06x20 - Foe: Pa

[bunniefuu]

Where is the remote?

Hey, remote!
Come here, boy.

No remote. Carrie!

Where'd you put the remote?!

Ah, here you are,
you little scamp.

Ahh. Yeah.

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Scratch just above
my left buttock.

Couple things--

uh, you didn't say please,
and I'd rather die.

Damn it,

this rash is t*rture, and it's
in a spot I just can't reach.

Hey, hey, come on.
Don't use that.

I have to.
It's the only utensil

that feels remotely
like human fingers.

So... you've tried them all?

At various times
over the years, yes.

OK, sorry to keep bugging you,

but what do you think of
this outfit for my interview?

Do we have a winner?

It's nice, it's nice.
But how about an outfit

that shows off
a little more...

Boobage?

Doug, come on.
I want to get this job

on my qualifications.
And I'll tell you,

I have a really good feeling
about this one.

You know, the head
of the Dugan group

legal department
called me personally

to confirm the interview.

He went on and on
about my resume,

my letters of recommendation.

I mean, he practically
gave me the job

on the phone.

Yeah, but just to be safe...

Darling, my friend Mickey
just gave me the name

of his dermatologist
in stamford, Connecticut.

Please take me there
immediately.

Dad, that couldn't
be less possible.

I have a job interview
in hours.

I can't. I got
the cable guy coming.

If I miss him this time,
I gotta wait another month.

But my haunches are on fire.

Does that mean nothing to you?

All right, you know what, dad,

Dr. Mandelbaum's office is
on the way to my interview.

If you're that uncomfortable,
I will drop you off

and pick you up
when I am done, OK?

Why, so he can
just give me some more

of his overpriced ointment?
No dice!

I want to see Mickey's
dermatologist. Mickey swears by him!

Mickey has more spots
on his face

than a cheetah, OK?

It's Mandelbaum or nobody.

Now you've got minutes
to get dressed.

Fine.

Ms. Heffernan?
Yes.

Mr. Hecht is just
finishing up a call

in the conference room.

He'll be ready for you
in a few moments.

OK. Thank you.

I have never been so angry!

Shh! Dad,
what are you doing here?

I told you to wait for me
at Mandelbaum's.

I couldn't very well
wait in the office

of a man I'm now suing, could I?
What?!

That charlatan took one
little peek at my rash

and told me to keep
using the ointment.

I grabbed my file
out of his hands,

kicked over his cactus,

and ran like the dickens!

Shh!

Ms. Heffernan?
He's ready.

Oh, OK. Thank you.

Young lady,
which of your lawyers

specializes
in dermatology scams?

Ha ha ha ha.
He's kidding.

Come on. Yeah.

Now, you listen to me, you.

Until my interview is over,
you will sit there

and speak and make eye contact
with no one.

But I-
no one!

Now sit down. Sit.

And stay.

One of the differences
between the way we operate

and what you might have
been used to is that,

since this a real estate
development firm,

the lawyers aren't
running the show,

unfortunately.

Right, right.

We could be going in one
direction on a project,

and then the development
guys pull something

and we have to do
a overnight.

Well, actually, what I
consider one of my strengths

as an assistant
is I keep my own

cross-referenced files
on all the...

Cases my boss is working on,

so if things change
suddenly, I can, uh...

You can what?

Uh...

So, often you
might be called on

to assist one of
our senior attorneys

at city hearings,
negotiations, and so forth.

Oh, well, that's very exciting
news, because at my old firm

there was really
never an opportunity to--

and I don't have any children,
so if I'm required

to stay late
or go out of town,

that doesn't
really present a--

a problem--

in-in the sense
that I would give

my total focus to--

just one second.
I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

I told you
not to talk to anybody.

He asked me if
I was being helped.

Damn it, I have
a lawsuit to file!

Shh! Dad, these are
real estate lawyers, OK?

They don't represent lunatics

who want to sue
their dermatologist!

They all moonlight.
Grow up. Good sir--

no, dad, come here.
Give me the file.

Just stop and knock it off.

Give it-
no! No!

What are you doing?!

