03x18 - Stevens' Manor

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)

(expl*si*n)

REN: This does
not look good.

Poor Ruby.

(SIGHS)

Oh, no.

That's it; Dex and I
are officially over.

-It's going to be okay, Ruby.
Dex said we'd gone apart.

You've only been together for four days.

I'll never love again.

Ruby, come on.

You're a strong, vibrant,
beautiful young woman.

Guys will come and go

but good friends like us
will last forever.

Thanks, Ren.
I love your "friends forever" speech.

-I know.
-So, are you still sleeping over tonight?

Oh, absolutely.
And it's going to be just us girls.

-Yeah, who needs boys, anyway?
-Exactly.

Now, I'm talking nail polish, magazines
and ice cream.

Dex loved ice cream.

Ruby. Ruby.

Dudes, Dodge Ridge
just got eight inches

of pure, delicate
white snow last night.

Imagine snowboarding
down those slopes

with a couple of hot
potatoes in your pocket.

-Uh, to, to keep your hands warm.
-Right.

Well, what's the difference?
We can't go.

Between the bus ride
and the lift ticket

that's, I don't know,
at least $ . per person.

It's no problem.

-(PHONE RINGING)
-Hold on! Excuse me!

I've got to use that,
thank you, thank you.

Hello.
Steven's Manor.

Hi, Mr. Kitna, great.

Oh, good.
Hold on just a second.

Right. Hold on.

(SCAT SINGING)

Mr. Kitna, hi.

Yes. Uh-huh.

Great.

You're confirmed, yes, sir.

Okay, look forward
to meeting you

and the family, sir.
Great. All right.

What was that about?

Well, my parents

they're going away to Napa
for their anniversary, right.

Donnie has an away game
and Ren is sleeping at Ruby's.

I have the whole house
to myself.

We're going to open up
a bed and breakfast this weekend.

We're going to make
the most of this deal.

Uh, how are you going
to get your parents

to let you stay home alone?

Mommy, can I please
come with you?

No.

Sweetheart, now,
come on now, Louis.

You have our cell
phone numbers

and you have the hotel number
and all the emergency numbers

-are programmed into the phone.
-Mommy!

Oh, I can't.

-I can't.
-Hey, hey, soldier.

Come on. You're going to be all right
spending the night alone.

We wouldn't leave you here, otherwise.
You got it?

Got it.

Come on, honey.

Mom...

-(CRYING) I love you.
-I miss you already.

I love you.

I'm hungry, man.

(DOOR OPENING)

Guys, Steven's Manor
Bed and Breakfast

is now open for business.

(CHEERING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hi, welcome
to Steven's Manor.

You must be the Mannings.

I'm Louis Stevens.

-Louis?
-Yes.

I'm Louis Manning.
Always a pleasure to meet a fellow "Lou."

Yes, yes.

My wife, Edna.

Oh, it's a pleasure,
a pleasure to meet you.

Gar-con.

Will that be
cash or charge, sir?

Oh, okay.

(BEEPING)

There you go.

Alan, would you be so kind
to show these lovely people to their room?

Oh, sure, yeah, yeah.
It's right up this way here.

Enjoy your stay, okay?

All right.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, Mrs. Culpepper,
I presume.

What a nice jacket.
So how was your trip?

-Miserable.
-Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Well, we at Steven's Manor
are all about you, the guest,

and helping you forget
about your problems.

So, come here. Come here.
Give me a hug.

Oh...

Okay, uh...

this is our
Lincoln bedroom, here.

Oh, Louis, this is even cozier

than the pictures we
saw on the Internet.

Hey, Honest Abe...
did he ever stay here?

Um, yeah, yeah.
He just checked out.

Oh, sweet, a fiver.

I mean, Dex walked me home
from school every day.

Then all of a sudden he got a bus pass.

He said he wants to,
"explore the neighborhood."

Uh-huh, what is that about?

Uh... I don't know, Ruby.

Um, Ruby, Ruby...

Hey, okay...

You need to get over Dex.

-(SIGHS) Yeah, you're right.
-Okay.

From now on this
is a boy-free zone.

You're a really great friend.

I'm really sorry I've been
blowing you off lately.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Besides, you're going
to get over Dex.

Dex who?

(CHUCKLING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Girl zone. Ruby speaking.

