06x22 - Alter Ego

[bunniefuu]

Douglas, mind if I snag one
of more challenging sections?

Go ahead.

OK, you gonna read the paper,

or are you gonna
strangle someone?

The cheap ink they use
makes my fingers black.

OK. Thanks for
wettin' down page .

By the way, you got
a phone call before.

Some guy irv
from the senior center.

He wanted to know
if you could, uh,

fill in for him at the
front desk next week.

Me? I haven't held a position
of authority in years.

No, I'm afraid I can't do it.

Or could I?

The will is there, but
do I have the stamina?

Damn it, if irv needs
me, I can't let him down!

I'll do it.

Couldn't care less.

Let's light this candle.

Josephine, can I see you
for a minute?

Have a seat.

As you know, I'm taking over
the reins from irv.

I think we should discuss
what I expect from you.

Who are you again?

I'm the guy
who's gonna make this

the best-run senior center
in the city.

That's who.

Now, what's on my calendar?

Well, let's see.

Oh! Oh, yes.

You know the pudding
we have on wednesdays?

Well, the salesman's coming
tomorrow to pick up his check.

Pudding salesman, huh?
Mm-hmm.

Find out everything
you can about this guy...

What he likes, what he hates.

If he takes a crap,
I wanna know about it.

Hey, what's up, fellas?

Hey.
Hey.

Nice jacket there, pimp daddy.

Hey. A little gift
from Kelly

for no reason at all.

Ahem.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

Sunday Times.

Wedding announcements.

Oh.

"Mr. and Mrs. Hugo Battaglia
of Queens, New York,

"announce the upcoming marriage

of their daughter Denise
Ruth Battaglia..."

"To Scott John Van Wagner,

"son of James and Arlene Van
Wagner of Memphis, Tennessee.

"The wedding will take place

at greater mount Morris first
presbyterian church in Memphis."

I- I can't believe it.

We-we broke up,
like, months ago,

and now she's
already getting married?

Well, maybe it's a different
Denise Ruth Battaglia...

Of Queens.

No. No, it's her.

It-it--

look-look at this guy
she's marrying.

Look at this loser! Look!

Lot of stripes. What is he, a general?

So, bro, what do you
feel like doing?

What's that?

Strip club?

Just take me home.

Fine.

Look, Spence...

I know you're gonna find
somebody just as good as Denise,

if not better.

Oh, yeah? Right.

Do you really think
I'm gonna find a woman

who's as into avant-garde film
as I am or folk dancing

or is a ninth-level player
the gathering?

Absolutely.

No, I blew it.

I- I should have
fought for her.

I should have grabbed her
by those incredible shoulders

and said, "I love you,
and I know you love me."

But did I do that? No.

You know why? Same reason
I'm selling tokens on the subway

instead of driving the train.

I thought you failed
the psych test.

You didn't see that inkblot!

The bottom line is
everything would be different

if I'd just taken a stand!

Well, maybe it's not too late.

What do you mean?

To tell Denise what you just told us.

But she's getting married
in Memphis tomorrow.

I mean, even if I wanted to, I
couldn't make it there in time.

You could if we
start driving right now.

Really?

Kelly and the kids
are at her mom's.

I got noplace else
to be. I'm in.

You really think
we can do this?

If we're gonna go
on an extended trip,

I'm gonna have to stop
and get my bite plate.

But what-what if
I'm wrong, though?

What if she doesn't
love me back?

Well, maybe she does,
and maybe she doesn't.

There's only one way
to find out.

Because if I sleep
without that thing,

my jaw snaps shut
like a bear trap.

I don't know.

Spence, look, you
got a chance here,

and you gotta go for it.

If you don't go for it,

you're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life.

So where am I
steering this car?

Memphis, Tennessee.

That's what I'm talking about! Yeah!

Yeah!
Memphis!

Hey, hey, what about Carrie?

What about car-
what about Carrie?

Here's about Carrie, OK?

Hey, babe. It's me.

Look, don't wait up,

'cause I'm gonna be driving
to Memphis to stop a wedding.

Denise.

Yeah.

Spence's old girlfriend.

No, it's not stupid.

W- why can't I?

I know I said we'd
go food shopping.

Look, all I want
is pop-tarts.

Please, OK?

I already told him I
would do this thing, OK?

I'm-you know what?

I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.

She's cool.
She's very cool.

OK, she checked in last night?

OK, great, thanks.

I got it. Denise is staying at
the west Memphis econo-lodge.

Fancy.