One more sec.

It's funny.
You know, I mean,

ever since it went out, I...

Keep walking by and
grabbing for that remote

and flicking it on and...

That static comes up.

I keep doing it
over and over again,

you know, 'cause I forget.

That's the thing with
something like this.

You just forget.

I've had it with him, Doug!
I've just had it!

What happened?

I had the job.
I could feel it.

All I had to do was
get through the interview

without acting
like a mental patient.

Well, guess who took care
of that for me?!

Oh, please.
I didn't come near

her precious interview.

I was conducting
a private conversation,

and she interrupted me!

He showed a stranger his ass.

The top of my ass!

Should I come back
another time?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is just playful banter.

So what happened with his ass?

It doesn't matter, OK?

The point is I had a sh*t

at something good in my life,

and once again my father
stomped it into dust!

And here come
the melodramatics!

You know what?

Go to hell.

Sure, everything is my fault!

Were it not for me,
you'd be married

to the prince of Monaco
and living in his castle!

Maybe I really should leave.

No, no, no. Look, it's
over. It's all over.

You know,
let me tell you something.

Crap.

I didn't want to marry
the prince of Monaco.

I did want to win
that junior spelling bee.

You remember that, huh?

Indeed I do.

Really? 'Cause I
would have won that

had you not shouted out

how to spell
the word vestibule

while I was thinking of it!

I had to shout.

You kept ignoring
my hand signals!

You know what else I wanted?
I wanted to perform

in the seventh grade
performance of Swan Lake,

not be yanked out of the
auditorium in my leotard

because they didn't
want to give you

"V.I.P. seating."

The other swans' parents
were in the front row.

Should I have ignored that?

Yes, yeah, yeah, you should
have ignored that because--

now I know this is a hard
concept for you to understand--

that night wasn't about you.

Oh, this is stupid.
It's just ancient history.

Oh, OK, you want
to talk about today, then?

I would've liked to have
gotten that secretary job,

but you know what
I would've liked more?

Not having to grovel
for a secretary job at all.

But that would have
meant me going to college,

and I didn't go
to college, did I?

No. I became a checker
at waldbaum's.

Why, because somebody said
I would be abandoning him.

Your mother had just d*ed!

My life was in upheaval!

So was mine.
News flash, OK?

You were never there
for me, dad.

You never-you never are,
you never were.

And you know what,
when I was sitting there

trying to hold
that interview together

and I was looking
through that glass,

do you know what I saw?

What I've been seeing
my whole life:

A lousy father.

A selfish, overbearing,

lousy father!

Did I offer you a soda yet?

I gotta go.

I don't know what to say.

Nothing you can say,
nothing you can do.

Unless you can go back in time

and fix everything.

Hello?

Oh. Uh-huh.

OK. Thank you.

I got the job.

Um...

Yay?

Hey, any sign of my dad?

Nope.
I thought I saw him

in the park, but it turned out

to be just
a weird-shaped kid.

Ohh. Why couldn't
that stupid phone call

have come minutes earlier?

Then I never would've
gone off on him like that.

How bad was it?

It wasn't that bad.
It really wasn't.

Doug, don't lie to me.
How bad was it?

It was the worst
thing I ever saw.

And I once saw a guy
chase his glass eye

down a flight
of subway stairs.

Oh, this is awful!

Look, it's gonna be all right.

No, it's not gonna
be all right, Doug.

I mean, there
are things in life

you just don't say out loud,
and I said 'em.

I called the man
a lousy father.

I did say that, right?

Twice.

The second time,
you kind of spit on him.

Hey, what's up?

Your dad's at my place.

Oh, good. How is he?

Well, he seems pretty upset.

He said he's not coming home

until he figures out a way
to go back in time,

which has me a little worried,

'cause I'm having
people over tonight.

Don't worry.
I'll take care of it.

Go talk to him, honey.

Me?

Yeah, please.
I wouldn't even know

what to say to him right now.

You just tell him
you got the job

and everything'll be fine.

Doug, I don't think
the job news will offset

the "I hate you" news.

I got nothing to say to him.