Oh, hello, Dexter.

It's Dex.

Oh, no, no,
now's not a good time.

See, I'm here
with my best friend, Ren

and we are having

so much fun.

(FORCED LAUGHING)

(PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY)

The Evening Post,
Mrs. Culpepper.

What's this?

Oh, well, that's a spoon,
and that's a fork

and that's a teacup.

There's pulp
in my orange juice.

I don't like pulp
in my orange juice.

Well, maybe you've never
given it a fair shake.

Personally,
I love the pulp.

Gives my OJ that right off
the tree, fleshy taste.

Mm-mm.

I don't remember asking
how you liked your juice.

Well, someone arrived
at the B&B a wee cranky.

And this is the lovely garden cafe
here at the Steven's Manor.

Ah, quaint.

Oh, yes, quaint.

We get a lot of comments from past guests
about the quaintness.

Of course, the crown jewel
of the garden cafe

is the lovely Tawny Dean.
She's the piano player here.

We call her the human jukebox

'cause she knows all kinds of songs.

Does she know "I Hate It Here,
We Should Have Gone to Hawaii"?

(CHUCKLING)

TAWNY: (SINGING) I hate it here

We should have gone to Hawaii

Where the say "Aloha"
And roast little piggies...

Tawny, thank you.
Okay? Thank you.

Sorry.

Sir, for the last time,

just give me a glass
of orange juice sans pulp.

Of course.

Pulp's bad. Pulp's scary.

Ooh!
Everybody look out for the pulp.

Tom. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Let me just talk to you
for a second, all right?

So, uh, when are we
going golfing, right?

Tom, what are you doing, buddy?
What are you doing?

Do you want to go on a trip
of a lifetime, snowboarding?

-Yes.
-You do? You do.

So, then you've got
to help the customers.

You can't antagonize them.
Go, help.

Forget the juice.

I'm turning in early.

Oh, would you like me
to check your room for pulp?

Go.

All right, Dad, we want to home.
This place stinks.

Boys, please.

You promised
you'd behave, now...

No, we didn't.

Sir, sir, I've got this.
All right, I've got this.

You guys seen
the rec room, yet?

No, you haven't seen it?

Well, man. Well, there you go.

Here's a ball.

Play safe, all right?

All you have is a ping-pong table?

I never said anything
about a table, so...

TWITTY:
Excuse me, excuse me.

Can I take him
for a second from you?

Louis, did you advertise that our B&B
has a licensed masseuse on staff?

Yeah. Okay, well...

Mr. Manning wants a massage.

Oh, no problem.

Beans. Lincoln bedroom.
Pronto.

Swedish... or deep tissue?

RUBY:
Dex, that is so amazing.

You scored points?

Ruby!

Any rebounds?

Oh, Ruby.

Whatever happened to
"a guy-free zone," huh?

Dexy-pooh, can you hold on
for just one second?

Ren, what is it?

You have been on that phone
for an hour and a half.

I know. Isn't it great?

No.

Tonight was supposed to be
you and me, just hanging out.

And then a cute boy calls and
then you totally blow me off.

Oh, Ren.

You really think he's cute?

I am so out of here.

(YAWNING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

-What are you doing here?
-What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

-Louis, Louis.
-Get out.

-I'm so sorry...
-Who is this lady?

Why is my room covered
in nets and starfish?

I don't know how she wandered in.

We're gonna get her a hot meal
and a shower. Okay. Sleep good.

-I'm calling Mom and Dad.
-No, Ren. You're not even listening...

So, Lou, how long have you been
selling cars?

years.

So how long have you been bald?

Oh, I've been...

Okay. So, I don't know
what kind of freak show

you're running here,
but it's going to end.

Ren, uh, listen,
just for a second.

I'm raising this money for, uh...
needy children.

For a snowboarding
trip, you know?

But, I mean, if you don't have
a problem with that

maybe you could sleep
in the basement.

Please pick up.
Please pick up.

Ren, you're not even supposed to be here.
You're supposed to be at Ruby's.

I know.
She bailed on me.

It's like her brain turns to mush
every time she lays eyes on a cute guy...

Hi.

Hi. Is there a problem?

Uh, well
my wife and I really love your B&B

but, uh, the boys just
aren't happy here, and

I kind of have to agree with them.

