not trash yet.

Anyway, he spread this
around the whole school,

and for the entire year,

everybody called me
Doug heffer-can.

All right, look, I'm gonna
see Sean on Wednesday night.

I'll be sure to stay
away from any trash cans.

Wait a second.

I just told you
this guy is my enemy,

and you're gonna
hang out with him?

I'm not in love with the guy.

We're just playing
racquetball.

Nobody else plays.
What am I supposed to do?

Don't play with Sean McGee.
Play with me!

You don't play.

Don't play?
What, are you on pot?

I love racquetball.

Yeah? What color
are the balls?

They vary.

Look, give me
a chance, all right?

If I don't give you
a good game,

you can go play with
your friend Sean McGay.

Damn, I wish I'd thought
of that in junior high.

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel it.

OK, next time you have
to stretch like that,

I'm gonna have to ask you
to wear longer shorts.

Yeah? And I'm gonna have
to ask you to stand back

because it's punish time.

You're about to be acquainted

with my good friends
Hugh and Millie yayshin.

Wassup?

Ohh!

Uhh!

Uhh!

All right, I admit it, man.

You got game.
Really?

I think someone
owes me an apology.

Oh, God.

Damn!

All right, my serve.

I think we're done here.

Come on, that's fine.
Throw a little sawdust on it.

Where you going?

You're gonna call your
boyfriend, aren't you?

At least he can play
points without showing me

what he had at the snack bar.

Fine!
I don't need you!

But know this
if you're friends with my enemy,

then you're my enemy!

Oh, God.

So, uh, with Deacon gone,
how's this gonna work?

Does everybody just move
up a slot, friend-wise?

No.

Well, I just mean, you know,

there was stuff
you used to do with Deacon,

so I guess you'll be doing it
with one of us now.

No.

All right, that's cool.

Status quo.

God, I really miss Deac.

I mean, the way
he got such a kick

out of these
bud light commercials.

There's a certain kind
of magic

when a gentle giant laughs.

Hey.

Oh.

What are you doing here?

Just came to get
my camcorder back.

I need it for
my kid's party tomorrow.

Help yourself.
It's in the garage.

The garage? Huh.

Thanks for taking
such good care of it.

Hey, Deac.

What's up?

OK, put your eyes
back in your head.

Hello.

Hi.

Got a registered letter.

Gonna need you to sign for it.

Hey, why don't you
come in for a second?

You know,
I never sign anything

without checking over
the fine print anyway.

'Cause the next thing you know,
I'm somebody's Butler for life.

You know what I'm saying?

Not at all, no.

It's just a standard letter.

It's all right.
Come on in.

Come on, we'll check it out.

Just take a seat right
here. Danny, get up.

OK, but I only got a minute.

Well, that's OK.

Doug Heffernan."

So far, so good.

Listen, I really got
to hit the road here.

Hit the road, man? You
k*ll me, bro! Ha ha ha!

Oh, this is so awkward.

What is?

You just walking in
when I'm hanging out

with my new friend...
Melvin... uspo.

As in United States
post office?

That's right,
come sleet or snow,

he's my buddy.
Wassup?

So you're trying to replace
me with another black guy.

That's-that's classy.

Hey, I don't care if my best
friend's black, white, or purple, OK?

As long as he's got my back.
Ain't that right, Melvin?

Actually, I
gotta hit the road.

Listen, sign
that slip whenever.

I'll pick it up tomorrow.

It is a date, amigo.

Yeah!

Hey, Knicks fan.

Marbury's doing
a nice job for 'em, huh?

Yeah, I tell you,
though, I miss spree.

I heard that.

I'm actually heading
over to Cooper's

to catch the second half.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Oh, maybe I'll stop by
after my route.

What are you doing?

Trying to jazz up my resume,

see if I can get a
law firm to notice me.

How's this sound?

"Cleavage available
upon request."

It sounds good.
Give it a try.

What's the matter with you?

Friggin' Deacon.

He's hanging out
with my arch-enemy.

Their kids go
to school together.

You have an arch-enemy?

Yeah, Sean McGee.