Yeah, but someone's
gonna talk to him, right?

'Cause I have a lot
of jell-o sh*ts to make.

Fine. All right, fine.

I will do it.

Thank you, honey.
I love you.

All right, I'm gonna go take
a walk and clear my head.

OK. I have no TV,

and now I'm
about to beg Arthur

to come back home.

You know what,
you'd better drive.

I might take us off a bridge.

Hey, Arthur.
I'm back.

I brought Doug.

Howdy.

So, this is my place.

Wow. Very nice.

Very, very nice.

Good view of the expressway.

Great view, actually.

Yeah, and after a while,
the traffic noise

starts to sound
like the ocean.

Wow, another plus right there.

Oh.

So, Arthur, how's it going?

How's, uh-
how's your rash?

Much better.

Turns out Mandelbaum's
ointment works after all.

Good. That's good.

Now if there were only
some sort of ointment

for failing as a parent.

I don't know if
you failed as a parent.

You got, like,
a C-minus maybe.

Which, in my house,
was good enough

to earn you a trip to carvel.

Anyway, you know what,
I think you should come home,

sit down with Carrie,
you talk this out.

Damn it, Douglas,

talking won't fix
what I've done to her.

The lost friends,
the broken dreams,

that job today.
You heard her,

I can't fix it unless
I go back in time.

And unless you're
incredibly wealthy,

that's impossible.

I know, but
you gotta come home.

I will not come home again!

This is my home now!

No, no, no, no.
He cannot live here.

I already am not
supposed to have the cat.

All right, you know what,
I think I got an idea here, OK?

Hey, Arthur, you know what,

I think I may
have figured a way

you can go back in time

and actually fix
what happened today.

How?

Just call the guy
down at the Dugan group

and apologize for messing up
Carrie's interview.

And, you know, maybe
he'll change his mind

and hire her after all.

You really think
that will work?

You never know unless you try.

OK, we'll give you
some privacy.

Yeah, OK?

What's this man's name again?

Uh, it's, uh... Lance.

Uh... Bossington.

Got it!

Yes, may I speak with
Lance Bossington, please?

Mr. Bossington?

Please hold the line, sir.

Bossington here.

Yes, I do remember
you, Mr. Spooner.

As I recall, you
and your daughter

made quite a ruckus here.

Mm-hmm.

So, what happened today
was entirely my fault, sir.

I truly wish you would
reconsider your decision.

You will?

Of course I will.

You're a very persuasive
man, Mr. Spooner.

Why, it's almost as if
you've gone back in time

and made things
right. Remarkable!

Shut your trap out here!

Uh, look...

I've got to run into a big
real estate meeting now.

I'm trading in
houses for a hotel.

Good-bye.

Nice.

Any luck?
It worked!

Wow. Carrie's gonna be
happy to hear that, huh?

Good job, Artie.

It actually is possible
to fix the past.

You proved that.
Didn't he?

Mm-hmm.
Here's your jacket.

Oh, no.
I can't go home yet.

I've got
many more calls to make,

many more wrongs to right.

Arthur, you got Carrie
the job. That's enough!

It's not enough.
I won't leave

until I've fixed everything.

Because now I know I can!

OK.

Now, each of the numbers
we gave to Arthur

corresponds to one
of these cell phones.

Like, when this one
rings, for example,

Arthur's gonna think
he's calling the woman

who was Carrie's
elementary school principal,

but, in fact,
it'll actually be you.

OK, now, like when
this one rings here,

he thinks
he's gonna be calling

Carrie's
high school boyfriend.

That'll be me.
And so on.

So, I'll be all the women,

and you'll be all the men?

I think that's best.

You're up.
OK, make me proud,

miss Hanratty.

So what you're saying is,

that Carrie actually knew
how to spell vestibule.

Yes, she spelled it
for me on a regular basis.

If I hadn't shouted it out,

she would have won for sure.

Well, in that case, I should
go back into the records

and make her the winner,
shouldn't I?

That would be marvelous!

Of course I forgive you.

In fact, the next time

we do the seventh grade
production of Swan Lake,

I know who our special
guest ballerina's gonna be.

