03x17 - Snow Job

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

LOUIS: Guys!

Guys, come on.

Adjust the power, it's too strong.

Ow.

(BEEPING)

All right, okay, how's that, buddy?

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

There we go.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Here we go...

Do you think we're pushing
science too far?

I mean, inventing things
that shouldn't be.

I mean, what if man was never
meant to walk on the ceiling?

Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom,
man has been trying

to walk on the ceiling for centuries.

Yeah, Tom, we're just filling a need, man.

Oh, well, that does make it more noble.

Doesn't that make your head dizzy?

Beans, what did I tell you
about spying on people?

Don't get caught.

Get out, man. There are things here
that no one your age should ever see.

I've seen it all.

Hey, what's this thing for?

ALL: No!

-(POWER TURNS DOWN)
-Oh...

LOUIS: Ow... oh...

Uh-oh.

Come on, guys, it was an accident.

You're the accident, Beans.

But wait... I had something
important to tell you.

My cousin Chris is in town.

There are more of you?

-Oh, I just got a chill.
-Relax.

But, wait, Chris is...

Get out, Beans, out!

Sorry, Chris, change of plans.

That's okay.

ALL: Ew.

We're supposed to put this gunk
on our face?

It's smells nasty.

Yeah, well, that's the price of beauty.

Yeah, that and $ . .

-Ow...
-Hey, Donnie, how are you feeling?

(SIGHS) Crummy.

ALL: Oh...

DONNIE: Thanks.

I'll be in my room icing my leg.

Oh, and, uh, don't leave
those clay masks on too long

or your face will get itchy.

ALL: Thanks.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Donnie, um...

do you want to hang out with us?

Maybe it'll cheer you up?

(SIGHS) I'm not really in the mood
to be cheered up right now.

Ow... oh...

Wow, that boy is depressed.

I know.
He's barely been out of his room all week.

BOTH: Oh...

-What happened to him?
-Football injury.

BOTH: (SARCASTICALLY)
Football injury.

Guys, knock it off.

BOTH: Knock it off.

I'm serious.

I... I haven't seen him like this.

I just wish that there was something
that we could do.

LOUIS: Kicked you out?

Out of this house? No, Beans, no.

No... we would never do that, right, guys?

-We'd never do that.
-Never, Beans, never.

You see, Beans? We would just not do...
It's a misunderstanding.

Yeah, Beans, you're, like,
our love lug, all right?

And I'm sorry. We need you back, man.

Beans, just come back over.
We need you, right, guys?

-Oh, yeah, bring sexy...
-Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Are you sure?

Beans, hey, buddy!

Hey... there you go.

-There you go.
-Beans, Beans, we missed you, buddy.

-Yeah, we did, man.
-Really?

Beans, I was just telling
these two guys,

there's a hole in my heart
where Beans used to be.

-A hole, Beans.
-Didn't I say that?

Beans, I wrote a little poem

entitled, "Where Art Thou, Beansie?"

"Like puppy dog whiskers
and baby-soft skin

-"Sweet...
-LOUIS: Yeah, whatever, man.

Hey, hey, so, uh,
where's your cousin, buddy?

Why do you want to meet her
all of a sudden?

'Cause she's related to you! Come on.

And you are like family to us.

That's right... Brother Beans.

Yeah, so, uh, dude, where is she, man?

Okay...

I'll let one of you meet her.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, Beans...
-What?

How come just one, buddy?

My cousin, my rules.

No, no, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

So, uh, how do we go about figuring out
which one it is?

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

LOUIS (SHIVERING):
Beans, do you mind telling us what

we're doing in here
for three hours, please?

Okay, everyone stand up.

Hop to it, come on.

Okay. Now, let me see your hands.

Whose ever is the pruniest, wins.

-Ah, you're sick, Beans.
-What is that, Beans?

Get a towel.

BEANS: Mmm...

They're all equally pruny.

All right, for your next challenge,

everyone up on the roof.

-The roof?
-No, no, forget it.

-No, forget.
-No way, Jose.

Your ideas are ridiculous, man.