Well...

In about hours,
she's gonna open her door

to find me standing there
holding a single red rose

and saying, "excuse me, miss,

I think I left
my love in here."

All right, man.
There you go.

In case I didn't say it,
thanks for this.

That's what friends do.

You guys are great.

Right back at ya.

I'm glad you're in my life.

OK, love scene over.

We're coming up
on I- .

Great!

Uh... take that west
to I- ,

hook up with the I- ,

and then straight
through bartlett

and on into Memphis.

Heh heh.

Oh, Deac, doesn't
your dad live in bartlett?

Uh-huh.

No reason we can't stop in
on the way back.

That's OK.

Nnnnnn!

No, I mean, it's silly.
It's on the way.

I said no.

What part of nnnn-nn
didn't you understand?

Sorry.

Hey, is it me or...

Those cows getting
anybody else hungry?

I could eat.

Why don't you wake Danny up?

Oh, he's asleep?

He's not supposed to sleep
without his bite plate.

Hey, Danny, we're gonna
get some food.

Danny!

Oh.

Hey, guys.

Ohh!

God!

What's going on?

I need $ .

What?

I need $ .

Ow!

Can you give the guy
a credit card?

He won't take one.
He wants cash.

What?

He wants cash!

Ow!

It hurts to talk.

What?

It hurts when I talk!

Can we just pay the guy
and get out of here?

Look, I've got $ .

I got, like, .

I got, like, .

I don't have anything.

Well, my wallet's at home
on my dresser

next to my bite plate.

We're still way short.
What are we gonna do?

I don't think this thing
fits right.

Yeah, well, it cost me
a leather jacket,

so I'm gonna need you
to make it fit.

Look at that,
cachingo Indian casino.

Oh, yeah?

We need cash, and you can
get a crapload of money

with just your credit
card at those places.

Guys, it's miles
out of the way.

We're not gonna
make it to the hotel

before Denise leaves
for the wedding.

You want to stop a wedding,
you do it at the church.

Everybody knows that.

I still say we keep going.

Whoa, she's turning.
What's happening?

What are you doing?

It's not me.
It's the car.

She's taking us there.

She does this
with krispy kreme, too.

Just go in and get
money. No gambling, OK?

Absolutely not.

Shutty.

Still declined, ma'am.

What?

Sorry.

I don't believe this.

Do I have to put
this stuff back or...

Yeah. Excuse me. Thank you.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Thanks.

Hi, irv.
Got my check?

Irv's not here. The
name's Arthur Spooner.

And you are?

Steve Gitt.
I'm with royale pudding.

I know all about you,
Mr. Gitt.

How you like to prey
on the elderly

and their weakness
for creamy desserts.

Well, news flash, mister.

Your days of price gouging
are about to end.

Um, what we charge is right in
line with the other companies.

I don't want some price
cooked up

in the smoke-filled rooms
of your pudding cartel.

I want real value.

Now, I'm going to
write down a number,

and that's what we're
going to pay from now on.

Where's a pen?

You can use mine.

Thank you.

What's this,
your company logo?

Mm-hmm.

Mmm, it's quite
a handsome pen.

You can keep it if you want.

You mean that?

Sure.

Nicely played, Mr. Gitt.

How are we doing on time?

You don't have to
worry, Spence.

We'll get you to your
precious wedding.

Take it easy on him.

Thanks, but I think I
had enough of your advice

back at that Blackjack table.

What's that supposed to mean?

"Oh, you gotta
split those s."

You always split s.
That's what the book says.

What book is that, the secrets
of losing, by I.B. Stupid?

He's right. You
always split s.

You didn't help
matters either,

smiling at me
like that... jinxy.

Don't call me jinxy.

You owe me $ .

You owe me a new
leather jacket.

Guys...

That's jinxy's fault!

Don't say that!

Just shut up.

I got a slightly better idea.

Why don't you shut up?

You're buying me a jacket.

OK, don't be touching me.

I'll touch you all I want.

Don't do that, man!

Oh! Oh, my God.
The announcement flew out!

So?

I don't remember
the name of the church.

Hello.

Hey, it's me.

Oh, hey, honey.

Where are you guys now?

I don't know.
Buttcrack, Kentucky.

Buttcreek.

Anyway, I lost the
name of the church

that Denise is getting
married in.

Do you have the paper there?

Uh, yeah.
I think I do.

Hey, honey, funny story.

I was at the market today.

I had a cart loaded
with stuff,

and they wouldn't
take my credit card.

