03x10 - The Grand Opening

[bunniefuu]

It's something a Kentucky farmer
says she's never seen before...

a hen taking newborn puppies
under her wing.

So guess who canceled
lunch with me again?

- Susie Greene.
- Really?

Yeah, and this time the excuse was she
had to go to the dentist.

- Maybe she had to go to the dentist.
- Okay, that's bullshit.

That's the adult equivalent of "The dog
ate my homework."

I'm not making anymore dates with her.
She's done it to me before.

If she doesn't want to go to lunch,
why doesn't she say,

"You know what? I'd rather not go
to lunch with you"?

Maybe she was
telling the truth.

I don't think so.

Listen, are you going to
your office tomorrow?

Can you do me
a favor?

Maybe.

- Can't you just say yes?
- No.

What kind of favor am I gonna ask
you wouldn't say yes to?

- What do you want?
- I saw the osteopath about my cough

and he told me I should get some
colon cleanse.

It's actually called
"colon cleanse."

It helps the whole system.
He said it will flush...

What does that have to do with a cough?
I don't understand that.

He says it'll
knock it out like that.

So please will you
do that for me?

All right.

Speaking of good eating,
here's Andy Portico

with this week's
restaurant review. Andy?

Oh, Andy Portico's
reviewing a new restaurant.

Today I'll be talking about
"Stuffing Your Face" again.

I don't think I've eaten as badly
since I was in the army.

- At least then I had my youth.
- assh*le.

These people could've
learned something from Army food.

- Oh my God. This guy is so brutal.
- I'd rather eat C-rations...

than the swill
they serve in this place.

It's a criminal enterprise, not
a restaurant, and these people...

- This place is gonna close in two days.
- All because of this.

He's coming
to the opening next week.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- But you repaired...
- All the digging, yeah. Shh, quiet.

I'm gonna have to give it

a big two thumbs down.

- What a surprise!
- I'm Andy Portico, thanks for watching.

- Isn't that clever?
- Yeah.

The thumbs down.

It's real original,
the thumbs down.

It's really awful
that this guy's...

he's controlling the fate
of our restaurant practically.

I know, it's so
subjective, isn't it?

- It's terrible.
- How does he decide?

Guy couldn't
get dates.

He takes it out
on the rest of the world.

I couldn't get dates. You don't see
me taking it out on anybody.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

I don't know
about that.

But don't you know
somebody who knows him,

could put in
a good word?

Jeff's daughter goes
to the same school as his son.

That's a start,
right?

Jeff's not gonna
say anything.

Good night.

What the hell are you kissing me good
night for with that cough?

Can you get
the lights, please?

You know how bookstores make you
feel stupid?

Health food stores
make me feel unhealthy.

What's this bullshit,
Susie making up this story

about going
to the dentist?

She had a dentist
appointment.

- Cheryl doesn't believe a word of it.
- I was with her.

She keeps breaking
appointments with Cheryl.

I was with her.
What do you want?

- I can't find this colon cleanser.
- Ask somebody.

- We've been up and down 10 times.
- Ask somebody, that's why.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

I'm looking
for a colon cleanser.

Adam, where's
the colon cleanse?

- The what?
- The colon cleanse.

Colon cleanse is aisle G,
right behind you.

Okay.
It's around the corner, right there.

It's for my wife.
It's for my wife.

- Who's that guy?
- I don't know.

Boy, does he
look familiar.

Does he not look
familiar to you?

Who is that?
I know that...

- That's our chef.
- Our chef's bald.

That's the chef.

Hey!

Hey, Larry.

- Phil, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's with the...?

- I thought you said you didn't want...
- Well, yeah, I did.

- Came into the interview?
- Yes.

I just assumed...
and I was right...

that you were one
of those people

who find that men
who enhance their appearance

are wrong
and stupid so I took my toupee off.

You came in bald
just to get the job?

I'm sorry
I deceived you.

I hope this doesn't, you know,
affect, you know...

Well, I'm sorry,
but it will.

You got hired
under false pretenses.

But it had nothing
to do with my food.

- I know, but I don't trust you.
- What are you talking about?

No, I'm sorry.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Let's go.

I mean, what
was he thinking?

For the next
five years was he gonna come in

every day and
leave the toupee at home?

Yeah, right.
Or just wear it on weekends?

Live
a double life.

- Unbelievable.
- He had no plan.

He had a good plan.
He knew how to get hired.

Oh, like you wouldn't
hire a fat guy, huh?

You don't have
a proclivity for fat people?