Carrie Spooner!

Sure, Mr. S.,

I accept your apology.

Carrie is once again
my favorite girlfriend

from all of high school.

You're a prince, Peter.

You've actually made me
feel quite foolish

for cutting short your
romance with my daughter.

Well, I'm sure she did
pretty well for herself.

Oh, yes, she's married
to a very nice fellow.

Though, frankly,
he is a bit of a simpleton.

And I get
the distinct impression

that in the bedroom,

he's skittish, clumsy,
and tentative.

Top that off with
his atrocious health habits,

and it's quite a mess
over there.

Hang in there, Peter.

You may just
get another chance!

How'd that go?

It was good.
It's fine, fine.

All right, Mr. Spooners.

I appreciate you coming clean

on that th item.

Carrie's welcome back in
my express line whenevers.

A little r*cist,
but did the trick.

OK, we got one more here.
Uh, let's see.

OK, Martin syznick.

Hey, listen, since
the last one is a man,

do you mind if I take off

and get ready for my party?

You know what, you go ahead.
I'll handle the call,

then I'll come pick up Arthur.

Great, great. I'll
leave him on the stoop!

Hello?

Yes, sir. I'm trying to
reach a Marilyn syznick.

Marilyn?

Oh, my God.
It does say Marilyn.

Yes, my sister Marilyn
just got out of the shower.

Please hold a second.

Hey, look, I need
your help, all right?

It's your father.

Oh, good, OK.

Tell him to go to hell.

What?

I was out walking,
and it just hit me.

He did it again.
He screwed up,

and now I'm the one
feeling guilty?

Well, enough.
I don't give a crap

if he comes back or not.

Could you just hold on
one more second, please?

Why are you talking like that?

Here's the deal, OK?

He refuses to come home
here until he can undo

all the bad stuff
he did to you.

So what's he's doing,
he's calling

all the people
he offended to apologize,

or at least he thinks he is.

He's actually talking
to me and Holly

pretending to be them.

What?

Look, this is the last call,
and it's been working.

Just pretend
to be Marilyn syznick,

accept his apology,
and this'll all be over.

No, I don't want
to talk to him.

One more second.

She's just slipping
into her robe.

Come on, do it.
Just do it.

Just do it!

Disguise your voice.

Hello?

Is this Marilyn syznick?

Uh-huh.

It's Arthur Spooner calling.

Years ago, my daughter
was in your brownie troop.

That is, until
I angrily accused you

of favoring
the Polish children

in the assignment
of merit badges.

Do you recall?

Mm-hmm.

Anyway,
I'm calling to apologize

and ask if
you'd be kind enough

to send along any patches
or certificates

she may have lost
on my account.

Oh, yes.
Well, that's fine, yes.

Oh, thank you so much.

I know this must
seem strange to you,

given that Carrie's
a grown woman now,

but in my heart she'll
always be my little baby.

Why, I can still remember

when she was
not even a year old

and came down with a
terrible case of the croup.

The only think that
eased her coughing fits

was when I walked
with her in my arms

through the cold night air.

I must've walked
miles with her

every night for a week.

Wow.

Oh, I would've walked
, miles if I had to.

It's ironic.
I tried so hard

to protect
that beautiful child,

and today I find out
that it was me

who hurt her most of all.

It rips my heart out.

The worst part is

I don't know
if she'll ever forgive me.

She will.

You're very kind
to say that, Marilyn.

And, if I'm
remembering correctly,

you're also quite
well-endowed upstairs.

Can I buy you dinner?

Eww. No!

Oh, come on, don't be coy.

The way you'd undo a button

on your troop leader's vest
when I came in,

you don't think
I noticed that?

What?
Get over yourself!

Tease.

Hey.

Oh, hi.

How you doing?

I guess
I'm still a little sad.

This whole thing
with my dad, you know?

Why? It's over.

He's back.
Everything's fine.

I know.
It's just that,

when something
like this happens

and you're forced to bring up

all those dark
and buried feelings,

it just leaves you kind
of empty inside, you know?

Ooh! The bachelorette.