All right, Beans,
I'll tell you what, all right?

You let me meet your cousin and you
can have anything in that hamper.

I've been through it.
There's nothing special.

All right. Name your price, man.

Hmm...

I want to go for a boat ride.

Boat ride? That's it? Boat... yes.

-You, me and your cousin Chris, right?
-All right, it's a deal.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to show you guys
how to prune properly.

(SPLASHING)

What do you feel like doing?

I don't know.

What do you feel like doing?

REN: Donnie?

Hey, Ren, I'm in the middle
of something right now.

I know... I see.

But, um, well, we just can't seem
to get the lid off this moisturizer.

Seeing how you're so strong...
would you mind?

Sure, no problem.

Wait, oil-based moisturizer?

Oh, what? Is that bad?

Well, I mean, not unless you
guys like clogging your pores.

You know, I think I have the stuff
for you girls.

Are you sure you have time
to help us, Donnie?

Ren, you girls need me right now.

(SNICKERS) Oil-based...

-Wow! Look at this stuff!
-Ooh...

Golly, I don't believe it.

Oh, my gosh, I never knew
you had this here.

Nobody does.

-It's a treasure trove.
-It's...

Hey, you know, Donnie,
it's starting to itch.

That's not an itch.
That's rejuvenating minty tingle.

It tingles so good.

Just wait till you try
my homemade scalp therapy.

You'll love it.
Let me grab some towels.

Hey, Donnie, you never told us
how you injured your leg.

-I know it was football, but...
-DONNIE: Hey!

We're not here to talk
about football, okay?

We're here to talk about
hair, skin and nails. Is that clear?

ALL: Yes.

Hair, skin and nails. Let me hear it.

ALL: Hair, skin, nails.

Great. Let's treat some scalps.

(WHISPERING)
I don't know what to think.

Now, remember, Stephano,
go slow, all right, man?

I want this to be as romantic as possible.

-(RECORD SCRATCHING)
-Ahoy there, matey!

Ahoy... yi-yi.

Louis, this is my cousin Chris.

Chris, hi, nice to meet you.

Thank you.

-Nice to meet you, too.
-Yes.

When Bernard said
you were going to take us

on a boat ride,

I had no idea it was going to be
on a gondola.

Well, I mean, if you got to go,
go gondola, you know?

Batten down the hatches, matey.

Oh, isn't he cute?

So cute. So... cute.

Shiver me timbers!

Oh, oh, oh... hey, Beans,
can I talk to you real fast?

-We'll be right back, all right?
-Okay.

Beans, listen, man,

I'm sorry, but I just...
I heard this bad news, dude.

You see, I asked the gondola guy

and he told me that only two passengers
are allowed on the boat at a time,

so I'm going to have to bring you
back another day.

But the sign says, "three passengers."

Right... uh... could you
do me a favor and, um...

run back to my house, you know,

'cause I forget my seasick pills,
and I need those.

I know what
you're trying to do.

You're trying to blow me off
and put moves on my cousin.

Beans...

your perceptiveness is what makes you
a great sailor, buddy.

Later!

Stephano, anchors away, bro! Let's go!

-Oh, where's Bernard?
-Bernard? Uh...

he... he got this bad gas bubble

and didn't want to stray
too far from shore, you know?

-CHRIS: Oh... that's too bad.
-LOUIS: Yeah.

He really loves hanging out with you.

Oh, I love hanging out
with him, too. Come on.

It's just, you know I have to learn
to give him some space,

'cause sometimes I get too clingy.

-CHRIS: I know, he's so cute.
-LOUIS: He is the cutest.

Yeah, so, you can't really blame me.

-Ah, this is so cool, Louis.
-Yeah, it's pretty.

It's pretty out.

I got an idea.

How about we play

"Who can spot the nastiest
garbage in the water?"

Uh, taco bag.

Oh, that's a good one.
That's a good one right there.

BOTH: Beach ball!

No, I said it first.

-No way.
-I was like...

(GIGGLES)

LOUIS: Oh, nice find. Nice find.