I think you got
a strong proclivity for fat people.

If a fat guy came in,
you wouldn't want to hire him?

You would've been
all over that fat guy.

You would've
loved that fat guy, don't tell me.

All things being equal,
I'd hire the fat guy.

That's right.
By the way, it's not like I don't hire

other people
who aren't bald, okay?

I don't have a bald manager.
I don't have a bald lawyer.

You have a bald
accountant,

a bald urologist,
a bald travel agent.

You have far more bald professionals
than the average person.

- Okay, so I do, so what?
- I just want you to notice.

Okay, I notice.
It's duly noted.

I knew you'd say
"duly noted," too.

- Oh, did you? You're so smart.
- I knew.

You know everything I say
before I say it?

- Before you say it.
- What a genius you are.

- "What a genius you are."
- You knew I was gonna say that, too?

I knew you were
gonna say that.

Aw, Jeez. Listen,
I got to go...

We are in so much
trouble here, oh my God.

I got to tell
these investors now...

what just happened, we have no chef.
This just stinks.

Yeah, wow, you got to tell them.
I'll be there with you,

but you got to tell them.
We open in four days,

no chef, and you're
gonna tell them

you just fired our chef because
he wears a toupee.

Listen, I got to go
to Sammy's school,

drop off her lunch,
and then I'll take you to your office.

I don't understand. Your daughter
goes here? I see older kids.

It's K-12,
the whole thing.

Oh, oh dear,
aw, look at that.

Poor kid lost his hair,
he's getting chemo.

No, he's not going
through chemotherapy.

Another kid in class is,
and a lot of the boys

in the senior class as a show
of solidarity shaved their heads.

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's really something.
You know what?

Maybe one day
I'll get a chance

to do something
good for somebody like that.

That's really
touching.

You've already got
kind of a head start, actually.

Funny.

What's all this?

The parents and the kids,
they play dodge ball.

- Oh, yeah? Wow.
- Yeah.

- You know?
- Huh.

- Hey, is that...?
- Andy Portico.

- That's Portico?
- Come on!

Boy, is he into it. Have you ever talked
to him about the restaurant?

I wouldn't
dare.

I used to love playing dodge ball.
You like dodge ball?

- Oh, yeah.
- Why don't you get in the game?

Aw, they got a whole thing
going here.

- They can add... it's a fun game.
- I'm not gonna ask them.

Come on. Sandra?
Can my friend play?

Sure!

Go ahead. I'm gonna go take
the lunchbox to Sammy.

- I'll see you in a few.
- I'm gonna play some dodge ball.

Have a good time.

Okay, let's get
going here.

All right, Larry David.
I'm coming to your restaurant next week.

- Oh, okay.
- I'm gonna review it.

Come on, Larry,
ha, ha, ha, ha.

Aw-ww!

You're out!

- All right, you're out.
- It hit the ground.

- Bullshit!
- Hit the ground!

- Get out of there!
- Hit the ground, Portico.

You're out!

Ow, f*ck!

What have you done?

What the f*ck?

Sorry.

How could this
possibly happen?

What were you doing
playing dodge ball with Andy Portico?

Adults were playing, okay?
It was a parents/kids game.

W-what are you swinging so hard for?
You're injuring him.

- What are you doing?
- I got involved in the game.

He was acting like
a bit of an assh*le, too, by the way.

- It wasn't all my fault.
- What about the cook?

We open in three days,
we don't have a chef.

Well, the guy
was full of sh*t.

He tried to pass himself off
as bald and he wasn't bald.

- What do you want me to do?
- So big deal.

He wears a toupee when he's not here.
Who cares?

He's liar.
The guy's a bald-faced...

literally...
a bald-faced liar.

We've got more problems than that.
We have lost investors.

- Ted's gone.
- Ted Danson is gone.

But I made up
that money, so what...?

We are trying
to open a restaurant.

You've got to pull us out of this mire
that we are wallowing in.

What about the muck,
are we in any muck?

We are in a big muck.
We don't have a chef.

If we're in mire, I would assume
that we're also in muck.

Usually one is in muck and mire.
He said I was in a mire.

I was trying to ascertain whether or not
muck was involved as well.

- You were trying to ascertain?
- Yes.

- Let's not change the subject because...
- "Ascertain."

You know, all
of this is moot

because after
what he did to Portico

he's gonna
slaughter us, okay?

He's gonna put his thumbs
through the table.

Apologize to Portico.

I'll apologize.
It's not gonna...

Apologize to Portico,
that's it.