Your kiddy pool hardly qualifies as a, uh,
an aquatic center, so...

Well, I guess
we'll need our money back.

Dad. Don't be so hyper.
We don't have to leave.

REN: Um... are...

Are you guys identical twins?

-BOTH: Yeah.
-Oh. Hi. I'm Ren Stevens,

Activities Coordinator
here at the Stevens' Inn.

-Manor.
-Manor.

Stevens' Manor.

You know, if you guys are
looking for some fun,

I have a bunch of board
games downstairs in the closet.

Right.

-Cool.
-Yeah.

-Let's go.
-Let's go.

Enjoy yourselves.
(LAUGHS)

Well, it looks like you won't be needing
your money back after all, right, sir?

Thank you.

I'll just take these back in.

(DISTRESSED SCREAMING)

MAN: Oh!

-No!
-Let me know

if this is too much pressure.

(SCREAMING)

Wow, you're really tense.

(CRYING)

Beans, what are you doing?

If you're going to walk on a guy's back,
take off your hiking boots.

Sir, I'm going to get you some ice
for your back, all right?

Wait! You owe me bucks.

(PAINED GROANING)

Oh, you landed on my kidney.

-That's going to cost you.
-(LAUGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh. I'll get that.
And I will be back, so

no cheating, and, uh...

hands off my pancreas.

Okay.

(LAUGHS)

-Ruby.
-Ren.

I'm really sorry
for wrecking our evening.

You were right.
I shouldn't blow off my friends

because of some
good-looking guy.

Oh. You know what?
No hard feelings. Okay.

Well, I was thinking if you wanted,
you can come back and sleep over.

Actually, I'm feeling
kind of tired.

I think I'm going
to just hit the hay.

Ren, the game's heating up.
It's your move.

Oh! Just going
to hit the hay, huh?

Just when the game's
heating up.

Ren Stevens, you are such a hypocrite.
I am going home.

Come on, guys.

(PHONE RINGING)

-Hello.
-EILEEN: Hello.

Who's this?

It's Edna. Who's this?

Well, this is Eileen.

Where's Louis?

Louis hurt his back.

-He's in a great deal of pain right now.
-Pain?!

Oh, my poor baby.
Let me speak to him.

Hey, listen, Eileen,
I don't know who you are

but Louis can't even sit up
right now.

Oh, no!

All right, well, you
tell him that I'll...

that I'll be there in two hours
and that I love him very much.

Oh, I'll tell him.

LOUIS MANNING: Oh.

Oh.

I just got a phone call from a woman
who seems to know you pretty well.

-I don't know what you're talking about.
-Oh, really?

It was your chippy, Eileen.

Eileen?

She said she'd be here in two hours
to see her baby.

-Two hours.
-LOUIS MANNING: I never heard of her.

Would you excuse us?

Yes. Maybe I'll send somebody up
to give you some...

-Uh, do you need a...?
-(DOOR SLAMMING)

(PAINED SCREAMING)

(WHISTLING)

REN:
Hey, Louis.

You know, at first I thought this was
the worst idea you ever had

but Ruby and I have to admit...

you had some pretty cute guests.

Majorly cute.

Well, uh, too bad it's all about
to blow up in our faces, right?

What are you
talking about?

Well, um, I just found out that my parents
are coming home in two hours.

It's gonna get ugly,
so if you guys want to leave

I wouldn't blame you.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Okay, so, uh, we talked it over and we're
not going to let you go down alone.

As a matter fact,
while we were outside

Ren came up with a way
to get us out of this mess.

Ren did?

I did.

You see, I should have
called Mom and Dad hours ago,

so my butt's on the line, too.

Yeah. So, uh, how are we going to get
all these people out of here, hmm?

It's almost...
Yeah. It's almost : .

They're all going
to want their money back.

I know.

Unless they don't know
it's midnight.

Unless they don't know
it's midnight.

Oh, I see where you're going.

I see where you're going.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah. Um, I don't really know
where you're going, so...

Cock-a-doodle do!

Cock-a-doodle do!

(TRIANGLE DINGING)

Good morning, everybody.

Let's get up, up, up.

What's all the ruckus?

Oh. Hello.

Breakfast will now be served
in the Garden Cafe.