In seventh grade,
he told everyone

I licked a trash can.

Did you?

No.

Why would I lick a trash can?

I don't know.
Didn't you once tell me

you ate that feed
they have at petting zoos?

My sister told me if I did,
I could grow a mustache.

It's not the point, OK?

I didn't lick a trash can.

Well, you know what?
You better get over it

before major's
birthday party tomorrow

because I don't want
to have any awkward scenes.

There ain't gonna be
any awkward scenes

'cause I ain't
going to any party

that Sean McGee's gonna be at.

Doug, come on.

This is over
a quarter of a century ago!

Are you kidding me?
Am I hearing this right?

You're telling me
I can't have one enemy?

Let's go over
your enemy list, huh?

What are you talking about?

Lorenzo's pizzeria.
I can't go there anymore

because you had
a fight with the guy

because he put too much
cheese on our pizza.

Too much cheese.

Insanity!

Or how about
San remo dry cleaners, huh,

where that little
Chinese girl sassed you?

Yeah, I may not
have understood her,

but she was all attitude.

The point is, I support you

in everything you hate.

You know, the restaurants, the stores,

magicians!

If you hate it, I hate it.

So why can't you back
me up on this one thing?

All right, you know, you
you're right.

If Sean McGee is your enemy,

then he is my enemy, too.

Thank you.

So we're not going
to major's party?

We're not going
to major's party.

OK, I guess I'll go over there

and drop off
major's gift tonight.

Wait a second. Is it
something I might want?

Doug, it's a pair
of feety pajamas.

Does it
have a back-flap?

All right, well, thanks for
the game. Take care, man.

Oh, sorry.
Excuse me.

I'm sorry.
Let me get that.

Thank you.

"From Doug and Carrie."

Are you married
to Doug Heffernan?

Yeah.

I'm Sean McGee.

I went to school
with your husband.

Oh... yes.

Sean McGee.
I know all about you.

What does that mean?

I think you know
what it means.

Let me tell you
something, Sean.

You mess with Doug,
you mess with me.

OK, you don't
want to mess with me

because I will
take you down, OK?

This is about the trash
can thing, isn't it? Yeah.

Deacon told me he was
still upset about it.

I just feel terrible
about that.

As well you should.

When I saw him
lick that thing,

I really should have
just kept it to myself.

Wait a minute.
So he really did lick it?

Oh, yeah.
A couple of times.

I should have just kept
my mouth shut, though.

Just tell him
I'm sorry, would you?

I gotta get out of here.

I got big cases
I'm prosecuting,

and my secretary just quit.

Oh, you're a lawyer?
Yeah.

And your secretary just quit?

Yeah, a couple days ago.

I don't know how
I'm gonna replace her.

Oh, 'cause I used
to be a legal secretary.

Yeah, I was at Kaplan,
hornstein & steckler.

Oh, it's a good firm.
I've heard of them.

Well, I would
ask you to come in

and, you know,
do an interview,

but we have a policy
against hiring people

who want to
"take me down."

That's funny.

Hang on.

Sean, I'll walk
with you, babe.

I can't believe this.

He is my enemy.

I couldn't have been
more clear about that!

Yes, and isn't that
what they say?

"Keep your friends close,
but your enemies closer"?

This way I can keep tabs
on him / .

I can take him down
from the inside!

You know what, this
is not happening.

There's no way.

Doug, I can't believe you're
not gonna let me take a job

because you licked a
trash can when you were .

Whoa.

Are you telling me you think
I licked that trash can?

Look, all I know is
Sean is pretty convinced

in what he saw.

And you believe him over me?

Look, I don't know,
maybe there was

something good
on the trash can!

You know, some leftover sloppy
Joe, some chocolate sauce.

Who can blame ya?

I never licked it, OK?
For the last time,

my head was in that trash
can because I was looking for

my six million dollar
man thermos top!

Look, you licked it,
you didn't lick it,

what's the difference?

There's a big difference!

One way, I licked a trash can!

The other way, I didn't!

And I didn't.

OK, and Sean feels
really bad about this.

Please, just come to the party

and let Sean
make it up to you.