What's the big
deal, Larry?

"I'm sorry.
I'm sorry."

All right,
I'll go apologize.

Let's talk about a new chef.
Everybody's got...

You know, Ted knew another guy...
never mind.

- Oh, Larry.
- Andy.

Yeah, you know, I'd get up
and shake your hand

except I don't really have any hands
to shake, you know?

Oh my gosh.

This is what happens
when you break your thumbs.

Oh, God Almighty.

- Like a f*cking Muppet.
- I'm so sorry, Andy.

I'm sorry, too.

We were playing a game
and we were into it...

And you threw the thing
like it was a f*cking hydrogen b*mb.

I just... I hadn't played in a long time
and I was having fun and...

Well, I won't be able
to review the restaurant, of course.

Why not?

Because I can't do
"thumbs up, thumbs down."

That's my
whole gimmick.

I can't do the show
for two months, what am I gonna do?

- I can't do this...
- Because you can't...

I can't
do my shtick.

- Oh, what a shame.
- Yeah, well.

- You can't do...
- "Thumbs up, thumbs down."

- You can't go like this?
- I can't go like this.

From a stupid
dodge ball game?

From a stupid
dodge ball game.

Well, in any event,
it's a shame

that you're gonna miss the opening
of the restaurant.

You're not gonna
be able to review it.

What am I talking
about, opening?

There's no opening
anyway because we don't have a chef.

- You lost your chef?
- Lost the chef, yeah.

Well, that's
crucial.

Yeah, I'd say.

You know,
as it happens,

I know a great chef

who just left Martine's.
You know Martine's?

Of course I know Martine's
in New York.

As a matter of fact, he's out here now.
He's weighing offers.

I got to get
this guy's name.

Guy Bernier
is his name.

- Guy Bernier?
- Guy Bernier.

I could put in
a word for you.

- Would you?
- I have a lot credibility with him.

This is... I don't
even know what to say.

Hey, look, I'm happy to do it.
No hard feelings, honestly.

It's like this could've
happened to anyone.

I brought you your lunch.
Excuse me.

It's spaghetti with marinara sauce
and some cheese.

Okay, you f*cking idiot,
you f*cking moron.

How am I supposed to eat that?
Suck it up my ass?

Didn't I ask you
to get me a protein shake

or something I could eat, you know,
like through a straw?

I'm f*cking hungry, so order me
something. I don't care what it is.

- Get me something I can f*cking eat!
- I'll order something else.

- Jesus. It's not like...
- f*cking idiot, you know?

Hey, you know what? Don't worry
about it, I'll help you out here.

Let's make this happen.
Okay? Come on.

No, come on now,
really, honestly.

Listen, don't...
Andy, will you stop it?

- Please, now really.
- No, no, you please.

No, I...
no, come on.

Good, good, good.

It's good, isn't it?

Oh, Andy!
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry.

What the f*ck
are you doing?

Here you go.

I think I should mention
that I have one problem.

And that problem
is with salmon.

I won't buy it,
I won't broil it I won't bake it.

Oh.
You got a problem with salmon, huh?

- A big problem.
- Big problem?

- Well, we won't have salmon, right?
- No, absolutely.

- Salmon's out.
- Plenty of fish in the sea.

- Who needs it?
- And also... caper.

I can't stand capers either.
I don't like them.

If I see one caper
in the kitchen,

there's going
to be big problem.

Uh-huh, okay.
All right, no capers.

- No capers.
- All right.

- Okay?
- Yes.

Oh, this is great.

Do you remember
Martine's in New York?

Sure, I've been there
about three or four times.

- This is the guy.
- I know.

Et voila.

- Okay.
- Thank you very much.

- Thank you.
- Is my pleasure. Is fantastic spot.

- We're thrilled to have you.
- I am thrilled too.

Okay, well, now I have appointment.
I have to go.

- So, okay, bye.
- See you tomorrow.

- This is... I can't...
- Well, Larry...

Nice job.

sh*t, shitface f*ck,
sh*t, cocksucker.

I bet he got
a ticket.

He's got some 'tude,
this guy, huh?

Some champagne?
Shall we break out the champagne?

Yeah, let's cr*ck open a bottle
of the good stuff.

Look at your car.
Why is your car always so filthy?

Are you kidding me?

Ugh, it's dirty.
All of it.

- Inside, outside...
- Sit down.

- Am I gonna get dirty?
- Huh?

You need to wash this,
seriously.

Okay, fine,
I'll wash it right now.

Not now.