-What time is it?
-It's : a.m. Let's get up, people.

It's going
to be a beautiful day.

Temperatures are going
to be in the mid- s.

Oh, and the skies
will be mostly... dark. Yeah.

Let's move, people.

Something smells ambrosial.

Don't look at me, lady.

Louis, we don't have enough time

to serve all these people
a full breakfast.

This is a bed and breakfast.
We gave them the bed.

Time to give them
the breakfast.

Give me some strawberries.
Watch out, Beans.

Get the top, man. Get the top.
There we go.

Pour it in, pour it in.
There we go.

Oh, yeah!

All right, all right, all right.

-There we go.
-Okay.

Top on, and
there we have it.

Oh!

REN: Yummy!

LOUIS: Oh, it's thrilling.

We got fireworks, too.

All right, here you go.

There's a drink for someone.

Oh, yeah. That looks good, huh?

What the heck is this slop?

It's the specialty of the house -
deluxe breakfast combo to go, all right?

Chop, chop!

REN: Here, guys, drink up.

-We're feeling rushed here.
-No, no, no.

See, it states
clearly in your brochure

if you got one, um

that, uh, check out time is : a.m.
You see that, folks?

That's your gas bill.

Can I at least
have some coffee?

Uh, yeah. Give her some coffee
and, uh, drink up.

We'll get out of here.

You can have seconds
if there are some left.

REN: Drink it up!

Now, it's time to go, all right?

Wait a second.
What about our luggage?

Why don't you have
Eileen get it?

No, no, no, no.
Don't worry about it...

It's all been taken care of
by our complimentary packing service.

(GROANING)

See?

(EXHALES)

Here you go.

Please collect your things
and follow me in an orderly fashion.

This way, people.

Move it, move it.
Move it, move it...

LOUIS: There you go.
Enjoy your flight.

Okay, all right. Come on.
There you go.

Move it out.
Keep going.

Hurry up. Okay, good job.

REN. All right, guys, go ahead.
Thanks for coming.

LOUIS. Let's go. Move it out.

You all come back now.
You hear?

Thank you guys for coming.

You guys were great guests.
Drive safe.

All right.

Let's do it.

-Steve, can't you drive any faster?
-(HORN HONKING)

You're slower than my mother.

You think you could drive any better?

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

EILEEN:
Hurry up.

Oh, guys, they're here.

STEVE: All right, all right.
I'm coming, I'm coming.

Come on, guys. Come on.

See you on slopes, buddy.

-You've got it.
-Okay.

Let's go. Go, Beans! Go!

Louis, are you all right?

-How is your back?
-My back?

My... My back!

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it went out
but, uh, then... then, it came back in

so, now, it's...
I mean, it's all good.

You know.

Ren, you didn't stay at Ruby's?

Oh, well, you know,
when my bro needs me, I...

I got your back.

She's got my back.

My back.

All right. Well, good then.

Okay, who... who is this Edna?

LOUIS: Uh...

Edna... Edna is a, uh...

-REN: She's a...
-She's a...

school...

BOTH: ...nurse!

-The school nurse.
-Exactly.

-Who helped me with my...
-BOTH: ...back!

The school nurse made a house call
in the middle of the night?

Excuse me.
I forgot my umbrella.

Oh. Oh.

Who are you?

I'm Edna. Who are you?

I'm Eileen.

You're Edna.
Oh, Edna, thank you

for taking care of Louis.

EDNA:
Well, let me tell you something, Eileen,

I have devoted my entire life
to taking care of Louis,

so let me give you
a little warning.

Stay away from him!

The school nurses
are so protective.

Honey, I'm... I'm so bushed.

Can we just go to bed? I...

-Yeah. Go to bed.
-We're going to get you some food.

Absolutely go to bed.

LOUIS: Strawberries, all right, Dad?
Happy anniversary.

REN: Happy...

Thank you, Bob.

I recently stumbled
upon a local bed and breakfast

and had an experience
I will never forget.

It's called Stevens' Manor

and it's right here
in Sacramento.

The cozy decor
was very soothing.

I usually don't sleep through the night

but when my head hit the pillow

the next thing I knew, it was morning.

But best of all
was the young, hip staff

whom I found to be
extremely attentive.

Honey, whose turn
is it to scream?

Yours.

Ren!

Louis!