-What is it?
-(SCREAMS)

Oh, man.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
Now you're here and I don't know why

Got a funny feeling inside...

Ready?

Go. Oh, missed, go.

CHRIS: Nice!

Oh, man... Oh, man...

Are you the real thing?

CHRIS: Beans was right.

You are an amazing guy.

Oh, oh, I don't know about amazing.

-Spectacular, maybe.
-(CHUCKLES)

Would it be okay
if I put my arm around you?

Okay.

Yeah?

Some guys would just do that
on their own.

I liked that you asked, Louis.

Would it be okay
if I kissed you? (CLEARS THROAT)

What?

Uh...

Uh... what I said...

was that, uh...

would it... would it okay...

if I, uh... you know...

kissed you?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay.

Yeah?

(SCREAMS)

Oh, no! Wow!

What's wrong?

Uh, what's... what's wrong?

Um... I have a rump roast
in the oven at home

and, so I...

I got to go back home.

Stephano, row, please.

Are we moving too fast?

Stephano, row!
For the love of Pete, row! Row!

TWITTY: So?

So... what?

So, what happened?

Happened? Nothing.

Nothing happened. Nothing happened.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're going to scam
a romantic gondola ride

with Beans' cousin,
and you're not going to tell us about it?

Twitty, back off!

I don't kiss and tell, all right?

He kissed her! He kissed her! Woo! Yeah!

Right here.

Tom, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

It's a guy thing.

You know, when one of your buds
gets a little action.

Can you please talk to him?

Tom, come here, buddy.

There comes a time...

Oh, Louis.

Louis, how'd it go with Beans' cousin?

Why does everybody
keep asking me that, all right?

It's nobody's business, all right?
Nobody's business!

Um, do we need to have
one of our little talks?

I think so, yes. Yeah.

So, what you're saying
is she had Beans' head?

On her shoulders,

where her head was supposed to be,
that's where Beans' head was.

I see two-headed people.

Hmm. And where was Beans
while you were having this little problem?

Beans. Um, I don't know.

I blew him off, so me
and Chris could be alone.

And how did that make you feel?

Uh... f... fine?

Look, there's no right
or wrong answer to this.

You just have to be honest.

I mean, honestly, I have never
really thought about it

'cause that's just the way
I always treat Beans, so...

I see.

Well, it could be that, subconsciously,
you felt guilty about blowing off Beans

and then that guilt caused you
to see Beans' head on Chris' body.

Right. So, um, I mean, is that gonna...

is that gonna happen?
every time I see her now?

Well, maybe.

Unless you make it up to Beans.

Right.

Well, how?

(SIGHS)

Louis, Beans looks up to you
like a big brother.

-Right.
-TAWNY: Okay, just spend time with him

and show him that you care.

And then your conscience will be cleared.

(WHISTLING MERRY TUNE)

BEANS: We're going to spend
the whole day together fishing?

That's right, little buddy.

We're going to have the bestest time ever.

Whee!

(LAUGHS)

Tawny... you're going
to be a great shrink someday.

Someday? Okay.

-Hi, honey.
-Hey.

-Donnie up in his room?
-Yeah, probably.

I picked him up
a couple of football magazines.

Maybe that'll cheer him up.

Hey, when did these uniforms get so tight?

Those are for Donnie.

Well, hey, Cindy.

Put a smock on. Be right with you, honey.

-Love the pants.
-I know.

Cords are back.

I know.

Donnie, honey, can you come here?

Wh... What's going on here?

Total craziness, Mom. Look at this.

We got split ends, we got hangnails,

we got dry spots
like you wouldn't believe.

(CHUCKLING) Well, okay.

So, uh, you feeling better?

Ready to play
in that big game tomorrow?

I wish. Look at me, Dad.

I'm still hobbling around here.

It's obscene.

Yeah, well, uh,
I... I brought you some magazines, huh?

Football.

(SNICKERING) Dad, I don't think
the ladies are into football.

You know, just, uh, throw them up
in my room for me.

Oh, and Mom, later we should do something
about those roots.

(CHUCKLES)

You're grounded.