You can't do it now.
I'm meeting Susie for lunch.

It's right on the way,
don't worry about it.

This is our make-up lunch
I don't want to be late for it.

It takes
two minutes.

I just don't want
another falling-out with her.

Listen to how low
my voice is today.

Oh, hey... down,
down, down-nn.

I'm starting to get
stomach cramps...

- Down, down-nn...
...from that colon cleanse.

Hear that note?
Down-nn.

Outstanding.

And they are miles
down-nn...

How long do you think
this is gonna last?

I think I have to find
a bathroom pretty soon.

It's really,
like...

What's the deal here?
Are we even moving?

Are we moving?

How long is this thing supposed to take?
Do you know?

I got news for you.
We're not even moving.

- Are we stuck in this thing?
- We're not moving.

- Hey!
- Hello?!

Hey!

- Larry, seriously...
- Hey... bang on your window.

- Hey!
- Oh my God.

Seriously, I'm seriously
starting to...

it's getting to the point
of an emergency.

I can't be in this car
for much longer.

Hey!

Hey!

- Wait a second.
- Oh my God.

- Let me call Information.
- Seriously.

- I'll get them on the phone.
- I'm getting sweaty.

- I got to go, I really got to go.
- Just hold on a second.

Hello, yes,
I'd like the number of Glen-Rock...

Glen...
Glen-Rock!

Glen-Rock!

R-o-c-k,
Los Angeles!

Yes, connect!

Glen-Rock Car Wash.

Hello, I'm stuck
in your car wash!

What?

I said I'm stuck
in your car wash!

- Tell them it's an emergency.
- It's an emer...

- They need to turn it off or something.
- Turn off your car wash!

I can't hear a word
you're saying.

Turn off
your car wash!

- What are they saying?
- Call back later.

Oh God, Larry, I can't wait.
I got to go.

I got to go. I got to go!
I got to go!

I'm just saying
Susie's crazed, man.

She hung up
on Cheryl.

A car wash?
Who gets stuck in a car wash?

It's the truth.
We were stuck in a car wash.

You weren't stuck
in a car wash.

The car got stuck in one spot and she
got out and she was soaking wet.

- That's why she canceled.
- You're telling me the truth?

- I'm telling you the truth.
- I believe you,

- but Susie's never gonna believe this.
- Well, whatever, you know.

So let me ask you,

are you thinking
about anything

that you want to put
on the table

before people come in
when they first sit down?

Do you want to have
bread or something, or breadsticks?

- Olives.
- Like a pickle.

Olives?
No, I'm sorry for interruption,

but they are really
ridiculous, olives.

What do you do with pit?
Ever, never,

you can do nothing with pit.
It's ridiculous.

No olives.
I'm sorry...

Put in a pit plate or an ashtray
or something.

A pit plate?
Why don't you call it a garbage plate?

- Okay.
- Yeah, he's right.

The personality
on this guy, huh?

He's a piece
of work.

- What else?
- Carrot sticks, celery.

What about lemon
in the water?

m*therf*cking
cocksucker assh*le!

I'm starting
to think that that's involuntary.

Et voila.
Everything is finished now.

It's perfect, it's fantastic, okay?
I just want to say one thing.

I am so humbled
to be working

in such a restaurant
of quality, huh?

- It's fantastic.
- Oh, it's an honor.

Bye bye. I see you
tomorrow, yes?

See you tomorrow.

- What do they call that, Tourette's?
- Tourette's Syndrome.

Wow. He's got
Tourette's Syndrome.

Portico.

Portico.

Sure. He was
recommended...

- Portico.
- f*cking Portico!

That prick,
I don't believe it.

He's laughing right now.
That m*therf*cker.

You believe that guy would do something
like that on purpose?

Of course he would.

The joke's on us 'cause we need
to find another chef.

Yeah, we got
to let him go.

What? We're opening tomorrow.
You want to let him go?

It would be different if the kitchen
didn't look out onto the dining room.

He's practically
on stage over there.

- It's the design of this room.
- It's like a floor show.

We're gonna be known
as "the restaurant

with the chef
that swears."

This is a nightmare.
This'll ruin us.

We're gonna be a laughingstock if we
allow this to happen.

Are you kidding me?
We have to get rid of him.

- No.
- What do you mean no?

- We can't fire him.
- Why?

He's a survivor.

Then I called Martine's...

that's the restaurant
where he used to work in New York.

Okay.

They told me that their kitchen
was in the back...

so the cursing didn't bother anybody.
There was too much noise.