And here's the funny part...

They said it was maxed out

because of a charge
at a cachingo casino.

Really?

Did you lose $ ?

Only because
of splitsy and jinxy!

What is going on there?

Do you have the name
of the church?

Yes, I have it. Greater mount
Morris first presbyterian.

Great. Thank you.

And by the way, you do know
that you're dead, right?

Oh, sure.

I got it.

Great. Now we need gas,
we don't have any money.

I have one more credit card,

but I'm only supposed to use
it in case of an emergency.

It's got, like,
a % interest rate.

I think this is an emergency.

Hey, we need a fill-up
on, uh, pump number .

Whoa.

We do not accept visa.

What?

Diner's club or sunoco-
either one.

Is there anyplace around
here that does accept it?

Indian casino up the road.

Different card.

Declined.

I know the drill.

Pardon me.

"Happy valley pudding."

You got a nice product,
Mr. Lucas.

Thanks. I like it, too.

Maybe a bit too much.

I'm just gonna jot down
a few notes here

with my pen.

Oh, my.

I seem to have inadvertently

grabbed the pen provided
to me by royale pudding,

your fiercest competitor.

This is awkward.

How so?

Well, just that it's
quite a nice pen.

It would take a strong man
not to be seduced by it.

It's leaking a little ink
on your hand there.

Stop being coy, Mr. Lucas.
You're a man of the world.

You want a sh*t
at this account,

start batting your eyes
and show me your goodies.

What?!

Perks! Swag!
Start wooing me.

Um...

I have a rice pudding sample,

but it's been in my car
for a few weeks.

That's it?

Then why the hell are you
wasting my valuable time?

You called me!
At home on a Sunday!

You know what?
Get out.

Leave the rice pudding.

All right, we've just
entered Tennessee.

Governor Phil Bredesen
welcomes you.

Hey, bredesenyyyy!

Oh, God, the yellow light on
the fuel Gauge just went on.

That's all right. That's
just to scare people.

We could've gotten gas

if you guys hadn't gambled
away all our money again!

See, that's just
pointing out a problem

without offering a solution.

Hey, Deac, um...

Your dad lives
right on the way.

Couldn't we ask him
for the gas money?

Look, I really don't
want to see him.

You know what, Deac?
Maybe he's changed.

Maybe if you told him
how you felt,

you know, how he hurt you,

you guys could forge a
whole new relationship.

That's right, old man.

All I ever wanted was my daddy
to tell me that he loved me.

Well, I'll tell you
something, boy,

I don't know for a fact
I even am your daddy,

the way your mama
catted around.

Don't you talk about my mama!

I'll k*ll ya!

They're getting it
all out. That's good.

Yeah, you hightail it, boy.

And don't you ever come back!

Let's go.

So how did you do
moolah-wise?

OK, miles away.
How we doing on gas?

W- we're OK.

I been doing
a lot of coasting.

Please, God, if you
care anything about me,

let this car go more miles.

OK, big guy not a Spence fan.

Ow!

I'm comin', baby.

Your knight in
shining arm--

oh, God! Aah!

Come on.

I think I sprained my ankle.

Go on without me.

Um...

I don't want to marry Denise.

But I can't walk.

Ow! Aah! Ah!

All right,
this is it. Go.

Go!

Actually, she's probably
already married by now.

What say we head back?

What?!

Yeah, I changed my mind.

This was fun.

Y- you're doing this.

What if I'm wrong?
What if she doesn't love me?

You're still doing it!

Ow!

Spence, you listen to me.

We went through hell
to get you here.

I mean, Danny, he may
never eat solid food again.

And I gambled away
a mortgage payment,

and now I gotta go home
and face a wife

who's gonna kick my ass!

And this man-
this man is broken.

To get you here,

he had to learn that his
daddy doesn't love him

and his mama slept around.

Might've slept around.

Might've slept around.

And why did we do it?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause we believe in you.

So the least you can do

is believe in yourself, too.

Let's stop a wedding.

...in marriage, the most
sacred of institutions.

But first...
If there is anyone here

who has reason to believe

these two should not
be joined in sacred matrimony,

let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.

I do!

I love you,
Denise Ruth Battaglia!

I love you, too, Ted.

I'm so sorry, Scott.

Oh, hi, Spence.

Glad you could come.

Huh!

So, how's everyone enjoying
their after bingo treat?

I thought we were
getting pudding.

Why are we eating baked beans?

It's a change of pace.

Open your minds,
you old buzzards!