I will not step foot
at any party

or anywhere else
that man will be.

He is my enemy,

and now you are my enemy.

OK, you know what,
you are being ridiculous.

I am gonna go live
in a world with adults.

You can stay
in the seventh grade

and lick your trash cans
by yourself.

Traitor!

Trash can licker!

OK, I'm off to major's party.

You know, you can still come.

Hmm, thanks.
Nah, I think I'll stay home

and enjoy my extra cheesy
Lorenzo's pizza.

Whoops. I got a little
cheese on my shirt.

That's no problem
because I know

a little sassy Chinese girl
who'll get that right out.

Ooh, pizza pie.
May I?

Yeah, you can
have the rest, actually.

It's pretty bad.

Well, I know
what you're eating.

My question is,
what's eating you?

Just Deacon and Carrie.

What's the problem?

In seventh grade,
I had this enemy,

and, well, Carrie
and Deacon are siding

with him over me.

What's your beef
with this fellow?

He told everyone
I licked a trash can.

Did you?

No, but he told
everyone I did.

Douglas, there's no shame

in being a trash can licker.

Never licked it.

Well, I know from
whence you come.

I, too, had a boyhood enemy.

He got me kicked out of school

when he claimed I stole
his moe berg baseball card.

Why did he say that?

Well, because I had stolen it.

I loved it, and I
wanted it for myself.

Anyway, do you know
who this pale kid

with the big mouth
turned out to be?

TV journalist and
celebrity suckhound

Larry king.

OK, great.
Thanks for the talk.

My point is
when he became a success

I was mad at everyone but him.

CNN, his sponsors,

the suspender industry.

If I had just focused
on hating him,

I would have saved myself
a lot of heartache.

You know what?
You're right.

Sean McGee's my problem here.

I'm going to major's party.

I'm gonna take care
of this right now.

Whoa, whoa.
Hold the phone.

Major's having a party?

Yeah.

And I wasn't invited?

That fickle little bastard
just crossed the wrong guy.

What are you doing here?

I came down to take care
of a little business.

Uh-huh.

Am I gonna have
to kick your ass

at my kid's birthday party?

No, no, we're cool.

I just need to have
a little chat with...

Sean McGee.

Hey, Sean!

Would you come on down for a second?

I need to talk to you.

Could we do it later?

I'm trying to play
with my kid here.

No, not later.

Now.

Just give me minutes.

Hey.

Hey, you're not supposed
to be wearing shoes up here.

Whatever.
Look, I know

Carrie's gonna be working
for you, and that's great.

It's just I think we need to
clear the air between us first.

Doug, about all that,
I know it's no excuse,

but I was a stupid kid,
all right?

I'm sorry I told everybody
you licked a trash can.

Really?

Yeah, I feel terrible

you've been carrying that
around all these years.

You know, I just hope
you accept my apology.

Well, yeah, I do.

Thanks for saying something.

No problem.

See you around the piñata.

OK.

Wait.

I just want to clear
something up here.

What, Doug?

You said you were sorry
you told everyone

that I licked the trash can.

But you never apologized
for making up the fact

that I licked it.

But you did.
No, I didn't.

Doug, I saw you
lick the trash can.

OK, for the last time,
I was looking for

my six million dollar
man thermos top.

Can I just play with my kid?

Excuse me.

It's OK.
I work here.

Look, you can play
with your kid

as soon as you admit to me

that I didn't lick it.

OK, you didn't lick
the trash can.

OK, I'm sorry I made that up.

OK, you just said "made it
up" as if it were in quotes.

Doug, this is ridiculous, OK?

Can we please forget it?

Are you hungry?

Because I think
I saw some pudding

in the garbage over there

and it had your name
written all over it,

heffer-can.

Aah!

Aah! Uhh!

Admit it!
Admit it!

Admit I didn't lick it!

Heffer-can!

Aah!

Heffer-can!

No! No!

Trash sucker!

No! No such thing
never happened!

Hey, did you see Sean?

Aah!

Oh, my God.

Aah!

Hey.

Aah!

Crap.

How could you?

You know I would
have loved this.