Donnie, I'm burning up under this thing.

Monique, what are you doing? Not so fast.

You still have five minutes.

Hey, Coach, do you think I want to miss
the biggest game of the season?

No, it's just this ankle, you know?
It's still sore.

Okay, Coach.

Hey, um, tell the team I love 'em
and I'm sorry.

Okay.

-Hey, Donnie.
-Yeah?

Think fast.

That was a nice catch.

Your ankle seems fine.

Maybe it just got better.

Maybe it's been better
for a while.

Do you want to tell me
what's going on here, Donnie?

Ren, you're right. I'm fine now.

I just... I don't want to go back.

Well, what happened out there?

I disgraced myself
in front of , people.

(CROWD CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER:
Touchdown, Donnie Stevens.

Okay, I think he's taking this
a little too far.

-(GASPS)
-ANNOUNCER: Whoa, that had to hurt.

But he had it coming.

(GROANING)

I mean, I can't go back to my school.

Everyone laughed at me.

I just want to run away
to Canada, New Jersey.

Okay, Donnie, look at me.

-I can't. (SIGHS)
-Hey, look at me.

Now, listen, you are
the best player on that team.

Okay, okay, so maybe

the dance didn't really work out that well

but your team needs you.

What happens
when I score on the touchdown?

I mean, do I celebrate or not?

Of course, you earned it.

But, you know, just light bootie shaking.

Okay. How about the jazz hands? Hey...

Ah... below the shoulders.

Hey...

Okay, perfect.

Okay, okay. Hey, thanks, sis.

I owe you a brow wax.

All right, Beansy ready for a fun-filled
day of fishing, man?

I hate fish. They smell like fish.

Beans, come on, man.
We're supposed to go fishing.

Remember, you said?

Hey, I know.

Look, I got one of your comics.

Oh, you are...

-Beans, what are you doing, man?
-Oops.

-I'm sorry.
-No, it's fine.

It just took me three years
to find this one, all right?

Ah, well, you're still young.

Hey, let's play a board game.

Don't...

Stay out of my closet, man!

-Oops, sorry. Are you mad at me?
-No, it's fine. I love cleaning stuff.

Okay, that's good.

How does this thing work, anyway?

-(WHIRRING)
-Beans!

Oh, my... ha-ha! It's that... yeah!

What's wrong with this thing?

Oh, my! Oh! Ouch!

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you mad at me now?

Am I mad at you now?

Yes, I'm mad at you now, Beans!

Too bad.

Okay, okay, okay, okay!

Okay, okay!

(GROANING)

You know, Beans, I'm trying
to be nice to you, man, but it hurts.

ANNOUNCER: And there goes Donnie Stevens,
just back from his injury.

Everybody's wondering
the same thing:

Does he still have it?

He scores!

-Oh, no!
-CROWD: Oh!

ANNOUNCER:
Didn't he learn his lesson?

He was just joking!

That young man has got
an all-star sense of humor.

CROWD: Oh!

Hey, Chris, um,
thanks for meeting me here today.

Louis, are you okay?

I... I know I acted, you know,
strange the other day.

You did.

I thought we were having
a pretty fun time.

No, we were. We were having...
we were having a good time.

We were having a good time. But, uh...

just that when I, uh,
when I leaned in to kiss you...

uh... I saw something.

Stars? Fireworks?

Uh, c... close. Um...

I saw Beans.

What?

Yeah. Beans.

He was, uh... See, his face was on...

He was just...

It's very, very strange, I know.
It's hard to explain.

But, uh... this is not going to work.

-Well, then I guess this is good-bye.
-Yeah.

Could, uh, could we try that
one more time?

-Sure.
-Okay.

Still you.

It's still you.
Oh, man! Wow!

I'm going to be all right!
I'm going to be okay!

Oh! What is that?

(BEANS' VOICE) Louis, what's wrong?

You're making me feel self-conscious.

Uh, I forgot that

I have a dentist appointment
that I have to go to.

Please, someone help me!

(SCREAMING)

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)

Rock the house

Here we go

Rock the house

Here we go.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)