The only people who could hear him
worked in the kitchen.

But our kitchen's
right in the front.

He's gonna be right there,
cursing up a storm.

People could be
eating their dinner.

- Oh my God.
- Of course you couldn't fire him.

Yeah, I'm not gonna
fire a survivor.

No, you couldn't
do that.

Whoa, wow!
Look at you!

Is it too
"Knots Landing"?

I know it's a TV show,

but I don't get
the reference at all.

- Anyway, but you like it?
- Yeah, it looks great.

- It's not too dressy?
- No, I like it.

Well, maybe he won't
curse tonight.

He can't control it.
Nothing he can control.

I've seen him twice
and he's cursed both times.

The only thing
I don't get

is why he doesn't
curse in French.

Why is he cursing in English?
"Mutherfuck-erre."

- Where did he get that from?
- I don't know.

"Cocksuck-erre."

- Stop it, he does not say...
- He does.

All in English,
I don't understand.

Aren't there obscenities in French
there that he could say?

Listen, can I just tell you,
before we even get there,

I am not looking forward
to running into Susie Greene?

Susie Greene,
yeah.

She hates me. She really hates me now.
She won't even talk to me.

You know? I mean,
what am I gonna do?

I wouldn't even go if I were you.
It's too awkward.

You're probably
right.

Maybe I'll just sit in the car.
How about that?

Really, that's
what you should do.

All right, let's
get out of here.

- Oh, Jeez.
- Whoo!

Wow.

Look at that.
There's a room over there.

- Yeah, this is pretty big.
- Man!

- Huh?
- I am very impressed.

- Huh?
- Yeah.

- Not bad.
- Not bad.

See the bell?
Now watch this.

- Wow. It works.
- Yeah, it works.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Oh, hi.
- Wow.

- Uh-huh. It's happening, my friend.
- Really cool.

Hi, Jeff,
good to see you.

This is Cheryl.
These are my investor friends.

- Wow, hi.
- Lou, Jim...

- Michael, Theresa.
- Nice to meet you.

- Hi. Great.
- What do you think?

I am very
impressed.

- She's a little knocked out, I think.
- I am.

This is not
what I expected.

We couldn't have done it
without the big guy here.

- Is that right?
- He stepped up, you know?

He stepped up.

It was a little rocky
there for a while.

That's an
understatement.

I think Jim's had a couple
of champagnes.

I think Jim's
out of control.

I'm a little nervous,
but I think we're gonna make it.

- It really looks great.
- It does.

Eat your heart out, Ted Danson.
That's all I have to say.

Cheers.

"Cheers," yeah,
you got it.

Yeah, cheers.
Where's your wife?

- She'll be here in a little while.
- Uh-huh.

And what's going on
with Guy?

- Any outbursts?
- So far, so good.

- I haven't heard anything.
- Yeah, not a peep.

Yeah.
Oh, hey, look, there's your parents.

Hey, there's my dad!
Hello!

Pilaf.
It's delicious.

- Bon soir.
- Ah, bon soir, how are you, eh?

Oh, tr?s bien,
tr?s bien.

The place is
a big success for you.

Oh, my gosh, can you believe
what's going on here?

- It's gigan-tique.
- And you're feeling good?

Actually, I'm quite upset.
I'm very upset.

- Really?
- I lost the lottery by one number only.

- One number?
- Yes, one!

Yes, look at that.

I was one number off
in the lottery.

It ends with "7-1."
Here I have "4-1."

What's the point, huh?
It's all rigged, anyway.

I'm quite sure of that, huh?
Hey, turn that down.

What do you think
you are doing, cooking a goat?

- Hey... thank you.
- Congratulations.

Let's get
that waiter.

Fuckhead, shitface,
cocksucker,

assh*le,
son of a bitch!

Maybe one day,
I'll get a chance

to do something good
for somebody like that.

Scum-sucking,
m*therf*cking whore!

Cock!
Cock, jism!

Grandma, cock!

Bum! f*ck,
turd, fart.

c**t, piss, sh*t,
bugger and balls!

Damn it, hell...
crap...

...sh*t!
- You g*dd*mn m*therf*cking bitch!

f*ck you,
you car wash c**t!

I had a dental
appointment!

Fellatio, cunnilingus,
French kissing!

Rim job.

Right, piss.

f*cking, f*cking,
f*ck, f*ck.

Schmuck, putz,
tuchuslecker!

p*ssy, pig fucker.

Balls!

Boy cock, girl cock,
e-i-e-i-o.

f*ck whore tits!